This post is inspired partly by http://www.returnofkings.com/19689/7-mos...t-insults, partly by the National Geographic special on alpha males, and partly by things in my own life.
No doubt dividing men into alphas and betas is a simplification, but it does seem like there are sets of traits that go together. The "feminist insults" loser, virgin, and mommy issues have some truth to them, in that they describe a unified personality--it isn't random that they go together. Myself, I have some game, but if aggressive, confident and comfortable with self/women is one set of traits, and passive, insecure, and uncomfortable is the other, I know which set I got stuck with (including not a great relationship with my mom.)
I recently realized that the unifying element of it all is this feeling: if they saw the real me, they wouldn't like it. E.g., with my mother, "If I opened up with her about my life, and she told me what she really thought of me, it would be bad."
With women, I can't say it any better than The Last Psychiatrist:
There is a group of you who will read this and feel enraged by a double standard, in front of men women get to be sexy, talk about sex, flaunt it, but men can't introduce the topic, can't ask questions, can't pursue-- can't even look-- because then they're labeled as predators. If you're in this group you don't get it. The censorship doesn't come from women, it comes from you. If you feel like you can't ask her about her sex because you'll sound like a repressed stalker, you are, in fact, a repressed stalker. You're not going to kill her, ok, fair enough, but you aren't going to leave her alone, ever. If Trina rolls bleary eyed into the cubicle and says, "wow, I got totally plowed by this guy last night" not only are you not going to get any coding done that day, but you will make it impossible for her to ever get any coding done or keep her cell number because of your subtle pushes for more stories and passive aggressive inquiries about her relationship status and near constant innuendo. http://thelastpsychiatrist.com/2012/06/a..._look.html
In sports, work, other areas of life: one natural alpha I know said of himself that "when the clock is ticking down, I want the ball in my hands." Why, because he is a selfish dick? No, because he believes that he is the best person, that when someone needs to step up for the group, it might as well be him.
Years ago a friend of mine was offering to lend me a few bucks, and I was acting uncomfortable and unsure about it. And the friend said, "What, are you not going to pay me back?" It was my own doubt about my ability and good intentions that was causing my doubt and discomfort.
In the Nat Geo special on alpha male behaviors, it would be easy to focus on the externals of body language, voice, etc., and miss what I think is going on underneath. Why does the one guy come out on top in the group of mechanics? Is he thinking, "I'd better take up space and use dominant body language on these guys?" I doubt it. I bet he's thinking something more like, "I want this job/show to be a success and for everyone to have fun, and I am the best person to make that happen."
As the show pointed out towards the end, a key part of the alpha male role is taking responsibility for the group. In the final sequence of the show, with the 'gorilla' loose at the zoo, Chris, who emerged as the alpha, took the lead in comforting the frightened girl, even to the point of talking over another guy who was already doing it. What was he thinking--"I'd better outmanuever this guy so I can be alpha"? Again, I doubt it. I bet it was more like, "She needs to be comforted and I am the best person to make sure it is done right." And in the end he is the right person, because he follows through and takes responsibility for the group.
Stepping up, taking responsibility, and believing that unless proved otherwise you are the best person for the job--that's the essence. And again, with women, it's a matter of avoiding the toxic beta-male angry-nice-guy spiral: she's hot/she wouldn't like me/I hate her for being hot and not liking me. And now he's taken himself out of the game without a single at-bat.
While the alpha says, "I'm safe, I am not going to hurt her, I'm good in bed, I'll give her a good experience. If it is going to be one of the guys here, it might as well be me." And if it doesn't work for him that time, it's just because this particular girl wasn't feeling it right then. It doesn't say anything about him--he doesn't feel like "I showed her my true self and she rejected me, just like I suspected she would."
As an alpha friend of a friend once said, "I wasn't going to hit on her, but I didn't want to hurt her feelings."
No doubt dividing men into alphas and betas is a simplification, but it does seem like there are sets of traits that go together. The "feminist insults" loser, virgin, and mommy issues have some truth to them, in that they describe a unified personality--it isn't random that they go together. Myself, I have some game, but if aggressive, confident and comfortable with self/women is one set of traits, and passive, insecure, and uncomfortable is the other, I know which set I got stuck with (including not a great relationship with my mom.)
I recently realized that the unifying element of it all is this feeling: if they saw the real me, they wouldn't like it. E.g., with my mother, "If I opened up with her about my life, and she told me what she really thought of me, it would be bad."
With women, I can't say it any better than The Last Psychiatrist:
There is a group of you who will read this and feel enraged by a double standard, in front of men women get to be sexy, talk about sex, flaunt it, but men can't introduce the topic, can't ask questions, can't pursue-- can't even look-- because then they're labeled as predators. If you're in this group you don't get it. The censorship doesn't come from women, it comes from you. If you feel like you can't ask her about her sex because you'll sound like a repressed stalker, you are, in fact, a repressed stalker. You're not going to kill her, ok, fair enough, but you aren't going to leave her alone, ever. If Trina rolls bleary eyed into the cubicle and says, "wow, I got totally plowed by this guy last night" not only are you not going to get any coding done that day, but you will make it impossible for her to ever get any coding done or keep her cell number because of your subtle pushes for more stories and passive aggressive inquiries about her relationship status and near constant innuendo. http://thelastpsychiatrist.com/2012/06/a..._look.html
In sports, work, other areas of life: one natural alpha I know said of himself that "when the clock is ticking down, I want the ball in my hands." Why, because he is a selfish dick? No, because he believes that he is the best person, that when someone needs to step up for the group, it might as well be him.
Years ago a friend of mine was offering to lend me a few bucks, and I was acting uncomfortable and unsure about it. And the friend said, "What, are you not going to pay me back?" It was my own doubt about my ability and good intentions that was causing my doubt and discomfort.
In the Nat Geo special on alpha male behaviors, it would be easy to focus on the externals of body language, voice, etc., and miss what I think is going on underneath. Why does the one guy come out on top in the group of mechanics? Is he thinking, "I'd better take up space and use dominant body language on these guys?" I doubt it. I bet he's thinking something more like, "I want this job/show to be a success and for everyone to have fun, and I am the best person to make that happen."
As the show pointed out towards the end, a key part of the alpha male role is taking responsibility for the group. In the final sequence of the show, with the 'gorilla' loose at the zoo, Chris, who emerged as the alpha, took the lead in comforting the frightened girl, even to the point of talking over another guy who was already doing it. What was he thinking--"I'd better outmanuever this guy so I can be alpha"? Again, I doubt it. I bet it was more like, "She needs to be comforted and I am the best person to make sure it is done right." And in the end he is the right person, because he follows through and takes responsibility for the group.
Stepping up, taking responsibility, and believing that unless proved otherwise you are the best person for the job--that's the essence. And again, with women, it's a matter of avoiding the toxic beta-male angry-nice-guy spiral: she's hot/she wouldn't like me/I hate her for being hot and not liking me. And now he's taken himself out of the game without a single at-bat.
While the alpha says, "I'm safe, I am not going to hurt her, I'm good in bed, I'll give her a good experience. If it is going to be one of the guys here, it might as well be me." And if it doesn't work for him that time, it's just because this particular girl wasn't feeling it right then. It doesn't say anything about him--he doesn't feel like "I showed her my true self and she rejected me, just like I suspected she would."
As an alpha friend of a friend once said, "I wasn't going to hit on her, but I didn't want to hurt her feelings."