[Dusty]

I saw this Albert Ellis Q&A while looking up some REBT stuff today. For those following the thread, this probably sounds familiar:

Quote:

Ask Dr. Ellis

May, 2006

Question: What about obsessive shyness in 2006? Does what you said in 1952 about overcoming severe shyness by approaching possible female partners, as you did when you were 19 years-old, still hold true? Is in vivo desensitization risk-taking still the way to go?

Dr. Ellis answers: Yes, using in vivo desensitization risk-taking interrupts irrational self-talk like, “I must not be rejected! I’m a no-goodnik for failing to get accepted! My whole worth as a person rests on my being approved!”

With your irrational self-talk you invent the necessity — instead of the preference — of being approved by partners and you make their rejection “terrible” instead of “unfortunate.” You obsessively-compulsively demand that acceptance by desired partners equals your worth as a person.

By using in vivo desensitization, you see that this equation is false and that it’s highly desirable to have selected partners favor you, but it is not necessary that they do.

If they now don’t do so, that only shows that they presently reject your presence — and not for all time or not by all possible partners. There can always be a tomorrow — so you keep risking failure until you sometimes succeed.

Being rejected does not mean your rejectors will, with their own obsessive-compulsiveness, eternally disfavor you. Even when they usually do so, that still doesn’t mean they forever will. Also, they may dislike something about you, but rarely will they dislike you totally, in every respect.

You may hate yourself totally for one or a few rejections — but, if so, you arrantly over-generalize, as Alfred Korzybski said in Science and Sanity in the 1950’s.

You may do rejectable things, but you are never totally rejectable or worthless. Someday you may act acceptably — especially if you keep persistently trying with in vivo risk-taking.

So be heartened. Yes, you may have done badly this time but you are not what you did. You are many possible acts — some of which you will discover if you keep trying.

Moral: Try it and see! If you unconditionally accept you with others’ rejections of your behaviors, you won’t always win. But you also won’t always lose. Experiment! Try it!

~Dr. Albert Ellis~
May 24, 2006