[JayD]

(05-27-2013 11:21 AM)flavoraddict Wrote:  

So, I've never asked for advice on this forum before, but it's largely because I've been in a long term relationship for a long time. Now that I'm coming out of it, I find that I'm quite rusty and my self-esteem is at an all time low. By way of context, I was dumped for the first time in my life by this long term thing, largely because she broke into my email and read about how I objectified her and gamed her prior to dating her. I realize it's not really my fault, but it caused me to question a lot of things about my life. I tried to get her back, but I couldn't and it felt like a personal failure.

Anyhow, I generally don't have much trouble picking up. I'm not a natural by any means, but in terms of social status, I have a good job, money, and am naturally good looking.

The girl in question is a 9 - not by the inflated internet standards, but a legit 9. She's a successful professional actress.

I'm taking an improv class with her, and after my break up I was feeling low and never hit on her, assuming she was out of my league. I wouldn't have thought this before, but I just felt like shit.

As I started to get back into the swing of things, I decided to take a shot. We got to talking after one class and decided to go to an improv show together. It's a show that is open to students to volunteer to perform in. I texted her the day of and suggested we get a drink beforehand and she said maybe, if she got off work in time. She didn't. The show was fine and we both performed. I did terribly and she did fine, but we are both pretty new to improv.

That night we got to talking and realized we lived close by, but she had her bike and I didn't so I rode her bike and she sat on the seat and held my shoulders. It was a good moment. Then afterwards, we talked for about half an hour outside her house. Conversation is probably the strongest part of my game, but I didn't do anythign else to build attraction. It was just a lot more important to me because I'm still trying to feel normal. It got awkward towards the end and she is the one who finally ended the conversation, hugging me goodnight. I should have been more assertive here.

We didn't really talk until the next class we had, in which I was on fire, showing off a lot of the stuff I had learned from watching dozens of shows back when I lived in LA. Then we had a scene together in which she led with - why don't you just ask me out already. I think she was sending a pretty strong sign.

A few days later I texted her asking her to get drinks and she agreed right away. We had a few drinks, good conversation, and we eventually ended up making out in front of her house. It felt really good to be back. I said, let's go upstairs and she said no. I didn't push.

That weekend, I had her over for drinks on my patio. It went well again. We then went downstairs to watch a movie but my roommates were not being cool and I had to explicitly ask them to clear out. It made thinks akward. Still, she was all over me during the movie, straddled me, and got on top at one point and had her shirt off. Then my rooomates came in again and we had to compose ourselves. ???

Finally it got late and she left. I should have escalated more here - I think she liked that I was a forward older man, but I wasn't here. Just very gunshy. I fumbled with her pants and was generally not great. She's tiny so I should have just picked her up and taken her to my bed. Or we should have watched the movie in my bedroom which is what I think she thought would happen to begin with. Just not my best effort.

Then, she started taking longer to reply to texts, turned me down for one date and then suggested we see an improv show. During that one I just fucking sucked and made a fool out of myself. while watching the other performers I put my hand on her shoulder and rubbed it a bit. She took my hand off - the kiss of death.

After the show she said she was tired and going home. I said let's get a drink, she said she was too tired.

At this point I knew that things were pretty much done - I had lost it.

I should probably just be happy that just a few months after the worst break up of my life, and going through my first depressive episode, I'm dating 9s. It should be a boon to my confidence. And it kind of is. But I wouldn't mind trying to repair this one.

In an effort to gain some control over it, I sent a text today. here is it and her response:

Hey X, just wanted to make clear that I get the hints you've been laying down - this is far from my first rodeo after all. but I would like to remain improv buddies, if you are down.

Hey X, I'm very embarassed you had to write that text. I should have gotten up the gumption to say it, i'm sorry. improv budddies we will remain!

Good! I think ti's better that way. and don't be embarassed. i've been in both of our shoes in this type of situation, and i don't mind being explicit about it. it's better in the long run.

--

so any analysis about what exactly I did wrong. i think i know but it would be nice to hear. and any suggestions for the future.

my best guess is just to not contact her indefinitely. see her in class only. maybe suggest we see a show in a week or two. maybe that leads to a drink, etc.

like i said, i realize i had a good thing at messed up. i was always on the fringe of my weight class, so there was never much margin for error. indeed, i probably got lucky because i think she just got over a bad breakup.

You already know what you did wrong, I have just bolded the parts for you.

Follow what the others have said, be emotionless and to corner her 1 on 1 and persist persist persist until she walks away. That's what I would do.