Quote: (05-31-2017 11:59 AM)MichaelCorleone Wrote:
I will try to tackle all 4 last posts in one. In a divorce with no kids and no house, we sold the house and were renting currently, you total up all assets including retirement, it doesn't matter how much each person is making its just an asset division with no kids and no house, so the lawyers literally make a spreadsheet and you horse trade until it gets to 50/50 so very rarely does one person not have to give something to the other person asset wise because very rarely is it gonna come up 50/50. Its the law, pretty much 50/50 so it isn't one person trying to take from the other person, but you have the option to fold to the 50/50, or you have a prenump, the prenump was pretty much useless bc in the end we were virtually equal in assets and the differential was small, and I will be honest she was willing to fight for every single penny until the end, the differential was slowly getting destroyed by lawyer fees so I just said F it in the end bc I got sick of paying lawyers and the money was so small I chose to end it.
What could I have done differently? I could have put some effort into the marriage the last 3-4 years when things got a bit rocky. Honestly, my biggest regret is that I put zero effort into helping things improve. She never gave up tried for years, she went to counseling herself, etc. begged me to go I refused. Bottomline is I never ever thought she would leave so I saw no incentive to put any real effort into saving things. I took her and the marriage for granted. If I really knew that she would really possibly leave, I would have put forth some effort. That's my biggest regret. Yeah, I wish now I would have put some effort forth but I didn't and she wanted it to work so badly I figured she'd never leave. Bottomline, I was kind of dumb.
Making 6 figures does not equate with Jamie Dimon, most people in finance after 2-3 years are making 6 figures. She really changed when she got into the work world, she became more westernized, but she still cooked from scratch, cleaned, she even cut the grass without me asking sometimes and she was great in bed. She worked very hard in life and in work. She succeeded in work because of her hard work, discipline, and determination, yeah I paid for her school and mentored her but she did the work and she succeeded and she got promotions and made more and more money. There are multitudes of lazy Americans that get their school paid for get plenty of mentoring and don't do anything with their lives. She wanted kids for years, I was the one that put it off, I was all about both of our careers and the money, and with her being 10 years younger, I figured I had the time to put off having kids. And now at 44 I kind of figured out I waited too long, but as I mentioned before, part of me wonders whether I really wanted kids. Yeah, if you have kids the marriage is more likely to last, 66% of divorced couples are childless, but if you are just staying together for the kids, what kind of life is that for you. Yes, it also incentivizes you to work at it harder, but man I know quite a few couples that hate each other but stay together for the kids, and studies show the stress of a kid lowers happiness, believe me I researched it big, because I wondered for weeks after she left whether I should have had a kid. So yeah, having kids keeps the marriage together, but maybe for the wrong reasons, for the kids at the expense of the parents more often than not it seems. IMHO anyway and the stats are pretty telling.
Robreke, you said the thread was kind of depressing bc you were looking for LTR in EE. I don't think it should be discouraging, she was a damn good wife, all of her friends that married Americans are still with them, and I shoulder most of the blame for it not working, just needed to put a bit of effort forth and I didn't. It's all what you want, I didn't want a stay at home Mom/homemaker, I paid for her school bc I wanted a wife that had a good job and made cash and contributed financially, and that part worked out. Yes, once she was out in the work world and was making good money at prestigious firms she changed a bit, but that was inevitable. Regarding being westernized, I mean she never gave up her values, she never cheated (that I am aware of), she cooked, cleaned, let me do pretty much anything I wanted and I could go anywhere etc. If anything her values kept her in the marriage the last 3-4 years because she refused to give up on the marriage she didn't want a divorce. Regarding having kids and leaving a legacy, people may disagree with this but once you dead and gone does it really matter what you leave behind, you are gone. Only thing I was ever concerned with was because she was 10 years younger after I was gone and she lived for 15-20 years or whatever after I was gone would she be ok, with the age differential I was never going to be alone but she was going to be after I was gone.
If you think that you don't have to put forth any effort to improve things because you don't think the other person would ever leave, and yeah you arent' totally happy, but as a guy I was content, you get apathetic. She almost left 4-5x the last few years, and I would change for 6 months then revert back to the way I was and the cycle would repeat. It's easy to see it all now, but I missed it then. Again, if I knew she'd really leave I would have put more effort in bc frankly I put zero effort in. So she is sitting there trying her best for 4 years, sending me long emails crying out for help, I ignored them all, refused counseling, just laughed it all off thinking she'd never leave and then she surprised me and left. From the research I have done, it appears that I was pretty par for the course that women cry out for years, the guys ignore it, then feel blindsided by them leaving, that's why I think 75% of divorces are initiated by women. Women reach a point where they give up and once they do, you really cant change their mind. This divorce was years in the making, I just didn't see it or believe that it was possible. I really hate to get into my personal mistakes, but suffice it to say the main reason was I put no effort into improving things. Regardless of what anyone thinks, marriage after 14 years together is sometimes work and both people have to be putting in effort, I wasn't.
If anything, my experience should encourage you all to find good EE women, because she was a good wife, and most of my friends that married EE are together and happy. We all started relationships with them when they were 19-21.
Put on a pedestal, if I would have done that none of this would have happened, she was low maintenance. She stuck it out for years man, she wanted it to work, she didn't want to leave, any American girl would have mailed it in years ago with no kids. IMHO, it doesn't matter where a girl comes from you gotta work a bit at marriage sometimes, and bc our history and me always seeing her as the little girl I saved, I always subconsciously felt she owed me, so I never put in any effort. Once a woman lives in the USA for 15 years makes good money, etc. they are gonna change man and its inevitable. I wanted a successful wife, I got it and didn't change my demeanor towards her in time, really bottomline. Her next guy will see her for the successful professional she is and give her the respect she deserves and has earned. I always saw her as the girl I saved so never respected her the way she should have been, and just took her for granted. I was kind of selfish in the end, but you live and learn in life, but me like so many others only truly learn the hard way. I have learned my lesson, it's just kind of tragic she had to leave for good for me to finally see the light.
You keep mentioning not giving her 'respect.' What do you mean by that? I work so much, it's a chore just to not neglect a LTR, needing blogging or reading time, podcasts, etc. to recharge.