Recently I met a Human Resources manager. I asked him, "What do you prefer? Actively searching out for employees with ads, or when potential employees actively contact you?"
Without hesitation, he answered that a candidate who is introduced to him by someone he knows will always trump a resume, especially for higher level positions. It's okay to use resumes to fill out the gaps in the gruntwork at the bottom of the company, but personal recommendations are the way to go for everything else.
That said, he was an HR guy for a bank, and banking is all about having people you know you can trust, so maybe that need for trust has biased him. Perhaps what he said is not applicable in other industries.
But the point of what I'm trying to say is that I still believe networking to be a superior method of getting anywhere, and although I'm working 2 jobs at the moment I am still trying to make time to meet random people for networking; my hope is to develop a solid system for approaching strangers and integrating them into your own circle.
So in this post I'm going to discuss how to choose someone to approach for networking, how to open and what to talk about after your opener. I'm going to discuss my provisional networking equivalent of GALNUC, which appears to be working well for me at this experimental stage.
As I said, this is experimental, so feel free to tear it down if you have something constructive to say.
Choosing your mark
It's easier to choose a girl to approach. You look at her, and your dick tells you whether to approach or not. Easy.
Ever heard of 'gaydar'? It's that weird intuitive ability gay people have to identify other gay people.
I believe in that there's a similar radar that one can develop for networking. You have to develop an intuitive ability to detect interesting people.
If you see someone and you think 'That looks like a person I'd like to know more about' then you need to figure out a way to approach, the same way you'd start thinking about approaching a potential bang.
Confidence artists select a mark who they feel they can build a rapport with, because it's easier to rip people off with whom you have a rapport. In the same way, you are going to pick people as marks with whom you can build an easy rapport with, not because you want to rip people off, but because these will be the easiest people to pull into your network.
Characteristics of a mark:
- You look at them and think 'Interesting looking person'
- You share physical features with the mark eg facial hair, glasses, clothing style
- You share similar body language and posture
- You share similar psychomotor speeds (i.e. you talk and move at similar speeds)
- You share voice pitch/tone
- You share philosophies and ways of thinking (unfortunately this may not be immediately apparent, and in terms of cold approaching, I suspect this is the least important when it comes to making the first impression; I think it is the most important, however, in the lasting impression as the relationship develops)
- If both you and your mark smoke
The more similar the mark is to you, the easier it is to build rapport and integrate that person into your network. Since there are different types of personalities in every industry, chances are there is someone you can mark who works at your target industry, if you are intending to use networking to secure work.
This is a far more subtle signal that your mind sends you. Your 'babe rader' - lust - at least is blatant and loud and tends to interrupt what you are thinking; the radar that detects interesting people is not nearly as loud and it can take some deliberate mental action on one's part to focus on a someone and rate them on a 1 to 10 scale for 'interestingness'.
So part of random networking is to deliberately go out and look for interesting people in the same way you might go out and look for lays.
Approach Anxiety
Bizarrely, I find that approaching men for the sake of networking can fill me with as much anxiety as approaching chicks. I'm not sure if this is due to my past of severe social anxiety or whether this is part of the general human condition - perhaps there is a part of the brain that is deliberately designed to force us to stay in our tribe and not socialise with other tribes. To control the anxiety I remind myself that in the universe there are bigger things worth worrying about than the outcome of a single approach.
It can also feel sleazy to approach a mark with a deliberate goal of trying to build rapport with them, to see if they are useful to know and network with. I remind myself that I'm not doing anything illegal or immoral, and that unlike confidence men that approach strangers to rip them off, I'm actually hoping to integrate them into my mutually beneficial network - it's win-win for both of us, if things hit it off with the mark and I get a card/number close.
Props needed
You need certain equipment if you're going to cold approach strangers.
To network you need to look sharp. Every great confidence artist dressed sharp. I'm not a fan of suits but I do try to look semi-formal/smart casual.
Next, you need calling cards. A calling card is a lot like a business card, but less formal. It may have your blog address or hobbies written on it. Some of your approaches will not be very formal and as you card close it will be a bit much to pull out your business card when you've just the last 10 minutes discussing a mutual outside-of-work hobby.
Here's a good breakdown on calling cards: http://artofmanliness.com/2008/09/07/the...ling-card/ and http://artofmanliness.com/2010/11/17/how...ling-card/
You don't need to have them professionally printed; I made my calling cards on Microsoft Word, and I printed them on cardboard paper with my inkjet printer. They look great, and since I only print a few at a time I can customise them all the time.
But you still need business cards. Some approaches are more formal and the business card is more appropriate.
That said, don't be afraid to hand out both cards - your calling and your business card. If there are mutual business and out-of-business interests, this will be a good way of signalling that you're open for either kind of networking - business or social (although the one often leads to the other).
A wallet for your cards is awesome. You need a small dedicated wallet for your cards. There is something about pulling out your little leather card wallet and pulling out a card that makes a strong impression. Don't have your cards in your general wallet. You have to have a dedicated card holding wallet which does nothing else except hold your business and calling cards. One guy I met kept all his cards in silver card case, that was also very smooth. Something like this
If you smoke, then offering a cigarrette is a way of building rapport. I don't smoke myself, but I've been offered a smoke enough times to know that it is used as social bonding tool. If you smoke you may as well use it to your advantage, if your mark smokes.
It's also good to have a prop to ramble on if the conversation gets stale. Like your motorcycle helmet (people love enquiring about your ride), or the book you're reading in the coffeeshop.
The Actual Approach and W-N-D-H-C as an Alternative to GALNUC
The key is to open elderly:
"Hey, is that what they call an Ipad?"
"Excuse me, is that a good helmet?"
If you're at a meeting or conference, "So how did you end up here?" works well. I used it 4 times at the same gathering the other day. It works well in that specific context.
So you open and then you just have to ramble and ramble, pretty much the same way as in Roosh's book Day Bang. Follow the rhythm of statement statement question statement statement question. Avoid asking the mark personal questions at first. Try to make statements that bait the mark into asking you personal questions.
Now here comes the difference between Roosh's conversational system and my networking system. In the Day Bang system you ramble on and on and on and then right at the end, only after being asked a personal question, then you activate GALNUC. It's like running a 900 metre race and then the last 100m you have all these hurdles to jump over.
If you're networking you're probably approaching men, and men being more goal directed in speech and listening are much more lenient and would also like to be integrated into the conversation earlier. They also respond better to personal questions that are asked earlier in the conversation. It's better to engage them earlier and draw out the process. W-N-D-H-C is then more like running a 1000 metre race with hurdles at every 100 metres.
So after opening keep rambling on the initial topic, at least 2 minutes if possible. Eventually a lull in the conversation has forms, and you drop your first move:
W - So Where are you from?
You know that your vibe is off or if you didn't ramble enough by the fact that the mark reacts negatively to the question.
But if the rapport is good the mark will be glad to give you a rough indication where he's from and will in all likelihood ask where are you from. Ramble and ramble on. Try not to move to the next stage for at least 2 minutes.
At this point and after, consider greasing your mark. If your mark smokes, offer a cigarette. If you're at a coffee shop, offer to buy a cup of coffee. If you've encountered some mutual hobby, offer to email some interesting links (but don't ask for any contact details at this time, just say 'I'll get your contact details before we split' or some such like).
Amazing how greasing can build rapport. One of my marks started smiling and having more positive body language when I bought him a cup of coffee.
Not to say you have to grease, but if you are in a situation where you can grease then it makes the approach more interesting. If you're getting weird vibes from a person and you're not sure you want him in your network, feel free to postpone the grease. If you find yourself not liking the person at all, then it's better to break off the conversation - greasing your mark is not going to make him any more likeable, it will only make you more likeable to your mark.
Once you've rambled long enough, or just after you've greased your mark, you move on to the next stage of W-N-D-H-C:
Extend your hand for a handshake and say:
N - Sorry, but I didn't get your Name?
or if you've already introduced yourselves,
Sorry, but I'm terrible with names, what's your name again?
YOU MUST SHAKE HANDS! The physical contact is the networking equivalent of 'kino' - you use the physical contact to build up rapport. Unless your mark initiates it earlier, always wait up to this point to initiate handshaking. Earlier handshaking does not build rapport as effectively.
If it's a very unusual name feel free to ask your mark to spell it.
I like to ask people about where they got their name. After some rambling about names (doesn't need to be 2 minutes, can be shorter this time around) you move on to:
D - So Mr X, what do you Do?
If the job is very unusual I usually asks for some details on the job description. It's also very common for the mark to ask you what you do. (Some people may prefer to talk about hobbies, which is fine, just go with the flow of the conversation). Ramble on a little about jobs (again, don't need to ramble too much at this stage of the conversation) and then in a natural way go on to:
H - How did you end up in your current job? Did you network?
It's amazing how vague the answers are to this question. I hardly ever get a straight answer, which is fine. The important part is NOT the first question, but rather the SECOND one. By asking 'Did you network?' you are warming up your mark to your card close. You've established that you are the kind of person who naturally tends to network. The content of the answer is therefore irrelevant except for stimulating rambling, what matters is that you've warmed up the mark to the possibility of networking with you.
So ramble on, this time draw it out longer (at least 2 minutes), and then when you feel ready to close:
C - "Well, I have some things I need to do. It's been great talking to you, let me give you my Card; and if I can have yours then I'd like to give you call to keep in touch and one of these days I'd like to buy you some coffee."
Take out your card wallet with a flourish, and pull out the calling card or business card or both, and hand it over.
Your mark, if he has a card, will probably give you one. If he says 'I don't usually have cards on me' then say 'No problem, I'll take your number in my phone.'
Then you say goodbye. Congratulations on a successful card close! Call your mark in 2 to 3 days to keep in touch and schedule a date/meeting.
Sometimes rapport is so good that the mark will preempt some of your questions by asking your name for example, before you have a change to ask it. This is usually a good sign. Go with the flow of the conversation and improvise your stages to suit the flow.
A bad sign, though, is if the mark asks you what you do before asking your name or where you're from - it means the mark is sizing you up. Generally that kind of personality is not worth keeping around anyway though.
That's an approach for networking with random people you meet. I seem to be doing well with this method in terms of building rapport. It doesn't always work but rejection is part of the game. Feel free to critique my method (or to come up with a better acronym for WNDHC).
Without hesitation, he answered that a candidate who is introduced to him by someone he knows will always trump a resume, especially for higher level positions. It's okay to use resumes to fill out the gaps in the gruntwork at the bottom of the company, but personal recommendations are the way to go for everything else.
That said, he was an HR guy for a bank, and banking is all about having people you know you can trust, so maybe that need for trust has biased him. Perhaps what he said is not applicable in other industries.
But the point of what I'm trying to say is that I still believe networking to be a superior method of getting anywhere, and although I'm working 2 jobs at the moment I am still trying to make time to meet random people for networking; my hope is to develop a solid system for approaching strangers and integrating them into your own circle.
So in this post I'm going to discuss how to choose someone to approach for networking, how to open and what to talk about after your opener. I'm going to discuss my provisional networking equivalent of GALNUC, which appears to be working well for me at this experimental stage.
As I said, this is experimental, so feel free to tear it down if you have something constructive to say.
Choosing your mark
It's easier to choose a girl to approach. You look at her, and your dick tells you whether to approach or not. Easy.
Ever heard of 'gaydar'? It's that weird intuitive ability gay people have to identify other gay people.
I believe in that there's a similar radar that one can develop for networking. You have to develop an intuitive ability to detect interesting people.
If you see someone and you think 'That looks like a person I'd like to know more about' then you need to figure out a way to approach, the same way you'd start thinking about approaching a potential bang.
Confidence artists select a mark who they feel they can build a rapport with, because it's easier to rip people off with whom you have a rapport. In the same way, you are going to pick people as marks with whom you can build an easy rapport with, not because you want to rip people off, but because these will be the easiest people to pull into your network.
Characteristics of a mark:
- You look at them and think 'Interesting looking person'
- You share physical features with the mark eg facial hair, glasses, clothing style
- You share similar body language and posture
- You share similar psychomotor speeds (i.e. you talk and move at similar speeds)
- You share voice pitch/tone
- You share philosophies and ways of thinking (unfortunately this may not be immediately apparent, and in terms of cold approaching, I suspect this is the least important when it comes to making the first impression; I think it is the most important, however, in the lasting impression as the relationship develops)
- If both you and your mark smoke
The more similar the mark is to you, the easier it is to build rapport and integrate that person into your network. Since there are different types of personalities in every industry, chances are there is someone you can mark who works at your target industry, if you are intending to use networking to secure work.
This is a far more subtle signal that your mind sends you. Your 'babe rader' - lust - at least is blatant and loud and tends to interrupt what you are thinking; the radar that detects interesting people is not nearly as loud and it can take some deliberate mental action on one's part to focus on a someone and rate them on a 1 to 10 scale for 'interestingness'.
So part of random networking is to deliberately go out and look for interesting people in the same way you might go out and look for lays.
Approach Anxiety
Bizarrely, I find that approaching men for the sake of networking can fill me with as much anxiety as approaching chicks. I'm not sure if this is due to my past of severe social anxiety or whether this is part of the general human condition - perhaps there is a part of the brain that is deliberately designed to force us to stay in our tribe and not socialise with other tribes. To control the anxiety I remind myself that in the universe there are bigger things worth worrying about than the outcome of a single approach.
It can also feel sleazy to approach a mark with a deliberate goal of trying to build rapport with them, to see if they are useful to know and network with. I remind myself that I'm not doing anything illegal or immoral, and that unlike confidence men that approach strangers to rip them off, I'm actually hoping to integrate them into my mutually beneficial network - it's win-win for both of us, if things hit it off with the mark and I get a card/number close.
Props needed
You need certain equipment if you're going to cold approach strangers.
To network you need to look sharp. Every great confidence artist dressed sharp. I'm not a fan of suits but I do try to look semi-formal/smart casual.
Next, you need calling cards. A calling card is a lot like a business card, but less formal. It may have your blog address or hobbies written on it. Some of your approaches will not be very formal and as you card close it will be a bit much to pull out your business card when you've just the last 10 minutes discussing a mutual outside-of-work hobby.
Here's a good breakdown on calling cards: http://artofmanliness.com/2008/09/07/the...ling-card/ and http://artofmanliness.com/2010/11/17/how...ling-card/
You don't need to have them professionally printed; I made my calling cards on Microsoft Word, and I printed them on cardboard paper with my inkjet printer. They look great, and since I only print a few at a time I can customise them all the time.
But you still need business cards. Some approaches are more formal and the business card is more appropriate.
That said, don't be afraid to hand out both cards - your calling and your business card. If there are mutual business and out-of-business interests, this will be a good way of signalling that you're open for either kind of networking - business or social (although the one often leads to the other).
A wallet for your cards is awesome. You need a small dedicated wallet for your cards. There is something about pulling out your little leather card wallet and pulling out a card that makes a strong impression. Don't have your cards in your general wallet. You have to have a dedicated card holding wallet which does nothing else except hold your business and calling cards. One guy I met kept all his cards in silver card case, that was also very smooth. Something like this
If you smoke, then offering a cigarrette is a way of building rapport. I don't smoke myself, but I've been offered a smoke enough times to know that it is used as social bonding tool. If you smoke you may as well use it to your advantage, if your mark smokes.
It's also good to have a prop to ramble on if the conversation gets stale. Like your motorcycle helmet (people love enquiring about your ride), or the book you're reading in the coffeeshop.
The Actual Approach and W-N-D-H-C as an Alternative to GALNUC
The key is to open elderly:
"Hey, is that what they call an Ipad?"
"Excuse me, is that a good helmet?"
If you're at a meeting or conference, "So how did you end up here?" works well. I used it 4 times at the same gathering the other day. It works well in that specific context.
So you open and then you just have to ramble and ramble, pretty much the same way as in Roosh's book Day Bang. Follow the rhythm of statement statement question statement statement question. Avoid asking the mark personal questions at first. Try to make statements that bait the mark into asking you personal questions.
Now here comes the difference between Roosh's conversational system and my networking system. In the Day Bang system you ramble on and on and on and then right at the end, only after being asked a personal question, then you activate GALNUC. It's like running a 900 metre race and then the last 100m you have all these hurdles to jump over.
If you're networking you're probably approaching men, and men being more goal directed in speech and listening are much more lenient and would also like to be integrated into the conversation earlier. They also respond better to personal questions that are asked earlier in the conversation. It's better to engage them earlier and draw out the process. W-N-D-H-C is then more like running a 1000 metre race with hurdles at every 100 metres.
So after opening keep rambling on the initial topic, at least 2 minutes if possible. Eventually a lull in the conversation has forms, and you drop your first move:
W - So Where are you from?
You know that your vibe is off or if you didn't ramble enough by the fact that the mark reacts negatively to the question.
But if the rapport is good the mark will be glad to give you a rough indication where he's from and will in all likelihood ask where are you from. Ramble and ramble on. Try not to move to the next stage for at least 2 minutes.
At this point and after, consider greasing your mark. If your mark smokes, offer a cigarette. If you're at a coffee shop, offer to buy a cup of coffee. If you've encountered some mutual hobby, offer to email some interesting links (but don't ask for any contact details at this time, just say 'I'll get your contact details before we split' or some such like).
Amazing how greasing can build rapport. One of my marks started smiling and having more positive body language when I bought him a cup of coffee.
Not to say you have to grease, but if you are in a situation where you can grease then it makes the approach more interesting. If you're getting weird vibes from a person and you're not sure you want him in your network, feel free to postpone the grease. If you find yourself not liking the person at all, then it's better to break off the conversation - greasing your mark is not going to make him any more likeable, it will only make you more likeable to your mark.
Once you've rambled long enough, or just after you've greased your mark, you move on to the next stage of W-N-D-H-C:
Extend your hand for a handshake and say:
N - Sorry, but I didn't get your Name?
or if you've already introduced yourselves,
Sorry, but I'm terrible with names, what's your name again?
YOU MUST SHAKE HANDS! The physical contact is the networking equivalent of 'kino' - you use the physical contact to build up rapport. Unless your mark initiates it earlier, always wait up to this point to initiate handshaking. Earlier handshaking does not build rapport as effectively.
If it's a very unusual name feel free to ask your mark to spell it.
I like to ask people about where they got their name. After some rambling about names (doesn't need to be 2 minutes, can be shorter this time around) you move on to:
D - So Mr X, what do you Do?
If the job is very unusual I usually asks for some details on the job description. It's also very common for the mark to ask you what you do. (Some people may prefer to talk about hobbies, which is fine, just go with the flow of the conversation). Ramble on a little about jobs (again, don't need to ramble too much at this stage of the conversation) and then in a natural way go on to:
H - How did you end up in your current job? Did you network?
It's amazing how vague the answers are to this question. I hardly ever get a straight answer, which is fine. The important part is NOT the first question, but rather the SECOND one. By asking 'Did you network?' you are warming up your mark to your card close. You've established that you are the kind of person who naturally tends to network. The content of the answer is therefore irrelevant except for stimulating rambling, what matters is that you've warmed up the mark to the possibility of networking with you.
So ramble on, this time draw it out longer (at least 2 minutes), and then when you feel ready to close:
C - "Well, I have some things I need to do. It's been great talking to you, let me give you my Card; and if I can have yours then I'd like to give you call to keep in touch and one of these days I'd like to buy you some coffee."
Take out your card wallet with a flourish, and pull out the calling card or business card or both, and hand it over.
Your mark, if he has a card, will probably give you one. If he says 'I don't usually have cards on me' then say 'No problem, I'll take your number in my phone.'
Then you say goodbye. Congratulations on a successful card close! Call your mark in 2 to 3 days to keep in touch and schedule a date/meeting.
Sometimes rapport is so good that the mark will preempt some of your questions by asking your name for example, before you have a change to ask it. This is usually a good sign. Go with the flow of the conversation and improvise your stages to suit the flow.
A bad sign, though, is if the mark asks you what you do before asking your name or where you're from - it means the mark is sizing you up. Generally that kind of personality is not worth keeping around anyway though.
That's an approach for networking with random people you meet. I seem to be doing well with this method in terms of building rapport. It doesn't always work but rejection is part of the game. Feel free to critique my method (or to come up with a better acronym for WNDHC).