As a kid, I used to love the excitement of seeing a new place with my parents in a jet plane in my precocious little head. I viewed airplanes as time machines and airports as a convergence of people who like time machines. That little fantasy still exists in my head, as I'm still astounded that I can go in a metal tube and wake up in another reality. However, as I've gotten older and more traveled, that tin can of wonder has turned into the sardine can. Perhaps fighting my own little obsession with making flying as exciting as possible, I've worked hard on how to make my flight experience as positive and ballerific as possible. Let me drop some knowledge on how to end up in first class seating, exit rows seats, rows where you are the only traveler, obtain free beverage tickets on domestic flights, and in first class lounges.
Before I go into this, I'm sure many of you know of the forum flyertalk.com, and while they are an invaluable source of information from time to time, fuck 'em. I'm not going to spend the rest of my life eating at Applebee's fo 2x miles, or creating an excel sheet to keep track of how many CC offers I've signed up for to accumulate miles. Let's fly like a baller the way it should be done.
1. Find an airline alliance and fly with them unless absolutely necessary. I'm with Star Alliance. They cover the globe pretty well with high quality airlines. Thai, Turkish, Asiana, Air Canada, Lufthansa, Swiss, and Singapore are all high quality airlines internationally, with direct destinations to places I want to go. United and USair,while not great are also part of it and cover me domestically. Loyalty to an alliance is often the difference between you and some other well dressed schmuck that has figured this out as well. Which leads me into...
2. Dress for the occasion. The night before a flight,I always think about what I'm going to wear and I've settled into two go to outfits. The theory is simple. Every airline in the world wants to give off the impression that they are high quality,and attract well-heeled clientele. They absolutely do not want a scraggly backpacker in their first class lounge, in their best seats, or drinking for free on their flight. The clientele flying that airline who have actually paid for that business seat, or are sitting in that first class lounge do to want you there, as your scraggly ass isn't going to offer them any networking value. Dress like you're going to the classiest club or restaurant in your city when flying internationally. I have a flight to China tomorrow, and while there is going to be a severe language barrier when I check in, I'm wearing neatly pressed custom trousers, Ferragamo loafers, and a dressed shirt that oozes class commingled with trend. My best color is blue, so of course I'm going to clash the navy blue trousers with sky blue checkers on the shirt, mixed with brown loafers, a brow belt, a brown leather band Omega watch with a white back and blue hands, and a pair of ray bans that fit my face like a fucking glove. I'd throw a picture up of my outfit, but I'm on an iPad and can't upload. Nonetheless,the outfit oozes exactly the type of client they want interacting with their first class passengers. I've now flipped the game on them. They want me to be treated like a king because my ass in a good seat provides more value to their brand than the cost of my ass in that seat.
3. Ditch the backpack. Here's where we get to really have fun. I made a major investment this year, and this half of the game might not be for everyone. But fuck it, buy a fake if you have to. I bought Vuitton luggage. I bought it used, but it was certifiably real. It will never go out of style, and it is going to last a lifetime. If Mick Jagger swears by LV luggage, then I can too. I have a Vuitton suitcase and carry on bag. You walk into an airport with LV and you own the place more than a Russian fucking oligarch.
4. Arrive early. Many seats in fact are not assigned until an hour or two before a flight. They say you get to choose seat when you buy an airline ticket, but ever notice why most seats toward the front of the flight and all emergency row seats are always taken? They're not taken, they're simply held back for the people they want to sit there. Show up early ready to ball, and it's likely to be you.
5. Find a female to check in with. Game if she speaks English. If her English is poor, your outfit and luggage will do the talking. I flew BRU - JFK on a Saturday morning before a long weekend in April. A flight full of diplomats and government officials jumping either to the UN or going home from the EU to visit family. While I didn't fly business, guess who sat row 1 of economy in the exit row and drank moët?
6. Ask if there are upgrades to purchase. No, you won't pay, but it adds to the fantasy that you are the most important motherfucker on that flight. Chumps who think they can sit first class, ask if there is extra room for free, and will never sit there. Ballers who offer to pay will oftentimes be upgraded by offering to pay and running game. It's not the fact that you'll, but merely e offer that you have the cash to pay if need be. If there are none, which many times there aren't, then....
7. Explain why you need the first class lounge. I haven't been denied the first class lounge the last four times I've flown internationally. Remember, the mentality you must take is that your presence adds to the quality of their airline. Gaming an airline is a lot like gaming an American girl. Unprepared betas fail. Desperate men fail. Actions speak louder than words.
Falling to bang a girl means jerking off. Failing to game an airline means 10 hours of crying babies and hellacious jet lag. Prepare well boys and live the dream. Flight report coming after I touch down PVG.
Before I go into this, I'm sure many of you know of the forum flyertalk.com, and while they are an invaluable source of information from time to time, fuck 'em. I'm not going to spend the rest of my life eating at Applebee's fo 2x miles, or creating an excel sheet to keep track of how many CC offers I've signed up for to accumulate miles. Let's fly like a baller the way it should be done.
1. Find an airline alliance and fly with them unless absolutely necessary. I'm with Star Alliance. They cover the globe pretty well with high quality airlines. Thai, Turkish, Asiana, Air Canada, Lufthansa, Swiss, and Singapore are all high quality airlines internationally, with direct destinations to places I want to go. United and USair,while not great are also part of it and cover me domestically. Loyalty to an alliance is often the difference between you and some other well dressed schmuck that has figured this out as well. Which leads me into...
2. Dress for the occasion. The night before a flight,I always think about what I'm going to wear and I've settled into two go to outfits. The theory is simple. Every airline in the world wants to give off the impression that they are high quality,and attract well-heeled clientele. They absolutely do not want a scraggly backpacker in their first class lounge, in their best seats, or drinking for free on their flight. The clientele flying that airline who have actually paid for that business seat, or are sitting in that first class lounge do to want you there, as your scraggly ass isn't going to offer them any networking value. Dress like you're going to the classiest club or restaurant in your city when flying internationally. I have a flight to China tomorrow, and while there is going to be a severe language barrier when I check in, I'm wearing neatly pressed custom trousers, Ferragamo loafers, and a dressed shirt that oozes class commingled with trend. My best color is blue, so of course I'm going to clash the navy blue trousers with sky blue checkers on the shirt, mixed with brown loafers, a brow belt, a brown leather band Omega watch with a white back and blue hands, and a pair of ray bans that fit my face like a fucking glove. I'd throw a picture up of my outfit, but I'm on an iPad and can't upload. Nonetheless,the outfit oozes exactly the type of client they want interacting with their first class passengers. I've now flipped the game on them. They want me to be treated like a king because my ass in a good seat provides more value to their brand than the cost of my ass in that seat.
3. Ditch the backpack. Here's where we get to really have fun. I made a major investment this year, and this half of the game might not be for everyone. But fuck it, buy a fake if you have to. I bought Vuitton luggage. I bought it used, but it was certifiably real. It will never go out of style, and it is going to last a lifetime. If Mick Jagger swears by LV luggage, then I can too. I have a Vuitton suitcase and carry on bag. You walk into an airport with LV and you own the place more than a Russian fucking oligarch.
4. Arrive early. Many seats in fact are not assigned until an hour or two before a flight. They say you get to choose seat when you buy an airline ticket, but ever notice why most seats toward the front of the flight and all emergency row seats are always taken? They're not taken, they're simply held back for the people they want to sit there. Show up early ready to ball, and it's likely to be you.
5. Find a female to check in with. Game if she speaks English. If her English is poor, your outfit and luggage will do the talking. I flew BRU - JFK on a Saturday morning before a long weekend in April. A flight full of diplomats and government officials jumping either to the UN or going home from the EU to visit family. While I didn't fly business, guess who sat row 1 of economy in the exit row and drank moët?
6. Ask if there are upgrades to purchase. No, you won't pay, but it adds to the fantasy that you are the most important motherfucker on that flight. Chumps who think they can sit first class, ask if there is extra room for free, and will never sit there. Ballers who offer to pay will oftentimes be upgraded by offering to pay and running game. It's not the fact that you'll, but merely e offer that you have the cash to pay if need be. If there are none, which many times there aren't, then....
7. Explain why you need the first class lounge. I haven't been denied the first class lounge the last four times I've flown internationally. Remember, the mentality you must take is that your presence adds to the quality of their airline. Gaming an airline is a lot like gaming an American girl. Unprepared betas fail. Desperate men fail. Actions speak louder than words.
Falling to bang a girl means jerking off. Failing to game an airline means 10 hours of crying babies and hellacious jet lag. Prepare well boys and live the dream. Flight report coming after I touch down PVG.