@Phineas: Thank you for your intelligent criticisms. I'd like to engage with you more. I'll respond to your points one by one:
"Time and resources are limited"
That's very true! I've come to see polyamory as a type of hobby or game, and it depends on what you value. If your career is your main focus and the end goal of learning game is to get pussy, then polyamory is not for you. If, however, you are the kind of person that enjoys constantly growing in the area of relationships, wants to design a life that is unique, and exciting, and want your actions to be congruent with values of love and freedom, then it's a hobby worth considering.
Let me give you an example of growing. You mentioned jealousy. You're 100% right it's real for everybody. But have you noticed that if you're with an unattractive girl and she leaves you for another man, it's not as big a deal. Why is that? It's because you know that you can replace her with someone better. So, jealousy comes from a scarcity mentality. Fear of loss, due to the uncertainty of being able to replace her with someone as good or better. Sounds like a case of "oneitis" right? Jealousy is usually rooted in fear of losing someone and having to find someone else as good, which is rooted in insecurity about your market value. Why are you insecure about that? Is it a self-esteem issue, or has your market value gone down, or have you become overly attached to your partner?
Jealousy is a bad feeling for sure, but it gives us insight on how to grow. When you approach a girl and get rejected, you feel shitty right? Does that mean you should stop approaching? Of course not, the emotions can be used to make you better. It's the same thing.
"But when it comes to other women, they refrain out of respect for their partner and the relationship."
This might seem like an innocent lie, or a white lie, but it's this pretending that causes us deep feelings of shame, guilt, and distrust. This is also how the path to getting cheated on starts. I don't know about you, but cheating would be a total deal-breaker for me. If you're only doing relationships that last a few weeks or months, then you can get away with "don't ask, don't tell" or staying happily monogamous. But if you're trying to go longer term, then eventually the pretending will result in heartbreak if you're discovered, or being in a guilt-laden relationship if you're not. I don't understand how people can purposely deceive their lovers and still feel like there's real love there...
"And is talking about your feelings for other women really such a big payoff?"
For me, it's a feeling of total acceptance that helps me love myself more, and helps me go through the world with joy and confidence and freedom. It's a feeling of liberation, that there's nothing wrong with me or what I'm doing. My friends give me that too, but there's a part of me that wants that feeling from my lover.
"It's suboptimal for society"
That's an tough one! I would agree that it doesn't fit into our current system very well. Marriage laws and all that . But I would argue that our current system is fucked up! We all agree that single-parenthood is a huge problem with our society. We know that a two parent household is better than one. Why wouldn't a three parent household be better than two? In ancient times, men would have several wives. I'd imagine the more parents you have raising the children, the more attention the children will receive. Personally, I'm very turned off by the idea of having children because I know how much that would infringe on my freedom to travel and be solitary. If there were more adults involved, then I would have that freedom.
I know on this forum, the consensus seems to be that the solution to our cultural problems is to move backwards. I believe that this is no longer an option. Realistically we know it's just not going to happen. We should look at new solutions.
"virtual-signaling"
You're right that a lot of people call themselves "polyamorous" as a form of showing how progressive they are. People also do it to give themselves moral highground or to justify their reckless behavior. They give polyamory a bad name. The word "Polyamory" means multiple loving relationships. Slutting around isn't polyamory.
Is it a fad? Maybe, but I don't think so. People said that gay pride was a fad. It's true that coming out as gay is hip and trendy in ultra-liberal circles. When that cool factor dies down, will there be any gays left? Of course there will. Culturally, we are in a time of breaking all the rules and seeing which ones stick. Polyamory is the next stop on the train tracks. People will come out as polyamorous just to look cool, sure. I think some people will try it on and decide it's not for them, others will and love it.
@JayGould
I completely agree that double standards are sometimes good. Life is not fair, and it never will be. Why obsess over fairness, instead of looking at our actual needs.
"But your wife must always be faithful to you. "
You can make her promise this, but what happens if your wife has feelings for another man? Attraction is not a choice. She is supposed to try to repress it or hide it, right? The result of this is she will either feel shame for something natural, or feel resentment towards you for making her feel negative emotions. I've learned from experience that it's impossible to bottle feelings up without consequences. The consequences in this situation is that she will start feeling more distant from you, and start craving the intimacy of a truly loving relationship. If and when she cheats on you, she will be emotionally more bonded with her secret lover because she's able to admit things to him that she can't with you. I don't know the statistics but I know a very high % of married people cheat, even though they are all promising to be faithful. The reason people cheat is that we set an unnatural standard that's impossible to sustain for a lifetime.
"Time and resources are limited"
That's very true! I've come to see polyamory as a type of hobby or game, and it depends on what you value. If your career is your main focus and the end goal of learning game is to get pussy, then polyamory is not for you. If, however, you are the kind of person that enjoys constantly growing in the area of relationships, wants to design a life that is unique, and exciting, and want your actions to be congruent with values of love and freedom, then it's a hobby worth considering.
Let me give you an example of growing. You mentioned jealousy. You're 100% right it's real for everybody. But have you noticed that if you're with an unattractive girl and she leaves you for another man, it's not as big a deal. Why is that? It's because you know that you can replace her with someone better. So, jealousy comes from a scarcity mentality. Fear of loss, due to the uncertainty of being able to replace her with someone as good or better. Sounds like a case of "oneitis" right? Jealousy is usually rooted in fear of losing someone and having to find someone else as good, which is rooted in insecurity about your market value. Why are you insecure about that? Is it a self-esteem issue, or has your market value gone down, or have you become overly attached to your partner?
Jealousy is a bad feeling for sure, but it gives us insight on how to grow. When you approach a girl and get rejected, you feel shitty right? Does that mean you should stop approaching? Of course not, the emotions can be used to make you better. It's the same thing.
"But when it comes to other women, they refrain out of respect for their partner and the relationship."
This might seem like an innocent lie, or a white lie, but it's this pretending that causes us deep feelings of shame, guilt, and distrust. This is also how the path to getting cheated on starts. I don't know about you, but cheating would be a total deal-breaker for me. If you're only doing relationships that last a few weeks or months, then you can get away with "don't ask, don't tell" or staying happily monogamous. But if you're trying to go longer term, then eventually the pretending will result in heartbreak if you're discovered, or being in a guilt-laden relationship if you're not. I don't understand how people can purposely deceive their lovers and still feel like there's real love there...
"And is talking about your feelings for other women really such a big payoff?"
For me, it's a feeling of total acceptance that helps me love myself more, and helps me go through the world with joy and confidence and freedom. It's a feeling of liberation, that there's nothing wrong with me or what I'm doing. My friends give me that too, but there's a part of me that wants that feeling from my lover.
"It's suboptimal for society"
That's an tough one! I would agree that it doesn't fit into our current system very well. Marriage laws and all that . But I would argue that our current system is fucked up! We all agree that single-parenthood is a huge problem with our society. We know that a two parent household is better than one. Why wouldn't a three parent household be better than two? In ancient times, men would have several wives. I'd imagine the more parents you have raising the children, the more attention the children will receive. Personally, I'm very turned off by the idea of having children because I know how much that would infringe on my freedom to travel and be solitary. If there were more adults involved, then I would have that freedom.
I know on this forum, the consensus seems to be that the solution to our cultural problems is to move backwards. I believe that this is no longer an option. Realistically we know it's just not going to happen. We should look at new solutions.
"virtual-signaling"
You're right that a lot of people call themselves "polyamorous" as a form of showing how progressive they are. People also do it to give themselves moral highground or to justify their reckless behavior. They give polyamory a bad name. The word "Polyamory" means multiple loving relationships. Slutting around isn't polyamory.
Is it a fad? Maybe, but I don't think so. People said that gay pride was a fad. It's true that coming out as gay is hip and trendy in ultra-liberal circles. When that cool factor dies down, will there be any gays left? Of course there will. Culturally, we are in a time of breaking all the rules and seeing which ones stick. Polyamory is the next stop on the train tracks. People will come out as polyamorous just to look cool, sure. I think some people will try it on and decide it's not for them, others will and love it.
@JayGould
I completely agree that double standards are sometimes good. Life is not fair, and it never will be. Why obsess over fairness, instead of looking at our actual needs.
"But your wife must always be faithful to you. "
You can make her promise this, but what happens if your wife has feelings for another man? Attraction is not a choice. She is supposed to try to repress it or hide it, right? The result of this is she will either feel shame for something natural, or feel resentment towards you for making her feel negative emotions. I've learned from experience that it's impossible to bottle feelings up without consequences. The consequences in this situation is that she will start feeling more distant from you, and start craving the intimacy of a truly loving relationship. If and when she cheats on you, she will be emotionally more bonded with her secret lover because she's able to admit things to him that she can't with you. I don't know the statistics but I know a very high % of married people cheat, even though they are all promising to be faithful. The reason people cheat is that we set an unnatural standard that's impossible to sustain for a lifetime.