Quote: (04-15-2018 11:15 PM)Delta Wrote:
One of the most under-discussed topics in game, I think, is what makes an engaging conversationalist. Traditional game stuff like push-pull, teasing, negging, etc. are good to sprinkle in, but they're never going to be the bulk of a conversation. Whether doing an approach or on a first date, over 90% of your time is spent just plain having a conversation with another human being. And if you suck at that, the smoothest escalation techniques in the world are still going to flop, and your baller pad 2 blocks away from the bar is worth shit because she isn't coming back to it. Not to mention that being a good conversationalist has many other applications besides trying to get laid.
My problem, which I'm sure many can relate to, is that my conversations with girls usually feel like a chore. They're not fun for me which probably means they're not fun for her either. Hell, even my conversations with a lot of men I meet feel like a chore. But I'm not some kind of anti-social recluse; I know this because there are family and friends in my life whom I legitimately enjoy talking with. The mystery that needs to be solved is: what's the difference? What makes some conversations an exhausting exercise in thinking of something to say, while others flow organically?
I've dug into some of the advice out there on this topic, and two interesting themes kept surfacing over and over (other than the insultingly obvious stuff):
1. Listen intently.
Many people are brainstorming their next brilliant remark while the other person is speaking, which naturally hinders their ability to concentrate on what that person is saying. It's counterproductive. A response that demonstrates that you fully understand, and better yet, are interested in what person just said is worth much more than a witty remark that shows the person you were tuning them out. People want to be heard.
2. Focus on emotions, values, and beliefs rather than facts.
When listening to the other person, there's something called the FEW technique- Fact, Emotion, Why. Once they give you a fact, dig a bit deeper and ask a question that pertains to the emotions it makes them feel. For example:
GIRL: "I went shopping earlier today."
YOU: "Oh? Do you go shopping for fun, or just when you need stuff?"
-Here you're inviting her to tell you how shopping makes her feel; whether it's an enjoyable activity or a necessary evil.
GIRL: "Oh no I lovvve shopping, I go like every weekend."
-The next step is to find out why it makes her feel that way.
YOU: "Interesting. What is it you love so much about shopping?"
GIRL: "I don't know, I guess I just like looking at all different types of clothes and trying them on."
YOU: "Ah so you like to see what type of stuff makes you look good."
GIRL: "Yep pretty much!"
YOU: "Yeah me too actually. I've been wondering whether I look better in a button down or a polo... *ramble* "
-By digging deeper into her love for shopping, you've allowed her to reveal something about herself, given yourself the opportunity to do the same, and possibly created a point of connection. Now imagine if your response to her having gone shopping was something shallow and fact-based:
YOU: "Cool, what stores?"
HER: "Just JC Penney."
YOU: *have no opinion on JC Penney, stuck just nodding your head and thinking of something new*
The point is that the deeper you dig into one statement, the more core personality traits you'll reveal, and the more you'll connect. Depth > breadth.
When the shoe is on the other foot and she's the one asking you questions, a good technique I found is oversharing. It's simple; instead of just answering the question, throw in a bunch of related nuggets also to give her fodder to ask more questions. For example:
HER: "So where are you from originally?"
YOU: "I've lived here all my life actually. A couple years ago I considered moving down south for the better weather, but decided against it. All my family and friends are around here, and as weird as it sounds I might actually miss winter if I didn't have it anymore."
-Clearly unless the girl is a complete dud, she'll find something in that response to keep the conversation flowing. Now imagine your just answered the question and left it at that:
YOU: "I was born and raised here."
HER: "Oh cool."
YOU: *nods awkwardly*
-Like with the FEW technique, the point here is to allow her to dig deeper. Maybe she asks why you'd miss winter, and you answer you wouldn't be able to appreciate summer unless you had winter. Now instead of shallow facts, you're delving deeper into your personal beliefs. Far more engaging.
And finally, here's an original observation of mine:
3. Say what you actually think, not what you're supposed to say.
Most people aren't nearly as uptight as you think. They'd much rather hang out with someone who crosses the line every now and then as opposed to someone who's always positive and polite but boring. For example:
HER: "Did you like the party?"
YOU: "I mean the alcohol was good but most of those people were complete degenerates. I'd never hang with them during the day."
HER: "Oh my god I know right?! Did you see that one guy puking on the bathroom floor? I'm so glad you're not like that, blah blah blah"
-People have this idea that you're always supposed to be positive about everything no matter what, but god is that boring. Who's going to connect to the girl more, the guy above who gave his honest assessment, or the guy who reflexively answers "yea it was a lot of fun" because parties are supposed to be fun?
Note that "say what you think" doesn't just apply to things that are actually true; it can also be whatever stupid joke pops into your head too. For example:
HER: "Oh my god, a couple days ago I went out and forgot to leave water for my dog. He was like jumping up and down when I got back and filled his bowl!"
YOU: "Wow you'll make a terrible mother some day."
Most guys would think that joke is too personal/offensive and crossing a line. But offensive > boring. That guy will get the girl laughing much more than the supplicating beta who says what he's supposed to- "Oh poor dog! Oh well, they can survive a day without water."
That's all I got...turned out to be longer than I expected. Any other advice/insight is welcome.
Is there any kind of book which develops what you have explained in this post? When I used to be a kid I would spend hours and hours in front of my computer screen playing video games. As a result, I did not construct my "chatty face". Although I have been catching up on social skills, I still have difficulties to maintain a conversation from time to time. Above all with women since I do not have anything in common with them and I also do not give a crap about 90%of their hobbies