The other posters above had good advice for you, I would heed.
1. Be more vague about your job, to get them curious. Eliminate the "I suck at writing cover letters" bit. I know you were trying to be funny, but it's not.
2. Human flesh? No, just no. Take that out. Again, you were trying to be funny, but the key is to keep it "light".
3. On a typical Friday night, don't say you're relaxing at home (even if it's true). You don't want to come across as boring. This is the perfect place to troll. Say something so outrageous and unbelievable. Like "on a typical friday night I'm out cow tipping to piss farmers off and going on high speed car chases driving cops crazy... if you see the news about a car chase, that's probably me! Cap that off with a stargazing session with a bottle of wine, and you have my fairly typical friday night." (never actually used this, I just made it up)
1. Be more vague about your job, to get them curious. Eliminate the "I suck at writing cover letters" bit. I know you were trying to be funny, but it's not.
2. Human flesh? No, just no. Take that out. Again, you were trying to be funny, but the key is to keep it "light".
3. On a typical Friday night, don't say you're relaxing at home (even if it's true). You don't want to come across as boring. This is the perfect place to troll. Say something so outrageous and unbelievable. Like "on a typical friday night I'm out cow tipping to piss farmers off and going on high speed car chases driving cops crazy... if you see the news about a car chase, that's probably me! Cap that off with a stargazing session with a bottle of wine, and you have my fairly typical friday night." (never actually used this, I just made it up)