Medellin Christmas 2018 Data Sheet
Overall impressions
Followed Roosh's Guide as much as possible. Weather was from 60 to 80-a little hot around siesta time. Overall a great experience, had some hangups with my ATM card and ability to withdraw money which caused me great stress and distracted from approaching for a couple days. Great comradely at the hostel. Would recommend for a longer period of time as I had more prospects.
Pre-travel
Have intermediate Spanish from Middle school though have gotten very rusty – did a few Pimsleur lessons, found Pemsleur 1 to be too easy. Also, contacted girls on Colombian Cupid the last week before leaving using Roosh's template from Bang Colombia. Booked a flight to Medellin using skyscanner, ended up buying a ticket from Miami for $800. There was a flight to Bogota for just $500 but did not have time for the long bus ride. Viva Air Colombia which is undergoing re branding to VivaAir did not have online check in working, though this was unclear through their website. Customer service was unhelpful. Reserved a parking garage using Park&Travel and ended up driving for over 9 hours as Google Maps was overoptimistic in its estimates of six and a half hours. After Orlando, the roads in Florida become toll roads. Heavy traffic near Miami made me extremely nervous that I would miss my noon flight. Fortunately, arrived in time and was able to check in at the airport. Yet was nervous to make it to the gate in time that I refused to visit that ATM and the currency exchange at the airport.
On the flight itself, sat next to an IT guy who was going to visit his family for Xmas. He said that there are now high speed buses from Bogota to Medellin that only take 5 hours – wish I had known that. He says that he has a hard time with girls from Colombia and works too much to do game. He reminds me that Colombia is a third world country with first world infrastructure – we will see. Beautiful views of mountains and rivers from the plane.
Day 1: Arrival in Medellin
The Airport was rather small, the amount of tourists and Colombians was about the same – was asked if I am here for business and tourism. Right off the bat, had difficulty withdrawing money from Banco Colombia but with able to withdraw about 200 thousand Pesos using Privatebank. It was confusing for me as the peso currency symbol looks almost identical to the dollar symbol so I thought I was withdrawing a large amount in dollars rather than the relatively small amount in pesos. The exchange rate when I left was 3,000 pesos to a US Dollar. However, if you look closely, the peso symbol has 2 strikes through it while the US dollar has just one. Took a bus from the airport and we got stuck in a jam right over the city – had a beautiful view. When we arrived in the center by the Botero museum, the passengers were negotiating the price with the driver. Outside, a the streets were bustling with vendors, music and lots of holiday shoppers. Even saw a young man stealing some kind of long rod from a mall with security in hot pursuit – welcome to Medellin indeed. I pay the 50 thousand pesos for the ride and ask the man sitting next to me to help me buy a Metro card.
Saddened by the lack of Wi-Fi in the metro - Got off at Aguacatala, one stop from Poblado Followed the directions to the hostel. Daniela welcomed me to Ivy hostel - was too shy to ask her about a love hotel. Had a good time getting to know the visitors, mostly from England. A British 7 girl is with this group, but she left to go dancing with a dutch girl before I got to chatting with her. Too tired, had a couple of Colombian beers and went for some sleep.
Day 2: Out and about
0800: Had great breakfast and chatted with the other guests over coffee. The meal was usually eggs and fruit but the conversations would soon become the favorite part of my day. Asked the receptionist – Alejandro, who is a recent Venezuelan migrant (turns out Colombia has opened its Borders to over 2 million Colombian refugees and even gives them work permits!) about Love hotel but he suggested a place that is expensive. I suppose I will have to look online.The patio had a nice parody of a Botero sculpture – a fat punk girl) Went walking to Poblado around 9AM. Notice that EAFAT University is closed for the holidays, I suppose that daygame option if off limits, though the university is guarded like a military base when it is open with visitor pass terminals and all. Ask some locals for directions. It is quite an uphill walk, glad I packed the foot powder.
-All cafes were closed in Parque Lleras and as I was trying to connect to public WiFi – the local police were playing Pokemon Go.
-Visited Starbuck and was sad that the gift card that I got for Thanksgiving from my Mother did not work. The cafe was empty but the owner Juan spoke intermediate English and was helpful for pointing me towards the metro station. My plan is to approach in the metro and enjoy the beautiful views of the city from the metro cables.
Approach 1: 5.5 walking towards me, ask her where the station is, she just point me to it and walks away. (Glad I got that out of the way, but this is not home where 1 approach is enough, gotta be the approach machine)
10AM: Travel to San Antonio station by metro. Amazed by how quiet it is compared to the Moscow metro. Finally sit down and see an 8 local guy with a chubby local 3 which I found disheartening.
Approach 2: 6 sitting in nice pants and high heels with legs crossed at the San Antonia station waiting for train. I sit down next to her and ask her for directions to metro cable, she has bad English and the guy next to her eventually helps me with directions. I assumed he was her novio (bf) or brother but they later were not together and I suppose he was just try to be helpful.
11AM – Arrive at the top of the last metro cable station – Aurora. The previous one had some Colombian military guarding it. View is breathtaking, take photos. See locals making BBQ there, Remembering “Dead Bat...” I decide to be brave and eat it. Got to observation deck, get intrigued by music coming up from the barrio below. As a result, follow the stairs down. See some remnants from Day of the dead and see locals kids in Chelsea jerseys smoking weed. Make it down to a road, there is a bus stop and the entrance to the barrio.
1130- Walk into the Barrio, just like I saw from the metro cables, their distinguishing characteristic is a lot of clothes drying outside but the buildings themselves look decent. Get to a cafe, it is closed and the little girl is mopping up inside – I but some water from her. Notice that music was coming from speakers in an ordinary home. Walk back up the stairs, more weed smokers, feet getting tired as this is a workout.
12PM – Return to the little market near the Aurora metro cable station and buy some Marakuya juice with milk, sit down and observe girls exiting the station. See a 7 in a black dress and tennis shoes come out carrying a grocery bag, hesitantly put the juice down, walk up to her but chicken out at the last second and fail to say anything to her. Feel angry at myself so quickly finish the juice and follow her uphill. Her apartment is clearly on top of a hill but she goes lightning speed through the “mountain goat” pass while I take the regular path. She looks at me and starts calling on her phone, I see another girl waiting for a bus and approach her instead.
App3: Tatted 5.5@ bus stop – open her by asking about coffee shop to which she answers that coffee shops are in Centro and Poblado only. I use the “de donde vengo” bait but she does not bite. Chat about Navidad in different parts of the world, ask her where the best Xmas party is, she says in the barrio. I tease her that it is “mas temprano” for Navidad music-she laughs and am now encouraged. After 5 mins the conversation dies down and her tats are still a turn off for me but the laugh encourages me to make more approaches at the motor cable station.
App4: Isabel 7.5 with black hair, tight ass in tight pants and extremely exaggerated red lips. She is on the metro cable in front of me and I intend to open her once we are in the regular metro. Open with a directions question and it turns out we are heading the same way to her – looking forward to a lot of chatting. Bait - “de donde vengo” she bites, talk about Russia- bite, she is from Aurora. Keep chatting but do not understand when she say “trene” I assumed she meant train. Offer to teach her English after she tells me that she will be spending Xmas with her family (a common theme which I found in Colombia, including my seat mate on the flight). She blushes and smiles but ultimately refuses. Snap a photo of her as she leaves for inspiration.
1PM – Exorcism experience: As I walk out from Aguacatala station, I see a service a church service with about 30-40 attendees with chairs set up and a stage for the priest who is decked out in traditional Catholic purple garb. I recognize him saying Cristo all the time. However, the odd things began to occur as I tried my best to pray as I saw security begin to circle the worshipers. Than, I saw a man lose conscience and collapse on the floor as his neighbor caught him. As he laid on the ground, one of the security took his gold watch, and gave it to a woman who was sitting on the other side. Later, a woman collapsed as well. About 10 minutes later, the man regained conscience and sat down – only to collapse again 5 minutes later. Begin to get nervous when a security man stands behind me for 2 minutes, make my best attempt to pray. Little did I know that in a few days I will be praying as much as Colombians do.
Finally the service ends as the priest says the three ending phrases which I recognize. “En nombre del hijo, En nomber del padre y en el nombre de espiritu – Amen.” I feel a sense of relief, but than the priest starts talking about getting rid of a demon that lives inside one of us. He looks around the audience and picks out a chubby woman in a black shirt in her forties in the front row. She begins to yell as all 4 security guys (or maybe just other worshipers) surround her, grab her by the arms and legs while the priest begins to read from a special prayer book while holding on to her head. I take a couple of photos but a man next to me tells me not to film it. I seem to be drawn to the experience like a moth to a flame. This process continues for twenty minutes with no sign of ending with more passerbys stopping. I eventually walk away, shocked by the authenticity of the cultural experience.
Siesta time.
5PM: Catch up with messages on Colombian Cupid
-Contact Yuli – offer to meet @2100 at La Octavia
-Offer Monday date to another chica who answered me
-Yuli says Wednesday since she will be w/family on Xmas
6PM got to Supermarket for dinner but unable to withdraw money from both ATMs – assumed it is an ATM problem as wells Fargo has not sent me any messages. Little did I know that my card had been frozen with no hope of unfreezing for an entire business day.
8PM – Arrive at a nearly empty La Octavia to do reconnaissance for my date with Yuli. An NFL game is on, I get about 6 beers over the span of 3 hours at the bar to pass the time. Have great chat with Yuli on Whats app – make the “Sex, Drugs, and Rock'n'roll” joke when she asks me what I am doing in Colombia. Vague on when she ask me for how long, I say until I get bored. Ask her about exorcism - she says it is not common and some people take religion way too far. She says that “like you Americans say-lets be friends with benefits.” Turns out Yuli is 25 and a psychology student who also works in customer service. Text other buddies with Medellin landscapes as AT&T service is working perfectly at just $10 per day.
10PM – Octavia finally begins filling up with mostly mixed groups heading downstairs. First time in my life that I see a McDonald's style playpen in a bar! When I mention it back at the hostel, the British neighbor told me it is for adults to jump into and he hurt his leg there the other day!
11PM – Tired, decide to leave, perhaps go to a hookah bar which I saw in the morning. not enough cash on me so pay with credit card which works without issues.
Approach 5: Andrea – 7 in short white dress standing in the street. Opener where is the hookah. Her English is weak so I ask again in Spanish. As she looks it up on her phone, I ask her if she likes hookah – she says she prefers weed. I tell her that watermelon is like weed. She finds it and agrees to go with me, on the way there, I grab her hand. No hesitation.
We get to Hookah Garden lounge and it is an upstairs walk, I invite her to wrap he hand around mine like a proper gentleman, she agrees. Order G&T for me and her, toast to health (like in Russia), I start caressing her leg carefully, no hesitation on her part. When I mention that I am from the US-jokes that we should get married. Chat, she asks if I have girlfriend, tell her sad story about my Russian fiance who had her visa refused, she tells me that she has 2 kids, was divorced, and lives very far up north. After third drink, I get brave and go for the kiss, she is receptive. We switch to tequila, 2 shots and we are making out. She mentions that she has 2 little kids. Finally the hookah arrives. She is lukewarm to it as we continue kino and I get no resistance when put her hand on her panties. She says she prefers weed and mentions she needs to be home to watch her kids - ask me if I will pay for a taxi ride there – I agree, but feeling anxious.
Another 20 minutes of rubbing her and I get brave, say “te quiero” and offer to go to a love hotel. She asks if I will pay for her taxi home – I agree reluctantly. We walk out hand in hand and proceed to Hotel Lleras right down the block. She talks to the receptionist who is an elderly lady and says it is too expensive. She offers a taxi, mentioning that the drivers may have some weed.
Midnight – My Taxi horror story: I mention to her that I do not have much cash as the ATM (Cajero) near me was not working (dinero eefective) but she says that the cab can take me to a Cajero to get the money for the cab and the hotel. Full of naivete, I agree. In hindsight, this was a mistake since I am a little inebriated. Arrive at a bank and I withdraw 300 pesos again thinking it is $300. The taxi driver and his buddy are smoking weed and Andrea has a hit, we start making out on our way to De Colores (a hotel that I found online in the Center). I pay 130 to the cab driver. We head into love hotel. Surprised that it is not how I imagined it - It is like a normal room – not different from an ordinary motel. Get beers at the minibar - we do the dirty deed even though am unable to nut, get the Colombian flag. I want to keep going past the hour but she says that she is hungry. This is where I make the biggest mistake where she says she is hungry and buy her some food and than we can come back to the love hotel for round 2. Stupidly, since I still have blue balls- I agree. I pay 90 thousand pesos for for the love hotel with cash, assuming I will get more from the ATM, another mistake – now I am down to just 80 thousand pesos. The hotel orders us a taxi to an ATM and my ATM hopping journey begins as we try 10 different banks/cajeros in different places except Bank Colombia as the taxi meter after half an hour is over 300 pesos. I am fucked.
Once the situation sinks in, I consider running but my conscience tells me it is not the taxi driver's fault. I give my remaining 80 but it is not enough obviously. Andrea asks if I can pay with my watch but it is at best $15. We stop at a large bank plaza and none of the ATMs work. The security at one of the plazas is friends with the the taxi driver, he tries to help me. I try calling my Wells Fargo Bank – no answer. The security guy offers to hold my phone as collateral, until I can pay it back – but I insist that I need the phone to contact my bank. then, security guy asks if I have a job-I say no, I am a tourist. Andrea comes to me-again don't listen to women, says not to talk to them anymore and that she will call her friend to give us money. She takes my hand and puts in on her cunt leads me back to the taxi where we make out and I finger her some more. Her phone is dead and she asks if she can call from my phone – I give it to her. Taxi driver gets back and ask if I have money at the hostel, I say no. I agree that we go to the hostel and maybe they can pay my bill though I would be embarrassed and fear of having my laptop as collateral. On the way to the hostel, we see another ATM. This is a bank Sudamerico which we have not tried yet, I go to try to withdraw the money – crossing myself and praying to God – no luck, and when I walk out, the taxi is gone.
Wait a few minutes, other taxi drivers stop by but I tell them all – no dinero. Feeling stupid and naked without my phone, I nevertheless manage to walk back to the hostel in an hour long walk of shame. Feeling Blue Balls and have a hard time falling asleep. The flag is little compensation for the double loss of bank access and phone that I had on this night.
Day 3: Picking up the pieces
Wake up with a feeling of stinging sadness. Confide in hostel mates about the phone and the card. Ryan, British guy who worked in construction, says he will help me with bus money back to the airport if I do not get my card fixed. I feel so grateful yet guilty of being needy at the same time. Regret not running away.
8AM – Reception tries to call my old phone (Alejandro) but no answer unfortunately. I was not really expecting it.
0830 – Breakfast, offer a french girl that is staying at the hostel as a volunteer to buy groceries with my credit card in exchange. Discuss my lay Andrea with Ryan (he has a Colombian gf), tell her that she looked better with her clothes on)
Priority – get new phone to restore numbers and then contact Wells Fargo to unblock my card. Did not think of using Skype from my laptop which I kept in the hostel safe.
Santa Fe Mall – quite a beautiful and show-off y place.
0900 – most stores are closed. I begin to worry since it is the day before Christmas and based on my experience of everyone
App 1: 6.5 sitting with a phone, ask her if there are phone stores here, she tells me to ask security. Throw out the “de donde vengo” bait to which she answers “seguridad – no se la tienda.
0930 Buy an Iphone 6 fir $300 feeling sad just as I see an employee appear in the cheap cell phone accessories. Almost ready to slap myself. Sit downstairs at a SBUX see some 7s, drink latte and wait for the Tigo store to open.
10AM Tigo store opens and I am amazed to learn that only Colombian citizens can purchase a tigo card. Fortunately, the employees tell me about Claro, which only accepts cash. ATM card still does not work as I begin to cross myself the same way that Colombians do whenever I keep trying to withdraw cash.
1200 Return to hostel. Call Wells Fargo using my Skype laptop and a microphone I borrowed from reception. Explained situation. They unblocked card, I was able to pay my bar tab with it but when I got back to the Mall – I still could not withdraw money. Getting very sad.
Transfer phone numbers for Yuli and Yulieth. Let Yuli know that it is my Colombian number. Try calling Yulieth, the number appears to be wrong.
Approach 2: 9 with a short skirt and tall boots, she was sitting on a bench and eating but Colombians are so approachable that cannot resist trying. Know that I need to keep going despite my predicament. Use coffee shop opener, she points me to a Dunkin' Donuts and I throw the bait “de donde vengo hay Dunking Donuts en cada calle.” No signs of interest so keep doing a coffee snob ramble for a few minutes, mention Russia, than her boyfriend comes by and sits with her,
3PM – Get lunch watch some football at an Italian restaurant. Order pasta, pay with credit card. Eating Italian will become a theme as I have no appetite for all the different pastries that are sold on the streets of Medellin.
4PM Ryan lent me 20 thousand pesos to buy a phone card. Waiting forever at the Claro store to buy an 8 mil sim card. There was not a line there in the morning. Mall is beautiful and I wish that I was approaching in a better mood. There is a big robot display of the nativity scene with wise men and camels. They also have a skating rink. Try my best not to feel down.
7PM Feeling tired and end up watching the Netflix series about OJ Simpson at the motel until I pass out.
Day 4 – December 25th Xmas Miracle
9AM At breakfast finally meet another traveler from USA with the same card that I have. He used an app for it to notify security but he was in Bogota before hand. I look at it and know that I did the same exact thing through the website. He is not too interested in game – which is a common theme I noticed. Some French guys arrive, one of whom is former military and actually has a work visa to Colombia to help out a farmer – loves his weed.
10 AM Finally ATM card work so it is a proper Christmas miracle! I thank God and Jesus and the Holy Spirit and feel on top of the world. Now I know the true meaning of Xmas, having other people around you who care. Immediately pay back Ryan +30 pesos for the time value of money as he is chilling on a hammock. He tells me a story about how he was framed by the cops in Santa Marta where they planted weed on his bike and tried to extort $800 from him but he got it down to $100.
11AM go to top of my phone at Claro but Santa Fe mall is closed, it is Christmas after all.
1130 Go to the outdoor Oviendo mall instead and the only place that is open is a little Japanese style cafe called a T4. Order some Japanese Tea.
At 2PM plan to return to hostel to enjoy our guest Xmas party. Looking forward to the BBQ that was cooked the day before. Feel like a man con dinero in my pocket)
Approach 1: ask a 6.5 in a beige top if mall is closed as I am walking back to Santa Fe, she does not think so, we walk up to the entrance where the security guard is asking for Ids and she goes to talk to him
Approach 2: 6 ask about a phone store, she keeps walking as her parents are outside. Plan to try McCafe tomorrow. Notice that I am still wearing the Ivy Hostel arm band on me – must be looking lame.
1200 – Get another 300 pesos out of ATM, cross myself before hand. Reinstall Skype on my phone and chat with Aunt about the exorcism that I witnessed. Some of the other guys are planning to go see the Xmas lights on the river banks of the Medellin river. Others who were there before told me it is unimpressive. Ask receptionist Daniella if the clubs will be closed due to Xmas and she says yes. The locals are not providing me with useful information on this trip.
2PM – Enjoy the Xmas feast, for which I paid an extra 20 thousand pesos, sad that there is no meat involved which was being BBQ-ed yesterday. Guess the staff ate it) Enjoy a siesta.
7PM put on nice shoes and take metro to El Estadio. As I walk Le Setanta avenue – notice about half the clubs being open. Sit down in an outdoor bar, get a sandwich and G&T to was it down. Watch a repeat of the Real Madrid vs Liverpool Champions League final. Do not see anyone approachable and clubs are way too loud. Especially the one with loud music. Only see some 6s here and there dancing. Regret not bringing ear plugs. Decide to go back to El Poblado.
10PM Parque Lleras looks deserted...
1015 PM Approach 1: A 6.5 who is slightly chubby - I ask where I can smoke some Hookah. Shows me a nude pic of herself on phone and Google translates about “do you want a big ass girl to accompany you?” Not what I am looking for so walk away, she is persistent and follows for a little bit. I suppose the nude cell phone background is the secret signal.
1030PM Approach 2: French student in red dress, long dark hair and tennis shoes -8 sitting on a bench, ask her where the Hookah bar is. Ramble about my neighbors from France and there being many Hookah bars where I am from and in Paris. After 5 minutes of rambling, her boyfriend arrives.
11PM – Club Gusto (Me mucho gusto!)
Some employees are trying to fill up the clubs so I End up being invited to Club gusto after asking them if they serve Hookah. Security searches me. Ask me about my harmonica)
The waitress is an 8 herself yet the club and the bar are almost empty. Only the balcony is full with a big group of people. Order a watermelon hookah and G&T. Chat with cousin as I wait for bar to fill up.
1130 PM – a cute mysterious brunette a 9 arrives but appears to be very friendly with staff and almost immediately after her friend arrives. I wait for her friend to leave. A group of people from the balcony start dancing between me and the bar.
Approach 1: The friend of the 9 at the bar leaves at last and I approach immediately with drink in hand and about 3 meters away, an 8 grabs me from the dancing group and pulls me into a dancing circle. In suppose if I am going to get cock blocked, this is the best way. We dance for 2 songs as the helpful waitress brings my hookah to another table. The group is vising from Cartajena, even the older men are friendly to me. Unfortunately, the English of the 8 is not the best and after the 3rd song, goes back to the balcony as a group of men approach the 9 and her friend at the bar, chatting them up. When I get tired of dancing, sit down and observe, the conversation is going for a long time. There is a group of 3 guys and 3 girls. After about 20 minutes, one of the girls rejects a guy but my target continues talking to the man.
Approach 2 : Yolana (9) short skirt high heels. She comes and sits and the bar. Sexy revealing white top, black hair, black eyes. I go to approach her but she walks away at that moment. When she comes back from wherever she went, I motion with a finger for her to come to me. She sits down at a chair next to me. Talk about where I am from, she is impressed with Estados Unidos. She is a cosmetology student. And the second girl I meet is from Bello. We talk, order her a cocktail. Dance for about 30 minutes. Lots of grinding and kino. Go for kiss – no resistance. Make out, touch her legs, slap her ass. More drinks, more kino for another 20 minutes, I say “te quiero,” pay the bill and start walking out. In big contrast to the security at American clubs, where I go kicked out and beat up by a bouncer for slapping a girl's ass who was grinding on me, the guard after checking us on the exit - tells me to slap Yolana's ass) Go to Hotel Lleras, pay 96 thousand pesos for the motel. Bang with condom, as I enter her, I say “Feliz Navidad.”
Afterwards, she asks for taxi money and writes her number on the Hotel Lleras business card. I have no intention of calling her back. Walk back home and get approached by a prostitute, I say no thanks and return to the motel to some well earned Zzzs.
Day 5 – 26 December -In the Zone
Preparing for date at Juan Valdez Cafe en Parque Lleras at 8PM with Yuli. Feeling like the bangs are coming easy. Setting up a date with another Cupid girl named Dani.
08AM at Breakfast talk The British guys tell me they are going on a Pablo Escobar tour, I decide to join them. Turn in my laundry – will not see it for another 3 days.
1030 AM waiting forever for the tour van to arrive. Booked the tour by making a deposit through Alejandro, who would late be implicated in a theft investigation. Sitting next to me is 6.5 tourist from Rotterdam named Anna. ramble about my travels but do not seem to get any traction as she talks with her translator. Meanwhile an older guy is chatting up her friend who is a 7.
We end up visiting his old apartment, than a long trip up to the hills to the prison complex with the helipad which Pablo built for himself. Get a coffee up there. It now belongs to a church with a lot of banners that say “Dear tourists, do not believe the lies your guides tell you. This property was built by the church and the time of Escobar was a terrible time in Colombian history.” Feel weirded out how the government is trying to erase him from history. Next stop was at Envigado – the stadium that he built. The neighborhood seemed to be too low density to do much day game. The final stop is at the cemetery – meet Escobar's servant who still takes care of the grave. On the van ride, the British guys ask me if I am just chilling in the evening, I tell them that I have a hot date. We talk about girls and I explain to them that I set the date for 8PM to avoid paying for dinner. They joke that romance is dead. I tell them a little about Game and they end up calling me the Love Doctor.
At the end of the tour, we are all asked to pay 70 thousand pesos, which is surprising since Alejandro said that the tour could be added to the hostel bill. Some of the British guys don't have enough cash, I lend some to them.
1PM – return to Santa Fe mall and go to the food court to get some Italian lunch. Wait for half an hour for the food with one of those buzzing coasters. Time for a Siesta as I have a long night ahead.
3PM – Check Colombian Cupid and Whatsapp
4PM – set up a date with Dani through Whataspp for next day at 8PM also at Juan Valdez
6PM – put on a nice green shirt for date, the British guys ask me about my plans, I talk about the concept of a venue change.
7PM - Arrive in Parque Lleras: find the Juan Valdez cafe and trace the steps to La Octavia. Plan is to venue change to a hookah bar.
7.30PM. Approach 1: 6 in white pants sitting alone on a bench. Ask in Spanish what her favorite club is, “de donde vengo,” mention living in Russia, say that there are not as many gringos in Medellin as the internet would have you believe. After 7 minutes of rambling, still not sensing any interest.
8PM - Get Whatsapp message from Yuli that she is stuck in traffic – she sends me a photo to prove it. So my third girl is also from Bello up north, Ask to wait in Beer store. Disappointing that it is not a beer store in which you can drink as I heard a lot online but just a bar called a Beer Store.
8:15PM - Tease Yuli “simpre estas temprana” and scold her for not using the metro. It is very annoying as vendors try to sell me trinkets while I wait like a fool.
8:30 PM – Funny moment as I confuse girl that works at the Beer store with Yuli from the picture.
8:45 PM – Dani suddenly calls me, I pick up but it is too difficult to hear, I hang up after a minute and she writes “porgque colgas.” Order some Club Colombia beer that Yuli recommended me. Dani calling me a day before the scheduled date is certainly a yellow flag.
9PM – Yuli finally arrives, apologizes, spank her as punishment for being late. She sits right next to me and orders a beer as well. Talk to her about X-Mas with her parents, her present was rum. Talk to her about what I saw on the Pablo Escobar tour, about my other travels and 6 years in Russia – she appears interested.
10PM – Venue change to La Octavia. We sit on the bottom floor Talked about my business in Russia, the sad story of my Russian fiance who could not get a visa. We observe and laugh at the drunken people jumping into the pit. About 30 minutes in start kino and after 40 minutes – go for the kiss and get no resistance. Continue kino and Full make out in another 10 minutes.
11PM – She ask me about American girls to which I answer that I do not like them because they are “como hombres.” Then I mention that I don't like girls with tattoos because it is like a bumper sticker on a Ferrari, to which she answers that she has a tattoo. She shows me her big leaf tattoo above her right hip. Continue kissing and I offer to go to a love hotel. Walk hand in hand.
1130PM – We go to Hotel Lleras where I was last night but it is closed, before I can contemplate another taxi ride but we find a hotel right down the street called Hotel Relaxado. Cost is 92 thousand pesos an hour. Put on some mariachi music, missionary sex with condom, ends up being too small. Raw dog and pull out yet she is still paranoid that I nutted inside. I tell her not to worry as I pulled out in time.
0030AM - Venue change to another small bar. Have another round of G&Ts on me. It getting late and Yuli's has an Uber friend who offers to drive me and her home –I decide to maybe meet her again and do not feel like walking. Her friend picks us up and we rock out to “Despacito” in the car. When I return to the hostel, toast the British guys and once again go to sleep a happy man.
Day 6 – December 27- Venezuelan Connection
8 AM Approach 1 at Breakfast, a German girl – 8 in hot black pants arrives, name is Florina. Ramble with her about travels. Strangely, her Spanish is better than her English.
9 AM take the long walk to Castillo Museo. Feet are very tired after the uphill walk. The garden is nice as well as the nativity scene exhibition that is inside the museum. Cafeteria is so-so. Yuli writes me, asking how I am -send her some museum pictures.
Approach 1: Do an approach of an 8 in a red shirt near Santa Fe mall asking for directions, de donde vengo, start conversation, she looks up the route on her phone, get cock blocked by an elderly man who may or may not have been her father. He gives me directions as she goes inside the mall.
Approach 2: Ask a 7.5 brunette with very long hair, black pants and white top on the street for directions. She had headphones on and phone in hand. De donde vengo. No interest, walk on.
1200 – Go for lunch at McCafe. Buy my plane tickets to visit my Family for new year. Wait for an hour, no prospects but some Americans chatting next to me. Then a French guy with little English asks me in Google translate about good clubs – I tell him Gusto. Feel sad that he is going to have a hard time with no Spanish or English.
1PM – Siesta
3PM – Dani asks to change our date to a double date with her friend. Instead of rejecting outright, I ask her for pics of her friend – the pics are a 6. I ask some of the guys at the hostel. I say that my friend may be busy. She offers to do a lunch date tomorrow instead, I refuse. My mates make fun of me – saying “who said romance is dead.”
4PM – Dress for a long trip to the Unicentro mall near Laurales as it is a nearly 45 minute walk from the metro station yet my conscience will not let me skip Roosh's favorite day venue from Bang Colombia. Than plan on the 8PM date. As I travel by metro, Dani blows up my phone. Arrive there after the long walk (minutes) there go inside. Not as many cute girls as I saw in the Poblado malls, in fact – not that many girls at all.
Approach 1: Girl is a 7, dressed in a simple white shirt and jeans. I ask her where a phone store is to charge my card. She leads me to it, no reaction to my “de donde vengo” bait.
Approach 2: A 6.5 who I ask where I can top of my phone, she ends up finding her mother and have her tell me that I can do it inside the grocery store.
5.45 PM – Look around for girls and xmas souvenirs.
6PM See that Dani will not come to the date and offers to meet me on the 29th. I agree to get her to stop writing and sending me pics. I will already be flying back by then.
6.30PM – A guy in line at the grocery store helps me to top up my phone with 50 thousand pesos even though cashier could not understand me initially. Asks me about my impressions of Colombia.
7PM – Watch and video tape a fun Xmas performance at a mall. Neglect an 7.5 in a white top walking around shopping as I want to finish video taping.
Approach 3 – 7.5 ask for a nice coffee shop. She says that she does not know, no response to “de donde vengo.” She walks off.
8:30 PM – enjoy and Italian dinner with soup and red wine at the Unicentro food court.
La Setanta Avenue Otra Vez
10PM – Approach 4 – Carla. See an 8 walking in a short tank top and jeans down the Setanta avenue, cannot avoid approaching her. Follow her on other side, cross street and approach, ask her about where Cantina la 70 is (I walked by it before). She helps me “find it.” I find out that she is from Venezuela and is selling pens along with her brother, I ask her if she is bored, she says yes. I offer to pay her for drinks if she comes to bar with me. She says she will not sleep with me, I say no problema. The bar ends up being empty and is playing cheesy old mariachi music. I buy a couple pens from her – they turn out to be pens that can be used for smartphones. Chat for 20 minutes, she is from Caracas, 24 and been in Medellin for 2 months. Venezuelan pronunciation is hard. put my hand on her leg – she removes it. After about 3 drinks, she goes to see her brother.
When I meet her brother, I try to shake his hand but he cringes and kneels in pain. Turns out that the Venezuelan police had beaten him up really bad during the protest to the last year's election. He even shows some little spikes that they put in his hand when they were interrogating him. I feel sad for him. Buy some magnets and Colombian wrist bands from him. We go to one of the many loud dance clubs on Setanta whose name I cannot recall but it was very lively and extremely loud.
In the Club, Carla teaches me some salsa. Eventually warms up and starts dirty dancing and grinding against me as her brother is trying to sell me some cologne. After some more grinding – I go for the kiss, she turns her cheek. Later she say that she needs to get home and offers to hang out tomorrow. I concur and get her number.
Wisely, I use Uber to get myself and the Venezuelans home. In the past, my uber did not work on the Samsung phone but worked perfectly on the I-phone.
Day 7 – December 28th (Last full day)
8 AM, the German girl Florina is dressed in shirt skirt for breakfast this time. Damn, I really want her now. Ramble about few places in Medellin to buy souvenirs. She offers to go shopping for souvenirs in El Centro tomorrow morning. Too bad I got to be at the airport but do not tell this to her. Tell her about my night in La setanta Carrera – she seems excited and wants to go dancing with me. Set up date with her for 5PM as during the day she plans to go on a guided neighborhood tour during the day.
9AM – Police arrive to arrest Alejandro – the Venezuelan receptionist. The manager asks how many people were on the Escobar tour, I first say 3 but then remember there were 5 (a British couple that had gone paragliding). Turns out Alejandro was pocketing the commissions that the tour company paid to the hotel. He said that he did not mind him stealing from the hostel – but stealing from the customers was a red line and there were security camera videos of him pocketing money. Police take the ex-receptionist away in handcuffs to be deported. Talk with manager about life in Colombia. I share my story of the Colombian Army shaking down a strip club in Bogota. He tells me registering a business is easy and offers a free stay if I volunteer at the hostel on my next visit.
1PM – Siesta
2PM – Yuli writes to me asking to buy her some food. I offer instead to buy her some food so we can cook dinner together at her place. I know it is probably a dump but excited to see a barrio. However, would certainly prefer Florina but remember Roosh's maxim about always going with the guaranteed lay when faced with a decision.
As I hang out with the others, regret not getting Florina's number but she is a likely flake anyway.
0530PM – See Florina sitting inside hostel talking to another guy and holding her phone. No surprise there, glad that the decision to go to Yuli's place will be easy. I just hope that I do not have to wait for her. Little did I know. I offer Yuli to meet her at 1900 but she says that she is delayed at work till 2100 at Bello station. I hang out with the guys and leave around 1930. Arrive at Bello Station at 2105 and end up waiting for an hour! So annoyed. Check out the outside, lots of aggressive vendors. Buy a water in a packet to drink.
10PM – Turns out it was not just me who got annoyed with the waiting as a Security lady at Bello station tells me I am waiting for too long. Fortunately, she helped translate her messages that Ciel meant “Honey” and not “sky.” Eventually go outside and wait for her to arrive by car. Get a call from the Venezuelan girl who wants to meet up on Setanta carrera, I tell her that I am busy though do feel tempted to tell Yuli to fuck off at this point. Eventually Yuli arrives and the car takes us to her place. It is truly a dump with no lights in the halls and pieces of the wall falling off. I slap her ass as punishment for being late, she says she also works in customer service for an airline and her boss made her stay late. She lives together with her cousin-the place was truly a dump. To my astonishment, She takes a pregnancy test – negative, I joke that I wanted a son to play soccer with) We have some rum, dance, and do our business in her cousin's bed. Afterwards, she says that she really wants to buy her own bed. No hot water in the shower.
Midnight - Her uber friend (who also seems to like me though is a chubby 4) picks me up. As I drive back, see that there are lots of imrpov street parties happening in the barrio. Yuli says that she is not a demanding person (Google translate) and asks me for some money to buy a help her buy a new bed. This is getting annoying as by friends with benefits, she means a sponsor. I tell her I do not have money. She calls my bluff and offers to stop by a Cajero. To my astonishment-the Wells Fargo card was frozen again. Try another ATM-same thing. Cannot believe it -but fortunately I call online security and they ask me to verify transactions, after which the card is unblocked, withdraw 300 in order to pay for the ride to the airport. I give Yuli a hundred thousand pesos and she looks disappointed. She asks if I can give her more and that repeats that she is not a demanding person). I say maybe next time. She was sad when I told her later that I am back in the States.
Get back to hostel and order a taxi to the airport at 3 in the morning the next day. There I meet a 60 year old man from New York who just married a Colombian 23 year old and had a daughter with her. He tells me that the US is just a place to make money but South America is the place to spend it. No arguments from me.
Overall impressions
Followed Roosh's Guide as much as possible. Weather was from 60 to 80-a little hot around siesta time. Overall a great experience, had some hangups with my ATM card and ability to withdraw money which caused me great stress and distracted from approaching for a couple days. Great comradely at the hostel. Would recommend for a longer period of time as I had more prospects.
Pre-travel
Have intermediate Spanish from Middle school though have gotten very rusty – did a few Pimsleur lessons, found Pemsleur 1 to be too easy. Also, contacted girls on Colombian Cupid the last week before leaving using Roosh's template from Bang Colombia. Booked a flight to Medellin using skyscanner, ended up buying a ticket from Miami for $800. There was a flight to Bogota for just $500 but did not have time for the long bus ride. Viva Air Colombia which is undergoing re branding to VivaAir did not have online check in working, though this was unclear through their website. Customer service was unhelpful. Reserved a parking garage using Park&Travel and ended up driving for over 9 hours as Google Maps was overoptimistic in its estimates of six and a half hours. After Orlando, the roads in Florida become toll roads. Heavy traffic near Miami made me extremely nervous that I would miss my noon flight. Fortunately, arrived in time and was able to check in at the airport. Yet was nervous to make it to the gate in time that I refused to visit that ATM and the currency exchange at the airport.
On the flight itself, sat next to an IT guy who was going to visit his family for Xmas. He said that there are now high speed buses from Bogota to Medellin that only take 5 hours – wish I had known that. He says that he has a hard time with girls from Colombia and works too much to do game. He reminds me that Colombia is a third world country with first world infrastructure – we will see. Beautiful views of mountains and rivers from the plane.
Day 1: Arrival in Medellin
The Airport was rather small, the amount of tourists and Colombians was about the same – was asked if I am here for business and tourism. Right off the bat, had difficulty withdrawing money from Banco Colombia but with able to withdraw about 200 thousand Pesos using Privatebank. It was confusing for me as the peso currency symbol looks almost identical to the dollar symbol so I thought I was withdrawing a large amount in dollars rather than the relatively small amount in pesos. The exchange rate when I left was 3,000 pesos to a US Dollar. However, if you look closely, the peso symbol has 2 strikes through it while the US dollar has just one. Took a bus from the airport and we got stuck in a jam right over the city – had a beautiful view. When we arrived in the center by the Botero museum, the passengers were negotiating the price with the driver. Outside, a the streets were bustling with vendors, music and lots of holiday shoppers. Even saw a young man stealing some kind of long rod from a mall with security in hot pursuit – welcome to Medellin indeed. I pay the 50 thousand pesos for the ride and ask the man sitting next to me to help me buy a Metro card.
Saddened by the lack of Wi-Fi in the metro - Got off at Aguacatala, one stop from Poblado Followed the directions to the hostel. Daniela welcomed me to Ivy hostel - was too shy to ask her about a love hotel. Had a good time getting to know the visitors, mostly from England. A British 7 girl is with this group, but she left to go dancing with a dutch girl before I got to chatting with her. Too tired, had a couple of Colombian beers and went for some sleep.
Day 2: Out and about
0800: Had great breakfast and chatted with the other guests over coffee. The meal was usually eggs and fruit but the conversations would soon become the favorite part of my day. Asked the receptionist – Alejandro, who is a recent Venezuelan migrant (turns out Colombia has opened its Borders to over 2 million Colombian refugees and even gives them work permits!) about Love hotel but he suggested a place that is expensive. I suppose I will have to look online.The patio had a nice parody of a Botero sculpture – a fat punk girl) Went walking to Poblado around 9AM. Notice that EAFAT University is closed for the holidays, I suppose that daygame option if off limits, though the university is guarded like a military base when it is open with visitor pass terminals and all. Ask some locals for directions. It is quite an uphill walk, glad I packed the foot powder.
-All cafes were closed in Parque Lleras and as I was trying to connect to public WiFi – the local police were playing Pokemon Go.
-Visited Starbuck and was sad that the gift card that I got for Thanksgiving from my Mother did not work. The cafe was empty but the owner Juan spoke intermediate English and was helpful for pointing me towards the metro station. My plan is to approach in the metro and enjoy the beautiful views of the city from the metro cables.
Approach 1: 5.5 walking towards me, ask her where the station is, she just point me to it and walks away. (Glad I got that out of the way, but this is not home where 1 approach is enough, gotta be the approach machine)
10AM: Travel to San Antonio station by metro. Amazed by how quiet it is compared to the Moscow metro. Finally sit down and see an 8 local guy with a chubby local 3 which I found disheartening.
Approach 2: 6 sitting in nice pants and high heels with legs crossed at the San Antonia station waiting for train. I sit down next to her and ask her for directions to metro cable, she has bad English and the guy next to her eventually helps me with directions. I assumed he was her novio (bf) or brother but they later were not together and I suppose he was just try to be helpful.
11AM – Arrive at the top of the last metro cable station – Aurora. The previous one had some Colombian military guarding it. View is breathtaking, take photos. See locals making BBQ there, Remembering “Dead Bat...” I decide to be brave and eat it. Got to observation deck, get intrigued by music coming up from the barrio below. As a result, follow the stairs down. See some remnants from Day of the dead and see locals kids in Chelsea jerseys smoking weed. Make it down to a road, there is a bus stop and the entrance to the barrio.
1130- Walk into the Barrio, just like I saw from the metro cables, their distinguishing characteristic is a lot of clothes drying outside but the buildings themselves look decent. Get to a cafe, it is closed and the little girl is mopping up inside – I but some water from her. Notice that music was coming from speakers in an ordinary home. Walk back up the stairs, more weed smokers, feet getting tired as this is a workout.
12PM – Return to the little market near the Aurora metro cable station and buy some Marakuya juice with milk, sit down and observe girls exiting the station. See a 7 in a black dress and tennis shoes come out carrying a grocery bag, hesitantly put the juice down, walk up to her but chicken out at the last second and fail to say anything to her. Feel angry at myself so quickly finish the juice and follow her uphill. Her apartment is clearly on top of a hill but she goes lightning speed through the “mountain goat” pass while I take the regular path. She looks at me and starts calling on her phone, I see another girl waiting for a bus and approach her instead.
App3: Tatted 5.5@ bus stop – open her by asking about coffee shop to which she answers that coffee shops are in Centro and Poblado only. I use the “de donde vengo” bait but she does not bite. Chat about Navidad in different parts of the world, ask her where the best Xmas party is, she says in the barrio. I tease her that it is “mas temprano” for Navidad music-she laughs and am now encouraged. After 5 mins the conversation dies down and her tats are still a turn off for me but the laugh encourages me to make more approaches at the motor cable station.
App4: Isabel 7.5 with black hair, tight ass in tight pants and extremely exaggerated red lips. She is on the metro cable in front of me and I intend to open her once we are in the regular metro. Open with a directions question and it turns out we are heading the same way to her – looking forward to a lot of chatting. Bait - “de donde vengo” she bites, talk about Russia- bite, she is from Aurora. Keep chatting but do not understand when she say “trene” I assumed she meant train. Offer to teach her English after she tells me that she will be spending Xmas with her family (a common theme which I found in Colombia, including my seat mate on the flight). She blushes and smiles but ultimately refuses. Snap a photo of her as she leaves for inspiration.
1PM – Exorcism experience: As I walk out from Aguacatala station, I see a service a church service with about 30-40 attendees with chairs set up and a stage for the priest who is decked out in traditional Catholic purple garb. I recognize him saying Cristo all the time. However, the odd things began to occur as I tried my best to pray as I saw security begin to circle the worshipers. Than, I saw a man lose conscience and collapse on the floor as his neighbor caught him. As he laid on the ground, one of the security took his gold watch, and gave it to a woman who was sitting on the other side. Later, a woman collapsed as well. About 10 minutes later, the man regained conscience and sat down – only to collapse again 5 minutes later. Begin to get nervous when a security man stands behind me for 2 minutes, make my best attempt to pray. Little did I know that in a few days I will be praying as much as Colombians do.
Finally the service ends as the priest says the three ending phrases which I recognize. “En nombre del hijo, En nomber del padre y en el nombre de espiritu – Amen.” I feel a sense of relief, but than the priest starts talking about getting rid of a demon that lives inside one of us. He looks around the audience and picks out a chubby woman in a black shirt in her forties in the front row. She begins to yell as all 4 security guys (or maybe just other worshipers) surround her, grab her by the arms and legs while the priest begins to read from a special prayer book while holding on to her head. I take a couple of photos but a man next to me tells me not to film it. I seem to be drawn to the experience like a moth to a flame. This process continues for twenty minutes with no sign of ending with more passerbys stopping. I eventually walk away, shocked by the authenticity of the cultural experience.
Siesta time.
5PM: Catch up with messages on Colombian Cupid
-Contact Yuli – offer to meet @2100 at La Octavia
-Offer Monday date to another chica who answered me
-Yuli says Wednesday since she will be w/family on Xmas
6PM got to Supermarket for dinner but unable to withdraw money from both ATMs – assumed it is an ATM problem as wells Fargo has not sent me any messages. Little did I know that my card had been frozen with no hope of unfreezing for an entire business day.
8PM – Arrive at a nearly empty La Octavia to do reconnaissance for my date with Yuli. An NFL game is on, I get about 6 beers over the span of 3 hours at the bar to pass the time. Have great chat with Yuli on Whats app – make the “Sex, Drugs, and Rock'n'roll” joke when she asks me what I am doing in Colombia. Vague on when she ask me for how long, I say until I get bored. Ask her about exorcism - she says it is not common and some people take religion way too far. She says that “like you Americans say-lets be friends with benefits.” Turns out Yuli is 25 and a psychology student who also works in customer service. Text other buddies with Medellin landscapes as AT&T service is working perfectly at just $10 per day.
10PM – Octavia finally begins filling up with mostly mixed groups heading downstairs. First time in my life that I see a McDonald's style playpen in a bar! When I mention it back at the hostel, the British neighbor told me it is for adults to jump into and he hurt his leg there the other day!
11PM – Tired, decide to leave, perhaps go to a hookah bar which I saw in the morning. not enough cash on me so pay with credit card which works without issues.
Approach 5: Andrea – 7 in short white dress standing in the street. Opener where is the hookah. Her English is weak so I ask again in Spanish. As she looks it up on her phone, I ask her if she likes hookah – she says she prefers weed. I tell her that watermelon is like weed. She finds it and agrees to go with me, on the way there, I grab her hand. No hesitation.
We get to Hookah Garden lounge and it is an upstairs walk, I invite her to wrap he hand around mine like a proper gentleman, she agrees. Order G&T for me and her, toast to health (like in Russia), I start caressing her leg carefully, no hesitation on her part. When I mention that I am from the US-jokes that we should get married. Chat, she asks if I have girlfriend, tell her sad story about my Russian fiance who had her visa refused, she tells me that she has 2 kids, was divorced, and lives very far up north. After third drink, I get brave and go for the kiss, she is receptive. We switch to tequila, 2 shots and we are making out. She mentions that she has 2 little kids. Finally the hookah arrives. She is lukewarm to it as we continue kino and I get no resistance when put her hand on her panties. She says she prefers weed and mentions she needs to be home to watch her kids - ask me if I will pay for a taxi ride there – I agree, but feeling anxious.
Another 20 minutes of rubbing her and I get brave, say “te quiero” and offer to go to a love hotel. She asks if I will pay for her taxi home – I agree reluctantly. We walk out hand in hand and proceed to Hotel Lleras right down the block. She talks to the receptionist who is an elderly lady and says it is too expensive. She offers a taxi, mentioning that the drivers may have some weed.
Midnight – My Taxi horror story: I mention to her that I do not have much cash as the ATM (Cajero) near me was not working (dinero eefective) but she says that the cab can take me to a Cajero to get the money for the cab and the hotel. Full of naivete, I agree. In hindsight, this was a mistake since I am a little inebriated. Arrive at a bank and I withdraw 300 pesos again thinking it is $300. The taxi driver and his buddy are smoking weed and Andrea has a hit, we start making out on our way to De Colores (a hotel that I found online in the Center). I pay 130 to the cab driver. We head into love hotel. Surprised that it is not how I imagined it - It is like a normal room – not different from an ordinary motel. Get beers at the minibar - we do the dirty deed even though am unable to nut, get the Colombian flag. I want to keep going past the hour but she says that she is hungry. This is where I make the biggest mistake where she says she is hungry and buy her some food and than we can come back to the love hotel for round 2. Stupidly, since I still have blue balls- I agree. I pay 90 thousand pesos for for the love hotel with cash, assuming I will get more from the ATM, another mistake – now I am down to just 80 thousand pesos. The hotel orders us a taxi to an ATM and my ATM hopping journey begins as we try 10 different banks/cajeros in different places except Bank Colombia as the taxi meter after half an hour is over 300 pesos. I am fucked.
Once the situation sinks in, I consider running but my conscience tells me it is not the taxi driver's fault. I give my remaining 80 but it is not enough obviously. Andrea asks if I can pay with my watch but it is at best $15. We stop at a large bank plaza and none of the ATMs work. The security at one of the plazas is friends with the the taxi driver, he tries to help me. I try calling my Wells Fargo Bank – no answer. The security guy offers to hold my phone as collateral, until I can pay it back – but I insist that I need the phone to contact my bank. then, security guy asks if I have a job-I say no, I am a tourist. Andrea comes to me-again don't listen to women, says not to talk to them anymore and that she will call her friend to give us money. She takes my hand and puts in on her cunt leads me back to the taxi where we make out and I finger her some more. Her phone is dead and she asks if she can call from my phone – I give it to her. Taxi driver gets back and ask if I have money at the hostel, I say no. I agree that we go to the hostel and maybe they can pay my bill though I would be embarrassed and fear of having my laptop as collateral. On the way to the hostel, we see another ATM. This is a bank Sudamerico which we have not tried yet, I go to try to withdraw the money – crossing myself and praying to God – no luck, and when I walk out, the taxi is gone.
Wait a few minutes, other taxi drivers stop by but I tell them all – no dinero. Feeling stupid and naked without my phone, I nevertheless manage to walk back to the hostel in an hour long walk of shame. Feeling Blue Balls and have a hard time falling asleep. The flag is little compensation for the double loss of bank access and phone that I had on this night.
Day 3: Picking up the pieces
Wake up with a feeling of stinging sadness. Confide in hostel mates about the phone and the card. Ryan, British guy who worked in construction, says he will help me with bus money back to the airport if I do not get my card fixed. I feel so grateful yet guilty of being needy at the same time. Regret not running away.
8AM – Reception tries to call my old phone (Alejandro) but no answer unfortunately. I was not really expecting it.
0830 – Breakfast, offer a french girl that is staying at the hostel as a volunteer to buy groceries with my credit card in exchange. Discuss my lay Andrea with Ryan (he has a Colombian gf), tell her that she looked better with her clothes on)
Priority – get new phone to restore numbers and then contact Wells Fargo to unblock my card. Did not think of using Skype from my laptop which I kept in the hostel safe.
Santa Fe Mall – quite a beautiful and show-off y place.
0900 – most stores are closed. I begin to worry since it is the day before Christmas and based on my experience of everyone
App 1: 6.5 sitting with a phone, ask her if there are phone stores here, she tells me to ask security. Throw out the “de donde vengo” bait to which she answers “seguridad – no se la tienda.
0930 Buy an Iphone 6 fir $300 feeling sad just as I see an employee appear in the cheap cell phone accessories. Almost ready to slap myself. Sit downstairs at a SBUX see some 7s, drink latte and wait for the Tigo store to open.
10AM Tigo store opens and I am amazed to learn that only Colombian citizens can purchase a tigo card. Fortunately, the employees tell me about Claro, which only accepts cash. ATM card still does not work as I begin to cross myself the same way that Colombians do whenever I keep trying to withdraw cash.
1200 Return to hostel. Call Wells Fargo using my Skype laptop and a microphone I borrowed from reception. Explained situation. They unblocked card, I was able to pay my bar tab with it but when I got back to the Mall – I still could not withdraw money. Getting very sad.
Transfer phone numbers for Yuli and Yulieth. Let Yuli know that it is my Colombian number. Try calling Yulieth, the number appears to be wrong.
Approach 2: 9 with a short skirt and tall boots, she was sitting on a bench and eating but Colombians are so approachable that cannot resist trying. Know that I need to keep going despite my predicament. Use coffee shop opener, she points me to a Dunkin' Donuts and I throw the bait “de donde vengo hay Dunking Donuts en cada calle.” No signs of interest so keep doing a coffee snob ramble for a few minutes, mention Russia, than her boyfriend comes by and sits with her,
3PM – Get lunch watch some football at an Italian restaurant. Order pasta, pay with credit card. Eating Italian will become a theme as I have no appetite for all the different pastries that are sold on the streets of Medellin.
4PM Ryan lent me 20 thousand pesos to buy a phone card. Waiting forever at the Claro store to buy an 8 mil sim card. There was not a line there in the morning. Mall is beautiful and I wish that I was approaching in a better mood. There is a big robot display of the nativity scene with wise men and camels. They also have a skating rink. Try my best not to feel down.
7PM Feeling tired and end up watching the Netflix series about OJ Simpson at the motel until I pass out.
Day 4 – December 25th Xmas Miracle
9AM At breakfast finally meet another traveler from USA with the same card that I have. He used an app for it to notify security but he was in Bogota before hand. I look at it and know that I did the same exact thing through the website. He is not too interested in game – which is a common theme I noticed. Some French guys arrive, one of whom is former military and actually has a work visa to Colombia to help out a farmer – loves his weed.
10 AM Finally ATM card work so it is a proper Christmas miracle! I thank God and Jesus and the Holy Spirit and feel on top of the world. Now I know the true meaning of Xmas, having other people around you who care. Immediately pay back Ryan +30 pesos for the time value of money as he is chilling on a hammock. He tells me a story about how he was framed by the cops in Santa Marta where they planted weed on his bike and tried to extort $800 from him but he got it down to $100.
11AM go to top of my phone at Claro but Santa Fe mall is closed, it is Christmas after all.
1130 Go to the outdoor Oviendo mall instead and the only place that is open is a little Japanese style cafe called a T4. Order some Japanese Tea.
At 2PM plan to return to hostel to enjoy our guest Xmas party. Looking forward to the BBQ that was cooked the day before. Feel like a man con dinero in my pocket)
Approach 1: ask a 6.5 in a beige top if mall is closed as I am walking back to Santa Fe, she does not think so, we walk up to the entrance where the security guard is asking for Ids and she goes to talk to him
Approach 2: 6 ask about a phone store, she keeps walking as her parents are outside. Plan to try McCafe tomorrow. Notice that I am still wearing the Ivy Hostel arm band on me – must be looking lame.
1200 – Get another 300 pesos out of ATM, cross myself before hand. Reinstall Skype on my phone and chat with Aunt about the exorcism that I witnessed. Some of the other guys are planning to go see the Xmas lights on the river banks of the Medellin river. Others who were there before told me it is unimpressive. Ask receptionist Daniella if the clubs will be closed due to Xmas and she says yes. The locals are not providing me with useful information on this trip.
2PM – Enjoy the Xmas feast, for which I paid an extra 20 thousand pesos, sad that there is no meat involved which was being BBQ-ed yesterday. Guess the staff ate it) Enjoy a siesta.
7PM put on nice shoes and take metro to El Estadio. As I walk Le Setanta avenue – notice about half the clubs being open. Sit down in an outdoor bar, get a sandwich and G&T to was it down. Watch a repeat of the Real Madrid vs Liverpool Champions League final. Do not see anyone approachable and clubs are way too loud. Especially the one with loud music. Only see some 6s here and there dancing. Regret not bringing ear plugs. Decide to go back to El Poblado.
10PM Parque Lleras looks deserted...
1015 PM Approach 1: A 6.5 who is slightly chubby - I ask where I can smoke some Hookah. Shows me a nude pic of herself on phone and Google translates about “do you want a big ass girl to accompany you?” Not what I am looking for so walk away, she is persistent and follows for a little bit. I suppose the nude cell phone background is the secret signal.
1030PM Approach 2: French student in red dress, long dark hair and tennis shoes -8 sitting on a bench, ask her where the Hookah bar is. Ramble about my neighbors from France and there being many Hookah bars where I am from and in Paris. After 5 minutes of rambling, her boyfriend arrives.
11PM – Club Gusto (Me mucho gusto!)
Some employees are trying to fill up the clubs so I End up being invited to Club gusto after asking them if they serve Hookah. Security searches me. Ask me about my harmonica)
The waitress is an 8 herself yet the club and the bar are almost empty. Only the balcony is full with a big group of people. Order a watermelon hookah and G&T. Chat with cousin as I wait for bar to fill up.
1130 PM – a cute mysterious brunette a 9 arrives but appears to be very friendly with staff and almost immediately after her friend arrives. I wait for her friend to leave. A group of people from the balcony start dancing between me and the bar.
Approach 1: The friend of the 9 at the bar leaves at last and I approach immediately with drink in hand and about 3 meters away, an 8 grabs me from the dancing group and pulls me into a dancing circle. In suppose if I am going to get cock blocked, this is the best way. We dance for 2 songs as the helpful waitress brings my hookah to another table. The group is vising from Cartajena, even the older men are friendly to me. Unfortunately, the English of the 8 is not the best and after the 3rd song, goes back to the balcony as a group of men approach the 9 and her friend at the bar, chatting them up. When I get tired of dancing, sit down and observe, the conversation is going for a long time. There is a group of 3 guys and 3 girls. After about 20 minutes, one of the girls rejects a guy but my target continues talking to the man.
Approach 2 : Yolana (9) short skirt high heels. She comes and sits and the bar. Sexy revealing white top, black hair, black eyes. I go to approach her but she walks away at that moment. When she comes back from wherever she went, I motion with a finger for her to come to me. She sits down at a chair next to me. Talk about where I am from, she is impressed with Estados Unidos. She is a cosmetology student. And the second girl I meet is from Bello. We talk, order her a cocktail. Dance for about 30 minutes. Lots of grinding and kino. Go for kiss – no resistance. Make out, touch her legs, slap her ass. More drinks, more kino for another 20 minutes, I say “te quiero,” pay the bill and start walking out. In big contrast to the security at American clubs, where I go kicked out and beat up by a bouncer for slapping a girl's ass who was grinding on me, the guard after checking us on the exit - tells me to slap Yolana's ass) Go to Hotel Lleras, pay 96 thousand pesos for the motel. Bang with condom, as I enter her, I say “Feliz Navidad.”
Afterwards, she asks for taxi money and writes her number on the Hotel Lleras business card. I have no intention of calling her back. Walk back home and get approached by a prostitute, I say no thanks and return to the motel to some well earned Zzzs.
Day 5 – 26 December -In the Zone
Preparing for date at Juan Valdez Cafe en Parque Lleras at 8PM with Yuli. Feeling like the bangs are coming easy. Setting up a date with another Cupid girl named Dani.
08AM at Breakfast talk The British guys tell me they are going on a Pablo Escobar tour, I decide to join them. Turn in my laundry – will not see it for another 3 days.
1030 AM waiting forever for the tour van to arrive. Booked the tour by making a deposit through Alejandro, who would late be implicated in a theft investigation. Sitting next to me is 6.5 tourist from Rotterdam named Anna. ramble about my travels but do not seem to get any traction as she talks with her translator. Meanwhile an older guy is chatting up her friend who is a 7.
We end up visiting his old apartment, than a long trip up to the hills to the prison complex with the helipad which Pablo built for himself. Get a coffee up there. It now belongs to a church with a lot of banners that say “Dear tourists, do not believe the lies your guides tell you. This property was built by the church and the time of Escobar was a terrible time in Colombian history.” Feel weirded out how the government is trying to erase him from history. Next stop was at Envigado – the stadium that he built. The neighborhood seemed to be too low density to do much day game. The final stop is at the cemetery – meet Escobar's servant who still takes care of the grave. On the van ride, the British guys ask me if I am just chilling in the evening, I tell them that I have a hot date. We talk about girls and I explain to them that I set the date for 8PM to avoid paying for dinner. They joke that romance is dead. I tell them a little about Game and they end up calling me the Love Doctor.
At the end of the tour, we are all asked to pay 70 thousand pesos, which is surprising since Alejandro said that the tour could be added to the hostel bill. Some of the British guys don't have enough cash, I lend some to them.
1PM – return to Santa Fe mall and go to the food court to get some Italian lunch. Wait for half an hour for the food with one of those buzzing coasters. Time for a Siesta as I have a long night ahead.
3PM – Check Colombian Cupid and Whatsapp
4PM – set up a date with Dani through Whataspp for next day at 8PM also at Juan Valdez
6PM – put on a nice green shirt for date, the British guys ask me about my plans, I talk about the concept of a venue change.
7PM - Arrive in Parque Lleras: find the Juan Valdez cafe and trace the steps to La Octavia. Plan is to venue change to a hookah bar.
7.30PM. Approach 1: 6 in white pants sitting alone on a bench. Ask in Spanish what her favorite club is, “de donde vengo,” mention living in Russia, say that there are not as many gringos in Medellin as the internet would have you believe. After 7 minutes of rambling, still not sensing any interest.
8PM - Get Whatsapp message from Yuli that she is stuck in traffic – she sends me a photo to prove it. So my third girl is also from Bello up north, Ask to wait in Beer store. Disappointing that it is not a beer store in which you can drink as I heard a lot online but just a bar called a Beer Store.
8:15PM - Tease Yuli “simpre estas temprana” and scold her for not using the metro. It is very annoying as vendors try to sell me trinkets while I wait like a fool.
8:30 PM – Funny moment as I confuse girl that works at the Beer store with Yuli from the picture.
8:45 PM – Dani suddenly calls me, I pick up but it is too difficult to hear, I hang up after a minute and she writes “porgque colgas.” Order some Club Colombia beer that Yuli recommended me. Dani calling me a day before the scheduled date is certainly a yellow flag.
9PM – Yuli finally arrives, apologizes, spank her as punishment for being late. She sits right next to me and orders a beer as well. Talk to her about X-Mas with her parents, her present was rum. Talk to her about what I saw on the Pablo Escobar tour, about my other travels and 6 years in Russia – she appears interested.
10PM – Venue change to La Octavia. We sit on the bottom floor Talked about my business in Russia, the sad story of my Russian fiance who could not get a visa. We observe and laugh at the drunken people jumping into the pit. About 30 minutes in start kino and after 40 minutes – go for the kiss and get no resistance. Continue kino and Full make out in another 10 minutes.
11PM – She ask me about American girls to which I answer that I do not like them because they are “como hombres.” Then I mention that I don't like girls with tattoos because it is like a bumper sticker on a Ferrari, to which she answers that she has a tattoo. She shows me her big leaf tattoo above her right hip. Continue kissing and I offer to go to a love hotel. Walk hand in hand.
1130PM – We go to Hotel Lleras where I was last night but it is closed, before I can contemplate another taxi ride but we find a hotel right down the street called Hotel Relaxado. Cost is 92 thousand pesos an hour. Put on some mariachi music, missionary sex with condom, ends up being too small. Raw dog and pull out yet she is still paranoid that I nutted inside. I tell her not to worry as I pulled out in time.
0030AM - Venue change to another small bar. Have another round of G&Ts on me. It getting late and Yuli's has an Uber friend who offers to drive me and her home –I decide to maybe meet her again and do not feel like walking. Her friend picks us up and we rock out to “Despacito” in the car. When I return to the hostel, toast the British guys and once again go to sleep a happy man.
Day 6 – December 27- Venezuelan Connection
8 AM Approach 1 at Breakfast, a German girl – 8 in hot black pants arrives, name is Florina. Ramble with her about travels. Strangely, her Spanish is better than her English.
9 AM take the long walk to Castillo Museo. Feet are very tired after the uphill walk. The garden is nice as well as the nativity scene exhibition that is inside the museum. Cafeteria is so-so. Yuli writes me, asking how I am -send her some museum pictures.
Approach 1: Do an approach of an 8 in a red shirt near Santa Fe mall asking for directions, de donde vengo, start conversation, she looks up the route on her phone, get cock blocked by an elderly man who may or may not have been her father. He gives me directions as she goes inside the mall.
Approach 2: Ask a 7.5 brunette with very long hair, black pants and white top on the street for directions. She had headphones on and phone in hand. De donde vengo. No interest, walk on.
1200 – Go for lunch at McCafe. Buy my plane tickets to visit my Family for new year. Wait for an hour, no prospects but some Americans chatting next to me. Then a French guy with little English asks me in Google translate about good clubs – I tell him Gusto. Feel sad that he is going to have a hard time with no Spanish or English.
1PM – Siesta
3PM – Dani asks to change our date to a double date with her friend. Instead of rejecting outright, I ask her for pics of her friend – the pics are a 6. I ask some of the guys at the hostel. I say that my friend may be busy. She offers to do a lunch date tomorrow instead, I refuse. My mates make fun of me – saying “who said romance is dead.”
4PM – Dress for a long trip to the Unicentro mall near Laurales as it is a nearly 45 minute walk from the metro station yet my conscience will not let me skip Roosh's favorite day venue from Bang Colombia. Than plan on the 8PM date. As I travel by metro, Dani blows up my phone. Arrive there after the long walk (minutes) there go inside. Not as many cute girls as I saw in the Poblado malls, in fact – not that many girls at all.
Approach 1: Girl is a 7, dressed in a simple white shirt and jeans. I ask her where a phone store is to charge my card. She leads me to it, no reaction to my “de donde vengo” bait.
Approach 2: A 6.5 who I ask where I can top of my phone, she ends up finding her mother and have her tell me that I can do it inside the grocery store.
5.45 PM – Look around for girls and xmas souvenirs.
6PM See that Dani will not come to the date and offers to meet me on the 29th. I agree to get her to stop writing and sending me pics. I will already be flying back by then.
6.30PM – A guy in line at the grocery store helps me to top up my phone with 50 thousand pesos even though cashier could not understand me initially. Asks me about my impressions of Colombia.
7PM – Watch and video tape a fun Xmas performance at a mall. Neglect an 7.5 in a white top walking around shopping as I want to finish video taping.
Approach 3 – 7.5 ask for a nice coffee shop. She says that she does not know, no response to “de donde vengo.” She walks off.
8:30 PM – enjoy and Italian dinner with soup and red wine at the Unicentro food court.
La Setanta Avenue Otra Vez
10PM – Approach 4 – Carla. See an 8 walking in a short tank top and jeans down the Setanta avenue, cannot avoid approaching her. Follow her on other side, cross street and approach, ask her about where Cantina la 70 is (I walked by it before). She helps me “find it.” I find out that she is from Venezuela and is selling pens along with her brother, I ask her if she is bored, she says yes. I offer to pay her for drinks if she comes to bar with me. She says she will not sleep with me, I say no problema. The bar ends up being empty and is playing cheesy old mariachi music. I buy a couple pens from her – they turn out to be pens that can be used for smartphones. Chat for 20 minutes, she is from Caracas, 24 and been in Medellin for 2 months. Venezuelan pronunciation is hard. put my hand on her leg – she removes it. After about 3 drinks, she goes to see her brother.
When I meet her brother, I try to shake his hand but he cringes and kneels in pain. Turns out that the Venezuelan police had beaten him up really bad during the protest to the last year's election. He even shows some little spikes that they put in his hand when they were interrogating him. I feel sad for him. Buy some magnets and Colombian wrist bands from him. We go to one of the many loud dance clubs on Setanta whose name I cannot recall but it was very lively and extremely loud.
In the Club, Carla teaches me some salsa. Eventually warms up and starts dirty dancing and grinding against me as her brother is trying to sell me some cologne. After some more grinding – I go for the kiss, she turns her cheek. Later she say that she needs to get home and offers to hang out tomorrow. I concur and get her number.
Wisely, I use Uber to get myself and the Venezuelans home. In the past, my uber did not work on the Samsung phone but worked perfectly on the I-phone.
Day 7 – December 28th (Last full day)
8 AM, the German girl Florina is dressed in shirt skirt for breakfast this time. Damn, I really want her now. Ramble about few places in Medellin to buy souvenirs. She offers to go shopping for souvenirs in El Centro tomorrow morning. Too bad I got to be at the airport but do not tell this to her. Tell her about my night in La setanta Carrera – she seems excited and wants to go dancing with me. Set up date with her for 5PM as during the day she plans to go on a guided neighborhood tour during the day.
9AM – Police arrive to arrest Alejandro – the Venezuelan receptionist. The manager asks how many people were on the Escobar tour, I first say 3 but then remember there were 5 (a British couple that had gone paragliding). Turns out Alejandro was pocketing the commissions that the tour company paid to the hotel. He said that he did not mind him stealing from the hostel – but stealing from the customers was a red line and there were security camera videos of him pocketing money. Police take the ex-receptionist away in handcuffs to be deported. Talk with manager about life in Colombia. I share my story of the Colombian Army shaking down a strip club in Bogota. He tells me registering a business is easy and offers a free stay if I volunteer at the hostel on my next visit.
1PM – Siesta
2PM – Yuli writes to me asking to buy her some food. I offer instead to buy her some food so we can cook dinner together at her place. I know it is probably a dump but excited to see a barrio. However, would certainly prefer Florina but remember Roosh's maxim about always going with the guaranteed lay when faced with a decision.
As I hang out with the others, regret not getting Florina's number but she is a likely flake anyway.
0530PM – See Florina sitting inside hostel talking to another guy and holding her phone. No surprise there, glad that the decision to go to Yuli's place will be easy. I just hope that I do not have to wait for her. Little did I know. I offer Yuli to meet her at 1900 but she says that she is delayed at work till 2100 at Bello station. I hang out with the guys and leave around 1930. Arrive at Bello Station at 2105 and end up waiting for an hour! So annoyed. Check out the outside, lots of aggressive vendors. Buy a water in a packet to drink.
10PM – Turns out it was not just me who got annoyed with the waiting as a Security lady at Bello station tells me I am waiting for too long. Fortunately, she helped translate her messages that Ciel meant “Honey” and not “sky.” Eventually go outside and wait for her to arrive by car. Get a call from the Venezuelan girl who wants to meet up on Setanta carrera, I tell her that I am busy though do feel tempted to tell Yuli to fuck off at this point. Eventually Yuli arrives and the car takes us to her place. It is truly a dump with no lights in the halls and pieces of the wall falling off. I slap her ass as punishment for being late, she says she also works in customer service for an airline and her boss made her stay late. She lives together with her cousin-the place was truly a dump. To my astonishment, She takes a pregnancy test – negative, I joke that I wanted a son to play soccer with) We have some rum, dance, and do our business in her cousin's bed. Afterwards, she says that she really wants to buy her own bed. No hot water in the shower.
Midnight - Her uber friend (who also seems to like me though is a chubby 4) picks me up. As I drive back, see that there are lots of imrpov street parties happening in the barrio. Yuli says that she is not a demanding person (Google translate) and asks me for some money to buy a help her buy a new bed. This is getting annoying as by friends with benefits, she means a sponsor. I tell her I do not have money. She calls my bluff and offers to stop by a Cajero. To my astonishment-the Wells Fargo card was frozen again. Try another ATM-same thing. Cannot believe it -but fortunately I call online security and they ask me to verify transactions, after which the card is unblocked, withdraw 300 in order to pay for the ride to the airport. I give Yuli a hundred thousand pesos and she looks disappointed. She asks if I can give her more and that repeats that she is not a demanding person). I say maybe next time. She was sad when I told her later that I am back in the States.
Get back to hostel and order a taxi to the airport at 3 in the morning the next day. There I meet a 60 year old man from New York who just married a Colombian 23 year old and had a daughter with her. He tells me that the US is just a place to make money but South America is the place to spend it. No arguments from me.
"The unexamined life is not worth living." - Socrates
