My name is Moma. I am a lizard hunter.
Mid December last year (a month ago), I took my first trip across the pond in practically a decade.
I went to what is considered the America of Africa, the country known as Nigeria.
It served as a reality check for me and accomplished some of my needs which was to stop associating myself with a new favourite term 'white problems'. I felt that I was surrounded by opportunities and chances but just due to a clouded perspective I was unable to cash in on them.
I have always been a person influenced by my environment and I always strive to travel as much as I can to make sure I have a varied source of experiences to draw from in how I think and how I act.
I also felt that I needed to be in touch with my people and that I needed some inherited love instead of having to seek it from sometime lesser people.
Before my trip, I got appropriate intel from family members in the states who travel annually there and gave me the lowdown on how to go, the sort of gifts to take and the general dos and donts of this country.
I have never been to any other African country but from the reports of some of my friends who are of Nigerian parentage and those who are of other African countries, there is a unified consensus that Nigeria just does things differently from other countries.
HOW TO GET TO NIGERIA FROM NORTH AMERICA
One will need to buy their ticket. Mine went for roughly a stack and a half (1500 dollars). Again the Americans are fortunate as one can get a direct flight from NYC or Atlanta right to Lagos airport. I believe the journey is about 11 hours in total (including the 6 hour time difference between Nigeria and EST - Nigeria is 6 hours ahead of EST).
From Canada, one has to go to either Paris first (a 7 hour flight courtesy of Air France) and then change for the 5.5 hour flight down.
There is also the option of going via KLM which will mean stopping off in Amsterdam for the change. Again, this is a 7 hour flight from Toronto.
France is 6 hours ahead of EST so on a parallel time frame with Nigeria.
After the ticket is purchased, a Nigerian visa is needed for non Nigerian passport holders to travel to Nigeria. This surprised me since as it is a former British colony, I imagined that one could just flow into there either on a British passport (which I own) or just on a general Canadian passport (which I also possess).
But I had to go through a confusing process to obtain the visa from Ottawa since there is no Nigerian embassy in Toronto which I think is a sin since Toronto is like a capital of Nigeria. The online process was a drawn out, tedious process and everytime I called the embassy, no one ever answered the phone or returned the voicemail messages I left. Preparation for my trip.
I couldn't create an account for the online visa application process swglobal. Finally after a month of digging, I finally was able to get to the receptionist at the Nigerian embassy who was a Canadian born and raised woman of Nigerian and Jamaican parentage. She sympathised with my frustration and gave me clear instructions on how to complete the application process.
I needed to enclose a copy of my yellow fever form (a visa will not be issued unless one shows that they have been vaccinated against yellow fever), I needed to show proof that I had enough funds to live there and not sponge off of the country (???) and I needed an invitation letter, a printout to show that I payed the online visa application (a confirmation number is generated with a successful payment) and 20 dollar money order for processing fee (for them to write up the visa and staple it to your passport).
I also had to send my passport so that they could glue the visa into it for travel. This was to be sent in a return addressed envelope and the process would take about two weeks.
It actually took only a week, kudos to the Ottawa Naija movement.
I took shots for hep A, hep B (I planned on doing some kissing and fcuking) took some maladrone for malaria and some other vaccines covered by work insurance and that was that in terms of protection.
I also went to the Condom shack and got some large Kimono condoms extra thin plus some Magnums.
So on the 14th of December, I began my journey.
My trip was an Air France affair with a stopover in Paris. I felt excited. I haven't crossed the pond in practically a decade and it was exciting to be temporarily re-acquainted with my ex-wife, Europa.
Paris, Charles de Gaulle airport was a huge and rather complicated affair.
Once you get into France, you are reminded that English is not this global language that must be spoken in all major airports.
The French don't really care to speak English and have this condescending look on their face when they hear one bleat English.
However, from my last trip to Paris, I was now prepared and I have been working my French on a major level so I was ready as could be for one studying French on his own.
On the flight over (I had to go to Montreal to connect to Air France, I quickly picked out a black couple complete with child sporting a bad mohawk (no fade) and from some swift eavesdropping plus facial analysis, I made an educated guess that they were Nigerian.
When we got to Paris, I asked them if they were Nigerian and they told me they were.
Good. That means we are going on the same flight to Lagos, Murtala Mohammed Airport.
In Paris, the Nigerian couple and I joined forces to try and locate the terminal plus gate for our flight. The Paris flight was delayed which meant that there was hardly any stayover before Air France.
As I entered Europe, I was reminded how fat North Americans are. The amount of 200 pounders began to significantly drop and as I finally procured an airport employee who had some minimal English I was able to determine the terminal and made moves accordingly.
Next stop: Lagos.
For those lurking Nigerians on the forum, you know that Britain has a large amount of Nigerians.
As I lined up to get on the flight and I looked around, I could hear British accents emanating from the black women in queue.
I tried to request an emergency exit seat from the cat who checks your passport and boarding pass.
He said the flight was fully booked and this wasn't possible but I did have an aisle seat.
I was excited and scared.
As I sat down, I looked around on the flight. There were a few white people going to Nigeria.
Sitting next to me was a sullen male probably in his late twenties from the Ukraine (I know this because I asked him where he was from).
He was going to Port Harcourt for work (there is a fair amount of oil companies there).
To my left, was a group of British women, blondes. I know they were British because I could see their passports and I could hear their accents. They were not Londoners. My question was, why were they going to Nigeria?
They didn't look like they worked in oil companies. I just didn't get that vibe off of them. And if they were going for some rough dyck, was it that sweet to do Nigeria?
For those who know, Nigeria is not exactly a tourist destination.
Here comes the passengers. The Air France flight crew seemed strangely subdued. Usually French people have attitude, I was met with terse statements from my flight from Montreal to Paris by various crew members including being eyeballed by the black female flight attendant.
But on this flight, the crew seemed defeated and somewhat deflated.
I briefly befriended a male flight attendant to query about an emergency exit seat for my long legs. He said the flight was fully booked but he had a friendly demeanour. He spoke perfect French (to my Anglophone ears) but his English didn't carry the usual Francophone strains that I hear from my other French friends.
I finally asked him if he was a Brit and he said no, he is half German and half French but considered being mistaken as a Brit as a compliment.
I looked around the flight at the people coming on.
Here comes the Nigerians!
Normally, French people, especially those emanating from Paris have a bit of an attitude and can come off as a standoffish to non French people. However, on this flight, the air crew were notably subdued. Nigerians are a resilient bunch of people who are seeminly unaffected by insinuations and other stuff.
One of the air crew, a smiling female greeted each passenger as they walked by. Her pleasantries were totally ignored. Two surly males walked right by her point bank "Bonjour, good morning" and I made eye contact with her to express sympathy at the total ignorance of her cordial greeting by the two males.
I saw another sullen stocky guy sit down with a piercing in one ear, short sleeved shirt with the name 'Chukwu' tattooed on his right arm. Chukwu means God in Igbo.
The reason this drew my attention is because Nigerians are generally conservative by nature and you don't see them tatted up or overly pierced. I usually use this as a gauge so when I see a Nigerian lizard with tats, it means she is more likely to be DTF than others.
The German French flight attendant came over and informed me that a shorter cat had offered to swop his emergency row seat with mine. Very nice of him.
So I went to the new location and got the window seat emergency exit row, hemmed in beside a Naija cat from the Ijaw tribe who was going to Port Harcourt for Christmas and an Italian cat who was going to Port Harcourt to work on the oil plants.
I had to go to the toilet and while I was doing my thing, I heard banging on the door. What the fcuk? I came out after completion, irritated and saw that it was a Nigerian guy who was hammering on the door.
"Oga, you know other people have to use it!" he said impatiently.
"What are you on, man?"I said irritably. "Can't you use the other ones?",
"Noo, man", drawled the cat doing a mocking impression of an American accent heavily inflected by his Nigerian one. People always think I am American.
The Italian remained buried in his Jack Reacher novel (printed in Italian of course) and the Ijaw male watched my response with a neutral expression on his face.
Nigerians are very religious and with good reason too (you need oodles of hope and stacks of perserverance to survive in that country).
There are three main tribes in Nigeria with about 230 other ethnic groups within the country.
These main tribes are Hausa, Yoruba and Igbo. You can find one of the three if not all three all over Nigeria.
The Hausa spawn from the Northern part of Nigeria which you can call Hausa land i.e Kaduna, Abuja (the capital of Nigeria from the former capital of Lagos), Kano to name a few and are predominantly Muslim.
Yoruba spawn from Yoruba land Lagos, Ibadan the West of Nigeria. Yorubas can be either Muslim or Christian.
Then you have the South Easterners, the Igbos who are spawn from Igbo land, Enugu, Owerri and Ebonyi for instance. Igbos are predominantly Christian.
Now this past year, I had trained myself up for harsh environments by first visiting St Vincent in which the family that I stayed with had zero AC and the one fan that they did own offered minimal respite from the tropical heat.
CUSTOMS
This was a good thing in hindsight as Murtala Mohammed Airport (Lagos) was hot.
They had no AC there but some ramshack ventilation unit that was doing it's best to cool down the heated and impatient passengers.
There were two lines one for Nigerian passport holders and one for those without (myself). I stood there with a variety of folk such as a few Scots who were there for work, an Irish guy who was there to see his lizard, a gaggle of British blondes, two black American lizards and a Meditterean reptile holding a German passport.
The line up moved at a gastropoda like crawl and I could only feel for the parents that had to wield and soothe their enfant children against the unforgiving tedious pace of the processing line.
You constantly had Nigerians trying to push in and ease in towards the line which seemed to be a common Naija practice.
I looked at a white lizard with North American like proportions (bloated) ushering along a gang of mixed race kids. Her baby father/husband was a darker skinned Naija guy with a hoop earring.
The two Scots stood beside me with the older one holding more disbelief in his eyes as he ogled this woman. I, being desensitised accordingly by living in North America, barely noticed her.
"Fark me", said the older Scot scathingly as he took in her girth. "How many fooking kids has she got then?"
I chuckled softly. It was refreshing to hear the raw deal instead of having everything tailored by the North American PC machine.
I enjoyed listening to the Scot's criticism of Lagos airport. I drank in his comments like a thirsty dog at a pond.
"Call this a fooking international airport?", he continued to scathe, regarding a dilapidated advertising board that was peeling with parts of it coming off.
"Where's the AC?", complained the Italian German lizard. "I can't stand waiting!" she complained.
"There is a fan here," I said indicating at the ratty ventilation blowing in the corner. "But you need to stand real close to feel the breeze".
"Fook me", scathed the Scot. "I'm sweating like a rapist". He pronounced the word like this - reeyeaapist.
I chuckled again at his politically incorrect choice of words. In less than 10 mins, I'd heard more genuine nastiness spout from his mouth than I have in the years living in Canada.
I saw the gaggle of blondles try to cut in towards the checkpoint. A number of various passengers including Nigerians looked on in annoyance.
"Why are they cutting in line?" mentioned a woman in annoyance. "They do not have any children!"
A sharply dressed immigration officer stepped in. "You cannot cut in line.", he said firmly.
"Please go to the back."
What were those lizards doing in Nigeria? Boyfriends? Why, Nigeria? Well, to be perfectly honest, in the UK, for those who love their dark meat, Nigeria and Jamaica has the market cornered. With 180 million blacks spilling out from Nigeria and bolstered by Jamaicans, most British lizards who have stepped outside of their comfort zone have been pounded by either a Nigerian, Jamaican or both.
As we got closer to the line, I noticed that the officer was asking people where their address in Nigeria would be. Fcuk! I couldn't remember my contact's address off the top. All I could remember was his phone number. I hope this wouldn't be a problem.
I tried asking the two Scots what hotel they were staying at. I just needed an address to satisfy the immigration officers. They didn't know and neither seemed all that chuffed to be working in Nigeria. The money must be smackingly delicious to bring them over.
I tried shoulder surfing the irish man.
"You got a hotel name, mate?", I asked. "I didn't know they'd be asking me this shyte".
"Don't know," conceded the Irish man.
I decided I would write the address of my work place in Toronto.
I came up to the counter. Two males were going through the immigration forms that had been handed out on the plane. What I can say is that, these Nigerian uniforms are rather sharp.
The guy, who had a few tribal slices on his face looked over my paper.
"Where is this?", he questioned to the address I put on the form.
I mumbled like I had a mouthful of sandwiches.
"What?" asked the man in a stentorian fashion. "Wheeeyaah is it?!"
P.S. Nigeria is the leading world supplier on noise. They export it in huge volumes and use it on a daily basis for all forms of transactions. Whispering is a cultural offense and use of this form of communication will result in social blighting.
"It's in Canada", I finally admitted.
"Who are you staying with?", roared the officer.
"I can't remember", I said. "He should be just outside".
"Put his number down!", said the officer handing me a pencil and turning to the next person in line.
I scribbled my contact's number down on the immigration paper and handed it back to the man.
He grunted and motioned me over to the second line of customs. This time, it was a male/female duo. Beyond them I could see a final line of officers and a conveyer belt with suitcases in motion.
I was still concerned over all the phobia about Nigeria. Would someone grab my suitcase and make off with it? Would the baggage handlers slash the material looking for foreign gifts (Oga, do me Christmas?)
Would I be denied exit from the airport until I bribed the officials?
I primed myself as best as I can but compared to the third world, no matter how much of a bad ass we think we are in the Western hemisphere, Nigerian midgets will eat the lunch of a giant raised in the First World all day, every day.
The man looked at my Canadian passport and passed it onto the woman. She sounded my surname out slowly and deliberately.
I thought this was the premise of a shakedown and I tried to hold a stoneface as best as I could.
"I said Mr <my surname>", said the woman looking at me.
"Oh, yea that's me", I replied, my voice as rough and chalky as a Equadorian primary school classroom.
She motioned me onwards and I passed through.
That was it! No super wicked shakedown.
My luggage came quickly and I dragged it outside of Murtala Mohammed looking for my contact. now outside of the airport.
The hecklers.
HECKLERS
A rotund man wearing an African fez materialised out of the throng of busy people and asked if I need a taxi. I turned down this request with a sullen shake of my head.
Another guy appeared a minute later asking if I wanted to change US for Naira. I declined. I scanned the mess of people frantically.
This airport was insane. In the distance, following the road that lead up to the airport was some sort of bridge. Near that bridge, was a raging autonomy of noise and dusty vehicles. The traffic looked insane to a mutant level.
WHERE THE FCUK WAS MY CONTACT?
Suddenly a short guy appeared. "You need help with your luggage?", he asked.
I remembered the advice of one of my Nigerian friends. The short ones are the most dangerous.
FCUK!
Nah, I slurred, trying to bring out my South London credentials street chats. In Nigeria, any accent that isn't laced with pidgin has the same impact of the voice of a college chick in an alleyway thriving with sex crazed convicts. Food.
"Is somebody collecting you?", asked the short man. He had a shaven scalp and yellowing eyes.
"Yea", I slurred again, scanning the sea of black for my contact. I wasn't even sure I would recognise him, I hadn't seen him since the late 90's. I had forgotten to leave my I-phone at home but I blocked all international calls when I got to Montreal so even if I wanted to bring out my phone in the midst of these predators, I couldn't send or make any form of communication on African soil.
"Do you want to call him?", asked Yellow Eyes, producing a battered Nokia which is the cell phone technology of choice in Nigeria. It along with the Blackberry, monopolises the general Nigerian market.
Fcuuuuuk! To reach for this phone, to accept his gift, was signing myself up for a whole heap of bullshyt.
But I had no choice. I didn't know where to wait. The terminals in MM1 (Mohammed Murtala Airport 1 is for international flights) was a hodgepotch of confusing nonsense.
Reluctantly I reached for the Nokia and dialed my guy's number (which I had fortunately commited to memory during the flight).
"The number you have called is not available at the moment" was the friendly British female voice I heard. Not the type of accent I needed at this point in time. I needed to hear a strong accent of a Nigerian consistency coming from that phone.
Fcuuuk!
"Let me try it", asked the Yellow eyed one angling for huge tips.
Deeeper....in..debt....
"It's not working", he said after punching in the number.
"Let me try it again", I said and seized the phone from this cat. This time, I heard the reassuring voice of my guy.
"<my name>", he said. "I'm almost there! Traffic is crazy! I left 3 hours ago! Just stay where you are!"
This obviously threw a spanner in the works of Yellow Eyes as he wished to steer me deeper into his gratitude for a larger tip.
"Let me direct him to where you are", he said and took his phone back.
As he began speaking to my guy, he discerned that he was Igbo and went into a swift torrent of Igbo with my guy giving instructions.
Was this guy a genuine Igbo guy or just one of these Wayo guys skilled at using any language to sweeten their prey? It is not uncommon to have guys in Nigeria skilled at speaking at least two of the three main tribal languages there which as mentioned before, Igbo, Hausa and Yoruba.
Even just like the Wayo (con men) of Montreal, speaking multiple languages is an essential staple to remain competitive in the dupe game.
When he completed the call, he said to me:
"Let's go over to the bridge. Caars cannot come hiiyah, it is easier there."
I began to walk, eyeing this cat as he dragged one of my suitcases. Logic quickly kicked in.
"Nah, I'm good", I said. Underneath that bridge at this time (it was beginning to get dark) looked like a tourist deathtrap.
"You don't have to worry, we cannot do anything hiiiyah" assured Yellow Eyes. "Look at that, they have cameras everywhere" and he indicated towards some glass orb structure hanging from the ceiling structure.
Fcuk dat. This is Nigeria. Does that shyt even work? Your only security is your wits and your DNA.
We staying fcuking put.
Yellow Eyes started hitting me off with some fast Igbo. I was too tired and not fluent in that shyt so I wasn't even hearing what he was saying.
What I do know is that he was trying to sweeten the pot. The entire country is about transactions. Simple and put.
"Oga, you know Nigeria is tough", said Yellow Eyes. "Please give me 20 Euros before your guy gets here"
"Nah, I'll sort you out when he gets here", I said. This muthafcuka must think I don't know the conversion rate. 20 Euros will do you nice in Nigeria for a bit.
"When he comes here, he won't give any money", insisted Yellow Eyes. "Do it now, biko"
He burst off into more Igbo. I knew his ploy. My guy is born and bred in Nigeria and has been living in Lagos for over 20 something years. He'd chew right through that Wayo move like it were gourmet steak. No way would he break off any big Naira for the Yellow Eyes.
"Nah, he'll do you, don't worry", I slurred still scanning.
Finally, my guy appeared with another dude who looked remotely familiar. Thank Chukwu!
I embraced both of them and they moved in, looking at Yellow Eyes with a casual Nigerian distrust.
Each of my guys seized my suitcases and ripped off my Air France tags and hurled them to the ground.
Now we went off to the bridge, with Yellow Eyes still trailing. Another guy appeared who apparently had a ride.
Yellow Eyes said something quick in Igbo to my guy who looked at him once and reached out and broke him off with 1000 naira.
Yellow Eyes disappeared.
Under the bridge we got to this other cat's car (unregistered taxi). We began to load my suitcases into the trunk.
"How much?" said my guy as we did so.
"4000 naira" said the car owner.
My guy began to take my suitcases out with the same pace as he loaded them.
"Oya, now! 3000 naira", said the car owner and we loaded them back in.
I sat in the back with my guy and the other cat sat in the front and we drove off.
There was supposed to be a fee paid for all vehicles parked under the bridge as they left the hotel facility. The driver drove right by the woman collecting the money almost running her over.
"I dodge am", said the driver, implying that he avoided paying the fee.
Naijalicious!
Finally I got to the place where I would be staying. I was greeted by my contact's wife and immediately hooked up with some garri and orah soup for dinner.
I had to share the room that night with one cat from Enugu that was flying out the next morning. All my spending money was stored safely in my punani pouch which I had tucked below my waistline on the inside of my trousers. After ensuring the coast was clear, I tucked the wallet into my pillow and took it to sleep.
That night I woke up to see a lizard darting across the room quickly. Garrrh!
I woke up that morning and felt under my pillow. My punani pouch was adiosa! Shiiiit!!!! My fcuking 3 thousand American dollars...gone!!!
So enough of this novel shyt...what about the fcuking lizards??
REPTILES
If you are NOT into black lizards, then Nigeria isn't the place for you. The country is about 180 million deep and the most white lizards (7 in total) I saw was at the airport. As soon as I left MM1 (Murtala Mohammed 1 is the departure for international flights), I didn't even see anything mulatto.
The further I went in, i.e as I spent two weeks in Igboland, i saw nothing white. I didn't even see mulatta. In the village during a masquerade session, I was actually saw one white lizard which was quite surprising to me.
If you are into black lizards, then you will definitely find your pickings in Nigeria. A range of different looks from jet black to quite fair in complexion. Some got asses and some aren't so blessed. You will hardly see any of the ridiculous bumpas that you see in the U.S (and if you do, she is probably on vacation from the states).
The black lizards range in complexion and size. Nigerian lizards can be quite a hefty bunch but they are still nowhere as big as the North American blacks even though the Nigerian diet consists of a whole heap of starch. Even the bigger lizards are still reasonable in size and are of course very strong. The dressing from what I saw was tasteful. Sluts are still condemned here and openly sexual acts are shunned.
Even the ashawo that I tried to snap were more tastefully dressed than an average Toronto lizard on a random Saturday night on Spadina and King etc.
I tried to snap (take some pictures of) some ashawo on our way to one of the Lagos islands (I think it was Ikoyi island) and they ran from the flash like a vampire runs from sunlight.
Ladies are still ladies in this country and still appreciate and uphold their role.
Nigerians seem to like big women. Every time I asked someone to show me what was up i.e where the lizards were at, they pointed me in the direction of a thick woman. I had to remind them that I was there on vacation and not for work. Big women require work and with all that hot ass sun, I wasn't in the mood to be pounding away at some hefty lizard. Too much sweat definitely spoils the broth.
I think there is something in the DNA that signifies that a woman with size can be associated with wealth and will most likely give birth to healthy children. Remember that from a biological standpoint, which is what we humans operate from, the whole basis behind attraction is to find the partner that would give one an offspring with the best chance of perpetuating one's genes. Remember as a human being our two strongest urges in terms of ranking are immediate survival and then procreation is after that.
From nature's perspective, no matter how much money you got or how strong/fast/intelligent you are, you have an expiration date (you won't live forever) so the best way to perpetuate your genes is to impregnate lizards so they can give birth to your child which continue to forward your genetic footprint.
Remember that nature has certain hardwired programming in us. Fcuk an Iphone and a blackberry. Fcuk a degree. Nature doesn't know about societies and technology. In the past, we had so much predators (wild animals, other jealous ass humans, illness) that we needed to get our seed out there as soon as and give it a fighting chance. That was our only way to guarantee immortality from a human perspective.
Based on that breakdown, I've always liked lizards with a generous helping of ass and bress and even some of the women that some Rooshians deem as disgusting (too much ass, too much belly roll hanging out), I would gladly fcuk and actually cum the hardest inside of.
But I'll be dammned if I'll fcuk a lizard that I can easily access in Toronto (a fat lizard).
LIZARD QUEST
I guess due to it being the festive period and everyone returning back to their respective villages, I was finding it very difficult to find someone who was up for going to a club. I needed to hit some lizards and fast! I actually began to secretly scheme on my connect's house girls as I got more and more aroused. The house girl was a raggedy long limbed chick from his home village with short natty hair. She looked young but I reckon her Naija upbringing meant she could take the pipe. She helped with the domestic duties in the house with her younger sister. Younger sister was out of the question, of course. But this gangly one was fair game for a beggar. Problem was, I was never alone in that house.
Being the variety wolf that I am, I was hoping to hit a reptile from each major tribe plus a bonus edo state lizard. That means I wanted to smash a hausa, yoruba and an igbo lizard.
It was clear that I didn't have the time nor logistics to go through things the traditional route. He say/she say is big in Nigeria and the SNL thing didn't seem to be a free flowing convo over there. Sadly, it looked like I would have to get something arranged![[Image: sad.gif]](https://rooshvforum.network/images/smilies/sad.gif)
.
Finally, push came to shove and I insisted to all peeps hosting me that I needed to make a lizard suffer.
One of the guys I was rolling with who owned a distributor outlet in one of the markets in Lagos set me up with a friend of his, a River State lizard who was in university.I Obviously, she needed someone to help her "do Christmas" and I needed someone to put a first world ass whupping on.
UNIVERSITY LIZARDS
The gig out there is that you have lizards that are in university (education is HUGE amongst Nigerians) and it's up to you whether or not you choose to "help" them out with their studies.
Her name was Princess and she schooled in Ibadan. I didn't care to ask her Naija name. Names like Princess, Queen, Majesty and Empress fly out of my head quicker than trashy soap operas. I only stored the name 'Princess' quickly in my shytty unlocked Nokia phone because I knew a datasheet was expected on my return.
She was a nice looking lizard around 5'6, with a nice ass, and a scar near her gut and some kind of burn on her right arm. I bought her a large stout (Guiness) for about 300 Naira and we went into a motel room.
When we went in the room, I began to undress, self conscious of my gut that was growing exponentially from all the huge Nigerian Guilders that people were obliging me to drink. But lizards in Nigeria don't show that they give a shyt. Most cats that I saw in Nigeria were sporting guts. With all the garri and stew, abs take a second set to abdominal fat. But these cats are strong as fcuk and could crunch the fcuk out of an elephant, don't get it twisted.
I had all my Naira stuffed into my black dress socks along with several condoms. The only thing I had of value was my 200 dollar Canon that I bought at Futureshop before departure. That, I watched like a thirsty hawk.
When Princess undressed, I was pleased at her body. I haven't pounded out a decent black lizard in a while who hasn't come along with a full package of attitude and this lizard was going to get it! I slapped her fatty with a smile.
"You've got a nice azz", I said.
"It's okay", she admitted. I guess men in Nigeria really go for the super duper excessive rear baggage holders. But to me, in comparison with the time constraints and lack of playas, this was more than enough.
A fleeting thought crossed my mind about Naughty Nomad's tale of barebacking in Africa. I know the fact that I am from foreign and in Africa, everything foreign is good, I could probably speech her into letting me hit that raw.
The ultimate experience..going raw into a queen from the motherland...FCUK NO! To my recollection, Naughty has irish blood which I don't possess. I'd expire like perishable goods if my naked glans even touched that gooch.
Batting that foolish notion to the back of my head, I retrieved a Kimono from my socks, strapped up and aimed at her snatch. Miss, miss, miss, she reached back and pow, I'm in!
Welcome to MTN! Bienvenue a Nigeria!
I began to stroke her looking at her well defined upper back and her cute little onion quivering from my backstroke. I love backstroke..especially if the lizard has a small waist and an azz that fans out like a cobra's hood.
I wasn't that comfortable though. I like to kiss while I am stroking from time to time. If the lizard has bad lips (thin) or throws too much teeth into the act, it detracts from the experience. I could hear noise in the corridor. I was also concerned about her pulling a wayo move so i wasn't relaxed. It was akin to taking a shyt at a nightclub, one can never feel relaxed when there's all sorts of noise going on.
And as mentioned before, Nigeria has the cornerstone in the global market of noise. I could hear shouting and arguments in the corridor outside.
I switched positions to missionary. This motel was hotter than a muthafcuka. There was some fan blowing somewhere, I imagine and the window was open. I just prayed that a REAL lizard wouldn't hop through the window. I can't stand those scaly muthafcukas.
As I pumped up her pum pum, I rained sweat on her like Patrick Ewing in the playoffs.
"Agh", she said. "My eye! Your sweat is burning my eye!"
"Sorry", I said dispassionately and rolled onto my back.
She straddled me and began to ride me after wiping her eye with the bedsheet.
"AH, AH! wHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU?" yelled someone from the passage outside to somebody else. I could feel myself fading.
"Hey, I'll need you to blow me", I told her.
"will you finish that way?", she asked, grudginly. Obviously shining mans (giving blowjobs) was not her favourite.
"No", I lied. She took a sip of the large stout and began to administer fellatio. It was standard which indicated she was no pro and I knew that I would not be spurting from this. She had essentially turned my lie into a truth. Every now and then she broke the act to spit down at the side of the bed, obviously she didn't like my Canadian 'taste'. In my arrogance, I imagined my meat would taste sweetest to any lizard out there fortunate enough to snack on my snout. A nice experience in humility.
My phone rang. I knew it was my guy checking on me. He wanted to make sure all was well.
I picked up the phone.
"Chairman!", he said. "Make you dey hurry up, we have to go soon, o!".
Basically, we needed to be back because the dude I was staying with, was concerned at me being out till the wee hours of the night.
I was getting bored of this. She lay on top of me rubbing her crotch on my naked tings.
"Always use condoms, yes?", she said. I could feel from her tone that I could convince her to push it in raw. But Africa would beat my ass 8 ways from Sunday.
"Always", I said.
I strapped up again (she looked in amazement at the stash I had in my sock) and I allowed her to ride.
I got up to leave and dropped her 2,000 naira. "Make sure you use am for book, o!", I informed her.
She laughed at my weak ass pidgin and took another sip of the stout.
FOOD
My meals consisted of garri (eba/cassava), with ora, bitterleaf, egusi or okra soup. Some days I was hit with endomie (which are the kind of noodles that has been introduced by the incoming Chinese market).
My varieties would be yam, African salad with fish or white rice with red stew.
Nigerians like to chew their meat and when you are served meat in Nigeria, if it is easily chewed and digested, you have essentially insulted your patron. He/She needs that shyt to be rubber tough where you can chew it for 30 mins and when you swallow it, it goes down the same way it was when it entered your mouth...tough!
Street delicacies can include suya (which is a beef on a stick type of treat usually done by the Hausa tribe). With all food in Nigeria, especially street meat, you have to be careful with where you purchase it. If a mofo prepares it wrongly (doesn't wash it properly or cook it long enough to kill the bacteria), you will be doing P4P...with the toilet. Due to the fact that running water is not a guarantee here, you may have to practice your shaolin squat in certain places or at the very worst, have to stop off in the bush somewhere to shit.
If you didn't carry toilet roll with you, then you will have to locate a dulcet leaf somewhere or walk with a shytty ass until you can hook up a clothes change.
The good thing is, if u shyt by the roadside, cats in Nigeria don't really give a fcuk. Peeps are on their hustle there. Watching you doesn't cut the generator on at night nor does it help put the kobo in a perp's pocket.
I am good with Nigerian food and although I hesitated slightly when facing the grasscutter (bushmeat), I gobbled that mofo down with some African salad (pronounced sah-laaahd), singing an African ballad.
I ate a banana there and it was much smaller than the ones I buy here but it tastes much better. Not so chalky as the ones they import here.
Also due to the fact that the food there is natural, the further off the beating track you go, the more difficult it is to access food that is bad for you. As a result you will be stronger, leaner and sharper.
I saw lizards there that couldn't spell gym if you spotted them the G and the Y, who ate heavy carbs all fcuking day and yet none of them reached the cottage cheese proportion of some of the hot yoga salamanders I encounter in Toronto on a daily basis.
With the carrying of child in wrapper around back, balancing water on head, balancing on the back of Okada while wearing traditional attire, even the hefty lizards there were acceptable (in my eyes).
NEPA
Nepa is the power holding company of Nigeria. NEPA literally stands for National Electric Power Authority but it should really be Never Expect Power Always. Electricity has a very annoying going in Nigeria and one doesn't know when it will be returned. Due to this, you cannot have anything that is relies on a dependent and constant source of electricity unless you can bolster the outage with your generator.
You can be having a party, watching a favourite movie or carrying some delicate goods up some stairs when all of a sudden, boom, lights out and you will be placed in pitch darkness scrabbling about looking for a kerosene lamp to light.
You can't do shyt about this. You can't complain. All you can do is roll with the punches. Think you gangsta? You better be for real in Nigeria.
JUSTICE
There is no 911 or 999 in Nigeria (just 419 lol). Calling the cops is a fcuking waste of time. You better sort your shyt out yourself. If you are waiting for the law to show up, you better wait some more. Get your social connects right. That's the only way there.
For instance, i was reading an article about a lizard that had stolen a guy's blackberry. His friends caught her, naked her (stripped her naked) and took pictures of them sucking her tits. Being the sick fcuk I am, I envied this act of justice and was tempted to bring out my Iphone as bait so I could naked a lizard and also suck her tits.
Market thieves when caught will be stripped naked and beaten publicly. One jolly fellow relayed a tale of a woman who was caught stealing about 10,000 naira from one of the merchants a few days prior to my arrival.
"They naked haar!", he said in excitement. "Then they flogged haar!". Translation: They stripped her ass butt nekid and then they beat her in front of the market people. Cats there have sharp eyes and reactions. I hardly saw tall people like I would in the Netherlands or Denmark for instance but believe me, these cats are athletes.
Blackberries and Nokias are definitely the phones of choice in Nigeria. Every last person and their uncle owns one or the other. You have 180 million blacks in this country. How strong or bad ass you think you are, I bet you I could find a 16 year old that could tan your ass.
Armed robbers there are treated with death. A guy I used to roll with got into armed robbery and smoking Indian hemp (elders frown upon those who smoke 'Indian hemp').
The cops cornered him in a shootout, wasted him and tossed the body. There are no dental records and plenty of creatures in that country. Believe me, there is plenty of vultures, bush meat and other various animals manning the day and night shift that will quickly dispose of a corpse. With all the wildlife there, I saw the roads barren of any roadkill.
Criminal executions are shown on regular tv (not pay-per-view). One can see a group of armed robbers tied to the stake and being gunned down by a firing squad. No halfway crooks in Nigeria. They even have some armed robber executions outside some of the secondary schools.
I saw a guy getting a group beatdown in the city (Enugu) for trying to steal
fares by offering a lower rate than the consensus rate agreed by the other cabbies.
My <insert relative> shrugged at that and said "Jungle justice"
I saw more arguments and quarreling in the three weeks I stayed there than in all my years in Canada. Arguments and acts of aggression is a birth right of the Nigerian. Despite this, there is a lot of love there. A Nigerian will get upset in about 3 seconds argue with you furiously and then kiss you in another 3 seconds. It's a race track for public display of emotions and there are no speed constrictions.
FINANCE
Some say that money doesn't matter. Maybe if one resides in Canada, Denmark or the UK where you have all sorts of subsidies and programs that can be obtained to help one enjoy a reasonable living standard.
In Nigeria, MONEY MATTERS. Everything costs money there. Water to bathe. Water to flush your toilet. Water to cook. Electricity. Money for Okada (motorbike taxi). Money for petrol (gas). Money for moto (car). Money for bread. School fees. Bribes (tax).
Electricity Nice house, nice cars, respect (people calling you chairman). If you have money, you can get ANYTHING there. You can be the ogre that time forgot and you will pound the shyt out of your pretty model wife. It's a very paternal society. Can't get it up? That's your wife's fault. She can't bear any children because of your zero sperm count? Her ovaries are not attractive enough. Marry a newer younger lizard with wider hips and more magnetic eggs.
You can enjoy your life well with money in Nigeria. My <insert relative> procured a visa to send his wife and kids to Europe first. They weren't feeling Europe so he hooked them up with a U.S connect. Laws are lax. They will never breathalyse you (such a notion was foreign when I explained it to my drivers), peeps don't pay car insurance, traffic lights are optional. You can drive as fast as you want and in whatever direction you want. If you encounter police, do them Christmas/New Year/<insert nearest holiday that is applicable (slap them some Naira) and you are good.
Nigeria is one of the countries where a guy can go from selling corn and chickens one week, to big boss with a harem of lizards, a mansion and a driveway full of whips in another week. Dead serious on that. The country is a goldmine. Fortunes can change faster than Usain Bolt on ephedrine and because of that....
....Nigerians are an extremely optimistic bunch. They are very religious and extremely infused with hope. A cat will have one leg, one eye, one nut, one kidney and he will still be trying to get his with the same enthusiasm as a fully bodied stud. Because money doesn't just talk in Nigeria, it SCREAMS IN YOUR FCUKING EAR.
Nigeria is a place of social connects. Social is a HUUUUGE part of the game. If you try to roll in there on some let's do business and bounce, you will be savagely frustrated. You build up your socials there and then operate off of a framework of repaid favours.
SWAG
Compared my average night out in Toronto, I have to say that cats in Naija have more clothes swag. They are more daring with the clothes and colours and the lizards are more risque with the wigs, extensions and perms. The clothes are very sharp and can be a mixture of kaftan or regular Western clothing. Polo shirts are big there. Regular fitting jeans are also the style there but you do get cats that like to wear 'ash level' jeans (sagging off they ass). They get that from American hip hop of course.
Amongst other Africans, it's well known that Nigerians enjoy to floss. In particular, Nigerians are very particular about having an ironed shirt. If NEPA takes your lights, the dude you are staying with might just cut that generator on just so that you can have juice to power up the iron and hit up those creases before you roll out with him. I'm serious on that.
In fact I had a quarrel with my <insert relative> due to the fact that I was about to get in the AutoStar at 6am (had to take a roadtrip from Enugu to Lagos since my fcuking flight was cancelled because of the Harmattan) and I was rolling out with a creased up Polo shirt.
My logic was, fcuk what they think, I stand out with or without my shyt ironed and secondly, I was going to be jammed up in a minivan with as many humans as could be squeezed into the vehicle for a 7 hour road trip on a lawless, badly maintained roadway..fcuk a well pressed shirt!
But cats don't see it that way.
ROAD RULES
During my three week stay there which included one week in Lagos, I saw one traffic light and my connect was complaining that the car in front of us was actually respecting that it was red.
"What is the matter with him? It is probably not even working!" was his logic. Naijalicious!
The roads are swarmed with people on okadas racing at you, trucks pumping filthy smoke into the air, keke napepes coming at you, everyone looking for an angle to slip through and get to where they have to go to. Every inch of the road is used. Hard shoulder, everything.
On top of that, as a driver, you have to look out for:
1) Other drivers (Nigerian driver's license is negotiable. Translation: Anyone who gets a car can drive. Slap officer with 1000 Naira, please pass GO)
2) Potholes (Can fcuk up your day in a major way if you drive over one of those)
3) Street vendors (People balance drinks, snacks (chin chin), phone cards, phone chargers, dried fish and navigate on foot in out of the traffic to sell to those in a traffic jam. Negotiations for prices will be made between the driver and the foot vendor who will run after the moving vehicle to exchange goods and give change.
Before leaving the house, make sure your muthafcuking horn is working. Nigerians communicate with sound. Blast that muthafcuka. I've never heard so much beeping horns in 3 weeks than I have in all the years in Canada. Respect the indicators..pah you've better luck trying to slap box with Optimus Prime.
CARS
They like their cars in Nigeria. I saw Hummers, Escalades, Benzes etc.
Since one doesn't pay car insurance and all you need to handle is your gas and your maintenance, one can come up on a car real quickly.
Back in 80's, Peugeot was big there. Now it's Honda Accord which is called End of Discussion. It means, if you have a Honda Accord there, there's no need for further chats. You also have other ranges of Honda there that are called Discussion continued and another car (not sure of the make called Baby Boy.
CATHARTIC
Seeing how people struggle, my extended family members included, served as a cathartic experience for me. I was fussing about Toronto about the lizards, about the boring nightclubs, about the bane and trite people, the boring convos when in the grand scale of things, I had things all twisted the fcuk up! Get your priorities right.
Abs, six pack, big dyck, little dyck, chest, biceps, triceps, negs, game.. NOT IMPORTANT!
Food, water, health! The other shyt is gravy!
For a good portion of my stay, I had to wash with cold water and Imperial Leather soap (that shyt burns the fcuking eyes). The people that were supposed to deliver water to the place I was staying at, didn't show up, so water had to be fetched from the hose outside.
You need perseverance and hope in Nigeria. Things hardly function the way they should. There are delays, strikes (I was there during that fuel subsidy madness which is still going on), people not showing up and this is reflected in the pace of the people and how they face daily obstacles.
There is a certain pace as to how people walk in Nigeria, it's a saunter non rushed pace. They work hard there but they don't rush things since shyt hardly works according to plan. Also if you walk quickly in that heat, you will sweat the palm wine out of your skin pores.
On the good side, you have a lot of people that will look out for you (very family based) and cats will always take you in to at least swallow some garri with them.
I was also treated like a man. Women didn't get out of mouth there. If a woman didn't like what I said, she didn't speak up. If I gave gifts, they said thank you and meant it.
Upon my return there as I stayed in the village, many came up having heard that I had returned (haven't been back there in a minute). One of the younger lizards (I gauge her at 20 something) shook my hand and got down on one knee before me in respect. Cwoooar!! Treated like a fcuking prince.
Then I am going to have 5's step out of line here?
Meals were constantly being offered to me. I approached a few lizards in the village desperately trying to probe for logistics and failing since EVERYONE in the village knew me (the white black boy). Every lizard I tried to put game on countered with respectful dialogue.
I even got to suck a big Igbo nipple in Enugu (but I didn't complete the fcuk).
Strangers would greet me with a good morning/afternoon/evening, depending on the time of the day.
I heard "You are welcome!" and "Happy Christmas" and "Well done" and "You have tried" so many times, I don't know if I will forget it.
I experienced some flakes but compared to Toronto, I was already primed for it and just flowed by and large.
On top of the garri and ora soup, I also had to eat humble pie quite a few times. I relished this and used it to reset my priorities accordingly.
I desperately needed this because I knew Toronto was causing me to get caught up on irrelevant shyt.
FOR THE ROOSHIANS
For some of the dudes here who like to travel solo to other countries armed with just a bankroll (myself included minus the bankroll), Nigeria can be a dangerous country with lots of tribal conflict (remember you are working with 250 different ethnic groups) and it's teeming with pure blacks. If you are looking for mulatto or whatever you get in Brazil and that you get to some degree in DR, then you are SHYT out of luck here. You WILL be meeting up with some aggressive ass. Any white girls that I did see here were washed up by and large and most likely into being rinsed majorly by Nigerians.
All my 'white' logic had to be effectively thrown out of the window. You can't leverage any of that knowledge in Nigeria. I like to leverage technology, Internet to find out how to operate when I am in motion but I had to hustle just to check my mail out there on a basic XP machine.
You can't use the law per se to help you (because there is always an option of paying off the dudes). One may have to change their concept of game on a lizard out there. I tried a gentle neg on an airport lizard and she just met me with a blank look. Nigeria is an in your face society. It's a country of volume and yelling and quarrelling and negotiating.. It's also a country of joy and endless hope.
It's a tough fcuking country. Many places I went to, were absent of AC. Well, these are unsanitary human conditions some of you may cry. Wheelchair access? Unheard of. You can barely get into some places as a human with mutant agility.
I had to jump in a bus that was in motion..no time to stop for passengers.Too fcuking bad.
I'm in decent shape and reasonably strong but I thought for a moment..what if I had an ailment that required some sort of equipment on standby for monitoring purposes? What if I was my friend who has sleep apnea and requires a machine at night to provide him oxygen so he doesn't choke to death?
With Nepa, he'd be dead before day 2.
Again, Naija is a tough country. Those who are alive, were meant to be alive. No special chairs for fat guys, no concessions for morons.
Everyone by and large is an athlete. I mean, when you eat natural food and bush meat from birth, you will always shyt on a protein shake cat in terms of overall functional strength.
Yea, you can bench 325 pounds but can you scale a palm tree to tap palm wine with a raffia belt?
Yea, you can curl 55 pounds for reps but can you go and harvest yam and bring home bush meat off of one plate of fufu with ora soup?
With all that in mention, I will be going back and I will be hitting up some muthafcuking clubs next time. This first time was a taster.
The next time, I am going in.
Glossary:
African salad: Cassava plant boiled and then cut into slender strips and prepared with palm oil.
Ashawo: Pros
Biko: Igbo word for please.
Bushmeat: Usually either a rodent (grasscutter), rabbit or large lizard hunted down for meat. Good lean protein. Obviously not as succulent as fowl with a distinct gamey texture to it.
Garden egg: A bitter eggplant normally consumed with only one dip into some peppery peanut paste.
Harmattan: A time of the year in Nigeria when it is dry season and it is cold (for them) during the morning and you have these dry ass winds sweeping through the lands all day long. These winds usually emanate from the North (Hausa land).
Keke napepe - Motorized tricycles used for taxi services in Nigeria.
Naija - An abbreviation for either Nigeria or Nigerian.
Naira - The Nigerian currency. 1 USD = 160 -165 Naira. If you get a lower rate than 155, you've been serviced by a Wayo man.
Palm wine: A wine obtained from the palm tree. White in appearance and depending on the quality of the palm tree obtained from can be quite sweet. Is alcoholic so will get you licked (drunk) in due fashion. Supposedly rich in yeast which is allegedly good for the eyesight.
Pidgin: Local broken English used for conversing in Nigeria. Due to the fact that there are 250 different languages spoken in the country, the best way to target all the groups is to speak a localized version of English. Speaking perfect English will just get you misunderstood especially as you start to venture further off the beating track into realms where your regular encounters never really did the school route.
Slap officer with Naira: Place money into the hand of authority figure.
The Pond: Atlantic Ocean
Wayo move: A con move, an act with the intent of duping an individual out of desired goods or services.
Mid December last year (a month ago), I took my first trip across the pond in practically a decade.
I went to what is considered the America of Africa, the country known as Nigeria.
It served as a reality check for me and accomplished some of my needs which was to stop associating myself with a new favourite term 'white problems'. I felt that I was surrounded by opportunities and chances but just due to a clouded perspective I was unable to cash in on them.
I have always been a person influenced by my environment and I always strive to travel as much as I can to make sure I have a varied source of experiences to draw from in how I think and how I act.
I also felt that I needed to be in touch with my people and that I needed some inherited love instead of having to seek it from sometime lesser people.
Before my trip, I got appropriate intel from family members in the states who travel annually there and gave me the lowdown on how to go, the sort of gifts to take and the general dos and donts of this country.
I have never been to any other African country but from the reports of some of my friends who are of Nigerian parentage and those who are of other African countries, there is a unified consensus that Nigeria just does things differently from other countries.
HOW TO GET TO NIGERIA FROM NORTH AMERICA
One will need to buy their ticket. Mine went for roughly a stack and a half (1500 dollars). Again the Americans are fortunate as one can get a direct flight from NYC or Atlanta right to Lagos airport. I believe the journey is about 11 hours in total (including the 6 hour time difference between Nigeria and EST - Nigeria is 6 hours ahead of EST).
From Canada, one has to go to either Paris first (a 7 hour flight courtesy of Air France) and then change for the 5.5 hour flight down.
There is also the option of going via KLM which will mean stopping off in Amsterdam for the change. Again, this is a 7 hour flight from Toronto.
France is 6 hours ahead of EST so on a parallel time frame with Nigeria.
After the ticket is purchased, a Nigerian visa is needed for non Nigerian passport holders to travel to Nigeria. This surprised me since as it is a former British colony, I imagined that one could just flow into there either on a British passport (which I own) or just on a general Canadian passport (which I also possess).
But I had to go through a confusing process to obtain the visa from Ottawa since there is no Nigerian embassy in Toronto which I think is a sin since Toronto is like a capital of Nigeria. The online process was a drawn out, tedious process and everytime I called the embassy, no one ever answered the phone or returned the voicemail messages I left. Preparation for my trip.
I couldn't create an account for the online visa application process swglobal. Finally after a month of digging, I finally was able to get to the receptionist at the Nigerian embassy who was a Canadian born and raised woman of Nigerian and Jamaican parentage. She sympathised with my frustration and gave me clear instructions on how to complete the application process.
I needed to enclose a copy of my yellow fever form (a visa will not be issued unless one shows that they have been vaccinated against yellow fever), I needed to show proof that I had enough funds to live there and not sponge off of the country (???) and I needed an invitation letter, a printout to show that I payed the online visa application (a confirmation number is generated with a successful payment) and 20 dollar money order for processing fee (for them to write up the visa and staple it to your passport).
I also had to send my passport so that they could glue the visa into it for travel. This was to be sent in a return addressed envelope and the process would take about two weeks.
It actually took only a week, kudos to the Ottawa Naija movement.
I took shots for hep A, hep B (I planned on doing some kissing and fcuking) took some maladrone for malaria and some other vaccines covered by work insurance and that was that in terms of protection.
I also went to the Condom shack and got some large Kimono condoms extra thin plus some Magnums.
So on the 14th of December, I began my journey.
My trip was an Air France affair with a stopover in Paris. I felt excited. I haven't crossed the pond in practically a decade and it was exciting to be temporarily re-acquainted with my ex-wife, Europa.
Paris, Charles de Gaulle airport was a huge and rather complicated affair.
Once you get into France, you are reminded that English is not this global language that must be spoken in all major airports.
The French don't really care to speak English and have this condescending look on their face when they hear one bleat English.
However, from my last trip to Paris, I was now prepared and I have been working my French on a major level so I was ready as could be for one studying French on his own.
On the flight over (I had to go to Montreal to connect to Air France, I quickly picked out a black couple complete with child sporting a bad mohawk (no fade) and from some swift eavesdropping plus facial analysis, I made an educated guess that they were Nigerian.
When we got to Paris, I asked them if they were Nigerian and they told me they were.
Good. That means we are going on the same flight to Lagos, Murtala Mohammed Airport.
In Paris, the Nigerian couple and I joined forces to try and locate the terminal plus gate for our flight. The Paris flight was delayed which meant that there was hardly any stayover before Air France.
As I entered Europe, I was reminded how fat North Americans are. The amount of 200 pounders began to significantly drop and as I finally procured an airport employee who had some minimal English I was able to determine the terminal and made moves accordingly.
Next stop: Lagos.
For those lurking Nigerians on the forum, you know that Britain has a large amount of Nigerians.
As I lined up to get on the flight and I looked around, I could hear British accents emanating from the black women in queue.
I tried to request an emergency exit seat from the cat who checks your passport and boarding pass.
He said the flight was fully booked and this wasn't possible but I did have an aisle seat.
I was excited and scared.
As I sat down, I looked around on the flight. There were a few white people going to Nigeria.
Sitting next to me was a sullen male probably in his late twenties from the Ukraine (I know this because I asked him where he was from).
He was going to Port Harcourt for work (there is a fair amount of oil companies there).
To my left, was a group of British women, blondes. I know they were British because I could see their passports and I could hear their accents. They were not Londoners. My question was, why were they going to Nigeria?
They didn't look like they worked in oil companies. I just didn't get that vibe off of them. And if they were going for some rough dyck, was it that sweet to do Nigeria?
For those who know, Nigeria is not exactly a tourist destination.
Here comes the passengers. The Air France flight crew seemed strangely subdued. Usually French people have attitude, I was met with terse statements from my flight from Montreal to Paris by various crew members including being eyeballed by the black female flight attendant.
But on this flight, the crew seemed defeated and somewhat deflated.
I briefly befriended a male flight attendant to query about an emergency exit seat for my long legs. He said the flight was fully booked but he had a friendly demeanour. He spoke perfect French (to my Anglophone ears) but his English didn't carry the usual Francophone strains that I hear from my other French friends.
I finally asked him if he was a Brit and he said no, he is half German and half French but considered being mistaken as a Brit as a compliment.
I looked around the flight at the people coming on.
Here comes the Nigerians!
Normally, French people, especially those emanating from Paris have a bit of an attitude and can come off as a standoffish to non French people. However, on this flight, the air crew were notably subdued. Nigerians are a resilient bunch of people who are seeminly unaffected by insinuations and other stuff.
One of the air crew, a smiling female greeted each passenger as they walked by. Her pleasantries were totally ignored. Two surly males walked right by her point bank "Bonjour, good morning" and I made eye contact with her to express sympathy at the total ignorance of her cordial greeting by the two males.
I saw another sullen stocky guy sit down with a piercing in one ear, short sleeved shirt with the name 'Chukwu' tattooed on his right arm. Chukwu means God in Igbo.
The reason this drew my attention is because Nigerians are generally conservative by nature and you don't see them tatted up or overly pierced. I usually use this as a gauge so when I see a Nigerian lizard with tats, it means she is more likely to be DTF than others.
The German French flight attendant came over and informed me that a shorter cat had offered to swop his emergency row seat with mine. Very nice of him.
So I went to the new location and got the window seat emergency exit row, hemmed in beside a Naija cat from the Ijaw tribe who was going to Port Harcourt for Christmas and an Italian cat who was going to Port Harcourt to work on the oil plants.
I had to go to the toilet and while I was doing my thing, I heard banging on the door. What the fcuk? I came out after completion, irritated and saw that it was a Nigerian guy who was hammering on the door.
"Oga, you know other people have to use it!" he said impatiently.
"What are you on, man?"I said irritably. "Can't you use the other ones?",
"Noo, man", drawled the cat doing a mocking impression of an American accent heavily inflected by his Nigerian one. People always think I am American.
The Italian remained buried in his Jack Reacher novel (printed in Italian of course) and the Ijaw male watched my response with a neutral expression on his face.
Nigerians are very religious and with good reason too (you need oodles of hope and stacks of perserverance to survive in that country).
There are three main tribes in Nigeria with about 230 other ethnic groups within the country.
These main tribes are Hausa, Yoruba and Igbo. You can find one of the three if not all three all over Nigeria.
The Hausa spawn from the Northern part of Nigeria which you can call Hausa land i.e Kaduna, Abuja (the capital of Nigeria from the former capital of Lagos), Kano to name a few and are predominantly Muslim.
Yoruba spawn from Yoruba land Lagos, Ibadan the West of Nigeria. Yorubas can be either Muslim or Christian.
Then you have the South Easterners, the Igbos who are spawn from Igbo land, Enugu, Owerri and Ebonyi for instance. Igbos are predominantly Christian.
Now this past year, I had trained myself up for harsh environments by first visiting St Vincent in which the family that I stayed with had zero AC and the one fan that they did own offered minimal respite from the tropical heat.
CUSTOMS
This was a good thing in hindsight as Murtala Mohammed Airport (Lagos) was hot.
They had no AC there but some ramshack ventilation unit that was doing it's best to cool down the heated and impatient passengers.
There were two lines one for Nigerian passport holders and one for those without (myself). I stood there with a variety of folk such as a few Scots who were there for work, an Irish guy who was there to see his lizard, a gaggle of British blondes, two black American lizards and a Meditterean reptile holding a German passport.
The line up moved at a gastropoda like crawl and I could only feel for the parents that had to wield and soothe their enfant children against the unforgiving tedious pace of the processing line.
You constantly had Nigerians trying to push in and ease in towards the line which seemed to be a common Naija practice.
I looked at a white lizard with North American like proportions (bloated) ushering along a gang of mixed race kids. Her baby father/husband was a darker skinned Naija guy with a hoop earring.
The two Scots stood beside me with the older one holding more disbelief in his eyes as he ogled this woman. I, being desensitised accordingly by living in North America, barely noticed her.
"Fark me", said the older Scot scathingly as he took in her girth. "How many fooking kids has she got then?"
I chuckled softly. It was refreshing to hear the raw deal instead of having everything tailored by the North American PC machine.
I enjoyed listening to the Scot's criticism of Lagos airport. I drank in his comments like a thirsty dog at a pond.
"Call this a fooking international airport?", he continued to scathe, regarding a dilapidated advertising board that was peeling with parts of it coming off.
"Where's the AC?", complained the Italian German lizard. "I can't stand waiting!" she complained.
"There is a fan here," I said indicating at the ratty ventilation blowing in the corner. "But you need to stand real close to feel the breeze".
"Fook me", scathed the Scot. "I'm sweating like a rapist". He pronounced the word like this - reeyeaapist.
I chuckled again at his politically incorrect choice of words. In less than 10 mins, I'd heard more genuine nastiness spout from his mouth than I have in the years living in Canada.
I saw the gaggle of blondles try to cut in towards the checkpoint. A number of various passengers including Nigerians looked on in annoyance.
"Why are they cutting in line?" mentioned a woman in annoyance. "They do not have any children!"
A sharply dressed immigration officer stepped in. "You cannot cut in line.", he said firmly.
"Please go to the back."
What were those lizards doing in Nigeria? Boyfriends? Why, Nigeria? Well, to be perfectly honest, in the UK, for those who love their dark meat, Nigeria and Jamaica has the market cornered. With 180 million blacks spilling out from Nigeria and bolstered by Jamaicans, most British lizards who have stepped outside of their comfort zone have been pounded by either a Nigerian, Jamaican or both.
As we got closer to the line, I noticed that the officer was asking people where their address in Nigeria would be. Fcuk! I couldn't remember my contact's address off the top. All I could remember was his phone number. I hope this wouldn't be a problem.
I tried asking the two Scots what hotel they were staying at. I just needed an address to satisfy the immigration officers. They didn't know and neither seemed all that chuffed to be working in Nigeria. The money must be smackingly delicious to bring them over.
I tried shoulder surfing the irish man.
"You got a hotel name, mate?", I asked. "I didn't know they'd be asking me this shyte".
"Don't know," conceded the Irish man.
I decided I would write the address of my work place in Toronto.
I came up to the counter. Two males were going through the immigration forms that had been handed out on the plane. What I can say is that, these Nigerian uniforms are rather sharp.
The guy, who had a few tribal slices on his face looked over my paper.
"Where is this?", he questioned to the address I put on the form.
I mumbled like I had a mouthful of sandwiches.
"What?" asked the man in a stentorian fashion. "Wheeeyaah is it?!"
P.S. Nigeria is the leading world supplier on noise. They export it in huge volumes and use it on a daily basis for all forms of transactions. Whispering is a cultural offense and use of this form of communication will result in social blighting.
"It's in Canada", I finally admitted.
"Who are you staying with?", roared the officer.
"I can't remember", I said. "He should be just outside".
"Put his number down!", said the officer handing me a pencil and turning to the next person in line.
I scribbled my contact's number down on the immigration paper and handed it back to the man.
He grunted and motioned me over to the second line of customs. This time, it was a male/female duo. Beyond them I could see a final line of officers and a conveyer belt with suitcases in motion.
I was still concerned over all the phobia about Nigeria. Would someone grab my suitcase and make off with it? Would the baggage handlers slash the material looking for foreign gifts (Oga, do me Christmas?)
Would I be denied exit from the airport until I bribed the officials?
I primed myself as best as I can but compared to the third world, no matter how much of a bad ass we think we are in the Western hemisphere, Nigerian midgets will eat the lunch of a giant raised in the First World all day, every day.
The man looked at my Canadian passport and passed it onto the woman. She sounded my surname out slowly and deliberately.
I thought this was the premise of a shakedown and I tried to hold a stoneface as best as I could.
"I said Mr <my surname>", said the woman looking at me.
"Oh, yea that's me", I replied, my voice as rough and chalky as a Equadorian primary school classroom.
She motioned me onwards and I passed through.
That was it! No super wicked shakedown.
My luggage came quickly and I dragged it outside of Murtala Mohammed looking for my contact. now outside of the airport.
The hecklers.
HECKLERS
A rotund man wearing an African fez materialised out of the throng of busy people and asked if I need a taxi. I turned down this request with a sullen shake of my head.
Another guy appeared a minute later asking if I wanted to change US for Naira. I declined. I scanned the mess of people frantically.
This airport was insane. In the distance, following the road that lead up to the airport was some sort of bridge. Near that bridge, was a raging autonomy of noise and dusty vehicles. The traffic looked insane to a mutant level.
WHERE THE FCUK WAS MY CONTACT?
Suddenly a short guy appeared. "You need help with your luggage?", he asked.
I remembered the advice of one of my Nigerian friends. The short ones are the most dangerous.
FCUK!
Nah, I slurred, trying to bring out my South London credentials street chats. In Nigeria, any accent that isn't laced with pidgin has the same impact of the voice of a college chick in an alleyway thriving with sex crazed convicts. Food.
"Is somebody collecting you?", asked the short man. He had a shaven scalp and yellowing eyes.
"Yea", I slurred again, scanning the sea of black for my contact. I wasn't even sure I would recognise him, I hadn't seen him since the late 90's. I had forgotten to leave my I-phone at home but I blocked all international calls when I got to Montreal so even if I wanted to bring out my phone in the midst of these predators, I couldn't send or make any form of communication on African soil.
"Do you want to call him?", asked Yellow Eyes, producing a battered Nokia which is the cell phone technology of choice in Nigeria. It along with the Blackberry, monopolises the general Nigerian market.
Fcuuuuuk! To reach for this phone, to accept his gift, was signing myself up for a whole heap of bullshyt.
But I had no choice. I didn't know where to wait. The terminals in MM1 (Mohammed Murtala Airport 1 is for international flights) was a hodgepotch of confusing nonsense.
Reluctantly I reached for the Nokia and dialed my guy's number (which I had fortunately commited to memory during the flight).
"The number you have called is not available at the moment" was the friendly British female voice I heard. Not the type of accent I needed at this point in time. I needed to hear a strong accent of a Nigerian consistency coming from that phone.
Fcuuuk!
"Let me try it", asked the Yellow eyed one angling for huge tips.
Deeeper....in..debt....
"It's not working", he said after punching in the number.
"Let me try it again", I said and seized the phone from this cat. This time, I heard the reassuring voice of my guy.
"<my name>", he said. "I'm almost there! Traffic is crazy! I left 3 hours ago! Just stay where you are!"
This obviously threw a spanner in the works of Yellow Eyes as he wished to steer me deeper into his gratitude for a larger tip.
"Let me direct him to where you are", he said and took his phone back.
As he began speaking to my guy, he discerned that he was Igbo and went into a swift torrent of Igbo with my guy giving instructions.
Was this guy a genuine Igbo guy or just one of these Wayo guys skilled at using any language to sweeten their prey? It is not uncommon to have guys in Nigeria skilled at speaking at least two of the three main tribal languages there which as mentioned before, Igbo, Hausa and Yoruba.
Even just like the Wayo (con men) of Montreal, speaking multiple languages is an essential staple to remain competitive in the dupe game.
When he completed the call, he said to me:
"Let's go over to the bridge. Caars cannot come hiiyah, it is easier there."
I began to walk, eyeing this cat as he dragged one of my suitcases. Logic quickly kicked in.
"Nah, I'm good", I said. Underneath that bridge at this time (it was beginning to get dark) looked like a tourist deathtrap.
"You don't have to worry, we cannot do anything hiiiyah" assured Yellow Eyes. "Look at that, they have cameras everywhere" and he indicated towards some glass orb structure hanging from the ceiling structure.
Fcuk dat. This is Nigeria. Does that shyt even work? Your only security is your wits and your DNA.
We staying fcuking put.
Yellow Eyes started hitting me off with some fast Igbo. I was too tired and not fluent in that shyt so I wasn't even hearing what he was saying.
What I do know is that he was trying to sweeten the pot. The entire country is about transactions. Simple and put.
"Oga, you know Nigeria is tough", said Yellow Eyes. "Please give me 20 Euros before your guy gets here"
"Nah, I'll sort you out when he gets here", I said. This muthafcuka must think I don't know the conversion rate. 20 Euros will do you nice in Nigeria for a bit.
"When he comes here, he won't give any money", insisted Yellow Eyes. "Do it now, biko"
He burst off into more Igbo. I knew his ploy. My guy is born and bred in Nigeria and has been living in Lagos for over 20 something years. He'd chew right through that Wayo move like it were gourmet steak. No way would he break off any big Naira for the Yellow Eyes.
"Nah, he'll do you, don't worry", I slurred still scanning.
Finally, my guy appeared with another dude who looked remotely familiar. Thank Chukwu!
I embraced both of them and they moved in, looking at Yellow Eyes with a casual Nigerian distrust.
Each of my guys seized my suitcases and ripped off my Air France tags and hurled them to the ground.
Now we went off to the bridge, with Yellow Eyes still trailing. Another guy appeared who apparently had a ride.
Yellow Eyes said something quick in Igbo to my guy who looked at him once and reached out and broke him off with 1000 naira.
Yellow Eyes disappeared.
Under the bridge we got to this other cat's car (unregistered taxi). We began to load my suitcases into the trunk.
"How much?" said my guy as we did so.
"4000 naira" said the car owner.
My guy began to take my suitcases out with the same pace as he loaded them.
"Oya, now! 3000 naira", said the car owner and we loaded them back in.
I sat in the back with my guy and the other cat sat in the front and we drove off.
There was supposed to be a fee paid for all vehicles parked under the bridge as they left the hotel facility. The driver drove right by the woman collecting the money almost running her over.
"I dodge am", said the driver, implying that he avoided paying the fee.
Naijalicious!
Finally I got to the place where I would be staying. I was greeted by my contact's wife and immediately hooked up with some garri and orah soup for dinner.
I had to share the room that night with one cat from Enugu that was flying out the next morning. All my spending money was stored safely in my punani pouch which I had tucked below my waistline on the inside of my trousers. After ensuring the coast was clear, I tucked the wallet into my pillow and took it to sleep.
That night I woke up to see a lizard darting across the room quickly. Garrrh!
I woke up that morning and felt under my pillow. My punani pouch was adiosa! Shiiiit!!!! My fcuking 3 thousand American dollars...gone!!!
So enough of this novel shyt...what about the fcuking lizards??
REPTILES
If you are NOT into black lizards, then Nigeria isn't the place for you. The country is about 180 million deep and the most white lizards (7 in total) I saw was at the airport. As soon as I left MM1 (Murtala Mohammed 1 is the departure for international flights), I didn't even see anything mulatto.
The further I went in, i.e as I spent two weeks in Igboland, i saw nothing white. I didn't even see mulatta. In the village during a masquerade session, I was actually saw one white lizard which was quite surprising to me.
If you are into black lizards, then you will definitely find your pickings in Nigeria. A range of different looks from jet black to quite fair in complexion. Some got asses and some aren't so blessed. You will hardly see any of the ridiculous bumpas that you see in the U.S (and if you do, she is probably on vacation from the states).
The black lizards range in complexion and size. Nigerian lizards can be quite a hefty bunch but they are still nowhere as big as the North American blacks even though the Nigerian diet consists of a whole heap of starch. Even the bigger lizards are still reasonable in size and are of course very strong. The dressing from what I saw was tasteful. Sluts are still condemned here and openly sexual acts are shunned.
Even the ashawo that I tried to snap were more tastefully dressed than an average Toronto lizard on a random Saturday night on Spadina and King etc.
I tried to snap (take some pictures of) some ashawo on our way to one of the Lagos islands (I think it was Ikoyi island) and they ran from the flash like a vampire runs from sunlight.
Ladies are still ladies in this country and still appreciate and uphold their role.
Nigerians seem to like big women. Every time I asked someone to show me what was up i.e where the lizards were at, they pointed me in the direction of a thick woman. I had to remind them that I was there on vacation and not for work. Big women require work and with all that hot ass sun, I wasn't in the mood to be pounding away at some hefty lizard. Too much sweat definitely spoils the broth.
I think there is something in the DNA that signifies that a woman with size can be associated with wealth and will most likely give birth to healthy children. Remember that from a biological standpoint, which is what we humans operate from, the whole basis behind attraction is to find the partner that would give one an offspring with the best chance of perpetuating one's genes. Remember as a human being our two strongest urges in terms of ranking are immediate survival and then procreation is after that.
From nature's perspective, no matter how much money you got or how strong/fast/intelligent you are, you have an expiration date (you won't live forever) so the best way to perpetuate your genes is to impregnate lizards so they can give birth to your child which continue to forward your genetic footprint.
Remember that nature has certain hardwired programming in us. Fcuk an Iphone and a blackberry. Fcuk a degree. Nature doesn't know about societies and technology. In the past, we had so much predators (wild animals, other jealous ass humans, illness) that we needed to get our seed out there as soon as and give it a fighting chance. That was our only way to guarantee immortality from a human perspective.
Based on that breakdown, I've always liked lizards with a generous helping of ass and bress and even some of the women that some Rooshians deem as disgusting (too much ass, too much belly roll hanging out), I would gladly fcuk and actually cum the hardest inside of.
But I'll be dammned if I'll fcuk a lizard that I can easily access in Toronto (a fat lizard).
LIZARD QUEST
I guess due to it being the festive period and everyone returning back to their respective villages, I was finding it very difficult to find someone who was up for going to a club. I needed to hit some lizards and fast! I actually began to secretly scheme on my connect's house girls as I got more and more aroused. The house girl was a raggedy long limbed chick from his home village with short natty hair. She looked young but I reckon her Naija upbringing meant she could take the pipe. She helped with the domestic duties in the house with her younger sister. Younger sister was out of the question, of course. But this gangly one was fair game for a beggar. Problem was, I was never alone in that house.
Being the variety wolf that I am, I was hoping to hit a reptile from each major tribe plus a bonus edo state lizard. That means I wanted to smash a hausa, yoruba and an igbo lizard.
It was clear that I didn't have the time nor logistics to go through things the traditional route. He say/she say is big in Nigeria and the SNL thing didn't seem to be a free flowing convo over there. Sadly, it looked like I would have to get something arranged
.Finally, push came to shove and I insisted to all peeps hosting me that I needed to make a lizard suffer.
One of the guys I was rolling with who owned a distributor outlet in one of the markets in Lagos set me up with a friend of his, a River State lizard who was in university.I Obviously, she needed someone to help her "do Christmas" and I needed someone to put a first world ass whupping on.
UNIVERSITY LIZARDS
The gig out there is that you have lizards that are in university (education is HUGE amongst Nigerians) and it's up to you whether or not you choose to "help" them out with their studies.
Her name was Princess and she schooled in Ibadan. I didn't care to ask her Naija name. Names like Princess, Queen, Majesty and Empress fly out of my head quicker than trashy soap operas. I only stored the name 'Princess' quickly in my shytty unlocked Nokia phone because I knew a datasheet was expected on my return.
She was a nice looking lizard around 5'6, with a nice ass, and a scar near her gut and some kind of burn on her right arm. I bought her a large stout (Guiness) for about 300 Naira and we went into a motel room.
When we went in the room, I began to undress, self conscious of my gut that was growing exponentially from all the huge Nigerian Guilders that people were obliging me to drink. But lizards in Nigeria don't show that they give a shyt. Most cats that I saw in Nigeria were sporting guts. With all the garri and stew, abs take a second set to abdominal fat. But these cats are strong as fcuk and could crunch the fcuk out of an elephant, don't get it twisted.
I had all my Naira stuffed into my black dress socks along with several condoms. The only thing I had of value was my 200 dollar Canon that I bought at Futureshop before departure. That, I watched like a thirsty hawk.
When Princess undressed, I was pleased at her body. I haven't pounded out a decent black lizard in a while who hasn't come along with a full package of attitude and this lizard was going to get it! I slapped her fatty with a smile.
"You've got a nice azz", I said.
"It's okay", she admitted. I guess men in Nigeria really go for the super duper excessive rear baggage holders. But to me, in comparison with the time constraints and lack of playas, this was more than enough.
A fleeting thought crossed my mind about Naughty Nomad's tale of barebacking in Africa. I know the fact that I am from foreign and in Africa, everything foreign is good, I could probably speech her into letting me hit that raw.
The ultimate experience..going raw into a queen from the motherland...FCUK NO! To my recollection, Naughty has irish blood which I don't possess. I'd expire like perishable goods if my naked glans even touched that gooch.
Batting that foolish notion to the back of my head, I retrieved a Kimono from my socks, strapped up and aimed at her snatch. Miss, miss, miss, she reached back and pow, I'm in!
Welcome to MTN! Bienvenue a Nigeria!
I began to stroke her looking at her well defined upper back and her cute little onion quivering from my backstroke. I love backstroke..especially if the lizard has a small waist and an azz that fans out like a cobra's hood.
I wasn't that comfortable though. I like to kiss while I am stroking from time to time. If the lizard has bad lips (thin) or throws too much teeth into the act, it detracts from the experience. I could hear noise in the corridor. I was also concerned about her pulling a wayo move so i wasn't relaxed. It was akin to taking a shyt at a nightclub, one can never feel relaxed when there's all sorts of noise going on.
And as mentioned before, Nigeria has the cornerstone in the global market of noise. I could hear shouting and arguments in the corridor outside.
I switched positions to missionary. This motel was hotter than a muthafcuka. There was some fan blowing somewhere, I imagine and the window was open. I just prayed that a REAL lizard wouldn't hop through the window. I can't stand those scaly muthafcukas.
As I pumped up her pum pum, I rained sweat on her like Patrick Ewing in the playoffs.
"Agh", she said. "My eye! Your sweat is burning my eye!"
"Sorry", I said dispassionately and rolled onto my back.
She straddled me and began to ride me after wiping her eye with the bedsheet.
"AH, AH! wHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU?" yelled someone from the passage outside to somebody else. I could feel myself fading.
"Hey, I'll need you to blow me", I told her.
"will you finish that way?", she asked, grudginly. Obviously shining mans (giving blowjobs) was not her favourite.
"No", I lied. She took a sip of the large stout and began to administer fellatio. It was standard which indicated she was no pro and I knew that I would not be spurting from this. She had essentially turned my lie into a truth. Every now and then she broke the act to spit down at the side of the bed, obviously she didn't like my Canadian 'taste'. In my arrogance, I imagined my meat would taste sweetest to any lizard out there fortunate enough to snack on my snout. A nice experience in humility.
My phone rang. I knew it was my guy checking on me. He wanted to make sure all was well.
I picked up the phone.
"Chairman!", he said. "Make you dey hurry up, we have to go soon, o!".
Basically, we needed to be back because the dude I was staying with, was concerned at me being out till the wee hours of the night.
I was getting bored of this. She lay on top of me rubbing her crotch on my naked tings.
"Always use condoms, yes?", she said. I could feel from her tone that I could convince her to push it in raw. But Africa would beat my ass 8 ways from Sunday.
"Always", I said.
I strapped up again (she looked in amazement at the stash I had in my sock) and I allowed her to ride.
I got up to leave and dropped her 2,000 naira. "Make sure you use am for book, o!", I informed her.
She laughed at my weak ass pidgin and took another sip of the stout.
FOOD
My meals consisted of garri (eba/cassava), with ora, bitterleaf, egusi or okra soup. Some days I was hit with endomie (which are the kind of noodles that has been introduced by the incoming Chinese market).
My varieties would be yam, African salad with fish or white rice with red stew.
Nigerians like to chew their meat and when you are served meat in Nigeria, if it is easily chewed and digested, you have essentially insulted your patron. He/She needs that shyt to be rubber tough where you can chew it for 30 mins and when you swallow it, it goes down the same way it was when it entered your mouth...tough!
Street delicacies can include suya (which is a beef on a stick type of treat usually done by the Hausa tribe). With all food in Nigeria, especially street meat, you have to be careful with where you purchase it. If a mofo prepares it wrongly (doesn't wash it properly or cook it long enough to kill the bacteria), you will be doing P4P...with the toilet. Due to the fact that running water is not a guarantee here, you may have to practice your shaolin squat in certain places or at the very worst, have to stop off in the bush somewhere to shit.
If you didn't carry toilet roll with you, then you will have to locate a dulcet leaf somewhere or walk with a shytty ass until you can hook up a clothes change.
The good thing is, if u shyt by the roadside, cats in Nigeria don't really give a fcuk. Peeps are on their hustle there. Watching you doesn't cut the generator on at night nor does it help put the kobo in a perp's pocket.
I am good with Nigerian food and although I hesitated slightly when facing the grasscutter (bushmeat), I gobbled that mofo down with some African salad (pronounced sah-laaahd), singing an African ballad.
I ate a banana there and it was much smaller than the ones I buy here but it tastes much better. Not so chalky as the ones they import here.
Also due to the fact that the food there is natural, the further off the beating track you go, the more difficult it is to access food that is bad for you. As a result you will be stronger, leaner and sharper.
I saw lizards there that couldn't spell gym if you spotted them the G and the Y, who ate heavy carbs all fcuking day and yet none of them reached the cottage cheese proportion of some of the hot yoga salamanders I encounter in Toronto on a daily basis.
With the carrying of child in wrapper around back, balancing water on head, balancing on the back of Okada while wearing traditional attire, even the hefty lizards there were acceptable (in my eyes).
NEPA
Nepa is the power holding company of Nigeria. NEPA literally stands for National Electric Power Authority but it should really be Never Expect Power Always. Electricity has a very annoying going in Nigeria and one doesn't know when it will be returned. Due to this, you cannot have anything that is relies on a dependent and constant source of electricity unless you can bolster the outage with your generator.
You can be having a party, watching a favourite movie or carrying some delicate goods up some stairs when all of a sudden, boom, lights out and you will be placed in pitch darkness scrabbling about looking for a kerosene lamp to light.
You can't do shyt about this. You can't complain. All you can do is roll with the punches. Think you gangsta? You better be for real in Nigeria.
JUSTICE
There is no 911 or 999 in Nigeria (just 419 lol). Calling the cops is a fcuking waste of time. You better sort your shyt out yourself. If you are waiting for the law to show up, you better wait some more. Get your social connects right. That's the only way there.
For instance, i was reading an article about a lizard that had stolen a guy's blackberry. His friends caught her, naked her (stripped her naked) and took pictures of them sucking her tits. Being the sick fcuk I am, I envied this act of justice and was tempted to bring out my Iphone as bait so I could naked a lizard and also suck her tits.
Market thieves when caught will be stripped naked and beaten publicly. One jolly fellow relayed a tale of a woman who was caught stealing about 10,000 naira from one of the merchants a few days prior to my arrival.
"They naked haar!", he said in excitement. "Then they flogged haar!". Translation: They stripped her ass butt nekid and then they beat her in front of the market people. Cats there have sharp eyes and reactions. I hardly saw tall people like I would in the Netherlands or Denmark for instance but believe me, these cats are athletes.
Blackberries and Nokias are definitely the phones of choice in Nigeria. Every last person and their uncle owns one or the other. You have 180 million blacks in this country. How strong or bad ass you think you are, I bet you I could find a 16 year old that could tan your ass.
Armed robbers there are treated with death. A guy I used to roll with got into armed robbery and smoking Indian hemp (elders frown upon those who smoke 'Indian hemp').
The cops cornered him in a shootout, wasted him and tossed the body. There are no dental records and plenty of creatures in that country. Believe me, there is plenty of vultures, bush meat and other various animals manning the day and night shift that will quickly dispose of a corpse. With all the wildlife there, I saw the roads barren of any roadkill.
Criminal executions are shown on regular tv (not pay-per-view). One can see a group of armed robbers tied to the stake and being gunned down by a firing squad. No halfway crooks in Nigeria. They even have some armed robber executions outside some of the secondary schools.
I saw a guy getting a group beatdown in the city (Enugu) for trying to steal
fares by offering a lower rate than the consensus rate agreed by the other cabbies.
My <insert relative> shrugged at that and said "Jungle justice"
I saw more arguments and quarreling in the three weeks I stayed there than in all my years in Canada. Arguments and acts of aggression is a birth right of the Nigerian. Despite this, there is a lot of love there. A Nigerian will get upset in about 3 seconds argue with you furiously and then kiss you in another 3 seconds. It's a race track for public display of emotions and there are no speed constrictions.
FINANCE
Some say that money doesn't matter. Maybe if one resides in Canada, Denmark or the UK where you have all sorts of subsidies and programs that can be obtained to help one enjoy a reasonable living standard.
In Nigeria, MONEY MATTERS. Everything costs money there. Water to bathe. Water to flush your toilet. Water to cook. Electricity. Money for Okada (motorbike taxi). Money for petrol (gas). Money for moto (car). Money for bread. School fees. Bribes (tax).
Electricity Nice house, nice cars, respect (people calling you chairman). If you have money, you can get ANYTHING there. You can be the ogre that time forgot and you will pound the shyt out of your pretty model wife. It's a very paternal society. Can't get it up? That's your wife's fault. She can't bear any children because of your zero sperm count? Her ovaries are not attractive enough. Marry a newer younger lizard with wider hips and more magnetic eggs.
You can enjoy your life well with money in Nigeria. My <insert relative> procured a visa to send his wife and kids to Europe first. They weren't feeling Europe so he hooked them up with a U.S connect. Laws are lax. They will never breathalyse you (such a notion was foreign when I explained it to my drivers), peeps don't pay car insurance, traffic lights are optional. You can drive as fast as you want and in whatever direction you want. If you encounter police, do them Christmas/New Year/<insert nearest holiday that is applicable (slap them some Naira) and you are good.
Nigeria is one of the countries where a guy can go from selling corn and chickens one week, to big boss with a harem of lizards, a mansion and a driveway full of whips in another week. Dead serious on that. The country is a goldmine. Fortunes can change faster than Usain Bolt on ephedrine and because of that....
....Nigerians are an extremely optimistic bunch. They are very religious and extremely infused with hope. A cat will have one leg, one eye, one nut, one kidney and he will still be trying to get his with the same enthusiasm as a fully bodied stud. Because money doesn't just talk in Nigeria, it SCREAMS IN YOUR FCUKING EAR.
Nigeria is a place of social connects. Social is a HUUUUGE part of the game. If you try to roll in there on some let's do business and bounce, you will be savagely frustrated. You build up your socials there and then operate off of a framework of repaid favours.
SWAG
Compared my average night out in Toronto, I have to say that cats in Naija have more clothes swag. They are more daring with the clothes and colours and the lizards are more risque with the wigs, extensions and perms. The clothes are very sharp and can be a mixture of kaftan or regular Western clothing. Polo shirts are big there. Regular fitting jeans are also the style there but you do get cats that like to wear 'ash level' jeans (sagging off they ass). They get that from American hip hop of course.
Amongst other Africans, it's well known that Nigerians enjoy to floss. In particular, Nigerians are very particular about having an ironed shirt. If NEPA takes your lights, the dude you are staying with might just cut that generator on just so that you can have juice to power up the iron and hit up those creases before you roll out with him. I'm serious on that.
In fact I had a quarrel with my <insert relative> due to the fact that I was about to get in the AutoStar at 6am (had to take a roadtrip from Enugu to Lagos since my fcuking flight was cancelled because of the Harmattan) and I was rolling out with a creased up Polo shirt.
My logic was, fcuk what they think, I stand out with or without my shyt ironed and secondly, I was going to be jammed up in a minivan with as many humans as could be squeezed into the vehicle for a 7 hour road trip on a lawless, badly maintained roadway..fcuk a well pressed shirt!
But cats don't see it that way.
ROAD RULES
During my three week stay there which included one week in Lagos, I saw one traffic light and my connect was complaining that the car in front of us was actually respecting that it was red.
"What is the matter with him? It is probably not even working!" was his logic. Naijalicious!
The roads are swarmed with people on okadas racing at you, trucks pumping filthy smoke into the air, keke napepes coming at you, everyone looking for an angle to slip through and get to where they have to go to. Every inch of the road is used. Hard shoulder, everything.
On top of that, as a driver, you have to look out for:
1) Other drivers (Nigerian driver's license is negotiable. Translation: Anyone who gets a car can drive. Slap officer with 1000 Naira, please pass GO)
2) Potholes (Can fcuk up your day in a major way if you drive over one of those)
3) Street vendors (People balance drinks, snacks (chin chin), phone cards, phone chargers, dried fish and navigate on foot in out of the traffic to sell to those in a traffic jam. Negotiations for prices will be made between the driver and the foot vendor who will run after the moving vehicle to exchange goods and give change.
Before leaving the house, make sure your muthafcuking horn is working. Nigerians communicate with sound. Blast that muthafcuka. I've never heard so much beeping horns in 3 weeks than I have in all the years in Canada. Respect the indicators..pah you've better luck trying to slap box with Optimus Prime.
CARS
They like their cars in Nigeria. I saw Hummers, Escalades, Benzes etc.
Since one doesn't pay car insurance and all you need to handle is your gas and your maintenance, one can come up on a car real quickly.
Back in 80's, Peugeot was big there. Now it's Honda Accord which is called End of Discussion. It means, if you have a Honda Accord there, there's no need for further chats. You also have other ranges of Honda there that are called Discussion continued and another car (not sure of the make called Baby Boy.
CATHARTIC
Seeing how people struggle, my extended family members included, served as a cathartic experience for me. I was fussing about Toronto about the lizards, about the boring nightclubs, about the bane and trite people, the boring convos when in the grand scale of things, I had things all twisted the fcuk up! Get your priorities right.
Abs, six pack, big dyck, little dyck, chest, biceps, triceps, negs, game.. NOT IMPORTANT!
Food, water, health! The other shyt is gravy!
For a good portion of my stay, I had to wash with cold water and Imperial Leather soap (that shyt burns the fcuking eyes). The people that were supposed to deliver water to the place I was staying at, didn't show up, so water had to be fetched from the hose outside.
You need perseverance and hope in Nigeria. Things hardly function the way they should. There are delays, strikes (I was there during that fuel subsidy madness which is still going on), people not showing up and this is reflected in the pace of the people and how they face daily obstacles.
There is a certain pace as to how people walk in Nigeria, it's a saunter non rushed pace. They work hard there but they don't rush things since shyt hardly works according to plan. Also if you walk quickly in that heat, you will sweat the palm wine out of your skin pores.
On the good side, you have a lot of people that will look out for you (very family based) and cats will always take you in to at least swallow some garri with them.
I was also treated like a man. Women didn't get out of mouth there. If a woman didn't like what I said, she didn't speak up. If I gave gifts, they said thank you and meant it.
Upon my return there as I stayed in the village, many came up having heard that I had returned (haven't been back there in a minute). One of the younger lizards (I gauge her at 20 something) shook my hand and got down on one knee before me in respect. Cwoooar!! Treated like a fcuking prince.
Then I am going to have 5's step out of line here?
Meals were constantly being offered to me. I approached a few lizards in the village desperately trying to probe for logistics and failing since EVERYONE in the village knew me (the white black boy). Every lizard I tried to put game on countered with respectful dialogue.
I even got to suck a big Igbo nipple in Enugu (but I didn't complete the fcuk).
Strangers would greet me with a good morning/afternoon/evening, depending on the time of the day.
I heard "You are welcome!" and "Happy Christmas" and "Well done" and "You have tried" so many times, I don't know if I will forget it.
I experienced some flakes but compared to Toronto, I was already primed for it and just flowed by and large.
On top of the garri and ora soup, I also had to eat humble pie quite a few times. I relished this and used it to reset my priorities accordingly.
I desperately needed this because I knew Toronto was causing me to get caught up on irrelevant shyt.
FOR THE ROOSHIANS
For some of the dudes here who like to travel solo to other countries armed with just a bankroll (myself included minus the bankroll), Nigeria can be a dangerous country with lots of tribal conflict (remember you are working with 250 different ethnic groups) and it's teeming with pure blacks. If you are looking for mulatto or whatever you get in Brazil and that you get to some degree in DR, then you are SHYT out of luck here. You WILL be meeting up with some aggressive ass. Any white girls that I did see here were washed up by and large and most likely into being rinsed majorly by Nigerians.
All my 'white' logic had to be effectively thrown out of the window. You can't leverage any of that knowledge in Nigeria. I like to leverage technology, Internet to find out how to operate when I am in motion but I had to hustle just to check my mail out there on a basic XP machine.
You can't use the law per se to help you (because there is always an option of paying off the dudes). One may have to change their concept of game on a lizard out there. I tried a gentle neg on an airport lizard and she just met me with a blank look. Nigeria is an in your face society. It's a country of volume and yelling and quarrelling and negotiating.. It's also a country of joy and endless hope.
It's a tough fcuking country. Many places I went to, were absent of AC. Well, these are unsanitary human conditions some of you may cry. Wheelchair access? Unheard of. You can barely get into some places as a human with mutant agility.
I had to jump in a bus that was in motion..no time to stop for passengers.Too fcuking bad.
I'm in decent shape and reasonably strong but I thought for a moment..what if I had an ailment that required some sort of equipment on standby for monitoring purposes? What if I was my friend who has sleep apnea and requires a machine at night to provide him oxygen so he doesn't choke to death?
With Nepa, he'd be dead before day 2.
Again, Naija is a tough country. Those who are alive, were meant to be alive. No special chairs for fat guys, no concessions for morons.
Everyone by and large is an athlete. I mean, when you eat natural food and bush meat from birth, you will always shyt on a protein shake cat in terms of overall functional strength.
Yea, you can bench 325 pounds but can you scale a palm tree to tap palm wine with a raffia belt?
Yea, you can curl 55 pounds for reps but can you go and harvest yam and bring home bush meat off of one plate of fufu with ora soup?
With all that in mention, I will be going back and I will be hitting up some muthafcuking clubs next time. This first time was a taster.
The next time, I am going in.
Glossary:
African salad: Cassava plant boiled and then cut into slender strips and prepared with palm oil.
Ashawo: Pros
Biko: Igbo word for please.
Bushmeat: Usually either a rodent (grasscutter), rabbit or large lizard hunted down for meat. Good lean protein. Obviously not as succulent as fowl with a distinct gamey texture to it.
Garden egg: A bitter eggplant normally consumed with only one dip into some peppery peanut paste.
Harmattan: A time of the year in Nigeria when it is dry season and it is cold (for them) during the morning and you have these dry ass winds sweeping through the lands all day long. These winds usually emanate from the North (Hausa land).
Keke napepe - Motorized tricycles used for taxi services in Nigeria.
Naija - An abbreviation for either Nigeria or Nigerian.
Naira - The Nigerian currency. 1 USD = 160 -165 Naira. If you get a lower rate than 155, you've been serviced by a Wayo man.
Palm wine: A wine obtained from the palm tree. White in appearance and depending on the quality of the palm tree obtained from can be quite sweet. Is alcoholic so will get you licked (drunk) in due fashion. Supposedly rich in yeast which is allegedly good for the eyesight.
Pidgin: Local broken English used for conversing in Nigeria. Due to the fact that there are 250 different languages spoken in the country, the best way to target all the groups is to speak a localized version of English. Speaking perfect English will just get you misunderstood especially as you start to venture further off the beating track into realms where your regular encounters never really did the school route.
Slap officer with Naira: Place money into the hand of authority figure.
The Pond: Atlantic Ocean
Wayo move: A con move, an act with the intent of duping an individual out of desired goods or services.
OUR NEW BLOG!
http://repstylez.com
My NEW TRAVEL E-BOOK - DOMINICAN REPUBLIC - A RED CARPET AFFAIR
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00K53LVR8
Love 'em or leave 'em but we can't live without lizardsssss..
An Ode To Lizards
![[Image: smile.gif]](https://rooshvforum.network/images/smilies/smile.gif)
