[RedKurrant]

I've currently in a LTR with a girl who has no red flags (~6 months in) and treats me very well.

Whilst things are great on the surface, deep down I feel like I have some sort of imposter syndrome; I just don't see why this girl is so in to me. I seem to have fairly low self-esteem and keep thinking she'll come to her senses and eventually leave and/or cheat - after all, aren't all women supposedly hypergamous?

The reason I care so much is that I genuinely think I could go the long haul with her - she has a similar outlook on life to me, is conservative, has a pleasant family, is willing to try different and new things, doesn't use social media at all, was a virgin before I met her etc.

I don't want to fuck this up by letting my insecurities get the better of me. How can I stop worrying about all this and just relax and enjoy the relationship?

Oh and if someone suggests "you need abundance" or something similar, I've never been one to live the player lifestyle; it's just not for me. I came to the forum to learn how I could live a better life - girls were always secondary.

[Investment Bro]

The only way you're going to build the self confidence is over time.

You are right though, if you continue to think this way, it will manifest into physical reality and she will end up leaving you. Chances are, that she will end up doing this anyway. I suspect you are fairly young, and please understand that this is normal. Not all women are hypergamous, but it takes frame and experience to manage women. Especially if these women are LTRs.

The player lifestyle may not be for you, but you're not going to be able to garner the experience you need to boost your confidence without it. You say girls are secondary, but if that's really true, why are you worried about losing this one?

Let me ask you another question: if I told you there was a better, hotter woman who was crazy about you waiting in the wings, would you be worried about losing your LTR? Probably not, right? Abundance is sometimes a surrogate for confidence. There's no fear in losing something you can easily replace.

---

That rant aside, you're suffering from impostor syndrome because you haven't had a girl of this caliber before. She's a first for you. Unfortunately, building the experience to say you can go get something better is going to come with living the player lifestyle to some extent, or at least being fully conscious of the attraction that other women have for you.

What you can do right now though, is get your lifestyle factors on lock. Are you hitting the gym regularly? What does your career situation look like? Do you have a life plan?

Building these areas out in your life will help you to live an awesome life. When you're living an awesome life and achieving in one strata, I have found it carries over well to other areas of your life and makes subsequent achievement easier. Your awesome life will also be your security blanket if the relationship fizzles out and your women skills have not advanced.

Once your lifestyle is on lock, I suggest you really think about why you're afraid. What is the root of this self confidence issue?

[RedKurrant]

(03-19-2019 11:46 AM)Investment Bro Wrote:  

The only way you're going to build the self confidence is over time.

You are right though, if you continue to think this way, it will manifest into physical reality and she will end up leaving you. Chances are, that she will end up doing this anyway. I suspect you are fairly young, and please understand that this is normal. Not all women are hypergamous, but it takes frame and experience to manage women. Especially if these women are LTRs.

The player lifestyle may not be for you, but you're not going to be able to garner the experience you need to boost your confidence without it. You say girls are secondary, but if that's really true, why are you worried about losing this one?

Let me ask you another question: if I told you there was a better, hotter woman who was crazy about you waiting in the wings, would you be worried about losing your LTR? Probably not, right? Abundance is sometimes a surrogate for confidence. There's no fear in losing something you can easily replace.

---

That rant aside, you're suffering from impostor syndrome because you haven't had a girl of this caliber before. She's a first for you. Unfortunately, building the experience to say you can go get something better is going to come with living the player lifestyle to some extent, or at least being fully conscious of the attraction that other women have for you.

What you can do right now though, is get your lifestyle factors on lock. Are you hitting the gym regularly? What does your career situation look like? Do you have a life plan?

Building these areas out in your life will help you to live an awesome life. When you're living an awesome life and achieving in one strata, I have found it carries over well to other areas of your life and makes subsequent achievement easier. Your awesome life will also be your security blanket if the relationship fizzles out and your women skills have not advanced.

Once your lifestyle is on lock, I suggest you really think about why you're afraid. What is the root of this self confidence issue?

Cheers for getting back to me, really appreciate it.

I'm 25 - not sure if that constitutes being young here. So how do you effectively manage women?

I'm worried about losing this one in particular because I've never met someone like her before. All my ex's were either stuck-up cunts or mentally ill. The girl I'm currently seeing is an incredibly rare find - I don't think there are many conservative 23 year old virgins, who don't use social media and have good family relationships. Or maybe there are and that's due to my inexperience. But having lurked on this forum for a good few years, I wouldn't bet on it. And that's just it - I don't think I could find a hotter, better woman, especially in the UK. I'm not prepared to emigrate either as I have family responsibilities.

As for lifestyle, I'm currently overweight (not hugely, but I have a bit of a gut). I did buy a power rack last year but i rarely use it; I lack the discipline to work out regularly. It's the last thing I want to do after work. I tried doing it in the morning for a month or so, but it always made me tired throughout the day and made focusing on my job harder.

I'm working in an OK career and am currently earning just below the average UK salary, but it will never make me rich. I'm also finishing off a masters degree part time - as soon as that's over I intend on starting a business so I can get out of the corporate world and hopefully one day be free.

I would imagine the root cause of all this is a) I grew up without a father (he died shortly after I was born) so I was never taught how to think and act like a man, and b) I was bullied a lot at school because of my hair, and to this day still receive the odd comment here and there, which makes me feel worthless and low value in the eyes of society.

[maharajj]

(03-19-2019 11:24 AM)RedKurrant Wrote:  

deep down I feel like I have some sort of imposter syndrome; I just don't see why this girl is so in to me.

You need to love yourself. The girl will follow you
How to learn to love yourself? whenever you can say to yourself "I love you". You don't need to believe it. But still, say it. Say it loudly, quietly, or in your mind depending on the situation. After a few weeks or months, your entire life (inc. your thoughts about your weight and hair) will re-adjust itself automatically and love you back. This is real magic!

Of course, you still have to continue to *work* on improving yourself - gym, nutrition, money, & hobbies etc.

(03-19-2019 11:24 AM)RedKurrant Wrote:  

The reason I care so much is that I genuinely think I could go the long haul with her - she has a similar outlook on life to me, is conservative, has a pleasant family, is willing to try different and new things, doesn't use social media at all, was a virgin before I met her etc.

I don't want to fuck this up by letting my insecurities get the better of me. How can I stop worrying about all this and just relax and enjoy the relationship?

Fantastic question. Yes, you do need to stop worrying about things you cannot control.

Remember, spend time with your girl only after you've done everything you had to do for the day (work, gym, chores, & hobby etc.) so that you can give her your complete attention. If she asks, tell her about this honestly.

How to give your complete attention? Keep your focus on her. For those few minutes or hours, forget about the world. It's just you and her.
When she is talking (listen to her words, notice her lips move, what happens to her face when she laughs, her facial expression when she tells you something), when she is getting ready (watch her hands move, watch how she dries her hair, watch how she applies her lipstick) etc.

Good luck

[TheFinalEpic]

We've all been where you are right now, stressed out about a girl liking us and wanting her to stick around, but once you realize that the only person you can make do anything is yourself, you start to see that the world around you is what you have manifested. This isn't some new-agey shit - you create the world you live in, and the people that are in your life have chosen to be there because you are a light in the darkness of the world. Those that choose to not be in your life are doing you a favor, the sooner you see that to be true, the sooner you stop caring about what others do.

You even said yourself that you 'came to the forum to learn how I could live a better life - girls were always secondary.' So here are a few things you can do:

1. Start going after what you truly want in life. Everyday, you should be working towards bettering yourself and your situation. You stop caring about if a girl will text you back or leave, and focus on a mission. You stop looking at your phone hoping she texted you. You are the one taking hours to reply to her.

2. Start working out and improving your health, if you haven't already. This will not only better your personal health, it will set an example for her, and those you love. It also will create a sense of dread as she sees you physically improving yourself and getting more attractive.

3. Realize that you are the prize. Yes, you have talked this girl up in your mind. We all do that at times. However, realize that she's only a person and has flaws just as anyone else does. When you are working on yourself and your vision, you will see that you are becoming the prize that people want to be around, and that you are valuable. Right now, you see her as the valuable one, without seeing yourself for the value you create in the world around you. This is everything.

That's my 2 cents.

[RedKurrant]

Maharajj & TheFinalEpic, stellar advice, thank you.

[Robert High Hawk]

A very tangible thing you can do, like something that doesn't even require much deep thinking, is just getting in better shape. I would say that is the number one thing you can do that will have almost immediate and tangible benefits.

Actually don't even worry about getting in better shape, just focus on exercising. The post workout "high" is actually a natural boost of confidence - you did something strenuous! you can be proud of yourself, and that will help your negative thoughts, even if it's just a little.

[luigi]

(03-19-2019 11:24 AM)RedKurrant Wrote:  

I've currently in a LTR with a girl who has no red flags (~6 months in) and treats me very well.

Whilst things are great on the surface, deep down I feel like I have some sort of imposter syndrome; I just don't see why this girl is so in to me. I seem to have fairly low self-esteem and keep thinking she'll come to her senses and eventually leave and/or cheat - after all, aren't all women supposedly hypergamous?

The reason I care so much is that I genuinely think I could go the long haul with her - she has a similar outlook on life to me, is conservative, has a pleasant family, is willing to try different and new things, doesn't use social media at all, was a virgin before I met her etc.

I don't want to fuck this up by letting my insecurities get the better of me. How can I stop worrying about all this and just relax and enjoy the relationship?

Oh and if someone suggests "you need abundance" or something similar, I've never been one to live the player lifestyle; it's just not for me. I came to the forum to learn how I could live a better life - girls were always secondary.

We have this saying in spain: go for it, you already have the "no"

Girls that are worth keeping are very hard to find. You seem to have found one.

If you are negative and afraid you wont put much energy and your thoughts that she might dump you will become reality.

Be a fighter in life and invest your time with this girl, and most importantly enjoy.

[RatInTheWoods]

A woman can leave you in a heartbeat. Any time, any place.

All she has to say is "we are done" and walk away.

It doesn't matter if you have been married for 25 years, or been dating for 2 days.

She can, and will leave in a heartbeat.

You have to base all your lives decisions and long term strategies on that very important and fundamental fact.

Always remember this, keep it in the front of your mind at all times.

She isn't yours, it's just your turn.

[FullThrottleTX]

OP, Focus on what you want. If you want to settle down with this chick, do it.
If you aren't ready, don't just because you think you won't find someone else. Fear should never motivate you either way.

It's really that simple.

I've let good girls go just because it wasn't my time to settle with them, I was doing them a favor. That's fine. But don't let go of it because you've got a lot of salty guys on the forum telling you "all women will cheat or screw you over eventually". It's just not true... Too much negativity frankly. What's with all the nihilistic thinking lately.

Unless you've experienced it yourself, it isn't true. Not every guy has the same experiences with women. Some guys never learn how to keep them in line. Seems like you've made some progress in attracting the good ones. Can always happen again!

[Hombre de hielo]

Put in your head that we are all born alone and we die alone!

The woman being a virgin or not, makes little difference, the female mind is the same!