[flyinghorse]

What can you do from sinking into depression?

Shit that went down for me:

-Moved to a new country for a new job. Upon arriving they tell me the recruiter offered my salary as net when it was gross. This meant my wage would be about 30% lower than expected.

-Lose bank card and have no money for 4 days.

-Heater goes in the Airbnb and spend days freezing in an apartment because the owners out of town.

-Decide to turn the job because the wage would only see me breaking even.

-Didn't get paid by my last job (but they said its delayed because I changed banks)

-I'd blown 3 or 4 thousand dollars making this move.

Positive steps I've made:

-Got my old job back in asia

-booked flights and getting my old home back.

(tried tinder and got matches and conversations but felt too down to go out)

Extra fucks ups:

-Found out my visa for my old country expires in October and I threw out all my legal documents (notarized degree's and other qualifications). Now If i'm lucky I can get this apostilled at the cost of 200 dollars, but at worst I may have to fly back home from asia and get these documents legalized (which would cost close to 2000 dollars, inc. flights).



Currently just laying in bed like a fucking loser for the past week feeling bleak (considered suicide before my old job took me back and that was a life line for me). Feeling I've blown 70% of my savings to get all this bad luck is crippling. I'm just clinging on because I fly back to asia in 3 days and start my job again in 3 weeks (after that it should get better, but scared this feeling will live with me for a while).

Anyone else get through this?

[scorpion]

So you lost some money. Imagine an alternate scenario: upon leaving the airport you got run over by a bus and woke up in the hospital paralyzed from the neck down.

You lost some money. That's it. You can always make more money. Be thankful for the blessings you currently enjoy that many would kill for. If you're still young and healthy the world is your oyster. Don't lose sight of that.

[porscheguy]

Take all of this negative shit and chalk it up to lessons learned the hard way. You can play the victim, or you can take responsibility. Now you know what questions to ask. Now you know what to look out for. If you take the responsibility route, these problems shouldn’t plague you in the future.

[Borges]

I'm sorry to hear that, man. It sounds like the recruiter is a real piece of shit, and the arrangement he set up for you was a borderline scam.

Sometimes I go through periods in life where nothing seems to go well. Just a stream of bad luck. Unfortunate things piling on top of each other. It happens, and it's always a bitch when it happens.

I guess the main thing to keep in mind is that it gets better. And you've already made arrangements for that to happen. Now it's a matter of soldiering on. Keep doing the positive things you're doing, and wait until this bad moment goes away. It will.

Something I try to remind myself when I'm going through difficult times is how incredibly blessed I am compared to a lot of people. I have two arms, two legs, no serious physical problems, intelligence. I can work and make money and travel. So many people are born with disabilities, or in crippling poverty. Often when I think about that I conclude that I have no right to complain. Yeah, things could be better. But they're already so good. Just for being myself, I have all the tools and resources to improve my condition. Even if I lose everything I have and need to start over, I'm in a really privileged position compared to a lot of the world.

It's also helpful to think about bad circumstances as experience. Yeah, it's a pain in the ass, but you're living. Going through hardships allows you to learn and grow as a man. You can think about the things you did wrong and make it so it doesn't happen again. And your skin gets a little thicker. It's growth.

To deal with the "wait", there are some things you can do. One thing I find really important is talking to friends and family. You don't even need to tell them about your problems. Just call them or text them and joke around, ask them about their day, whatever. It puts you in a good mood.

Another thing is relaxing. This is very personal. Maybe you can buy some beer and watch a sitcom you like. Maybe you can play sports. Maybe you can get a massage. It doesn't matter, but treat yourself to something. Do it every day if needed. It will take your mind off these problems and give you some perspective.

[Caduceus]

[Cadders]

Always, everywhere, anywhen, just take a deep breath and remember;

This too will pass.

Whether you are having the time of your life or in the deepest pit.

It will pass.

You just have to keep moving forward. Take things one step at a time. Fly back. Restart your old job. Sort out re-acquiring your certifications. There is nothing here that you can't come back from. As others have said - it's just bloody money, and, I suspect, wounded pride.

You'll soon be earning more money. As for pride - who cares? Only you. Let it go. Then soon enough you will be out of the shit. Sometimes it feels like it will take a Herculean effort. And sometimes it will. But failure is not the getting knocked down - it's the not getting back up.

Just keep moving forward. This will pass and you will overcome this. And then you'll have something to be genuinely proud of.

[loremipsum]

(01-22-2019 10:49 AM)Super Average Man Wrote:  

I'm sorry to hear that, man. It sounds like the recruiter is a real piece of shit, and the arrangement he set up for you was a borderline scam.

Sometimes I go through periods in life where nothing seems to go well. Just a stream of bad luck. Unfortunate things piling on top of each other. It happens, and it's always a bitch when it happens.

I guess the main thing to keep in mind is that it gets better. And you've already made arrangements for that to happen. Now it's a matter of soldiering on. Keep doing the positive things you're doing, and wait until this bad moment goes away. It will.

Something I try to remind myself when I'm going through difficult times is how incredibly blessed I am compared to a lot of people. I have two arms, two legs, no serious physical problems, intelligence. I can work and make money and travel. So many people are born with disabilities, or in crippling poverty. Often when I think about that I conclude that I have no right to complain. Yeah, things could be better. But they're already so good. Just for being myself, I have all the tools and resources to improve my condition. Even if I lose everything I have and need to start over, I'm in a really privileged position compared to a lot of the world.

It's also helpful to think about bad circumstances as experience. Yeah, it's a pain in the ass, but you're living. Going through hardships allows you to learn and grow as a man. You can think about the things you did wrong and make it so it doesn't happen again. And your skin gets a little thicker. It's growth.

To deal with the "wait", there are some things you can do. One thing I find really important is talking to friends and family. You don't even need to tell them about your problems. Just call them or text them and joke around, ask them about their day, whatever. It puts you in a good mood.

Another thing is relaxing. This is very personal. Maybe you can buy some beer and watch a sitcom you like. Maybe you can play sports. Maybe you can get a massage. It doesn't matter, but treat yourself to something. Do it every day if needed. It will take your mind off these problems and give you some perspective.

Very good post. I agree 100%. We take health for granted until we lose it.
I don't think people acknowledge the presence of death and gruesome reality as much nowadays since medical technology is good and everyone lives in their own bubble. That causes people to give a shit about so much unnecessary stuff.

[Horus]

(01-22-2019 09:32 AM)flyinghorse Wrote:  

Currently just laying in bed like a fucking loser for the past week feeling bleak (considered suicide before my old job took me back and that was a life line for me).

Few things can amplify and compound feelings of self loathing than lying in bed. I know that that's all you feel like doing right now and it feels comforting in some way, but understand that things can only get worse from the comfort of your bed.

To some people who have't experienced what you're feeling now, it seems ridiculous that you would stay in bed for a week, wallowing in your misery. And some time from now when this has passed and you look back at this time in your life, it will also seem ridiculous to you. This doesn't negate the very real fact that right now, simply getting out of bed requires a monumental amount of effort.

Just do it. Don't think about it, just do it. Get up and make a decision that you will not retreat to your bed until it is time to sleep.

You probably haven't had a shower in a couple of days. Have a shower, shave and make yourself look and feel presentable. Put on a clean set of clothes.

Go out. Go for a walk. Get something to eat.

When feelings of self pity enter your head, acknoweldge these feelings. Don't judge these feelings as good or bad, just acknoweldge them. It doesn't matter how irrational these feelings are. These feelings exist whether you like it or not, and in the short term, these feelings aren't going away. Look at these feelings as a curiosity. Imagine you are a detached from your brain, and just observe your feelings. Don't judge, just observe. These feelings are part of who you are at this moment, and in the passage of time these feelings will be a distant memory. When you pass through this place in your life and come out on the other side, you will understand that his period in time was an important time in your life which made your a stronger person.

Get up now. Shower and put on some clothes. Go out and eat.

Post here tomorrow.

[Atlanta Man]

I know shit seems difficult right now and it is very easy feel like god himself has it in for you- but you are in a rough patch and everything is magnified as it does not go your way.

I hate to be that dude but-You absolutely will get through this, you will look back on this setback in a year and be surprised how much it got you down. You will be a better man for having gone through this, and if you come through this with a healthy response and proactive behavior-even better.

I am not a Hallmark card-Your situation sucks and I am sorry you had to eat a financial setback-However you are healthy, your financial situation is not so terrible that you cannot come back from it, and you recognize the world is not ending.

I promise you in time this will barely register as a blip in the lifetime that is you.

[heavy]

The worst thing you could do is nothing. The last place you want to be is still thinking about this loss a year from now.

Our brains have an amazing ability of forgetting failures (bad luck) if we've moved on. When we move on, our brains focus on today, tomorrow, and the future. If you don't move on, your brain will continue focusing on the past.

Move. Move. Move. Keep moving. Move on. The first thing you should do in the midst of this shit is go outside and move. Go run, lift, something. Now, after the failures, move on to another projects. Find some small projects to be productive. Then maybe a bigger one.

Keep moving.

(This is based on my experience from the last two years. I steeped in a failure for just over a year (where I lost more money that you're talking about). In the last couple months I've started moving. Embracing the struggles, as David Goggins would say. I'm 10x more productive, and I'm far more healthy psychologically and emotionally.)

[Horus]

(01-22-2019 11:32 AM)Atlanta Man Wrote:  

I promise you in time this will barely register as a blip in the lifetime that is you.

That right there is the most important piece of wisdom for anyone in your state of mind.

This too will pass, as hippie chicks love to say. It's true.

Embrace this time in your life and allow this process to make you a stronger man.

[The Father]

In my experience, the more bad shit you go through, the tougher and more immune to it you get. When i was in my teens/20's, any little thing that didn't go according to plan through me into a tizzy. When my marriage fell apart, i was badly depressed. Job losses (mostly due to feminist bosses/employees/coworkers and the hostile anti-male environment, which is 180 degrees from when i started working) cost me a small fortune. But each time i grew more resilient. I learned to AVOID these situations to begin with, and how to better deal with them when they do happen. I'm much tougher now.

So this experience may help thicken your hide, which you're going to need as a man in this world.

[Heightcel]

Bro,

Realize the fact that since you're able to post on this forum you basically drew double kings at birth..

A fact we often forget, including me.

[christpuncher]

Most men throughout history could expect to work the entirety of their life until their early death, the last half of which was spent in constant pain because of injuries or diseases... And if they managed to somehow save up any money at all, it was likely stolen from them several times throughout their lifetime, either by violent robbery from thugs or by official confiscation by whoever was in charge.

You'll manage, there's still lots of promise out there for you yet.

[redpillage]

1) Hit the gym and push yourself until you almost puke.
2) Take a cold shower (I'm not kidding)
3) Meditate - I recommend simple Zen meditation, search online.
4) Take a good look at some handicapped person and especially someone with a genetic disease. Consider how fucking lucky you are to not be this guy/gal.
5) Consider that shit happens for a reason and the universe is testing you. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and cherish the fact that whatever is coming next will be awesome and much better than now.

I'm an old dog and have been through all the things you listed and more. Believe me when I tell you that all your problems can be fixed. Losing a leg or an arm is a life changing event and nothing is ever the same after that. Aren't you glad that didn't happen to you?

Your pain threshold is too low. This is a great opportunity for you to man up.

Good luck.

[flyinghorse]

The thing that made it harder to swallow was that most of it is bad luck - from not getting paid on time, to my bank card going missing, to the heating in the house going at minus 2 celcius, to the job scam and so on. When things have gone wrong previously it was always my fault, like the injury from crashing my motorbike, getting an std, almost getting fired for pulling a sickie for new years.

I've almost become paranoid that it is bad luck and not coincidence - illogical but I think its maybe a coping mechanism to deal with the unknown.

I appreciate all this support though. Its comforting to know many of you have been in a similar position.

I worked out today the cost of all this financially between 5 and 7 thousand dollars. It takes me about 6 months to save that; so in a way its cost me 6 months of my life (so it could be worse).

[ChicagoFire]

This happens to everyone. You just have to keep marching on. Conversely good times don't always last either.

Only you can make the most of your life.

[BostonBMW]

I don't have much to add as you have been given some excellent advice already. I have been through periods of bad luck/things not going my way and I have been frustrated/angry/sad but then I realized that what is done is done -- in the past, I can't change it, I need to pick up and get back on track. Remember, as long as there is there is life, there is opportunity to make things right.

Don't get stuck in that state of despair!

[RatInTheWoods]

Read this, and MAN UP


Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul.

[RatInTheWoods]

Or Watch this:

[The Grey]

Been through much worse. Stop feeling sorry for yourself, figure out how to solve your shit, solve your shit and live another day. Just focus on getting it done. The bad things happened, wishing for an alternative reality only steals from your future self. Focus on solutions to your problem > problem.

Experiences like these are necessary to improve your ability to make good decisions.

[Heuristics]

Well depression is a chemical imbalance or it can be situational. I’ll address both. You need to get out of your head though, sounds like you’re just going through a rough patch.

As I see it you have two routes really if you want to deal with depression depression. This is just advise, not a doctor or medical professional.

A)pharmaceuticals—There is plenty of literature out there about what they do, or how they neurologically change your brain. Some people have serious depression, and some of them take meds their whole lives—can’t really comment.

B) Correcting the imbalance yourself. Waking up daily at a regular time, getting out of bed, going to work out, thinking positive thoughts, socializing, becoming religious or meditating. Eating healthy, limiting screen time, worrying about only what you CAN control, etc. Stop being a victim and realize your blessings, there are many.

In regard to your specific situation

-Lower pay than you wanted. This happens all the time so I wouldn’t feel too bad.

-Lose bank card. Get a second or use cash, you’ll never make the same mistake again. Or have friends PayPal you, that’s what friends/ family are for. The experience will make you tougher.

-Heater. This is low level shit. Complain to landlords if it’s worth getting some money back.

-Lack of pay. Out of you control largely. Don’t worry about it. Find a way to hustle if you need more money.

-Visa- See if it can be handled without travel. That’s my best advise. If not, weigh pros and cons.

Get out of fucking bed. Seriously. Jobs don’t matter at the end of the day you’ll look back later and see lack of a job as just a blip on your whole life. Your self-worth isn’t derived from your job anyway, that is if you have a proper conception of self.

Blown savings—happens all the time, even to some seasoned travelers. Hell, at least you’re not bankrupt because of medical bills. That happens to people all the time in the US. If you’re living abroad you’re living your dream (or you should be), so realize there are inconveniences, but that happens to many expat/ traveller.

I have so many crazy things that happened when I was abroad,I could write a book. At the end of the day you’ll realize they were part of what made the whole experience fun, and an opportunity for self-growth.

The worst thing you can do abroad is isolate yourself in your apartment. Go enjoy the park or something if you lack money.

When I had low moments abroad, I just remembered that “This is what I want to be doing, and most people will never get to do what I did.”

There are all small problems. Plenty of people abroad end up in jail for warranted or unwarranted reasons. Be happy you're not in jail. Some foreign jails are pretty rough. Be happy you didn't get sick and had to be medically evacuated out of the country. This happens too.

Be happy you're not a foreigner who is a victim of targeted (because of your nationality, appearance) / non-targeted crime. Plenty of people die in freak accidents etc while abroad.

[Bienvenuto]

I kind of felt like you were taking a long shot moving to Eastern Europe/ the Balkans..

Its the Vietnam rollercoaster writ Global. Call it the TEFL-world world-wide rollercoaster

Ive been thru exactly what you talk about recently - International western staffed Tefl school promised me 43 Million VND salary. Paid me 24 Million VND month by month..
Complained.
They said the government took in 'tax'. Bullshit.
Took them up on the issue. The British American Aussie soy boy faggots just threatened to withhold my pay. So many fantasies about giving them the hiding they deserved.

I think there is something to be said about points of failure and fall back. You weathered this because you built a reasonable fall back fund. So many people have no real financial understanding or resources. Maybe this is a financial red pill for you that means you will leave us low-energy low-output TEFL teachers living like middle aged frat boys behind you in your wake as you set about making this set-back a set-up for your financial future and you start building toward financial independence.

So many things go wrong.

I say this not to shame you or one up you but rather 'there but for the grace of god go I..'. My fucking moped key fell out of the ignition driving along at 40mph the other day. tiny little thing. only one I had. went back and it somehow stood out to the naked eye on the side of the dusty road.
Water supply fucked up in my house. Neighbours opposite me are racist 'young buffalo' gang members that yell fuck you! every time they see me. I almost got in a fight with them the other day. No matter what happened I would have ended up battered.
This morning I just posted on the forum that I was run out of town by an armed gang in a local village when I turned up to pick up my coffee date.

The reason why I felt pretty relaxed about it was I survived a hands on attempt to kill me by several people once.

That fucked up my life for years after. But made it easier to weather this little incident.

The impression I got is that you worked for a school called (acronym) rhymes with CIA. I went out to Vietnam to work for them without any notarised docs and they waited for me to get mine sent home and done. Pretty flexible.

I know a notary that I can do it for you by post. I'll PM you the details.

It happens mate. I ended up broke and shafted in a hick town with no friends surrounded by racists and locals that laughed in my face. I googled how to commit suicide for the first time in years and years. The mind proliferates and goes on a downward spiral on the back of even tiny things. At least it can for me..

I posted before about a flat mate from hell that I lived with.. very needy ex-boxer. I updated the thread recently saying that we had both gone on to better things.
This week I found out he'd had a stroke. Spoke to his Mum. He's in a Viet hospital in his thirties with his memory gone. Keeps thinking that a long gone ex-girlfriend should be coming to visit him..

I knew I was overdoing my own suffering compared to that but it took this morning's brush with reality to wake me up to it.

You're not alone. You're not the only one going through this by any stretch.

The others are right, it will pass..

But..

The trick is to achieve what you want to make happen whilst all that time is passing.

[flyinghorse]

(01-23-2019 12:50 AM)Heuristics Wrote:  

Well depression is a chemical imbalance or it can be situational. I’ll address both. You need to get out of your head though, sounds like you’re just going through a rough patch.

As I see it you have two routes really if you want to deal with depression depression. This is just advise, not a doctor or medical professional.

A)pharmaceuticals—There is plenty of literature out there about what they do, or how they neurologically change your brain. Some people have serious depression, and some of them take meds their whole lives—can’t really comment.

B) Correcting the imbalance yourself. Waking up daily at a regular time, getting out of bed, going to work out, thinking positive thoughts, socializing, becoming religious or meditating. Eating healthy, limiting screen time, worrying about only what you CAN control, etc. Stop being a victim and realize your blessings, there are many.

In regard to your specific situation

-Lower pay than you wanted. This happens all the time so I wouldn’t feel too bad.

-Lose bank card. Get a second or use cash, you’ll never make the same mistake again. Or have friends PayPal you, that’s what friends/ family are for. The experience will make you tougher.

-Heater. This is low level shit. Complain to landlords if it’s worth getting some money back.

-Lack of pay. Out of you control largely. Don’t worry about it. Find a way to hustle if you need more money.

-Visa- See if it can be handled without travel. That’s my best advise. If not, weigh pros and cons.

Get out of fucking bed. Seriously. Jobs don’t matter at the end of the day you’ll look back later and see lack of a job as just a blip on your whole life. Your self-worth isn’t derived from your job anyway, that is if you have a proper conception of self.

Blown savings—happens all the time, even to some seasoned travelers. Hell, at least you’re not bankrupt because of medical bills. That happens to people all the time in the US. If you’re living abroad you’re living your dream (or you should be), so realize there are inconveniences, but that happens to many expat/ traveller.

I have so many crazy things that happened when I was abroad,I could write a book. At the end of the day you’ll realize they were part of what made the whole experience fun, and an opportunity for self-growth.

The worst thing you can do abroad is isolate yourself in your apartment. Go enjoy the park or something if you lack money.

When I had low moments abroad, I just remembered that “This is what I want to be doing, and most people will never get to do what I did.”

There are all small problems. Plenty of people abroad end up in jail for warranted or unwarranted reasons. Be happy you're not in jail. Some foreign jails are pretty rough. Be happy you didn't get sick and had to be medically evacuated out of the country. This happens too.

Be happy you're not a foreigner who is a victim of targeted (because of your nationality, appearance) / non-targeted crime. Plenty of people die in freak accidents etc while abroad.

Thanks, man. Its definitely situational depression over some chemical imbalance. The only other times I've been like this is when I had reasons (made redundant etc).

I have been functioning on a base level: I've kept clean, cooked, and sent out emails to get my old job back and make sure my visas are ok.

I fly to Thailand in a few days and i'm hoping that will shock my back into life.

[flyinghorse]

(01-23-2019 02:38 AM)Bienvenuto Wrote:  

I kind of felt like you were taking a long shot moving to Eastern Europe/ the Balkans..

Its the Vietnam rollercoaster writ Global. Call it the TEFL-world world-wide rollercoaster

Ive been thru exactly what you talk about recently - International western staffed Tefl school promised me 43 Million VND salary. Paid me 24 Million VND month by month..
Complained.
They said the government took in 'tax'. Bullshit.
Took them up on the issue. The British American Aussie soy boy faggots just threatened to withhold my pay. So many fantasies about giving them the hiding they deserved.

I think there is something to be said about points of failure and fall back. You weathered this because you built a reasonable fall back fund. So many people have no real financial understanding or resources. Maybe this is a financial red pill for you that means you will leave us low-energy low-output TEFL teachers living like middle aged frat boys behind you in your wake as you set about making this set-back a set-up for your financial future and you start building toward financial independence.

So many things go wrong.

I say this not to shame you or one up you but rather 'there but for the grace of god go I..'. My fucking moped key fell out of the ignition driving along at 40mph the other day. tiny little thing. only one I had. went back and it somehow stood out to the naked eye on the side of the dusty road.
Water supply fucked up in my house. Neighbours opposite me are racist 'young buffalo' gang members that yell fuck you! every time they see me. I almost got in a fight with them the other day. No matter what happened I would have ended up battered.
This morning I just posted on the forum that I was run out of town by an armed gang in a local village when I turned up to pick up my coffee date.

The reason why I felt pretty relaxed about it was I survived a hands on attempt to kill me by several people once.

That fucked up my life for years after. But made it easier to weather this little incident.

The impression I got is that you worked for a school called (acronym) rhymes with CIA. I went out to Vietnam to work for them without any notarised docs and they waited for me to get mine sent home and done. Pretty flexible.

I know a notary that I can do it for you by post. I'll PM you the details.

It happens mate. I ended up broke and shafted in a hick town with no friends surrounded by racists and locals that laughed in my face. I googled how to commit suicide for the first time in years and years. The mind proliferates and goes on a downward spiral on the back of even tiny things. At least it can for me..

I posted before about a flat mate from hell that I lived with.. very needy ex-boxer. I updated the thread recently saying that we had both gone on to better things.
This week I found out he'd had a stroke. Spoke to his Mum. He's in a Viet hospital in his thirties with his memory gone. Keeps thinking that a long gone ex-girlfriend should be coming to visit him..

I knew I was overdoing my own suffering compared to that but it took this morning's brush with reality to wake me up to it.

You're not alone. You're not the only one going through this by any stretch.

The others are right, it will pass..

But..

The trick is to achieve what you want to make happen whilst all that time is passing.

Wow, small world regarding that company. They're the ones i'm going back to. They told me my visa is safe until October and I can re-apply for all my documents in July so it will be ready to re-apply for the visa in the autumn. I know I am lucky in the sense that I've got this company who will help me out and are pretty reliable.

Sorry about your mate who had a stroke - that and paralysis are two of my biggest fears.

As to suicide - I guess most of us have considered it at some point. My solution was to take sleeping pills on a freezing mountain and just never wake up (don't want to cause a mess jumping off a roof or end up a cabbage with a fucked up overdose).

Feel free to send me that pm btw - although I have seen a company online who notarise and then send the document to the Vietnamese embassy for 150 pounds so that seems a fair deal.