I highly recommend this book, Never Split the Difference; Negotiating as if your life depended on it, by Chris Voss. It is an excellent guide to negotiation, and it may be one of the most valuable books to Game since Neil Strauss' the Game. I think its better than Cialdini's Influence, a book I recommend often.
Voss is a former FBI hostage negotiator with a style of negotiation that considers feelings and emotions and assumes the other side is irrational. In contrast to rational and technical Harvard-style negotiation, the FBI has adapted psychologists’ behavioral change stairway model.
The method is built on the Behavioral Change Staircase Method, which is what psychiatrists use. You have to accept the other side as they are. You have to empathize with them, and make them feel understood. Once you accomplish this, then you give them the illusion of control by asking them open ended questions, such as "How am I supposed to do that?" You are subtly recruiting them to problem solve for the both of you.
The mistake most people make in a negotiation is they do all this logical work and try to force the other side to accept their logic. What you have to do is accept the other side first. Once they feel accepted and understood, then you ask them to help solve the problem. Since the solution the propose is theirs, they will accept it. But once they are engaged in solving the problem, and they believe they are controlling the conversation, you can direct them by asking open ended questions where the answer lies in the direction of what you want to accomplish.
I liked this book so much, and expect it to be useful to me in the future, that I read it a second time and took notes. The notes are a summary of the key principles of the book, but the book does a great job with examples and illustrations. So some of what I noted below won't make sense unless you have read the book.
Below are my detailed notes.
Asking questions gives your counterpart the illusion of control and converts them to solving problems on your behalf. Just ask the same 3 or 4 questions over and over again. For example, How am I supposed to do that? How do I know he (hostage) is alive? I’m sorry, but how can I get you any money now, let alone $1 million, if I don’t even know he’s alive?
Take advantage of human irrationality. We have two ways of thinking, fast (emotionally) and slow (rationally). This was a book by Kahneman. We react emotionally, and then use our logical mind to justify how we acted. (Cialdini consistency principle). So use your counterpart’s emotions and feelings to frame your statements to modify their response. By actively listening to your counterpart you demonstrate empathy. When individuals feel listened to, they tend to become less oppositional/defensive and more willing to listen to other points of view.
Negotiation can be summarized as Information Gathering Information + Behavior Modification.
Chapter 2
Have multiple hypotheses regarding your counterpart’s motivations, constraints, resources, etc., then seek to test these by asking questions. Have a mindset of discovery. Often, everything you think you know is wrong. Have extra ears to pick up clues – have a negotiating partner or record the negotiations and play back. This is important because most people approach a negotiation so preoccupied by their own arguments that they are not able to listen attentively.
Early on, make your sole focus listening to the other person and what they have to say. Validate their emotions.
Going too fast can be a mistake. Don’t be in a hurry. Let the other side dictate timing. This is especially important when they are agitated, since slowing down means calming down, and the passage of time is correlated with comfort.
Your demeanor and delivery are the easiest things you can change and have the greatest immediate impact. Try to radiate warmth and acceptance. Smile. Use a deep, slow, soft, reassuring voice, like a late-night DJ. You can use your voice to reach into a person’s head and flip a switch. Think of the encounter as a fun game; that way, no matter how hard you push you’ll have a smile and a playful demeanor. Once your counterpart is in a positive frame of mind, they will be more likely to collaborate and problem solve.
Chapter 3 Mirroring.
Mirror words, nothing else. Not delivery, body language, accent, etc. Just the words.
Repeat the last 3 words, or 1-3 critical words.
When emotions escalate, it’s important that you keep your calm.
The key to negotiating is not being right, but rather having the right mindset to get inside your counterpart’s head.
How to confront without being confrontational:
•Use the late-night DJ voice
•I’m sorry, you want 2 copies?
•Mirror
•3 seconds of silence.
•Repeat.
Mirror implies “please help me understand” or “what do you mean by that?”
Labeling
Don’t feel their pain, label it.
Label their emotions, and then influence their emotions.
•It seems like . . ..
•I’m hearing that . . .
•It looks like . . ..
•It appears that . . ..
Then be silent and listen.
Recognize the perspective of your counterpart and vocalize it.
Hypothesize what your counterpart is worried about, and label it.
Exposing their fears and negative thoughts to daylight makes those fears seem less frightening. A label’s power is it invites the other person to reveal info about themselves. Labeling is a tactic, not a strategy.
Acknowledge the other person’s anger and acknowledge that you are a jerk. Acknowledge your mistakes. It’s like the opening argument by defense counsel in a trial.
The best way to deal with negativity is to observe it, without reaction, and without judgment. Consciously label each negative feeling and replace it with positive, compassionate, solution-based thoughts.
People need to feel that they are understood. Labels either make people feel understood, or invite them to clarify to the point that they are understood.
Labels help to uncover and identify the primary emotion driving almost all of your counterpart’s behavior, the emotion that once acknowledged seems to miraculously solve everything else.
Do an accusation audit - list everything terrible the other side might possibly say or feel about you. I acknowledge that you believe that . . . . What else is there that you feel is important to add to this? This often elicits misconceptions that can be cleared up.
Subtly shift the onus of offering a solution to the other guy. This works because then its his idea.
Reasons why a person will not make a deal with you are often more powerful than why they will make a deal, so its important to empathize with your counterpart and identify barriers before inviting solutions.
List your counterpart’s fears to diffuse their power.
Chapter 4 – Master the Power of “No.”
Pushing hard for a yes gets you no closer to success, and simply angers the other side. Beware of counterfeit “yes’s, because people won’t follow through and you don’t really have an agreement.
In contrast, “no” can be pure gold. It provides an oasis of control to your counterpart from which they can clarify what they want. After the other party says no, they feel relaxed and protected and can then safely devise a solution. No starts the negotiation.
•“What would it take to get to yes?”
•What about this doesn’t work for you?
•What would you need to make it work?
•It seems like there is something here that bothers you.
Framing a question to seek a No answer can be effective:
•Ask “Is now a bad time to talk?” It typically triggers either a Yes, but let’s talk at a different time, or No, let’s talk now.
•Do you really want the department to get embarrassed?
•Do you want me to do what you just asked me first, and de-prioritize other matters?
•Have you given up on resolving this amicably?
•Are you willing to lose X by doing Y?
By pushing for a No, you nudge your counterpart into a zone where he feels like he is making the decision.
Sometimes you have to mislabel their emotion as something absurd—It sounds like you want to leave your job – in order to force a no response.
For example, frame things in terms of a loss, because we have an irrational fear of loss.
Another way is to ask a party what the know they don’t want. “I don’t want a house with a big yard, because I don’t want to be responsible for yard work.”
In every negotiation, results come from someone else’s decision.
Don’t be ignored.
•Have you given up on this project?
•Is this not a priority for you?
Remind yourself that its rude of the other person to ignore you.
Persuasion is about the other party convincing themselves that the solution you want is their idea. So ask them questions that open paths to your goals.
5. That’s Right!
Real change can only happen when a therapist accepts the client as he or she is.
Since society’s approval is conditional, most people hide who they really are and how they really think and feel, and disclose as little as possible.
Try to understand how your counterpart arrived that their position/figure. This can convey valuable information about their belief system.
Eventually, summarize your counterpart’s views, grips, priorities, grievances, fears, objectives etc. You don’t have to agree with them, but summarize/paraphrase where they are coming from and say it back to them. Work towards getting a “That’s right” from them. Use pauses to let them drain the emotional swamp. Use OK’s, uh huh, keep going, I see, etc. to keep them flowing. Mirror them – last 3 words. Then label – it seems so unfair, I see why you are upset. But be careful, “You’re right” is the worst possible answer.
6. Bend their reality.
There is always leverage, because when negotiation is over for one side its over for the other side too.
Deadlines make people say and do things that are against their best interest.
Most deadlines are imaginary or at least flexible.
No deal is better than a bad deal.
Splitting the difference satisfies neither side.
When people issue threats, they consciously or subconsciously create loopholes they intend to exploit.
Hiding your deadline increases the risk of an impasse.
If you approach negotiation thinking the other side thinks like you, that is not empathy, that’s projecting.
The F-word (fair)
•I just want what’s fair.
oImplies that the other side is unfair.
oAccusing the other side of being unfair may rattle them.
oIf you are on the receiving end of this, then say OK, lets stop and go back to where I started treating you unfairly and we’ll fix it.
•We’ve given you a fair offer
oImplies the other side needs to prove un-fairness
oIf you are on the receiving end of this, then say It seems like you are ready to provide evidence that your offer was fair.
•I want you to feel like you are being treated fairly, so please stop me if you feel like I’m being unfair, and we’ll address it.
Discover their emotional drivers, and couch your statements in terms of them
•A babysitter doesn’t sell her time, she sells a night out
•A locksmith doesn’t sell locks, he sells security
People over-value certainty.
To get real leverage, you have to persuade them they have something concrete to lose if the deal falls through.
Anchor their emotions.
•Accusation audit
•Set low expectations
•Reframe their thinking from their ask to your exit, in other words, what they have to lose.
Let the other guy go first. Neither side has perfect info. But psychologically prepare yourself for the other guy’s extreme anchor. Respond by establishing a range.
They’ll be inclined to take the bottom of your range, so set the bottom of your range as your ask.
Pivot to non-monetary terms.
•Anchor them with your high ask, then offer them favorable non-monetary terms
•Alternatively, ask for non-monetary items that you value more highly.
•Brainstorm what the other side can do for you that costs them little
•Brainstorm what I can do for that is valuable to the other side that costs me little.
Use odd numbers to convey thoughtful calculation, non-temporary.
Throw in a free gift -- $4,751 plus a free CD player. Conveys finality.
Negotiate your salary
•Be persistent on non-salary terms, e.g. vacation
•Discuss the definition of success, including the metrics for your next raise.
Agreeing to the metrics costs them nothing, and the salary increase will pay for itself.
•Ask, what does it take be successful here? The idea is to recruit them to be your mentor.
7 Create the Illusion of Control.
Successful negotiation is coaxing, not overcoming; its getting your counterpart to do the work for you and to suggest the solution himself. Give him the illusion of control while you are the one in fact defining the conversation.
To do this, use calibrated open-end questions.
•Remove hostility from statements
•Change “You can’t leave” to “What do you expect to accomplish by leaving?”
•How do I know the hostage is still alive and unharmed?
There is always a team on the other side behind your counterpart; consider who the other stakeholders are. If your negotiation efforts don’t reach past your counterpart to his team, then all you have his hope.
Avoid a showdown
Avoid a tit-for-tat mentality
Focus on trying to see things from their perspective, rather than trying to force them to see things from your perspective.
Use the word “how,” because it engages and asks for help. It flips the script.
Unbelief is the friction that keeps persuasion in check. Our job as persuaders is easier than we think. Its not to get others believing what we say. Its just to stop them unbelieving. Once we achieve that, the game is half-won.
Best question is How Am I Supposed To Do That?
Pretty much only use What or How questions. Use why only in the sense of why would you ever change your current practices, what would make you switch to a competitor?
•How am I supposed to do that?
•How can we make this better for both of us?
•What about this is important to you?
•How can we solve this problem?
•How would you like me to proceed?
Tone of voice is important. Need to have the tone where you are asking for assistance, rather than communicating No.
The key to getting people to see things your way is not to confront them on their views (You can’t do that!) but to acknowledge their ideas openly (I acknowledge that you are pissed off) and then guide them toward solving the problem (what do you hope to accomplish?)
The secret to gaining the upper hand in negotiations is to give the other side the illusion of control. Calibrated questions do this by giving them the illusion of control while you are really framing the conversation.
Script pp 157-58.
It is essential to remain calm. Your counterpart will lash out when they feel they are not in control. When you get this, pause, and ask a calibrated question.
8. Guarantee execution
Rule of Three – when you have agreement, get the other guy to agree to the same thing 3 times in 3 different ways.
Say “allow you to not lose” instead of “allow you to keep”
7-38-55 Rule – 7 percent of communication is words, 38 percent is tone, and 55 percent is body language and face.
Get your counterpart to negotiate against themselves, but rather than say no say “I’m sorry, that’s a generous offer, but it just doesn’t work for me.”
Bargain Hard
-Use anger selectively
-I don’t see how that could ever work
-Use “I” to soften – I’m sorry, that doesn’t work for me. I feel ___when you ____.
-Be ready to walk. No deal is better than a bad deal.
The person across the table is never the problem. The unresolved issue is the problem.
Ackerman Bargaining:
-Always try pivoting to terms first to avoid haggling.
-Set goal
-Offer 65% of goal
-Calculate three raises (85%, 95%, and 100% of goal)
-Use lots of empathy and ways of saying no
-Use precise, non-round numbers
-On your final number, throw in a non-financial item like a CD player to show you are at your limit.
10. Find the Black Swans (unknown unknowns)
-This information is valuable because it creates leverage
-People assume they are closely guarded secrets so they don’t seek it out, but often its considered innocuous information by the other side
-Positive leverage is your ability as a negotiator to withhold or provide the item the other side wants. If they say I want to buy your car, then you have leverage.
-Negative leverage – the ability to make your counterpart suffer
oMaking threats or using this directly can easily backfire
oBest to be subtle. Example, it seems like you strongly value that you have always paid on time or It seems like you don’t care what position you are leaving me in.
-Normative leverage – using the other party’s standards and values as a reference
-Know their value system, and communicate in terms of their values
oReview everything you hear for clues to their value system.
oHelpful to have a recorder
-Give a reason (“because”)
-Diagnose why the other side is acting in a way you perceive to be irrational
oMisinformed, or proceeding on false assumptions
oThey are operating under un-disclosed constraints
oThey have undisclosed motivations – they are using a different scorecard to evaluate your offer.
-Get face to face time
-Pay attention to unguarded moments, especially at the beginning and end, interruptions, etc.
Overcoming Fear and Learning to Get What You Want out of Life
-It’s not the guy across the table who scares us, rather its the conflict itself
-Overcome the fear of conflict and negotiate with empathy
-Ignore the voice that tells you to give up, to just get along, and also ignore that voice that tells you to lash out and yell
-When you ask calibrated questions, you lead your counterpart to your goals.
You are demanding creativity of them, and therefore pushing them toward a collaborative solution
-Embrace conflict with empathy and dialogue, not avoid it.
Prepare a Negotiation One sheet
-Think through the best and worst case, but write down a specific goal that represents the best case
-Summarize and write out in just a couple of sentences the known facts that have led up to the negotiations. Write this in a way to elicit a “that’s right response.”
-Prepare 3-5 labels anticipating how your counterpart feels. It seems like X is valuable to you. It seems like you are reluctant to do Y.
-Prepare 3-5 questions calibrated to reveal value to you.
oWhat are we trying to accomplish?
oHow is that worthwhile
oWhat’s the core issue
oWhat’s the biggest challenge you face
oWhat happens if you do nothing
-Non-cash offers
oWhat could they give me that has value to me but costs them little
oWhat could I give them that has value to them but costs me little
Voss is a former FBI hostage negotiator with a style of negotiation that considers feelings and emotions and assumes the other side is irrational. In contrast to rational and technical Harvard-style negotiation, the FBI has adapted psychologists’ behavioral change stairway model.
The method is built on the Behavioral Change Staircase Method, which is what psychiatrists use. You have to accept the other side as they are. You have to empathize with them, and make them feel understood. Once you accomplish this, then you give them the illusion of control by asking them open ended questions, such as "How am I supposed to do that?" You are subtly recruiting them to problem solve for the both of you.
The mistake most people make in a negotiation is they do all this logical work and try to force the other side to accept their logic. What you have to do is accept the other side first. Once they feel accepted and understood, then you ask them to help solve the problem. Since the solution the propose is theirs, they will accept it. But once they are engaged in solving the problem, and they believe they are controlling the conversation, you can direct them by asking open ended questions where the answer lies in the direction of what you want to accomplish.
I liked this book so much, and expect it to be useful to me in the future, that I read it a second time and took notes. The notes are a summary of the key principles of the book, but the book does a great job with examples and illustrations. So some of what I noted below won't make sense unless you have read the book.
Below are my detailed notes.
Asking questions gives your counterpart the illusion of control and converts them to solving problems on your behalf. Just ask the same 3 or 4 questions over and over again. For example, How am I supposed to do that? How do I know he (hostage) is alive? I’m sorry, but how can I get you any money now, let alone $1 million, if I don’t even know he’s alive?
Take advantage of human irrationality. We have two ways of thinking, fast (emotionally) and slow (rationally). This was a book by Kahneman. We react emotionally, and then use our logical mind to justify how we acted. (Cialdini consistency principle). So use your counterpart’s emotions and feelings to frame your statements to modify their response. By actively listening to your counterpart you demonstrate empathy. When individuals feel listened to, they tend to become less oppositional/defensive and more willing to listen to other points of view.
Negotiation can be summarized as Information Gathering Information + Behavior Modification.
Chapter 2
Have multiple hypotheses regarding your counterpart’s motivations, constraints, resources, etc., then seek to test these by asking questions. Have a mindset of discovery. Often, everything you think you know is wrong. Have extra ears to pick up clues – have a negotiating partner or record the negotiations and play back. This is important because most people approach a negotiation so preoccupied by their own arguments that they are not able to listen attentively.
Early on, make your sole focus listening to the other person and what they have to say. Validate their emotions.
Going too fast can be a mistake. Don’t be in a hurry. Let the other side dictate timing. This is especially important when they are agitated, since slowing down means calming down, and the passage of time is correlated with comfort.
Your demeanor and delivery are the easiest things you can change and have the greatest immediate impact. Try to radiate warmth and acceptance. Smile. Use a deep, slow, soft, reassuring voice, like a late-night DJ. You can use your voice to reach into a person’s head and flip a switch. Think of the encounter as a fun game; that way, no matter how hard you push you’ll have a smile and a playful demeanor. Once your counterpart is in a positive frame of mind, they will be more likely to collaborate and problem solve.
Chapter 3 Mirroring.
Mirror words, nothing else. Not delivery, body language, accent, etc. Just the words.
Repeat the last 3 words, or 1-3 critical words.
When emotions escalate, it’s important that you keep your calm.
The key to negotiating is not being right, but rather having the right mindset to get inside your counterpart’s head.
How to confront without being confrontational:
•Use the late-night DJ voice
•I’m sorry, you want 2 copies?
•Mirror
•3 seconds of silence.
•Repeat.
Mirror implies “please help me understand” or “what do you mean by that?”
Labeling
Don’t feel their pain, label it.
Label their emotions, and then influence their emotions.
•It seems like . . ..
•I’m hearing that . . .
•It looks like . . ..
•It appears that . . ..
Then be silent and listen.
Recognize the perspective of your counterpart and vocalize it.
Hypothesize what your counterpart is worried about, and label it.
Exposing their fears and negative thoughts to daylight makes those fears seem less frightening. A label’s power is it invites the other person to reveal info about themselves. Labeling is a tactic, not a strategy.
Acknowledge the other person’s anger and acknowledge that you are a jerk. Acknowledge your mistakes. It’s like the opening argument by defense counsel in a trial.
The best way to deal with negativity is to observe it, without reaction, and without judgment. Consciously label each negative feeling and replace it with positive, compassionate, solution-based thoughts.
People need to feel that they are understood. Labels either make people feel understood, or invite them to clarify to the point that they are understood.
Labels help to uncover and identify the primary emotion driving almost all of your counterpart’s behavior, the emotion that once acknowledged seems to miraculously solve everything else.
Do an accusation audit - list everything terrible the other side might possibly say or feel about you. I acknowledge that you believe that . . . . What else is there that you feel is important to add to this? This often elicits misconceptions that can be cleared up.
Subtly shift the onus of offering a solution to the other guy. This works because then its his idea.
Reasons why a person will not make a deal with you are often more powerful than why they will make a deal, so its important to empathize with your counterpart and identify barriers before inviting solutions.
List your counterpart’s fears to diffuse their power.
Chapter 4 – Master the Power of “No.”
Pushing hard for a yes gets you no closer to success, and simply angers the other side. Beware of counterfeit “yes’s, because people won’t follow through and you don’t really have an agreement.
In contrast, “no” can be pure gold. It provides an oasis of control to your counterpart from which they can clarify what they want. After the other party says no, they feel relaxed and protected and can then safely devise a solution. No starts the negotiation.
•“What would it take to get to yes?”
•What about this doesn’t work for you?
•What would you need to make it work?
•It seems like there is something here that bothers you.
Framing a question to seek a No answer can be effective:
•Ask “Is now a bad time to talk?” It typically triggers either a Yes, but let’s talk at a different time, or No, let’s talk now.
•Do you really want the department to get embarrassed?
•Do you want me to do what you just asked me first, and de-prioritize other matters?
•Have you given up on resolving this amicably?
•Are you willing to lose X by doing Y?
By pushing for a No, you nudge your counterpart into a zone where he feels like he is making the decision.
Sometimes you have to mislabel their emotion as something absurd—It sounds like you want to leave your job – in order to force a no response.
For example, frame things in terms of a loss, because we have an irrational fear of loss.
Another way is to ask a party what the know they don’t want. “I don’t want a house with a big yard, because I don’t want to be responsible for yard work.”
In every negotiation, results come from someone else’s decision.
Don’t be ignored.
•Have you given up on this project?
•Is this not a priority for you?
Remind yourself that its rude of the other person to ignore you.
Persuasion is about the other party convincing themselves that the solution you want is their idea. So ask them questions that open paths to your goals.
5. That’s Right!
Real change can only happen when a therapist accepts the client as he or she is.
Since society’s approval is conditional, most people hide who they really are and how they really think and feel, and disclose as little as possible.
Try to understand how your counterpart arrived that their position/figure. This can convey valuable information about their belief system.
Eventually, summarize your counterpart’s views, grips, priorities, grievances, fears, objectives etc. You don’t have to agree with them, but summarize/paraphrase where they are coming from and say it back to them. Work towards getting a “That’s right” from them. Use pauses to let them drain the emotional swamp. Use OK’s, uh huh, keep going, I see, etc. to keep them flowing. Mirror them – last 3 words. Then label – it seems so unfair, I see why you are upset. But be careful, “You’re right” is the worst possible answer.
6. Bend their reality.
There is always leverage, because when negotiation is over for one side its over for the other side too.
Deadlines make people say and do things that are against their best interest.
Most deadlines are imaginary or at least flexible.
No deal is better than a bad deal.
Splitting the difference satisfies neither side.
When people issue threats, they consciously or subconsciously create loopholes they intend to exploit.
Hiding your deadline increases the risk of an impasse.
If you approach negotiation thinking the other side thinks like you, that is not empathy, that’s projecting.
The F-word (fair)
•I just want what’s fair.
oImplies that the other side is unfair.
oAccusing the other side of being unfair may rattle them.
oIf you are on the receiving end of this, then say OK, lets stop and go back to where I started treating you unfairly and we’ll fix it.
•We’ve given you a fair offer
oImplies the other side needs to prove un-fairness
oIf you are on the receiving end of this, then say It seems like you are ready to provide evidence that your offer was fair.
•I want you to feel like you are being treated fairly, so please stop me if you feel like I’m being unfair, and we’ll address it.
Discover their emotional drivers, and couch your statements in terms of them
•A babysitter doesn’t sell her time, she sells a night out
•A locksmith doesn’t sell locks, he sells security
People over-value certainty.
To get real leverage, you have to persuade them they have something concrete to lose if the deal falls through.
Anchor their emotions.
•Accusation audit
•Set low expectations
•Reframe their thinking from their ask to your exit, in other words, what they have to lose.
Let the other guy go first. Neither side has perfect info. But psychologically prepare yourself for the other guy’s extreme anchor. Respond by establishing a range.
They’ll be inclined to take the bottom of your range, so set the bottom of your range as your ask.
Pivot to non-monetary terms.
•Anchor them with your high ask, then offer them favorable non-monetary terms
•Alternatively, ask for non-monetary items that you value more highly.
•Brainstorm what the other side can do for you that costs them little
•Brainstorm what I can do for that is valuable to the other side that costs me little.
Use odd numbers to convey thoughtful calculation, non-temporary.
Throw in a free gift -- $4,751 plus a free CD player. Conveys finality.
Negotiate your salary
•Be persistent on non-salary terms, e.g. vacation
•Discuss the definition of success, including the metrics for your next raise.
Agreeing to the metrics costs them nothing, and the salary increase will pay for itself.
•Ask, what does it take be successful here? The idea is to recruit them to be your mentor.
7 Create the Illusion of Control.
Successful negotiation is coaxing, not overcoming; its getting your counterpart to do the work for you and to suggest the solution himself. Give him the illusion of control while you are the one in fact defining the conversation.
To do this, use calibrated open-end questions.
•Remove hostility from statements
•Change “You can’t leave” to “What do you expect to accomplish by leaving?”
•How do I know the hostage is still alive and unharmed?
There is always a team on the other side behind your counterpart; consider who the other stakeholders are. If your negotiation efforts don’t reach past your counterpart to his team, then all you have his hope.
Avoid a showdown
Avoid a tit-for-tat mentality
Focus on trying to see things from their perspective, rather than trying to force them to see things from your perspective.
Use the word “how,” because it engages and asks for help. It flips the script.
Unbelief is the friction that keeps persuasion in check. Our job as persuaders is easier than we think. Its not to get others believing what we say. Its just to stop them unbelieving. Once we achieve that, the game is half-won.
Best question is How Am I Supposed To Do That?
Pretty much only use What or How questions. Use why only in the sense of why would you ever change your current practices, what would make you switch to a competitor?
•How am I supposed to do that?
•How can we make this better for both of us?
•What about this is important to you?
•How can we solve this problem?
•How would you like me to proceed?
Tone of voice is important. Need to have the tone where you are asking for assistance, rather than communicating No.
The key to getting people to see things your way is not to confront them on their views (You can’t do that!) but to acknowledge their ideas openly (I acknowledge that you are pissed off) and then guide them toward solving the problem (what do you hope to accomplish?)
The secret to gaining the upper hand in negotiations is to give the other side the illusion of control. Calibrated questions do this by giving them the illusion of control while you are really framing the conversation.
Script pp 157-58.
It is essential to remain calm. Your counterpart will lash out when they feel they are not in control. When you get this, pause, and ask a calibrated question.
8. Guarantee execution
Rule of Three – when you have agreement, get the other guy to agree to the same thing 3 times in 3 different ways.
Say “allow you to not lose” instead of “allow you to keep”
7-38-55 Rule – 7 percent of communication is words, 38 percent is tone, and 55 percent is body language and face.
Get your counterpart to negotiate against themselves, but rather than say no say “I’m sorry, that’s a generous offer, but it just doesn’t work for me.”
Bargain Hard
-Use anger selectively
-I don’t see how that could ever work
-Use “I” to soften – I’m sorry, that doesn’t work for me. I feel ___when you ____.
-Be ready to walk. No deal is better than a bad deal.
The person across the table is never the problem. The unresolved issue is the problem.
Ackerman Bargaining:
-Always try pivoting to terms first to avoid haggling.
-Set goal
-Offer 65% of goal
-Calculate three raises (85%, 95%, and 100% of goal)
-Use lots of empathy and ways of saying no
-Use precise, non-round numbers
-On your final number, throw in a non-financial item like a CD player to show you are at your limit.
10. Find the Black Swans (unknown unknowns)
-This information is valuable because it creates leverage
-People assume they are closely guarded secrets so they don’t seek it out, but often its considered innocuous information by the other side
-Positive leverage is your ability as a negotiator to withhold or provide the item the other side wants. If they say I want to buy your car, then you have leverage.
-Negative leverage – the ability to make your counterpart suffer
oMaking threats or using this directly can easily backfire
oBest to be subtle. Example, it seems like you strongly value that you have always paid on time or It seems like you don’t care what position you are leaving me in.
-Normative leverage – using the other party’s standards and values as a reference
-Know their value system, and communicate in terms of their values
oReview everything you hear for clues to their value system.
oHelpful to have a recorder
-Give a reason (“because”)
-Diagnose why the other side is acting in a way you perceive to be irrational
oMisinformed, or proceeding on false assumptions
oThey are operating under un-disclosed constraints
oThey have undisclosed motivations – they are using a different scorecard to evaluate your offer.
-Get face to face time
-Pay attention to unguarded moments, especially at the beginning and end, interruptions, etc.
Overcoming Fear and Learning to Get What You Want out of Life
-It’s not the guy across the table who scares us, rather its the conflict itself
-Overcome the fear of conflict and negotiate with empathy
-Ignore the voice that tells you to give up, to just get along, and also ignore that voice that tells you to lash out and yell
-When you ask calibrated questions, you lead your counterpart to your goals.
You are demanding creativity of them, and therefore pushing them toward a collaborative solution
-Embrace conflict with empathy and dialogue, not avoid it.
Prepare a Negotiation One sheet
-Think through the best and worst case, but write down a specific goal that represents the best case
-Summarize and write out in just a couple of sentences the known facts that have led up to the negotiations. Write this in a way to elicit a “that’s right response.”
-Prepare 3-5 labels anticipating how your counterpart feels. It seems like X is valuable to you. It seems like you are reluctant to do Y.
-Prepare 3-5 questions calibrated to reveal value to you.
oWhat are we trying to accomplish?
oHow is that worthwhile
oWhat’s the core issue
oWhat’s the biggest challenge you face
oWhat happens if you do nothing
-Non-cash offers
oWhat could they give me that has value to me but costs them little
oWhat could I give them that has value to them but costs me little
