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Rasing Your Infant Sibling at 21
#1

Rasing Your Infant Sibling at 21

I wasn’t sure weather to post this thread in the Lifestyle Section or Family so mods feel free to move it.

The Situation: A good friend of mine yesterday called me up while having a minor mental breakdown. The night before he got a call from the State of Oklahoma telling him that he is next in line to be the Legal Guardian to his newborn infant sister and if he doesn't take her in she is going into the foster care system. His mother was doing meth throughout the pregnancy and the baby tested positive for meth. Apparently the baby is showing no advice signs of having the drugs in her system during the pregnancy so far. The state deemed his mother and the baby's father incapable of taking care of a child and took her away. He’s waiting for a call from social services sometime this week for more information.

A little background: He’s 20 years old, he turns 21 next month. He had a pretty rough life growing up from what he told, his mother is a terrible human and to my knowledge they have no contact. He was in and out of the foster care system for a good portion of a life, I’ve known him since about 14, he had/has anger issues probably do to his traumatic upbringing. He recently got out of pretty toxic relationship with a red flag woman and has been trying to stay positive in his life.
He has two younger brothers (18) who just aged out of the foster care system and are enjoying a free ride in college due to their Indian (with a feather) heritage and an older sister(?) I am not entirely sure of all the details.

He has a welders certification, last summer he was welding and making pretty good money. Because of that he started letting himself live a somewhat expensive lifestyle, due to his anger issues he was fired from that job and was unemployed for 2 month. He recently started working again and recently started a new job and is now just recovering from being almost completely broke. His monthly expenses are food, rent, car, and student loans.

If he took her in he could expect some money from the state to help take care of her but besides that he has no-one to help him.
When he called me up I tried calming him down and told him to focus on trying to clear his mind. I’m going to meet up with him soon.

There are a bunch of questions he needs to ask himself.
Who is going to watch her while he is a work?
Can he afford to take care of another human when guys our age can barely take care of ourselves?
Is he willing to completely change his life for the next 18 years to raise a child?

As rough as it sounds I think having her go into the foster care system would be the best option.
At Least that way she might have a chance of being adopted by a family from a young age and have a chance at a normal life.

I am the oldest of my siblings and probably the most equipped to raise a child out of my friend group and I doubt I could take care of a newborn by myself. The poor guy can’t even breastfeed her for Christ's sake. Having grown up in the foster care system he does not want her to feel abandoned by her family like he did growing up and cites that as his main reason for wanting to take her in.

Also too as discussed many times on this forum is how having both parents in a child's life is essential to healthy growth and development.

There are a lot of variables and more information needed for this question and I will try to update it as I can. I would appreciate any advice from the older guys on here to give to my buddy.
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#2

Rasing Your Infant Sibling at 21

Quote: (01-22-2018 03:17 PM)Northern Wastes Wrote:  

I wasn’t sure weather to post this thread in the Lifestyle Section or Family so mods feel free to move it.

The Situation: A good friend of mine yesterday called me up while having a minor mental breakdown. The night before he got a call from the State of Oklahoma telling him that he is next in line to be the Legal Guardian to his newborn infant sister and if he doesn't take her in she is going into the foster care system. His mother was doing meth throughout the pregnancy and the baby tested positive for meth. Apparently the baby is showing no advice signs of having the drugs in her system during the pregnancy so far. The state deemed his mother and the baby's father incapable of taking care of a child and took her away. He’s waiting for a call from social services sometime this week for more information.

A little background: He’s 20 years old, he turns 21 next month. He had a pretty rough life growing up from what he told, his mother is a terrible human and to my knowledge they have no contact. He was in and out of the foster care system for a good portion of a life, I’ve known him since about 14, he had/has anger issues probably do to his traumatic upbringing. He recently got out of pretty toxic relationship with a red flag woman and has been trying to stay positive in his life.
He has two younger brothers (18) who just aged out of the foster care system and are enjoying a free ride in college due to their Indian (with a feather) heritage and an older sister(?) I am not entirely sure of all the details.

He has a welders certification, last summer he was welding and making pretty good money. Because of that he started letting himself live a somewhat expensive lifestyle, due to his anger issues he was fired from that job and was unemployed for 2 month. He recently started working again and recently started a new job and is now just recovering from being almost completely broke. His monthly expenses are food, rent, car, and student loans.

If he took her in he could expect some money from the state to help take care of her but besides that he has no-one to help him.
When he called me up I tried calming him down and told him to focus on trying to clear his mind. I’m going to meet up with him soon.

There are a bunch of questions he needs to ask himself.
Who is going to watch her while he is a work?
Can he afford to take care of another human when guys our age can barely take care of ourselves?
Is he willing to completely change his life for the next 18 years to raise a child?

As rough as it sounds I think having her go into the foster care system would be the best option.
At Least that way she might have a chance of being adopted by a family from a young age and have a chance at a normal life.

I am the oldest of my siblings and probably the most equipped to raise a child out of my friend group and I doubt I could take care of a newborn by myself. The poor guy can’t even breastfeed her for Christ's sake. Having grown up in the foster care system he does not want her to feel abandoned by her family like he did growing up and cites that as his main reason for wanting to take her in.

Also too as discussed many times on this forum is how having both parents in a child's life is essential to healthy growth and development.

There are a lot of variables and more information needed for this question and I will try to update it as I can. I would appreciate any advice from the older guys on here to give to my buddy.

I don't know your friend but having just been through the first year of my child's life;

1. It's hard.
2. You need two people to do it, a man and a woman
3. You need a woman because they are more patient and empathetic with kids.
4. You need a lot of patience with infants. See point 3.
5. Your friend doesn't sound like he's cut out for it.
6. At 21 I could never have done this. An infant child shouldn't be used as a crutch to turn your friends life around.
7. It helps if you have trusted friends or in laws to give you a break ever now and then. We don't have this, our families are overseas. It's made it much harder as there is no break. Imagine now being completely alone.

It's a shitty situation all round and I'm not endorsing putting the kid into fostering either. I'm just adding what I know about this year just gone by.
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#3

Rasing Your Infant Sibling at 21

If at all reasonably possible, he should take her in.

From the facts given, my fear is that if he does not take her in now and she ends up in the foster care system, she will be stuck there, he will never get her out and it will haunt him for a long time. Right now that may look like the best option, depending on how things are viewed, but in a few years or so, that might look like a terrible option to put her in foster care, since I expect things will be better for him in the future as long as he does not mess up at his job or life in general.

The worst I would expect, right now, is that he would need to arrange for day care while he is at work. One thing that would help if trusted friends could be asked if they would help and when called on, would help. Hopefully, he has at least one or two friends that would help with her care and upbringing, since he is only one person and can't be available all the time everyday.

In my own life, I assisted with the raising of the daughter of one of my friend's after he passed away without warning when his daughter was about 9 and am still helping the family. I expect to be helping until his daughter is through college. While her mother was and is there, there was still a need for other people to help out with things.
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#4

Rasing Your Infant Sibling at 21

The guy sounds in no shape to parent a kid. Rough as it sounds fostering might be the best option.

They who would give up essential Liberty, to purchase a little temporary Safety, deserve neither Liberty nor Safety- Benjamin Franklin, as if you didn't know...
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#5

Rasing Your Infant Sibling at 21

It would probably be best if she went into foster care, but that he became and remained a part of her life.

I'm the King of Beijing!
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#6

Rasing Your Infant Sibling at 21

Quote: (01-22-2018 03:17 PM)Northern Wastes Wrote:  

Having grown up in the foster care system he does not want her to feel abandoned by her family like he did growing up and cites that as his main reason for wanting to take her in.

On paper, he's in no position to make it happen.

In reality, the above is all the motivation I'd need to get my shit together for an abandoned infant sibling. We aren't defined by the challenges we were prepared to meet.

The easy way out is to let the kid drift off into the system and tell himself he made the correct, most rational decision. But when it comes down to it, your friend is at a fork in the road, and the path he takes could very well make or break the man he eventually becomes.

Beyond All Seas

"The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe.
To be your own man is a hard business. If you try it, you'll be lonely often, and sometimes
frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself." - Kipling
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#7

Rasing Your Infant Sibling at 21

Follow up to my post:

1: After I had retired for the day last night, I realized that while your friend is the one who will make the final decision, you, Northern Wastes, are one of the people (or THE person) that would be needed in order for it to work. You described the guy as a good friend, so it is possible that you may be the only person available to assist and help watch her when he can't be available to take care of her. If you able to help and offer to help, your friend may be able to make it work; but without your help it may be impossible for your friend to take in his sister.

2: While the easy thing to do would be to let her drift off into the system, I think that everyone, even people reading about it here, would feel that we had abandoned someone and all feel a measure of failure for not being able to have a better outcome or at least try.

3: There is no perfect solution since both parents are apparently so messed up that child services took the kid away from them. While it would be hard, especially until she is old enough to at least be in school part of the day, to take care of her for the first few years; that would be better than having with complete strangers with her all the time.

4: I have seen what having parents who did not care do to kids. My friend's daughter, that I help with, had a friend in her neighborhood who was living with the grandparents because both parents were completely messed up (mother in jail and problems with drugs, father in jail at times and I think a drinking problem). That kid had two cousins living in the same multi unit complex with them. The two cousins are turning out good, but the guy is completely messed up. Starting just as he turned 12 he refused to behave for anyone (if someone told him he couldn't do something he would just start swearing at them and then escalate it to hitting them, including teachers), to the point where he ended up in custody in a state facility because no one could control him. He was out for a few weeks a few times before he would do something else and get sent back in. He spent most of the time from when he was 13 to 18 in a state facility and at this point I do not know what happened after he got out when he turned 18. Hopefully, he went to stay with extended family down south and is acting better, but I fear that he may spend the rest of his life messed up, all because his parents didn't care enough to keep it together to at least make some effort to take care of him. Even with the grandparents available it was not enough to compensate for the absent parents.

While your friend is going to make the ultimate decision, OP, your offering to help would make it more likely that he could take her in.
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#8

Rasing Your Infant Sibling at 21

As a father of 3 young healthy children, I will give you some advice. Absolutely DO NOT recommend him to take care of her.

I definitely do not have severe anger problems but time to time lose patience with my children. That is normal. However, they have a mother who does a great job being the more caring and empathetic one to balance it out. My wife also works part time and spends a lot of time with them. This is not only essential but fundamental.

Not having any of these fundamentals and adding a severe anger problem on top of that is a recipe for disaster. One poster said something about this haunting him if he doesn't take her in. Fuck that. It's NOT ABOUT HIM. Period. It's about the child's well being which at this point can only be materialized in foster care from my understanding.

This being said, like Suits advised correctly, your friend needs to get his shit together and be an ACTIVE part of her life growing up. I also suggest he use her well being as a reason or motivation to get better. If he does this well, maybe, just maybe, he can be the one to adopt her instead of some random family.

A guy that goes completely broke in 2 months after working in a decent job can seriously screw up a kids life. By the same token, with a welders trade, he should have no problem making it work if he can control himself. This is where you as a friend can really help him. Don't bring the child into it and make her dependent.

Please also report back. I'm interested in how this progresses and happy to help further.
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#9

Rasing Your Infant Sibling at 21

Man this is brutal. I would say the only chance of making it work if he can line up a string of full time au pairs to effectively mother the child. He could run this until he meets the woman of his life. It's true it will haunt him forever if he leaves the child to the foster system. He must not underestimate the difficulty of raising a child though and must be ready to sacrifice everything for his sibling.

Also I should add that many men say that becoming a parent is the making of them. Perhaps he should undergo psychological analysis to see if he is suitable to take on the task, deep down.
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#10

Rasing Your Infant Sibling at 21

Thank you to everyone who responded, lot's of good points and opinions to think on. I do appreciate it.

I talked to him briefly today and he told me he thinks he is going to go through with it. He is still waiting on more details but apparently he won't be able to take her in for a year from now, and she will be taken care of by the state until that point. That's a year for him to prepare for this new life.

I haven't been able to sit down with him in person yet and try to talk this through as rationally possible. He is his own man and ultimately will make his own decision but for both his and the child’s sake I am taking this incredibly seriously.

As my friend I have no problem trying to help him raise a child, but odds are in a year I won’t be here to help. A few other of our friends could assist but my question is to what extent? We are all still incredibly young and my friends don’t know shit about taking care of a child. Also not to sound cold but it shouldn’t have to be our responsibility to take care of the kid, ultimately it has to fall on him.
The only thing I can think of is watching her while he is at work assuming we have that day off, and supporting him morally.

As far as his personality I think in the last year he has been able to confront a lot of his personal demons and he has managed to control himself. That being said I have no idea if he could maintain this around a small person. I think he could, and I would like to hope that this experience would bring the best person out of him and it very well could, but like a few of you said being able to keep you cool when dealing with a small child is crucial.

If this is the path he is choosing to take I plan on sitting him down and trying to figure it all out. In a year he could potentially pull it off from a financial standpoint.

I looked into it and there are a few places that do infant daycare that could possible take care of her while he works all day, no word on the cost of that yet.

Regardless of what happens he should definitely be apart of the child's life as much as possible.

I will update as the situation develops.
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#11

Rasing Your Infant Sibling at 21

Quote: (01-24-2018 02:45 PM)Northern Wastes Wrote:  

Thank you to everyone who responded, lot's of good points and opinions to think on. I do appreciate it.

I talked to him briefly today and he told me he thinks he is going to go through with it. He is still waiting on more details but apparently he won't be able to take her in for a year from now, and she will be taken care of by the state until that point. That's a year for him to prepare for this new life.

I haven't been able to sit down with him in person yet and try to talk this through as rationally possible. He is his own man and ultimately will make his own decision but for both his and the child’s sake I am taking this incredibly seriously.

As my friend I have no problem trying to help him raise a child, but odds are in a year I won’t be here to help. A few other of our friends could assist but my question is to what extent? We are all still incredibly young and my friends don’t know shit about taking care of a child. Also not to sound cold but it shouldn’t have to be our responsibility to take care of the kid, ultimately it has to fall on him.
The only thing I can think of is watching her while he is at work assuming we have that day off, and supporting him morally.

As far as his personality I think in the last year he has been able to confront a lot of his personal demons and he has managed to control himself. That being said I have no idea if he could maintain this around a small person. I think he could, and I would like to hope that this experience would bring the best person out of him and it very well could, but like a few of you said being able to keep you cool when dealing with a small child is crucial.

If this is the path he is choosing to take I plan on sitting him down and trying to figure it all out. In a year he could potentially pull it off from a financial standpoint.

I looked into it and there are a few places that do infant daycare that could possible take care of her while he works all day, no word on the cost of that yet.

Regardless of what happens he should definitely be apart of the child's life as much as possible.

I will update as the situation develops.

If this is really what he wants to do, you can help first and foremost by doing as much research as possible about free services for single parents with young children. The line , "the state will give him some money" is only the start. There are tons of charities and services out there which will offer all sorts of freebies for low income people in this position exactly.

There's Wic which is perfect for him in his position:
http://www.acphd.org/wic.aspx

He should also be eligible for food stamps.

Heck, there are a ton of services out there which will help him. The problem that I believe the poor really have is simply finding these services. You have to have some income and intelligence to be able to search the internet and apply (which is partially why I think the poor don't utilize these services).

Search and get him as much stuff as possible, just because he's a single father doesn't mean that he can't utilize the same services that women do.
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#12

Rasing Your Infant Sibling at 21

Not much to add to what others have said. It's a tough decision but it is also family. I live in the same state. Oklahomas foster system is awful. There are literally hundreds of kids that are "missing" from the foster homes. State had no idea where they are. Can't blame the guy for not wanting to raise his little sister. In the long run it may be a regrettable situation should he allow the infant to go into foster care. Life ain't fair and you help blood when you can.
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#13

Rasing Your Infant Sibling at 21

This where being part of a church makes all the difference in the world.

My friends wife passed away a couple years ago, leaving him with 4 young kids. The women from his church nosed their way into his life in such a compassionate and loving way that it brings tears to my eyes. I don't know what he could have done without them.

I am not sure your friend is religious or not, but these are certainly "come to God" types of life events.
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#14

Rasing Your Infant Sibling at 21

OP, regarding your situation, I spoke to a counselor at the Department of Human Services in the city I live around. He's a great guy and did an amazing job there. However, Social Welfare was a huge investment in his career for little return.

Couple things from him:
-The parents can come back and try to be "active" in the child's life. How hard they push can still affect the child and the organization still has to give them a chance.
-In order for the parents to really be taken away, there has to be a lot of factors, including multiple evaluations, psychological factors, and situational factors assessed before a judge looks at truly "taking that child away" into adoption. This is important in case the parents do come back.
-He also described that the organization will reach out as much as possible to other relatives (like your friend) to actively solicit help. Even after adoption, if that happens, generally, close siblings or relatives are encouraged to be a part of the child's life. You don't lose touch completely if this happens. He noted that even the adoptive parents are very open about it because it makes things easier for them.

I specifically asked him and he said he is happy to speak to you or your friend. He's a great resource. I would encourage you PM me and I can get you connected to him. I don't want him to know about the forum. So I'd like to chat first to create a decent backstory. That is, of course, if you're open to this. I'm happy to help.

My only ask of you in advance is contribute to the forum and be dedicated to it as much as possible in the long run and help any other men here that need it.
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#15

Rasing Your Infant Sibling at 21

Quote: (01-24-2018 03:01 PM)The Beast1 Wrote:  

Quote: (01-24-2018 02:45 PM)Northern Wastes Wrote:  

Thank you to everyone who responded, lot's of good points and opinions to think on. I do appreciate it.

I talked to him briefly today and he told me he thinks he is going to go through with it. He is still waiting on more details but apparently he won't be able to take her in for a year from now, and she will be taken care of by the state until that point. That's a year for him to prepare for this new life.

I haven't been able to sit down with him in person yet and try to talk this through as rationally possible. He is his own man and ultimately will make his own decision but for both his and the child’s sake I am taking this incredibly seriously.

As my friend I have no problem trying to help him raise a child, but odds are in a year I won’t be here to help. A few other of our friends could assist but my question is to what extent? We are all still incredibly young and my friends don’t know shit about taking care of a child. Also not to sound cold but it shouldn’t have to be our responsibility to take care of the kid, ultimately it has to fall on him.
The only thing I can think of is watching her while he is at work assuming we have that day off, and supporting him morally.

As far as his personality I think in the last year he has been able to confront a lot of his personal demons and he has managed to control himself. That being said I have no idea if he could maintain this around a small person. I think he could, and I would like to hope that this experience would bring the best person out of him and it very well could, but like a few of you said being able to keep you cool when dealing with a small child is crucial.

If this is the path he is choosing to take I plan on sitting him down and trying to figure it all out. In a year he could potentially pull it off from a financial standpoint.

I looked into it and there are a few places that do infant daycare that could possible take care of her while he works all day, no word on the cost of that yet.

Regardless of what happens he should definitely be apart of the child's life as much as possible.

I will update as the situation develops.

If this is really what he wants to do, you can help first and foremost by doing as much research as possible about free services for single parents with young children. The line , "the state will give him some money" is only the start. There are tons of charities and services out there which will offer all sorts of freebies for low income people in this position exactly.

There's Wic which is perfect for him in his position:
http://www.acphd.org/wic.aspx

He should also be eligible for food stamps.

Heck, there are a ton of services out there which will help him. The problem that I believe the poor really have is simply finding these services. You have to have some income and intelligence to be able to search the internet and apply (which is partially why I think the poor don't utilize these services).

Search and get him as much stuff as possible, just because he's a single father doesn't mean that he can't utilize the same services that women do.

Great points, thank you. I will have to look into what services are applicable to our state.
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#16

Rasing Your Infant Sibling at 21

Quote: (01-25-2018 06:41 PM)Cobra Wrote:  

OP, regarding your situation, I spoke to a counselor at the Department of Human Services in the city I live around. He's a great guy and did an amazing job there. However, Social Welfare was a huge investment in his career for little return.

Couple things from him:
-The parents can come back and try to be "active" in the child's life. How hard they push can still affect the child and the organization still has to give them a chance.
-In order for the parents to really be taken away, there has to be a lot of factors, including multiple evaluations, psychological factors, and situational factors assessed before a judge looks at truly "taking that child away" into adoption. This is important in case the parents do come back.
-He also described that the organization will reach out as much as possible to other relatives (like your friend) to actively solicit help. Even after adoption, if that happens, generally, close siblings or relatives are encouraged to be a part of the child's life. You don't lose touch completely if this happens. He noted that even the adoptive parents are very open about it because it makes things easier for them.

I specifically asked him and he said he is happy to speak to you or your friend. He's a great resource. I would encourage you PM me and I can get you connected to him. I don't want him to know about the forum. So I'd like to chat first to create a decent backstory. That is, of course, if you're open to this. I'm happy to help.

My only ask of you in advance is contribute to the forum and be dedicated to it as much as possible in the long run and help any other men here that need it.

Thank you Cobra, I will definitely take you up on this offer.
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#17

Rasing Your Infant Sibling at 21

Little update here:

My friend has decided to take his sister in. He has a year before he can actually take her in and is currently going through social services. Social Services is going to meet up with him and see if he and the house he is living in is up to par.

Thank you to all who took the time to reply.
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#18

Rasing Your Infant Sibling at 21

Quote: (01-25-2018 03:02 PM)Laner Wrote:  

This where being part of a church makes all the difference in the world.

My friends wife passed away a couple years ago, leaving him with 4 young kids. The women from his church nosed their way into his life in such a compassionate and loving way that it brings tears to my eyes. I don't know what he could have done without them.

I am not sure your friend is religious or not, but these are certainly "come to God" types of life events.

This is an excellent avenue. What he should realize is that there are a lot of people who actually need something to do - women who have lost a child, whose kids are grown, etc.

A somewhat similar thing happened to my Dad. My mother died when she was 69 and Dad was 71. Dad, through his church, visited other people who had lost a spouse to comfort them. Dad was really an introvert but doing this as a service got him out of hte house meeting people and probably benefited him 100X more than the people he visited.

I'm sure there are tons of people who would love to help him take care of this child if only he would let them. He could really benefit a lot of other peope.
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#19

Rasing Your Infant Sibling at 21

Fuuuuck that.

This whole predicament is absolutely terrible.
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#20

Rasing Your Infant Sibling at 21

Quote: (02-14-2018 03:25 PM)Northern Wastes Wrote:  

Little update here:

My friend has decided to take his sister in. He has a year before he can actually take her in and is currently going through social services. Social Services is going to meet up with him and see if he and the house he is living in is up to par.

Thank you to all who took the time to reply.

We don't know this guy, but to him - good luck and godspeed.
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#21

Rasing Your Infant Sibling at 21

You may want to introduce your friend to this community. There are lots of great fathers here so have experience and wisdom of raising kids and it might be a great place for him to come to for some online support as well.
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#22

Rasing Your Infant Sibling at 21

Wish him all the best.

Quote: (02-14-2018 03:25 PM)Northern Wastes Wrote:  

Little update here:

My friend has decided to take his sister in. He has a year before he can actually take her in and is currently going through social services. Social Services is going to meet up with him and see if he and the house he is living in is up to par.

Thank you to all who took the time to reply.
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