Sorry it's so long, it was a long scene and I didn't have enough time to write a shorter post if you know what I mean...
An old friend, not a terribly close one but not a terribly distant one, from my home state came to the city for a weeklong martial arts event. We had often trained together before I moved to the city and I’ve always had a mild but persistent attraction towards her over the years, which I’m confident she’s shared regardless of whether or not she consciously realizes it. We got in touch over FB. She let me know she was coming out for the event. I offered up my space for her to crash, we got in touch the day she arrived I told her I'd show her around my hood after we both finished our respective training sessions. She was excited to hang out.
We got high, we walked around with our arms entwined as I showed her around my neighborhood. We walked in an out of several bars just to see them before I took her to a club with the kind of Latin/Afro/Brazilian music we would listen to at her group's after parties and we wound up having a really good time. When we arrived at the club I assumed that the guy at the door was a bouncer, I showed him my id, but he wasn’t a bouncer. I laughed, told him he looked authoritative, which he liked cause apparently he didn’t feel like a very authoritative person. Later that evening he bumped into me, I turned a way from my “date” for a moment to talk to him and he told me we looked good together, like him and his girlfriend before they started fighting all the time. I told her that he was a cool guy, I referred to him as my boyfriend and suggested that she approach him on my behalf, tell him that I’m really nervous and get his number for me – all of which made her crack up. We danced a little longer and even did some play fighting on the floor, mimicking our own techniques, we hold an equal rank in the art. It was fun and comfortable.
We walked back to my apartment, she told me she liked my neighborhood and we stayed up late talking in my living room, at first about ex relationships, we had both just gone through difficult breakups, she said that I seemed as if I had moved on rather well compared to a friend of hers, especially considering I had been broken up for only two months at most. She had ended a relationship in early spring and it hadn’t been long enough for her. The conversation shifted toward my research – the details of which I’ll skip, but it was a good conversation. During the which I began to realize that my attraction to this woman was in no way shallow or merely based upon her appearance, nor even a shared physical passion, nor necessarily even similar intellectual interests, which I began to suspect rested upon similar emotional problems. It was a combination of all of these things. I sensed a kindred spirit. I offered her to share my bed with me, provided she agreed not to try anything. She didn’t come at first. I couldn’t sleep and neither could she apparently. I walked to the kitchen for some more pot to help me sleep. She was still up. I told her that we weren’t allowed to talk about my dissertation again before bed and we wound up watching a movie. I sat down by her on the couch started to lean on her legs which were propped up, she asked if she should move. I told her I wanted to cuddle, she asked if that was why I couldn’t sleep. I told her she could be right and I spooned her for awhile during a movie before I started to fall asleep, I excused myself to my chambers and she followed me in later.
I let her sleep undisturbed while I prepared for work the next morning. I checked in with her sometime in the afternoon. She didn’t have any plans for the evening and we made plans to go see a spoken word play at a small theater near my place. I got home to my apartment before she did. I was asleep on the living room couch when she arrived. I woke up but I was groggy and still stoned, I didn’t fully have my bearings or feel totally at ease in the conversation, but it was good to see her and we shortly went to the play, which was a lot of fun, and we went to a small lounge across the street for beer and pizza after. We kept talking, about old mutual friends and acquaintances, our martial arts and relationships in general. I told her that live entertainment was an important part of my breakup recovery plan which she liked. She told me that she usually just trained more after a breakup. We went off to a bar with a bunch of old arcade games from the 80’s for more laughs. We walked back to my place we stayed out in the living room a bit longer, she was texting some guy who told her he was on her way to meet up with us but who didn’t make it on time. Yet again I couldn’t sleep and she couldn’t sleep. She went to the bathroom, I snuck past her and went to the kitchen for my weed stash. She came out of the bathroom, I asked if I could interest her in a sleep time aid. She thought it might help, so we talked 420 for a moment before I put on a movie. She was cool with it (420) cause her family was cool with it, as was and is mine. She had grown up around it I told her a bit about some of the legalization activism I had been doing before I put the movie we hadn’t managed to finish from the first night back on.
We spooned. Her back and body and general was really tight and not just from training. I could sense that it was emotional tension, taken out and stored up in her body; I began to sense that her athleticism and training where coping mechanism for some sort of trauma which her body was tired of carrying around for her. I started to half-assedly massage some of it out. She didn’t mind. We started to drift off, and I could feel what was at first the effect of the medicine but was a high that only comes from mutual arousal of repressed desire. I knew she could feel it because I could feel it. I pulled her into me. Her body was begging me for a release. However she quickly stopped me from performing the necessary procedure by telling me that she wasn’t ready. I respectfully backed off, but we stayed together on the couch, I believe I told her I didn’t mind (that she wasn’t ready for something more), and that I thought she was even cooler and more interesting than I had initially realized and I fell back under for while before I got up turned off the movie walked her into my room. We began to fall back asleep, I told her I thought she was pent up and carrying around a lot of tension and that I could loosen it up for her. She asked me how and I didn’t bother explaining as we both fell under. I felt her spooning me back this time.
I knew that the next day she had plans for the evening. My plan was to get through work, get some training in, get home, pass out and catch up on as much sleep as possible before she got returned While I was at work, I finally managed to get in touch with another friend from home, an instructor whom she has been closely training with for years, they’re practically siblings, I’m tighter with him than I ever had been with her and I was glad to discover that he would be staying with me as well the next day. I realized that this might put a wet blanket on things, but I was still excited to see my friend and I thought that the situation could also work for me as well. I made the mistake of assuming that he would approve of us getting closer, which turned out not to be the case.
I went to sleep early and alone that night. I woke up in the middle of the night and I heard her return from a reasonably long night of partying presumably of getting hit on by other guys. She climbed straight into bed with me. I told her that I really wanted to know all about her day but that I was nearly back asleep. She paused and told me that it was awesome before she put in earplugs to help her sleep, we got close and drifted off to sleep.
I went to work again the next day. It turned out it was her birthday. She called me while I was at work, I snuck off and we chatted for about 10 minutes. I said “hi birthday girl” I told her I’d have to get her something from the local bakery and put a candle in it, and that I had gotten in touch with A, the instructor who would be staying with us. She told me she had a good time training the night before, but was feeling down, tired of interacting with people from her group. She didn’t feel like leaving my apartment, she asked me if I’d want to hang if they went out later. I said yeah and she said she'd let me know where they wound up. I started receiving texts from our A who had just gotten into town. He was telling me that they we’re going out after the workshop but he wasn’t familiar with the area so I texted her directly and asked her for the address. He had gotten back to me with it before she did. I looked it up and mistakenly thought that it was way across on the other side of town. So I told her I wouldn’t be able to make it in time, but to let me know if they went anywhere else.
I wound up running into my best friend/wing/hetero-lifemate downstairs neighbor (S). We wound up hanging at my place, I mischivously asked him if I shold move her (D’s) stuff into my room in order to make room for his. S thought it was a good idea so I moved her stuff into my room. We were discussing my events with D over the past few days when she (D.) and he (A.) returned. It turned out that my crappy map app was wrong and they weren’t as far away as I thought they were. A. knew S. and D. had met him as well. We’re all from the same state and they three all happened to be from the same town, although the pairs of us tended to travel in different respective circles. S. ran off to grab some beer, I raided more pot from the stash, after S. got back I stuck a cheap musical candle I had bought in a canoli from a nearby shop which she blew out as I popped a party popper. The guys got silent but I could tell she loved it and it put me in a good mood. We all hung and caught up. A. was overly affectionately hostile toward me in a big brother sort of way as he often is. He told me I was gay a few too many times but it was good to see him. He sat on the futon with D. I sat on my chair on the other corner of the room at my computer and desk, while S. sat on the couch between us in the middle of the other side of the room. S. practices the same art and we talked about all of the differences in our styles, different people we all know, stuff from back home.
Eventually S. left for the evening, he in no uncertain terms offered A. a place on his couch downstairs, but A respectfully declined. D showered first, while I caught up with A. She had trouble finding her stuff since I had moved it into my room and placed A’s stuff where hers had been. It turned out contrary to what D. had told me that A. was actually single, I told him that I was recently single as well. I showered and cleaned up after D. I left them to talk, which they did off in the far corner of my living room. After I was ready to crash I boldly walked in between them put my hands on each of their shoulders and proclaimed to A that I loved him and that he’d be welcome to share my bed and most likely have sex with me the following night but that it was only right to share my bed with D since it was her B day. They talked/argued for a bit longer before she came into my room we climbed into bed together but she kept the door open and A. slept nearby in the front room. We didn’t embrace at all however we did begin conversing a bit before we nodded off when her back seized with pain. I massaged some of it out from her. A told us to go into the bathroom, assuming that he assumed my breathing and her moaning was do to something else. She asked me why he told us to go to the bathroom. I passed out.
I woke up slightly earlier before work, took out the trash, briefly shot the shit with A, who mostly kept his back turned to me and focused on his laptop. After I arrived at the office I was released from work early in order to prepare for Hurricane Irene. I sent the same text to both of them that I was on my way back, she texted back ‘cool, see you soon.’ A was heading to the beach with other students in the club, he was hanging in my living room. D was going shopping with a friend, she was hanging in my bedroom. I decided to go with neither of them, do the responsible thing and prepare for the hurricane. A looked annoyed that I didn’t go with him, but I smoked him and his ride up. I needed to do my laundry, didn’t want to do it in the rain and offered to do theirs for them. A and his ride split, I caught up on a few emails. D asked me if I wanted some eggs. I told her I would be hungry soon. We talked. I told her that I apologized if I had done anything to create any awkwardness for her. She told me that A would get possessive of her when they would travel and she’d talk to guys. The master of their group would tell him that he (A) needed to protect her. She told me that she told him that my bed was better for her back and we had been talking and cuddling and that was it. He would stop talking to her all together and she would eventually force him to interact with her. I told her I thought it was bad enough when someone you’re in a relationship with gets possessive and insecure let alone a friend. She snickered at the irony. I also told her that it seemed I had nothing to apologize for since it seemed it was A’s insecurities causing the drama and not me. I started feeling better as began collecting laundry and as she began cooking. I felt I had regained our shared frame. We talked about the hurricane. I told her I had no idea how bad it would be. She asked me if the event they had come for would happen tomorrow. I told her I hoped it would, I had some energy to burn off and I wanted to “spar” with these people.
I haughtily told her before I left the apt to drop off laundry that I was surprised A was upset since he should’ve expected me to try something. She turned around and didn’t seem to appreciate the remark, I smiled and told her I was kidding. I left, dropped off the laundry, picked up groceries, came back. She finished our omlet. I poured OJ for her and suggested we eat out in the garden, which she liked. We talked and ate. She told me amongst other things that she never dated. I told her that I never had in the past either, I had either been in a series of one night stands or serious relationships and that merely going out on dates and merely talking and overcoming my fears of rejection which are essentially the same thing as death felt liberating. She agreed that rejection is terrible since she said she had been rejected before. Our conversation seemed to begin to take a more judgmental tone. She told me that she thought that most men were too insecure. I suggested to her that many of her behaviors were designed to trigger insecurities in men. She didn’t seem to follow. I told her that she kept talking about other men when we’d talk, I also recall her talking about some modeling work she’d done for Heineken, but I failed to use this example against her. She told me that she usually talked about men, even with her girlfriends, but that she could stop if it left me intimidated, I said something to the extent of it was ok, since I knew it was designed to keep me…I can’t recall exactly but I wish I had said I found the fact she kept talking about other men endearing. I told her I had seen such behaviors before. She insited that men were insecure. I told her that there were those among us who were smart enough to basically do what women do, share our experiences and overcome our insecurities. She smiled but didn’t say much. She washed the dishes and napped on my living room futon while I caught up on some emails across the room from her. We walked to the laundry mat after she woke up so she could grab her uniform before she left to meet up with her friend. She thanked me for doing laundry, gave my arm a good squeeze and a kiss on the cheek before she turned to leave and told me she’d let me know where the party wound up after that night’s training.
I got ready for the hurricane, hung with some friends and went to a meeting I had scheduled that evening. After I returned home I got a text from her and I headed toward queens to meet them at a Tex/Mex joint. She was sitting at a table of four with A and two other women, one of whom A was interested in. D and A sat across from one another, I sat facing perpendicular to them and to the other two women at the end of the table. I introduced myself to the rest of them and tried to flirt and made small talk. A was cooler, he offered me a bunch of extra food, which hit the spot. We shortly made our way to a cramped two-story salsa club with a band that was played a good 15-20 feet off of the floor on an stage suspended from the rafters. Many of the guys in her group we’re hitting on her and dancing with her, so I did my best to politely ignore her and give her space without loosing the connection through occasional eye contact and smiles. She gave me one of her extra drinks. I talked with some of the others in her group including her and A’s instructor whom I have always been cool with and whom I hadn’t seen in ages, but many of them were knew to me. It stuck out a bit being from a different group and yet familiar with the higher ups. I danced with V who was with us at the restaurant and who was beginning to catch my attention. She had already caught A’s and it looked like they we’re pretty much done. But I danced in with her in front of D and A. It was bad, it wasn’t even a salsa style or very rythmic but we got our bodies close. D ignored a kid in her group who was really good at salsa as he held her and made his last move for the evening before we piled into V’s car and she drove us back to my place. A grabbed his stuff and left to crash with V. I found D a brace for her knee and a bandage for her ankle which she had injured pretty severely and which she was frustrated and depressed over. She stayed at my place but said she would stay on my futon that night since she found it more comfortable for her backs which since she usually slept on a hard futon. I made no protest and slept in my own room with my door closed that evening.
The next morning we woke up and began to prepare for the big event of the week – a promotion ceremony. We got ready and dressed, packed our stuff up. I told her that my plans were to hightail it back home after the event before the hurricane and that she’d be more than welcome to hole up with me and keep talking about our nerd shit. I made bacon and eggs for us, breakfast was pleasant, she felt better after some food and did the dishes. The conversation seemed to shift as we walked to the train. I wasn’t sure why at the time, but we’ve sent a few messages back and forth since and I believe in hindsight that she felt trapped. She made a pronounced disagreement with some aspect of my research that I didn’t fully catch. We didn’t talk much on the train. It was difficult to talk to her. I fell into a trance and began to meditate and prepare my mind for the event on the train ride. She nudged me and looked annoyed when we arrived at our transfer. Our transfer never came, we watched three other trains pass us by as we became late for the event. I got proactive and talked to some MTA employees and found another route but we wound up taking a cab with another woman who was heading the same way.
I smiled and asked her if there were any last minute points of etiquette I should know before we entered the school where the event was being held. She told me I was an advanced student and that I should be able to figure it out, but she still formally (re)introduced me to her masters.
At this point I fully let myself become absorbed by the energy of the event. I said hi and shook hands with all of the people I knew including a former student whom I was happy and excited to see being promoted within this particular group. We had arrived late and missed the “free-sparring” part of the event and I would have to wait awhile while students got promoted for my next chance to get into the “ring.” My former student performed extremely well, my friends remarked on the fact that I had trained him, and I felt extremely satisfied and happy. I performed well when my turn finally came and students of my rank were promoted. I had a lot of pent up energy and excitement to release, and I felt my techniques and interaction with my opponents was a bit over-enthusiastically sloppy – however my former student told me I looked good and relaxed. It was a pleasure to watch a few of my friends, including A, as well as his teachers get promoted. I was genuinely happy for them. I got to “spar” with A few times at the end of the event, which was fun and friendly.
Other students in the group later asked me where I was from, thanked me for supporting and told me “played” well. V said hi to me with a big smile on her face and we agreed that neither of us felt like just going straight home and she told me to talk to some people. D and I wound up catching a ride with M who had taken A to the beach the day before and A and V followed us back to my neighborhood for food. We stumbled around for awhile. I overheard or could simply sense that D had asked A if she could crash at her place before found a pretty decent restaurant I had never eaten at still open. I was totally broke and asked A if he’d help me out and he told me to get whatever I wanted. I wasn’t terribly hungry and had a beer and soup. I sat across from him, D sat next to him but on the other end of the table mostly excluding herself from all conversation. V sat next to A and I sat across from them next to M. S showed up shortly later and sat by me.
A and I mostly talked. I occasionally got a thread going with V who seemed to be somewhat interested in me. Much of the humor at the table wound up being at my expense. M told me that she thought I had personal issues after I talked about how I had a hard time making friends outside of the art we all practiced (friendships that aren’t based on martial arts practice often feel superficial to me), but it didn’t come out right. She told me that the waitress was cute and I should get her number. I was willing to play for a good laugh. I wound up getting criticized for being someone who’s willing to hit on women. I laughed it off and talked about how much my self-esteem had improved after I had left home and how it had just gotten worse now that home had come for a visit. We went back to my place. D went straight for the shower, preparing to bounce as I suspected. We smoked some of mine and some of M’s. Everyone seemed to like M’s better. V and I kept talking a bit more, she dug the crazy orange paint job and art on my walls and was seeming intrigued. A sat beside her on the couch in such a way as to inhibit our conversation. After we finished they got up while D grabbed her luggage, I said goodbye to everyone as they filed out of my apt wishing them luck with the hurricane. D left last gave me a hug but no smile and said thanks for letting me crash.
I got missed call and voicemail maybe half and hour from A on D’s phone, he had left his wallet on my futon. I called him back and kept it safe. I hung with S for a minute told him how things had gone, went up stairs, tried to write out this report and wound up crashing through the storm out of exhaustion.
I got a call from her on her phone later the next day, she sounded brighter and told me that they would swing by soon for A’s wallet. I texted them and told them that I had a bunch of food in case they were hungry. S texted me and told me that he was hanging and drinking in the garden with the neighbors and I should come join him which I did. D, A and V arrived shortly after, I brought them upstairs and returned A’s wallet, and invited them to chill with us. A didn’t seem too eager to hang, S told me later that it was because he wasn’t commanding the interest of the women, but D and V wanted to check out the garden which they wandered around and explored a bit before we all sat down. I sat across from D and didn’t make too much eye contact. I mostly talked with K a neighbor who was a psychologist and who wound up happening to know D’s ex boyfriend. D, A, and V left shortly after our neighbor challenged D to a death match which raised eyebrows from all of us, A looked right at me, I wasn’t sure what was up either. He eventually got up and the women got up to leave with him, I walked them out and said goodbye. D said bye last and thanked me again for letting her crash. She was smiling when I told her it was my pleasure. I saw her look back and smile when I told them that we’d party in their city the next time we got together.
I received an FB message from D two days later. She thanked me for letting her crash said she was still enjoying her post vacation high and told me she wanted to get back to NYC asap. I noticed that she was looking for a new job and was willing to relocate. I wrote her back and told her it was great getting to hang out and get to know her a little better. I told her I still wanted her opinion on my research and asked her how I could reimburse her for the event fee. She replied that it was good getting to know me as well and she said she definitely felt “awkward/less free” at a some point but she was over it. She agreed to read my paper and give me her opinion on it as well.
Overall I feel good about the fact that I finally took a risk and honestly expressed my interest in someone who I’ve long found interesting, I feel like I've become better friends with this woman which is great, however I feel uneasy about the possibility of feeling like a creep, especially in the eyes of people I’ve always respected (I won't lie, posting this feels a bit creepy).
Most importantly perhaps is that my approach anxiety has gone up since this happened. The process of writing this all out has made me aware of the fact that I’m nowhere near as charasmatic and engaging as I see myself in my own mind, which I imagine is probably the whole point but this experience hasn’t left me feeling more confident about my self. I’m not feeling very alpha, and I’ve become confused as to what exactly ‘alpha’ is. How is it different from merely being arrogant, or egocentric, overconfident, condesending, patronizing, vain, or cocky – without the funny? Is it even possible to be alpha without being any of these other things? I may be wrong but I really feel like I got cockblocked by my ego, I’d like to do something about it and any advice on how to do this would be most welcome!
Best,
Scud
An old friend, not a terribly close one but not a terribly distant one, from my home state came to the city for a weeklong martial arts event. We had often trained together before I moved to the city and I’ve always had a mild but persistent attraction towards her over the years, which I’m confident she’s shared regardless of whether or not she consciously realizes it. We got in touch over FB. She let me know she was coming out for the event. I offered up my space for her to crash, we got in touch the day she arrived I told her I'd show her around my hood after we both finished our respective training sessions. She was excited to hang out.
We got high, we walked around with our arms entwined as I showed her around my neighborhood. We walked in an out of several bars just to see them before I took her to a club with the kind of Latin/Afro/Brazilian music we would listen to at her group's after parties and we wound up having a really good time. When we arrived at the club I assumed that the guy at the door was a bouncer, I showed him my id, but he wasn’t a bouncer. I laughed, told him he looked authoritative, which he liked cause apparently he didn’t feel like a very authoritative person. Later that evening he bumped into me, I turned a way from my “date” for a moment to talk to him and he told me we looked good together, like him and his girlfriend before they started fighting all the time. I told her that he was a cool guy, I referred to him as my boyfriend and suggested that she approach him on my behalf, tell him that I’m really nervous and get his number for me – all of which made her crack up. We danced a little longer and even did some play fighting on the floor, mimicking our own techniques, we hold an equal rank in the art. It was fun and comfortable.
We walked back to my apartment, she told me she liked my neighborhood and we stayed up late talking in my living room, at first about ex relationships, we had both just gone through difficult breakups, she said that I seemed as if I had moved on rather well compared to a friend of hers, especially considering I had been broken up for only two months at most. She had ended a relationship in early spring and it hadn’t been long enough for her. The conversation shifted toward my research – the details of which I’ll skip, but it was a good conversation. During the which I began to realize that my attraction to this woman was in no way shallow or merely based upon her appearance, nor even a shared physical passion, nor necessarily even similar intellectual interests, which I began to suspect rested upon similar emotional problems. It was a combination of all of these things. I sensed a kindred spirit. I offered her to share my bed with me, provided she agreed not to try anything. She didn’t come at first. I couldn’t sleep and neither could she apparently. I walked to the kitchen for some more pot to help me sleep. She was still up. I told her that we weren’t allowed to talk about my dissertation again before bed and we wound up watching a movie. I sat down by her on the couch started to lean on her legs which were propped up, she asked if she should move. I told her I wanted to cuddle, she asked if that was why I couldn’t sleep. I told her she could be right and I spooned her for awhile during a movie before I started to fall asleep, I excused myself to my chambers and she followed me in later.
I let her sleep undisturbed while I prepared for work the next morning. I checked in with her sometime in the afternoon. She didn’t have any plans for the evening and we made plans to go see a spoken word play at a small theater near my place. I got home to my apartment before she did. I was asleep on the living room couch when she arrived. I woke up but I was groggy and still stoned, I didn’t fully have my bearings or feel totally at ease in the conversation, but it was good to see her and we shortly went to the play, which was a lot of fun, and we went to a small lounge across the street for beer and pizza after. We kept talking, about old mutual friends and acquaintances, our martial arts and relationships in general. I told her that live entertainment was an important part of my breakup recovery plan which she liked. She told me that she usually just trained more after a breakup. We went off to a bar with a bunch of old arcade games from the 80’s for more laughs. We walked back to my place we stayed out in the living room a bit longer, she was texting some guy who told her he was on her way to meet up with us but who didn’t make it on time. Yet again I couldn’t sleep and she couldn’t sleep. She went to the bathroom, I snuck past her and went to the kitchen for my weed stash. She came out of the bathroom, I asked if I could interest her in a sleep time aid. She thought it might help, so we talked 420 for a moment before I put on a movie. She was cool with it (420) cause her family was cool with it, as was and is mine. She had grown up around it I told her a bit about some of the legalization activism I had been doing before I put the movie we hadn’t managed to finish from the first night back on.
We spooned. Her back and body and general was really tight and not just from training. I could sense that it was emotional tension, taken out and stored up in her body; I began to sense that her athleticism and training where coping mechanism for some sort of trauma which her body was tired of carrying around for her. I started to half-assedly massage some of it out. She didn’t mind. We started to drift off, and I could feel what was at first the effect of the medicine but was a high that only comes from mutual arousal of repressed desire. I knew she could feel it because I could feel it. I pulled her into me. Her body was begging me for a release. However she quickly stopped me from performing the necessary procedure by telling me that she wasn’t ready. I respectfully backed off, but we stayed together on the couch, I believe I told her I didn’t mind (that she wasn’t ready for something more), and that I thought she was even cooler and more interesting than I had initially realized and I fell back under for while before I got up turned off the movie walked her into my room. We began to fall back asleep, I told her I thought she was pent up and carrying around a lot of tension and that I could loosen it up for her. She asked me how and I didn’t bother explaining as we both fell under. I felt her spooning me back this time.
I knew that the next day she had plans for the evening. My plan was to get through work, get some training in, get home, pass out and catch up on as much sleep as possible before she got returned While I was at work, I finally managed to get in touch with another friend from home, an instructor whom she has been closely training with for years, they’re practically siblings, I’m tighter with him than I ever had been with her and I was glad to discover that he would be staying with me as well the next day. I realized that this might put a wet blanket on things, but I was still excited to see my friend and I thought that the situation could also work for me as well. I made the mistake of assuming that he would approve of us getting closer, which turned out not to be the case.
I went to sleep early and alone that night. I woke up in the middle of the night and I heard her return from a reasonably long night of partying presumably of getting hit on by other guys. She climbed straight into bed with me. I told her that I really wanted to know all about her day but that I was nearly back asleep. She paused and told me that it was awesome before she put in earplugs to help her sleep, we got close and drifted off to sleep.
I went to work again the next day. It turned out it was her birthday. She called me while I was at work, I snuck off and we chatted for about 10 minutes. I said “hi birthday girl” I told her I’d have to get her something from the local bakery and put a candle in it, and that I had gotten in touch with A, the instructor who would be staying with us. She told me she had a good time training the night before, but was feeling down, tired of interacting with people from her group. She didn’t feel like leaving my apartment, she asked me if I’d want to hang if they went out later. I said yeah and she said she'd let me know where they wound up. I started receiving texts from our A who had just gotten into town. He was telling me that they we’re going out after the workshop but he wasn’t familiar with the area so I texted her directly and asked her for the address. He had gotten back to me with it before she did. I looked it up and mistakenly thought that it was way across on the other side of town. So I told her I wouldn’t be able to make it in time, but to let me know if they went anywhere else.
I wound up running into my best friend/wing/hetero-lifemate downstairs neighbor (S). We wound up hanging at my place, I mischivously asked him if I shold move her (D’s) stuff into my room in order to make room for his. S thought it was a good idea so I moved her stuff into my room. We were discussing my events with D over the past few days when she (D.) and he (A.) returned. It turned out that my crappy map app was wrong and they weren’t as far away as I thought they were. A. knew S. and D. had met him as well. We’re all from the same state and they three all happened to be from the same town, although the pairs of us tended to travel in different respective circles. S. ran off to grab some beer, I raided more pot from the stash, after S. got back I stuck a cheap musical candle I had bought in a canoli from a nearby shop which she blew out as I popped a party popper. The guys got silent but I could tell she loved it and it put me in a good mood. We all hung and caught up. A. was overly affectionately hostile toward me in a big brother sort of way as he often is. He told me I was gay a few too many times but it was good to see him. He sat on the futon with D. I sat on my chair on the other corner of the room at my computer and desk, while S. sat on the couch between us in the middle of the other side of the room. S. practices the same art and we talked about all of the differences in our styles, different people we all know, stuff from back home.
Eventually S. left for the evening, he in no uncertain terms offered A. a place on his couch downstairs, but A respectfully declined. D showered first, while I caught up with A. She had trouble finding her stuff since I had moved it into my room and placed A’s stuff where hers had been. It turned out contrary to what D. had told me that A. was actually single, I told him that I was recently single as well. I showered and cleaned up after D. I left them to talk, which they did off in the far corner of my living room. After I was ready to crash I boldly walked in between them put my hands on each of their shoulders and proclaimed to A that I loved him and that he’d be welcome to share my bed and most likely have sex with me the following night but that it was only right to share my bed with D since it was her B day. They talked/argued for a bit longer before she came into my room we climbed into bed together but she kept the door open and A. slept nearby in the front room. We didn’t embrace at all however we did begin conversing a bit before we nodded off when her back seized with pain. I massaged some of it out from her. A told us to go into the bathroom, assuming that he assumed my breathing and her moaning was do to something else. She asked me why he told us to go to the bathroom. I passed out.
I woke up slightly earlier before work, took out the trash, briefly shot the shit with A, who mostly kept his back turned to me and focused on his laptop. After I arrived at the office I was released from work early in order to prepare for Hurricane Irene. I sent the same text to both of them that I was on my way back, she texted back ‘cool, see you soon.’ A was heading to the beach with other students in the club, he was hanging in my living room. D was going shopping with a friend, she was hanging in my bedroom. I decided to go with neither of them, do the responsible thing and prepare for the hurricane. A looked annoyed that I didn’t go with him, but I smoked him and his ride up. I needed to do my laundry, didn’t want to do it in the rain and offered to do theirs for them. A and his ride split, I caught up on a few emails. D asked me if I wanted some eggs. I told her I would be hungry soon. We talked. I told her that I apologized if I had done anything to create any awkwardness for her. She told me that A would get possessive of her when they would travel and she’d talk to guys. The master of their group would tell him that he (A) needed to protect her. She told me that she told him that my bed was better for her back and we had been talking and cuddling and that was it. He would stop talking to her all together and she would eventually force him to interact with her. I told her I thought it was bad enough when someone you’re in a relationship with gets possessive and insecure let alone a friend. She snickered at the irony. I also told her that it seemed I had nothing to apologize for since it seemed it was A’s insecurities causing the drama and not me. I started feeling better as began collecting laundry and as she began cooking. I felt I had regained our shared frame. We talked about the hurricane. I told her I had no idea how bad it would be. She asked me if the event they had come for would happen tomorrow. I told her I hoped it would, I had some energy to burn off and I wanted to “spar” with these people.
I haughtily told her before I left the apt to drop off laundry that I was surprised A was upset since he should’ve expected me to try something. She turned around and didn’t seem to appreciate the remark, I smiled and told her I was kidding. I left, dropped off the laundry, picked up groceries, came back. She finished our omlet. I poured OJ for her and suggested we eat out in the garden, which she liked. We talked and ate. She told me amongst other things that she never dated. I told her that I never had in the past either, I had either been in a series of one night stands or serious relationships and that merely going out on dates and merely talking and overcoming my fears of rejection which are essentially the same thing as death felt liberating. She agreed that rejection is terrible since she said she had been rejected before. Our conversation seemed to begin to take a more judgmental tone. She told me that she thought that most men were too insecure. I suggested to her that many of her behaviors were designed to trigger insecurities in men. She didn’t seem to follow. I told her that she kept talking about other men when we’d talk, I also recall her talking about some modeling work she’d done for Heineken, but I failed to use this example against her. She told me that she usually talked about men, even with her girlfriends, but that she could stop if it left me intimidated, I said something to the extent of it was ok, since I knew it was designed to keep me…I can’t recall exactly but I wish I had said I found the fact she kept talking about other men endearing. I told her I had seen such behaviors before. She insited that men were insecure. I told her that there were those among us who were smart enough to basically do what women do, share our experiences and overcome our insecurities. She smiled but didn’t say much. She washed the dishes and napped on my living room futon while I caught up on some emails across the room from her. We walked to the laundry mat after she woke up so she could grab her uniform before she left to meet up with her friend. She thanked me for doing laundry, gave my arm a good squeeze and a kiss on the cheek before she turned to leave and told me she’d let me know where the party wound up after that night’s training.
I got ready for the hurricane, hung with some friends and went to a meeting I had scheduled that evening. After I returned home I got a text from her and I headed toward queens to meet them at a Tex/Mex joint. She was sitting at a table of four with A and two other women, one of whom A was interested in. D and A sat across from one another, I sat facing perpendicular to them and to the other two women at the end of the table. I introduced myself to the rest of them and tried to flirt and made small talk. A was cooler, he offered me a bunch of extra food, which hit the spot. We shortly made our way to a cramped two-story salsa club with a band that was played a good 15-20 feet off of the floor on an stage suspended from the rafters. Many of the guys in her group we’re hitting on her and dancing with her, so I did my best to politely ignore her and give her space without loosing the connection through occasional eye contact and smiles. She gave me one of her extra drinks. I talked with some of the others in her group including her and A’s instructor whom I have always been cool with and whom I hadn’t seen in ages, but many of them were knew to me. It stuck out a bit being from a different group and yet familiar with the higher ups. I danced with V who was with us at the restaurant and who was beginning to catch my attention. She had already caught A’s and it looked like they we’re pretty much done. But I danced in with her in front of D and A. It was bad, it wasn’t even a salsa style or very rythmic but we got our bodies close. D ignored a kid in her group who was really good at salsa as he held her and made his last move for the evening before we piled into V’s car and she drove us back to my place. A grabbed his stuff and left to crash with V. I found D a brace for her knee and a bandage for her ankle which she had injured pretty severely and which she was frustrated and depressed over. She stayed at my place but said she would stay on my futon that night since she found it more comfortable for her backs which since she usually slept on a hard futon. I made no protest and slept in my own room with my door closed that evening.
The next morning we woke up and began to prepare for the big event of the week – a promotion ceremony. We got ready and dressed, packed our stuff up. I told her that my plans were to hightail it back home after the event before the hurricane and that she’d be more than welcome to hole up with me and keep talking about our nerd shit. I made bacon and eggs for us, breakfast was pleasant, she felt better after some food and did the dishes. The conversation seemed to shift as we walked to the train. I wasn’t sure why at the time, but we’ve sent a few messages back and forth since and I believe in hindsight that she felt trapped. She made a pronounced disagreement with some aspect of my research that I didn’t fully catch. We didn’t talk much on the train. It was difficult to talk to her. I fell into a trance and began to meditate and prepare my mind for the event on the train ride. She nudged me and looked annoyed when we arrived at our transfer. Our transfer never came, we watched three other trains pass us by as we became late for the event. I got proactive and talked to some MTA employees and found another route but we wound up taking a cab with another woman who was heading the same way.
I smiled and asked her if there were any last minute points of etiquette I should know before we entered the school where the event was being held. She told me I was an advanced student and that I should be able to figure it out, but she still formally (re)introduced me to her masters.
At this point I fully let myself become absorbed by the energy of the event. I said hi and shook hands with all of the people I knew including a former student whom I was happy and excited to see being promoted within this particular group. We had arrived late and missed the “free-sparring” part of the event and I would have to wait awhile while students got promoted for my next chance to get into the “ring.” My former student performed extremely well, my friends remarked on the fact that I had trained him, and I felt extremely satisfied and happy. I performed well when my turn finally came and students of my rank were promoted. I had a lot of pent up energy and excitement to release, and I felt my techniques and interaction with my opponents was a bit over-enthusiastically sloppy – however my former student told me I looked good and relaxed. It was a pleasure to watch a few of my friends, including A, as well as his teachers get promoted. I was genuinely happy for them. I got to “spar” with A few times at the end of the event, which was fun and friendly.
Other students in the group later asked me where I was from, thanked me for supporting and told me “played” well. V said hi to me with a big smile on her face and we agreed that neither of us felt like just going straight home and she told me to talk to some people. D and I wound up catching a ride with M who had taken A to the beach the day before and A and V followed us back to my neighborhood for food. We stumbled around for awhile. I overheard or could simply sense that D had asked A if she could crash at her place before found a pretty decent restaurant I had never eaten at still open. I was totally broke and asked A if he’d help me out and he told me to get whatever I wanted. I wasn’t terribly hungry and had a beer and soup. I sat across from him, D sat next to him but on the other end of the table mostly excluding herself from all conversation. V sat next to A and I sat across from them next to M. S showed up shortly later and sat by me.
A and I mostly talked. I occasionally got a thread going with V who seemed to be somewhat interested in me. Much of the humor at the table wound up being at my expense. M told me that she thought I had personal issues after I talked about how I had a hard time making friends outside of the art we all practiced (friendships that aren’t based on martial arts practice often feel superficial to me), but it didn’t come out right. She told me that the waitress was cute and I should get her number. I was willing to play for a good laugh. I wound up getting criticized for being someone who’s willing to hit on women. I laughed it off and talked about how much my self-esteem had improved after I had left home and how it had just gotten worse now that home had come for a visit. We went back to my place. D went straight for the shower, preparing to bounce as I suspected. We smoked some of mine and some of M’s. Everyone seemed to like M’s better. V and I kept talking a bit more, she dug the crazy orange paint job and art on my walls and was seeming intrigued. A sat beside her on the couch in such a way as to inhibit our conversation. After we finished they got up while D grabbed her luggage, I said goodbye to everyone as they filed out of my apt wishing them luck with the hurricane. D left last gave me a hug but no smile and said thanks for letting me crash.
I got missed call and voicemail maybe half and hour from A on D’s phone, he had left his wallet on my futon. I called him back and kept it safe. I hung with S for a minute told him how things had gone, went up stairs, tried to write out this report and wound up crashing through the storm out of exhaustion.
I got a call from her on her phone later the next day, she sounded brighter and told me that they would swing by soon for A’s wallet. I texted them and told them that I had a bunch of food in case they were hungry. S texted me and told me that he was hanging and drinking in the garden with the neighbors and I should come join him which I did. D, A and V arrived shortly after, I brought them upstairs and returned A’s wallet, and invited them to chill with us. A didn’t seem too eager to hang, S told me later that it was because he wasn’t commanding the interest of the women, but D and V wanted to check out the garden which they wandered around and explored a bit before we all sat down. I sat across from D and didn’t make too much eye contact. I mostly talked with K a neighbor who was a psychologist and who wound up happening to know D’s ex boyfriend. D, A, and V left shortly after our neighbor challenged D to a death match which raised eyebrows from all of us, A looked right at me, I wasn’t sure what was up either. He eventually got up and the women got up to leave with him, I walked them out and said goodbye. D said bye last and thanked me again for letting her crash. She was smiling when I told her it was my pleasure. I saw her look back and smile when I told them that we’d party in their city the next time we got together.
I received an FB message from D two days later. She thanked me for letting her crash said she was still enjoying her post vacation high and told me she wanted to get back to NYC asap. I noticed that she was looking for a new job and was willing to relocate. I wrote her back and told her it was great getting to hang out and get to know her a little better. I told her I still wanted her opinion on my research and asked her how I could reimburse her for the event fee. She replied that it was good getting to know me as well and she said she definitely felt “awkward/less free” at a some point but she was over it. She agreed to read my paper and give me her opinion on it as well.
Overall I feel good about the fact that I finally took a risk and honestly expressed my interest in someone who I’ve long found interesting, I feel like I've become better friends with this woman which is great, however I feel uneasy about the possibility of feeling like a creep, especially in the eyes of people I’ve always respected (I won't lie, posting this feels a bit creepy).
Most importantly perhaps is that my approach anxiety has gone up since this happened. The process of writing this all out has made me aware of the fact that I’m nowhere near as charasmatic and engaging as I see myself in my own mind, which I imagine is probably the whole point but this experience hasn’t left me feeling more confident about my self. I’m not feeling very alpha, and I’ve become confused as to what exactly ‘alpha’ is. How is it different from merely being arrogant, or egocentric, overconfident, condesending, patronizing, vain, or cocky – without the funny? Is it even possible to be alpha without being any of these other things? I may be wrong but I really feel like I got cockblocked by my ego, I’d like to do something about it and any advice on how to do this would be most welcome!
Best,
Scud
