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Breaking the cycle of cynicism
#1

Breaking the cycle of cynicism

Some people call me a cynic. For better or worse, that's evidently the lens I have opted to view the world in (and ramped up to 11 since being redpilled). The problem I've found is that it isn't helpful to oneself. Or constructive. Or healthy.

I still believe a bit of cynicism can be helpful, as in knowing who to trust and who not to. For knowing when you're being bullshitted.

However I've found the more you give into it, it becomes a feedback loop and a self fulfilling prophecy. When you look for reasons to see the negative side of everything, well...your outlook becomes negative...which in turn affects your mindset...which produces real, tangible, negative results.

If you look for the dark side of everything in life, that's all you see. Staring into the abyss, and all that...

Now if you were to ask me "When has being overly cynical impacted your life in a negative way?" I would have to say that it's difficult to determine exact moments. But I can confidently say it's the overall lowering of the bar of how you see other people, their intentions, and the world, that closes you off from the positive things in the world, and it's plain to see that produces less than stellar outcomes.

RVF poster Beyond Borders had a post on his bog that touched on a similar subject, which I pasted below. When I read stuff like this, it makes me think "What the fuck is wrong with the way I view the world?" Unfortunately his blog appears to be down but I pulled this up on the wayback machine:

Quote:Quote:

How (and Why) to Make Everyone in the World Your Friend
Posted on December 1, 2015 by Beyond Borders • 8 Comments
Do you ever feel alone…?

Or, like every person who bothers to interact with you wants something from you?

That people only open you or approach you to serve their own interests?

That the random interactions you have in your everyday life are meaningless, pointless, and shallow?

At a young age, it always struck me how there could be thousands of people around you, the houses and the lives inside them stretching for miles, and yet you’d still feel all alone.

But Are You Really Alone?

Or just alienated by way you respond to the people around you?

In a recent thread at the RVF, a guy was struggling with depression, and I interpreted (right or wrong) that one of his issues was constantly trying to seek out social interactions that would produce a result – like trying to meet the coolest people or find hot women who were all alone so he could try to seduce them.

Here’s a guy who lacks the social skills to break into these circles or seduce women of this caliber…

Yet every moment of his life, he’s sacrificing chances to connect with the people around him.

Haven’t we all been guilty of that at times?

It’s like how always thinking about some theoretical “later” can rob you of the riches in the present…

Constantly Seeking Out Those Perfect Social Situations Robs You Of The Social Potential In Every Moment.

Among some other pieces of advice, I did my best to describe how I constantly interact with people as I go about my day.

How I constantly joke with people or talk with them or do them small favors.

And I also mentioned all the ways this pays off.

You can read that post here if you like.

He replied that he’d tried doing something similar to that, but that it seemed most people he encountered were people he would never meet again, and that it therefore felt “shallow/empty/meaningless.” That it was pleasurable and enjoyable but producing no results.

You know what…

It’s Hard To Truly Connect With Others When You Only Do it to “Get.”

After all, if you just want a result, who is making it meaningless and shallow?

It’s only that way because you frame it that way in your mind.

That’s a choice.

And it’s a perfect example of how your thoughts affect how you feel.

It’s this type of thinking that makes everyday social interactions “wasted” and leads to nothing ever coming of it…

And it’s one of the reasons so many people feel alone.

Here’s How I Frame My Constant Reaching Out.

It’s my way of making the world a better place.

If I leave a smile on someone’s face, I made their day better.

If I change someone else’s dark thoughts and re-establish their hope in humanity, even for a moment, to me that’s worth it.

If I shake someone up and make them laugh, well, yeah, it’s fun for me too, but if laughter is the best medicine, in a way I may be healing them.

If I shatter some local Filipino guy’s perception of “rich, selfish foreigners who think they’re better than us,” or, back in California, some minority kid’s perception that “white guys are afraid of me,” I’ve broken through someone’s ignorance and forced them to question a poisonous stereotype.

I’ll Give You Some Examples Of How This Thinking Manifests in My Life.

The other night, this really big Indian guy walked by my in the club, and I could see he was fucked up. I stopped him and we bullshitted for a little bit. Friendly enough guy, just wasted.

I told him he should drink some water, and he said, “That’s probably a good idea.” And his eyes swam a bit, but he just went back to his corner of the bar.

I ordered a glass of water, walked up and tapped him on the shoulder, handed it to him, and then walked away. You should have seen the look on his face…

He came up to me a little bit afterward telling me, “You’re a good man.” Dropped his business card on me and said if I was going to be in Manila he was really established here and to get in touch.

A couple nights later, I was walking back from the 7/11 with these two broads, and two Filipino guys, University students, I think, were sitting on the steps. One was helping the other, who was trying his hardest not to puke. A block later, I saw a little convenience store, so I told the girls to wait. I went inside, bought a bottle of water, walked back, and gave it to the guy to give to his friend.

The girls were looking at me like I was insane…this isn’t an environment where you interact with random strangers on a dark street or go out of your way for them.

But the gratitude on the guys’ faces that I should do such a thing for no apparent reason…to me that’s all the reason in the world to do it. I shifted their perception of other people – their perception of foreigners.

Now, A Cynic Might Argue I Did These Things To Impress The Girls.

In both instances above I had girls with me. Your everyday “realist” will tell you that was my motive.

Stay away from these people.

Because they are poison.

They’re always looking for “reasons” behind good deeds, and they’ll always find them because they’re looking. And if you buy into that thinking, it will make you and your problems worse.

The thing is I’ve done this very thing when I was all alone, more times than I can count, and will do it time and time again in the future.

I’ve been doing just that most of my life.

And even if you could argue I do it to make myself feel good, isn’t it still better than the alternative?

Let Me Tell You Another Story That Exemplifies The Plight Of The Cynic.

One time I found this English guy on the side of the road in Cambodia without a shirt or shoes. He’d been knocked out by a tuk tuk driver the night before and had his wallet stolen – didn’t even know where his room was.

He looked a bit nuts at first, but I pulled over and talked to him. I picked him up on my motorbike and told him I’d help him figure out where his hotel was. On the way, I pulled into one of my regular restaurants.

“My money’s all gone,” he said.

“Don’t worry about it. Breakfast is on me – you need food.”

And I shit you not, he broke down in tears.

A grown man, the owner of a concrete business back in the UK, just sitting there crying in front of me in the middle of this restaurant.

“Who the fuck are you?” he says. “I don’t know anyone who would do all this. Nobody does this kind of thing.”

Uh, Yeah, Buddy, Actually, They Do…

Why doesn’t he know people who would do that?

I know a lot that would.

I’ll tell you why. Because he wouldn’t do it, that’s why.

Your illusions become your reality.

And when you close yourself off to the world and always seek a result from every interaction, well, that’s what you see all around you (like this depressed guy talking about how people only open him if they want to sell something.)

It took us half the day to find his place. He was staying in a 5-star hotel. He offered me money. He told me to go get my girlfriend and come back later for dinner on him.

I didn’t go back because I didn’t want it to become about the result…

I would never want it to become about the result.

I just told him to repay the favor to a stranger in the future. And if he truly does, how do you think it will affect the way he sees others?

If You Lived Out Some Real-World Version of the movie “Pay it Forward,” How Would it Affect Your Reality?

I see small kindnesses everywhere.

Isn’t the way it affects my vision of the world enough?

I could never recall all the random strangers who’ve helped me or opened their doors to me, often with no hope of anything in return and often even refusing “repayment.”

Why is that?

Part of me believes it’s because your illusions become your reality.

Part of me believes I see it and receive it because I deserve it, and maybe that’s a farfetched, even narcissistic thought.

But who cares? It’s not harming anyone to think that.

It’s only helping me – it’s only helping others. I earn it every day in every way I can think of, and it’s become a part of my personality and the vibe I give off, so mabe I deserve to be deluded.

I’ve Been Here Where I’m At Now For a Month – Manila, The Philippines.

I walk into the coffee shop and everyone knows my name and my order.

I walk into the local karaoke bar and the local pub and everyone knows my name and my order and the songs I want to sing.

I go the local market to eat and several shopkeepers come up to say hi to me or shake my hand.

The guy in the hotel said to me today, “How are you, Sir?” When I said “good,” he replied, “It seems you’re always feeling good, Sir.” Because I constantly project goodwill towards him, even when my day isn’t going as planned. I walk in and it gets better just by treating someone like a person when I don’t have to. In fact, unlike most foreigners, I call him “sir” back.

I was up in this swanky rooftop club for the second time recently and the bartenders already remembered my name and were giving me Belgian ales free of charge and then asked me if I wanted some cocktails. This is a place full of white foreigners just like me (most with a lot more money), so what makes them remember me so fast?

A moment later I met a French guy who started ranting to me about how the bartender was a snake and would always try to overcharge – the very same guy who’d been feeding me free booze all night. And what’s worse is I suspect the Frenchman was reading an honest mistake as an attempt to scam him…

Anyone you talk to, even other Africans, will rant to you about how Nigerians are the scum of the Earth. “Don’t even talk to them,” they’ll say.

The Nigerians I’ve met have been nothing but grand.

They picked me up in their SUVs in Phnom Penh and took me all over the city and paid for everything. They’d buy high-end bottles of whiskey all night and refuse my contribution (in fact, I can’t ever recall having a drink with a Nigerian that didn’t insist to buy the first round).

One guy wanted to fly me with him to Nigeria to show me what his country was really like. I’ve been so drunk with them late at night I couldn’t see straight or even figure out where I was, and they rolled me into a cab and sent me back to my hotel.

I could go on with anecdotes all day…

Why Do I Get These Reactions From People?

Is it really possible for you or is it because I have good social skills already?

I’m sure that’s part of it.

But how can you establish your own without building the experiences first? By starting at the bottom and working your way up.

And how can you desire it if you can’t even see the good in people?

I think it happens because this has been my go-to behavior and thought process for so long that it has become my reality. It’s who I am.

And when you reach out to people constantly and engage with people constantly, not because you want to get something from them but because you’ve truly convinced yourself that it makes the world a better place…

…Well, How Can That Part Of Your Very Personality Not Eventually Draw People To You?

How can people not get a kick out of interacting with you?

And not want to be around you and part of your world?

People are a lot better at instinctually reading you than you could possibly think.

So, sure, you can build more grounded social networks eventually. Especially if you stay in one place and keep doing this instead of constantly being on the move like I am.

But what I’m talking about is the difference between reaching out to people because you need the attention…

…Or reaching out to people because you suspect they might be the ones who need it.

Eventually Someone Has to Do the Reaching…

Over the years I’ve noticed that people often wear the disinterested look on their face as a mask. It’s like they’re just trying convince themselves they don’t need anyone else (sound familiar?).

Often, these people are dying for interaction.

Go into a bar at Happy Hour and you’ll often find a guy sitting there all by himself. Big fella with a huge beer gut. Blue collar look about him. Grumpy and closed off.

You’re both sitting there and his eyes are glued to the TV and neither of you cares what’s on there, do you?

You’re just fixing your eyes there because there’s nowhere else to fix them.

And the last thing you want to do is bug him or make yourself so vulnerable to reach out…

After All, You Can’t Afford To Show Weakness To A Guy Like This…

He might even purposely avoid looking at you.

Or if you say hi, he’ll nod grudgingly and go back to the TV.

But stop for a second…if this guy is so resistant to human interaction, what the fuck is he doing at a bar in the early evening when he could be sitting on his couch in front of the TV, alone, drinking the same beer and paying a lot less?

Clearly he’s hungry for human interaction.

And clearly so are you.

Yet you sit there trying not to look at each other and both pretending you don’t give a shit.

Over Time I Started Making It A Point To Break The Ice With These Guys.

Sometimes it takes a couple tries, but you say something about whatever you both don’t give a shit about on TV.

Or you get right to the point and ask him where he’s from or how his day is going.

It’s funny because they’ll always act a bit caught off guard at first. Or act grumpy and dismissive.

It’s a defense.

But you do it again and you can see him come alive, how suddenly the wall comes tumbling down and his entire expression changes. And suddenly he’s gabbing with you, and you’re making a new friend.

And you know what?

These manly, closed off, good ole’ boys often turn out to be the most generous, accommodating people on Earth…

I’ve Seen This Phenomenon All Over The World.

People act like they don’t care, but they’re protecting themselves.

When I walk through the backstreets of Cambodia or Thailand, or even in Western Europe or wherever, certain people do their best to ignore me a lot of the time. They’ll often avoid your eyes and maybe even have their scowl on their face, as if trying to repel you.

And it would be so easy to think, “Ah they must hate foreigners.” I’ve thought it often myself.

But I’ve made it a game to look right at them and smile and say, “How are you?” Preferably in their own language.

Or even just smile that big warm, genuine, welcoming smile. The game is “Can I Crack Through?”

And I tell you 8 times out of 10 their face explodes into a smile back.

And I find it was all a defense mechanism.

And the crabby old grandma running the family restaurant next to your hotel, the one who was always scowling at you, is eventually bringing you plates of fruit to snack on whenever you come in to eat and trying to marry you off to her grand-daughters.

Even Now Sometimes They Fool Me.

I was in this cheap little garage gym yesterday, and I’d never seen a white guy in there before. And this skinny English guy was doing pull-ups. As he walked past me, I said, “Hey, how’s it going, Man?”

And he had an angry look on his face and turned away and walked outside for a break between his sets.

Even with all the times I’ve seen guys do this, I couldn’t help but be a little offended. I said outloud, “Okaaay guy.” Hey, I’m only human, and inside I’m thinking, “Jesus, some of these fucking foreigners acting like you’re stepping on their turf because they’re not the only white face in the room.”

You know what? Five minutes later the guy had regrouped, and he came back in and you could see he made it a point to wander my way and rebreak the ice with me, and next thing you know we were having a conversation.

Silly me.

He was apologizing without apologizing. The wall was down.

People Want Interaction; They Just Have Their Guard Up.

And part of me actually believes that the guy will be a little more open to other people next time.

What’s more is I’ll probably see him in there again, and who knows what kind of connection he could turn into.

What’s better, though, is the presence you build there in the room over time. All the Filipinos working out in there and all the staff already know my name and are all constantly talking with me whenever I come in for the simple reason that I carry myself like this every single time I walk in. They give me foods to try, they invite me to parties. I constantly have to break off conversations just to do my sets.

Why?

Because this who I am and they know that.

So whether the interaction turns into anything directly tangible for me, the fact that THIS IS WHO I AM CONSTANTLY pays dividends you couldn’t put a price tag on. And, like anything, over time that interest compounds.

This One Girl I’m Seeing Now Is A Real Cynic.

I’m not much for cynics, especially the idea of dating cynical girls. Cynics are poisonous thinkers, and they can poison you.

But I can see it’s a mask, and I don’t take it all that seriously. Not to mention that, hell, if I was a Southeast Asian gal dealing with a semi-young, hot-blooded white male on her home turf, I’d start off a bit cynical too…

She’s always dogging on other Filipinas doing “sweet things” – like bringing food for guys they just met or otherwise buttering them up. She’s a tough nut to crack. [Image: wink.gif]

“Being sweet is bullshit,” she says. “It’s not real.”

In the case of poorer Filipinas trying to land a guy to take care of them, I suppose this is true. They give to get. She can afford to frown on it because she’s got plenty of money.

But I can see one of the reasons this girl is attracted to me is because of the way I can walk into a room and interact with every person there. That within thirty minutes of entering the club I’ve spoken with just about everyone in my vicinity instead of putting on airs.

So one night she gave me the “sweet is bullshit” line when I reprimanded her about bratty tough-girl behavior.

I Got Real for a Second.

Leaned in with my hand on her shoulder, looked her in the eyes, and said, “Let me ask you something. When you see me being so friendly and open with everyone, do you think that’s really who I am? Or do you think that’s bullshit?”

She got a little starry-eyed as she explored my gaze.

Trying to determine if her own gut could be trusted.

“No,” she said, finally. “I really don’t.”

“So being sweet isn’t bullshit, is it? Not always. Some people are just that way. And by cutting yourself off from that, you only hurt yourself.”

You could almost see her muscles relax…

The wall came down a little bit further…

And I Think She Saw In That Moment It Was Guardedness That Was Bullshit Rather Than The “Sweetness.”

I reach out to people because that’s who I want to be, not because I want something from them.

Do I want to have sex with this girl?

Of course I do, but that’s not the only reason I look her directly in her eyes and get real with her.

Do I want people to like me?

Of course I do, but that’s not the only reason I compliment them or do them favors.

Do I want people to do nice things for me or to introduce me to their cool friends?

Of course I do, but that’s not the only reason I ask them their name, where they’re from, and what it’s like being them…

I reach out to people because, whether someone else calls it horseshit or not…

I’ve Convinced Myself This Behavior Makes Life A Little Bit Brighter…

So, give sincere compliments.

Make people laugh.

Make the bubble of world just around you a slightly better place…

And even if it doesn’t pay off in the beginning, you’ll feel better.

You’ll be less depressed. And so will those who come into contact with you.

You’ll be less poisoned by cynicism.

And you’ll have a lot more faith in humanity because, well…

All you have to do to see that there’s still good in people…is look inside of yourself…

And what better result could you ask for than that?


This guy has one of the best outlooks, and I'm frankly envious of the way he sees things obviously leads to him having a more fulfilling life. I'm starting to come around to the idea that being cynical is, well, a path to misery and unfulfillment.

I would very much like to hear the opinions of other men on RVF about this topic. Are you a cynic? An optimist? How did you come to your conclusions, and what has been the result? If you're a former cynic, how did you evolve past that mindset?

"Does PUA say that I just need to get to f-close base first here and some weird chemicals will be released in her brain to make her a better person?"
-Wonitis
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#2

Breaking the cycle of cynicism

[Image: clap2.gif]

Over the past year or so, I wonder if providence has been shining upon me, illuminating a path that I should be taking. It seems like I'm getting pieces of guidance such as OP's post that steers me to the right direction when I feel like I'm slipping.

I've always been a pessimist, looking for the worst in all things. It becomes easier to be this way with all the social media especially the craziness going on with the people blindingly hating trump and the political climate.

Let me tell you though, looking for the worst, having negative thoughts, expecting the worst has not done me any favors. Not only does it poison your mindset as you said OP, but you basically attract the poison. Even if you do find something worthwhile, you either poison it or you scare it off.

I'm in my early 30s, career is finally where I want it to be, in shape and have hobbies etc but something is missing. Well, what's missing is it's been a year since my last LTR and I'm on a 6 month dry spell so that adds to it but I've also been doing some reading and soul searching and everything I've been exposed to points to the idea that I need to start serving for the sake of serving to add purpose to my life. I have to take it upon me to make the world a slightly better place from my own actions.

Thank you OP for posting this.
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#3

Breaking the cycle of cynicism

Thanks for sharing that post. It's incredibly humbling to read from someone who has only recently started patching a chip on their shoulder.
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#4

Breaking the cycle of cynicism

Here's my take on this.

I do agree that constant cynicism is a path to misery.

First you have to draw the line between cynicism and reality. There are certain truths about the world that we must accept and if you bring these up to the people around you they will label you as 'cynical'.

Because self-preservation and self-protection are deep rooted psychologically most people want to live in a fantasy world. I personally believe in facing reality head on, and facing whatever uncomfortable truths there are.

I won't go into the topic more because it would be a long discussion, and we have a deep forum and resources. (I recommend books on Stoicism and Buddhism)

Onward.

The biggest change that helped me was to identify all the irrational beliefs I had. At first it's tough because your mental filter won't let you find them.

The following are just examples.

That hot girl is dating a guy that is a total beta. She's probably going to cheat on him. (Fortune telling, in reality you have no evidence at all.)

That guy totally screwed me on that deal, I can't trust people anymore. (You're taking one negative experience and extrapolating to all other future events, which are impossible to predict.)

She didn't text me back, this girl's a total bitch.
(You're mislabeling the situation, especially if her behavior beforehand was polite)

I totally messed up with that girl, I'm a failure.
(Black and white thinking)

Being in this sphere too long can be draining. All you hear are stories of divorce, cheating, every girl is a slut, SJWs everywhere, mob rule, etc. etc. etc. While you can't deny that these things happen, it's not all that bad out there.

Try something for fun. Pick a person you believe has no experience with the red pill. Preferably someone older, not someone young and naive. Maybe an older guy who's been married to his HS sweetheart for 20 years and is in a happy marriage. Tell him your beliefs. He'll probably look at you like you're a crazy person. (I tried it a few times and that's what happened.)

So weigh the evidence and start identifying irrational beliefs one by one.

Ask yourself.

Where is holding this belief getting me?

What is the evidence to support it?

If you haven't done so research REBT it really helps in this regard.

Hope this helps.
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#5

Breaking the cycle of cynicism

I really enjoyed this post, and the quoted blog post from the excellent and hopefully not permanently departed Beyond Borders.

I think cynicism is one of the most destructive things to the realisation of talent. It has a tremendous effect on your resilience, and therefore your ability to toil in the face of adversity. Ultimately, I think it is a barrier to accomplishing anything of real significance.

I often sit in my comfy armchair in front of my fire at night and wonder what it is that makes me so good at what I do, and why my employees, who are such brilliant, capable, really genuinely excellent and supremely talented people, could not begin to do what I do or build what I have built, despite the fact that they've been the ones to produce so much of what's remarkable for my business. Why, for all their stated ambition, are they ultimately so unlikely to succeed on their own - not in the way that we will succeed together under my direction?

I think cynicism is a huge part of the explanation. Cynicism is an attitude which expects problems to be insurmountable, resources to be too scarce, and ultimately for success to be something that belongs to other people.

Cynicism is a hurdle when dealing with a problem in the abstract. Any good engineer settles down to a problem they know can be solved and relishes the battle - and good engineers triumph usually. What they are much less good at, and people are much less good at generally, is confronting problems for which they have no frame of reference, and which they aren't sure how to start on, let alone whether they can be solved.

Cynicism is a self-protection device for the intelligent. My boys are really, genuinely, brilliantly clever. They may well be cleverer than me, should such a thing be possible [Image: wink.gif]. Their worst habit though is that they use cynicism as a crutch to ensure they look smart when they fail. I have built a business that's really smart and worth millions, in tech, with no STEM background, and without even a higher qualification in maths or any science. I am coming around, belligerently, to the idea that I may never be a genius scientist, engineer, or philosopher. However, what I am really good at is driving innovation, and the entrepreneurial stuff - because I don't ever look at a problem expecting it to be insurmountable, I have a very free and expansive way of confronting these roadblocks. I believe a sincere lack of cynicism, manifested in a very effective approach to problem solving, is a large part of being able to enjoy real success in the area I've chosen, despite my relative disadvantage not having a useful scientific background.

Ultimately cynicism is an attitude that accepts, and indeed expects, failure, and is most prevalent amongst men bright enough not to have to settle for that lot. I look around at the amount of talent wasted to cynicism, which may be an inbuilt attitude that people can't just change their thinking on, and think it's really terribly sad. It's a real motivating factor to me, and my monstrous ego, that I can build a team of incredibly smart young guys and give them the direction they need to do something significant in spite of themselves. It is a source of real satisfaction that I can take their talent and force them to apply it with ruthless focus and simply not to give them the opportunity to fail and prove themselves 'right'. These guys still (seriously) laugh at me every time I'm enthusiastic and determined in the face of failure, uncompromising in the face of their assertions that something cannot be done, and optimistic that 'this time we're there' even if it's revision 20 of a project measured in years. What they are unable to comprehend, and recognise the magnitude of, is that when we succeed on revision 21, that is the manifestation of what I have expected all along and something that they would never have allowed for as a possibility - despite their having been the ones to do the hard yards of developing and implementing it.

Heaven forbid these guys ever shed their cynicism and realised just how good they could be.
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#6

Breaking the cycle of cynicism

Rhyme or Reason can you post the link to his blog and/or this specific blog post. I'd like to see what else he's written.
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#7

Breaking the cycle of cynicism

One guy I know is pretty much the happiest person I've ever met. Never seen him without a huge grin on his face. I asked him his secret. He said,

Quote:Quote:

It's a choice I make every single day.

It's literally that simple. Except it's not, right? Especially when you've trained yourself via habit to look at everything in a negative light. In the end, being cynical comes down to choosing to be cynical.

Like that blog says,

Quote:Quote:

It’s only that way because you frame it that way in your mind.

That’s a choice.

Two people can view the same event and interpret it in amazingly different ways. This is why we are in the middle of a cultural war with the left vs the right. Same with happiness vs cynicism.

The cynic sees something and asks, "Can I find the inner evil in this? What's wrong about this?"

The happy person sees something and asks, "Can I find the inner good in this? What's right about this?"

It's a perpetual cycle like you said, and the only way to break it is to catch yourself when you unconsciously think cynically, and consciously force yourself to think happily. It's very tough to break your habits, but I believe happiness is one of the greatest virtues we have as humans, and cynicism, as you said, only holds you back. Happy may not be the best word to be the opposite of cynical, but it's the best one I can come up with off the top of my head. Contentment is also a good emotion to strive towards.

Good luck, it's a tough but worthwhile journey.
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#8

Breaking the cycle of cynicism

Quote: (02-05-2017 11:16 PM)BetaNoMore Wrote:  

Over the past year or so, I wonder if providence has been shining upon me, illuminating a path that I should be taking. It seems like I'm getting pieces of guidance such as OP's post that steers me to the right direction when I feel like I'm slipping.

Stephen Covey has said something along the lines of it doesn't matter what happens to you in life but rather how you respond to it. I truly believe his is right, and that it is the key to so many things. i'm not perfect by any means, but i have been blessed with the grace to generally have a positive mental attitude regardless of what happens.

OP and others above make a better point that you can't go through life thinking of it as an exchange. don't keep score. the more you give, the more you will get.

No one is perfect, and there will be people in your life who come to you only when they need your value. I recently just had it happen to me with a family member. Do your best to respond with equanimity. Look for the opportunity in every situation.
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#9

Breaking the cycle of cynicism

I just took the time to read through the OP and boy, that is such a great outlook.

Our internal and external realities are deeply linked in a way that is difficult to understand and cannot be explained by science (I majored in a hard science so I don't say this lightly).

The moment you change your internal reality (the world model inside your head) your external reality starts to shift too, to match it.

James Allen describes this phenomenon in "As A Man Thinketh" (a short book but highly recommended).

Quote:Quote:

The outer conditions of a person's life will always be found to be harmoniously related to his inner state...Men do not attract that which they want, but that which they are.

We all know this to be true, but we all forget it.

It has become apparent to me that a lot of red pill "wisdom" is thinly disguised negativity. Whether a belief is true or not is in many cases irrelevant, the only thing that matters is the effect it has on your life.

You see everywhere, and ultimately receive into your life what you believe to be true. Example:

Negative guy walks into a bar and thinks "Urgh look at these shallow bitches, they're probably going to make it really hard for me to game them".
Positive guy walks into a bar and thinks "I'm the shit I bet all of these girls want to sleep with me.'

Who has the more accurate belief?

In this case negative guy has a more accurate belief than positive guy. Positive guy is delusional. Of course he can't get all of the girls in the bar to sleep with him. But he is far more likely to get one girl to sleep with him, so this "false" belief leads to better results than negative guy.

So we can see that "truthfulness" of a belief is not related at all to its usefulness.

That's weird. On the face of it, the less "true" belief gets better results. But surely the merit of the truthfulness of a belief should be evaluated ONLY on its results?

So perhaps we need to re-examine what truth actually means. Maybe we need to redefine "truth" as "accuracy as perceived by my current model of reality". And maybe your current model of reality is flawed.

Great example the OP gave was effectively a belief in Karma. A true conviction that every little nice act, every moment of genuine human connection, every reaching out to a person in need even when it's the fat overweight blue collar guy - the sum of these will pay dividends in his own life even if its just to make him feel happy with himself.

Is Karma literally true?

Yes, it literally is true for the person who believes in it and implements it wholeheartedly.

So how do you make the jump from not believing in Karma (or any other helpful belief) to believing it?

You cannot do it by logic. By definition you cannot change your beliefs with logic. It will just go round in circles and come back to zero again.

You must do it by faith. Faith in the sense of "complete trust or confidence in someone or something without supporting evidence".

The evidence comes after you adopt the belief, not before. That's what faith is.

My blog: https://fireandforget.co

"There's something primal about choking a girl. I always choke a girl as soon as possible after meeting her, it never fails to get the pussy juices flowing."
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#10

Breaking the cycle of cynicism

Quote: (02-05-2017 10:34 PM)Rhyme or Reason Wrote:  

...
I'm starting to come around to the idea that being cynical is, well, a path to misery and unfulfillment.
Agree!

Quote: (02-05-2017 10:34 PM)Rhyme or Reason Wrote:  

...Are you a cynic? An optimist? How did you come to your conclusions, and what has been the result? If you're a former cynic, how did you evolve past that mindset?
I'm part cynic and part optimist but definitely working to be more of an optimist.

There are a lot of things we can do in our lives to be more positive and optimistic.

Taking care of our physical health
Nutrition, sleep, exercise, stress levels, etc. We can continuously improve on these things and they have a huge effect on our mindset.

Activities that sharpen our mindset and mental health
Meditation, yoga, making gratitude lists, helping others, etc. I know a lot of these things might not be considered masculine but they work well for making men's lives better and that is what matters.

A quick google search can lead to dozens of websites with lists of activities for being more positive and optimistic. This blog is one example - http://www.positivityblog.com/ The key is consistently executing these activities.

Learning to staying positive within the manosphere
I think all of us reading this thread know that staying positive in the manosphere is a challenge. The manoshpere can be a cynical group and our own individual cynicism probably played a role in our attraction to the manosphere.

The manosphere has been very helpful for me in identifying my own weaknesses including my negativity. I'm stealing this quote but I can't remember where it came from - "It is hard to see the ingredients when you are inside the bottle". It is hard to see yourself as you truly are because your brain is designed so that you rationalize away all of your weaknesses. But in the manosphere you see guys who are just like you and their problems seem obvious to you, until you begin to realize you have those problems also. Fortunately, the cynicism of others can help us understand our own cynicism and improve upon it.

Many of the problems we discuss in the manosphere are legitimate problems so we can't just ignore them. I think we have to accept that we will always be in a gray area for accepting the truth but trying to stay positive.

I think there are times when we need to understand the negative aspects of something (person, place, culture, etc.) so that we can accept those negative aspects and then begin to focus on the positive aspects or take action to improve the negative aspects. I also think we need to work hard to ensure that we quickly move from understanding negativity to focusing on positivity or taking action.

Leadership
Leadership can be a vague concept because there are times when you see it and you know it is there but you can't define it. There is a lot of leadership in that blog post from Beyond Borders. I know it's there, I can feel it, but it is difficult to define it.

In my opinion, leadership is a weakness in the manosphere. I can't precisely define this either but I think there are times when we are more talk than action, we exaggerate some of the negativity in the topics we talk about, and we have trouble working together because we expect everyone else to have all of the exact same views as ourselves.

Perhaps I’m stretching things a little bit but I see a direct relationship between positivity, leadership, and accomplishing our objectives. I’ve had the opportunity to become friends with several men who served in military special operations. Those guys have their brains wired to focus on the positive and they are excellent leaders so that is where I see the connection.

One of those friends is constantly talking about “perception, action, will – focus on the positive, take action, follow through” to the point where it gets stuck repeating in your brain like a broken record. I think this methodology of positivity and taking action is a starting point for overcoming cynicism as well as making improvements to our lives and the lives of others.
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#11

Breaking the cycle of cynicism

Thanks everyone for the great input. I'm glad to see how others here make sense of all this stuff. I suppose, like anything else, it's a matter of habit. Habits which indeed get very hard to break as time goes on. I'm still working on it. Currently, I'm in a transitional phase of sorts, during which it can be hard to see what's what.

Rafaeld makes a good point...that being it's an issue of faith. That takes some serious adjustment of how one sees the world.

"Does PUA say that I just need to get to f-close base first here and some weird chemicals will be released in her brain to make her a better person?"
-Wonitis
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#12

Breaking the cycle of cynicism

What's that old phrase?

Quote:Quote:

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.

Hopeful enough & wanting to improve matters, yet wise enough to know humans are not perfect, therefore no human endeavour or human system will be perfect either...


Used to be far more cynical in mindset & as such, more nihilistic & much more apathetic.
Yes I realize the username is rather distinct & I'd probably change it if given the option.
Yet I now benefit from having a far more pragmatic, positive & pro-active mindset.

In fact, my mindset is rather pragmatic, positive & pro-active to the point where I didn't find Mike Cernovich's book 'Gorilla Mindset' all that amazing.
There's nothing wrong with his book or this style.
Just that, after listening to Joe Rogan promote a pragmatic, positive & pro-active lifestyle for a few years.
All the while acting upon that advice, then discovering the 'Red-Pill' as well.
I essentially had a proverbial 'gorilla mindset' already.

Another part was realizing how quickly my 20's had slipped through my fingers.
Figured I'd better make the most of my 30's & onwards.
As such, I shifted towards a mindset of setting & achieving goals. Experiencing new endeavours. Travelling more.
Essentially just enjoying life for what it is & what it offers.

Don't really have any interest in bungie jumping, yet looking down on Vegas from 100 stories up with no net was quite a thrill, amongst others.
[Image: 1_insanity-mobile-2.jpg]

Then last year, training for & having my first amateur kickboxing bout definitely allowed me to learn more about setting goals & more about myself.

You may need to forego the opinions of others. Even those close to you.
You may be limited due to finances (hiking up a mountain during a glorious sunset doesn't cost much though).
You may need to set your own path.

Ultimately it's all about ones choices.
Choose to wallow in your own misery or carpe diem.

Personally, I'd done so much in the way of 'experience' in the past few years, that I'd almost run out of things to do.
Yet listening to Henry Rollins recently, upped the inspiration. Even if he is a bit of a lefty git.


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#13

Breaking the cycle of cynicism

Thank you, Rhyme or Reason, for sharing this piece. I only saw this just now after another member mentioned it.

It's always a treat reading something you've written quite some time ago - like a peek into the past at things that were going through your mind in a specific time and place. I've been a hermit lately since I got back off the booze and staying hyper-focused on my fiction writing.

Which is a great place for me to be right now.

But reading this here was a reminder to me of how much I love interacting with people. I've gotten some messages about this article, and I am really flattered it had an effect on some of you guys.

Overcoming cynicism is no easy task. Like anyone else, I've had my share of times getting burnt, betrayed, cheated on, attacked, stolen from, etc...

I find that in those times where it allowed me to become more "realistic" in my interactions with others, I began walking around with a dark cloud over my life that affected myself more than anyone else, that held me down more than it held off any threats I was hoping to avoid.

Life has dealt me some tough hands and I've been on the receiving end of the worst in people, which has certainly wavered my faith in humanity from time to time. But somehow or another I always find it in me to come back looking at the positive to an extreme some might find naive. I'll tell you one thing - I always feel better and see more success in life when I do.

I have my defenses and walls like anyone else. I tend to treat people like I'm expecting the best but yet inside stay somewhat unattached to outcome, so if they do let me down, I won't be too disappointed. And I try to be forgiving when they fail because we're all just human - I myself have failed more times than I can count.

It can be a tough balance to strike - guarding your own interests while opening yourself to the abundance of everyday interactions. I really think the best advice I can give on the matter is that you have to grow unattached to the outcome as much as possible and be confident in your own ability to adapt to whatever transpires as a result. The best way to prepare for the unexpected is not to make it go away but to be skilled in living with unpredictability.

Stoic philosophy is a good place to start. Here's a great one from The Last of the Good Emperors himself:

Quote:Quote:

“Begin each day by telling yourself: Today I shall be meeting with interference, ingratitude, insolence, disloyalty, ill-will, and selfishness – all of them due to the offenders’ ignorance of what is good or evil. But for my part I have long perceived the nature of good and its nobility, the nature of evil and its meanness, and also the nature of the culprit himself, who is my brother (not in the physical sense, but as a fellow creature similarly endowed with reason and a share of the divine); therefore none of those things can injure me, for nobody can implicate me in what is degrading. Neither can I be angry with my brother or fall foul of him; for he and I were born to work together, like a man’s two hands, feet or eyelids, or the upper and lower rows of his teeth. To obstruct each other is against Nature’s law – and what is irritation or aversion but a form of obstruction.”

― Marcus Aurelius, Meditations

Observe how he finds peace with others not by ignoring the wickedness and ignorance they are capable of but instead acknowledging and even expecting it. He talks about how living in a state of "aversion" just obstructs your ability to work with others and your own ability to live a more evolved life. You have to cooperate with others to get anything done anyways, and to get through your daily life, so you might as well accept all facets of their nature.

This is much like the practice of meditating on your inevitable death as a way to free yourself of the fear of mortality. If you try to avoid death, you will constantly live in avoidance of danger and lose all opportunity to live, maybe even the ability to enjoy.

If you focus on your death and then accept it, and live in spite of it, you find the courage to make the most of your time here.

I certainly haven't mastered life, but I find returning to these basic principles always works for me.

Beyond All Seas

"The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe.
To be your own man is a hard business. If you try it, you'll be lonely often, and sometimes
frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself." - Kipling
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#14

Breaking the cycle of cynicism

Quote: (10-21-2017 12:54 AM)Beyond Borders Wrote:  

...It can be a tough balance to strike - guarding your own interests while opening yourself to the abundance of everyday interactions. I really think the best advice I can give on the matter is that you have to grow unattached to the outcome as much as possible and be confident in your own ability to adapt to whatever transpires as a result. The best way to prepare for the unexpected is not to make it go away but to be skilled in living with unpredictability...


Something to be said for - on occasion, the journey is more important than the end goal.
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#15

Breaking the cycle of cynicism

Rhyme (and BB), thank you for this topic. It put me in a positive state and I saw the benefits immediately. A land whale girl gave me some shit, and instead of putting her down brutally, I replied with witty banter. Her scowl became a smile in an instant. Hope this will last.
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