[Genghis Khan]

Not exactly a story on gaming a girl. But relevant nevertheless:

A few weeks ago, I was out on my street (in a nice quiet neighborhood), talking on the phone with my friend. It was pretty late out (11pm). I might've been a bit loud. But I've done this numerous times (being outside, just walking around and talking on the phone).

This old lady suddenly comes out of her house from across the street. She shines her flashlight in my eyes, starts yelling, asking me what I'm doing on this street, telling me I'm waking everyone up and threatening to call the cops on me. I don't say a word, do a 180 and just walk away. Not going to lie, there was a part of me that wondered if she was being a racist (I have a dark skin tone) and would've threatened to call the cops if I was white. Anyway, this is the only instance like this I've experienced in many years. So I'm not going to pull a race card and assume she was just an old cranky lady (but damn it's amazing to see how insidious the entire race baiting thing can be).

Here's the thing: afterwards I was absolutely furious. I was deeply regretting not punching her in the face, confronting her or calling her bluff, demanding she call the cops so she can have her face printed in the newspapers the next day as a racist. Anything, just something to one up that lady. I understand that I did the right thing (walked away), and my brain just flooded later with rage at the humiliation. And it makes sense - in prehistoric times if some random person just walked up to you and started yelling, was a pretty good sign violence was coming - fight or flight response gets activated. So does rage mode when you feel you've been unfairly treated.

But is that flooding of the brain avoidable? I do wonder if for example I'm trying to game a girl and she pulls some nonsense on me, if I'll be able to keep my cool. Not going to lie, I do feel a bit ashamed of my thoughts after this incidence and the rage I felt. And I'd love to get to a point where I can experience something like this and not be bothered at all. Maybe it's not possible. Maybe I'm just wired to respond the way I did. Maybe I did all one can reasonable ask a human being. But since this is a forum dedicated to self-improvement, would love to hear other people's perspectives/advice.

[Don's D]

All the rage and anger you feel is just your ego being damaged. You did the right thing walking away, old people complain and bitch about everything.

Think a few steps ahead, if you would of comforted her and the cops get involved, whose side do you think they would take? Even if you were a white man if the cops interfere they would take the old lady's word over yours. Was she being racist? We don't know and who cares.

Will it happen when you are gaming a girl?Hell yes it will. Are you going to punch and confront every person that hurts your ego? You can but it is just wasted energy and you might get in trouble, but who cares right because they hurt your feelings and they deserve it, right?

Your ego makes you do and feel stupid shit. Just my opinion and you know what they say about opinions.

[WestIndianArchie]

Fight or flight response.

Putting yourself in that situation repeatedly is the only way to bring your in the moment responses under control.

Which is the point of cold approach pick-up.

WIA

[RexImperator]

Mindfulness. Practice it and you can become non-reactive.

But the key is you don't suppress emotions or internal reactions, you simply practice becoming aware of them and then choose not to act on them.

[Quintus Curtius]

A lot of older people can be like that. They sit cooped up in their houses all day, with little to do but watch out the window at what other people are doing. And sometimes they can be very irritable with people. She may also have had some stresses going on in her life.

She probably heard your voice talking on the phone, and it got on her nerves.

Who really knows why? You can't crawl around inside other people's heads and try to figure out why they do shit. That's a hopeless exercise. It could have been a million reasons.

You did the right thing. It's always better to be polite and just de-escalate situations like that, and keep your composure. Getting into some verbal altercation would not have solved much.

If you were on a public street and were not violating any noise ordinances or otherwise doing anything wrong, you could even have politely told her that you weren't doing anything wrong. But when all is said and done, it's probably less hassle just to walk somewhere else and finish the phone call.

It's natural to get furious afterwards. But don't stew over it. Losing control is not good.

[XPQ22]

(07-12-2016 08:07 AM)Genghis Khan Wrote:  

This old lady suddenly comes out of her house from across the street. She shines her flashlight in my eyes, starts yelling, asking me what I'm doing on this street, telling me I'm waking everyone up and threatening to call the cops on me. I don't say a word, do a 180 and just walk away.

You made the right call, 100%:

Quote:

Not going to lie, there was a part of me that wondered if she was being a racist (I have a dark skin tone) and would've threatened to call the cops if I was white. Anyway, this is the only instance like this I've experienced in many years. So I'm not going to pull a race card and assume she was just an old cranky lady (but damn it's amazing to see how insidious the entire race baiting thing can be).

Who can say. I'm white, and I run into cranky old fucks of all races and genders all the time. There are many elderly people who feel scared, helpless, anxious of the future, and jealous of our youth (well, not quite as much for me these days...). Often these anxieties were always under the surface, and the mind's aging process causes them to materialize - they consciously or subconsciously feel themselves losing control of their fate, and so they try to exert control any way they can. And of course, there are many who are at peace with things and have no regrets.

It's certainly possible it was about race, but even so it doesn't really matter.

Quote:

Here's the thing: afterwards I was absolutely furious. I was deeply regretting not punching her in the face, confronting her or calling her bluff, demanding she call the cops so she can have her face printed in the newspapers the next day as a racist.

As much as I'm sure she deserved it, I don't think it would've played out that way. She's an old lady and even then the "pussy pass" still applies. If the cops show up they're simply going to look at the two of you, and then tell you to fuck off immediately.

And God forbid you stress them, or actually hit her. Best case you end up cited for disorderly conduct, or in a patrol car with a court date for assault and battery. Worst case....

Is this bitch worth it? She won't learn a thing.

Quote:

But is that flooding of the brain avoidable? I do wonder if for example I'm trying to game a girl and she pulls some nonsense on me, if I'll be able to keep my cool. Not going to lie, I do feel a bit ashamed of my thoughts after this incidence and the rage I felt.

There's no reason to feel shame for those thoughts. They're pretty much automatic biological responses to stress like that; you might as well feel ashamed for getting an erection when you see a fly chick. I think you should feel proud for the way you handled it.

The flooding is probably not avoidable, but can you avoid following through with what your brain is telling you to do? Yes, absolutely. I call it the "7 second" rule. When you feel that flooding coming on, you start mentally counting to 7. One one thousand, two one thousand...and the interesting thing I've found is that if I just step back and do nothing, that rage starts evaporating as quickly as it came.

And your perceptions shift. Instead of the hostile maniac with a flashlight in front of me, I just see a sad, tired old woman. Instead of the hostile, aggressive tailgater behind me, I just see an unhappy, middle-aged man desperate not to be late to work again. Why would I want to do anything to these people.

I also like to apply the "James Bond" rule. Instead of going with those aggressive feelings, I just take a moment to think: what would Bond (Daniel Craig, maybe) do in this situation? Would he fly off the handle at an old woman? Would he start brake-checking a tailgater? Fuck no he wouldn't. He's operating on another level.

Edit: I often bring up the issue of tailgating indirectly on dates as a screening tool. "There are some crazy drivers around here! I seem to get tailgated a lot, I just pull over and let these idiots pass me."

And then you listen to the response. Something my two long-term plates have in common: they agree. "You're too right! I just get the hell out of the way."

Something girls I've nexted seem to all have in common is they reply: "Are you KIDDING me! I try to make those assholes pay!"

I'm mostly into seeking long-term connections with relatively low-drama girls these days, so it's a screening tool for fucked-up manipulators and histrionics.

[Travesty]

If you have things in life you want badly enough and are focused on, then these other little things won't bother you because you realize they steal your time.

As you get older these focuses will shift from smashing ass and money and being cool into spending time with loved ones, passion projects, and giving back to society. If you are smart you realize as you age how comically short our time is on this planet to grow and experience.

Instead of anger you will pity people that make small things into such negative experiences. They have been dealt bad cards or have never learned how to appreciate the time they have.

[TornadoByProxy]

Where are you in life if an old lady can make you so furious?
Why would you even consider violence?
What kind of a man would react to such an insignificant thing with rage?
Why would you feel humiliated that someone asked you to quiet down?
Why do you think you need to get revenge?
These are the questions you should be asking yourself.

Were you taught this behavior? Do you have poor conflict resolution skills? Were you ever bullied so you default to fight or flight?

What men do you have in your life who you admire? How would they have handled it? Would they have wanted to commit violence?

It sounds like you need to find a better way to go through life. Being so easy to trigger isn't a good way to live.

Maybe this old lady is alone and afraid. Can you put yourself in her shoes. Why don't you try this. Go by the lady's house and apologize for being loud. Tell her you didn't mean to scare her. You might find that she apologizes for the way she came across and you can put your anger to rest.

[Vaun]

There are a few books and programs out there that can help. Having high self esteem I believe is the ultimate way to disperse anger. Its having your purpose and focus at the center of your life, developing skills like game and sports, etc, proving that you can achieve what you want to achieve, etc. When you dont feel intimidated any longer, by anyone, or anything, you can truly defend yourself against getting angry.

[LINUX]

Let's be honest.

You're walking down the street late at night, in a nice quiet neighborhood, talking on your phone too loud. That's not other people being racist, that's you being disrespectful and not taking others into consideration.

People, especially older people, pay mortgages and live in nice neighborhoods to get away from that.

In regards to controlling your emotions, like WIA said, repetition to exposure.

[Genghis Khan]

A lot of great responses in this thread.

1. thanks for the clarification on older people. I don't interact with the elderly, so getting a context that some of them are cranky (and may have nothing to do with racism) was valuable.

2. Linux, you're absolutely right. I was probably being inconsiderate. I'm slight unsure, mostly because I've done this regularly for the past 4 years on the street where I live. Never been called out before. But maybe everyone else was just too polite to tell me off. Either way, I can't control other people's behaviors. But I can control whether I talk on the phone on my street at night time or not. Point taken about me being disrespectful.

3. Repetition to exposure: not sure if I really want to have repeat experiences like this with grannies. But will keep in mind with gaming girls if a similar situation arises. Re: meditation and seeing the other person's perspective: really good points. I did try to see the old lady's point of view and calm myself when I was angry (mostly by focusing on what I can and cannot control and remembering my feelings will go away soon). Just wanted to get RVF opinions and see if there were other tools I could use - e.g. repetition to exposure wasn't something I'd considered.

4. @Tornado, your criticism seems unduly harsh. I apologize if my OP made it seem like I fly off the handle for the smallest things, I don't. I've had encounters with cops without any issue whatsoever, even while intoxicated - most likely because they're trained to avoid triggering rage/flight response. 99% of the time I stay calm when faced with a conflict or criticism. I imagine your post would be justified if I had actually gone berserk and injured the old lady and/or this was a common theme in my life. You ask what men I admire would've done? They would've de-escalated and left the scene. Is that not what I did? BTW this wasn't some nice lady politely tapping me on the shoulder and asking me to quiet down. She came running at me out of nowhere in the dark, yelling, disorienting me by flashing her flashlight in and out of my eyes and threatening (to call the cops on) me. I'm not a cop, but my guess is she did the complete opposite of what a police officer would do. Anyway, I merely wanted to know how to deal with this type of anomalous situation and how to manage or avoid these thoughts of anger in future situations. Seems repetition to exposure and mindfulness is really the way to go.

This is why I love RVF. I might not necessarily get replies that I agree with, but at least people don't hold back and give their honest opinions.

[TornadoByProxy]

Sorry for the excess harshness Genghis. I was actually trying to give you a perspective that would help you deal with the anger.

I'd recommend Daniel Goleman's book,
"Destructive Emotions: A Scientific Dialogue with the Dalai Lama". It helped me work through some of the things you are going through.

[Genghis Khan]

(07-12-2016 10:50 PM)TornadoByProxy Wrote:  

Sorry for the excess harshness Genghis. I was actually trying to give you a perspective that would help you deal with the anger.

I'd recommend Daniel Goleman's book,
"Destructive Emotions: A Scientific Dialogue with the Dalai Lama". It helped me work through some of the things you are going through.

Thanks Tornado, much appreciated for both comments. Sometimes harsh words are needed. Better to be a bit too harsh than too nice - I rather people not hold back.

Book is in my amazon shopping cart.

[NickDunne]

Last time I got flooded like this for real was back in college days. Fortunately, my father and my godfather were next to me and physically restrained me after I already made a move towards the guy to punch him out. My dad handled such situations with such dignity and grace that it was beautiful. He immediately knew words wouldn't be of any use right then. He just looked me in the eye and shook his head in disappointment. All the rage was gone in a blink and I felt smaller than a grain of sand. After a few minutes he explained to me what I already had realized - it really really was not worth getting us all into a fight and it was just my young blood boiling. After that, there were only two situations where I came close to a physical altercation and both times I remembered his look and lesson and just walked away. We all need a good and strong father figure which is getting more and more scarce these days.

On a side note, a few years after that an idiot caught my dad on a really bad day and got beaten for a much smaller issue... hahaha. Nobody's perefect.