Hey,
I thought that my first post here will be something from my brighter side, like game success or anything related.
But I have realized that no matter what advices I could give I can't do that unless I will make peace terms with my own mind.
Just to make things clear I am long past blue pill and I don't expect that this decision which has to be made by myself will anyone do for me, I am simply asking for as much point of views I can get - I have literally zero real life friends and almost none known people I could ask about it.
So to the topic when I was at elementary school and for a while on high school (in my country that means (in this case) 11 - 16 age) very enthusiastic about skateboarding and I most like would be way longer if I would not done terrible decision which one of consequences was stop the flow of money from parents and also loss of social life, friends and basically male style life until almost 6 years later and which I am still repairing now.
The thing is that after this I had my "goth" phase as result of things go to shit and when I woke up from it I made decision (Yes, I really asked mysefl what style I want to be in) and became something what we call "disco guy" basically young metrosexual like clib frequenter.
And I basically forced myself into it, I can't say that I did not liked it, I get some acquantainces and my life got slightly better with exception of income.
this is basically what was in the beginning of my current deep problem and most likely core of my depression (the real one, had to take strong pills to even get up from bed at one point) and thing which I think that when I solve it, I would make peace with my past and would be able to function like adult male and return help/advices to others.
So the problem is that at this moment in my age of freshly 26 I still feel quite a large crave for skateboarding despite not being active for 10 years, gaining way too much kilos and stuff.
I tried to return seriously two times but after a while I couldnt continue, the mixed reasons were both times same - no friends, I was angry at myself for not being able to ride at same level which became boring and I moved on a lot different way mentally - from liberal to conservative so my views are usually totally different from views of others.
I also feel like I am too old for this now, but this is the point of view I dont like.
I also done other things, most noticeable for me was mma, I actually still got my gym pass (2 years from last visit) and my gear.
I often when I had sane moment tried to count +/- for both sports and always from brain side won mma - especially from side of my height about 170 cms and the thing that I got really fat.
But I never could find the same passion in anything like I had about skate.
So that is why I am looking for people with similar experience or for point of view from someone who could write/say something that would help me solve my past and focus on current/future time.
Just to write what I am thinking about this by myself so far and why I think that I even have this problem:
When I used to skate it was best part of my life, I had friends, I was popular "rebel" in both ele and high school, I was doing somethign everyday with passion.
Now or from time when I had to end my life is shit, mainly because of my terrible decisions so I am sure that I look to ride as something that would bring my past back even that its not possible.
I even few months ago with my 2nd try realized that I really cant skate anymore like I did, not with my physique and with noticeably smaller balls, but also not with the same passion I had back then.
MMA would help me regain my balls, physique and it even feels like more adult sport at this moment to me.
But problem is like I wrote that I had no passion for it (not that I had it for anything these times).
Also I am and I was for all my life attention seeking exhbicionist and skateboarding satisfied my needs for attention really well - no matter if on street or at contests.
I think that I am really looking for someone who would tell me that it is really nothing else but craving for past and my incapability to comply with current situation and instead of focusing on present I focus on past.
There is also one thing that would support this, I have same craving about video games, I want to play them a lot, because that is what i did after I had to stop skateboarding and no matter that I played myself into loser I am today I still want to play.
But then after I really do after a while a realize that I dont like them anymore and I just play because of past.
Also I would like to move to SE Asia after ending my bachelors degree in CS, and I think that as a hobby mma would help me to game me some pussy.
But then again so could skateboarding in some kind if "alternative" social circle.
Anyway this is something I am really looking for help with, I have written way too much paper alone to be able to solve it without outside help and to be honest I wasted about 10 years of my life and majority of it was when I was supposed to be with people not regretting past and staying at home being unable to decide while jerking to hentai and playing wow.
I will be really thankful for any advice or different point of view.
PS: hope it is in right forum.
PPS: I know that I am like overgrown child, which I most likely am - the child stuck in past.
I thought that my first post here will be something from my brighter side, like game success or anything related.
But I have realized that no matter what advices I could give I can't do that unless I will make peace terms with my own mind.
Just to make things clear I am long past blue pill and I don't expect that this decision which has to be made by myself will anyone do for me, I am simply asking for as much point of views I can get - I have literally zero real life friends and almost none known people I could ask about it.
So to the topic when I was at elementary school and for a while on high school (in my country that means (in this case) 11 - 16 age) very enthusiastic about skateboarding and I most like would be way longer if I would not done terrible decision which one of consequences was stop the flow of money from parents and also loss of social life, friends and basically male style life until almost 6 years later and which I am still repairing now.
The thing is that after this I had my "goth" phase as result of things go to shit and when I woke up from it I made decision (Yes, I really asked mysefl what style I want to be in) and became something what we call "disco guy" basically young metrosexual like clib frequenter.
And I basically forced myself into it, I can't say that I did not liked it, I get some acquantainces and my life got slightly better with exception of income.
this is basically what was in the beginning of my current deep problem and most likely core of my depression (the real one, had to take strong pills to even get up from bed at one point) and thing which I think that when I solve it, I would make peace with my past and would be able to function like adult male and return help/advices to others.
So the problem is that at this moment in my age of freshly 26 I still feel quite a large crave for skateboarding despite not being active for 10 years, gaining way too much kilos and stuff.
I tried to return seriously two times but after a while I couldnt continue, the mixed reasons were both times same - no friends, I was angry at myself for not being able to ride at same level which became boring and I moved on a lot different way mentally - from liberal to conservative so my views are usually totally different from views of others.
I also feel like I am too old for this now, but this is the point of view I dont like.
I also done other things, most noticeable for me was mma, I actually still got my gym pass (2 years from last visit) and my gear.
I often when I had sane moment tried to count +/- for both sports and always from brain side won mma - especially from side of my height about 170 cms and the thing that I got really fat.
But I never could find the same passion in anything like I had about skate.
So that is why I am looking for people with similar experience or for point of view from someone who could write/say something that would help me solve my past and focus on current/future time.
Just to write what I am thinking about this by myself so far and why I think that I even have this problem:
When I used to skate it was best part of my life, I had friends, I was popular "rebel" in both ele and high school, I was doing somethign everyday with passion.
Now or from time when I had to end my life is shit, mainly because of my terrible decisions so I am sure that I look to ride as something that would bring my past back even that its not possible.
I even few months ago with my 2nd try realized that I really cant skate anymore like I did, not with my physique and with noticeably smaller balls, but also not with the same passion I had back then.
MMA would help me regain my balls, physique and it even feels like more adult sport at this moment to me.
But problem is like I wrote that I had no passion for it (not that I had it for anything these times).
Also I am and I was for all my life attention seeking exhbicionist and skateboarding satisfied my needs for attention really well - no matter if on street or at contests.
I think that I am really looking for someone who would tell me that it is really nothing else but craving for past and my incapability to comply with current situation and instead of focusing on present I focus on past.
There is also one thing that would support this, I have same craving about video games, I want to play them a lot, because that is what i did after I had to stop skateboarding and no matter that I played myself into loser I am today I still want to play.
But then after I really do after a while a realize that I dont like them anymore and I just play because of past.
Also I would like to move to SE Asia after ending my bachelors degree in CS, and I think that as a hobby mma would help me to game me some pussy.
But then again so could skateboarding in some kind if "alternative" social circle.
Anyway this is something I am really looking for help with, I have written way too much paper alone to be able to solve it without outside help and to be honest I wasted about 10 years of my life and majority of it was when I was supposed to be with people not regretting past and staying at home being unable to decide while jerking to hentai and playing wow.
I will be really thankful for any advice or different point of view.
PS: hope it is in right forum.
PPS: I know that I am like overgrown child, which I most likely am - the child stuck in past.