[CleanSlate]

During my lunch hour, I went to get some food at a shopping center near my office and wanted to do an approach. The place was bustling during lunch hour and most people were in pairs or groups, but there were some singles.

Well, guess what? I couldn't even make an approach! Bought my lunch and went back to my office.



Too many things going through my mind, like work, tinder, what my plans are tonight, plus being overwhelmed by the crowds and people moving around. Whenever I saw some singles, my heart rate would double. I still give a shit about what people think of me, and I gotta stop.

I need a holodeck mentality so I don't psych myself out. Pretend that I'm entering a holodeck and none of it is real, just practice approaching and day game, and then get back to my "real life".

[Wahawahwah]

womb complex.

juts force yourself to approach

approach so many times your friends think youre crazy

you wwill crash and burn a hundred times but you know what? youll get better at it.

and more importsntly youll desensitize yourself to the pain associated with approaching. and thats will help you so much more than learning a thousand PUA tricks.

[monster]

What in the world is a holodeck?

[Cobra]

Holodeck is a virtual reality medium in Star Trek where the user walks into a "holo deck" room and he can be in whatever fantasy he intends. Visually as well as physically.

Relates to the post, stop thinking of Star Trek dude. The holo deck is your life but difference is you take it too seriously. Start cutting down that seriousness a few notches.

[CleanSlate]

I also think I'm being impatient. Wanting a few quick successes increases the pressure on myself, so I'll need to let that go of that notion and do 100 approaches and expect to get 100 rejections so I can actually learn something.

[Cheetah]

(02-06-2015 09:32 AM)CleanSlate Wrote:  

I also think I'm being impatient. Wanting a few quick successes increases the pressure on myself, so I'll need to let that go of that notion and do 100 approaches and expect to get 100 rejections so I can actually learn something.

If you expect nothing you might act like you didn't expect a positive response should that happen. It's perhaps better to expect that you might get a positive response but that you know that even advanced players get rejected alot?

[Farmageddon]

CleanSlate, you are getting what is typically called, "Approach Anxiety".

You may already know this, but fear of death is actually not the most pronounced fear in a majority of people, the fear of public speaking is. This fear stems from a fear of being judged. We are social animals and deep down, no matter who you are, we all want to fit in to society and have others think well of us.

The solution to this problem is not getting more information. It's not finding the absolute perfect thing to say. It's not wearing the right clothes or being in the right spot. The solution is realizing that almost everyone has this exact same fear - and almost as bad as you do. Even the most capable player has this fear to some degree.

What separates those who have gone from where you are to the next level is action. You have to make yourself approach in spite of your initial anxiety. What you will find out is that the nervousness starts before the approach, builds when the approach actually starts, peaks about 10 seconds after the interaction starts, and starts a slow descent and generally fades away to almost nothing in about 3-4 minutes. <<This is exactly the same pattern you are taught during any public speaking course.

You must refocus this energy from negative nervousness to positive fuel. Tell yourself, "Yes, I am feeling this right now but instead of letting this energy hold me back, I will refocus it into pushing me forward." and go through with the interaction anyway.

There is only one way to get better and that is to actually go out there and do it.

Don't be afraid of failing either. Even the most seasoned player fails probably 70-80% of the time. Any time you fail at something, look back at it and learn from it. Write down what you did and how you would react differently next time. Like in poker, the same situation often presents itself. Fail forward, essentially.

Also, if you cultivate a genuine curiosity about people, you will find out that there is something to learn from every single person on this planet, from the most flightly, juvenile teenaged girl to the most curmudgeonly old person you can think of - and it will make approaching that much easier for you.

[bnmf]

Dude just imagine her naked, that should calm you right down!

[Farmageddon]

Quote:

Dude just imagine her naked, that should calm you right down!

Until it calms you right up:

   

[Cobra]

Forget about 100 for now. Can you give us 2 approaches today? If you say yes, I will hold you accountable. I can do that every week if you'd like. It will help even if you ask a friend to hold you accountable. For example, if you don't do 5 approaches a week you have to pay him $20. Something like that.

Another way to address starting anxiety is to tag along with another RVF member in your area.

[CleanSlate]

2 approaches a day, I can do that. I'll do that 5 days a week (giving myself 2 days a week all to myself without thinking about game). Starting tomorrow! Maybe I should start a thread and post my approaches to keep myself accountable?

[Cobra]

(02-08-2015 03:47 PM)CleanSlate Wrote:  

2 approaches a day, I can do that. I'll do that 5 days a week (giving myself 2 days a week all to myself without thinking about game). Starting tomorrow! Maybe I should start a thread and post my approaches to keep myself accountable?

Sure, that will help as you can use that as a diary to go back to. And I can use that to kick your butt if you haven't done them . But also, we can all jump in and help you adjust your techniques. Just be sure to put in as much detail as possible. Alternatively, you can also post in the approach thread. You can see my most recent approaches in there on the last pages to see how I document them. Just hard to keep track of your "own" progress as everyone can post in there.

And you don't HAVE to start with 10 per week yet. I only try to do 5 a week for example as I have a busy schedule, but as I am gathering better momentum I may switch to 10 a week in a few months (or earlier). You can even just pick one day if you want and do your 5 or more that day and be done with it. I say this because momentum helps. Do what you're comfortable with for now and build up to it instead of giving yourself reasons to psyche out and not do them at all.

Start a thread with an intro and let's get to it. Looking forward to your progress Cleanslate.

[civpro]

Get a wing who will push you. Try the old "money trick" from the Mystery Method to get things going.

I mean really, don't bother without at least trying to find one. It's one of those foundational, 80/20 things when it comes to your results. Very few guys get good on their own. It's one of the hardest things to do.

[Parlay44]

You sound unfocused. Go smoke a cigarette or do a bump or something. Then approach.

[RockHard]

I don't know about the holodeck business. Honestly I ignored this thread for a few days because the title made me cringe.

What I do is just ask myself honestly, will I be kicking myself later if I don't talk to her now?

Your mind is elsewhere, not in the moment. Get in the moment. That's why I think holodeck is the wrong metaphor. It's the complete opposite of a holodeck. This is the real deal. In the modern world, it's so damn easy to escape reality and hide behind a keyboard. Get out in the world with living breathing humans and get away from the simulations.

No opener? No problem. Tell her "Hey, I was here getting lunch and... I realized that if I didn't meet you I'd be kicking myself later on". It's completely congruent with your current state. So what if it doesn't work? Doing nothing has a 0% success rate. Lots of guys make this way harder than it needs to be. Forget about everything you've read. You're going to fill your head with questions about what you should open with, whether your body language is correct, does your hair look good, should I neg her right now... forget it all. You have a real live human female in front of you, and you need to be in the moment and talk to her.

[Parlay44]

Good looking guys can get away with really douchey openers. If you're ugly to average you're better off going indirect and being funny.

[Giovonny]

Stop "approaching" girls! Its a weak frame.

"Approaching" them is giving them the chance to accept you or deny you. That gives them all the power.

Just talk to them, talk to them the way you want to, about whatever you want to. Who cares if she likes it or not. Don't ask for permission and don't apologize. She should be thankful that you are even talking to her.

Talk to girls the way you want to. Don't "approach" them!

[CleanSlate]

(02-09-2015 03:55 PM)Giovonny Wrote:  

Talk to girls the way you want to. Don't "approach" them!

Thanks. You know, only 20 minutes ago, I did exactly this.

I was walking up to my apartment elevator, and some girl walks up at the same time. My pulse rate went up, but I ignored it and said with a smile "hey how you doing?" Then I rambled a bit about how I just moved in, and asked her if she liked the place. She replied in the affirmative and we both talked about what we liked about it... but then the elevator doors opened and I had to get off, so I said "I'll definitely be seeing you around soon!" with a smile. She smiled pretty big.

I didn't think about "how to approach" or what "creative opener" I should use. I just did it. I just opened my mouth and the words just rolled out.

Just from this one approach, I learned a valuable lesson - which Giovonny put it so eloquently. As soon as I start "thinking" about it, my anxiety goes up and the approach is shot to begin with.

A couple of other things for me to keep in mind. Sprucing up my real-time observational skills wherever I go will go a long way in helping me "ramble" about things whenever I talk to women. Not to sound conceited, but I'm relatively good looking, so I also think I can get away with pushing the envelope a bit with going more direct.

[Giovonny]

(02-09-2015 05:53 PM)CleanSlate Wrote:  

Sprucing up my real-time observational skills wherever I go will go a long way in helping me "ramble" about things whenever I talk to women.

Yes, exactly! You don't need any fancy lines or creative openers.

Just make an appropriate, congruent statement -- Or, ask an appropriate, congruent question.

Keep it simple! Don't think of it as an "approach", think of it as a normal conversation.

"hey how are you" is perfect. I have gotten a lot of pussy with that line.

As you get more experience you can experiment with more creative type stuff.

[Sombro]