[General Stalin]

As the title suggests, I'd like to start an open discussion on Oneitis for the purposes of awareness and self-improvement. Part of this is for my own good, and partially because I feel like it's something bigger that would be good for everyone to weigh in on and maybe talk about their experiences and how they got over it.

Essentially, "Oneitis" is just codependency. This is the root of a lot of men's issues when dealing with a woman. Putting more of yourself into a relationship than the other party. Seeking affirmation, validation, affection, and constant attention from a woman; seeking emotional fulfillment from your relationship(s) as opposed to being the master of your own happiness. This is what can cause scarcity mentality and pedestrianization, as well as powerful bouts of loneliness and depression - especially WHILE in a relationship. This can o for women and friends alike.

Being a slave dependent on the relationship you hold with another person is unhealthy. When you start catching feelings for a girl and you let her become the primary source of your happiness (and unhappiness) then you need to work on yourself. Codependency is typically rooted in external influences (societal/cultural) and childhood upbringing (absent parents/family substance abuse/separated parents). It's 100% possible to rewire yourself and change this behavior, but it gets harder as you get older of course.

Thoughts and experiences?

[Texas_Tryhard]

(10-02-2014 12:51 PM)General Stalin Wrote:  

As the title suggests, I'd like to start an open discussion on Oneitis for the purposes of awareness and self-improvement. Part of this is for my own good, and partially because I feel like it's something bigger that would be good for everyone to weigh in on and maybe talk about their experiences and how they got over it.

Essentially, "Oneitis" is just codependency. This is the root of a lot of men's issues when dealing with a woman. Putting more of yourself into a relationship than the other party. Seeking affirmation, validation, affection, and constant attention from a woman; seeking emotional fulfillment from your relationship(s) as opposed to being the master of your own happiness. This is what can cause scarcity mentality and pedestrianization, as well as powerful bouts of loneliness and depression - especially WHILE in a relationship. This can o for women and friends alike.

Being a slave dependent on the relationship you hold with another person is unhealthy. When you start catching feelings for a girl and you let her become the primary source of your happiness (and unhappiness) then you need to work on yourself. Codependency is typically rooted in external influences (societal/cultural) and childhood upbringing (absent parents/family substance abuse/separated parents). It's 100% possible to rewire yourself and change this behavior, but it gets harder as you get older of course.

Thoughts and experiences?

Wrote an essay on this in a thread from earlier this year.

Shameless Self Promotion

Thoughts still stand. It's important to check yourself regularly and make sure that the value you get out of your relationship is always worth more than what you sacrifice to be in it.

[The Beast1]

There are a lot of great one liner life lessons from the Quran. Here's one that is useful for us:

"Woe to the man that makes a woman his heaven and his body the earth."

Men are supposed to be focused on a goal larger than themselves. That's why women start to flock to notice you when you stop giving a hell about them. You look content and they can sense that. "Gee why does he not supplicate to me like every other goon out there?"

Oneitis is the consequence of a man doing just that. There are always more fish in the sea.

[kaotic]

One of my last ex's (3 years ago) had me under her thumb.

I thought she was the hottest girl I'd ever been with and tied down.

I told her I liked first, told her I loved her first.

I always was driving out to her 30-45 minute drives. I needed her more than she needed me.

I did things that emasculated me, such as hanging out with her all day only for her to leave me at night for a club (I couldn't go because I didn't have clothes). Her "phone died" and she "spent the night at her friends cause she was drunk" .I was deep in her, I even read her diary, checked her FB messages. Of course she had orbiters and was pretty thirsty for attention.

This all happened in the same night and I STILL stayed with her. (You think I'd have a redpill awakening but alas I didn't)

She talked with her ex and even hung out with him a bit.

I always paid for her shit, she didn't have a full time job and went to Jr. College. It got tiring and I started getting irritated.

She smoked weed which was a turn off for me and I was being controlling and told her to stop. (Ironically my HB 8 now smokes weed, just not around me).

My friends did NOT like her at all and I was so blinded by her, that I couldn't see it, luckily I didn't lose any friends over her.

I was the COMPLETE BETA PROVIDER/LOSER.


One weekend in Vegas changed all that:

We get to Vegas, we're drunk, she popped a Vicodin to "relax" we didn't go out that night because she was puking ALL fucking night well into the next morning.

As she's showering I check her phone, she's completely flirting with this other guy. I finally SNAPPED...as she's walking back in to the main room, I toss her phone in the bathtub and call her out.

Her face was priceless, wide open mouth and eyes, completely shocked.

Her hamster reasoning, "well you're always working and I was lonely, I'm sorry"


Being the beta I was, I bought her a plane ticket from Vegas back to LAX, sent her on her way. I stayed in vegas and went to my friends wedding alone and immediately was having a better time and even flirted a bit.

That my friend was my red-pill moment. It took me a good year to get over her...then I discovered the manosphere, red pill, and the alpha.



Gents, this was the great awakening, re-discovering my masculinity, and finally taking the reigns from women and I was finally in control.


Ironically my ex somehow called my shop, came into my shop, and spilled her heart about how she fucked up, missed me, and wanted to hangout.

Unfortunately she hit the wall, was possibly on some drug, and would be only be used as a cum receptacle. However, I had HB 8 that was a way better option

Christina McQueen's quote in the post back then, should ring in every man's head:

"Keep it moving with better women, why go back to the vomit like a dog?"

http://www.rooshvforum.network/thread-34578.html



Look how FAR we've come as men, we should be congratulating each other.

[Pride male]

Two words, pair bonding.

[Jukes]

Ha! I bet the dude' s girl who taste multiple dicks is on suicide watch right now. She broke up with him.

[Old Fritz]

(10-02-2014 03:20 PM)Jukes Wrote:  

Ha! I bet the dude' s girl who taste multiple dicks is on suicide watch right now. She broke up with him.

The girl who sucked off 12 guys?

[Jukes]

(10-02-2014 03:22 PM)Old Fritz Wrote:  

(10-02-2014 03:20 PM)Jukes Wrote:  

Ha! I bet the dude' s girl who taste multiple dicks is on suicide watch right now. She broke up with him.

The girl who sucked off 12 guys?

Yup

[Old Fritz]

(10-02-2014 03:25 PM)Jukes Wrote:  

(10-02-2014 03:22 PM)Old Fritz Wrote:  

(10-02-2014 03:20 PM)Jukes Wrote:  

Ha! I bet the dude' s girl who taste multiple dicks is on suicide watch right now. She broke up with him.

The girl who sucked off 12 guys?

Yup

I saw that coming.

How do you know? And what's the boy's reaction?

[TheWastelander]

I never had oneitis thanks to seeing my older brother crash and burn a bunch of times and my father's influence, but I think having mastery over your emotions would go a long way toward eliminating it.

Our father was very emotional in the typical Mediterranean way (quick to anger, take offense, etc.) but he's more traditionally manly than my brother is and isn't afraid to call people out on their shit even if an entire crowd is against him. He's stubborn as hell and will confront anyone when he thinks they're doing wrong.

While dad didn't teach me a whole lot about being a man, at least not via overt instruction or father-son lessons, I learned the abundance mindset from him. He never let anyone, man or woman, disrespect him and get away with it. His attitude was "there's always plenty of other women out there that aren't witches, so why be miserable and waste your time on them?" My brother was/is the opposite. He lets women disrespect and manipulate him, lacks confidence, and is pretty sappy.

So I think a cure to oneitis is fathers teaching their sons to have control over their emotions rather than being slaves to them and teaching them to respect themselves. "Falling in love" or "love at first sight" is BS and not manly. A woman should have to earn your love and devotion if you're into that sort of thing. Your love should not be given freely and you should always be willing to correct her or kick her to the curb if she disrespects you. Obviously the traditional Mediterranean man's correction methods are illegal in today's Western world and the institution of marriage has been ruined by the state. So, I think not marrying and dread game are appropriate replacements unless you're going to move to a more traditional country.

Anyway, I think this is the problem with a lot of modern men. They pedestalize women when they should be pedestalizing themselves and making women live up to their standards.

Women, in general, only get away with what we allow them to.

[kaotic]

(10-02-2014 03:28 PM)Old Fritz Wrote:  

(10-02-2014 03:25 PM)Jukes Wrote:  

(10-02-2014 03:22 PM)Old Fritz Wrote:  

(10-02-2014 03:20 PM)Jukes Wrote:  

Ha! I bet the dude' s girl who taste multiple dicks is on suicide watch right now. She broke up with him.

The girl who sucked off 12 guys?

Yup

I saw that coming.

How do you know? And what's the boy's reaction?

I'll bet she broke up with him for one of the dudes she sucked off.

[Jukes]

(10-02-2014 03:50 PM)kaotic Wrote:  

(10-02-2014 03:28 PM)Old Fritz Wrote:  

(10-02-2014 03:25 PM)Jukes Wrote:  

(10-02-2014 03:22 PM)Old Fritz Wrote:  

(10-02-2014 03:20 PM)Jukes Wrote:  

Ha! I bet the dude' s girl who taste multiple dicks is on suicide watch right now. She broke up with him.

The girl who sucked off 12 guys?

Yup

I saw that coming.

How do you know? And what's the boy's reaction?

I'll bet she broke up with him for one of the dudes she sucked off.

Image is too big, but here is the link.
oi60.tinypic.com/2lnjm8l.jpg

[Akula]

(10-02-2014 03:41 PM)TheWastelander Wrote:  

Women, in general, only get away with what we allow them to.

The problem is that modern Western society is now programmed to let women get away with pretty much everything while at the same time being tripwire skittish with men i.e. ANYTHING that goes wrong is almost always automatically blamed on the man as opposed to the woman.

So unfortunately its not always in the hands of the average man to keep the ladies in line anymore, although it certainly behooves us to continue to try to.

[Sp5]

I got cured of oneitis by one Chicana girl in the US Air Force in Madrid. I was so bestotten by her, I was in the friendzone for months.

She basically told me how I was fucking up, took me to record stores to listen to "Dreamer" and "Red Rubber Ball" to tell me there was no chance.

Now, I know she would have been an easy lay if I had myself together.

The problem was soon after that I did get sucked into a marriage with the hottest thing I ever banged, but the lack of oneitis led to me having multiple affairs.

Now that I'm divorced and old, a little oneitis might be a good thing instead of having to crush little hearts two or three times a month.

[Dagonet]

Most of the time, we talk about oneitis leading us to being dumped or losing the girl's interest. I'm in a different position right now, because I truly had "oneitis"/deep pair-bonding with my girlfriend, however her attraction to me never wavered.

I initiated a breakup with her this week because of my own doubts about whether I wanted to spend my life with her, and also because we both did have an increasing codependency. I suppose oneitis doesn't always mean you lose her attraction, if you have some relationship game, but it does lead to overvaluing the "salvation" you're looking for in love, and you might lose track with reality to an extent. I can see that that happened to both me and her. In just 2 days of us being broken up, we are both making significant life changes that we had been putting off for a year. The relationship was being used as the band-aid on a lot of other issues in each of our lives that we needed to address.

Part of me still has oneitis, and wonders if I'll ever find a girl as "special" as her again. But if I'm realistic, I do know that I can find plenty of girls that make me happy, and I'll learn to appreciate each of their specific qualities, just as I did with this one. It was a process of discovering things I liked about her, as well as sharing experiences. That truly can be replicated with just about anyone you're attracted to. Of course, you have to still look for red flags and be disciplined about letting them go. This one didn't have any red flags, which is why I inadvertently allowed myself to progress toward oneitis.

[Impulse]

My inquiry is if 'oneitis' can be the result of a dysfunctional relationship with parental figures. From what I've observed, the utmost dependent guys lacked stable households. Most choosing to abate their emotional yearning by attaching themselves to females.


Myriad women have told me about being in relationships with guys who were emotionally dependent, which all inevitably resulted in a loss of respect and attraction. Most cases of this I see involve guys who have had physical issues with fathers or step fathers, any thoughts on this?

[TheWastelander]

(10-02-2014 09:23 PM)Impulse Wrote:  

My inquiry is if 'oneitis' can be the result of a dysfunctional relationship with parental figures. From what I've observed, the utmost dependent guys lacked stable households. Most choosing to abate their emotional yearning by attaching themselves to females.


Myriad women have told me about being in relationships with guys who were emotionally dependent, which all inevitably resulted in a loss of respect and attraction. Most cases of this I see involve guys who have had physical issues with fathers or step fathers, any thoughts on this?

Yep. My brother and father never got along.

I know that's a sample size of one but I think there's something to it.

[Barron]

What's fucked up is that if I don't have a little bit of the onesy's for the girl I'm with then it never lasts long, no matter how hot she is.
I have to invest a bit of emotion into the chick if I'm going to stay with her, I haven't perfected not being completely over oneitis with a gf yet.

[SheriffBart]

Oneitis is only a problem if you lose control/frame and give it to her. I, for one, enjoy feeling strongly for a woman. Who really cares about the pain of loss? Just get a new one.

[General Stalin]

(10-02-2014 09:23 PM)Impulse Wrote:  

My inquiry is if 'oneitis' can be the result of a dysfunctional relationship with parental figures. From what I've observed, the utmost dependent guys lacked stable households. Most choosing to abate their emotional yearning by attaching themselves to females.


Myriad women have told me about being in relationships with guys who were emotionally dependent, which all inevitably resulted in a loss of respect and attraction. Most cases of this I see involve guys who have had physical issues with fathers or step fathers, any thoughts on this?

Absolutely. I've self-evaluated that a lot of my codependency issues stem from my upbringing. I grew up in a typical textbook scenario that fosters codependent behavior. Lower middle-class family, parents separated when I was young, absent mother who was in an abusive relationship after my father (which I witnessed at a ripe age), both parents have a history of alcohol and drug abuse, etc.

I've had plenty of codependent relationships and had red-pill epiphanies as a result of them, but my altering of my behavior moving forward was only a band-aid. I still have these tendencies that can creep up if I've been seeing a girl steadily for several months.

Quote:

So I think a cure to oneitis is fathers teaching their sons to have control over their emotions rather than being slaves to them and teaching them to respect themselves. "Falling in love" or "love at first sight" is BS and not manly. A woman should have to earn your love and devotion if you're into that sort of thing. Your love should not be given freely and you should always be willing to correct her or kick her to the curb if she disrespects you. Obviously the traditional Mediterranean man's correction methods are illegal in today's Western world and the institution of marriage has been ruined by the state. So, I think not marrying and dread game are appropriate replacements unless you're going to move to a more traditional country.

Anyway, I think this is the problem with a lot of modern men. They pedestalize women when they should be pedestalizing themselves and making women live up to their standards.

Women, in general, only get away with what we allow them to.

This is incredibly valid. The codependent needs to work out a way to re-focus his source of happiness on himself and not on others. Granted we are all social creatures, but you should be able to be independently happy whether or not you have a "special someone" on your life.

[Constitution45]

Its life and part of being human, as long as you are aware of it and try to get on with your life and pursue other women and goals; I would say it is actually beneficial rather than harmful in the long run. I had crazy oneitus over a few girls, one tried to attack me with a knife, and the other started to sleep with my best friend. When you get burnt so many times, you frankly stop caring and just see the funny side of things, makes you emotionally stronger.

Its a weird paradox but from personal experience, you want to be detached but not make yourself too closed up, otherwise you can ruin genuine intimate experiences and relationships in the future. At the same time you have to be a rock that doesn't get swayed.

Its a good thing you are thinking about such things and wanting to discuss them, it shows a big sign of an individual who is self improving.

[Duke Castile]

I think oneitis happens when you believe the girl has more value than you do.

You think she's a unicorn, or that you're getting better than you think you should.

She might be the type of girl you've always wanted but never landed.

A certain level of hotness, status, or whatever.

This really comes down to a self esteem issue/confidence issue.

The problem with it all is that you really can't learn any way but the hard way, this is all theory until you run across a certain girl.

Then everything is out the window.

All you can do is learn from it.

Thank God.

[lowside]

(10-02-2014 12:51 PM)General Stalin Wrote:  

Essentially, "Oneitis" is just codependency. This is the root of a lot of men's issues when dealing with a woman. Putting more of yourself into a relationship than the other party. Seeking affirmation, validation, affection, and constant attention from a woman; seeking emotional fulfillment from your relationship(s)

I disagree with above definition of oneitis. I think it is not necessarily about you caring more than the other and putting her on a pedastal. Please bear with me while I try to demonstrate below.

I've had a relationship where, admittedly, I had severe oneitis. She cared much more than I however. You can still carve your own path through life while having oneitis, with her following you. This where the discussion gets tricky. It has been argued before on this forum that you can be alpha while also being blue pill. The fact of the matter is that I still went ahead with my life with her following me, the difference was though, that I stopped looking at other girls. I thought I somehow reached my destination, and that it was okay.

So I think that oneitis is more about you not looking at other girls anymore and being happy with the one you're with (wrongly), instead of putting her in front of you.

Don't get me wrong, for a blue pill beta your definition may well be applicable. For a blue pill alpha however, I believe it is not.

[Sonsowey]

I caught oneitis from a hot girl on instagram

I can't even look at other hot chicks online these days

[General Stalin]

(10-03-2014 12:00 PM)lowside Wrote:  

(10-02-2014 12:51 PM)General Stalin Wrote:  

Essentially, "Oneitis" is just codependency. This is the root of a lot of men's issues when dealing with a woman. Putting more of yourself into a relationship than the other party. Seeking affirmation, validation, affection, and constant attention from a woman; seeking emotional fulfillment from your relationship(s)

I disagree with above definition of oneitis. I think it is not necessarily about you caring more than the other and putting her on a pedastal. Please bear with me while I try to demonstrate below.

I've had a relationship where, admittedly, I had severe oneitis. She cared much more than I however. You can still carve your own path through life while having oneitis, with her following you. This where the discussion gets tricky. It has been argued before on this forum that you can be alpha while also being blue pill. The fact of the matter is that I still went ahead with my life with her following me, the difference was though, that I stopped looking at other girls. I thought I somehow reached my destination, and that it was okay.

So I think that oneitis is more about you not looking at other girls anymore and being happy with the one you're with (wrongly), instead of putting her in front of you.

Don't get me wrong, for a blue pill beta your definition may well be applicable. For a blue pill alpha however, I believe it is not.

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=oneitis

Definition 4 stands out:

Quote:

4.

oneitis
An unhealthy romantic obsession with a single person. Usually accompanied by un-reciprocated affection and completely unrealistic idealization of the siad person.

John, snap out of your oneitis man. She's not into you.

Being content with one steady girl isn't exactly oneitis. Oneitis is an unhealthy attachment to one person where you feel a sense of dread that this person is "the one" and you don't want to lose them.