[Ayl]

Okay, so I'm just starting out with trying to fix how I relate to women. I've ordered Bang (shipped yesterday), am reading The Game, and have been checking out forums and reading as much free Internet information as I can. I'm 34 (don't know if that matters, but most of the stuff I find is geared to guys in their 20s it seems...I'm not that far out of the realm, right?). Came out of a divorce around a year ago because I finally figured out that I wasn't happy with my lot in life.

Here's my problem; I just can't seem to get over the intimidation of the initial approach. I was in a retail shop earlier tonight and saw two prospects (each alone and pretty isolated, seemed like the perfect opportunity) but just couldn't make myself pull the trigger and approach them. I'm still not sure what it is that's holding me back...but I'm working on learning to think "fuck it" and just going up to them. Any additional tips for trying to get over the hurdle? I have a feeling that after I do it a few times, it won't seem so imposing. Thanks guys...looking forward to being a part of the forum.

[mcr]

I'd be willing to bet just about everyone still has initial approach intimidation factors... some of us more than others obviously.

What I've been doing (based on advice here and elsewhere, which you've probably read too) is approach everywhere - with NO intentions. Approach the grandma crossing the street, the too young cashier, the bank teller, etc... Just a smile for starters... then 'hi/hello'... maybe a "how you are doing" once in a while..

Then what I've done is expand - start chatting in areas 'familiar' to me - places that I'm already some-what comfortable in. Have absolutely NO interest in the outcome of the situation. (this way you won't get discouraged if blown-off).

[Basil Ransom]

Put yourself in a situation where you're forced to approach people for whatever reason. And have substantive, lively conversations with them, not just inane chit-chat. You'll become more receptive and open when talking to strangers, and it'll be apparent.

I went traveling, for just a few days, stayed in a hostel, met lots of interesting people, and my game experienced a total breakthrough after that - I got way more relaxed with respect to approaching, approach anxiety declined considerably.

[Trotter]

Here's the thing for me. I learned that for myself if I approached a woman thinking about how much I wanted to have sex with her, or how much I hope she approves of me it made it harder for me to actually do the approach. Ultimately, in the end we're afraid of rejection.

There are a few things to keep in mind here. Most women are not evil bitchess that's going to degrade you just because they're being approached; that's just a fact. You'll find most women are somewhat gracious when shooting a guy down, or sometimes even flattered which can lead to a world of possibilities. To help getting over that fear of rejection just realize that there's very little chance that you're going to be responded to coldy. Unless of course you come off as a douche bag and there's nothing anyone here can help you with about that.

The other thing which took practice on my part is pretty much what mcr stated in his post. Definitely start practicing cold approaches with any woman you see. Get in the habit of being secure within your own skin and develop that skill set. The key is to block out of your mind any desires you may have towards that woman. Old or unattractive women are much easier to approach because we don't want anything from them; isn't that true? So why should it be any more different when it comes to approaching a woman we do find attractive. Train your mind and body to act as if you sincerely are interested in making a new friend rather than a love interest. Eventually, it'll just become second nature to ya.

Also, age is not a factor here. You say you're 34 and that's a very good age imo. At your age you shouldn't have any troubles hooking up with women as young as 18 if that's your thing. It's all about practice, accepting rejection, and developing your game. Definitely learn some canned openers so you're not caught stumbling over things to say. Learn one or two canned approaches and use it on women you find attractive. On the ones that don't effect you just be friendly and get comfortable with who you are.

[broken]

(11-13-2008 07:23 PM)Ayl Wrote:  

Okay, so I'm just starting out with trying to fix how I relate to women. I've ordered Bang (shipped yesterday), am reading The Game, and have been checking out forums and reading as much free Internet information as I can. I'm 34 (don't know if that matters, but most of the stuff I find is geared to guys in their 20s it seems...I'm not that far out of the realm, right?). Came out of a divorce around a year ago because I finally figured out that I wasn't happy with my lot in life.

Here's my problem; I just can't seem to get over the intimidation of the initial approach. I was in a retail shop earlier tonight and saw two prospects (each alone and pretty isolated, seemed like the perfect opportunity) but just couldn't make myself pull the trigger and approach them. I'm still not sure what it is that's holding me back...but I'm working on learning to think "fuck it" and just going up to them. Any additional tips for trying to get over the hurdle? I have a feeling that after I do it a few times, it won't seem so imposing. Thanks guys...looking forward to being a part of the forum.

Welcome to the club.

There's no silver bullet to Approach Anxiety, so you have to get used to the stress/adrenalin by doing it a lot.

[Roosh]

I fully expect guys who buy bang to have this problem so i definitely addressed that.

[zorgon]

I had crippling approach anxiety myself. Roosh's book helped. My favorite line: "If you cannot do this -- if you cannot contract your vocal chords to produce sound in the presence of another human being, then you may want to contemplate building a cabin in the woods where no girl will bother you." To me, that summed it up: is this something I am seriously interested in *fixing*, or do I just want to whine and complain while not making any real effort?

It really is true: you just have to do it and it will get better. If you do 100 approaches, I bet you will find that suddenly you have a lot less anxiety.

I don't know if I'm out of the ordinary but "fear of rejection" was never quite it for me. Sadly, for some guys fear of success is just as much a factor as fear of rejection. For me the biggest fears were fear of humiliation (not by the girl herself... I mean 3rd party onlookers laughing at me) and fear of being punched out or worse by the angry boyfriend. I can't say I'm 100% over either fear.

[mlucasone]

If you aren't getting rejected you are not living up to your potential

It's their loss if you get rejected. They are the ones being rejected. They reject themselves from experiencing the greatness that is you. They failed to see what was right in front of them. Their loss.

The only way you can fail is if you don't try. Even if you don't succeed you win, you gain a lot from each approach in the form of experience. You get better each time. You gain skill as they gain nothing. You win.

Doing nothing prevents rejection AND success. You owe it to yourself to get rejected. Each rejection puts you one step closer to success.

Thanks Roosh.

[Roosh]

Haha glad you liked the woods line. Just changing the perspective can make someone motivated in solving the problem.

[twigman]

If you can't approach at all, you need to see a psychotherapist or a counsellor to try and get your social phobia handled. If you're not in that category, then I found reading up on other guys experiences helped me realise that it is natural to feel some sense of nervousness.

you can reduce nervousness by
a) practising laughing at yourself with your friends. Don't take yourself seriously, and practice this everywhere. Its a mindset. Laughing at yourself is the mark of a true adult and a high status individual.
b) seeing your approach as of benefit to her. She may never get to meet you otherwise. Ultimately, if you don't think she will benefit from your company, I wouldn't approach her. Seedy sex in the back of your lorry is not particularly a "benefit" to a woman. (Of course sex at your pad with a guy she's into and likes is a great thing for her - every girls likes that) . So its going to be your personality and your magic, and what you can add to her life, even if its just a good conversation, a little fun, and a laugh. So few men will do that to her in her week you will stand out. A little thought : Men don't have sex with women, women have sex with men. Relax - Relax - she beg for your dick if you are a guy who can show her you are strong confident and can laugh at yourself.
c) Thinking she's a person like you with her own insecurities. Unless of course she is perfect Give her time to answer your questions and stumble on her words and get nervous too She will be nervous if you ask good questions and show you are listening to her answers and that you want REAL answers. Thats what you want. Insisting on real answers is a major skill I hope to get better at, a big sticking point for me. I too often let girls get away with crap answers.
d) realising that awkwardness with 1st conversations is normal, and you have to ride that out for her sake AS WELL as you own.

[mlucasone]

Girls need sex too. They are willing, are you man enough to give it to them? Get out there and make the close!

[Roosh]

Also, for your first approaches try asking for something easy like directions. So you realize that girls don't mind being "bothered"

[speakeasy]

(11-14-2008 01:07 PM)basilransom Wrote:  

I went traveling, for just a few days, stayed in a hostel, met lots of interesting people, and my game experienced a total breakthrough after that - I got way more relaxed with respect to approaching, approach anxiety declined considerably.

Interesting. I've stayed at hostels, met all kinds of people to travel with, had a blast and all that but for me that never translated into helping my game at all. I think when you meet up with hostelers, you instantly have lots in common just by the virtue of what you're doing. You're all obviously excited, all open to new experiences and new people, all eager to share your stories on the road. It's a lot different dynamic than walking up to a HB9 at a club with her bitch shield up. If you found a way to make it work though, that's awesome.