When it comes to basic bodily functions, you don’t really appreciate them until they’re gone. Having the ability to walk/run pain-free, getting a woody, etc. For most guys, luckily, you probably get at least 40-50 good years before it starts going downhill.
Taking a regular shit is something we take for granted as well. But not in my case. For the first 30 years of my life, I used to grunt out champion logs on the daily. Yet in the next two years, I suddenly became reduced to squeezing out little nuggets every 48-72 hours. After much experimentation with different foods, supplements, etc. I’m doing a lot better now. Here’s what happened, and I how I conquered Mt. Constipation.
The Back Story:
I never had problems with digestion or bowel movements when I lived in the US. In fact, I often was jealous of my friends, who could whip up room-clearing farts with regularity.
When I left home and started backpacking through Southeast Asia, things became a little irregular, but nothing that would be surprising in terms of third world traveling. Just the standard ‘bad water’ stuff.
The real problems happened as soon as I got to Japan. I still remember how I went without shitting the first couple days I was here. Something was wrong. It wasn’t so much physically discomforting as it was mentally. You need to shit, or it messes with your head.
It got worse. The Browns weren’t getting to the Super Bowl that often, and I developed bad gas as well. A few months in, I was riding on a bus for the preschool I worked at. There were no proper seats for the adults, so we had to squat during the bus ride. I had eaten broccoli earlier, and in my squatting position was unable to repress an absolutely rotten fart. Just fucking awful. The other teacher squinted her face, looked at me, and said “I think one of the kids just crapped their pants”. I quietly nodded in humiliation.
It really fucks up your life to have chronic indigestion. I always worried about eating, especially around girls and co-workers, as immediately afterwards I had to hold in farts. I went to numerous doctors and clinics, took different medications, even had a colonoscopy, but was unable to get a clear diagnosis or solution. From a lot of research I determined that I had some combination of irritable bowel/leaky gut syndrome.
I was frustrated and mildly depressed over this. Why me? I ate healthy, lots of fruits and veggies, no red meat or fried foods, and exercised every day. I tried everything imaginable, overloading my diet with different types of fiber, prune juice, coffee, you name it. I didn’t understand why it was happening to me, other than that I had switched hemispheres and this disrupted my body rhythms.
I kept experimenting though, and in the last six months I’ve made a lot of progress. Daily craps now and no more stinky farts. It’s a load off my mind, so to speak.
Here’s a list of things I think have helped my Turd Game become solid again:
Konnyaku
This might be the most important thing I’ve incorporated into my diet. It’s like a snake that runs through your intestines and colon, making sure nothing stays blocked. It’s cheap, has no calories, a rubbery texture, and neutral taste at best. I buy the noodle form and just add it to whatever dish I’m eating. Should be available at an Asian food store. It’s renowned as a digestive aid.
Psyllium Husk Powder
Have been taking this for about a year. Just a couple scoops a day. Make sure you mix it with a thicker substance like a yogurt drink. Doesn’t go well with water.
Probiotic pills
Bought these together with the Psyllium Husk Powder. Take a couple a day. Not too expensive.
Pirukuru
This is a lactic acid drink that, as far as I know, is only sold in Japan. I wasn’t able to find out much about it from internet research. Nonetheless, I buy one every day and mix in the Psyllium Husk Powder to take the probiotic pills as my daily regimen. In countries outside of Japan there are comparable probiotic drinks like Yakult that should be available.
Raw Ginger
I love ginger in all forms. Lately I’ve been eating large raw chunks of it, especially after meals and before exercising. It has all kinds of health benefits, many digestion-related, and gives you a “glow” if you can handle it raw.
Fibrous fruits
Obvious, but still warrants mentioning. Things started to turn around for me on a trip to India last year, where at the hotel breakfast buffet I ate a ton of melon, papaya and mango every morning. I started taking some massive shits on that trip. These fruits - and other good ones like figs - however, are difficult to find and/or expensive in Tokyo. So I definitely get my fill when back in the States.
Sleep
This is also obvious, but man, a lack of sleep fucks you in every way imaginable. Though my colon is in pretty good shape now, I definitely notice a difference in BM quality in regards to getting or not getting quality sleep. It’s tough to take a satisfying groaner when you’re stressed out due to sleep deprivation.
-Temporary Solutions-
Adderall/Dexedrine/Modafinil
These types of stimulants will definitely send you to the crapper, sooner than later. It’s not the best part about popping brain pills of course, but an ancillary benefit for sure.
Super Colon Cleanse
Mother of God, this produced a rhino-sized turd. No exaggeration, I was on the can for 30 straight minutes, just emptying out buckets of brown sewage. I swear, when I finished, the pile of shit reached out of the water, and was so massive that it almost touched my bunghole. Just like millimeters away. Should have taken a pic.
This definitely works as a short-term solution, though there are less-intense alternatives available at co-ops and health food stores.
-Wouldn't recommend-
Senna Tea
This made me cramp up like a 1000 angry feminists. I might have prepared it better though, so can’t say that it doesn’t work.
Water Enema
A rip-off. Don’t bother with one of these.
-Other shit-
Electronic Toilet
At Notre Dame they say “Play like a champion today” and in Japan it is “Shit like a champion today”. It's amazing to take a grumper in Japan. I can never go back. While such a toilet will set you back a few Gs, peep one of these instead, which are popular with Japanese travelers.
Wet Wipes
When I’m the US, these are mandatory. I can’t believe that there are people who only use regular TP to wipe. Might as well use dry leaves.
Stool
I read about the benefits of having elevated legs while shitting, so I bought something similar to this. Tough to say if it makes a big difference, but it can’t hurt, so I use it.
Well that’s it, fellas. Most of you will never have to experience serious digestive issues, but for the ones that do, just know that it’s possible to get your colon back on track.
Taking a regular shit is something we take for granted as well. But not in my case. For the first 30 years of my life, I used to grunt out champion logs on the daily. Yet in the next two years, I suddenly became reduced to squeezing out little nuggets every 48-72 hours. After much experimentation with different foods, supplements, etc. I’m doing a lot better now. Here’s what happened, and I how I conquered Mt. Constipation.
The Back Story:
I never had problems with digestion or bowel movements when I lived in the US. In fact, I often was jealous of my friends, who could whip up room-clearing farts with regularity.
When I left home and started backpacking through Southeast Asia, things became a little irregular, but nothing that would be surprising in terms of third world traveling. Just the standard ‘bad water’ stuff.
The real problems happened as soon as I got to Japan. I still remember how I went without shitting the first couple days I was here. Something was wrong. It wasn’t so much physically discomforting as it was mentally. You need to shit, or it messes with your head.
It got worse. The Browns weren’t getting to the Super Bowl that often, and I developed bad gas as well. A few months in, I was riding on a bus for the preschool I worked at. There were no proper seats for the adults, so we had to squat during the bus ride. I had eaten broccoli earlier, and in my squatting position was unable to repress an absolutely rotten fart. Just fucking awful. The other teacher squinted her face, looked at me, and said “I think one of the kids just crapped their pants”. I quietly nodded in humiliation.
It really fucks up your life to have chronic indigestion. I always worried about eating, especially around girls and co-workers, as immediately afterwards I had to hold in farts. I went to numerous doctors and clinics, took different medications, even had a colonoscopy, but was unable to get a clear diagnosis or solution. From a lot of research I determined that I had some combination of irritable bowel/leaky gut syndrome.
I was frustrated and mildly depressed over this. Why me? I ate healthy, lots of fruits and veggies, no red meat or fried foods, and exercised every day. I tried everything imaginable, overloading my diet with different types of fiber, prune juice, coffee, you name it. I didn’t understand why it was happening to me, other than that I had switched hemispheres and this disrupted my body rhythms.
I kept experimenting though, and in the last six months I’ve made a lot of progress. Daily craps now and no more stinky farts. It’s a load off my mind, so to speak.
Here’s a list of things I think have helped my Turd Game become solid again:
Konnyaku
This might be the most important thing I’ve incorporated into my diet. It’s like a snake that runs through your intestines and colon, making sure nothing stays blocked. It’s cheap, has no calories, a rubbery texture, and neutral taste at best. I buy the noodle form and just add it to whatever dish I’m eating. Should be available at an Asian food store. It’s renowned as a digestive aid.
Psyllium Husk Powder
Have been taking this for about a year. Just a couple scoops a day. Make sure you mix it with a thicker substance like a yogurt drink. Doesn’t go well with water.
Probiotic pills
Bought these together with the Psyllium Husk Powder. Take a couple a day. Not too expensive.
Pirukuru
This is a lactic acid drink that, as far as I know, is only sold in Japan. I wasn’t able to find out much about it from internet research. Nonetheless, I buy one every day and mix in the Psyllium Husk Powder to take the probiotic pills as my daily regimen. In countries outside of Japan there are comparable probiotic drinks like Yakult that should be available.
Raw Ginger
I love ginger in all forms. Lately I’ve been eating large raw chunks of it, especially after meals and before exercising. It has all kinds of health benefits, many digestion-related, and gives you a “glow” if you can handle it raw.
Fibrous fruits
Obvious, but still warrants mentioning. Things started to turn around for me on a trip to India last year, where at the hotel breakfast buffet I ate a ton of melon, papaya and mango every morning. I started taking some massive shits on that trip. These fruits - and other good ones like figs - however, are difficult to find and/or expensive in Tokyo. So I definitely get my fill when back in the States.
Sleep
This is also obvious, but man, a lack of sleep fucks you in every way imaginable. Though my colon is in pretty good shape now, I definitely notice a difference in BM quality in regards to getting or not getting quality sleep. It’s tough to take a satisfying groaner when you’re stressed out due to sleep deprivation.
-Temporary Solutions-
Adderall/Dexedrine/Modafinil
These types of stimulants will definitely send you to the crapper, sooner than later. It’s not the best part about popping brain pills of course, but an ancillary benefit for sure.
Super Colon Cleanse
Mother of God, this produced a rhino-sized turd. No exaggeration, I was on the can for 30 straight minutes, just emptying out buckets of brown sewage. I swear, when I finished, the pile of shit reached out of the water, and was so massive that it almost touched my bunghole. Just like millimeters away. Should have taken a pic.
This definitely works as a short-term solution, though there are less-intense alternatives available at co-ops and health food stores.
-Wouldn't recommend-
Senna Tea
This made me cramp up like a 1000 angry feminists. I might have prepared it better though, so can’t say that it doesn’t work.
Water Enema
A rip-off. Don’t bother with one of these.
-Other shit-
Electronic Toilet
At Notre Dame they say “Play like a champion today” and in Japan it is “Shit like a champion today”. It's amazing to take a grumper in Japan. I can never go back. While such a toilet will set you back a few Gs, peep one of these instead, which are popular with Japanese travelers.
Wet Wipes
When I’m the US, these are mandatory. I can’t believe that there are people who only use regular TP to wipe. Might as well use dry leaves.
Stool
I read about the benefits of having elevated legs while shitting, so I bought something similar to this. Tough to say if it makes a big difference, but it can’t hurt, so I use it.
Well that’s it, fellas. Most of you will never have to experience serious digestive issues, but for the ones that do, just know that it’s possible to get your colon back on track.
