[cardguy]

I am gonna' stop making threads with such dumb questions for titles.

Soon.

I promise.

I just need to ask about this. A woman I work with is retiring next week. I actually get on well with her (I make an effort with everyone) - but I am counting down the hours until she retires.

She is just so negative. So is just so bloody miserable. And it is mostly irrational. She is quite content with her life (in terms of material comforts) - but she seems to thrive on complaining about the world.

If she was honest with herself she would admit she kinda' hates me. The only reason she doesn't is because she hates everybody else in the office even more than me. As such - she can use me as friend she can whinge to about everybody else. And she can pick fights on my behalf as a way of finding more reasons to feel upset at the world. She is regularly hating on people because of something they did to me. Even though I don't give a shit.

She has my back. But only because it gives her better cover to stab others in the back.

So - in tribute to her retirement. And the day in which I will suddenly feel ten years younger - I am hoping others can help me explore the psychology of such people.

Statistically - some of you will be this sort of person. Or used to be - and found a way to change. So feel free to discuss your own experiences with this sort of negative mindset as well as those of the people you have known.

This mindset is completely alien to me. Since I am a very rational person.
And the moment I get more misery than joy from being alive - I would just reach into the kitchen drawer and start digging around for a big fat knife to slit my wrists with.

So - what makes these people tick? And why are they so miserable? Often they seem to use that misery as way of trying to keep others down and as a way of subtly expressing contempt for them.

I noticed this with the chick I work with. For some reason she gets very threatened (and almost furious) when the people she works with apply for promotions or start talking about switching to a better job.

She was never ambitious in her career - and seems to feel threatened by others who display any ambition. Even ambition of the smallest degree. And she takes absolute delight in seeing other people fail to get the promotion they applied for.

Very odd.

Can anyone help me understand this area of humanity? And additional props to anyone who can admit to having had such negative attitudes in the past.

[RexImperator]

It's because she's self-identifying with a negative thought pattern. She could let it go but that would be giving up the only "self" she currently knows. The mind is a tricky thing. Most unhappiness is self-inflicted, but people who are suffering from it are not aware of this.

[KorbenDallas]

A hard break up is what made me miserable for a while. Nothing really got me out of it.

I imagine many women are miserable because of the nature of their lives. Whereas in the 100,000 years preceding modernity women would find a man to support, have children, and then that would be their life, many today's women go from one man to the next and then end up alone and frumpy.

They probably were really only 'happy' ages 16-28 and since life will only get worse for them and since many didn't capitalize on their youth when they should have, your dealing with a lot of miserable women, especially women, in Britain and America, who, have a ridiculously large amount of electoral sway considering women vote more than men.

There is a backlash growing though and some type of collapse will happen. The millennial girls who squander their youth won't be as lucky as the role models who led them astray to live out their lives as useless paper pushers. Life will be much harsher to the next batch of women attempting the Sex and the City Lifestyle.


Men are miserable too, for a variety of reasons, but men have the ability to snap out of it better.

[Parlay44]

I have friends that project negativity because they want sympathy. They want to be babied and have people kiss their ass and feel sorry for them. It's a toxic vibe that's hard to tune out if you're around them. They need therapy. Don't feed into it. Stay away and let her wallow in her discontent.

[cardguy]

That is an excellent way of looking at things.

I am guessing Cognitive Behaviour Therapy is based around challenging such patterns of behaviour.

I guess these people take in information from the world and only choose to notice the things which reinforce their prejudices.

But they do drive me mad. Since you have to tiptoe around them - since they are looking to get angry or take offense as soon as you say something that they can deliberately misconstrue.

It is like trying to walk past a sleeping bear.

[Avarence]

I lived with a guy who lived, breathed, and slept negativity. He was the fastest person to criticize anything. Trying to converse with him about the most neutral of subjects ended up with him shitting on someone. He stayed in his room pretty much 24/7 and listened to hardcore metal. Projected this aura of miserableness, and even funnier, he claimed he only banged 10s. (Despite never once being seen with a girl in his room in the three years he lived on campus) Looked ugly as fuck, yet had stories of supposed conquests involving bad bitches. He had no idea he was never taken seriously, though, and I chalked him to a pathological liar. As a game, I'd purposely ask him questions to which I knew the answer already, just to see what response he could bullshit at the time. It could have been the most uninteresting question in the world, he would still pretend that he knew the answer.

We thought he might be gay and a coverup, but likely just finds it easier to point out flaws in girls out of resent for the fact that he's been rejected his whole life. It's like he doesn't even try anymore. Either that or he's gay.

Either way, one of the worst people I've ever met.
Oh yeah, and he's going to school for education. LOL

[Days of Broken Arrows]

Personality has some genetic components. Trying to figure out why someone is dour is in a way as useless as trying to figure out why someone has blue eyes. Anyone who has seen kids grow up knows that personality is there from the outset.

That said, circumstances can screw with you too. I was a much more upbeat person before a bunch of bad luck from 2005-09 gradually dismantled my life.

Maybe your friend at work just had crappy things happen she couldn't do anything about and is filled with regret, guilt, or just plain old anger.

[Haig]

Hey Cardguy,

Is this the Scottish woman who is retiring? If so then it makes perfect sense why she is miserable.

Just a hunch but I will guess that she has worked since she left school at 16 and has never really did much with her life due to the lack of economic growth growing up. (It's really only been in the last 20+ years that financial growth for the majority of people was possible)

If it is the same woman, is she from a working class background, again that would explain her predicament as a lot of Scots who "define" themselves as that, have an either "martyr" (being productive and successful doesn't fit in to a left wing/socialist mindset that a lot of Scots have) like complex which then leads to resentment of people who actually want to do well for themselves.

Hope this helps

[freewheeler]

Some valid points made above, I think it's a combination of things and they tend to be interrelated.

I would also mention neurochemistry issues. For example, if you're chronically stressed out and underslept that will affect your hormonal balance and neurochemical balance which will of course affect your perception, thinking, personality, etc.

When this becomes a regular occurrence it will start to become who you are.

[Onto]

In a more general sense, everyone is focused on the negative. In other words, that which is missing or wrong with life.

I don't believe there is an exception to this rule.

Whether it's a single person, a company, or a country there is an internal dialogue going on that says something to the effect...

"The world be such a great place if it weren't for that!", or "If it weren't for them!", or "if they would just do this, or see things this way!", etc, etc.

The removal of the negative is a main driving force of human biengs.

But to get to your specific example of why this woman rejoices in others not getting promoted, it may be because she sees other's ambitions as egotism and her idea of the world is there should be no egotism.

Maybe she has a sense that everyone should be equal and going for a promotion disturbs the current balance of equality. People leaveing a company would upset the balance and shake up the current "world" that exists and usually people leave a company for something better for "themselves" (egotism also)

The feminine prinicple says there should be no egotism. Everyone standing, holding hands in a circle would be an image of this. If a person breaks the circle and walks to the center of it they are establishing themselves as a sperate "identity" (a masculine trait), an ego that is sticking out from the rest

This is all unconcious of course and she has no awareness of why she feels the way she does.

[cardguy]

@Haig - Yep - it is the same woman.

She has had a lot of shit in her life. So if she was miserable about that I could understand. The problem is when she projects that misery on to others and tries to convince the world that 2+2=5. If you see what I mean?

She is Scottish, from a working class background, ended up a single mom and has worked since the age of 16. She had a tragedy soon after leaving home in that her younger brother died.

But she says she was a happy trusting person back then. And it is only with the passing of time that she has become bitter and cynical about the world.

I am not bitter but I am pretty cynical. Still - I laugh about that sort of shit - so I am never miserable about it.

I can understand her hating work. I hate work as well. But I always make an effort to try and help the day go by quicker for myself and others by being upbeat.

Still - her life hasn't been that bad. The place I work used to be notorious for letting people get away with doing little work.

And even now - for the past 12 years or so - she has had a position at work which seems like it should exist on paper - but in reality is a job that has zero reason to exist.

I swear - for the past 12 years nobody has had an easier job than her. And before then - the organisation was so dysfunctional that everyone had a cushy job. Man - I wish I had being there back then!

Hell - I do have a cushy job. It is just funny that she has a job that literally requires zero work. She could phone in sick for the day and not be missed one bit.

[Haig]

that could be one of the issues of why she is miserable...She has never achieved anything of real worth.

Also the one constant variable in this whole situation is her. Her personality and vibe that she brings will crush everyone else around her to the point where they are at the same point she is.

It sounds like she is very parasitic in nature.

[Zengling]

Simple, she is a woman.

Hypergamy is at work here makes her think that she can always do better.

How about her sex life? Does she have a husband?

If not and she is retiring, well she is thinking "Goddamn, I thought I could have any man by being great at my job and be very successful but I've just end up intimidating all the men, wasted my youth sitting at cubicles when I could have been more feminine to guys, get married to a stable man and not have to worry about any financial need as long as I support the husband in his endeavors."

[cardguy]

Sorry - the chick is Scottish. And old.

She is about as ugly a woman as you will ever see.

She hasn't had sex in about 35 years. And it is clear that she never enjoyed sex.

I think you are analysing things from the point of view of an American chick who was once hot and is sad she never properly settled down.

That is not the case here.

[Dusty]

I started reading a book that combines cognitive behavioral therapy with mindfulness. I haven't gotten very far in the book, but what I read is very intriguing.

They say just like hearing a song might bring back feelings and memories from a long time ago (or smells, like a girls perfume) a mood triggers feelings from the past and can cause you to spiral into being miserable (or anxious or whatever).

Say you were bullied as a kid. Then your boss presently is giving you more work than you can handle. So you presently feel like you hate this power imbalance and feeling of helplessness, then that triggers the bullying feelings as a kid ( which were worse) but then you spiral into a miserable mood and your mind goes into overdrive making everything worse. Their approach then is mindfulness and meditation to break that pattern of associating present difficulties with past ones. It breaks some bad thinking habits.

So based on this... Maybe people who are miserable all the time are over thinking shit and created thinking habits that put them on a downward spiral all the time.

[Zengling]

So basically she is just an ugly woman then...

Yeah ugly people tend to be more miserable than attractive people.

[Haig]

Hey,

There is something in our Scottish water that does make folk turn out like her as cases like her are so common up here.

Some folk may not realize that there are some areas in Scotland that resemble a 3rd world nation.

The majority of Scottish folk are dour. It's something that everyone will understand if they have lived here for any length of time.

[Dusty]

(05-19-2014 11:45 AM)Haig Wrote:  

The majority of Scottish folk are dour. It's something that everyone will understand if they have lived here for any length of time.

I picture Scotland with ugly grey overcast skies and a damp chill all the time even in summer. That'll fuck a lot of people up.

[Haig]

hey Dusty,

The weather(as well as alcohol) does play a major part in the mood of the Scots. We are capable of real brilliance and absolute depravity.

A lot of Scottish personality revolves around suffering and oppression.

[The Lizard of Oz]

[The Beast1]

Most people are deficient in essential vitamins and minerals. Add on top of that they get shitty sleep and eat shitty food.

Throw the final straw on by having to work a soulless job they hate and that is why everyone is miserable.

Me? I've been so delightful lately it kills me. When you learn to let go and take a hold of your diet, you begin to see people in different shades of grey in terms of personal "aura". I know it sounds strange, but dang most people look black and a dark shade of grey. It's surprising.

[General Mayhem]

Sounds like she has lived a life where she has never experience anything really hard. I feel like the more hard shit you go through, the more positive you end up being.

When you live your entire life in the middle of the spectrum it's just all blah. Those people don't know what is truly good and what is truly bad.

[Bill]

As Buddha said life is suffering. It´s some hard work to stay humble and miminalistic. Happiness is quite difficult. Being content is probably the max which can we reach. If one wants more it´s risky business.

Yes other factors play also a huge role. I think sunny weather in a better climate will help about 30%. I had mostly bad mood in Germany because of the weather and work.

Doing sports gives another 30%.

Here in the south though it´s a poosy hell it´s nicer.

[The Lizard of Oz]

(05-19-2014 12:05 PM)The Lizard of Oz Wrote:  

Jack was such a brilliant guy. It is easy to underestimate how smart he was, because he is so physically strong, and is such an enthusiast and so into it. But he was a supersmart cutting-edge dude.

Consider what he does in that video. He makes the observation of how people in the US always look so down and miserable, despite having all the money in the world, nice houses, great cars, expensive clothes and so on (note by the way this was all decades ago). And he tells the story of being in a poor South American country on a bus, with everyone dressed in tatters and how one woman with a brood of poor children started singing and everyone else started singing alongside her, smiling and so on, and seemed much happier.

Now what would a second-rate mind say following such a story? Something along the lines of, well this shows that all our "toys" are really worthless, we have to get back to a simpler life, and so on.

Is that what Jack says? Not at all! He just says two very simple things -- let's start eating a better, more natural diet; and let's start getting some exercise and moving around and not just sitting all day so that our bodies are always sagging and feeling tired and blah. Just do those simple physical things so that we can appreciate all the amazing things we have all around us and the amazing world we've built -- appreciate it 24 hours a day, as he so beautifully puts it.

That's what makes Jack a great human being and a brilliant thinker and the opposite of an ingrate -- he does not pull the all-too-common ingrate move of hating on the unthinkable progress we've made just because some aspects of this progress enable us to live lives that makes us less than ideally happy. He says, just do a few simple physical things -- just eat well, exercise your body regularly, do some simple upkeep and maintenance -- and you can be happy and enjoy the ever-increasing variety of interest and pleasure that the world offers.

[Jackreacher]

Why try to understand these people at all? You're familiar with the hamster, that's how it spins around it's little wheel. All the complaining, it's like passing gas, you can let one go sometimes but don't make a habit of it. You have a legitimate problem and if I'm your buddy hey no problem lets see what we can do about it, but if you're just gonna whine and cause drama you're talking to the wrong person.

My life is so simple, my home is a place of peace, so much so that the ones that do get a look in are usually drawn to come back.

Girls come to my home, sometimes with food, sometimes to cook, maybe clean(I was a bit surprised by this as I am in the states), whatever it is I make the decision ultimately and it's good times. They're not here everyday I get time to refresh and relax on my own.

Maybe I've done something to my personal universe but I don't find myself dealing with anyone I don't want to deal with for very long. I can't imagine myself stuck somewhere with someone who's such a drag day in day out in a place that's already a drag like some office building or whatever. The world of dealing with women in HR or in the office or at work is alien to me and only known to me by the stuff I read from this forum, and I'm quite glad that it is largely unknown to me it doesn't seem pleasant.

More and more I look at women like children, if they're whiny backstabbing negative little creatures then they weren't raised properly in the society they grew up in and that's why they are like that, again not my problem, not something I will put up with no matter how many men around me do.

I had a roommate 8 months ago who had a girlfriend similar to what you describe in the OP, he's great guy, blue pill to the bone, principles and all that stuff, electrical engineer, "happy wife, happy life" is his mantra with his girlfriend who he's yet to marry he says. After getting to know his girlfriend for 3 days I realize she is basically a vindictive, hypocritical, whiny, manipulative, lazy hoe. For a solid 3 weeks I lived there she would harass my roommate at any time in the day when there was peace, anytime. He was out of work at the time, looking for work for months apparently he seemed to be overqualified for most positions so she had to cover the bills on two of the months within the year, apparently that was a big problem for her. I would see this dude muster all the patience his blue pill heart could bear as this sloot bitches and whines and argues at him. One day, because she was acting like usual, he turned off is phone she got hammered in his house at 4am and thought it was over and got all his electronics and tore em up. The PC monitor smashed, PC destroyed, one laptop shattered to the floor, the other one swimming in the jacuzzi, digital camera splattered to a hundred bits against the wall. As he comes back home to discover the carnage I'm sure you can guess what happened, no yelling, no retaliation, just told her that if she is going break his stuff like this in the future then she needs to leave in a very "stern" voice, something to that effect anyway. I moved somewhere else naturally, these people are best avoided.

Life is too short to take time in figuring out these types of people who make others miserable.

To me personally, and this is just how I see it. There is a mass of humanity that I simply don't identify with or understand. They harbor envy and a low form of behavior that is negative and useless, they lack ambition, drive, vision, they do not thirst for wisdom, they love gossip for it's own sake and do it in malicious manner. They are not autonomous, nor do they wish to be. To me these are the plebs, the commoners, the crabs in the bucket, the majority. There is no understanding them, they don't understand themselves, they're practically unconscious as far as I can tell.