[2Wycked]

Do you want to bang these women or want to want to bang those women?

Introduction

I hate the phrase “inner game.” In fact, I hate the word game. It implies that interactions between men and women are some sorts of child’s play, a thing of only passing importance – a serious concept waylaid by a sophomoric term. Still, it reflects the state of sex relations in America: obsessed with power differentials, fearful of honesty and true emotions and fundamentally an act within an act: pretend you care about somebody you really don’t care about at all.

As for “inner game,” it is a nebulous concept that those within “the know” get on a conceptual level, but it really means self-esteem. Self-esteem, for itself, is a long-bastardized word, often synonymous with narcissism, but means something completely different. Self-esteem, as I will lay out later, is a pattern of thoughts and behaviors that reflect a person with a healthy sense of self, appropriate boundaries, levels of assertiveness and positive relations with others.

The main issue with “inner game” is it is often based out of therapeutic approaches to narcissism. The whole “fake it till you make it” is a form of defense that further represses personal issues under yet another layer of self-denial, creating a new false-self that can and will easily crumble in a new environment. Recall Mystery’s intense issues of depression in “The Game.” He got a TV show because was a perfect caricature of PUA’s who had zero self-awareness: in sum, he was completely non-threatening.

My main problem with most approaches to inner game - and this is not based from my readings on the forum - is that it creates situational confidence and not true confidence. In "The Game," Mystery was shown to have great confidence in club and bars, but turned into a jello-bowl of insecurities when his girlfriend moved in with him. See the problem? "Fake it till you make it" is fine initial advice, but is worthless long-term because you will always get exposed if you don't "make it."

How does one "make it?" By truly wanting to change and nothing else.

I could end this article here and you would probably get pissed. I understand. But to truly understand this concept, you 100% have to want to change. Trust me, once you get it, you get it because the change happens naturally and once you get the ball rolling, the fire to grow and change only grows by the day.

What Self Esteem Is & What It Is Not



Read this excellent article by Nathaniel Branden.

His definition of self-esteem (which I agree with):

Quote:

Self-esteem is the disposition to experience oneself as being competent to cope with the basic challenges of life and of being worthy of happiness. It is confidence in the efficacy of our mind, in our ability to think. By extension, it is confidence in our ability to learn, make appropriate choices and decisions, and respond effectively to change. It is also the experience that success, achievement, fulfillment – happiness – are right and natural for us. The survival-value of such confidence is obvious; so is the danger when it is missing.”

I am not going to dissect the article, but one of the key takeaways is that self-esteem is earned through hard, continuous work on the self. Let's say you master game and bed gorgeous women on the regular. All the while, you got your financial house in order and have 500K coming in passively. You stay suited and booted and have an active, intelligent mind and can converse with any man or woman on most anything with fluidity. In sum, you have made it by any standard.

If you have ignored your true self, the man within, it can crumble at the drop of a hat. Consider a painter creating a masterpiece on the walls of some church. He spends years perfecting his piece of art, which amazes and stuns even the least culturally aware. However, he never thought about the base of the church, which was slowing rotting from termites and was structurally unsound to begin within. Sometimes he noticed strong winds rocked the building a little too much, sometimes if he looked over his shoulder a little too quickly, he swore the building was shaking.

Then, one day, a nasty thunderstorm rolls through and batters the church so strongly that it collapses, his masterpiece rendered into a billion fragments. He falls to his knees when he sees this, tears streaking down his face. He recovers form and pokes around looking for remnants of his handiwork. He notices that termites are crawling everywhere and the concrete foundation looks exceptionally shoddy. He notes the fetid stench that surrounds his destroyed masterpiece.

This is an analogy for those men who refuse to face their inner demons. Their quest for pussy, money and fame was an infantile way of running from their true self. See the narcissism here? Every move in their life is about running from their one and only problem: their lack of a positive relationship with their true self. What most men don't realize is the party always ends, you get too old to fuck 20 year-old's, money suddenly does little for you because you already have the Maserati or swanky condo or simply people move on with their lives and are not their to foist worship on your false self.

As the article states above, self-esteem has many bases and they all are based out of bringing line your false self with your true self, so you have no internal conflicts about your existence. Healthy people naturally do this, as they shed the narcissistic dreams of adolescence & early adulthood and learn to accept and love their middle-class or whatever life. In sum, they learn to both accept and love their reality. So a man works hard and makes 50K a year and his game garners him the life-long love of a "6?" If he truly is happy, then he has achieved success as a man. He bettered himself and makes solid scratch and has the eternal devotion of a cute woman? Sounds like a winner to me.

The problem for most guys is they don't know who they are. They try on personas when they are young.....and don't stop as adults. They refuse to accept parts of them that they think others won't respect and ignore their strengths. Take video games. I love video games. If somebody thinks that is lame, so what? I enjoy blowing off steam balling in 2k13 or crawling big-ass dungeons in Skyrim. As long as it is a way for me to relax and I am not fantasizing about being LeBron or CP3, what is the issue?

There isn't one, but for people with low self-esteem there is. They care too much about what others think, but not because they actually care about others, but because they are worried about other people shoring up their self-image. When you haven't decided on self-identity, you can't have true self-esteem. You get guys who identity as PUA's one year and the next they are on your doorstep the next year asking you to accept Jesus Christ as your savior. They can't be too obvious about new identities as an adult, as they know that is seen as immature, so they just use religion/politics/child-rearing as escape hatches to avoid dealing with the true self.

At the risk of another massive 2Wycked post, I will cut a bit out here to get to the essence: self-esteem, or inner game, needs to be based out of a true awareness of the self and then the acceptance of that self.

As a show of good faith, I am a narcissist. I may be a codependent, but I would be diagnosed with a clinical case of narcissism by a therapist. It took me awhile to realize this, but once you do, there is a weird sense of calm over the self. To put it bluntly, once you truly realize what is or are your issues are, the inner beast is a locked on target and you can start to identify bad thought patterns and come to terms with the internal anguish.

For me, that means coming to terms with the fact I never had a childhood. As an infant I realized that my mother's needs superseded my own. The internal, infantile rage that characterizes narcissism is simply the rage of an infant denied his needs. Of course, when an infant cries, screams and flays his arms and legs around in an aggressive manner, it is the helplessness that spurs that. The carrying of that energy poses serious problems as an adult, as you now have the ability to truly hurt people. That is why people misidentify narcissists as evil, they simply have the terrible reality of not having needs met as babies.

Generally, however, self-esteem and inner game issues relate to parental deficiencies. I am an expert on malicious parenting, but men often have issues of over-parenting with suffocating mothers or abusive fathers (or far more likely step-fathers). In order to truly change, you have to accept yourself & you have to come to terms with childhood disillusionment, in whatever form. Some are tougher, like sexual abuse, but personality disorders (bad thought patterns) are much easier to deal with because no medication whatsoever is needed.

My Fiancée Is Pushing Me Away And I'm Losing Hope



Quite possibly one of The Last Psychiatrist's best posts is this: My Fiancée Is Pushing Me Away And I'm Losing Hope

So theoretically, you have self-awareness, but how do you change?

This is where most therapy ends, as people gain insight into who they are or how they think. They may even completely agree they aren't healthy, but they don't change. Why?

Because everything leading up to that was passive. Sure, it took much work to get there, but it was spinning wheels in the mud. It could be narcissistic - as narcissists love hearing about themselves. Self-awareness, in and of itself, changes nothing about the self. For many people, it is a necessary precondition for change, but it does nothing without actual work.

TLP drops what probably is his best quote in the middle of the article:

Quote:

The mistake many with that problem make is thinking that the problem is "themselves" and they need more introspection, or more insight, or more "brain hacks." You need less of those things. What you need are goals with concrete steps that you force yourself to boringly take.

Trust me, really trust me, self-awareness is a great and beautiful concept but doesn't mean a damn fucking thing if it isn't followed up with personal action.

I don't really judge a man's success on his finances, women jocking his dick, but I do notice a man's progression. I have been there, yet another man with potential pissing away his youth. I get it, it wasn't your fault you had terrible parents and went to our terribly male-averse educational system. However, it is a man's responsibility to deal with the consequences of all that. It is painful, incredibly painful to fundamentally alter who you are. When you realize you are propping up a false self at the expense of who you could be, it makes it much more palatable.

In fact, let's repeat that mantra: It isn't your fault you have problems, but it is your responsibility to deal with them.

Once, I almost got killed in a car wreck. My left wrist was fucked up bad. I needed a couple surgeries to get it functional. I remember that last surgery as I was in a cast for like 4 months. I remember when they took it off and DAMN did it stink! The skin came off in chunks, bled and looked like raw meat. Recall my observation about the church, the man noted it stank and looked awful, underneath it all.

That is what your true self looks like when you don't actively tend to it and instead pursue the false self.

However, I could have just left that wrist as is. Completely immobile and disgusting. However, I tended to it. Put it in a restraint and cleaned it when I went home with lukewarm water and very light soap. I regularly attended therapy. Man, I remember those first sessions when they would push on the wrist. That shit hurt. It was so slow at first, all painful with little progress. But, one day, I remember when I felt a sharp crack that hurt like a bitch - you could hear the snap in the office! I could feel blood rushing in after the scar tissue was burned off. I remember recoiling sharply and saying, "Whew, that hurt like a bitch, but that feels strangely good!". I still had a ways to go, but I noticed how I had regained flection in my wrist.

When considering self-awareness with actually changing, this is what it feels like. You confront bad thought patterns and personal turmoil, face it head-on and deal with it. It can be very painful, but when you truly make progress, it can hurt but will always feel good. For example, instead of backing down in a situation, you assert yourself. It may come across as weak, but you will feel your self-esteem rising as you stop being some pushover. Further, instead of not asking a girl for a number, you go for the number close. If you get blown off, it won't really matter, as you are growing and learning to close with women.

People are taught to fear change and expect others to do for them. You have to own who you are and take charge from there. If you have serious personality disorders, it isn't your fault but you have to own it because those thought patterns are still yours - just because you developed them in your youth doesn't mean they still aren't yours, just yours from years ago.

Self-esteem, or inner game, is about retracing your past, understanding what leads you to think of yourself, accepting that and learning to improve your thought patterns that reflect who you are as a man and who you want to be. Change is tough because you have to truly want it and change is always very slow at first. You have to stick with it, so that your new thought patterns override the old and allow you to finally confront your internal demons with a positive frame of mind.

But, 2Wycked, How Do I REALLY Change?



If you think that has been a purely theoretical post, you haven't been paying attention.

I will link to another article about self-change, by T in his fifth response to reader Bill.

The post is even more long-winded than me, but he nails it in the 8th section about mourning.

The innervating problem with self-change is it is inherently a personal journey. In fact, it is the most personal thing in the world. As such, I and others can only describe what we have done for ourselves, what we have seen work and the theory of self-esteem and self-change. You could start from appeasing others or whatever, but it needs to end in you 100% internally fueling your desire for change and self-actualization. Otherwise, it isn't true change, as you are simply acting for others or whatever.

TLP's advice simply boils down to: either you really want to change or you don't. If you wanted to change, you would and you wouldn't be emailing me about your ambivalence and anxiety. T's advice boils down to a similar vein, that you have to engage in true self-awareness and accept that true self and work constantly to better yourself.

T has a home-run quote that every man working on his self-esteem should memorize:

Quote:

I am perfect just the way I am, but there is always room for improvement

The problem for some is that they know they have issues, but the first step isn't dealing with those issues but accepting them as your reality. See my point here? Accept all your flaws, own them. THEN work on changing them. If you focus on your flaws, you make them worse as the anxiety will gnaw on you and make you even more anxious and disoriented. Own your thought patterns and issues. Embrace them with no judgment.

Then move from there and tend to the garden of your soul. What fucks most men in the ass is this ridiculous concept that men repress or seal their issues deep down. That isn't and has never been masculinity, real men have always been aware of their issues. Unlike women, they face their demons head-on, with pure honesty and work and battle through them. Expressing emotions isn't gay and, by far and away, expressing emotions to yourself is of crucial importance.

Above all else, you have to be honest with yourself. In order to master the self, you must be acutely aware of your emotions and from where they stem.

In sum, while my thoughts are by no means final on this matter, you have to accept yourself and then work from there. In order to accept the self, you have to have a great level of self-awareness. In order to work from there, you have to truly desire to change. The desire to change is truly a personal journey, as it can stem from a multiplicity of sources but will, hopefully, eventually be completely internally driven.

PM me if you have questions. I plan on a post about psych resources for a man, but I need to read some more before I feel confident in such a post.

[All or Nothing]

(11-09-2013 02:43 AM)2Wycked Wrote:  

I hate the phrase “inner game.” In fact, I hate the word game. It implies that interactions between men and women are some sorts of child’s play, a thing of only passing importance – a serious concept waylaid by a sophomoric term. Still, it reflects the state of sex relations in America: obsessed with power differentials, fearful of honesty and true emotions and fundamentally an act within an act: pretend you care about somebody you really don’t care about at all.

The reason why it is called "game" is because that's what it has to be, a game.

That goes for anywhere in the world.

The second you start taking any of this too seriously is the second you start walking down a path to your own inevitable doom.

[OGNorCal707]

No offense bro, but why does everything you write have to have the feel of a college essay?

[Sumanguru]

Good article. I feel like this is the "heart" of all of the decent game material I've read: active work and improvement of the self. Too much criticism of the manosphere focuses in on the bs pop psychology elements and not enough on the self criticism and improvement aspects. Is this going to be appearing on RoK? I'd be curious to see if you could get it published on another site, perhaps one that hasn't been positive toward game in the past like AVFM. (For the lols I'd like to see you submit it to Jizzabel)

[MikeCF]

(11-09-2013 01:42 PM)OGNorCal707 Wrote:  

No offense bro, but why does everything you write have to have the feel of a college essay?

Come on man that's a little catty, isn't it?

Maybe this is his outlet for his writing and a way to collect his thoughts.

Who cares? It's not like anyone who sees his username doesn't know what he's in store for, ya know?

[MrXY]

There is no such thing as the "true self". It's no more real than "the soul."

Branden is the originator of the the cult of Self Esteem that has done so much damage to American culture

[MikeCF]

I don't like the term self-esteem and don't use it.

I am a man of self-possession. There's a big difference, but I don't feel like writing an essay today.

[Engineering Bandicoot]

Excellent post 2Wycked, honestly I don't know how people are able to learn how to write so well, as you and the other great writers on Roosh do. Seems like a very hard skill to master.

I've been trying to fix my "inner game", and it is tough. I can't ask anyone for help around me, I can't trust anyone around me in real life with the questions I want to ask. I get this subconscious feeling that there are difficult things I'll have to confront about myself, and I've been avoiding facing it. The human brain is amazing, I know there's something wrong, and I want to fix it consciously, but my brain constantly tries to distract myself from working on the subject. I promised myself I would fix my self esteem before practicing any game. Pair this with untreated adult ADHD, and you have yourself a hell of a problem to fix.

I'm trying, I really am, but this is very hard. I appreciate threads like this, every little bit of information helps, thanks.

[buxv67cv]

(11-09-2013 03:33 PM)MikeCF Wrote:  

I don't like the term self-esteem and don't use it.

I am a man of self-possession. There's a big difference, but I don't feel like writing an essay today.

Can you elaborate on this? What does self-possession mean and how is it different from self-esteem?

[Hexgrex]

(11-10-2013 05:56 AM)Engineering Bandicoot Wrote:  

Excellent post 2Wycked, honestly I don't know how people are able to learn how to write so well, as you and the other great writers on Roosh do. Seems like a very hard skill to master.

I've been trying to fix my "inner game", and it is tough. I can't ask anyone for help around me, I can't trust anyone around me in real life with the questions I want to ask. I get this subconscious feeling that there are difficult things I'll have to confront about myself, and I've been avoiding facing it. The human brain is amazing, I know there's something wrong, and I want to fix it consciously, but my brain constantly tries to distract myself from working on the subject. I promised myself I would fix my self esteem before practicing any game. Pair this with untreated adult ADHD, and you have yourself a hell of a problem to fix.

I'm trying, I really am, but this is very hard. I appreciate threads like this, every little bit of information helps, thanks.

I suggest you get yourself a mentor. There are plenty of them out there, and they are more than willing to help anyone that asks. This could be your boss, someone you know that is successful, perhaps someone online, basically anyone that you think you'd like to be in their position sometime in a few years. Forming a mentor-mentee relationship is invaluable, because it gives you a free pass to literally ask any question you want, and lo and behold they will part with their wisdom, if all you do is just ask.




On topic, great post man. I've been into self-development for about 2 years now and I think you really hit the nail on the head with this one. I'd like to know more about what specific things you do in your daily life to improve self-esteem and strive for a purpose (E.g. what are some things you do everyday that you cant go without, for example I meditate every single day, and I cant go to sleep knowing I haven't meditated)