[Kristian]

I feel that I'm in a crossroad...I have bad relationship with my parents,as time passes,the worse it becomes.

They want me to be the future owner of the familiar business,a crappy farm ,but it's not the worst of the situation..the main problema is dealing with a unsociable being like my father...all day shouting and treating me like a shit..

I have 10K in earnings.I'm in the middle of my university degree and the situation as time passes gets more toxic...

What would suggest me to do?I want to scape from this shithole..

[Valentine]

Move out? Some distance between you and your parents will feel like a huge weight has been lifted off your shoulders, if you have to work more to afford it do so because the positive effect it will have on your happiness will far outweigh the costs.

[artur jedi]

try getting a scholarship overseas. 6 or 12 months away will make things better.

[Dr. Howard]

Even if your Father is a crazy person I think you still need to provide some respect for them. Most likely if he does not pass the farm to you he will have no other way to retire.

If you were in America I would advise buying the farm, shutting down most of the farm operation and then renting the land for share cropping to other farmers. You then have a foot in the door to become a real estate investor as you can borrow against some of that farm land.

[Fortitudinal]

Ive held for truth something something I heard many years ago:

'happiness is a large family, really tightly knit together, that really loves you... really far away"

I was never close to my old man, so I can relate to OP... distance and time heal it all. Though I could see why would you want to stick around and turn it around. Remember, real estate like farms will always be valuable, 'you cant eat microchips'.

[Hades]

Keep that shit in the family, once you start roots to the degree of a family farm (especially in the midwest), losing that shit is literally a disservice to your ancestors. Sharecrop the land out or whatever Wiscanada recommended. Even if you make little money off of people paying rent or you think farms are shitty, this is your inheritance and birthright, and it's why your parents (grandparents too, probably) busted their asses for years to maintain and prosper.
Then when you're a fifty year old turd and jaded of business life you can go back on the farm and play farmer. That's what I'm going to do.

[Sailor]

Do the laws of your country allow your father do disinherit you?

[Beyond Borders]

I say get out.

Yeah, you might walk out on a possibly good thing, but sticking in a dysfunctional work relationship with your father can not only screw up your relationship but you...for life. It's hard to be a confident man when you've lived your whole life cowering in someone's shadow. And a lot of men find that their coming of age consists of breaking out of such a scenario.

Go be your own man and hopefully you and your father can patch up the relationship with some distance between you - sometimes that's what it takes to come to a healthy understanding of one another.

The only way I can see it working without you leaving is if you put your foot down and tell him that if things don't change you're going to walk (and mean it). If it's really that imperative to him that the farm be passed to you (and if he gives a shit about salvaging the relationship with his son), he'll reconsider his behavior.

If not, well, sometimes that's just the way things go...

[Hammer]

Remember that your life is your own. You don't have kids so you are responsible for no one but yourself. You don't owe your parents for being alive. The people you spend time with every day will affect every aspect of your life, emotionally, financially, physically. A bad relationship is a bad investment no matter how close. Invest elsewhere.

[Parlay44]

I say check the books out. See how much money the farm brings in and compare that against what a crappy desk job may pay you. You'd be surprised. A farm is a business just like any other.

Maybe you're not ready for the burden of responsibility yet. Maybe you need to travel and "find yourself" or whatever. But don't discount the family business.

[Purple Urkle]

Without personally spending some quality time with you and your father at a family BBQ and seeing the farm and its resources I can't really give any solid advice. I need to see for myself if your father is cool or a dick. Is it you being 20 something and restless or is it your father being a sadomasochist? Usually it takes two to tango. You could be the problem and if that is/was the case then I would say buckle down and love your father and respect him while he is still alive. Practicing game can help with letting go of hostility and latent aggression toward friends and family. Familiarity breeds contempt, so beware that being close with others is a double edged sword. Don't burn bridges, especially with family. In the long run you only hurt yourself. However, if the situation is truly abusive then it may be time to cut and run and never look back.

[MikeCF]

Well, here's one way to think about the issue:

Do you want to be your own man? Or do you want to wear whatever handcuffs your parents put on you?

If you go out on your own, expect hate from your family and parents. It will be very passive aggressive. They will hope you fail so you have to run back to them.

I didn't have a bad upbringing per se. But my parents were not winners at life and making them happy would have required me to submit myself to limited view of the world.

In other words, I would have had to live for them rather than for myself.

I would have done the opposite of choosing to be my own man.

My family was holding me back so I left them. No contact from me other than periodic updates.

They now know that if they want to see me or talk to me, it will be on my terms or not at all.

[Chrysalis]

Separate from your parents, but don't cut them off completely. Their influence on your life will lessen, and it may get to a bearable level, plus you may succeed in getting your point across, so their side of the relationship may even improve. Be careful when increasing your contact with them, since there is a potential to going back to how things were.

I've been doing this half my life, and still didn't get to where I wanted to be. BTW, don't expect any understanding from the environment, they will all blame you.

[A CLizzy]

I'll keep this simple as possible. (call me old school)

1) Do not allow things to get Heated over this matter. If anything just walk away and keep silent. And if necessary Nod in agreement for the sake of peace and harmony.

2) You've Realized you are not obliged to take on this responsibility and of course it is your life to do as you please.

But also recognize that you do owe some loyalty to your family's efforts to raise, feed, clothe and ultimately mold you into the independent person you have become today. Thus if the farm land aided in that process, turning around and giving it the complete cold shoulder is slightly ignorant.

3) In this day age pledging loyalty to the land/Business your blood predecessors have worked hard to maintain and build may seem ridiculous.

However this is actually a Natural and Healthy practice that has been going on for years.

Needless to say, your going to do whatever is best for you and your desires.

But remember that the Land belongs to your family name. The sir name , that you carry about with you everyday.

Even if you can't or don't want to maintain the farm, you'll appreciate the existence of the Land as you grow older.

The fact that you took on that responsibility you were luckily or unluckily born with, means a lot to your parents and it should do you.

Whether you want to completely eradicate/neglect the farm or utilize the land for more profitable purposes in the future is a personal question.

As long as you plan on do something positive with the land eventually . Or the proceeds if that's what it boils down to.

I believe they will respect whatever you decide to do as long as you are sincere.

And if they don't due to chronic stubbornness, Escape for a bit , come back and explain the situation calmly.

Repeat the escape process until they respect your sincere fair decision.

A CLizzy

p.s Hades is on the same page (you can come back to it at 60)

[dog24]

The same thing is happening to me except ive already moved out and cut off all contact from my family and some friends. Its a tough pill to swallow, ive re-read the everyone is hoping youll fail by roosh a lot this days. Youll realize how the people that should support you no matter what, can in fact hope and go out their way to make sure that you dont succeed. Its like mikecf said you can choose to be your own man for better or for worse or live your life according to the position others put you in. Also ive been in the bad goes to worst, dont wait too long to get out of that situation, ive tried to fix something that was already broken too many times and it fucks you up mentally, it doesnt just beat you down it affects absolutely everything in your life. No one knows how much time we have you and i could even die tomorrow there are no guarantees that youll have another day so i see no point in living a miserable day to day life.

[Kristian]

(07-06-2013 12:38 AM)dog24 Wrote:  

The same thing is happening to me except ive already moved out and cut off all contact from my family and some friends. Its a tough pill to swallow, ive re-read the everyone is hoping youll fail by roosh a lot this days. Youll realize how the people that should support you no matter what, can in fact hope and go out their way to make sure that you dont succeed. Its like mikecf said you can choose to be your own man for better or for worse or live your life according to the position others put you in. Also ive been in the bad goes to worst, dont wait too long to get out of that situation, ive tried to fix something that was already broken too many times and it fucks you up mentally, it doesnt just beat you down it affects absolutely everything in your life. No one knows how much time we have you and i could even die tomorrow there are no guarantees that youll have another day so i see no point in living a miserable day to day life.

thanks! and did you move to other city in the same country or did you move to other country?

I think finding your way and sustain by yourself is priceless

[dog24]

I wish i could move to another country, i live in a shitty third world country so its not that easy for us to say fuck it and leave everything behind, plus i still have two more years of college which i should have finished a long time ago like i said it affects everything in your life. When i finally get my degree ill definitely look for opportunities in other countries thats the plan i have right now. I wish i could give advice on what to do financially unfortunately our economy is very different you should take advice from some of the other members.

[jakester318]

I've been there with both parents...I didn't even really know my father until I was about 18 and my mother was a man-hating feminist who shit all over me for 18 years of my life. You want to know how I dealt with it? I joined the Marines. Now, I'm not saying the military is the answer but it was a great escape for me and gave me a commodity that I really needed: time. Time and a change in location can do wonders for you because it affords you an opportunity to get away from the environment and the time to think about what the fuck happened to you over the course of your adolescence.

Once you have that time and distance, two things will happen for you. First, you will be able to experience life in a myriad of different ways that will teach you that the perspective your parents tried to give you is only one perspective amongst many. Other people will come into your life and teach you things that will change your life. Second, you will be able to stand on your own two feet and be able to face your past with your own perspective being formed. It is not pleasant but someday you will need to face your father and let him know how you feel. Maybe you can do that now but it doesn't sound like your father is a reasonable man, so it may have to wait. At least tell your mother if she is an understanding and loving woman. Tell her how you want to be your own man and see the world and do your own thing, not live in your father's shadow.

The truth is, sometimes in life you may never get what you need from your parents. I didn't. I never will. To a large extent, that reality was hard to swallow but it is reality. But I have been loved and cared for by people over the years that are my friends...they are my family. Family is how you define it, my brother.

[Caveman]

OK here's my advice, might not be what a "nice guy" would do, but an extreme situation calls for extreme measures, and here's what I would do:

(07-01-2013 11:42 AM)Kristian Wrote:  

They want me to be the future owner of the familiar business,a crappy farm ,but it's not the worst of the situation..the main problema is dealing with a unsociable being like my father...all day shouting and treating me like a shit..

This says is it all, you should never work with a person like this, even if he wanted to leave me billions I'd flush it all down the toilet, I don't need it under those terms. If you want to be a man worthy of respect you'll never accept shit treatment from anyone, and enforcing this principle starts with your closest family and friends.

I've found in my life that terminating destructive relationships made me a much happier and more productive and successful person, regardless of whatever other benefits I was getting from those relationships, a relationship without respect has no place in my life, and this includes relationships with the closest family, friends, and relatives.

So here's what I would do in your place:

1. Do whatever is necessary to gain economic independence from your family. You're not the true owner of you life until you've become 100% self-sufficient. However don't do it at any cost, i.e. it might not be the best idea to drop school so that you can fully support yourself immediately and then spend the rest of your life on minimum wage shitty jobs. You might have to bear him for a little more, just set it up as a major milestone in your life and work towards it, it will also make your present more bearable coz you'll know that it won't be like this forever and it will all be better one day. And if you have to pretend that you're "going along" with his plan for the farm's future in order to make your present more bearable, then by all means do it, no parent has a right to enforce a certain future upon his child, so he'll have deserved the disappointment that will come later.

2. Once you're independent you only need to be in contact with your parents as much as you're enjoying it, and if they don't change their ways and start treating you as a man worthy of at least some basic respect, then you don't need to see them at all. And once you've become independent, don't ever put yourself in a situation that you would depend on them economically again (like leave your desk job and go back to work on the farm under your father's rule), because they will very soon revert to their old selves and continue to treat you like shit, such people never change permanently, only under pressure and they will act like "normal" people only as long as the pressure is present, otherwise they go back to their "natural" selves as soon as they have the opportunity.

[Kristian]

thanks to everyone for your advice

[VincentVinturi]

[Purple Urkle]

@Kristian, you live in Denmark, no? Doesn't Denmark have one of the highest quality of life and "happiness" indexes on earth? Sounds like a cool place to have a farm. Maybe what you need is an older, completely independent life-coach/therapist/consultant type person who is into game to take an up close and personal look at your current life and help you come up with several potential courses of action? Someone from the forum who will fly to where you are and spend a week living with you and getting to know every detail of your life. I would be willing to do this for $1000 dollars (not euros) plus airfare. For seven full days (100hrs. of work) I will learn everything I can about you and your family dynamic, social circle, work situation, and university options. I will pitch a tent and camp on your farm (you can tell your dad I am a soybean farmer from the US with Danish roots who has a passion for farms and wishes to see how your farm operates). This will also give me an opportunity to "volunteer" working on the farm for your father so I can assess his personality and leadership style. At night we can go out gaming and I'll be your rich suited down long lost uncle from America wingman. What I would do is document the entire week with photographs (of the farm and its resources, where you hang out, your personal style and vibe, the kinds of chicks you attract, etc.) and journal entries and then post my findings daily on this thread so senior members of the forum can give you specific advice and feedback throughout the week.

If you can put me on a spot for two hours every evening after dark where I can play street music and make cash we will deduct those earnings from the $1000 fee. For example, if I make $100 euros a night (very realistic) then you would owe me nothing at the end of the week.

I'm not available to do this until November.

[Pacesetter20]

I agree with the comment to check out the books and see how well the farm is doing. No reason to burn a bridge and lose an asset (if it is making money) down the road.

Maybe just tell him that you want be apart of what your family built but you just want to discover yourself or whatever to ease your father's worries.

[Sp5]

"Don't bet the farm" on some hypothetical other future until you've tried the farm out.

With airbnb you could have a side business renting out to tourists.

Dealing with the father is another matter, if you take over the farm, take over and don't take his shit.

[Kristian]

thanks everybody!

what I will do is travel around europe during a year and apply for my Erasmus .It will refresh my mind I think thats what I need