I heard this one song that was getting pushed real hard on the local rock stations when I was back home. When I heard it, I thought, "Nice guitar piece." Then I heard the lyrics. It was one of the moments when you feel time slow down as you process the lyrics. It spoke to me as to where I was at in life. Here is a copy of the song (couldn't find a quality video)
First, do note I drew on Tuth's Meeting Melissa article at RoK - just for his use of years to highlight his points. I will be using the lyrics from the song to talk about my past, my past week and where I am right now.
I take God here to refer to authority figures.
2004: I consistently received poor grades from my senior English teacher. I put so much effort into my last paper, which I got a B-. She took me aside and personally told me to reconsider attending college. She told I was a terrible writer and wasn’t bright enough to succeed.
I told my mother my teacher’s concerns and she echoed them back to me. She said I really needed to go to community college in order to understand how difficult college is. She told I really needed to work on my writing. This was after receiving all sorts of awards throughout school for my excellent writing. 2Wycked thought, “They are right. I am a fraud – all those awards were just to help me feel good about myself.”
2005: I spent much time reforming my style, getting a good haircut and taking care of my money. I improved my game, via SoSuave and was starting to grow. I got a little cocky. I got into a relationship with a rank narcissist. Like T over at the rawness.com has said before, superficial changes can never take the place of real, substantive changes. It can collapse like a basement in a bad flood. Sure, it can withstand some rains, but when it really needs to hold, it folds like a house of cards.
She ruthlessly used me and dumped me on Christmas Eve for a friend of mine. She drained me and left me bereft of any self-esteem. Even my best friend was starting to get tired of me because I, in turn, sought to emotionally drain my friends with my incessant complaining about how wrong she did me.
![[Image: images?q=tbn:ANd9GcSYlLXJj_T7XsVVRFqKTXI...Oqz8EJl-cg]](https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcSYlLXJj_T7XsVVRFqKTXI-eg6pO57urCgk3TiAs8nmOqz8EJl-cg)
2005: I thought of myself in psychologically unhealthy ways, “I am a failure. I have no value.” If you had told me where I would be in 2013 would have laughed at you.
2011: Staring at my ceiling on the first day of law school, second year. I had found Roissy’s blog and read it all night. It completely shattered my world. I already was in a bad place and I found myself being dragged out to sea. I didn’t go the first week’s classes and the Dean gave me a personal call and asked about my well-being. For the first time in a my life, at rock bottom, I came clean. I was drinking too much, all I did was sit around and was quickly putting on weight. I took the first step on the path to personal redemption. If you had told me where I would be in 2013, I would not have listened.
2013: I graduated in good standing from a top law school. I had reformed myself, with real self-esteem. I continue to practice a lot of methods for building and maintaining healthy self-esteem. I have worked greatly on my game – having to constantly perform for a narcissist can help you if you channel it right, as my fashion game, wit and intelligence are all already there. I am truly happy on many levels. The smiles are natural, dealing with the blows of life doesn’t result in severe dips in my mindset.
2006: The narcissistic female made repeatedly attempts to reconcile. I calmly rejected them all except one. I met her for coffee and we talked for about an hour. She put on the show she was so good at. I told her point-blank at the end it was good to talk her, wished her a good life and goodbye. Despite some messages on Facebook over the years, I have ignored her every time. I meant it that I was done with her.
2013: I hung out with old friends this past week. One of my best friends is a classic, cold-hearted narcissist. The first night we all hung out, a cute girl took a real shine to me. I was disheveled, smelled real bad and hadn’t shaved in some time. However, I rocked some real game. I negged her, teased her and demonstrated social superiority. My friends recounted all sorts of outlandish stuff I have done in my life, often involving sex with women. Long story short, I had come some way from my former simphood. I could feel her adoring gaze burning holes in the side of my face.
2013: After enjoying some good times with the aforementioned woman, the attention dried up suddenly. I hung out with my narcissist friend. He told me he was trying to help me with the girl, texting her about how into her I was and how I really wanted her to be my girlfriend. I said nothing of that to him. She curtly told me in person I was way too thirsty. I told firmly that you know who he is as a person, he would lie through his teeth to hold other people down. She face-faulted for a few moments before telling me the damage was already done.
I felt that codependent fear rise in my chest. That horrible knot in the middle of your heart. I hadn’t felt it in some time. I was supremely incensed with my friend but I calmed down as I realized this is the reality of a relationship with him.
There is no going back. If I want to keep growing as a person and with women, I can’t go back to these sorts of toxic friendships. Here I was, ascending in life and a close friend couldn’t handle that. The more I thought about it our whole relationship came back to me. One of the main reasons I did poorly with women was when I was with him. I did alright away from him, but with him he always blew me out the water.
T has pointed out that it is very difficult to manage power relationships with a narcissist without become one yourself. That is not the man whom to which I aspire. I want maximize my potential with reference to reality, not cloaking reality with delusions of grandeur. While I was able to contain him for one night, he did have her number and once he realized we were hanging out, he put an end to that. When I talked to him about it, he said “It’s whatever, man.”
![[Image: 943352_603970876288043_839466039_n.jpg]](https://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/p480x480/943352_603970876288043_839466039_n.jpg)
I think this means that you just have to change. It might be the toughest thing in you will ever do, but sometimes you just got to walk away.
I hung with some of my friends my final night before going back home. I found out one of my good friends was moving away to another city. He has really improved himself and is receptive to some red-pill thoughts. I was impressed with him – he has come a long way. We talked late into the night one of the previous nights, where I riffed freely on some red-pill thoughts on women. He confessed part of the reason he was leaving was that the city has nothing left to offer him. He was tired of our narcissistic friend blocking his development. He was tired of just being friends with women.
Back to the final night, some women I didn’t know came by. One took to me immediately and we vibed for over an hour, just drinking and razzing each other. My narcissistic friend put an end to that fairly quickly, with him going out of his way to subtly down me and make me look foolish. Her house was on my way home, so I took them all back. She confessed, drunk as hell, I was attractive at first, but she said I lost it at some point.
I know what it was. My narcissistic friend once blew me out again. Do note this dude gets women all the way to bedroom, and then refuses to do anything sexual with them. I have never met a man that women will hate so thoroughly because they recognize how huge a pussy he is deep down. Sure, it is buried underneath all that narcissistic armor, but they can sense it at the end.
Regardless, once again, here I was again. I tried to pen this article when I got back home and finished off a bottle of whiskey. I was too drunk to convey what I needed to convey. What I did decide is that I am done with playing those games. I will be friends with him and all that, but he will have no place when I am with women nor will he have any place when I need to be my best. If it doesn’t benefit him in some way, he will down me. No more. Sometimes you just have to pull the trigger, even if it means on somebody who is one of your oldest friends.
This may have been the toughest part for me to get over. I drove back to my apartment and had a few hours to think of the week. It started out tough, as I had to come to grips with the fact that my past back home was just that – a memory in the rearview mirror. I stared for awhile as the exit sign for my city faded in the horizon. I had the naïve thought I could come back, with my former friends and still be the man I had become.
It doesn’t work that way. You are drawn back into bad habits and the previous people who hurt you are still the same people. It stung so hard because I had never gamed women at the level I do now. When I was blown out with that cute girl I hit it off so well it hurt.
Yes, you can - you shouldn't, but you will. I shouldn’t regret losing contact with that woman, but I do. Yet, it isn’t mostly her, it is the fact I was played again by another narcissist. It hurts that I did what I needed do, but I still was cockblocked in the end. That had been my life, I do what I can, but it is never enough. I get all A's in school - you could have done this or that better. I am sick of doing what I should do but losing in the end.
In any event, it was tough but I was able to come to grips with it. I did what I could, but it wasn’t enough. I was at fault for thinking my friend wouldn’t fuck me over. However, he did - as I should have expected.
Yes, thank God the past doesn’t last forever. I have written a new script and still there is so much more to write. It hurts me that I will never be able to exist in the cradle of my youth in a way that will truly reflect who I have become. They are too many people and memories that cloud my frame and prevent me from staying on point.
I never thought I would be where I am now. I never thought, in my past, I would graduate law school and have the world before me. I would never have thought I would be growing as a man and cultivating game so I am not at the mercy of a woman’s whims, but a self-respecting man who is starting to call the shots in his sex life. The reality I am living now is nothing I could have imagined. Sure, I could have had some grandiose visions of a life, but not some dreams grounded in reality.
It is tough to deal with. Since you have been so used to being held down, used by the whims of others and just held back, it can be tough to come to grips with your growth. To the unfamiliar, it might not make sense, but it does really. One of the toughest things in the world isn’t to succeed, but to maintain that level of success when you aren't used to winning.
![[Image: images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQZ7nwZFJlhC_nPfRiYj_t...fjh_n6xcjO]](https://encrypted-tbn3.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQZ7nwZFJlhC_nPfRiYj_tH_LWzPgCkOESittYkblfjh_n6xcjO)
Sadly, I have to slam the door on that part of my past. My two other best friends don’t even live in the same state anymore; my remaining friend is the terrible narcissist. Sure, my family is still back home and I have many less-close friends, but the past is in the past. It may be fun to meet up and catch up with friends from time-to-time, but I can’t rely on it for anything substantive.
I thought it would hurt more to put this in my past, but it doesn’t. I think my subconscious was already moving this way, my conscious just needed to get that final reason to bury this past in coffin, lament it’s passing and leave hat in hand.
At the end of the day, when you radically change your life, the people who you knew before usually never take well to it. Some are just jealous, some are quietly covetous, others are actively forcing back into inferior roles you previous acted out.
Some of the greatest challenges to your frame won't be some hot girl at the bar, but a person from your past. Maybe an ex, maybe a close friend who perceives you as a threat. It is tougher than a pickup because you have had or do have an emotional relationship with that person. That is why young players sometimes get blown out in relationships - they can manager early stages of a relationships but get ground down in the long-term but a woman's hamster.
As for my life, it is painful to realize what your past really is and what it will be if you treat it as such. I healed myself for some time where I live now and only spent minimal time (a day or two) back home. After over a week, I saw what it is was. The congealed trainwreck of a youth gone horribly wrong. I see why two other close friends left - the well was dry and there was nothing left for them if they wanted to grow.
My one friend hasn't grown, but the other who is leaving now is growing. I am proud of him. He knew there was nothing left for him back home - why stay?
Sometimes, as much as you understand the world, it still spills through your hands like sand. The best approach is just walk away. There is nothing to be gained here, only loss. It makes me so sad to know that is the truth, but it is undeniable. I just looked through those texts I sent to that girl and then I notice the silence. It speaks to my past - even when I do things right, I still lose. I don't need that in my life. If I fail with a girl, it should be because I screwed up, not because somebody I consider a friend cockblocks me after the fact.
There is an old saying:
I can't change the people or circumstances of my past. I can change who I am going to be. The past is in the past, thank God it doesn't last.
First, do note I drew on Tuth's Meeting Melissa article at RoK - just for his use of years to highlight his points. I will be using the lyrics from the song to talk about my past, my past week and where I am right now.
Quote:Quote:
I had a plan and it made God laugh
I took the hope but there was none
I should've known that was so dumb
I take God here to refer to authority figures.
2004: I consistently received poor grades from my senior English teacher. I put so much effort into my last paper, which I got a B-. She took me aside and personally told me to reconsider attending college. She told I was a terrible writer and wasn’t bright enough to succeed.
I told my mother my teacher’s concerns and she echoed them back to me. She said I really needed to go to community college in order to understand how difficult college is. She told I really needed to work on my writing. This was after receiving all sorts of awards throughout school for my excellent writing. 2Wycked thought, “They are right. I am a fraud – all those awards were just to help me feel good about myself.”
Quote:Quote:
I was a dick when I was seventeen,
I thought the world brought me everything
2005: I spent much time reforming my style, getting a good haircut and taking care of my money. I improved my game, via SoSuave and was starting to grow. I got a little cocky. I got into a relationship with a rank narcissist. Like T over at the rawness.com has said before, superficial changes can never take the place of real, substantive changes. It can collapse like a basement in a bad flood. Sure, it can withstand some rains, but when it really needs to hold, it folds like a house of cards.
She ruthlessly used me and dumped me on Christmas Eve for a friend of mine. She drained me and left me bereft of any self-esteem. Even my best friend was starting to get tired of me because I, in turn, sought to emotionally drain my friends with my incessant complaining about how wrong she did me.
Quote:Quote:
But who am I knew I'd never be
Is everything that happens in between
2005: I thought of myself in psychologically unhealthy ways, “I am a failure. I have no value.” If you had told me where I would be in 2013 would have laughed at you.
Quote:Quote:
Stuck in hell when I was twenty-five
2011: Staring at my ceiling on the first day of law school, second year. I had found Roissy’s blog and read it all night. It completely shattered my world. I already was in a bad place and I found myself being dragged out to sea. I didn’t go the first week’s classes and the Dean gave me a personal call and asked about my well-being. For the first time in a my life, at rock bottom, I came clean. I was drinking too much, all I did was sit around and was quickly putting on weight. I took the first step on the path to personal redemption. If you had told me where I would be in 2013, I would not have listened.
2013: I graduated in good standing from a top law school. I had reformed myself, with real self-esteem. I continue to practice a lot of methods for building and maintaining healthy self-esteem. I have worked greatly on my game – having to constantly perform for a narcissist can help you if you channel it right, as my fashion game, wit and intelligence are all already there. I am truly happy on many levels. The smiles are natural, dealing with the blows of life doesn’t result in severe dips in my mindset.
Quote:Quote:
There's no going back
The past is in the past
2006: The narcissistic female made repeatedly attempts to reconcile. I calmly rejected them all except one. I met her for coffee and we talked for about an hour. She put on the show she was so good at. I told her point-blank at the end it was good to talk her, wished her a good life and goodbye. Despite some messages on Facebook over the years, I have ignored her every time. I meant it that I was done with her.
2013: I hung out with old friends this past week. One of my best friends is a classic, cold-hearted narcissist. The first night we all hung out, a cute girl took a real shine to me. I was disheveled, smelled real bad and hadn’t shaved in some time. However, I rocked some real game. I negged her, teased her and demonstrated social superiority. My friends recounted all sorts of outlandish stuff I have done in my life, often involving sex with women. Long story short, I had come some way from my former simphood. I could feel her adoring gaze burning holes in the side of my face.
Quote:Quote:
There's no going back
Forget going back
2013: After enjoying some good times with the aforementioned woman, the attention dried up suddenly. I hung out with my narcissist friend. He told me he was trying to help me with the girl, texting her about how into her I was and how I really wanted her to be my girlfriend. I said nothing of that to him. She curtly told me in person I was way too thirsty. I told firmly that you know who he is as a person, he would lie through his teeth to hold other people down. She face-faulted for a few moments before telling me the damage was already done.
I felt that codependent fear rise in my chest. That horrible knot in the middle of your heart. I hadn’t felt it in some time. I was supremely incensed with my friend but I calmed down as I realized this is the reality of a relationship with him.
There is no going back. If I want to keep growing as a person and with women, I can’t go back to these sorts of toxic friendships. Here I was, ascending in life and a close friend couldn’t handle that. The more I thought about it our whole relationship came back to me. One of the main reasons I did poorly with women was when I was with him. I did alright away from him, but with him he always blew me out the water.
T has pointed out that it is very difficult to manage power relationships with a narcissist without become one yourself. That is not the man whom to which I aspire. I want maximize my potential with reference to reality, not cloaking reality with delusions of grandeur. While I was able to contain him for one night, he did have her number and once he realized we were hanging out, he put an end to that. When I talked to him about it, he said “It’s whatever, man.”
Quote:Quote:
When life's a loaded gun, you pull the trigger, trigger
I think this means that you just have to change. It might be the toughest thing in you will ever do, but sometimes you just got to walk away.
I hung with some of my friends my final night before going back home. I found out one of my good friends was moving away to another city. He has really improved himself and is receptive to some red-pill thoughts. I was impressed with him – he has come a long way. We talked late into the night one of the previous nights, where I riffed freely on some red-pill thoughts on women. He confessed part of the reason he was leaving was that the city has nothing left to offer him. He was tired of our narcissistic friend blocking his development. He was tired of just being friends with women.
Back to the final night, some women I didn’t know came by. One took to me immediately and we vibed for over an hour, just drinking and razzing each other. My narcissistic friend put an end to that fairly quickly, with him going out of his way to subtly down me and make me look foolish. Her house was on my way home, so I took them all back. She confessed, drunk as hell, I was attractive at first, but she said I lost it at some point.
I know what it was. My narcissistic friend once blew me out again. Do note this dude gets women all the way to bedroom, and then refuses to do anything sexual with them. I have never met a man that women will hate so thoroughly because they recognize how huge a pussy he is deep down. Sure, it is buried underneath all that narcissistic armor, but they can sense it at the end.
Regardless, once again, here I was again. I tried to pen this article when I got back home and finished off a bottle of whiskey. I was too drunk to convey what I needed to convey. What I did decide is that I am done with playing those games. I will be friends with him and all that, but he will have no place when I am with women nor will he have any place when I need to be my best. If it doesn’t benefit him in some way, he will down me. No more. Sometimes you just have to pull the trigger, even if it means on somebody who is one of your oldest friends.
Quote:Quote:
Thank God it doesn't last forever
This may have been the toughest part for me to get over. I drove back to my apartment and had a few hours to think of the week. It started out tough, as I had to come to grips with the fact that my past back home was just that – a memory in the rearview mirror. I stared for awhile as the exit sign for my city faded in the horizon. I had the naïve thought I could come back, with my former friends and still be the man I had become.
It doesn’t work that way. You are drawn back into bad habits and the previous people who hurt you are still the same people. It stung so hard because I had never gamed women at the level I do now. When I was blown out with that cute girl I hit it off so well it hurt.
Quote:Quote:
You can't regret what you don't decide
Yes, you can - you shouldn't, but you will. I shouldn’t regret losing contact with that woman, but I do. Yet, it isn’t mostly her, it is the fact I was played again by another narcissist. It hurts that I did what I needed do, but I still was cockblocked in the end. That had been my life, I do what I can, but it is never enough. I get all A's in school - you could have done this or that better. I am sick of doing what I should do but losing in the end.
In any event, it was tough but I was able to come to grips with it. I did what I could, but it wasn’t enough. I was at fault for thinking my friend wouldn’t fuck me over. However, he did - as I should have expected.
Yes, thank God the past doesn’t last forever. I have written a new script and still there is so much more to write. It hurts me that I will never be able to exist in the cradle of my youth in a way that will truly reflect who I have become. They are too many people and memories that cloud my frame and prevent me from staying on point.
Quote:Quote:
The future I'm living now
Is not what I'd thought it'd be
The person I was before
Is nothing like me
The future I'm living now
Is the way that I want it to be
I never thought I would be where I am now. I never thought, in my past, I would graduate law school and have the world before me. I would never have thought I would be growing as a man and cultivating game so I am not at the mercy of a woman’s whims, but a self-respecting man who is starting to call the shots in his sex life. The reality I am living now is nothing I could have imagined. Sure, I could have had some grandiose visions of a life, but not some dreams grounded in reality.
It is tough to deal with. Since you have been so used to being held down, used by the whims of others and just held back, it can be tough to come to grips with your growth. To the unfamiliar, it might not make sense, but it does really. One of the toughest things in the world isn’t to succeed, but to maintain that level of success when you aren't used to winning.
Quote:Quote:
The minute I walk through the door
I slam it behind me
Sadly, I have to slam the door on that part of my past. My two other best friends don’t even live in the same state anymore; my remaining friend is the terrible narcissist. Sure, my family is still back home and I have many less-close friends, but the past is in the past. It may be fun to meet up and catch up with friends from time-to-time, but I can’t rely on it for anything substantive.
I thought it would hurt more to put this in my past, but it doesn’t. I think my subconscious was already moving this way, my conscious just needed to get that final reason to bury this past in coffin, lament it’s passing and leave hat in hand.
At the end of the day, when you radically change your life, the people who you knew before usually never take well to it. Some are just jealous, some are quietly covetous, others are actively forcing back into inferior roles you previous acted out.
Some of the greatest challenges to your frame won't be some hot girl at the bar, but a person from your past. Maybe an ex, maybe a close friend who perceives you as a threat. It is tougher than a pickup because you have had or do have an emotional relationship with that person. That is why young players sometimes get blown out in relationships - they can manager early stages of a relationships but get ground down in the long-term but a woman's hamster.
As for my life, it is painful to realize what your past really is and what it will be if you treat it as such. I healed myself for some time where I live now and only spent minimal time (a day or two) back home. After over a week, I saw what it is was. The congealed trainwreck of a youth gone horribly wrong. I see why two other close friends left - the well was dry and there was nothing left for them if they wanted to grow.
My one friend hasn't grown, but the other who is leaving now is growing. I am proud of him. He knew there was nothing left for him back home - why stay?
Sometimes, as much as you understand the world, it still spills through your hands like sand. The best approach is just walk away. There is nothing to be gained here, only loss. It makes me so sad to know that is the truth, but it is undeniable. I just looked through those texts I sent to that girl and then I notice the silence. It speaks to my past - even when I do things right, I still lose. I don't need that in my life. If I fail with a girl, it should be because I screwed up, not because somebody I consider a friend cockblocks me after the fact.
There is an old saying:
Quote:Quote:
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.
I can't change the people or circumstances of my past. I can change who I am going to be. The past is in the past, thank God it doesn't last.
