[BoiBoi]

Here is my story:

11 years ago, I lived in Latin America for a few years and left a chic pregnant before moving back to Europe. She had twins (woohoooo) and ever since, Ive been paying child support. Went to visit them 4 times over the course of the years and it always has been pretty awkward.

I have no real relationship to the kids nor to the woman. Shit, I hardly know them. I used to call them on their birthday and on christmas, but again, just out of social or moral pressure. I will never move down there and still am way to egotistical, irresponsible and immature to be a dad. Mind you, I was 18 when I moved back to Europe...

Anyways, the only times she contacts me is when is wants money, which is likely around this time of the year. Im pissed about the whole situation. Im mad at myself, mad at her and dont know what to do about it. Not financially, but emotionally.

[el mechanico]

Where and what conditions do they live in? 11 years is not too late to rectify this you should probably go there and sort it out and get them visas to come stay with you part time.

[Duke Castile]

I'm interested in knowing how much you have to pay. That really sucks though. I have no advice on the emotional front except that if you think you may be happier if you had a relationship, maybe you could pursue one.

[Technics]

Agree with what El Mechanico said.

If you feel you're still irresponsible/immature to be a full-time Dad, you can still call and talk to your kids and start going down there at least once per year.

Kids really are harmed by feelings of worthlessness when a parent doesn't show interest in them.

You're already paying the woman money and feeling social pressure to interact with them, so you might as well just go all the way and at least reap the enjoyment of being a Dad.

(12-13-2012 12:02 PM)el mechanico Wrote:  

Where and what conditions do they live in? 11 years is not too late to rectify this you should probably go there and sort it out and get them visas to come stay with you part time.

[lavidaloca]

He probably pays by choice not due to law enforcement. Thats a tough spot though, having kids so far away in a place you have no desire to be. If you think they'll be successful in America or they are in a bad situation where they live it would make sense to get them visas to try to better their lives.

[BoiBoi]

Well, they live in Montevideo and in alright conditions. Nothing fancy, but alright. We never went to court or nothing, we basically settled the financial part privately and I pay her like 300€ in alimony and 200€ for the school monthly.

Back then, the mother told that she was on the pill, my horny teenage ass believed her and for that, I despise her, probably for the rest of her/my life. I always wanted to have kids, but not that young, not with her, not there.

[BoiBoi]

(12-13-2012 12:16 PM)Technics Wrote:  

Agree with what El Mechanico said.

If you feel you're still irresponsible/immature to be a full-time Dad, you can still call and talk to your kids and start going down there at least once per year.

Kids really are harmed by feelings of worthlessness when a parent doesn't show interest in them.

You're already paying the woman money and feeling social pressure to interact with them, so you might as well just go all the way and at least reap the enjoyment of being a Dad.

You and El are right, but building a real relationship is very difficult. Not only because of the distance, but also because everything gets filtered through the mother. I cant write them an email or call them directly, every contact goes through the mother first.

No way I can take them to live with me part time. I dont have the housing, nor the financial means to support them here. They have to go to school etc.

[Menace]

Kids are a huge responsibility, perhaps the biggest there is. You cannot build a relationship over the internet if none exists in the first place, although you can maintain it (that's what I do). You need to go there for a month or 2 and be with them and see how things go. Consider bringing them over during their summer vacation to stay with you. However, as you can see, when kids are in the picture you can't live your life exactly as you want it.

Kids can be very forgiving, but only if you make a legit effort. They can see through BS easily. Of course you can also just keep things as they are if you think it's just never going to work.

[Timoteo]

If she lied to you about being on birth control, that's fucked up. I give you props for supporting her and the kids, but it's kind of rough being nothing more than a source of money, and naturally, that's all she'll see you as. Continue calling the children though. It will always be awkward because you aren't a part of their daily lives. Try to visit when you can, and at some point you can communicate directly with them (Skype/webcam) when they're a little older. That's the best you can do.

[christpuncher]

You should be happy you're paying 500/month to a spanish woman and not 2000 to a european one. A lot of men who value their freedom but still REALLY want children would consider something like this ideal. Paying a minimal amount to support them and still having your seed spread throughout the world.

[billy]

I have two kids by two different women, the cost to me is over £1500 per month but one at least is in England And other I spend a fortune in flights every year. While sometimes it bugs me that I have expenses instead of a playboy lifestyle Every big smile hug and kiss you get from your kids makes it all worth it. Every effort you make to be a proper dad will be rewarded.

[el mechanico]

"No way I can take them to live with me part time. I dont have the housing, nor the financial means to support them here. They have to go to school etc."

Fix that and get a lawyer in her country if she doesn't meet your demands.

[painter]

Money is important. So are kids, especially if they're yours. If you had to choose one or the other, which is more important to you?

Now put yourself in the kids shoes weighing money versus their dad? Which one do you choose?

It's a harsh situation. Young cats especially need to keep this in mind. It's a thin line between having fun and having something weigh on your heart for the rest of your life.

Thanks for posting this, that took guts.

[BoiBoi]

Maybe I should add that its pretty a much a "like father like son" situation. My dad has 5 kids with 3 women, lives in the same city as I do and still we barely see each other. One of my half brothers hates him and hasnt talked to him in like 10 years and my half sister is clinically depressed because of the situation. Yeah, we are the typical healthy western family bunch...

[kdolo]

You had these kids at age 18 which means you knew absolutely nothing about how the world works ...... so let me enlighten you (potentially).


The mom told you that she was on the pill - only to hustle you - word to the wise - Latin american women are NEVER on the pill.

Second, You have no idea if the kids are actually yours !!!!
did you do DNA ????

You may have been hustled for money to raise some other dude's seed.

Get all this checked out - you may be stressed over nothing.

[BoiBoi]

(12-13-2012 04:01 PM)kdolo Wrote:  

You had these kids at age 18 which means you knew absolutely nothing about how the world works ...... so let me enlighten you (potentially).


The mom told you that she was on the pill - only to hustle you - word to the wise - Latin american women are NEVER on the pill.

Second, You have no idea if the kids are actually yours !!!!
did you do DNA ????

You may have been hustled for money to raise some other dude's seed.

Get all this checked out - you may be stressed over nothing.

You are absolutely right, I knew shit back then and nowadays, I wouldnt raw-dog any random latin broad. Matter of fact, I dont even give out my full name, or other details, but I know that these kids are mine. They look just like me when I was little, especially the older one. Its so obvious that it hurts.

[Dr. Howard]

Also having a child in another country and when tempted to give up due to a crazy ex I always remind myself that eventually those kids get into their late teens and think for themselves. Staying minimally involved so that they know how to find you and you know how to find them is important for when you get to the day you can interact with them without your ex as an intermediary.

[Pete]

Call them every once in a while. Birthdays, christmas, nye, etc.

I say this because my father has never called me to wish me a happy birthday. You don't know how happy it would've made if he had done that.

There's nothing worse than feeling you're not important to your father. Trust me.

[Parlay44]

They can't enforce child support internationally as far as I know.
If you don't have it in you to be involved then don't be. They might be
better off. Just leave the door open if they want to find you later in life.

[Technics]

Not true. Of course, it could end up being a complete headache for her thus dissuading her to pursue it, but its entirely possible, depending on the circumstances.

Regardless, OP has stated that this is more of an emotional quandary for him.

(12-13-2012 08:21 PM)Parlay44 Wrote:  

They can't enforce child support internationally as far as I know.
If you don't have it in you to be involved then don't be. They might be
better off. Just leave the door open if they want to find you later in life.

[germanico]

(12-13-2012 11:55 AM)BoiBoi Wrote:  

I will never move down there and still am way to egotistical, irresponsible and immature to be a dad.

You are what you want to be.

[el mechanico]

" this is more of an emotional quandary "

That's girl speak. Stop playing around and straighten this out.

[Technics]

El Mechanico,

Look at OP. "Emotional" is OP's own word to describe his dilemma.

And I don't know what you have against "quandary."

And I'm not playing around. I've already stated my view on the issue, right after yours.

(12-13-2012 09:20 PM)el mechanico Wrote:  

" this is more of an emotional quandary "

That's girl speak. Stop playing around and straighten this out.

[el mechanico]

(12-13-2012 09:25 PM)Technics Wrote:  

El Mechanico,

Look at OP. "Emotional" is OP's own word to describe his dilemma.

And I don't know what you have against "quandary."

And I'm not playing around. I've already stated my view on the issue, right after yours.

(12-13-2012 09:20 PM)el mechanico Wrote:  

" this is more of an emotional quandary "

That's girl speak. Stop playing around and straighten this out.

I know the word is fine he just doesn't know what to do so I told him. That's the only thing that can make it right.

[Technics]

Ahh, maybe you didn't mean to quote me, if you were addressing him. I see what you meant now.

Agreed, only thing to do is man-up and straighten it out, as you say.