[damngringo]

Hi fellow men,

So I'm in LTR (inb4 beta ). It all started pretty well, but then I did some stuff that, as my partner puts it, "made me seem unreliable" etc. I was really doing my own thing disregarding her for a while (trying to live my life the way I saw fit). Now she claims she doesn't love me and doesn't want to be with me (I'm omitting a lot of details here that I would prefer to keep private).

My question is: does it really work this way? Is it pure hamsterbation, or she saw me as a beta provider, and doing my own stuff undermined my status (edit: beta status undermining is not that bad actually lol)? I have to confess that I experienced some bad career luck and it took me some time to stop commiserating myself and recover to my typical confidence / cockiness setup, did it seal the deal?

I know it's oneitis, but such are the current circumstances I find myself in. Advice is much appreciated, thanks!

[xsplat]

Can you try to give a clear question?

[damngringo]

Ok, I hope the situation is clear cut even though explained generally. When she says she doesn't love me, does she mean it, or is it some stupid hamster trick? Is it reversible?

[xsplat]

I don't remember a girl saying she doesn't love me anymore, so I'm not exactly speaking from experience, but I'd say she means it.

Can you change it? I doubt she'll give you the chance to.

Time to move on and do better next time.

And I doubt doing your own thing had anything to do with it. That's just a distraction. You looked to her for solace when times were tough. She's not your Mom. She's your charge. Treat her like a child. A parent doesn't ask for sympathy about his work troubles from his children.

Money and love are linked in women. Most men can't understand this, because our theory of mind is based on what we feel. But women aren't men with tits. They love a man who can provide security. Lose the job, lose the love.

Cruel, cold, hard, facts of love.

You can compensate in other ways, mostly the macho and erotic arts. Keeping her addicted to your dick. I've done it - kept girls around and doting when I had to go to my change jar to buy my daily booze. But being down about cash is a stress you'll have to compensate mightily for. Put in a good few solid hours of fucking per day.

[Therapsid]

You haven't provided enough information. If the problem is that you were neglecting her then you probably still have the upper hand, regardless of what she says. Her claim about not loving you could be the desperate gambit of a jealous woman. I actually have seen this happen. Call her bluff, break up with her now, and wish her the best. If this scenario is true, she'll be back and very quickly indeed.

But it's more likely based on what meager information you've provided that she really did lose attraction, in which case you should move on. And don't bother playing games to win her back like not answering her texts and calls for x number of weeks and being seen around town with other women. Once a girl flips the switch of non-attraction on a guy she dated, it's over in the overwhelming majority of cases.

Either way, the solution is the same: break up with the girl today and go hit up the bars tonight/text-blast every hot girl you know/go prowling on dating sites for a sloppy piece of action to get your mind off things.

[amity]

sounds like she is looking for a provider, and if she's aware that you have oneitis of sorts for her then she knows you have no other options and therefore she has hand
she probably does love you as a person but not as a confident secure man who has options, so she's not feeling the passion she would if you were showing more alpha characteristics
i've been in this situation before, the girl said outright to me "i know you're a really good person and all my friends say i would be crazy to let you go, but somehow i'm not so attracted to you as before"
around the same time, this girl called me "weak" when i was showing serioius oneitis towards her
i know it can be difficult but you have to try and get yourself out of this oneitis track, and don't put all your hopes on this one girl
do not bombard her with text messages and calls
give her some space and get on with doing other things, meeting other people, start hanging out (or seeing) with other women if possible, keep yourself busy, all this will help and hopefully you can take her off that pedastal

[damngringo]

Thanks for the advice. I'd say I fucked her well, and this faded much later then closeness in relationships, so she might indeed moved on. I'm constantly busy anyway & was often going out (which pissed her off greatly). And yeah, I didn't lose the job, I didn't get the job I wanted and settled for a gig I don't like (which pisses me off greatly lol) and blew up a lot of savings on my awesome self

Thing is, she doesn't want to get close (kissing, sex, even spending time together), but she spends of lot time with other guy (I fucking hate to admit this). He's way worse quality than me and like super-beta or even below, but she gets her validation & consolation there (apparently, no relationships there yet).

I feel like if I reduce my selfishness to 95% at least, this might work, because for month I've been really IDGAFing her badly, even though living together.

[Alpha]

Quote:

Thing is, she doesn't want to get close (kissing, sex, even spending time together), but she spends of lot time with other guy (I fucking hate to admit this). He's way worse quality than me and like super-beta or even below, but she gets her validation & consolation there (apparently, no relationships there yet).

I feel like if I reduce my selfishness to 95% at least, this might work, because for month I've been really IDGAFing here badly, even though living together.

You're pretty vague in your explanation. Its kind of hard to let you knwo what you did wrong, and if you can recover / how serious she is when we have no clue whats going on.

Also, I'm just going to guess

[Veloce]

I'm gonna field this one based on how I run my LTRs now. I run them the way I manage people at work. I make their lives a living hell.

With girls I'm completely selfish and, as you put it, IDGAFing all the time.

With employees I'm constantly berating them and grinding them into the ground, unless they perform up to my standards which they never do.

When a girl or employee is ready to walk, and you decide you want to keep them around, you need that one little gesture, that one little stupid thing to keep them from snapping. For a girl it could be some bullshit emotional reassurance or a romantic date. For an employee it could be a simple pat on the back or giving them a weekend off.

In this way the relationship becomes absolutely push-pull and you'll find many people get addicted to this dynamic. Very often I think in my head, "I can't believe I get away with this shit."

I'll tell employees "You're fucking worthless man. You're a waste of my time. You gonna get your fucking head out of your ass sometime tonight?"

Current LTR brings me food, cleans my place, does my laundry, lets me do whatever I want to her sexually, and I STILL tell her I'm not sure if I want to commit to her because I don't trust her or feel like she's LTR material. Truth is, she's the best gf I've ever had, but you never tell them that. I've had her walk out on me at least a half dozen times and you just feed them, "Hey, let's talk about this." Get em over to your place, get all sincere, put your hand on her knee and say, "I like you, I really do, it's just I've got a lot going on in my life right now. I enjoy spending time with you and want to keep exploring this thing we have." And then go right back to your selfish IDGAF ways.

You need to balance it out, everyone's different.

Some people you run 90% dick/10% nice. Some people you can grind them into the ground. Others are more delicate. Gotta feel it out.

[damngringo]

Not trolling and understand that vague, but cannot tell more. Thanks for the advice as well tho. I might have pushed too far for too long indeed :-)

[Tuthmosis]

This may not be trolling, but it has a scent of beta on it. I was tipped off by the use of "partner" for girlfriend. That sounds a little too vegan to me.

[xsplat]

Sounds like she's fucking the other guy too. Girls very often lose interest in their man when they start an affair.

Sounds like the only option is to break up with her. It's the only way to show any spine. You should have done that when the quantity of the sex declined anyway. There is a very slim chance she'll then decide to give you another chance.

Your only other hope is that the other guy tires of her and leaves her and you are her best option. But that's a huge long shot. Give her the boot and tell her she doesn't meet up to your standards.

[Wool Suit]

Massive beta undertones here, but, having been in your shoes before, you have two options. Eject immediately or frame reclamation. Any shit test, you put down brutally. Anytime she disrespects you, you let her know how disappointed you are. She keeps pulling stunts, you kick her to the curb.

Sounds like you lost the frame a long time ago. Better grab it back while you still can.

[damngringo]

Like I said, I did some beta shit and lost some frame, yeah, career-induced mostly. But that was for me not living as I wanted to, not "sweetie, I dissappointed you, so sorry!" lol. I've been selfish almost all of the time, maybe she expected me to turn full-time beta?

Definitely not picking her up if she strays farther, and i've told her that.

[Sphere]

I'm sorry, what's the question? Do you live with her? Why does this matter? Go run game and fuck some lizards. This situation will then resolve on it's own one way or another.

[damngringo]

Sphere, yes, I live with her, and it's pretty fucked up because of that lol. Ok, fuck that, I admit - we are married, and our relationship sucks lotsa cockas

We had a few fights since then, she threw some more disrespect at me, so ULTIMATE DICK MODE ON.

[Sphere]

(10-04-2012 05:02 AM)damngringo Wrote:  

Sphere, yes, I live with her, and it's pretty fucked up because of that lol. Ok, fuck that, I admit - we are married, and our relationship sucks lotsa cockas

We had a few fights since then, she threw some more disrespect at me, so ULTIMATE DICK MODE ON.

I knew there had to be more to this story.

You already have one foot out the door. Ask me how I know that.

Do you have kids? If not, begin divorce proceedings immediately. If you do... you know what to do. Just make sure you keep being a dad after it's over.

Life is too short for this shit. Seriously. What's the worst thing that could happen?

[damngringo]

No kids, thankfully. So yeah, gotta learn from it and move on. It's sad to realize that it failed, I hate losing. Of course, I still do have the upper hand here, but hell, I've put effort in this relationship.

Thanks for your advice

[Divorco]

damngringo Wrote:

she claims she doesn't love me and doesn't want to be with me.

Sorry to hear your problems. This is not a great forum to ask about marriages. Let us know if you find a decent relationship forum.

But GFAFB, she already told you she is done.

Quote:

she doesn't want to get close (kissing, sex, even spending time together), but she spends of lot time with other guy ... she gets her validation & consolation there (apparently, no relationships there yet).

I experienced some bad career luck and it took me some time to ... recover to my typical confidence / cockiness

Maybe she is just using the guy for a shoulder to cry on. But if she isn't already fucking him then she will fuck the first alpha available. You need to accept this so you can both move on. Find someone who lets you live life for yourself while still being with you.

Notice nobody is blaming your wife. You stopped being a beta provider, weren't successful and happy in your career, lost your mojo, and lived your life selfishly. It's no surprise she wants out.

[damngringo]

You're right, so I mostly asked about the dynamics of the hamster - people here know it full well

Don't understand the last part tho

But you broke it down succinctly, cheers!

Upd: I think what you said is true & I just didn't want to admit myself