[HiFlo]

I've been seeing this girl kinda steady for about 2 months (about twice a week - a booty call midweek then party on a weekend). I do like her, but I also feel she is a stepping stone. By that I mean I am pursuing other leads but it is my belief that just as you should never leave your job without another guaranteed job, you should never leave a girl without at least one other guaranteed girl. FWIW, I don't have another guaranteed girl at the moment (several flakes & a few prospectives).

Last Friday evening we got into a fight about our relationship. She wanted me to be her official 'boyfriend.' I said I don't like labels on our relationship, and I said that even if I were her boyfriend she hasn't been exhibiting real 'girlfriend' qualities. This was a repeat subject on something we've fought about before, but a bit more intense this time.

On Saturday she said it was a girls night out and then calls me to tell me they are going to New Orleans, a couple hour drive from me, but she wants to stop by to resolve the 'our relationship' talk from the night before. I say 'OK.' Later on she texts me, "Never mind. We are running late." I complain that it is fucking bullshit that she's putting a 30 min delay to her partying on Bourbon St before something as important as 'us.' (The friends she is going with are massive cockblocks BTW so it isn't a concern that she's going to fuck some random dude & FWIW they never even made it out of town - lol.).

I don't hear from her again, nor do I make contact with her again.

According to some of the other 'freeze out punishment' posts on this board, the girl usually starts trying to call and text apologies within a couple days. In my case, 4 days later she hasn't attempted to call or text me. She recently made some rather obvious 'attention-grabbing' posts on facebook which I suspect are trying to illicit a response from me or perhaps grab validation from some of her other friends.

As I mentioned above, I do like her, she's cute, and I don't particularly want to shed her just yet.

How do I play this? Keep waiting till she makes the first 2-3 moves? Give a restart call first? How long do I wait (been about 4 days now)? Forget her completely?

[Veloce]

What was the last exchange you had? You complaining that she's putting partying before your 'relationship'?

Sounds like you've been playing it right. Girls that don't exhibit girlfriend qualities need to be told so. Most girls are probably used to getting away with anything, and the majority of the time they'll be more attracted to a man that demands more from them, as long as it doesn't come off as needy.

Of course, you can also always play my favorite classic line, "I like having a girlfriend, I really do. I just like to take things slow to make sure we're compatible before taking that step." It's absolute bullshit but in the lingo girls have learned from being brainwashed by Cosmo and Sex in the City.

As for silent treatment, never give in. You need to translate her silence as shit testing you. Make no mistake about it, this is the line in the sand, and it's a matter of you, or her. The person who cares the least in any relationship has the most control, so you have to be willing to walk away, even if you don't want to.

[HiFlo]

(06-26-2012 11:47 PM)thedude3737 Wrote:  

What was the last exchange you had? You complaining that she's putting partying before your 'relationship'?

Yeah man, it was a combo of phone call and text where she said she wanted to discuss our 'relationship', but then she txtd 'Never Mind." I lost it and followed up with texting it was bullshit that she was putting being late to a stupid party before a convo about 'us' that she initiated.

[XXL]

ok so the chick said it out loud that she wants you exclusively and you told her she's not good enough for your GF. it insulted her deeper than you ever been in her. no wonder that now she's pissed and messing around with you, obviously provoking you to respond/qualify/apologize/etc to revalidate her.

in that situation i'd either ignore her completely for some time, go meet some other girls and contentrate on my life instead of one girl, just to see how she will react.. or i'd infuse her with some "drama drug" to make her head spin even more so that she could not stop thinking about me, positively and negatively (of course with no actual emotions involved on my part)

[WestIndianArchie]

You don't stress over a booty call.
In reality, you never stress over any chick.
You game other chicks.

Trying to "one up" her or get revenge is playing her game. A game that she's been playing longer and is much better than you at.

WIA

[vinman]

"Be the frisbee".
Tao Of Steve

[Guacamole]

(06-26-2012 11:16 PM)HiFlo Wrote:  

Later on she texts me, "Never mind. We are running late." I complain that it is fucking bullshit that she's putting a 30 min delay to her partying on Bourbon St before something as important as 'us.'

(06-26-2012 11:16 PM)HiFlo Wrote:  

 I do like her, but I also feel she is a stepping stone.

(06-26-2012 11:16 PM)HiFlo Wrote:  

she hasn't been exhibiting real 'girlfriend' qualities.

I think it was a mistake to make a big deal about her cancelling that relationship talk. It sounds like she might have even planned that shit. She's upset that you wouldn't agree to be her boyfriend, and is trying to regain the upper hand. You played into her frame by getting upset about her cancelling the relationship talk to go party (and presumably get hit on by other guys). She wanted you to get upset, and you did. You know "us" isn't important with this stepping stone, so don't fool yourself. Why would you ever want a relationship talk with someone you only see as a slam piece? If you were going to keep her in check, don't "complain" about not doing the thing she suggested, scold her for making plans and breaking them.

How do you play this? Most importantly, work on finding your next girl. You aren't interested in her long term, so you need someone else or you will be settling. When your current girl senses that she can't monopolize your time anymore, she will be much more compliant and won't pull shit like this as much, because she knows she has to work to keep you.

(06-26-2012 11:16 PM)HiFlo Wrote:  

According to some of the other 'freeze out punishment' posts on this board, the girl usually starts trying to call and text apologies within a couple days.

I don't think this is going to happen in this situation. She set up that whole exchange to elicit anger from you, and it worked. I think you are going to have to make the first move. Your best bet in this case is to blow it off and act like nothing happened. You were hanging out twice a week, so it's probably safe to go ahead and call/text her like normal and just set up a meet-up.

[Divorco]

(06-26-2012 11:16 PM)HiFlo Wrote:  

On Saturday she said it was a girls night out and then calls me to tell me they are going to New Orleans, a couple hour drive from me, but she wants to stop by to resolve the 'our relationship' talk from the night before. ... (The friends she is going with are massive cockblocks BTW so it isn't a concern that she's going to fuck some random dude & FWIW they never even made it out of town - lol.).

Is it just me, or was she trying to concoct some excuse to cheat on you in New Orleans? If so, you are absolutely right that she is not girlfriend material. She is using you as a stepping stone too. No great loss on either side.

[finton_the_toole]

You're massive mistake was getting angry at her cancelling the relationship talk. You walked straight into her frame.

It's no wonder why she hasn't contacted you after 4 days.

I agree with the above advice about not giving into the silent treatment. If you do you're toast. Instead, go out and have fun. Plenty of girls out there.

[HiFlo]

(06-27-2012 10:56 AM)finton_the_toole Wrote:  

You're massive mistake was getting angry at her cancelling the relationship talk. You walked straight into her frame.

It's no wonder why she hasn't contacted you after 4 days.

Why do you think this was a mistake? I felt (and still feel) that it was a legitimate reason to get angry - by that I mean there are a lot of shit tests that shouldn't phase you by illiciting anger, but there are certain instances where getting angry shows that you actually care...but you don't think this was the right situation for this?

[Kitsune]

It has been said a lot already, but bears repeating. Don't give in.

Silence is all about controlling the frame. You can't lose the frame, otherwise you lose the girl.

In the meantime, find other girls.

[finton_the_toole]

(06-27-2012 11:48 AM)HiFlo Wrote:  

(06-27-2012 10:56 AM)finton_the_toole Wrote:  

You're massive mistake was getting angry at her cancelling the relationship talk. You walked straight into her frame.

It's no wonder why she hasn't contacted you after 4 days.

Why do you think this was a mistake? I felt (and still feel) that it was a legitimate reason to get angry - by that I mean there are a lot of shit tests that shouldn't phase you by illiciting anger, but there are certain instances where getting angry shows that you actually care...but you don't think this was the right situation for this?

It was a mistake as I, and everyone else who has commented has said, you've walked straight into her frame. You gave her the power now she's lapping it up.

A shit-test should never elicit anger from you. Ever. If you're angry you lose. You lost.

Sure getting angry shows you care. It shows you care way too much. It shows you've failed her shit test.

The correct pose is 'masterful aloofness'.

And here's another lesson. Sure, you may be angry inside. Sure you may be churning, but you're a man. Men control their emotions and set the frame. That's what you've got to do. Always.

[WesternCancer]

Good analysis by Guacamole.

On one hand you started your silent treatment because she was showing unacceptable behavior. (Partying instead of having a 'relationship talk'). This is most always a good move when unacceptable behavior is encountered. BUT because of the nature of the unacceptable behavior she has the upper hand. You are showing interest in her as a BF by not responding, but if you do respond you are also playing into her 'frame' and chasing her. Its like a game catch 22.

What I would do:
- I'd wait until a day you would normally be having a date and just as you'd normally be leaving/confirming plans either send a Non-Sequitur text or a confirmation text. "great see you then" "ill bring the vodka" "how about 9?" etc.

This is sure to get her hamster spinning, she shouldn't be able to tell if you meant to text one of your buddies or another girl. She doesn't know if you're going on a date or meeting a platonic friend. It also isn't obviously an attempt to be jealous/angry. For example "yeah sandy, i'll meet you there by the way you give the best BJs your pussy rox!!1" or "(your girls name) has a weird ass, one side jiggles more than the other when im hitting it from behind. crazy stuff dude" You also don't seem needy because you aren't sending a normal restart text or bringing up the argument again.

[Veloce]

I'm actually with HiFlo on this one. There are instances where it is necessary to show anger towards a woman because of her adverse or childlike behavior. But the anger has to be expressed correctly. I go for cutthroat honesty. If it were me in this situation, I'd call and leave her a voicemail along the lines of,

"Hi, I think it's pretty fucking childish that you schedule some time for us to discuss our potential relationship, and then blow it off so you can go party. I don't have the time or inclination for these games. If you have the ability to act like an adult then by all means, hit me up."

With all women it is crucial to take the authoritative tone and not the whiny tone. You are essentially telling her, "THIS IS THE WAY IT IS, SO I HAVE SPOKEN." Once you establish that she is indeed acting childish, there is a strong chance that she will take this as a challenge and her chance to prove otherwise. If it comes off as needy, you're toast.

Again, when it comes to potential relationships with women, it's important to get angry now and then, as long as it's over things that really matter, and you're able to do so in an authoritative, almost fatherly like manner. You will often hear women complain about ex-bfs, "Yeah, he was a great guy, but he never called me on my shit." Women can be completely aware that they are shit testing but they do it anyway, and they are looking to you for the proper response. They WANT to be put in their place. At the same time, you should follow the advice above and completely detach yourself from her and start looking to greener pastures. If she wants to fight for your attention, it's certainly within her right to do so.

[-g-]

I mean u can be her bf and see other girls just don't let her know. But place a condition on it like Saturday or whatever day is our night (guaranteed booty call) and Friday is with ur friends meaning other women. Right now the best way to play it is just ignore her, she will come back and is testing you esp since she said she's going to new Orleans ie she's trying to make u think she's gonna be with other dudes or at least implying it. She just asked u to be her bf, u got it on lock

[HiFlo]

Just to give an update on this situation.

I played it off like I forgot about the whole situation.

Last Thurs I called her around 10PM. I said, "whatsup, wanna hang out?" She starts to go, "well, i dont know..." so I invite myself over in 30 minutes.

She's surprised that I seem unphased by the previous weekends 'relationship seriousness talking' and that sort of aloofness got her hamster spinning a bit.

Later on while we're banging she goes, "I promised myself I wouldn't do this with you tonight." LOL!

This thread was important for me to not really give a shit about talking about a relationship in any but the most superficial manner.

[Kitsune]

Good job HiFlo.

[DVY]

@Hi-Flo I had a similar situation w/a f-buddy who I had been seeing.

She said the EXACT SAME THING----"I wasn't thinking about having sex with you "tonight"".

Long story short, she dropped herself a few rungs down the rotation ladder (From 1/week to about 1/month)

Whats your story?

[Anon-A-Moose]

snip missed the update.

Yup, I'd normally do like DVY, though this girl seems like she'd just lose interest.

[Parlay44]

Just lie and let her call you whatever she wants. If anything the sex will get better.
Do what you gotta do on the side. Game on