Update 12/5 (and maybe the final post on this thread):
Well guys, I'm happy to report that my love/sex life has finally begun. The situation I was in when I wrote the previous updates no longer exists.
I am now fully confident in my ability to attract women, and to get physical with them.
This is due to three big factors:
-a girlfriend
-Thailand
-being pursued and lavished (and offered sex) by a hot rich chick, and debating the very awesome dilemma of what to do when two chicks are into you at the same time
Lets start with part 1
Part 1: The Girlfriend
Just a few days after posting my semi-suicidal, quasi-religiously-themed previous update, I met a girl who now considers herself my girlfriend.
I was browsing a corner store in a nearby village, looking at a random assortment of indigenous carvings, Buddha-figurines, vintage copies of the "little red book", and other random artifacts that looked as though they had survived the cultural revolution buried in someone's backyard, when I noticed some very sexy looking beercap openers, carved into the shape of scantily clad women. Seeing how cheap they were, I began envisioning a business plan if importing them to the US in bulk, and selling them there.
When I tried to ask the shopkeeper if she could get me 100 of them, I ran into communication difficulties. Luckily there was a Chinese girl in the shop who spoke English, overheard our (attempt at a) conversation, and offered to translate.
Although the business idea fizzled out, the translator chick began talking to me and asking me questions about myself. It turned out that we both liked to go hiking on the same forest path, and so we set up an insta-date - and headed for the hills.
On the way she dropped the C-bomb: she's a Christian. And she likes going to the woods to pray, so that no one can hear her. "Ok", I thought. No harm in that... I hung out with mormons all summer - I can handle it.
But what I was in for really stretched my comfort zone... in more ways than one.
On the one hand, she immediately started touching me, and when I reciprocated, she was totally cool with it. Within an hour, we were cuddling on the hillside, her head resting on my chest. It was the most sustained physical contact I had had with a girl in... in... hmmm... a long long time, and was more than I was used to.
And the other reason why it took me out of my comfort zone is because while she was laying on top of me, she was staring up at the sky, shouting, tears streaming down her face, and talking in a language that at first seemed like Chinese, but actually turned out to be "tongues".
Ooooooo...... kkkkkkkkk.........
Apparently it was no special occasion - she does it almost every day.
This presented me with the dilemma of pretending to think she's totally sane, in order to keep hanging out with her. I've also had to endure getting the bible read to me, listening to her shout verses in the bathroom for up to 45 minutes at a time (in Mandarin, Cantonese, and glossolalia-ese) and having to put on the act like I think her religion makes sense.
Yet my patience was rewarded, and I got myself my first girlfriend.
She followed me around, took care of me, and gave me the chance to get comfortable being in close proximity with a girl for extended periods of time, with repeated and often sustained touch, without the pressure of having to be a dancing monkey to retain interest. I got over my fear of comfort-oriented, "PG" rated touch.
And then... I went to Thailand.
Part 2: Thailand (and Laos)
Being on a visa that only allows 60-day periods, I had to do a "run" to a neighboring country by Oct 29 at the latest. I picked Thailand, and took the highly scenic, overland route that passes through northern Laos.
Laos has perhaps the least modernized, most pristine, "primitive" hill tribe cultures in the world, outside of Africa, Papua, and the Amazon. Despite only intending to pass through for one day, I ended up staying for a week, cutting my time in Thailand by half. I just had to - the hill tribes are so fascinating - they're so normal. I observed that the farther you travel out of town, and the less modern infrastructure you have, the happier the people look. When you get to the villages that are off of the road grid, and only accessible by foot, the people are just constantly smiling. The people washing their clothes in the river have more light shining in their eyes than the 'fortunate' people who have washing machines. The people with no TVs or radios spend their evenings talking and laughing with eachother throughout the village - and you can hear them from a long ways off. One evening, I perched myself on a hilltop overlooking a village, and just listened to the distant ambience of laughter, the normal evening sounds of people not chained down by television.
The modern cultural narrative that we are better off than our grass-hut-dwelling ancestors, I had always doubted. But after Laos, I feel ready to abandon it completely. From what I can tell, all of the labors of the Greeks, Romans, and everyone after them, has been for nought. The world is worse off because of our heroic accomplishments and genius inventions. How can we claim to "benefit" from anything invented over the last 5,000 years, if the hill tribes are happy while they don't even have the fuckin wheel?
Ok now that I've pissed off all of my readers and shown that I really am a troll after all, lets continue to the pivotal event:
..my menage-a-Thai.
I spent a week in Thailand, and I didn't take advantage of the 'massage' industry until the final night.
To make a long story short, I had a kind of threesome with one girl handjobbing me while I made out with the other. Having two girls in bed with me, both of them hot, and actually making it all the way to orgasm like this... did something. Something inside of me clicked.
From that moment on, I felt like a sexual being again. The memory of a gratifying orgasm is now stored in my neural wiring. Now I can refer back to this experience, whenever my dopamine system needs convincing that there does in fact exist in the world something called "reward".
It's also made me more confident. It's not so big of a deal to touch a girl now. I feel like I can do it, and it's not such a big deal.
And it's this new confidence that I believe has led me to part 3...
Part 3: Being propositioned by a rich hottie
To make a long story short, after I came back from Thailand (Nov15), the school gave me a new student for one-on-one lessons.
Within a week, she cancelled her classes, called me up, met me at an upscale restaurant, bought me lunch, and handed me an envelope with hundreds of dollars in it. "2000 yuan for 20 classes", she said. Ok. Wow. How can I say no to that?
This chick is pretty darn hot, in that petite little Chinese sorta way, very wealthy (she bought me a $100 jacket like it was pocket change), and lives with a ex-husband that she divorced but keeps around as an employee of her business and to raise their daughter.
She put me in the driver's seat of her SUV and told me to drive anywhere I want, thus commencing my first time behind the wheel of a four-wheeled vehicle in a foreign
country. We went to an interesting local indigenous cultural site at the foot of the mountain that's in the pictures I posted earlier in this thread.
After two days of making me her English-teacher-cum-driver, and "wining and dining" me at fancy restaurants, the subject of massage came up. I told her I'm good at massage, and gave her a sample. She liked the sample, and offered to get a room in a 5-star hotel so I can give her a full body one!
Read that last sentence again.
I wasn't sure what to do.
So she made it even clearer: she said "we can get a room and have sex."
She explicitly said it.
But I wasn't sure.
Why? Because I have a girlfriend! Well, a girl who calls herself my girlfriend. I don't know if I actually want to stay with her. (See why below)
And so began the most awesome problem I had ever had thus far in my life.
I don't know what to do. This is uncharted waters for me. But I won't bug you for advice. This is my thing to figure out. At least I'm in the game now. I might be a rookie, but at least I have access to the practice field.
Ok well if you feel like you have something to say, if you're really keeping up with my saga, here's some more info:
My girlfriend (lets call her Christian Girl) and I really don't match. She believes in judeo-christianism, which is a ridiculous belief system. It wouldn't be so bad if she wasn't so rigid about it - but she's absolutely close-minded. She won't even consider any ideas that aren't in the bible. She thinks yoga is evil! And buddhism too! And when I try to explain that they're not evil - and that if jesus and buddha were in the same room they'd probably be friends -she shuts down the conversation and tells me I'm "attacking her" and that she's a "delicate flower" and that she wants me to only "protect" her, not "attack" her.
Powerful mind games, I think.
Oh, and she's asked me to marry her!! On several occasions.
She said "god" gave her a vision, ten years ago, of who her husband would be - and that I match the description.
I've tried to tell her that i dont agree with all of her belief system. I even told her that I need to experience sexuality, and that if she's unwilling to address that part of me, (she's not willing to let even one drop of sexuality enter our space, and insists that her spiritual/emotional love should be enough, and that i would realize this if i "came to god"), I would have to seek it with someone else.
This really set her off. She threatened to never speak to me again, "forever and ever", unless I promised to have "only one girlfriend".
Meanwhile, or rather the day before this happened, was when the other girl (lets call her Rich Girl) propositioned me for sex. Since I hadn't had the "conversation" with Christian Girl yet, I decided not to go all the way with Rich Girl - instead I decided to compromise, and still explore a little bit - so I pulled over and we made out in her backseat. During this experience I felt really crappy inside, because I supposedly had a girlfriend. I didn't enjoy it. I don't really know what the term "girlfriend" even means, but Christian Girl definitely considered herself to have exclusive rights over me at that point. As I found out later when she threatened to never speak to me again.
While I was deciding whether to make this promise to her, I got a text from Rich Girl...
... saying basically that since I'm a virgin, and I don't know what I'm doing, she doesn't think it's a good idea to have sex with me.
Wtf?
So I was like, ok, maybe I should stick with Christian girl for now.
But after all this happened, (it happened about 3 weeks ago, November 22/23rd-ish) I regret not going all the way with Rich Girl. I think I should have just accepted her offer, gone to the hotel with her, and fucked. One time woulda been enough - instead I pussyfooted and "compromised" with a stupid backseat makeout like a fucking highschooler.
I'm growing to resent Christian Girl for causing me to miss this opportunity. I'm getting less and less patient with her. It's a fucking three-way relationship: me, and her, and a 2000-year-old zombie. If she can have jesus as her "husband" with me also as her husband, then why can't I have two wives?
It seems that would only be fair.
I think my time of exploring christianity is coming to a close. If you recall from the original post, I joined the mormon church last summer, mostly out of hatred for my family and feminists. But I was kiiiiiinda into it. I was like ok, as long as I'm hanging out with them, I'll give their jesus a chance.
But not now. Now I've seen firsthand how Christianity represses people and prevents them from having sex. I didn't have sex with EITHER girl. Not with the rich one because of the christian one, and not with that one because of her religion prohibiting it.
Anyway, marrying her is out of the question. I cant marry someone who thinks everything is evil if not contained within one book. "Open-minded" has always been on my list of qualities I need in a mate.
Open minded - willing to consider new ideas even if they conflict with present ideas
An open communicator - willing to listen to me speak my truth, even if she doesnt agree with it, and always willing to have a conversation, rather than letting things boil in silence
She does NOT meet those criteria.
But she's super devoted, and would probably make a great wife for whoever winds up with her. She's an almost perfect match for what the people on ROK consider good wife material.
I can't help but wonder, am I throwing something away?
But then again, ALL of my friends warn me that it would be madness to commit to her; at the very least, it would be insane to do so right now.
In any case, it was the happy-ending Thai massage that turned me from a bitter person into an optimistic person - the christian girlfriend just made the sexlessness a little more bearable, but it was the Thai chick who HEALED me.
So I'm taking this to mean that what I need is SEXUAL and SENSUAL, much more so than spiritual, and that even if jesus himself were to descend out of the clouds and tell me "I love you child", it wouldn't help, because it's not what I need. I need sexuality and sensuality.
And since Christian Girl is not willing to address those needs (unless I sign away the rest of my life to her), I've decided that I'm going to LJBF her.
Some of the more conservative ROK'ers will probably call me an idiot, but oh well.
I love her, as a friend. And I'm thankful for her affection, and for giving me the chance to "warm up" on physically touching girls before the key moment in Thailand, and for keeping me company until that time arrived.
But I can't ditch opportunities because of her. She doesn't own me.
And I think she just wants to convert me anyway. Thats why she chose to be my girlfriend - to convince me to join her in jesusland. Which is actually kind of ironic, cause it means that jesus is at least partly responsible for getting me my first girlfriend. Lol. Oh well, he shouldn't have told her not to fuck.
Well guys, I'm happy to report that my love/sex life has finally begun. The situation I was in when I wrote the previous updates no longer exists.
I am now fully confident in my ability to attract women, and to get physical with them.
This is due to three big factors:
-a girlfriend
-Thailand
-being pursued and lavished (and offered sex) by a hot rich chick, and debating the very awesome dilemma of what to do when two chicks are into you at the same time
Lets start with part 1
Part 1: The Girlfriend
Just a few days after posting my semi-suicidal, quasi-religiously-themed previous update, I met a girl who now considers herself my girlfriend.
I was browsing a corner store in a nearby village, looking at a random assortment of indigenous carvings, Buddha-figurines, vintage copies of the "little red book", and other random artifacts that looked as though they had survived the cultural revolution buried in someone's backyard, when I noticed some very sexy looking beercap openers, carved into the shape of scantily clad women. Seeing how cheap they were, I began envisioning a business plan if importing them to the US in bulk, and selling them there.
When I tried to ask the shopkeeper if she could get me 100 of them, I ran into communication difficulties. Luckily there was a Chinese girl in the shop who spoke English, overheard our (attempt at a) conversation, and offered to translate.
Although the business idea fizzled out, the translator chick began talking to me and asking me questions about myself. It turned out that we both liked to go hiking on the same forest path, and so we set up an insta-date - and headed for the hills.
On the way she dropped the C-bomb: she's a Christian. And she likes going to the woods to pray, so that no one can hear her. "Ok", I thought. No harm in that... I hung out with mormons all summer - I can handle it.
But what I was in for really stretched my comfort zone... in more ways than one.
On the one hand, she immediately started touching me, and when I reciprocated, she was totally cool with it. Within an hour, we were cuddling on the hillside, her head resting on my chest. It was the most sustained physical contact I had had with a girl in... in... hmmm... a long long time, and was more than I was used to.
And the other reason why it took me out of my comfort zone is because while she was laying on top of me, she was staring up at the sky, shouting, tears streaming down her face, and talking in a language that at first seemed like Chinese, but actually turned out to be "tongues".
Ooooooo...... kkkkkkkkk.........
Apparently it was no special occasion - she does it almost every day.
This presented me with the dilemma of pretending to think she's totally sane, in order to keep hanging out with her. I've also had to endure getting the bible read to me, listening to her shout verses in the bathroom for up to 45 minutes at a time (in Mandarin, Cantonese, and glossolalia-ese) and having to put on the act like I think her religion makes sense.
Yet my patience was rewarded, and I got myself my first girlfriend.
She followed me around, took care of me, and gave me the chance to get comfortable being in close proximity with a girl for extended periods of time, with repeated and often sustained touch, without the pressure of having to be a dancing monkey to retain interest. I got over my fear of comfort-oriented, "PG" rated touch.
And then... I went to Thailand.
Part 2: Thailand (and Laos)
Being on a visa that only allows 60-day periods, I had to do a "run" to a neighboring country by Oct 29 at the latest. I picked Thailand, and took the highly scenic, overland route that passes through northern Laos.
Laos has perhaps the least modernized, most pristine, "primitive" hill tribe cultures in the world, outside of Africa, Papua, and the Amazon. Despite only intending to pass through for one day, I ended up staying for a week, cutting my time in Thailand by half. I just had to - the hill tribes are so fascinating - they're so normal. I observed that the farther you travel out of town, and the less modern infrastructure you have, the happier the people look. When you get to the villages that are off of the road grid, and only accessible by foot, the people are just constantly smiling. The people washing their clothes in the river have more light shining in their eyes than the 'fortunate' people who have washing machines. The people with no TVs or radios spend their evenings talking and laughing with eachother throughout the village - and you can hear them from a long ways off. One evening, I perched myself on a hilltop overlooking a village, and just listened to the distant ambience of laughter, the normal evening sounds of people not chained down by television.
The modern cultural narrative that we are better off than our grass-hut-dwelling ancestors, I had always doubted. But after Laos, I feel ready to abandon it completely. From what I can tell, all of the labors of the Greeks, Romans, and everyone after them, has been for nought. The world is worse off because of our heroic accomplishments and genius inventions. How can we claim to "benefit" from anything invented over the last 5,000 years, if the hill tribes are happy while they don't even have the fuckin wheel?
Ok now that I've pissed off all of my readers and shown that I really am a troll after all, lets continue to the pivotal event:
..my menage-a-Thai.
I spent a week in Thailand, and I didn't take advantage of the 'massage' industry until the final night.
To make a long story short, I had a kind of threesome with one girl handjobbing me while I made out with the other. Having two girls in bed with me, both of them hot, and actually making it all the way to orgasm like this... did something. Something inside of me clicked.
From that moment on, I felt like a sexual being again. The memory of a gratifying orgasm is now stored in my neural wiring. Now I can refer back to this experience, whenever my dopamine system needs convincing that there does in fact exist in the world something called "reward".
It's also made me more confident. It's not so big of a deal to touch a girl now. I feel like I can do it, and it's not such a big deal.
And it's this new confidence that I believe has led me to part 3...
Part 3: Being propositioned by a rich hottie
To make a long story short, after I came back from Thailand (Nov15), the school gave me a new student for one-on-one lessons.
Within a week, she cancelled her classes, called me up, met me at an upscale restaurant, bought me lunch, and handed me an envelope with hundreds of dollars in it. "2000 yuan for 20 classes", she said. Ok. Wow. How can I say no to that?
This chick is pretty darn hot, in that petite little Chinese sorta way, very wealthy (she bought me a $100 jacket like it was pocket change), and lives with a ex-husband that she divorced but keeps around as an employee of her business and to raise their daughter.
She put me in the driver's seat of her SUV and told me to drive anywhere I want, thus commencing my first time behind the wheel of a four-wheeled vehicle in a foreign
country. We went to an interesting local indigenous cultural site at the foot of the mountain that's in the pictures I posted earlier in this thread.
After two days of making me her English-teacher-cum-driver, and "wining and dining" me at fancy restaurants, the subject of massage came up. I told her I'm good at massage, and gave her a sample. She liked the sample, and offered to get a room in a 5-star hotel so I can give her a full body one!
Read that last sentence again.
I wasn't sure what to do.
So she made it even clearer: she said "we can get a room and have sex."
She explicitly said it.
But I wasn't sure.
Why? Because I have a girlfriend! Well, a girl who calls herself my girlfriend. I don't know if I actually want to stay with her. (See why below)
And so began the most awesome problem I had ever had thus far in my life.
I don't know what to do. This is uncharted waters for me. But I won't bug you for advice. This is my thing to figure out. At least I'm in the game now. I might be a rookie, but at least I have access to the practice field.
Ok well if you feel like you have something to say, if you're really keeping up with my saga, here's some more info:
My girlfriend (lets call her Christian Girl) and I really don't match. She believes in judeo-christianism, which is a ridiculous belief system. It wouldn't be so bad if she wasn't so rigid about it - but she's absolutely close-minded. She won't even consider any ideas that aren't in the bible. She thinks yoga is evil! And buddhism too! And when I try to explain that they're not evil - and that if jesus and buddha were in the same room they'd probably be friends -she shuts down the conversation and tells me I'm "attacking her" and that she's a "delicate flower" and that she wants me to only "protect" her, not "attack" her.
Powerful mind games, I think.
Oh, and she's asked me to marry her!! On several occasions.
She said "god" gave her a vision, ten years ago, of who her husband would be - and that I match the description.
I've tried to tell her that i dont agree with all of her belief system. I even told her that I need to experience sexuality, and that if she's unwilling to address that part of me, (she's not willing to let even one drop of sexuality enter our space, and insists that her spiritual/emotional love should be enough, and that i would realize this if i "came to god"), I would have to seek it with someone else.
This really set her off. She threatened to never speak to me again, "forever and ever", unless I promised to have "only one girlfriend".
Meanwhile, or rather the day before this happened, was when the other girl (lets call her Rich Girl) propositioned me for sex. Since I hadn't had the "conversation" with Christian Girl yet, I decided not to go all the way with Rich Girl - instead I decided to compromise, and still explore a little bit - so I pulled over and we made out in her backseat. During this experience I felt really crappy inside, because I supposedly had a girlfriend. I didn't enjoy it. I don't really know what the term "girlfriend" even means, but Christian Girl definitely considered herself to have exclusive rights over me at that point. As I found out later when she threatened to never speak to me again.
While I was deciding whether to make this promise to her, I got a text from Rich Girl...
... saying basically that since I'm a virgin, and I don't know what I'm doing, she doesn't think it's a good idea to have sex with me.
Wtf?
So I was like, ok, maybe I should stick with Christian girl for now.
But after all this happened, (it happened about 3 weeks ago, November 22/23rd-ish) I regret not going all the way with Rich Girl. I think I should have just accepted her offer, gone to the hotel with her, and fucked. One time woulda been enough - instead I pussyfooted and "compromised" with a stupid backseat makeout like a fucking highschooler.
I'm growing to resent Christian Girl for causing me to miss this opportunity. I'm getting less and less patient with her. It's a fucking three-way relationship: me, and her, and a 2000-year-old zombie. If she can have jesus as her "husband" with me also as her husband, then why can't I have two wives?
It seems that would only be fair.
I think my time of exploring christianity is coming to a close. If you recall from the original post, I joined the mormon church last summer, mostly out of hatred for my family and feminists. But I was kiiiiiinda into it. I was like ok, as long as I'm hanging out with them, I'll give their jesus a chance.
But not now. Now I've seen firsthand how Christianity represses people and prevents them from having sex. I didn't have sex with EITHER girl. Not with the rich one because of the christian one, and not with that one because of her religion prohibiting it.
Anyway, marrying her is out of the question. I cant marry someone who thinks everything is evil if not contained within one book. "Open-minded" has always been on my list of qualities I need in a mate.
Open minded - willing to consider new ideas even if they conflict with present ideas
An open communicator - willing to listen to me speak my truth, even if she doesnt agree with it, and always willing to have a conversation, rather than letting things boil in silence
She does NOT meet those criteria.
But she's super devoted, and would probably make a great wife for whoever winds up with her. She's an almost perfect match for what the people on ROK consider good wife material.
I can't help but wonder, am I throwing something away?
But then again, ALL of my friends warn me that it would be madness to commit to her; at the very least, it would be insane to do so right now.
In any case, it was the happy-ending Thai massage that turned me from a bitter person into an optimistic person - the christian girlfriend just made the sexlessness a little more bearable, but it was the Thai chick who HEALED me.
So I'm taking this to mean that what I need is SEXUAL and SENSUAL, much more so than spiritual, and that even if jesus himself were to descend out of the clouds and tell me "I love you child", it wouldn't help, because it's not what I need. I need sexuality and sensuality.
And since Christian Girl is not willing to address those needs (unless I sign away the rest of my life to her), I've decided that I'm going to LJBF her.
Some of the more conservative ROK'ers will probably call me an idiot, but oh well.
I love her, as a friend. And I'm thankful for her affection, and for giving me the chance to "warm up" on physically touching girls before the key moment in Thailand, and for keeping me company until that time arrived.
But I can't ditch opportunities because of her. She doesn't own me.
And I think she just wants to convert me anyway. Thats why she chose to be my girlfriend - to convince me to join her in jesusland. Which is actually kind of ironic, cause it means that jesus is at least partly responsible for getting me my first girlfriend. Lol. Oh well, he shouldn't have told her not to fuck.