I read this article recently on the following blog: http://sunshinemaryandthedragon.wordpres...ve-mating/
It´s a succint view at the effects of feminism in the relationship dynamics.
This is, of course, old news for RVF members, but it should be still be of interest, since it was written by a woman:
Women’s arrogance and the downfall of assortive mating.
Let us begin with a bit of background, since I have a wide readership that is not necessarily familiar with the idea of assortive mating and how we got to the point we are at today with marriage and divorce.
Assortive mating means that like marries like. Beautiful, talented people tend to marry other beautiful, talented people. Average people tend to marry other average people. Homely people or less intelligent people or people with serious problems tend to marry other such people.
Or it used to be that way anyhow, pre-feminism and the sexual revolution.
There is one theory which says that part of the motivation for feminism was that unattractive women wanted access to more attractive men; feminism allowed them to have this temporarily in the form of one-night stands and short-term relationships. The result of this has been that many young women have spent a significant portion of their youth “punching above their weight” in the sexual market place, which has given them a false sense of their own attractiveness as a mate, which they then attempt to carry over into the marriage market place. In short, they have become arrogant.
The result of this is that women, including Christian women, have become unwilling to marry until they are much older and have had more than a few sexual partners. This decreases their value in the marriage market; they have difficulty bonding to their husbands, and they make it more difficult for their husbands to bond to them because they are older and hardened from having already slept with other men. Their attraction cues to men are skewed because they perceive themselves as being of higher market value than they really are, and they become resentful that the men they seem to be able to attract for marriage are less attractive than what they think they deserve.
On a previous thread, Farm Boy wondered why people believe that so many of the other gender are unmarriagable.
Modern women find men unmarriageable for several reasons:
1. Due to their modern arrogance, they don’t find the men who are truly their assortive mating equivalents attractive now.
2. Many modern men are less attractive as husbands because, perceiving that they may not ever be able to marry a decent woman in our modern femininistic society, the men have lost the motivation to strive to do those things which make them attractive to women (improving their looks, athleticism, money, power, and status).
3. Feminism has given women a false sense of equality with men, making women believe that they don’t really need a husband; women don’t feel pressure to marry or stay married to less attractive men.
Men find many women unmarriageable because
1. Men are attracted to youth, but many modern women don’t seriously consider marriage until they are older.
2. Many women are less physically attractive (due to factors such as obesity, tattooing, unfeminine dress and so on)
3. Most modern women have been sexually promiscuous. Even Christian women often have slept with more than one man. Men are sexually attracted to sluts but find them less appealing for marriage.
4. Modern women lack humility and gratitude.
But assortive mating is still the way to go because it provides the greatest number of people with mates. Here is the story of a couple in my church who got the assortive mating thing right. If you would like to watch them tell their moving story in their own words, follow this link to my church’s website, click on the video and scroll to the 33:52 minute mark:
http://northridgechurch.com/talks/origins/a-savior/
The man is a recovered drug addict (thanks be to God); physically he is short, he has lost all his teeth due to his addiction, and he has lost his career. While he was in a Christian rehabilitation program, he met a woman who was also a recovering drug addict; physically she has a pretty face but she is very obese. By the power of Christ and their obedience to Him, they are in recovery from their addictions; they are also married to one another now. This is the perfect example of assortive mating: two people who have been realistic about their own value in the sexual and marriage market places have been able to find love and companionship by being honest with themselves. So long as the woman maintains her sense of gratitude and is realistic about the fact that her husband represents the best quality man she is able to attract, they should be able to have a lifelong marriage instead of living in loneliness and celibacy for the rest of their lives.
Unfortunately, after second-wave feminism and the relentless building up of girls’ self-esteem beyond all rationality, and in fact beyond all reality, most women are simply too arrogant to admit that the men a woman attracts who are willing to offer her marriage are in fact an accurate reflection of her own value in the marriage market place.
Admitting that would be extremely humbling for most women but would free them to experience peace about accepting the men who pursue them for marriage, as well as allow them to have gratitude for the presence of the man they eventually marry. A woman who feels extremely grateful for her man and understands that she is unlikely to attract a better one is highly unlikely to frivorce him.
Humility and gratitude are critical for women to have in order to marry and be contented in marriage, but both those traits are nearly absent in modern women.
When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with the humble is wisdom. Proverbs 11:2
Update 1: Donal Graeme left a wonderfully instructive comment in the thread that I want all ladies to read:
I wanted to speak up about gratitude.
From my perspective, gratitude is one of the most valuable attributes that a woman can posses. While it doesn’t affect her attractiveness, it does impact her desirability more than nearly anything else. A woman who is grateful to her man is a powerful thing, I always envy a man who can know what that feels like.
It is this sense of gratitude which makes me so fond of some of the ladies around here. Elspeth especially carries a constant aura about her of gratitude towards her husband. We like to talk around these parts about how much Respect means to a man… well, gratitude is perhaps the biggest sign of respect out there.
Sadly, it is one of the things most missing these days, and I see no indication that it is making a comeback. Which makes those few women (especially the unmarried and virtuous ones) so valuable.
His comment inspired me to declare:
Let it henceforth be known that any woman who wishes to express gratitude for something wonderful about her husband may do so freely here. It’s good for the lurking herd to read that kind of thing. You will not be accused of bragging. Our husbands saved us from lives as childless spinsters, a fate that seems like it would very hard to bear. We owe them a lot. Let us resolve to behave accordingly.
Update 2: Elspeth at Loving in the Ruins has an outstanding post, Transforming my mind as a Christian wife., on the importance of looking for the good in our husbands and praising it.
It´s a succint view at the effects of feminism in the relationship dynamics.
This is, of course, old news for RVF members, but it should be still be of interest, since it was written by a woman:
Women’s arrogance and the downfall of assortive mating.
Let us begin with a bit of background, since I have a wide readership that is not necessarily familiar with the idea of assortive mating and how we got to the point we are at today with marriage and divorce.
Assortive mating means that like marries like. Beautiful, talented people tend to marry other beautiful, talented people. Average people tend to marry other average people. Homely people or less intelligent people or people with serious problems tend to marry other such people.
Or it used to be that way anyhow, pre-feminism and the sexual revolution.
There is one theory which says that part of the motivation for feminism was that unattractive women wanted access to more attractive men; feminism allowed them to have this temporarily in the form of one-night stands and short-term relationships. The result of this has been that many young women have spent a significant portion of their youth “punching above their weight” in the sexual market place, which has given them a false sense of their own attractiveness as a mate, which they then attempt to carry over into the marriage market place. In short, they have become arrogant.
The result of this is that women, including Christian women, have become unwilling to marry until they are much older and have had more than a few sexual partners. This decreases their value in the marriage market; they have difficulty bonding to their husbands, and they make it more difficult for their husbands to bond to them because they are older and hardened from having already slept with other men. Their attraction cues to men are skewed because they perceive themselves as being of higher market value than they really are, and they become resentful that the men they seem to be able to attract for marriage are less attractive than what they think they deserve.
On a previous thread, Farm Boy wondered why people believe that so many of the other gender are unmarriagable.
Modern women find men unmarriageable for several reasons:
1. Due to their modern arrogance, they don’t find the men who are truly their assortive mating equivalents attractive now.
2. Many modern men are less attractive as husbands because, perceiving that they may not ever be able to marry a decent woman in our modern femininistic society, the men have lost the motivation to strive to do those things which make them attractive to women (improving their looks, athleticism, money, power, and status).
3. Feminism has given women a false sense of equality with men, making women believe that they don’t really need a husband; women don’t feel pressure to marry or stay married to less attractive men.
Men find many women unmarriageable because
1. Men are attracted to youth, but many modern women don’t seriously consider marriage until they are older.
2. Many women are less physically attractive (due to factors such as obesity, tattooing, unfeminine dress and so on)
3. Most modern women have been sexually promiscuous. Even Christian women often have slept with more than one man. Men are sexually attracted to sluts but find them less appealing for marriage.
4. Modern women lack humility and gratitude.
But assortive mating is still the way to go because it provides the greatest number of people with mates. Here is the story of a couple in my church who got the assortive mating thing right. If you would like to watch them tell their moving story in their own words, follow this link to my church’s website, click on the video and scroll to the 33:52 minute mark:
http://northridgechurch.com/talks/origins/a-savior/
The man is a recovered drug addict (thanks be to God); physically he is short, he has lost all his teeth due to his addiction, and he has lost his career. While he was in a Christian rehabilitation program, he met a woman who was also a recovering drug addict; physically she has a pretty face but she is very obese. By the power of Christ and their obedience to Him, they are in recovery from their addictions; they are also married to one another now. This is the perfect example of assortive mating: two people who have been realistic about their own value in the sexual and marriage market places have been able to find love and companionship by being honest with themselves. So long as the woman maintains her sense of gratitude and is realistic about the fact that her husband represents the best quality man she is able to attract, they should be able to have a lifelong marriage instead of living in loneliness and celibacy for the rest of their lives.
Unfortunately, after second-wave feminism and the relentless building up of girls’ self-esteem beyond all rationality, and in fact beyond all reality, most women are simply too arrogant to admit that the men a woman attracts who are willing to offer her marriage are in fact an accurate reflection of her own value in the marriage market place.
Admitting that would be extremely humbling for most women but would free them to experience peace about accepting the men who pursue them for marriage, as well as allow them to have gratitude for the presence of the man they eventually marry. A woman who feels extremely grateful for her man and understands that she is unlikely to attract a better one is highly unlikely to frivorce him.
Humility and gratitude are critical for women to have in order to marry and be contented in marriage, but both those traits are nearly absent in modern women.
When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with the humble is wisdom. Proverbs 11:2
Update 1: Donal Graeme left a wonderfully instructive comment in the thread that I want all ladies to read:
I wanted to speak up about gratitude.
From my perspective, gratitude is one of the most valuable attributes that a woman can posses. While it doesn’t affect her attractiveness, it does impact her desirability more than nearly anything else. A woman who is grateful to her man is a powerful thing, I always envy a man who can know what that feels like.
It is this sense of gratitude which makes me so fond of some of the ladies around here. Elspeth especially carries a constant aura about her of gratitude towards her husband. We like to talk around these parts about how much Respect means to a man… well, gratitude is perhaps the biggest sign of respect out there.
Sadly, it is one of the things most missing these days, and I see no indication that it is making a comeback. Which makes those few women (especially the unmarried and virtuous ones) so valuable.
His comment inspired me to declare:
Let it henceforth be known that any woman who wishes to express gratitude for something wonderful about her husband may do so freely here. It’s good for the lurking herd to read that kind of thing. You will not be accused of bragging. Our husbands saved us from lives as childless spinsters, a fate that seems like it would very hard to bear. We owe them a lot. Let us resolve to behave accordingly.
Update 2: Elspeth at Loving in the Ruins has an outstanding post, Transforming my mind as a Christian wife., on the importance of looking for the good in our husbands and praising it.