[ksbms]

I used to frequent latin dance circuit and for the forum members, who haven't, you many not realise, how it may feel, knowing your girlfriend, every Thursday and Saturday, is in close-contact, from arms to breasts to her groins to her back to her butt to her pelvis with an assortment of men. Some of the men frequenting these circuits, even though may not be players in the slightest, will be guys who have looks, style, money and lift. They are not there, believe me, to play chess. These men are, yes, you guessed it, to find some pleasure in there, in those women, perhaps something serious. You can wonder if a woman can and will, through all these dances, tipsy nights, week in, week out, feeling aroused and having fun, resist each and every man. And trust me, from time to time, a formidable competition will arrive on the scene, be it a local well to do guy, or an oversees traveller.

So you need to cope, putting you head down to pillow, each time when she's out there, spinned around, touched up and down, embraced closely, seriously desired, sexually wanted, flirted with and wooed, so each time you try to come to terms with that and act unaffected. Your pretty, wanton, sexy dressed, girl putting herself out there in search for elevated emotional arousal. Not a simple thing. Especially, if a girl is religious about that thing. If it took Teedub 10 dates to get her to bed (unlikely in light of the evidence - salsa/bachata girls are very open and social), one could imagine her being conservative. However, such is the nature of humans we can't even trust ourselves and mistakes happen.

And for the worse, if the environment is prime for that. The environment is an enabler often and us, as MALES we aren't, evolutionarily hard-wired to tolerate our female's never-ending line of suitors pitching sex and more to her. It's just not a normal set up. There's given too much slack to women. Men here, on the forum, moan women are intolerable, but they never confront situations that in, say Islamic country would not be even a remote possibility - a girlfriend/wife amorously in many men arms, late at night, after a drink or two unsupervised? This just does not reconcile with our biology. I hear here a few too tolerant voices. Trust me, once your hard-wired instincts kick-in, you won't be happy seeing your girl seduced by a dozen a man, twice a week, at night.

So what, in this case, our forum member should do? Surely, this bachata thing must have ground on him for a bit too long to compromise on it forever. A bone of contention that could not be reconciled with and it is up to him to live up to his decision. But it must have been clear from the outset, what kind of girl it was (not saying it was a bad girl - just a very pro-social and flirtatious and out-going girl) and what problem it would might have caused. One must realise, that a serious relationship, a relationship leading to a marriage and kids is more like a business. There's too much of a romantic provenance of how people think about relationships and once the reality hits the ground, things grind down to a halt. Marriage is a business. If both people can't relatively easily, pre-marriage co-operate, compromise and reconcile, it will only get worse after marriage. Sometimes seriously so, as I'm sure you can attest to it looking around your family members and close friends. If no compromise could have been reached within a reasonable time frame, don't aggravate it and worsen it by making it a bottomless sunk cost fallacy - in some men's cases, through their entire lives, literally, to the grave. Only realising way too late they've been their own hostages of wishful and magical thinking, hindsight bias or, surprisingly often, a denial of reality around them.

The real good news, Teedub, is that there are many more women out there. Don't bullshit us and yourself, that being 30 it's all doom and gloom. You've had some experiences, you'll have some more. We've all been there (certainly, I was), that she was the "one". Our minds do play tricks on us but psychologists shows us that losses are perceived twice as hurtful as gains are. Take action, don't dwell and self-commiserate, this won't help to sooth the pain. Acknowledge the situation and be mindful - a man's mission in life is not any particular woman but a virtuous, eudaimonic way of living one's life with a set of core principles of being fair to oneself but also to others. So I've just mentioned there are other women out there. You have the tools, you know how the game is played. You'll be a hunter once more, you'll make those girls fall for you and want you. A marriage (a conventional, post-industrial, left-wing liberal interpretation of it) is not something that is an ultimate and only goal of a man's live. This is not to deny having a partner and kids are valuable achievements, but there's more to life than this. I'll finish off with a noteworthy quote of a wise man, who can say it so much better than I could have ever said:

“Happiness and freedom begin with a clear understanding of one principle: Some things are within our control and some things are not. It is only after you have faced up to this fundamental rule and learned to distinguish between what you can and can’t control that inner tranquility and outer effectiveness become possible.”

I must admit, Epictetus' principle seems to me like a damn good rule of thumb for having a better life. Hopefully, it will make your struggle all the easier in the foreseeable future.