Quote: (06-12-2018 09:56 AM)birthday cat Wrote:
I think it was a combination of both and the shit test aspect of it succeeded in frustrating the OP.
Excellent post Bday.
OP comes across as argumentative in his story and in his responses here. (He would disagree of course.) What most girls want is to have fun, and to be able to integrate you into their other friends and groups eventually without embarrassment.
Cue OP saying that he didn't embarrass himself it was her fault.
OP's rigid rule announcement simply stated to the girl the opposite. She is thinking: "He is no fun and if I bring him to any group to hang out and have drinks he will embarrass me in front of my friends perhaps nit picking the bill or his share, or announcing that he will or won't pay this or that." She muses on "Plus he is no fun because he is worried about my ethnicity, plus he is no fun because he is trying to put me into sub-categories of Indonesian, plus he is probably flat broke." Cue OP saying no none of these things are true.
A great man once said "society regards those who can't and won't as the same." Your announcement that you won't pay OP is absolutely equal in effect to saying you can't pay. It is an immutable law. You may be able to pull smoothly off the not paying without this effect but not by announcing it. Cue OP saying it isn't this way.
There are subtle little messages, meanings and rules about paying in groups and on dates. By coming into situations with rigid hard and set rules you miss out on sometimes great moments in life where flexibility and openness will take you places you didn't imagine. When done right, inviting someone is like a kind of gift. When done subtly and flawlessly it enhances the date or event. When you need to split it, when done flawlessly it is a non issue. When you get invited you know how to be a gracious recipient because you have done the inviting yourself at some point. Cue OP saying he already knows this.