Quote: (04-17-2018 10:33 PM)AnonymousBosch Wrote:
Quote: (04-16-2018 09:41 PM)Rigsby Wrote:
I just want to say I'm of sound mind, I'm fairly sober and with it. I also realise this is a very personal and emotive post. I'm Ok. I'd just like to let this stand in this little corner of the internet if I may? Catharsis? Yes. Sharing for others? I hope so...
Rigsby:
Sorry for your loss.
As someone who has dealt with a lot of personal loss - including seven years of palliative care - I've seen the dysfunction that arises when death isn't dealt with properly:
Go to your Brother's Funeral and say goodbye to him, particularly if there's an open casket and you can view his body. Otherwise, it risks being a lingering regret, and they have a nasty way of festering for years, and causing unpredictable and dysfunctional reactions.
I watched my Grandfather decide to never be happy again after my Grandmother died, and played out that role for all observers for 12 years after her death. My Aunt broke down and needed medicating due to a miscarriage forty years after the fact. My Stepfather was institutionalized just after New Year's Eve this year, eight years after my mothers death, since he stubbornly-refused to ever, ever address the issue. He has required a lot of care, which I've given him, even though my ability to forgive him was severely-tested by him after Christmas and took all of my resolve to continuing to care about him as a human being.
Somehow, human compassion won, and I still care.
Go to the Funeral. It doesn't have to be a grandiose statement, or a high family drama. Don't make it about your family's dysfunction. That continues to gives them power over you. Refuse to engage in their emotional games, and don't get swept up in punishing them or blaming them. Resist the tendency to make a scene with them, or become hyper-emotional. Forgive them, even if you have little to do with them going forward.
It's about your Brother, not them.
It's about your Brother, not you.
I'm not saying it'll be easy - it'll take active work, patience and injuries to your pride, but understand that I've also been in similar situations, for familial reasons that I won't dredge up. I've also observed forgiveness for far greater sins.
Be strong, and say goodbye. You won't be always wondering what his Funeral was like, and if you should have gone.
Thank you for your well wishes AB.
And thank you for your thoughts on the subject.
You know, my mind was pretty well made up not to go to the funeral. I wanted to be there when he died, but I got pushed out. So what of him being put in to the ground?
But after reading your very considered and enlightening post, I think I will now seriously consider going.
You are right. It will be uncomfortable.
After finding out what my mother was after all these years, and boiling with anger at her, not to mention my father's petty spirit and vindictiveness, it will be a challenge.
I have a file from my bro's computer called 'funeral wishes' - I only got it when I backed up his laptop. I still haven't read it. It seems private. Maybe I won't ever read it. It wasn't meant for me.
I hear what you are saying about the years of hurt down the road.
I'm still a bit in shock at not being told when he died. He'd been dead three fucking days and I was shitposting all over the internet as a means for coping with being in limbo.
Today, I shed some tears. I always thought I would break down when I finally found out. But there has been so much grieving going on before the event. I've never felt so calm.
After 7 years of palliative care, you will know what I mean about grieving before hand, I imagine.
There is so much more to say. So much more that could be said.
I very nearly didn't check back in this thread because I get burned out with sharing so much. That isn't a reflection on anyone else.
Again, Roosh making this thread - he's tapped in to something. I swear I just wanted to keep this one quiet. I'm glad he did. I'm glad you shared so much as well AB.
I think I need to do this. You are right.
Whatever small discomfort might come from the awkward family connections, it will pale in to insignificance with regard to the reflections that will come in the years ahead.
This isn't just a case of 'manning up', it's a case of digging deeper, deeper than I've ever gone before. But that is what is called for.
Thank you AB.