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Hi my name is Julie Clambulk.

I’m a senior executive sales property agent representative consultant at LandRats Real Estate Asiancy.

I’ve been in real estate for 23 years, by which I mean I’ve lived in a property for 23 years. I started working as a real estate agent in 2013 when I needed to work after my divorce. Despite little to no experience and a 4 week online qualification I am now a sales, marketing and personal finance expert and a property lawyer with a PhD in economics. People often ask me how to read between the lines when looking at real estate ads on the interwebsite, so here is a handy guide to deciphering the most frequently used terms in the property businestry.

Bright: no curtains, enjoy weekend sleep-ins til 5.30am.
Funky: the word I use to make something sound really hip and modern, you know like the Bee Gees, VCR tapes and Mork & Mindy
Vibrant: the area has heaps of homeless and gays and homeless gays
Ensuite: shit in a tiny closet directly next to your bed
Open plan: there’s no room for dividing walls so make dinner in the laundry and sleep on the couch-dining-table
Large: large as in when you used to tell your ex-husband his penis is ‘large’ but really its tiny like a killer whale eating a tictac
Cottage: the size of a coffin for an ant
Upmarket: full of twats in Volvo or Audi 4WD’s and those knick-knack shops that sell soap for post-menopausal pensioners
Trendy: has a Thai restaurant and a Vintage Cellars nearby and a place that has a chalkboard out the front with a barista with a moustache and some potted herbs, wow
Swanky: remove the ‘s’
Renovators delight: death trap about to collapse in a cloud of dust at any moment and give you asbestosis
Renovated: painted 7 years ago with one coat of diluted liquid paper
Owners must sell: The owner is an foreigner who’s gone bankrupt because he thought opening an understocked deli next to a Coles would be a good idea, his business acumen tells him his house is worth $200,000 more than anyone is willing to pay. 80% chance of Hong Kong Chinese or Indian
Close to public transport: 15 kilometre walk from your parking spot at the shops through dense bogans and across a freeway to a derelict traino
Auction: an event where the social pressure from a cluster of moronic sheep and your fucking incessantly moaning wife will make you bid 80% more than the absolute upper maximum you set yourself 10 minutes before the auction started, enjoy retiring at 95 or defaulting on your loan and plunging your family into financial ruin where your daughters will resent you for being a failure of a man who can’t buy them a Michael Hors bag they saw on some skank at OPorto
Terrace/Duplex: those sounds you hear through the single brick wall are your neighbours fucking each other, or so you hope
Luxurious: the tackiest possible guido interior design, it’s like walking into Fergie’s bejazzeld vagina inside which is a projected loop of a Von Dutch commercial for its new line of protein powder hair extension tattoos with music by David Goiter
“Location, location, location”: a reminder not to shit in the laundry hamper again because it is not the toilet

So with that inside information, please have a look at my latest listing:

Panoramic Views From This Funky Sanitary Pad



Welcome to your award winning architecturally designed apartment, THE SEAVIEW DIAPER

This generously sized (13.4m2) apartment is nestled in a quiet (during the day) village of state housing and friendly young families of junkies. Take a short, nervous stroll to the trendy Heroin Road with its community legal service centres nestled amongst cafes and popular shops, including 5 loan sharks and a number of hydroponic and aquarium warehouses. This inner-city (49km straight line) abode is all just minutes from the CBD (129 minutes).

Enjoy the elevated, panoramic views that extend from the living area through the master bedroom cell and into the second injecting room. Or head outside onto the balcony through sliding glass doors you can throw your partner into when you find out they’ve been cheating again. The balcony offers truly breathtaking views that will take your breath away from the acrid smog of the local brickworks. Watch the sun set over a hazy industrial wasteland and take in views across the ChemToxCorp Industrial Area, sweeping out to the beautiful oil stained Coal Beach.

This area offers plenty of nighttime entertainment, from the local greyhound races, to the welcoming and chatty locals in tracksuit pants using payphones at 1am, to the local Wheel & Eggfart Tavern where its chicken parmigianas and stabbings are famous with police. All this is within walking distance of the newly built exclusive estate Shiv Shower Juvenile Detention Centre and the lush green gardens of Prostitution Park.

Constructed from single brick and colourbond sheeting this apartment has been converted and renovated from an old fire hose reel cupboard to give it that classic shantytown drug favela charm. The entire apartment comes fully furnished from a previous celebrity tenant who tirelessly collected antiques over many years that were showcased in multiple seasons of Today Tonight.
The main bedroom features mirrored built-in robes so you can stare at your ugly pathetic body in all of its depressing reality each morning before making the Mordor-like trek to your dead-end job where your only enjoyment is Susan teasing you with her big heavy naturals while she gets on her knees to clear a paper jam in the fucking useless photocopier. This room is painted in earthy tones of nicotine stain and smeared faecal matter.

The second bedroom also includes a built-in robe, roof mounted anchored eye-bolts for your selection of restraints and recently replaced carpet patches. This particular room is pet-friendly as it once comfortably accommodated 48 cats.

A well-presented galley-style kitchen offers plentiful cupboard space to grow your weed under UV lamps. It is equipped with bottom-of-the-line Flusher & Puckapunyal appliances that will breakdown within 3 months causing a massive gas explosion.

Hand wash your clothing like a beggar on the Ganges in the single basin of the shared laundry (shared with local meth-heads who will break in repeatedly asking for ‘Kayden’ or ‘the glass’). There is a large neat-and-tidy bathroom with a stupid bathtub shower that is as annoying as it is impractical (please note that absolutely no one* has died in this bathroom) (*Australian citizen).

Outside is a large boring unkempt brick common area that conveniently doubles as a prison exercise yard you’ll be too afraid to use. This is a well-maintained, exclusive boutique complex of just 525 apartments. Off street parking is available (off the other side of the freeway at the Westfield car park).

Savvy foreign investors will love this excellent inner-city apartment that offers a low-maintenance investment guaranteed to attract high rental returns and secure your children a position in a commerce degree at a local university.

Will suit first home-buyer who has recently been released on parole and is used to solitary confinement and wants to transition into a bigger property, or professional couple who would like to create a physical representation of how little they earn and how many decades of work lie ahead of them before being able to pay any principal off their mortgage.

Contact me for a free appraisal of your social status and a report on whether I think you can afford this property based on looking at your car and clothing.
Auction on Wednesday 32th June, 4am. Please note the auction will be attended by 5000 idiots so parking is limited. Reserve set at $13 million yuan.