It's been awhile since being active on the forum, but life has brought me back. I'm going through a divorce and a few threads on here have helped beyond belief. There were a few threads in particular which I will link either at the bottom or later today if I have a chance.
A bit about my situation: 32 Years old, LTR for 7 years, married for 3. 1 child who is 2 years old. Infidelity throughout the relationship and marriage. None of it was "emotional" but that doesn't matter, cheated and got caught. I know I fucked up. Moving on..
Everything you will read out there comes down to a few things: Gym, Time, Meetup.com, buy a fucking kayak, work on yourself, yadda yadda yadda. That's all fine and dandy, but your brain and body won't be ready to deal with any of that in the beginning. This guide is mostly about the initial stages of separation and divorce. Also, this guide is more applicable if you have a child because if you don't have a kid with her, shit's a million times easier - pack your shit, move, no contact, you'll get over it with time. Not really the case when you have to deal with your ex for the foreseeable future.
To Begin:
Are things actually over? For me, I was under the impression that the last 5 months I had a shot of making things right and having another chance, however, she had already checked out since Jan 1st and admitted to just using me for comfort until she was ready to date again. That shit hit me like a fucking shotgun. But, I needed to hear it. Once those words were said, I finally realized it was over and could begin the process of moving on and getting my shit together. No more what if's or maybe's. I had found finality.
If you still have a fighting chance, my advice is to be honest and upfront about EVERYTHING. All the dirt and grime, all the girls you were banging behind her back, in your home, whatever. It needs to be all out on the table. Only then can she begin to build her trust with you again. That's what it comes down to in my opinion, if it's a case of infidelity anyway. Had I been honest and upfront right from the start, I think things could have been a lot different. But hindsight is 20/20. Also, consider having her sign an Non Disclosure Agreement. The less involved her family/friends are in this whole process the better, she wont feel as ashamed to stick around with you if no one knows the specifics.
Next Steps:
Keep things amicable. Or try your damned hardest to do so if you have children involved. Also, this will allow the two of you to communicate and formulate a plan for the future/parent schedules/etc. And in my case, I was able to obtain closure with the whole thing through communicating. My motivations for winning her back were largely due to wanting my daughter to grow up with a family. More on that later.
Finances. Get your shit together. See what your expenses are at, what your child support payments and spousal support payments will be. If you work to an amicable spot, go through a mediator to have the separation agreement drawn up. Remember, all this petty shit of who should get what or coming at this as enemies will only impact your child. The children are priority now. And make a plan to get living arrangements that are conducive to gaming, budget withstanding. You wont be swooping anything any time soon but you need to plan ahead. I picked a prime location in town, I couldn't imagine how shitty I would be feeling right now if I was in a housing complex in the burbs without any fly prospects in sight.
Ask yourself what you really want in life? Now is the time to build the lifestyle you always wanted. For me, I immediately started listening to music I couldn't otherwise listen to at home, more time to start reading books (Meditations by Marcus Aurelius has been invaluable), focus on doing the things you otherwise couldn't because you were bound by traditional family routines. Just stay schemin'. Delve deep into the motivations behind your behaviour, why the relationship didn't work, and learn from it. Figure out what lead you to that point and how to avoid going down that path again.
Be the best damn father you can be. Unless you get full custody, your time with your kids will be cut in half or more. Make the most of it. My relationship had gotten to a point where I was completely checked out, and it trickled into my abilities to be a present father. I was there, in the room, but on my phone or always thinking about the next opportunity to get my dick wet. Now, when I pick her up on the weekends or when she sees me come over for a visit, she cant withhold her excitement to see me. It's a damn good feeling knowing that despite not being able to see my daughter as much, she misses me and wants to spend time with her dad. When I'm with her, I keep my phone in my pocket, and spend all my attention on being a good father.
Getting over your ex/how to deal with emotional swings:
I'd be lying if I said this shit is easy. It's one of the hardest, most painful things I've had to go through. There will be times when everything is going your way, you've cooked up a mean brisket, got your gangsta rap on, have a fly chicka hitting you up on the gram but all you think about is what your ex is doing or who she's fucking. It's natural, my half cocked theory is that it's the chemicals in your brain firing, wanting to get a fix of the good times. The comfort, the security, and the sex. I did a lot of writing during the initial stages of my divorce. I wrote everything, all that I was feeling, my anger, my frustrations, my goals, and self discoveries. It helped process everything that was going on. One thing I did that I wasn't sure would help was create a list of all the things that I didn't like about my relationship with my ex, as well as with her. When those emotions of longing and wanting to get back together with her would creep up, I would look at my list it. Boom. Back to reality. It's easy to look back and see everything with rose colored glasses, making a "shit list" helps.
Putting her in a "mother of my child box". That's how I see my ex now. The sooner you detach from any emotional connection or longing, the easier and stress free you will be. She's already banging someone she met on tinder, who cares. Does it impact how she will raise our kid? That's what matters.
Time to start hitting up fly chickas:
I wont go too much into this, as there are plenty of threads and knowledge out there on game and how to pick up. From what I can say though, gaming higher quality women and more attractive women than your ex is what the focus should be on. My ex was pretty sexy so this is challenging for me but revel in it. Now that I'm divorced, I don't give a fuck about what I say and who I say it to. I'm upfront about what I want and what I am capable of putting into dating. The girls I've talked to respect it. With everything going on, I don't have time to waste with low quality chicks, I make sure they understand this. Build a lifestyle that demonstrates that.
Closing thoughts:
Everyone's circumstances are unique and different. I lucked out in that I did marry someone caring and considerate. This divorce could have been nasty, but it isn't. We both understand what we need to do moving forward. I hope you can be as lucky.
The girl I married was attractive, a great mother, a down to earth girl, not materialistic and madly in love with me. I still threw it all away for some side pieces that I didn't even like. Why? Game is a gift and a curse. It provides so many opportunities to be unfaithful. That's what it came down to in the end. I know a lot of guys on the board want to find that high quality girl to lock down and have a family with, but really, none of that matters unless you are willing to hang up it up for good.
A bit about my situation: 32 Years old, LTR for 7 years, married for 3. 1 child who is 2 years old. Infidelity throughout the relationship and marriage. None of it was "emotional" but that doesn't matter, cheated and got caught. I know I fucked up. Moving on..
Everything you will read out there comes down to a few things: Gym, Time, Meetup.com, buy a fucking kayak, work on yourself, yadda yadda yadda. That's all fine and dandy, but your brain and body won't be ready to deal with any of that in the beginning. This guide is mostly about the initial stages of separation and divorce. Also, this guide is more applicable if you have a child because if you don't have a kid with her, shit's a million times easier - pack your shit, move, no contact, you'll get over it with time. Not really the case when you have to deal with your ex for the foreseeable future.
To Begin:
Are things actually over? For me, I was under the impression that the last 5 months I had a shot of making things right and having another chance, however, she had already checked out since Jan 1st and admitted to just using me for comfort until she was ready to date again. That shit hit me like a fucking shotgun. But, I needed to hear it. Once those words were said, I finally realized it was over and could begin the process of moving on and getting my shit together. No more what if's or maybe's. I had found finality.
If you still have a fighting chance, my advice is to be honest and upfront about EVERYTHING. All the dirt and grime, all the girls you were banging behind her back, in your home, whatever. It needs to be all out on the table. Only then can she begin to build her trust with you again. That's what it comes down to in my opinion, if it's a case of infidelity anyway. Had I been honest and upfront right from the start, I think things could have been a lot different. But hindsight is 20/20. Also, consider having her sign an Non Disclosure Agreement. The less involved her family/friends are in this whole process the better, she wont feel as ashamed to stick around with you if no one knows the specifics.
Next Steps:
Keep things amicable. Or try your damned hardest to do so if you have children involved. Also, this will allow the two of you to communicate and formulate a plan for the future/parent schedules/etc. And in my case, I was able to obtain closure with the whole thing through communicating. My motivations for winning her back were largely due to wanting my daughter to grow up with a family. More on that later.
Finances. Get your shit together. See what your expenses are at, what your child support payments and spousal support payments will be. If you work to an amicable spot, go through a mediator to have the separation agreement drawn up. Remember, all this petty shit of who should get what or coming at this as enemies will only impact your child. The children are priority now. And make a plan to get living arrangements that are conducive to gaming, budget withstanding. You wont be swooping anything any time soon but you need to plan ahead. I picked a prime location in town, I couldn't imagine how shitty I would be feeling right now if I was in a housing complex in the burbs without any fly prospects in sight.
Ask yourself what you really want in life? Now is the time to build the lifestyle you always wanted. For me, I immediately started listening to music I couldn't otherwise listen to at home, more time to start reading books (Meditations by Marcus Aurelius has been invaluable), focus on doing the things you otherwise couldn't because you were bound by traditional family routines. Just stay schemin'. Delve deep into the motivations behind your behaviour, why the relationship didn't work, and learn from it. Figure out what lead you to that point and how to avoid going down that path again.
Be the best damn father you can be. Unless you get full custody, your time with your kids will be cut in half or more. Make the most of it. My relationship had gotten to a point where I was completely checked out, and it trickled into my abilities to be a present father. I was there, in the room, but on my phone or always thinking about the next opportunity to get my dick wet. Now, when I pick her up on the weekends or when she sees me come over for a visit, she cant withhold her excitement to see me. It's a damn good feeling knowing that despite not being able to see my daughter as much, she misses me and wants to spend time with her dad. When I'm with her, I keep my phone in my pocket, and spend all my attention on being a good father.
Getting over your ex/how to deal with emotional swings:
I'd be lying if I said this shit is easy. It's one of the hardest, most painful things I've had to go through. There will be times when everything is going your way, you've cooked up a mean brisket, got your gangsta rap on, have a fly chicka hitting you up on the gram but all you think about is what your ex is doing or who she's fucking. It's natural, my half cocked theory is that it's the chemicals in your brain firing, wanting to get a fix of the good times. The comfort, the security, and the sex. I did a lot of writing during the initial stages of my divorce. I wrote everything, all that I was feeling, my anger, my frustrations, my goals, and self discoveries. It helped process everything that was going on. One thing I did that I wasn't sure would help was create a list of all the things that I didn't like about my relationship with my ex, as well as with her. When those emotions of longing and wanting to get back together with her would creep up, I would look at my list it. Boom. Back to reality. It's easy to look back and see everything with rose colored glasses, making a "shit list" helps.
Putting her in a "mother of my child box". That's how I see my ex now. The sooner you detach from any emotional connection or longing, the easier and stress free you will be. She's already banging someone she met on tinder, who cares. Does it impact how she will raise our kid? That's what matters.
Time to start hitting up fly chickas:
I wont go too much into this, as there are plenty of threads and knowledge out there on game and how to pick up. From what I can say though, gaming higher quality women and more attractive women than your ex is what the focus should be on. My ex was pretty sexy so this is challenging for me but revel in it. Now that I'm divorced, I don't give a fuck about what I say and who I say it to. I'm upfront about what I want and what I am capable of putting into dating. The girls I've talked to respect it. With everything going on, I don't have time to waste with low quality chicks, I make sure they understand this. Build a lifestyle that demonstrates that.
Closing thoughts:
Everyone's circumstances are unique and different. I lucked out in that I did marry someone caring and considerate. This divorce could have been nasty, but it isn't. We both understand what we need to do moving forward. I hope you can be as lucky.
The girl I married was attractive, a great mother, a down to earth girl, not materialistic and madly in love with me. I still threw it all away for some side pieces that I didn't even like. Why? Game is a gift and a curse. It provides so many opportunities to be unfaithful. That's what it came down to in the end. I know a lot of guys on the board want to find that high quality girl to lock down and have a family with, but really, none of that matters unless you are willing to hang up it up for good.