[TigerMandingo]

I've been seeing this chick for a about a year. The thing is she's feminine, pleasant and an all-around great girl. The only problem is that we struggle to communicate because of her limited knowledge of English. She can hold a very basic conversation but nothing beyond that. Not only that, but I find myself repeating things over and over because she didn't understand it the first time. I'm generally an understanding person but this is becoming frustrating. Before you ask I don't speak her native language (Japanese) and have no intention of learning it.

Anyone else had this situation? Is it worth ending the relationship over?

[JimBobsCooters]

(12-01-2018 11:11 AM)TigerMandingo Wrote:  

I've been seeing this chick for a about a year. The thing is she's feminine, pleasant and an all-around great girl. The only problem is that we struggle to communicate because of her limited knowledge of English. She can hold a very basic conversation but nothing beyond that. Not only that, but I find myself repeating things over and over because she didn't understand it the first time. I'm generally an understanding person but this is becoming frustrating. Before you ask I don't speak her native language (Japanese) and have no intention of learning it.

Anyone else had this situation? Is it worth ending the relationship over?

I've been in similar before and a few things come to mind...

The first is that English is very easy to learn for those who genuinely want to learn it, have actually had a few girls in this situation, one of them basically became conversational in 2 months and fluent in 12, another couple were more like 6 for months for conversational but on all of them you can noticeably tell that they're improving the language, I guess the questions is why isn't your girl?

The secondary part is why you're unwilling to learn her language? Been here as well and generally when the relationship has run its course I've looked back and thought that me not being willing to learn their language was really a tell that I wasn't in the relationship in the first place.

Basically the language barrier is an excuse, imo, that is convenient to use in place of whatever the real reasons are (both sides of the relationship). Relationships are about sacrifice and in the grand scheme of things, learning a language is a pretty small sacrifice to make (not talking about high level fluency, just conversational level).

At the end of the day you need to decide if she is going to learn English or you're going to learn Japanese but if neither of you are willing then I think you already know the answer to your question.

[Longshanks]

You've been seeing a girl for a year that you can't truly communicate with? In my experience, oriental girls seems to lack real character. Seems doubtful it's one for the long term but if it is, you should learn Japanese also imo.

[TigerMandingo]

@JimBob, I have no real interest in learning Japanese. Too many other things going on in life to start learning a language like that. The other thing is she's been in the US for over 5 years and honestly her level of English is appalling. It wasn't such an impediment at the very beginning of our relationship but it has become more of a problem recently. I guess I'm just disappointed because I really want things to work between us but this one thing is driving us apart.

[LowerCaseG]

What do you think is the reason she has been so slow to learn? Why not just tell her nicely that it's becoming a problem and she's either going to get fluent or get the boot.

[eradicator]

I think our end goal should be to find an attractive girl that doesn't speak any languages at all.

[TigerMandingo]

She lives in nyc and hangs out only with Japanese friends. There might be no incentive for her to learn English beyond the basics.

The funny thing is I often correct her EngRish (as she calls it lol) but then she reverts to the same mistakes the next day.

[crispytaco]

You are asking to other people if she worth it or no? That's a question only you can answer.
There is a couple I've met from this forum and none of them could speak the language of the other. They live together now!

[zatara]

If shes been living in the US for a year, and dating an American, and her English still isn't improving shes either stupid or lazy. I would usually agree with JimBobsCooters that you have a responsibility to meet her half way by learning some of her language (and dating someone is a great way of learning a new language) if you were living in her country or a neutral one. But given shes living in America, and also that Japanese is notoriously difficult (and not very useful, globally) I don't think theres much on you here.

How can you have spent a year seeing someone you only have very basic conversations with? What do you talk about on your dates? How do you even watch a movie or TV together? I can't imagine it not being horrifically boring spending hours with someone you can't have a conversation with. You can almost certainly do better and date a girl who you can actually talk to.

[TigerMandingo]

Zatara, that's the thing. I've confronted her about this and she says it's hard for her because she came to the US in her her late 20s, at an age when it's harder to pick up a new language. I can understand that. At the same time, I'm not sure I have the patience to be an ESL teacher at this point in my life.

[Cattle Rustler]

(12-02-2018 11:49 AM)TigerMandingo Wrote:  

Zatara, that's the thing. I've confronted her about this and she says it's hard for her because she came to the US in her her late 20s, at an age when it's harder to pick up a new language. I can understand that. At the same time, I'm not sure I have the patience to be an ESL teacher at this point in my life.

People come to the US at her age and older, yet manage to learn decent English. Try having her teach you some Japanese, even if you have no intention on learning it. It would show you're trying and she'll put more effort into her engrish.

[El_Cartiero]

A year you say? Damn, I don’t know much about you but you seem like the patient type. I mean, with her limited grasp of English, what do you both do you both chat about when you’re together, after the inial “how are you/how’s your day been?”?

[TigerMandingo]

She has a grasp of the basics. But I have to speak slowly and use smaller words otherwise she won't get it. It gets frustrating after a while as you can imagine.

[66Scorpio]

I had a girlfriend here in China who had iffy English. We would be chit catting in the car and many times we had to finish our conversation at home in front of the computer with an online translator. Our ultimate split had nothing to do with the language barrier. If you click with someone you can go out, have a good time, and then roll in the hay with very limited conversation.

Back several years my mother invited a young couple over for dinner. He was French, she was Spanish and their English really sucked but they made it work.

[Caduceus]

Is she hot ?
Is the sex good ?

If yes to either, keep her and move to "plate" status while getting another main girl.

[eradicator]

(12-02-2018 05:18 PM)66Scorpio Wrote:  

I had a girlfriend here in China who had iffy English. We would be chit catting in the car and many times we had to finish our conversation at home in front of the computer with an online translator. Our ultimate split had nothing to do with the language barrier. If you click with someone you can go out, have a good time, and then roll in the hay with very limited conversation.

Back several years my mother invited a young couple over for dinner. He was French, she was Spanish and their English really sucked but they made it work.

I agree completely. If you are extremely attracted to her and fuck her very well every time you see each other, just keep inviting her over and bang her as soon as she comes over. Then she leaves and you repeat in 2-3 days. You can keep that up for months or even years, without talking to her a lot, just be very physical with her.

[zatara]

(12-02-2018 11:49 AM)TigerMandingo Wrote:  

Zatara, that's the thing. I've confronted her about this and she says it's hard for her because she came to the US in her her late 20s, at an age when it's harder to pick up a new language. I can understand that. At the same time, I'm not sure I have the patience to be an ESL teacher at this point in my life.

I mean, sure, its harder, but if she really wanted to she easily could reach at least a functional level. Millions of people the world over learn languages in their late 20s or older, its not rocket science. Especially when completely immersed in the language, in a country where its native, dating a native speaker.

Either way though, it doesn't matter why her English is terrible, it just matters that it is, it has been for a while, and its likely to continue to be so for the foreseeable future. Theres no reason to stay dating a girl that you can't have any sort sort of conversation with. Its just not a good investment of your time, unless you're abhorrently ugly you can almost certainly do better for yourself. There are always more women out there, and almost all of the ones you meet in America will have enough English to actually have a conversation with you on your dates.

edit: ^^ yeah if this was just a fuckbuddy situation that would be fine. If she was hot, the sex was good, and it was a fuck 'em and chuck 'em a couple times a week. But from the sounds of things TigerMandingo is actually in a relationship with this girl, so hes spending considerable amounts of time in her company. Which just seems a waste of time. Better to invest that time into other girls.

[BBinger]

(12-01-2018 05:49 PM)TigerMandingo Wrote:  

She lives in nyc and hangs out only with Japanese friends. There might be no incentive for her to learn English beyond the basics.

The funny thing is I often correct her EngRish (as she calls it lol) but then she reverts to the same mistakes the next day.

She probably makes it through 95% or more of her tasks of everyday living with that limited English (I say this living in a Spanish speaking country with imperfectSpanish and locals with a challenging accent). Improving my Spanish beyond what just gets me by takes active effort on my part. I take Spanish lessons with an English teacher, date a nurse who doesn't speak English, and try to keep my apartment from being an English language refuge 24/7.

Her best bet to get better at English is going to be lessons with someone experienced in teaching the language. Trying to be her ESL teacher is likely to bring more resentment for the both of you than learning.

You may not want to dedicate a lot of effort to learning Japanese, but you can try the low effort deal and try to pick up some vacation phrasebook Japanese. Not enough to communicate effectively, but enough to frustrate her into working her English.

[wi30]

(12-02-2018 11:49 AM)TigerMandingo Wrote:  

Zatara, that's the thing. I've confronted her about this and she says it's hard for her because she came to the US in her her late 20s, at an age when it's harder to pick up a new language. I can understand that. At the same time, I'm not sure I have the patience to be an ESL teacher at this point in my life.

Zatara is right. She's either dumb or lazy.

My wife is Brazilian. I met her when she was about 4 months into living in the US. Our first few dates were a little awkward and she didn't understand slang.

Fast forward 2 years. Her English is near perfect, she's expanded her vocabulary way beyond basic bitches, and she can make funny jokes on really subtle things.

She has Brazilian friends and acquaintances who have lived here for 3,5,10 years and can barely communicate in English beyond ordering at a restaurant. It's insulting to know someone has lived in a country for 10 years and hasn't bothered learning the local language. I give them a ton of shit because if I was in Brazil for more than 6 months I would be well beyond conversational in Portuguese.

I'd lean towards dropping her unless she shows intention to assimilate.

[RatInTheWoods]

Not being able to have a conversation, crack jokes, have banter and talk about the deep issues of life would relegate a bird to the FWB category for me.

[Nardo]

It seems likely that she has that Japanese pride still. Barely speaking any English and only hanging out with Japanese friends sounds exactly what many Japanese people do in Japan, even after 12+ years of studying it every day. She has just adapted to NYC, but kept her close mindedness. It might be so ingrained in her, that she won't want to change. If you really want change, then you will probably have to put in more effort and time than you have. I suggest testing the waters with some English intensive activities with her and friends, something that will force her to talk.