Quote: (11-29-2018 01:35 AM)choichoi Wrote:
Try getting an online counselor.
Okay, where do I get one that is in line with the red pill philosophy?
Quote: (11-29-2018 02:26 AM)MANic Wrote:
I think the advice of seeing a counselor is prtty sound. I'm not as experienced as the other members here not do I have any expertise but here is my honest opinion.
The on the road and banging sluts lifestyle requires tremendous stamina. I can't do it for any extended period of time nor do I desire to. and Iam strongly inclined toward the idea that most man are not engineered, either biologically or psychologically, to permanently pursue such a lifestyle.
Perhaps what you need is some time in a mid-sized (not so isolated and distant from an urban centre) town, surrounded by nature and simpler people. Perhaps find some more stability and built deeper social connections. I assume you're from the U.S where such a set-up should prove relatively inexpensive. If it doesn't work out, you can always just flight out on the next flight to Vietnam or wherever you fancy.
I was supposed to just get a girlfriend and find a private therapist to sort out whatever my mental problem was. I am not from the US, I just set the as the country where I am from because I am so paranoid of revealing where I am from because it etches my identity to behave like that.
You know my journey into pickup was fueled by this desire to build social connections. Still haven´t really been able to do that.
Quote: (11-29-2018 08:59 AM)BadBoyGamer Wrote:
A good question to ask yourself first is:
What do you want out of your life in the next 5 years?
What are your goals?
What do you want to accomplish?
What do you want to do?
What are your dreams?
When trying to answer these question do not think about what other people want or what society deems to be the right path. Just focus on yourself and only yourself. This is YOUR life after all and you only got one. And one day you will die.
You also do not have to think about a long term goal for the next 20 years. Focus on the first 5 years first. Or if that is too long the first year. Or if that is too long the first few months.
Why did you move to Thailand in the first place?
Where did you originally come from?
Ok, I have read your questions but they slip my mind as soon as I take my eyes of the text.
I did it out desperation, I was so lonely. I figured I could be a provider and at least have some company. It´s hard for me to even write this, to think, it feels like such an effort to even talk to people.
I really hate that question, because I deny the nation state and I am so ashamed of being of that ethnicity. It really brings me down when even on this forum I read negative remarks about the men from that country.
I have become paranoid about frames and just want to reject everything.
I just want to start a family, but don´t know how to do it. And afraid the woman will take all my money...so I end up not doing anything really with my life. I was so convinced a thread here would help, now I am just already looking for the next thing and thinking nah how can strangers on a text help. But I don´t really have anyone else in my life now.
Or do something to get into a social context, I´d like to not work with the computer. But then the thought of me just quitting that anyway occurs, so I don´t even try. I am fatigued. And whenever I do get into a social group, I hate it. People treat me bad, I can´t express my feelings and thoughts.
I hate people, of course I do know that it is my behavior that needs to change. When Roosh mentioned in one of his videos that most guys do not succeed because they do not have the work ethic, it made me really demotivated. Why would he say that?
I also take testosterone replacement therapy.
Quote: (11-29-2018 12:45 PM)BBinger Wrote:
Quote: (11-28-2018 11:26 PM)playeronecheck Wrote:
My game is pretty much nonexistant now, I exhausted the girls online. I live in Chiang Mai in northern Thailand. I barely speak any thai and my cold approach game is very bad, I am not even doing it because it seems so often when I go out it ends in me not doing any.
It may be time to learn the language or move on to somewhere you speak, or care enough to learn the language.
Find someone, whether it be a counselor, mentor, guru, pastor, or language tutor that you can make the habit of talking to. You are embedded in a society where you get to see everyone else going about "normal" lives, but you can't meaningfully interact with them and that shit is as isolating as hell. It sounds like you are in a pretty deep depression and the fact that you can't discern a place in the social hierarchy in your current situation may be contributing.
It sounds like it may be time to work on a plan to retreat to somewhere that you aren't at such a strong language handicap or start talking to everyone in your current location who speaks English so you can start building a social circle.
yea, the depression, know I have it, but at the same time deny I have it thinking it will help. What is depression? Thinking it does not exist, it is made up, then thinking it is just a frame to fram away.
Now I am basically just working 2.5 hours every day.
What is the point if you do not feel anything with people? If you do not get this whole relationship thing.
I see the world totally through, fuck, when I write, or when I speak, I change what I want to say due to fear of how it will impact what you think of me and how it will setup the frame for the future. I have an incredibly hard time with telling the truth, you this idea stuck in me when I watched a video from charisma matrix where he spoke of how you can´t ignore things because then that subciously affects you.
I don´t know guys, I thought you could help, now this is what I have. My life, it is just an effort to speak and write. My life has been closing my eyes, yes you can start to improve, but then how much and what to do, I am a total fraud. I am aggressive even before I have met people, but think it is bad so act nice. Makes me feel like a fraud. Slow in conversations, not there, cant participate. Want to make a woman happy. Feel let down so much in my life.
Get ideas that I am convinced is the next step, then dont follow through, stuck. Now I have this idea of moving to a place where there is no pollen because I have fatigue from it.
Yea, depression, then you are lonely and nobody wants to be with you, then you are more depressed from the loneliness.
I mean yea I need to start doing things, I feel and think two times at the same time. I know excercise helps, but it doesnt, therapy helps, but it does not.
I think and act that if I am mean to people they will reward me. I think and act that if I do not give value I will get back. That I will get attention.
I don´t think I have learned anything at all from pickup, there is the vague notion of wanting to become someone else, to become masculine, to have people respect me, to improve my social skills, that what is holding me back in life is how I act towards people, and if I can just become cool or whatever then I will want to live. I know I am speaking too low, but I dont do anything about it, I did got to a private tutor just for singing, not speech therapist directly as it should be. My life is just this fragmented approach of always coming up with new ideas that this is the big problem to be solved, I do not fucking know. I am confused, I think. As I said, whats the point in living if you have some mental thing where you cant really keep up in interactions with people, where you are somewhere else. Dreaming, then thinking you are not dreaming and you are normal. Then doubting that.
I dont trust anyone anymore, reject people based on things they say that will affect me negatively. or if they do the slightest little thing that is wrong according to the many game books I have read. thinking they are a loser or something like that and I do not want to become like them "we become like the 5 people we spend the most time with".
Going in and out of periods where pickup is bullshit, distancing myself from it, then starting reading again about guys banging all these hot women and I want to do that too...
Even doubting now if I should write this.
But anyway, now I have no one. I was friends, or so I believed, with that guy that ended up costing me 12 000 usd.
I have been questioning my own sexuality, maybe I am gay? Because this all feels so wrong, to talk to women, to take the initiative, to lead. I want them to lead, I communicate in indirect ways, I think my thinking is very female. Then its about school and all that making me this way, and I have to become this other person. I am picking on myself, opressing my beta self. need to become alpha....
now having thoughts about wanting to have a bad influence on this forum, gays are not allowed to post here, but I do not know if I am, but I think it sometimes, and then I deny deny deny it and push those thoughts away.
been spending alot of money in my life because I want attention and company, therapist, private trainer, now recently girlfriend, go out and buy things just to get some social interaction...
mind going back and forth, even right now, doubting if I should write. being afraid of people taking my money or me wasting it.
know I have something mental going on, but then thinking oh the doctors dont care, you know? And I am too fatigued too keep going anyway.
know people see me as a mental case and loser, then deny it strongly, the thing I am so afraid about and sad about people knowing. It is why I do not talk much.
I am really sad now because it ended badly with the girlfriend, have barely talked to anyone about it. I belive I am this guy with good game but it is totally delusional... i have not gamed much in my life but my identity is kind of built around it...
this is my life now, I dont get things done, I have a todo list, I write it down, but I dont do it, because
i just want to make money and buy sex, but then I dont becaues I cling to this idea that its bad so i dont. I bought sex to lose my virginity, and have been doing it many times after that. just kind of insane I guess.
i dont like the screen, its hard for me to keep in contact with people. know I should ask questions now, but I dont. Im sorry.
fuck guys, i dont know what to do, I am empty, i stopped taking SSRI so that is dragging me down a lot now. its just this whole thing, I doubt it so much, but I barely know what red pill or pickup is. I have read a lot of posts on the forum which probably was not good, watched many of Rooshs videos, and still dont feel like i have any knowledge, which is natural I suppose if you dont take notes. Its more a hate, a hate agaings women and society and the government.
i dont know what to do with my life now, I did mention the pollen thing which actually yesterday I wrote I would make a post here on it. help me achieve my goal of moving somewhere where there is no pollen. I just have such a fucking hard time getting things done, I read the book, tried the system, I read it and I just dont understand really.
So now anyway what is a simple method to get things done or have a todo list? Now I have a todo list, but since I have a really bad working memory and I read on google you should only have it configured so that you see one item at a time. so thats what I have now. Incredibly hard for me to look at my list of things to do to plan, because keeping one item in my head while looking at the other things tends to make the first item slip away from my mind.
I am in this fog, a dream, where I just forget about even trying to get out of it, you know?
Changing my mind, lost in life, no direction, been like this for such a long time. Virtually everything comes from google or reading text on a screen, idea and such. What to do in life...know I should make a schedule, my life is chaos, tried making a schedule before, but its just that a commitment or something happening in the future gives a nervous attack or something and my mind just cannot think about it, it pushes it away. and then I end up throwing the schedule away because it stresses me out and gives so much anxiety, and then end up doing nothing instead, which is what I see for the future, more of nothingness, then sometimes I get it back, I want a hot girlfriend, become a great man. then "no, you have a mental thing, impossible".
Its just that whenever I am getting better, I invariable feel such a resistance, and end up in the slump again. Doing how much is enough anyway? How much do I need to rest, and am I doing too little at the same time. someone on the board said you need to fight aggression aggresively, depression that I do not have, while at the same time having.
and you know guys, life is really scary for me. A normal day feels so long, there is so much time, I dont know what to do with it. But I am in the perfect spot to actually be "working on myself".
i know, I am writing too much now, and need to post and be patient, but i dont, this comes into.
always finding excuses to spend virtually all day in front of the screen, I keep coming back to it. life revolves around the screen, it has been doing it so much, that I dont even know it. but its just that, virtually every day, all day. way too much, but then maybe now. I want to move to a collective farm or something, but then I think no I need to sleep so much I will not be able to do it. I just want to sleep. Now today I went up at 5, 6, yesterday, and just passing the time, not wanting to go to bed during the day, fuck it, fuck it, fuck it.
have a diagnois as well, they treated me so bad, now I feel sorry for myself, is that bad so what? then I reject the diagnosis, saying it is made up for profit. then I believe in it again, been reading so much through google about it over the years, one thing I read was that its part of it that you deny it or think it does not exist, then again if it is made up for profit that is exactly what they could do.
I could not buy clothes for years.
I dont know guys, where to even begin you know. yes councelor, yes I come here seeking advice, then I dont follow it.
its like I am looking for someone to punish me, you know? I am like a woman, like testing people, wanting to be put in my place. was with a girl and she hissed at me when I escalated and it felt so good, the pain in my mind from her voice, it felt so good. maybe because my father never became angry with me.
this is turning into something else now, and maybe its my subconscious sabotaging. I want someone to care for me, but dont want to care for someone else. I want to want to care for someone else. I want to be normal or whatever that is.
Okay, one thing I need to mention guys, which I think is really bad, and I need help to stop it, is the work I am doing.... it is actually something called "adult chat". It is where you chat with men pretending to be a woman, I think it is really bad for my character and mind. Just intuitively its wrong, so low.
But it makes me good money and its the only way I make money now, except for the 440 USD I make every month from renting out my apartment, illegally. Because I have lied to the landlord, I dont have permission to rent it out.
But what you do is really important for your self worth and identity, and it makes me feel so much shame doing it, of course it is going to shine through to women also.
I know this is a long post, but I am really ready to change now. I just need some help and guidance.
Another thing is, concepts is hard for me to keep in my head, like concepts dissolve, such as the law, government, I dont understand. I reject them, I do not know if its because I have consumed too much libertarian/anarchist philosophy or if its my mental thing that began before that.
A little bit I feel like my whole life I have lived in a dream, the surroundings are not quite there, its only me. People are not separate from the material. they dont make me feel anything really.
I am desperately looking for a place to belong, some kind of identity, trying to force it in, trying to read my way to knowing how to behave.
Maybe I am gay.... all my life I have kind of bonded with one male friend at a time, spending a lot of time with them, not wanting to contact them ever, always waiting for them to take the initiative.
still think like this with girls, that its bad too keep coming back to them asking them out, although game wise I know that you should be persistent, then I get another thought that oh no dont do it.
Yes I need to start planning, looking at my todo list and get some of them done, but then its like I go in phases fuck crap.
I want to give value of course, find a way to make money that is decent, but getting a job. When I discovered mystery's book "how to get beautiful women into bed" I thought "why do I need family and friends when I can just learn how to get women through the internet?" and do cold approaches so you basically need to socia life. and I have google for the rest of the information.
It went horribly wrong, and I frequently have thoughts about cutting people out, attacking people, being aggressive. Even to you know and this forum, its like as soon as my mind thinks something can help, it turns against it..
so maybe i am gay or a woman in my mind after all? indecisive, wanting others to lead, actually being downright unable to lead, just do not have that ability at all.
really sensitive for remarks, deathly afraid of criticism which often prevents me from posting or talking. How do you deal with someone being mean to you?
see this is the thing guys, it really is something with my mind, I forget myself, I forget the direction, the purpose, the focus, the fact that this text is already too long, should post and wait for reply.
The computer, it is how I fulfill my social need. Also porn, although now I cannot do it because I only use computer at internet cafe. Go through periods thinking if I stop X, then that will lead me to have social connections.
But actually what I need to do is start doing SOMETHING else first. Not just stop doing what I thing is the bad things.
People tell me, go do that, go to the group activity, but I dont, I just dont. because I am so afraid of someone being mean to me, and it furthering my identity as a beta. you know? cant stand being confronted with my self.
I have just survived for a long time, another issue is money, even when I have enough, I worry all the time. I have tried writing it down what I spent every day, but its like concentrating gives anxiety, learning gives anxiety, so then how can i do anything in my life? If I cannot learn. How can I get out of this, if learning, change it self, causes the neuorotransmitters to make me feel so bad? You know?
Go so a psychiatrist? Done that dosens of times. I just stop doing it regularly, always fine something that they said that made me feel like they damaged me. Take meds? Yes but then I stop taking them. I do feel I am in some kind of semi psychotic state of mind, but then come on taking pills? I did that for a period quite some time ago, but then I stopped. Did it again some period before that. Also took medication for many many years before stopping, just feel like they gave me brain fog and unable to connect with people, which is what I want most, what I yearn for.
Brings me back to why I think I am gay/a woman. Very feminine, want to please, asking for permission, being very timid and waiting for the other to take the lead.
But then again that is the elite right that did this to me so know I need to do all these things to become masculine?
I consume too much information in periods, recently I was kind of opening so many forum threads for two entire days or something. Also watched so many of the roosh videos.
I think this is a problem for me, it happen with internet and with people, with people I am quiet and they talk a lot, then a counter reaction comes after a while where I push back on all the stuff they said that I didn't really agree with but was not strong enough to say anything in the moment, due to being so spaced out. you know?
and this thread too.
now I definitively need to start doing something, its just that what holds me back is always, "yes, but how much?" seems I start doing too many things at the same time. get stressed out, burned out. rinse and repeat for about 15 years.
that's why now I kind of think I need to be smart this time, talk to you guys, has it out, whatever.
this whole day, I have nothing to do, nothing planned, a big problem is feeling stressed from chatting with people, that's how you make plans with girls/ friends right?
cant have it on all the time...not certainly during work. Then what do people do? Go home and start chatting making plans to do something?
But there isnt really anything I enjoy doing. I dont drink because that makes me more depressed, or so is my theory. "if you dont drink you will accelerate your game learning" is something I was thought, but roosh seems to advocate drinking. It is like all the wrong ideas stick in my head, and it leads to still loneliness...so many memories coming up now, from these past two years, I got on the plane to Bangkok, got a girlfriend, she was able to easily lead me to go with her to Phuket, because her family was there she said, she choose a spot for us to live, but it was near prostitutes bars, one day while I was walking there was this girl in a bar that smiled at me, I just went up to her and took her home, payed 9 usd only to take her home, then my gf comes home and discovers us having sex, I knew in the back of my mind that she was supposed to be coming but didnt care. Then she sent some of her brothers to intimidate me.
Going to bangkok, was supposed to take her home to my country because I needed to tend to my business, bought air plane tickets, then couldnt go because the visa for my gf was not the correct one.....
so I have wasted and lost so much money, now I have barely any saving left, one idea would be to go to university to learn something, maybe programming, then I can just live and bang prostitutes, that is really what I see for the future, its nothing really, its totally empty, just make money and have sex with hot girls, there is no dignity in that. but dignity and other concepts are things I barely understand, my mind is loose, empty....I feel a little bit of dignity now, it pays of in the long run, financially also....
it is just that I get panic attacks of being so far behind, I am thirty, but have not experienced much, and time is slowly going away from me, I have magical thinking, a lot. I quit high school, and PU kind of made me think I could get a rich girl and gave me all these weird ideas I suppose. You know, cold approaching, isnt that kind of weird? Doesnt that make you a social paria? That is why you need to travel the world to do it.
Dont you think pickup makes you insane?
The more I think about it, the more I realize now, and I was thinking I would write about this, is that I didn't really learn pickup, it was more about wanting to fit in somewhere, to have some kind of friends or whatever. I bought a workshop because I was so desperately lonely and I thought learning pickup would give me the social skills to not be lonely any more.
I believe I have to become cool, alpha, to get people to like me.
And yes I know that you need to have hobbies etc for a girl to want to be with you or for you to be attractive, but then what are you supposed to do if you don't really find anything that you enjoy? Doing X activity to become attractive or to be able to have a girlfriend doesn't really work, but that is basically what my life has been about for 15 years. I have this magical thinking that comes up, I get visions in my head, where if I do X I will get a girl(friend).
I thought that changing classes in high school would lead to ta girlfriend.
I thought that going on a trip would get me laid.
What is the point of consuming a lot of advice and this forum, if I am just going to pick the wrong advice that corresponds to my already pre existing filter?
It is like my mind is sleeping all the time, and I get these irrational visions, that I follow. You know? I am so disconnected from reality. Its a fantasy world, this pickup and I just jumped into it and started accepting all these ideas without challenging them, trying to cheat at life was what it was.
Buying sex is also cheating.
Do we basically do all things in order to get laid? Or be attractive?
I dont know, yes I am rambling, but that is what I do when I talk to people to, there is no structure, no cohesion. Insane, that is what it is. Then thinking I am not insane, which I am.
So how do i become sane? Fuck.
Tell me what to do, anything.
Join the french legion maybe? But I would just drop out within the week, although then at least I tried doing something...sounds dangerous though.
The computer, its about the only thing that makes me feel safe. Its because I can control it.
My other girlfriend was kind of the leader also, its that making decisions just feel like an effort, kind of impossible to do sometimes.
And now someone might say "symptom of depression". Yea but so what, for a long time I was struggling to get out of depression, whatever that is. But I struggle, get a little better, then it comes back. It is such an empty goal to have, to not be depressed. I actually need to fill my life, my mind, with things, with activities. You know I have spent 15 years maybe 2 hours too much every day in bed, sleeping too much, lieing in bed closing my yes, it all feels too much sometimes, to even think about doing something. Makes me shut down, flee, like before this post, I read the answers, then felt it was too much of an effort to respond, then meditated for 40 min, even though I had already done it for 1 hour today.
If I go to the gym, I don't really lift, I just kind of go around and do it very softly, very very little self control. My dad, lets not talk about him, he he has this spaced out look in his eyes, he is not there, always anxious, and whatever. But he is better then me, he has a 9-5 job, does some activities, but no social life outside of work and the board, pretty much.
I am drifting, I met a girl who told me that, and she was right. Or she made me drift because I accepted her frame, hmm. No she was right. I barely know who I am, I have changed my mind one time, then changed it back. I have had 4 or 5 psychosises. I have been locked up. I feel good from destorying, it gives me pleasure. This is one way of destorying, or just to keep sitting in front of the computer.
So maybe I need to find some way to make money by destroying? But making money is about giving value...unless you are a criminal I suppose.
Another issue, why I dont really want to have sex, is I come within 2 minutes.
I am 6´6/ 198 cm and weigh 95 kg. I have been going to the gym with a personal trainer for 3 months regularly, I have built some muscles. I should eat according to the meal plan, but going to the grocery store is such an effort, finding the things...you know, I am extremely lazy.
And its just that I think that whatever I do, its still not going to change me being spaced out/semi psychotic, and will never be able to connect with people or feel something or keep up the relationship, so what is the point in trying.
I keep going in and out of ideas, take omega 3 to improve memory, then stop taking them. Then start taking them, then do not buy it once it runs out. You know? Its a never ending circle of waste of time and money. Now I googled side effects of the pollen allergy medication I have been taking and saw side effects: nervousness. So I stopped taking them. But then this I have been doing for years, start taking them, stop taking them, forget I have the allergy in the first place, being reminded about it, start taking them again.
Being convinced it gives me fatigue, then forgetting about it.
Now, my goal is: move somewhere where there is no pollen.
Step: talk to doctor about what specific pollen I am allergic to, and ask him where in the world there is none. It is on the 2nd of december. My life is on hold until then, I tend to do that. The next big thing that when I do it will solve everything.
But I really believe it because I read that pollen can give you fatigue, and intuitively I have been knowing it for 15 years, right around when my problems started. I have had visions about it.
The thing is guys, I dont use a calendar. How can I remember to go? I basically have no habits now, I regularly forget to eat.
Yes "check your calendar on the evening before". But how do I actually remember to do that? And anyway what always happens is then I get stressed from all the things that is planned that day, it gives me anxiety, so I stop this habit of using a calendar.
I have basically reading on the internet about how to live life for 20 years without actually doing much. It just feels so good to be lazy, to procrastinate, you know? There is no tomorrow, there is no thought about that, just a big cloud of worry and nothingness. I guess I need to be working on a way to make more money, make something, not just have a job for the rest of my life, which was the plan when coming to Thailand but havent really been working on that for these past two years. And this is the thing I mentioned about concepts being loose, why is this categorized as a periods, countries does not exist, I just moved to another part of the world. Life is continous. I did this, I do this, I destro conceps, nothing exists. I cant fathom things.
Now I am just envisioning living on 440 usd per month for the rest of my life in Thailand, it is not doable and certainly not enjoyable. It does not cover VISA expenses in the long run. But that is my vision for the future, more of nothing, more of just making the bare minimum for food, and then the internet as entertainment. Sleeping alot. Sleeping my life away. Oh my god I have slept away 15 years. As I said, 15 years ago I started sleeping to much, stopped going to high school. FUCK!
I also feel very manipulative with people, sometimes I do not want to go outside or talk to people to not feel like a fraud, concealing my true emotions. That is why I feel like a fraud when I go up to girls, I think they can smell it. It just feels so wrong and unnatural to go up to a girl, you know? Its shameful. Like they don't want it.
Like I know they can sense I have mental issue, but actually its confidence. But what the hell is it? It cannot be understood through reading on text.
I get stuck in things, in bed, now in front of the computer, writing this. I know I should make the post. But there is the me in me, the will, then there is another entity, another person.
If someone tries to help me, I reject them.
About being gay, yea but taking a cock up the ass, that is gay.... so I do not want to do it. But actually with the older gay man I had some fun, and he brought something out in me.
But the red pill does not like gays right?
I mean, I definitively get horny by looking at a hot woman, and don't if looking at a man. So I should not be gay.
But red pill and pickup is all about that the woman can not be in charge right?
Its all about behaving how I believe others wants me to behave. Being totally fake. Like a woman, right? But it doesn't feel right for me and makes me feel bad.
