[Graft]

I have had a lot of friends and women over the years but I’ve had pretty horrible social calibration.

On more than one occasion I have severely hurt my reputation and almost got myself into life changing trouble.

I want to get away from most people from my past, especially my high school and college circles.

My family is pretty broken so leaving them wasn’t an issue.

I’ve gotten in trouble with women before.

I’ve been in a lot of physical altercations.

I’ve looked bad when I express unpopular views.

I never took social media seriously so I’ve looked dumb on it for a long time as well.

I’ve performed shittily early in my career.

I’ve avoided affecting myself legally or employment wise but sometimes the weight if all this is bogging me down with unnecessary guilt, especially 10 or more years since some things happened.

I need to mentally compartmentalize that these incidents are over and the reputation that I have with these people is not relevant. I also need to get over the anger that I have towards my parents for not guiding me better.

I vacationed with a friend early this year that I’ll probably stop hanging out with. He just hears too many negative things about me. Our old friend group decided to stop speaking with me and continually bad mouth me.

It’s an interesting conundrum, but if I forget most of my past, it will give me great peace.

[Sandstorm]

If you don't suffer from depression, this group could help you:

http://www.landmarkworldwide.com/

I did it years ago - very powerful. They are a bit pushy and I don't like the way they market (many people who do it don't either) but it's the real deal. Werner Erhard was a genius. It has a bad rep among many people who find it too confrontational, and some liken it to a cult.

It's not - I've done it, it's fine. Maybe attend a free introduction to see if you think it has any value. It's very much about putting the past in the past where it belongs.

[realologist]

What have you done to change your mindset and actions so you don't make the same mistakes you did before?

You can't control what people will think of you but if you had a bad rep for 20 years it'll probably take 10-20 years of the exact opposite behavior to turn it around.

Either way you can't hide from your past. You have to own and show that you have changed.

[PondScum]

The past is the past, and it's here to stay. But the meaning you give it is malleable.

Try cognitive behaviourial therapy, I haven't personally - it's on my list for this year - but several people I respect have, mostly for issues where they were ruminating over the past. One is an elderly lady, close to 70, we're friends because I've known her son well for something over 15 years, who was in a dark depression when her husband died. She was unfairly beating herself up for all her little failings as a wife and mother, and feeling hopeless, even suicidal, about facing her twilight days, especially as most everyone on her side of the family lives to be a hundred. Well, she had 20 hours of CBT and now she wears her heartbreak like a fine old cape that she uses to extend compassion and empathy. Same experiences, new meaning.

And, of course, I urge you to read the new testament. If you don't believe in anything, that's ok, start by watching Jordan Petersons bible series on YouTube to get the feel for reading the bible as psychological allegory.

And I can recommend volunteering your time doing something charitable.

Be well.

[Marcus187]

(04-02-2018 01:24 PM)Graft Wrote:  

I also need to get over the anger that I have towards my parents for not guiding me better.

I have the same thing. I blame my parents for not giving me the right foundation to succeed in life. I had to figure it out by myself and often family members were more an obstacle in my life then someone I could fall back on.

Because after all: family members are the only people you could/should fall back on. Friends come and go. You will realize this when you get older. Especially in Western countries which are highly individualistic.

I always tell myself that during ancient times you were seen as an adult by the age of 13. This means you had to fix things by yourself. Also, during ancient times most people had no family, because they lost them during famines/accidents/wars etc. Our lives are not that hard if you compare it to what our ancestors had to deal with.

[Mr.WHORES]

Bro. Take a few months or a year and relocate countries. And don't let your past follow you there. You'll be a new born creature with a new identity in a land where nobody knows you and all the hot local pussy waiting to be gamed. You can't change the past breddrin

[getdownonit]

Come to a meetup

[Alpha_Romeo]

What do you think is the root cause of your thoughts/behavior/actions?

[Graft]

When I was younger, pre red pill, I didn't have great readings of social situations. I had a weak father who couldn't guide me and wasn't completely coherent with my actions. Now that I'm more socially aware, I can keep myself in check and understand better. But I actually have disparate IQ sets. In some classes in school I set state records. Others I completely flunked after hours of tutoring and studying.

[cuckhold]

Hello, I am one of those who hides from his past. As a cuckhold, I have to take responsibility for what happened to me. This is why I join the forum now. No more hiding.

[Graft]

I've been thinking about this a lot recently.

Flashback to three years ago:

I had just gotten my first job in my field. I was kicked out of my home, living on the streets. I rented a Uhaul for my belongings. I remember carrying my mattress by myself, up three flights of steps, to a small studio apartment. I moved everything in over the course of a few days, one by one. I had maybe 3k to my name.

I got laid off from that job. And the job after that. My entire group of friends ghosted me. My parents left me for dead. My girlfriend left me after a few months. Half the guys I grew up with were dead or close to it. It was just me in the world. I was on my own. It was do or die.

I had no friends. I had no family. I had no money. My social calibration was poor. I got pussy once in a while.

Most people with their shit together would have called me a loser.

When I look back at this time period of my life, this is the time of my life that I'm most proud of. I was lifting like a maniac, interviewing for jobs, taking nighttime classes, working a paycheck to paycheck job, scratching and clawing to get to the top. When I compare myself with all the trust fund guys I've met, guys that never moved out of their parents house, even guys that were able to land six figure jobs with their innate intelligence-there was no one in the first world that was more brave than me.

I remember how difficult it was to make something out of nothing, how to learn how to be a man on the internet when my father was a worthless piece of shit. How to cold call people on Linkedin and beg them just to answer a few questions for mentorship.

I still have emotional scars from this period of my life. Unless you've been left to die by literally the entire world, with no money and no marketable skills, you can't fully understand.

I ended up getting a great job in my industry and made a killing. Now top tech companies are hitting my phones and offering great comp packages. I fucking made it happen, out of literally nothing. No money, no skills, no mentors, no love.

I may have gotten scarred from this period, but I won't mentally hide from this point in my life. I'm a goddamn fucking warrior, and I'm proud of my 24 year old self.

This is my creed: If anyone leaves me, whether it's a woman, my family, or my friends-they can fucking suck it. I didn't need them then and I sure as hell don't need them now.

[Heuristics]

I've moved 6 times in the past three years. I try not to dwell on it. In addition, I've left the country more times than I care to count, than I have visited say like one town over. When i was in smaller towns I was paranoid about people getting to know me. In the city I was worried about people not getting to know me.

I have run the gamut of social circles at this point. Artists, punks, bohemians, rich kids, hood rats, middle class kids, rednecks, college kids, and so on. It's not hard to make friends, you just put yourself out there. Everyone I have cut off from high school. From college I am only in contact with two people semi-regularly. They're a lot like me. Introverted, a bit distant, but serious partyiers. We're spread out all over the country and never see each other. A bit sad really. A couple friends got into careers they love. The rest of us are more serious about memes, watching sports or drinking. It's a pitiful situation really.

I've made too many mistakes to count. But the anonymity of the city has always mitigated their impacts. I never did anything that bad really.

But I try to keep positive. I have friends all over the world, and they don't care about my screwups or my past. I know exactly how many of them would drop their shit to help me if they had too. At the end of the day that's all that matters. Improvise. Adapt. Overcome

[GT777733]

You are probably suffering from trauma (from you past).

Read back what you wrote in this thread, and then read about the effects on trauma on self image, behavior etc. I guarantee you'll see connections.

You're living with one foot in your past and one foot in your future - and it's causing you to be uncertain about yourself (which weakens you and makes you run thoughts over and over in your head) and impairing your ability to make healthy decisions for your future.

You probably need to:
1) fully understand your trauma (read about it more), where it's coming from, and how it's impacting your decision making ability and mental self image

2) set clear and healthy life goals and behavioral guidelines for yourself going forward (so that if you stray from them you know why and how, and you can more clearly identify ways to get yourself back on track. This will also be helpful if you catch yourself replaying or sinking back into negative thought loops from the past)

3) become fully aware of how you are coming across to others - continue to weed out any behaviors that might be pushing good people away. It's possible you may still be sabotaging yourself in some ways

4) Push away people from your past (at least right now) that make your feel weak and shitty/guilt ridden

5) Change up your life so that you can create a new future for yourself, and give yourself permission to do that. Logically tell yourself that you aren't the same person from the past, and there's no reason things will continue to be the way they were. You can tell yourself the future will be different all you want - but if you aren't doing things to physcially create it and to physcially meet new people, it won't happen. Brainstorm some ways you can do this, and start trying them when you have the rest of your shit together

6) Think about the things in your life that you have that other people never got the opportunity to have (those who were born in the third world), and find ways you can give back to society or make things better (this will get you focussed off of just you and your needs)

[Graft]

(02-25-2019 11:23 PM)GT777733 Wrote:  

You are probably suffering from trauma (from you past).

Read back what you wrote in this thread, and then read about the effects on trauma on self image, behavior etc. I guarantee you'll see connections.

You're living with one foot in your past and one foot in your future - and it's causing you to be uncertain about yourself (which weakens you and makes you run thoughts over and over in your head) and impairing your ability to make healthy decisions for your future.

You probably need to:
1) fully understand your trauma (read about it more), where it's coming from, and how it's impacting your decision making ability and mental self image

I have trauma for sure, thanks for pointing this out. In the past I didn't have the money to pay for therapy, but now I can address some issues. It's quite possible that I have some form of PTSD. In my mind, there are a few causes for trauma:

1. Childhood physical and emotional abuse, getting kicked out of my house
2. My first breakup and social fallout that I received from that
3. Early career failures, financial instability, my psychopath father exacerbating the problem by taunting me
4. My second girlfriend leaving me in the middle of #3
5. Overall loneliness and dealing with these problems by myself and with ROK/RVF

2) set clear and healthy life goals and behavioral guidelines for yourself going forward (so that if you stray from them you know why and how, and you can more clearly identify ways to get yourself back on track. This will also be helpful if you catch yourself replaying or sinking back into negative thought loops from the past)

I don't know how to stop the negative thought loops

3) become fully aware of how you are coming across to others - continue to weed out any behaviors that might be pushing good people away. It's possible you may still be sabotaging yourself in some ways

quite true, I was a psychotic mess in my previous romantic relationships

4) Push away people from your past (at least right now) that make your feel weak and shitty/guilt ridden

this is easy, fuck them. No one had my back in the dark days.

5) Change up your life so that you can create a new future for yourself, and give yourself permission to do that. Logically tell yourself that you aren't the same person from the past, and there's no reason things will continue to be the way they were. You can tell yourself the future will be different all you want - but if you aren't doing things to physcially create it and to physcially meet new people, it won't happen. Brainstorm some ways you can do this, and start trying them when you have the rest of your shit together

6) Think about the things in your life that you have that other people never got the opportunity to have (those who were born in the third world), and find ways you can give back to society or make things better (this will get you focussed off of just you and your needs)

It's tough to give a shit about anyone in the third world or anyone in general when I went through what I went through. I don't even need to compare myself to the third world, I just compare with where I was during the story

[ShotgunUppercuts]

P4L

[BroodingSea]

Mate don't over analyse. This is life. Experience. We all. Change. Mutate. Learn. And make mistakes. You're doing it right. We all ask ourselves these questions and have the same doubts.

[DarkTriad]

"He ran down the court like he was running from somebody he never wanted to be again."

- A quote about Dennis Rodman

A fresh start in a new setting can help a lot, but make sure you genuinely work to improve yourself, or you'll just end up in the same place anyway.

[el mechanico]

It's not like you have warrants in multiple states and have to use an alias. If you live out west then I'd say it's the other peoples fault.

[luigi]

My mother was the typical that any sane person would run away from. Bipolar, depressive, maniac, delusions of grandeur (sorry used google translator for this) and probably more. The weakling that hopes to marry a rich, successful and attractive guy to drain him, what he did to my father basically. She had changes of humor and she beat me from time to time, i cannot remember any good moment with her. She is still alive but i couldnt care less about her, havent spoken to her in a decade besides a few emails where she plays the victim.

The relationship with my father was good, but not strong. My mother always talked me shit about him, i knew it wasnt truth, but i think it played part. We also were introverts and didnt really express love to each other (for example no hugs past my teenage years or memorable father-son times on adult age). We just had a nice relationship, something between father and friend.

Ive been "beta" if you wish, until i was 24 or 25. Have some attention deficit disorder so i didnt get good grades, im the only in my family without university education (just superior technical, one level below) and also wasnt the best worker on my jobs.

Now to my point: i focus on the bright side. They educated me to be kind to others, well mannered, made sure i learned english from a young age, tried to squeeze my intelligence all they could.

Leave the past. You are what you are now, probably a wonderful person, focus on the positive things you've received, there has to be many, you dont need to hide or "restart" somewhere else, be a representation of the good things that you have, not the bad.