[Hephaestus]

Every time a choice is made, every time a die is rolled, a new universe is born.
A cascade of events and bad choices has led me to being an 30+ NEET, socially isolated man with little to show for it. Yes, I have a tonne of excuses, good ones and not-so-good ones, but I'm not here for sympathy, I'm here to be held to account by a community of men focussed on being their best.

Focusing on the future, I would say only two excuses are both unchangable and relevent; Extremely poor focus/motivation, Poor hearing/'deaf voice'.

My concentration/willpower/motivation: I had a stroke some time around my birth burning away much of the Circlet of Willis and other areas. I was a significantly disabled child but due to the magic of neuroplasicidity, I had mostly recovered by my late teens, all that I really lack now is willpower and motivation. I can waste literally days on the internet if I don't have someone actively demanding my focus. When I don't have the internet, I waste time procractinating or being "tired". I've stayed away from drugs/booze/MMORPGs as I don't want to risk a new addiction. Binge eating is another problem I have to deal with, but I'm successfully managing it by not storing more than a days worth of easy to eat energy-dense food at home.

My voice/hearing: I'm moderately deaf in both ears. I can just about communicate without a hearing aid but I find it mentally taxing and difficult without seeing their lips. I've been using a hearing aid for almost two years now and it helps, but doesn't undo the years of isolation and underperformance in the classroom. How should I describe my voice? Well, it is very high pitched and childlike/feminine, which can be disconcerting since I'm a 6'2" gymrat. This is partially masked by my slightly-posh British accent, and when speaking a foreign language.

Rationale for writing this log.
This is not my first time trying to build a better life for myself. I've dropped out of more courses than most people have ever started. Several times I've built systems to augment my motivation and momentum, but I'm my worst enemy and always find a flaw, or an outside event knocks me off my feet, and I stumble getting back on track.

At the end of every log entry, I will write a date/deadline for my next entry. Should I miss it, I'd appreciate if people post or message me. At the current time I am not looking for any advice when it comes to conventional ways to improve my intrinsic CWM, as my difficulties are neurological in nature.

Immediate plans:
Before 10am Wednesday UTC , I'll write a log of what I accomplished. I'm spending today thinking and finalising the initial tools I'll need.
I'll hopefully be able write a log entry at least every two days.

I won't write anything big about my goals or dreams for at least a month, as I want to earn my backpats, instead of just signalling for them.

[flanders]

What's your first step? Do you plan on getting a job?

[Hephaestus]

Log#1

Generally happy with my progress today. From 5am and taking regular brakes, I worked through the first six chapters of "Python Crash Course" and worked through every example using either the command line or a visualiser. I noted 20 tricky concepts into Anki flashcards. Around 2pm, I simply became too tired to continue so I hit the velodrome for 45 minutes and came back to read a chapter of a mass-market non-fiction book on the science of remembering.(9 years ago my memory and mnemonic knowledge must have been easily top 95%, but it has atrophied whilst I've been in the wilderness, let's hope I'll be back to my previous ability and beyond soon)

(08-14-2018 12:31 AM)flanders Wrote:  

What's your first step? Do you plan on getting a job?

I've tried and tried. I'm trying to stay future-focused, so I won't talk about how hard finding work for someone like me is. Now I am 100% focussed on improving my personal skills so that I can develop software solutions to give back to society. Worries about credentials and work-experience are no longer things that will keep me up at night.

Update schedule:
I will post again before 10am Thursday UTC.
I will do something social on Friday, but I should update on Saturday.

[Hephaestus]

Log #2

Due to the 75 mg of armodafinil and three cups of black tea yesterday to get my commitment off to a good start, I found it really hard to get to sleep. I went to bed at 8:50 but couldn't get to sleep before 10pm despite having some melatonin at 7:30.

The real disaster was waking up 90 minutes later and not being able to get back to sleep at all. I cannot remember a single time I managed to get back to sleep after waking up, but then again, I wouldn't remember the times I was successful.

Despite the extreme sleep deprivation, I managed to do 2hrs of coding drills in Windows powershell instead of in an IDE, as I wanted to catch my errors as soon as I made them.

Afterwards, when I got too tired I found out you could watch video files in Windows Photos, so for once, I am glad I overlooked blocking it.

I'm just about to exercise, and will get an early night.

Expect a proper update on Friday or Saturday.

[Duke Main]

Lack of sleep is a BITCH! Proper sleep is the original performance enhancing drug. I don't understand most of what you're talking about, but keep on keeping on.

[the Thing]

(08-16-2018 12:20 AM)Duke Main Wrote:  

Lack of sleep is a BITCH! Proper sleep is the original performance enhancing drug. I don't understand most of what you're talking about, but keep on keeping on.

+1 on proper sleep. I battled with mad insomnia my entire life. 2hrs vs 8hrs sleep will mean a world of difference.

Talk to a doctor and get an Ambien script. "But chemicals blabla" If you can't sleep, you can't sleep.. use it until you find the root cause and/or can sleep a full night natty.

[Hephaestus]

(08-16-2018 12:20 AM)Duke Main Wrote:  

Lack of sleep is a BITCH! Proper sleep is the original performance enhancing drug. I don't understand most of what you're talking about, but keep on keeping on.

(08-16-2018 04:54 PM)the Thing Wrote:  

+1 on proper sleep. I battled with mad insomnia my entire life. 2hrs vs 8hrs sleep will mean a world of difference.

Agreed, I had zero caffeine or armodafinil today. They bring me from 70% to 100% but insomnia knocks me straight down to 20%.

Thank you for the suggestion about ambien, but I normally don't need more than quiet and a little melatonin to get into a deep sleep, it's returning to sleep that's my big issue. Maybe I should get ambien just so I can have a plan B to help me be work ready on the days I am awoken.

Anyway, back to my log. Log #3

I fucked up with unblocking my phone this morning and wasted several hours staring at a 6" small screen. Normally this would have wrecked any progress for the whole day, but I managed to pull myself together, and did three solid hours of coding study and 2 hours of Chinese listening practice.

This whole logging thing has given me the drive not to give up on a wasted day. I'll definitely keep going with it.

The video is only 1 and a half minutes (compressed down from 2 hours, as I forgot to press record for the final hour

[Cattle Rustler]

Go work in the mines brah. Bullshitting with a bunch of blue collar men and convicts who will be fucking with you will guarantee you develop social skills.

[BBinger]

Good luck on your adventure. Have you tried Home Depot? Part time gigs that leave you time for self improvement projects while practicing Spanish?

[Hephaestus]

Log #4:

I got out of bed at 4ish raring to test something I learnt yesterday, something that hasn't happened for years. I'm really feeling this time will be different. Each day I'm in a better position then I was before.

I met up with DreamMedicine in the afternoon and amongst other things, he gave me his perspectives on motivation. He's a great guy.

No video this time, as I'm lazy.

(08-17-2018 04:59 AM)Cattle Rustler Wrote:  

Go work in the mines brah. Bullshitting with a bunch of blue collar men and convicts who will be fucking with you will guarantee you develop social skills.

That's actually a good idea, but I'm very clumsy. The last time I worked in a restaurant, I was actually paying them for all the plates I broke.

(08-17-2018 10:14 PM)BBinger Wrote:  

Good luck on your adventure. Have you tried Home Depot? Part time gigs that leave you time for self improvement projects while practicing Spanish?

I'm thousands of miles from the nearest Home Depot, but I guess the Aussie equivalent is fruit picking which I've done before when I was between homes. Socially it was great, and it kept me from my addictions, but I'd need to travel hundreds of miles to where the temporary work is and since I'm renting a great place right now and don't have a car, it's not for me.

[Cattle Rustler]

You'll either not be clumsy because the danger of having a finger cut off/death will be on your mind....or you will end up limbless or die.

[Hephaestus]

(08-18-2018 08:09 PM)Cattle Rustler Wrote:  

You'll either not be clumsy because the danger of having a finger cut off/death will be on your mind....or you will end up limbless or die.

You want me as far away as possible from any explosives.



Log #5a (Sunday)
I attended a few social events on Sunday along with successfully cold approaching two sets of girls. Had a great time and got back late (not what you think unfortunately)

Log #5b (Monday)
Woke up about 6 but only got to work at 7:45 as I was daydreaming and listening to music. Had about 3 hours of solid study until my housemate was quarreling with his violent GF. Hats off to the Australian police for arresting her and not her victim.

Wasn't very productive after that, though I did force myself to continue. I played around with new ways to use what I learnt and added a few more tricks to my repertoire.

I did manage to video my day, but unfortunately my setup blocks all non-academic websites except for RVF after 7.30, so I'll have to upload it tomorrow.

Tomorrow will be a new chance to have a productive day. I know I've been giving a lot of excuses. Bad sleep, cute girls, noisy house. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[BlueOcean01]

You're on the right track learning how to code my friend. If you need any tips on getting freelance work just let me know. A lot of people shy away from it, but if you like JavaScript and focus on React and React Native you can build up a profile in roughly a month and start getting jobs for $60-80/hour. You need to know what you're doing, of course.

Best of luck my friend! I'll be watching your progress.

[Hephaestus]

(08-20-2018 12:18 PM)BlueOcean01 Wrote:  

You're on the right track learning how to code my friend. If you need any tips on getting freelance work just let me know. A lot of people shy away from it, but if you like JavaScript and focus on React and React Native you can build up a profile in roughly a month and start getting jobs for $60-80/hour. You need to know what you're doing, of course.

Best of luck my friend! I'll be watching your progress.

Thank you very much for the encouragement. I'll certainly move on to react.js third after I get a solid foundation in python and review basic javascript. One problem I've had before was jumping between languages instead of learning them in the context of others.

I know the basics of using javascript for webdesign, but I'm really out of practice, and don't want any cross-interference.

Now on to my log.
I was awoken by three police officers in my bedroom late at night who were there to collect my violent housemate's stuff as she couldn't legally return to the house. I managed to get back to sleep eventually but I was still pretty tired.

I continued practicing what I already knew and trying the code in new situations. I got tired early, but I'm all ready for tomorrow.


Here's yesterday's log.

And here's today's

[BlueOcean01]

(08-21-2018 03:02 AM)Hephaestus Wrote:  

(08-20-2018 12:18 PM)BlueOcean01 Wrote:  

You're on the right track learning how to code my friend. If you need any tips on getting freelance work just let me know. A lot of people shy away from it, but if you like JavaScript and focus on React and React Native you can build up a profile in roughly a month and start getting jobs for $60-80/hour. You need to know what you're doing, of course.

Best of luck my friend! I'll be watching your progress.

Thank you very much for the encouragement. I'll certainly move on to react.js third after I get a solid foundation in python and review basic javascript. One problem I've had before was jumping between languages instead of learning them in the context of others.

I know the basics of using javascript for webdesign, but I'm really out of practice, and don't want any cross-interference.

Now on to my log.
I was awoken by three police officers in my bedroom late at night who were there to collect my violent housemate's stuff as she couldn't legally return to the house. I managed to get back to sleep eventually but I was still pretty tired.

I continued practicing what I already knew and trying the code in new situations. I got tired early, but I'm all ready for tomorrow.


Here's yesterday's log.

And here's today's

Keep up the good work! Take it one step at a time and you'll get to where you want to be.

I read my post and it may come off misleading. What I meant to say is if you know React and React Native and have experience with them you can take that skill set and become a well paid freelancer, not that someone can pickup React/React Native in < 1 month and make $60-80/hour. Just clarifying that.

[Hephaestus]

(08-21-2018 02:26 PM)BlueOcean01 Wrote:  

I read my post and it may come off misleading. What I meant to say is if you know React and React Native and have experience with them you can take that skill set and become a well paid freelancer, not that someone can pickup React/React Native in < 1 month and make $60-80/hour. Just clarifying that.

I knew it was too good to be true or everyone would do it. That's not to say it's not still motivating. I'll have to just adjust my sights to become a highly-paid 33 year old, instead of a highly-paid 32 year old.

Daily Log #7:
Had modafinil and tea in the morning and was super driven to do stuff. Learnt a lot of stuff but I wasted a lot of time trying to force through a bottleneck and even more learning intermediate syntax conventions. From now on, I'll have multiple non-dependent tasks so I can jump tracks if I hit a bottleneck instead of wasting time.

I accidentally fucked up my computer a bit trying to remove my real name from my filesystem, but I've fixed it now. That's why I only recorded half my day. I kept my cool and found a solution... eventually.

The biggest positive about today is I've become more comfortable using the command line and finally breaking into the world outside of simulated exercises.

[Hephaestus]

Daily Log #8
Did some coding drills on codewars for an hour, but otherwise nothing. I got in a bad mood over the past and played Assassin's Creed all day.

Daily Log #9
Unproductive morning, as I was reading about the leadership challenge in Australia.

More productive after 9, as I actually got practing and improving new things.
Hit a bottleneck, and switched to reading OOP theory.

As I'm still getting into the flow of things, I consider a day a success if I'm in a better position tomorrow than yesterday. Next week I'll take closer note of productivity.

I can use more functions and tests today than I could yesterday. That's progress and small momentum is still momentum.

I'll post another update this time tomorrow.

[RatInTheWoods]

Mate you are 30+

Time to stop "learning" and start earning.

If you want to learn and improve your position, do it after you have earned your daily income.

Do you want to be 50 and still "learning".

[BaatumMania]

Just be like Daniel "Hiding in my Room" on YouTube. He's a super NEET who met some Japanese MILF on a dating app and she pays for all his stuff (and he's not even a white dude but rather a mixed mutt).

[Hephaestus]

(08-24-2018 07:59 PM)RatInTheWoods Wrote:  

Mate you are 30+
Time to stop "learning" and start earning.
If you want to learn and improve your position, do it after you have earned your daily income.
Do you want to be 50 and still "learning".

I've tried for years to find work. No one wants someone who's been in the wilderness for so long. I've even been rejected from the kind of jobs I was doing as a teen. I have no references, no family connections(my parents are both significantly disabled and overseas) and I'm "privileged" (This is as political as I'm going to get here)

My efforts are better suited creating a job for myself then taking one. I have made decent progress in the last 10 days and based on my lifestyle and family history, I've got at least 23,000 days left to leave a positive mark on the world if I keep the momentum up. The deadline I've set for myself is to pay at least $1 of tax within 150 days.

(08-24-2018 08:11 PM)BaatumMania Wrote:  

Just be like Daniel "Hiding in my Room" on YouTube. He's a super NEET who met some Japanese MILF on a dating app and she pays for all his stuff (and he's not even a white dude but rather a mixed mutt).

I've heard worse ideas; Game saves lives.
Jokes aside, I have more enough guilt over accepting newstart benefits for so long to live off someone else. I'm avoiding applying for higher benefits because an easy life wouldn't motivate me to improve.

Log #10
Modifinil and lack of exercise kept me up, so I did less intellectually demanding stuff.

Sleep Sleep Sleep; I seem to naturally wake up at ~4.40 so staying up late directly subtracts from the sleep I get. Modafinil loses its focus promoting effect before it loses its wakefulness promoting effect. Maybe I should drop my dose to a third of a tab? A quarter isn’t effective.

Exercise is an issue. My quick cardio to clear my head during the day doesn’t seem to help much in the evening. I’ll try hitting the gym at 4.20pm and see if that helps. My goal is to be asleep before 9pm.

So what did I accomplish today?
I read Morten Cooper's "Winning with your voice", and am slowly but noisily working through the exercises. I think it is helping, as I think my weird voice has really held me back, and I'm already feeling an improvement. Afterwards I read a geopolitics book.

[DarkTriad]

Good luck in your journey brother!

[Hephaestus]

Log #11

I've finally moved on to the pygame module in python. It's good to finally see your code represented graphically.

I hit some roadblocks when I didn't prepare ahead of time. I skimmed the chapter ahead and have already downloaded everything I'll need.

The internet blocker on my phone is disabled if I go into safe mode, so I'm looking to jailbreak my phone so that I can uninstall chrome and facebook. I'm too tired to do that at the present moment, but that'll be one less distraction.

[[email protected]]

I agree about the earning over learning. I myself fell into this trap where i overcredentialed myself and nobody fucking cared. You'll need to take bigger risks, OP

[Maistre]

How are you paying rent? You got them NEETbux?

[Hephaestus]

(08-26-2018 08:13 AM)[email protected] Wrote:  

I agree about the earning over learning. I myself fell into this trap where i overcredentialed myself and nobody fucking cared. You'll need to take bigger risks, OP

This might be good advice for me in 4 months but for now, I'm focusing on being less useless.

(08-26-2018 07:29 PM)Maistre Wrote:  

How are you paying rent? You got them NEETbux?

I live in a shared house and pay for it using unemployment benefit. Fortunately the rent is low as it used to be below a flightpath and the landlord has yet to adjust the rent to take into account the newfound quietness. I live cheaply so money isn't a problem for me.

Log #12
Absolutely nothing. I lost control and had to reset a certain month-long counter in the morning and it really destroyed what little drive I had that day. I gamed and made no progress.

Log #13
Hitting some frustrations but I switched task and regained momentum.
I'm experimenting with turning off windows explorer to stop me flicking between windows or disabling my screen recorder.

Ironically, I forgot to enable my reader, but the theory still works.

Now, a quick question, can anyone recommend a good audio player without the capacity to play videos? Windows Groove Music doesn't play nice if you disable Windows Explorer.