[superiorClimber]

I'm applying for a high-paying job right now that requires some intense background screenings, and I'm looking for advice to handle my family through the process. I've been told to expect some sort of check into my relationships with them, and its a bit of a wild-card as to whether I'll get through the process if my family says anything unexpected.

So, here's a run-down of what I'm dealing with:

- Beta-male father is a successful doctor, but is completely dominated by my mother and doesn't stand up for his sons. He spent most of my childhood working and wasn't a strong father beyond providing financially for me and my brothers.

- Mother is a highly judgmental know-it-all who is heavily focused on her religious community, and doesn't really get past her narcissistic worldview when dealing with her children. She's extremely passive-aggressive, and will often quietly shoot my opportunities down when they don't fit her world-view. I've dropped hints that she may be hearing back about this soon, but haven't really said anything beyond that.

- one Beta-male brother is in a co-dependent marriage with a hideous woman who dominates him in every way - Classic situation of a guy marrying the first girl who is nice to him. She doesn't pick up a finger, and plays on my brother's complete insecurity in his life - to the point that he tends to get highly resentful of me and is constantly stressed out. We've had a pretty strong relationship over the years, but recently things have turned rocky and his wife is pulling in more and more of his attention. I also shared with him my concerns about his wife before he got married, but they've been together for 15 years and I kind of gave up talking about it.

- another Beta-male brother who has a toddler, is a fairly stable family man, and is married to another domineering woman who takes after my mom. He's a fairly simple guy who doesn't shake things up, and is pretty focused on dealing with his child to create any problems through this process.

My big concern really comes down to how to handle my mother and co-dependent, resentful brother. I'm worried either of them could absolutely destroy my chances at this really solid opportunity by saying something stupid or disqualifying about me if they get interviewed.

Any thoughts on how to manage these relationships before this all starts? How do I take control of the situation, without tipping them off about what I want them to say?

[Jetset]

If this is a U.S. federal security clearance, the odds are that they will reach out to you to follow up on anything "off-color".

Investigators have done this a thousand times before, they know all about personalities and that people have complex relationships with family. If one relative starts trying to pit them against you, there's a good chance they'll see that for what it is and roll their eyes at each other on the way out the door. If something is said that is actually substantive and interesting, they'll likely investigate further and ask for your side of it. Do not lie or try to out-maneuver them, they've seen all that and will be looking for it as evidence that you can't be trusted.

"Substantive" and "interesting" here does not mean "he is a jerk". It means "here are examples of things he has done that make him a blackmail/bribery/criminal risk".

I would not expect them to reach out to every single family member. Your own personal circle is more interesting to them.

[jamaicabound]

Congrats on the potential job. In regards to your family aside from saying every male in your family is beta, doesn't really tell us anything about your relationship with them or your past. Unless you have a shitty family I would highly doubt any of them is going to say anything to intentionally tank your chances. You kind of alluded to that but why would they go out of their way to fuck you over.

I think trying to prep them for the interview is going to do more harm than good or they may even be offended you think they would fuck you over. I'd just tell them you're applying for a job that is a great opportunity and that you're really excited about and just leave it at that and let them do the right thing.

[Dragan]

The family isn't even the relevant factor really, they're going to answer pretty honestly.

The other people you put as references are really more the issue: landlords, friends, girlfriends, past associates. For example, if you were doing drugs with one of your friends, and you put on the form no drugs, you're already being honest. People are gonna answer honestly unless they were coached beforehand (I don't condone such things).

Or, if you were a loud tenant throwing ragers at your place, that definitely may come up when they talk to a former landlord. A lot of the stuff is common sense really.

I've made myself pretty familiar with the process, and I had a friend who was going through a similar situation, and I read the forms they used and about the process, and I told him all this stuff.

Also stuff like knowing foreign nationals, or foreign travel, or living abroad, is gonna be a lot bigger deal than a mother or father unless you were doing drugs in front of them...

[superiorClimber]

Hmm...it sounds like I don't have any real space to influence beyond letting them know someone may visit them, and that I'm applying for this really good position.

I brought up the all the insecurity issues because I'm concerned they will all freak out when someone with authority knocks on their door and starts asking direct questions about me. These aren't the type of people who will stay quiet and say less than is necessary. I don't expect my brother for example to say we fight or something small like that...more concerned that he creates "off-color" issues by saying too much.

Anyone been through a screening like this?

[RatInTheWoods]

Give your family the heads up they are coming so they don't get freaked out.

Plead with them not to fuck it up for you.

[Jetset]

(04-25-2018 03:19 PM)superiorClimber Wrote:  

I brought up the all the insecurity issues because I'm concerned they will all freak out when someone with authority knocks on their door and starts asking direct questions about me. These aren't the type of people who will stay quiet and say less than is necessary. I don't expect my brother for example to say we fight or something small like that...more concerned that he creates "off-color" issues by saying too much.

Honestly, your over-sharing brother will probably do more to damage his own credibility than yours.

I get that you're excited about the job and nervous about this. Take a deep breath and relax. Unless he has some real dirt on you about selling drugs to make the minimum payments on maxed-out credit cards or that time you tried to get him to split an underage hooker in Thailand or something, it's almost certainly going to be fine.

[This Is Trouble]

What is the screening exactly? From what I saw it wasn’t specified. I’ve been through TS level screening but quit the corporate life before it was granted.

[superiorClimber]

Government security clearance for contract work

[Dragan]

(04-26-2018 12:41 PM)superiorClimber Wrote:  

Government security clearance for contract work

Ever worried about the fact that you're on a "subversive" forum asking people for security screening advise?

I mean... there's records of everything man...

[Salvadore]

Can you not just have a close friend as your reference instead of your family members?

Otherwise there are people on Fiverr who will pretend to be your brother or sister for $ 5 and say whatever you want them to say.

https://www.fiverr.com/mrskeishaking/pro...edad832c24

[Dragan]

(04-26-2018 01:31 PM)Salvadore Wrote:  

Can you not just have a close friend as your reference instead of your family members?

Otherwise there are people on Fiverr who will pretend to be your brother or sister for $ 5 and say whatever you want them to say.

https://www.fiverr.com/mrskeishaking/pro...edad832c24

Hmmm. You know they make visits right?

[Salvadore]

(04-26-2018 01:37 PM)Dragan Wrote:  

Hmmm. You know they make visits right?

Aalright. I just read and assumed it was on the phone.

How ridiculous though that they need all that background check.

[Dragan]

(04-26-2018 01:52 PM)Salvadore Wrote:  

(04-26-2018 01:37 PM)Dragan Wrote:  

Hmmm. You know they make visits right?

Aalright. I just read and assumed it was on the phone.

How ridiculous though that they need all that background check.

I'm coming from a position of limited knowledge... but depending on the agency doing the check, you very well can expect people at your associates door.

[Jetset]

(04-26-2018 01:37 PM)Dragan Wrote:  

Hmmm. You know they make visits right?

Not only are they supposed to conduct the interviews face-to-face, but they'll cultivate their own sources and will not disclose who those are. They might call the police departments in the places he's lived and ask them to check the house computer or visit the university he attended to talk to his professors about potentially radical political views.

If OP did know there was something sketchy in his background that his brother knows about, but he's going out of his way to avoid mentioning his brother, the investigators would be smart enough to see that for what it is and draw an inference that he's hiding things. That's likely worse than whatever the thing actually is.