[Frostbite]

How do you maintain frame with a girl when you’re physically / mentally drained / exhausted?

Girlfriend seems to have a knack of shit testing me when I’m feeling very low on energy.

Keeping a strong frame in these instances is exhausting and I end up just ignoring her.

Can anyone relate?

[H1N1]

The reality is that you don't.

Amongst the soundest advice I have ever received is the invocation that, when one is struggling, one should remove oneself from complicated relationships. The description 'complicated relationships' characterises almost all emotional romantic entanglements. It is a very rare girl who can overcome that aspect of her deepest nature, the one that demands that she constantly poke and prod even at the most inopportune moments, and be a simple and pleasant source of consolation.

When you are at a low ebb, most women are likely to be very bad news, in my recent and tortured experience. They simply can't help themselves, and are almost unavoidably a drain on already depleted emotional resources. If the primary matter engaging your attentions and requiring your energies is enduring, then the combined effect of that, and 'bitch-mode management', can send you into quite a funk. Particularly notable is that, over time, one serious drain on your emotions can replace another as primary, with no particular diminution in the intensity of the original stressor - that is quite a frightening realisation. This can be especially acute if the girl in question is also capable of providing great sexual and emotional highs at the same time, encouraging you to find her, quite reasonably, to also be a source of tremendous respite from whatever is draining you.

The answer is, as already stated, to remove yourself from a situation that causes such extremes of emotion so that you can focus your attention on the primary matter. Easier said than done. I didn't do it, couldn't do so at the time because I didn't have the experience to draw on, and I suffered a good deal for that naivety. I hope I would do now, were such a situation to repeat, but I couldn't say I would with any certainty, given our ability to be fools in these matters, and delude ourselves that 'this one is different'. Recognising that that is the case, one must try to put emotion to the side, and where possible make the smart choice.

[Batman_]

(02-18-2018 03:01 PM)H1N1 Wrote:  

The reality is that you don't.

Amongst the soundest advice I have ever received is the invocation that, when one is struggling, one should remove oneself from complicated relationships. The description 'complicated relationships' characterises almost all emotional romantic entanglements. It is a very rare girl who can overcome that aspect of her deepest nature, the one that demands that she constantly poke and prod even at the most inopportune moments, and be a simple and pleasant source of consolation.

When you are at a low ebb, most women are likely to be very bad news, in my recent and tortured experience. They simply can't help themselves, and are almost unavoidably a drain on already depleted emotional resources. If the primary matter engaging your attentions and requiring your energies is enduring, then the combined effect of that, and 'bitch-mode management', can send you into quite a funk. Particularly notable is that, over time, one serious drain on your emotions can replace another as primary, with no particular diminution in the intensity of the original stressor - that is quite a frightening realisation. This can be especially acute if the girl in question is also capable of providing great sexual and emotional highs at the same time, encouraging you to find her, quite reasonably, to also be a source of tremendous respite from whatever is draining you.

The answer is, as already stated, to remove yourself from a situation that causes such extremes of emotion so that you can focus your attention on the primary matter. Easier said than done. I didn't do it, couldn't do so at the time because I didn't have the experience to draw on, and I suffered a good deal for that naivety. I hope I would do now, were such a situation to repeat, but I couldn't say I would with any certainty, given our ability to be fools in these matters, and delude ourselves that 'this one is different'. Recognising that that is the case, one must try to put emotion to the side, and where possible make the smart choice.

Ugh, that is a cynical but cold hard truth. I've experienced this myself when in times of depression or any sort of difficult life situations/funks that I had to work through. Most women are very opportunistic and relentless, and during these critical moments when your guard is down, things go south real quick. Looking back, I would agree that the only real solution was to stay the fuck away from them. Say you're sick, busy, make up some lie about a parent being in the hospital, and wait until you are feeling like yourself again. If the funk goes on for so long that you lose them from the lack of attention, so be it. The amount of cognitive and psychological effort that it takes to sort your life out while simultaneously trying to maintain your relationships is so high that sometimes it's worth dropping the latter, in my opinion. I did this near the end of summer where I felt sorting myself out of an existential crisis was paramount, and I simply did not have any energy left to keep spinning plates, so I dropped all of them in a very short span of time, and it was one of the best decisions I have ever made.

[Cobra]

I'm going through something like this right now. My biggest problem is that I have a hard time expressing it to any one because I don't want to bring them in to my problems. I also am wary of any advice they give along the lines of pucker up (aka prodding).

It sucks but is it horrible to want to wallow in this state and be alone. On one end I think being alone makes it worse but when those in my life prod me it's my only go to. I wish this could change but I haven't found a way to change it.

To the subject of this thread, it's been very difficult to maintain frame and deal with my main relationships. I hope it's over soon.

[CleanSlate]

Purely based on observations of other men in successful relationships, when their women poke and prod them, they shut it down very quickly with a look that clearly says “now’s not the time.”

They simply don’t tolerate it. And if the woman keeps pressing, it’s clear she doesn’t respect him and the man either loses frame or leaves. By leaving, I don’t always mean leaving for good, just extracting himself out of the situation temporarily. I imagine the women’s hamsters go on overdrive when the man leaves and is less likely to do it again. But that’s only assuming if the woman even gives a shit.

[Batman_]

(02-18-2018 04:09 PM)Cobra Wrote:  

I'm going through something like this right now. My biggest problem is that I have a hard time expressing it to any one because I don't want to bring them in to my problems. I also am wary of any advice they give along the lines of pucker up (aka prodding).

It sucks but is it horrible to want to wallow in this state and be alone. On one end I think being alone makes it worse but when those in my life prod me it's my only go to. I wish this could change but I haven't found a way to change it.

To the subject of this thread, it's been very difficult to maintain frame and deal with my main relationships. I hope it's over soon.

You don't need to be completely alone and shut yourself out from everyone. Talk to a couple of close friends, or consider seeing a psychoanalyst or something. Generally it's a waste of time to tell others about your problems unless they know you really well or have the expertise to actually give reasonable advice.

[Easy_C]

I think that's the right answer. It just needs to be clearly communicated with "whatever your problem is, if it's not a fucking emergency I'll deal with later".

[questor70]

What I've found out the hard way is that women only pay lipservice to the idea of offering their man emotional support. They're fair-weather lovers, basically. When you're feeling down, they might make it seem like they're there for you, but they are really posturing in order to tighten their hold. It's not genuine empathy/intimacy/altruism. If you stop feeding her what she expects out of a boyfriend long enough she'll drop-kick you with no remorse. She's only there as long as she thinks she can keep getting what she wants. So the best approach is to withdraw and play it as general aloofness.

Oh, and of course, when the table is turned and women need a shoulder to cry on, they sure as hell expect their man to be there for them.

[doc holliday]

If I'm going through some life stuff or I'm just tired and crabby from too much work bs or whatever I react by just pushing away whoever is in my life at that time and tell them that I need alone time to get my equilibrium back. I make it explicitly clear that I don't want any bs and if need be I'll get downright mean and assholish about it. I've learned in life that when you need time for yourself you need to take it without any remorse. Women always want your time no matter what you're going through and often they don't know when to back off so I never hesitate to let them know. It's the only way a lot of the time.

[Winston Wolfe]

(02-18-2018 07:56 PM)doc holliday Wrote:  

If I'm going through some life stuff or I'm just tired and crabby from too much work bs or whatever I react by just pushing away whoever is in my life at that time and tell them that I need alone time to get my equilibrium back. I make it explicitly clear that I don't want any bs and if need be I'll get downright mean and assholish about it. I've learned in life that when you need time for yourself you need to take it without any remorse. Women always want your time no matter what you're going through and often they don't know when to back off so I never hesitate to let them know. It's the only way a lot of the time.

Slightly off topic but as with most things, this is so much easier when you've established this frame from the very start instead of trying to change an existing frame.

A girl I'm currently seeing has tried to get me to commit more time to her at the start, but she quickly gave up because she just wasn't getting it. We rarely even text. She thinks I'm "always busy working" which to an extent is true, but in reality it's just none of her business what I'm doing when I'm not with her.

When we are together though, she gets my full attention for the entire time. This sometimes lasts a full day and it's truly quality time spent together. She appreciates that a lot and I like it this way also.

This only works because we've been doing things on my terms from the start and she can sense that if I don't like where this "thing" is going (it's still an undefined relationship), I'll walk.

Women will ask for a hand and if you give it to them, they'll unapologetically take your whole arm. I've been on this side of the spectrum far too many times as well and it's incredibly hard to flip the frame once you've been sucked in too deep.

Edit: typo

[Qwerty]

Be passive aggressive.

[Disco_Volante]

I'm a bit on the introverted / quiet side and I've accepted I need to find a lower energy or introverted girl instead of the fun sluts I can pull when I'm in party mode.

I can be very talkative and energetic for a time but then I revert to introspective and thoughtful when sober and girls HATE that. Young good looking women want constant entertainment. If you're not good at running your mouth and being spontaneous they get bored quickly. I find it's not worth the time and effort just to keep her emotional state up. The amount of talking and socializing they engage in is insane. I can't deal with that shit anymore so I'm trying to find more meek girls now.

All my friends who were naturals with girls in school would just run their mouths constantly, they'd never shut up or stop moving like wind-up toys and girls loved them for it. Girls love the energy. I just don't fucking care anymore, I'm not going to entertain them.

[True Balla]

(02-19-2018 02:11 AM)Disco_Volante Wrote:  

I'm a bit on the introverted / quiet side and I've accepted I need to find a lower energy or introverted girl instead of the fun sluts I can pull when I'm in party mode.

I can be very talkative and energetic for a time but then I revert to introspective and thoughtful when sober and girls HATE that. Young good looking women want constant entertainment. If you're not good at running your mouth and being spontaneous they get bored quickly. I find it's not worth the time and effort just to keep her emotional state up. The amount of talking and socializing they engage in is insane. I can't deal with that shit anymore so I'm trying to find more meek girls now.

All my friends who were naturals with girls in school would just run their mouths constantly, they'd never shut up or stop moving like wind-up toys and girls loved them for it. Girls love the energy. I just don't fucking care anymore, I'm not going to entertain them.

100% agreed.