[Agastya]

At my work, there's this guy who just acts like an ass clown. He'll just pettily fuck with me like I'm in high school again, it just gives me a shitty vibe and messes up my day. Unfortunately he sits right next to me and I have to deal with him all day.

I've gotten better with dealing with assholes over the years and can usually put them in their place. In college it was easy to cut ties with people, worst came to worst I would just call them out or fight them. I did this on a number of occasions between ages 18 and 22. In a corporate setting things are different. We're both joining a new team and I'm worried this guy is going to throw me under the bus or troll me.

Any advice would be appreciated, as I probably will be in close proximity with this guy for the next couple of months. This is my first job out of college and quitting isn't really an option for me at the moment.

[Screemingdead]

Ugh this is why I can't work an office job lol. As a roofer this used to happen a lot with me so one day I just called everyone out to fight me if they have a problem... No more petty bullshit after that.

[AneroidOcean]

(12-13-2017 08:07 PM)Agastya Wrote:  

At my work, there's this guy who just acts like an ass clown. He'll just pettily fuck with me like I'm in high school again, it just gives me a shitty vibe and messes up my day. Unfortunately he sits right next to me and I have to deal with him all day.

I've gotten better with dealing with assholes over the years and can usually put them in their place. In college it was easy to cut ties with people, worst came to worst I would just call them out or fight them. I did this on a number of occasions between ages 18 and 22. In a corporate setting things are different. We're both joining a new team and I'm worried this guy is going to throw me under the bus or troll me.

Any advice would be appreciated, as I probably will be in close proximity with this guy for the next couple of months. This is my first job out of college and quitting isn't really an option for me at the moment.

Can we get an example of what he's doing that he's screwing up your day?

[Pancho]

I had a similar situation a while back.

This one time I took 30 minutes taking a shit at work (its my fault, I shouldn't take more than 10 minutes, but still).

When I came back from the bathroom, I overheard a team member talking about me to someone else. He said "If he was at another job, they would have fired his ass already",

He thought I wasn't listening,but I heard every-single word and he knew later on that I overheard him talking shit about me. I stood right across him everyday so it was impossible to avoid him and pulled a silent treatment. It was very awkward every single day.

Until after a month little by little I started talking to him again. And we got along fine. I figured that I wasn't going to quit and lose my job just because of him, so I decided to talk it over with the guy a be cool with him and resolve our differences.

In your case though it seems like the guy is being abnoxious every single day. I would definitely talk with with your superior. Thats what HR is for. Tell them that you don't feel comfortable and keep it real.

t sucks going to work everyday knowing you are going to have to sit next to someone you hate.

[Tex Cruise]

(12-13-2017 08:07 PM)Agastya Wrote:  

...I would just call them out or fight them. I did this on a number of occasions between ages 18 and 22. In a corporate setting things are different.

Only in that you need to be discreet and have plausible deniability.

[Duke Castile]

Paging El Mech.

[MajorStyles]

(12-13-2017 08:07 PM)Agastya Wrote:  

At my work, there's this guy who just acts like an ass clown. He'll just pettily fuck with me like I'm in high school again, it just gives me a shitty vibe and messes up my day. Unfortunately he sits right next to me and I have to deal with him all day.

I've gotten better with dealing with assholes over the years and can usually put them in their place. In college it was easy to cut ties with people, worst came to worst I would just call them out or fight them. I did this on a number of occasions between ages 18 and 22. In a corporate setting things are different. We're both joining a new team and I'm worried this guy is going to throw me under the bus or troll me.

Any advice would be appreciated, as I probably will be in close proximity with this guy for the next couple of months. This is my first job out of college and quitting isn't really an option for me at the moment.

Been there, bro. Some guys are like bitches with their passive aggressive nonsense: i.e. little verbal jabs, emotional mind games. I find that it stems from a deep sense of unhappiness in their personal lives. Something which, most likely, you will never be able to fix. Dudes like that are too far gone.

Unfortunately, the best thing that helps (in my experience) is distance. But it sounds like you don't have that luxury. Perhaps an "agree and amplify" approach would work (treat him just like a bitch, essentially). Instead of letting him deliver the verbal jab and get a thrill from it, agree with his point and take the wind out of his sails.

[Steelex]

Be a dick back, but do it better.

Taking the high road typically results in you ending up quitting your job. A man can only sit back and take shit for so long.

[Cobra]

I had a guy like this. I lashed out at him one day and then just ignored him. PERIOD.

You're letting him get under your skin (like I did).

Ignore him. It will be hard but you (and him) will get used to it.

Reason: he appears to be a male attention whore.

[VincentVinturi]

When a dude presses you, and you've done absolutely nothing to provoke him, you've got to check him immediately.

You can't let that shit slide for this long without addressing it, it's eating you up inside.

I understand you're in a corporate work environment so maybe you can simply come up to him quietly and say something like hey man you're disrespecting me for no reason so either shut your fucking mouth or we're going to step outside and handle our business right now.

If he tattles on you, you can just deny it, no harm done.

If you can't do even that for fear of losing your job then I hate to tell you that you're in a cucked position because you can't even slap a guy upside the head for mouthing off, and you need to start your ass a business so you can get the fuck out of the matrix and respect yourself.

[Rocha]

Call him out for his behaviour in his face, calmly. Sounds cliche...but be manly and confident. Wtf is he going to do with that? You are in an office environment, if he gets agressive its him that is going to be fired and he does not want that.

You don't need to be agressive or menacing. Dont swallow frogs like we say here. Don't be distant or avoid the guy at all. Don't go to HR because most probably both of you will gonna get fired if you don't settle it down.

[RatInTheWoods]

Fuck with him back, only better.

Sadly dickheads like this can make your life a misery if you try to ignore or reason with them.

You can try having a quiet chat and say "leave the games for after work - either you pull your head in, or I will destroy you"

[Off The Reservation]

I am so far removed from the corporate-fear-filled-bs-job world that I couldn't begin to answer the way you expect someone to.

But I do know that not putting up with badness to paraphrase Ray Dalio is a major cause for people who end up doing better in life. Meaning you can have 20 or 30 years of this same story with different details or you can say fuck it and do something better w/ life than be stuck around ass clowns and the type of companies that seem to feed them.

Just know that there are places, industries and companies that are much better than this. And how your life turns out swallowing the ass clowns comedy vs being in a productive place in life that this isn't an issue, well that's where the "isn't really an option" in your post comes into question.

[Laska]

Conflicts are almost never one sided. I would consider my own behavior and sincerely apologize for anything I did wrong, especially my attitude. It's worked for me in the past, as counter intuitive as it is. Edit: Just don't be weak or pathetic about it. Of course, that should go without saying.

The main benefit to this approach is becoming a more patient man.

[Beyond Borders]

I've learned over the years that one of the best things to do when another adult antagonizes you or disrespects you in a group setting is to look at them and right in front of everyone ask them to step into the other room to have a word with you. Just tell them to come with you for a sec and start walking that way - if they don't follow they look like a total asshole or a coward. Let me be clear, though - this isn't "asking someone to step outside with you" - instead of beating around the bush, you're just removing yourselves from the group to discuss the situation like men without everyone watching.

Once alone, be candid, straightforward, and assertive. Call their behavior out directly. But try to stay away from being aggressive unless it's absolutely necessary. You want to let them know that you're not buying the act and be no-nonsense about it but also give them a chance to come down a couple notches and talk to you like a human, which they will most likely do once they're alone with you and on the spot.

If you just don't feel like you've got enough authority to make this kind of move in front of everyone, keep it simple. Seek them out when they're alone at their workspace or before they walk into work, etc. You'll lose the effect of everyone else witnessing you seize control of the situation but it should still work.

Either way, this removes the social shield (false security) bullies rely on and the pressure of the group that keeps them antagonizing when you put them on the spot publicly. If forces them to confront you directly on your terms. It shows you've got balls. It wins the respect of the group and most likely it will win their respect too.

Whatever you do, don't get caught in a tug of war in front of everyone if you can avoid it - there's just too much other subconscious power play going on and gives them a sense of security to hide behind. If doing this once or twice doesn't calm them down, feel free to embarrass them or get more aggressive in return in front of the group when they act this way without regret.

I used to get in heckling, dick-measuring contests with guys who would needle me that would finally break down into arguments or even me losing my cool. Then I learned this move from a bar manager, an ex-Marine, back in the day when I was a bartender. Not only did he use it to great effect with employees but with the guy who owned the place, who was a buck wild alpha kind of guy who got in a ton of fights and would pretty much say whatever he wanted. This put him right in his place. That manager had balls of steel and is still a good friend of mine now - everyone who knows him treats him with respect.

I don't work in offices, but I've used the tactic myself in group situations since and it always worked out the way I wanted it to. Catty behavior doesn't solve these conflicts - tackling it head on, on a one-on-one basis, is the way to go.

[BigTony]

I had an issue earlier this year with someone in my office. As I was working, he walks by in front of about 10 people and absolutely hammers me. I was thrown off guard because up until that point we were very cordially with each other. I was a bit stunned by what he said and wasn't even prepared for a come back line.

Later that day, I pulled him aside(privately) and told him that I didn't appreciate what he said. After going back and forth for about 10 minutes, he promised to never do it again. Sure enough, about two months later he said something slick to me again and I ignored him. Finally after the third time, I had to embarrass him in front of people. To be blunt, he is obese and I am a former gym rat so I am in much better shape than he is. I called out his obesity in front of others. I simply said something like 'You look pregnant, when is the baby due?' Not really my style but it worked. Not a peep from him since.

I agree with Beyond Borders. The best thing to do is to nip it in the bud immediately. If you let it slide, the office clown loses more and more respect for you and the disrespect will continue.

[Leonard D Neubache]

Accuse him on social media of sexually harassing you.

[EndsExpect]

(12-14-2017 12:37 AM)VincentVinturi Wrote:  

When a dude presses you, and you've done absolutely nothing to provoke him, you've got to check him immediately.
You can't let that shit slide for this long without addressing it, it's eating you up inside.
I understand you're in a corporate work environment so maybe you can simply come up to him quietly and say something like hey man you're disrespecting me for no reason so either shut your fucking mouth or we're going to step outside and handle our business right now.
If he tattles on you, you can just deny it, no harm done.
If you can't do even that for fear of losing your job then I hate to tell you that you're in a cucked position because you can't even slap a guy upside the head for mouthing off, and you need to start your ass a business so you can get the fuck out of the matrix and respect yourself.

This is good advice. Here is the deal... the reason guys bully is because it allows them to set a social hierarchy. He is trying to put you below everyone else by targeting you and putting you down. I didn't understand this at your age and I can come across as a bit "know-it-all" and annoying at times. I found myself a frequent target and didn't know how to handle it.... ignoring it ate me up and set my position at the bottom of the hierarchy. Other men will naturally respond to this shit and lose respect for you.

When I was 25... I had been doing MMA training for 1 year and frankly sucked at it. However, there was this one guy on my team at work that kept insulting me, poking fun at me, and not in a nice way. The other guys on the team had stopped talking to me. One day he called me Gomer Pile and I just lost it. I threw a coffee cup at him and told him that after work I was going to hunt him down and fucking kill him in the parking lot. He was taller, stronger, and older than me, but I must have come across as crazy because he hid in the bathrooms after work for over 45 minutes... missed his bus. I waited. I wanted to kill the fucker or die trying. Anyway... He left me alone from that point on, and the other guys on the team started treating me well.

Here is the bad part. The guy didn't go to HR, but the only girl on our team did. She said that I "scared her", and that I was "violent" and "dangerous". The only thing that saved me was being the #2 sales guy in the company and my manager really going to bat for me to explain my behavior. My point being... if you need to threaten a guy do it on the down low. He might not report you, but bitches around you WILL.

[Rain97]

This is something I like to do in group settings to advertise my superiority over someone that is acting in a way that is pissing me off.
I say "You good?". The most likely reply will be him saying "Yes". Then just reply with something like "Good boy" or "Good lad". This is a typical way a conversation would go between a father and his son or a guy and a dog.

This conveys to the group that:
a) you are superior to him calling him a "boy" or "lad" demeans him and takes away his maculinity
b) you don't like the way he is acting and this is something that you will not tolerate.

9 times out of 10 people act obnoxious because they never had anyone check them like that, once you do you'll realise most guys are not about it like that anyway, they just act up like hoes.

[Dulceácido]

You should have, right in front of everyone, calmly and confidently, asked, "What, exactly, would I have been fired for? This puts his bitch-ass in check and forces his passive aggressive BS out onto the table for everyone to hear. Everyone will immediately know he got busted gossiping like a little bitch. Normally, when you do this they back down and say something like, "Oh, I was just joking." Then you say, "No. You weren't joking. You were talking about me to a co-worker behind my back and I heard, so tell me what I would have been fired for." Now he's embarrassed, everyone in the office is embarrassed for him. And he has two options, he can apologize or escalate. If he apologizes, end of story. If he escalates, you just stay perfectly calm and continue to debate him about his shit-talking, because he doesn't have a leg to stand on and the longer this conversation goes the more embarrassing for him it will become. If he continues to escalate, he's the one getting reported to HR, and then you if you still want to beat his ass, do it after work... and wear a ski mask.

[Agastya]

Literally just pulled the guy outside and talked to him. Told him he needed to dial back the shit talking. He was making jokes about a school shooting that I was in, I made it very fucking clear that that crossed a line. He was also for some reason being a dick about me asking our manager how much our new role would pay us (which I think is a normal question). It's probably still going to be a little awkward but I feel a million times better than I did before.

Calling people out is one of the most useful and necessary skills on the planet, I wish it was taught more. I had to learn it the hard way. For the record this guy only really started to bug me earlier this week, before that he was generally cool and helpful. I'm proud of myself for tackling it within a day or two of it happening.

For the record I work in corporate sales. I like sales, it reminds a lot of daygame, I use the same skills that I developed over years of spitting game in college. The problem is that this particular company (and maybe every sales workplace) is full of complete boners from California frats. I'm pretty good over the phone and do decently well at my job -- the biggest issue is just that I don't relate to or like most the people at this place.

Also big thanks for the thoughtful and helpful responses I got here, especially Beyond Borders, I basically used his strategy word for word.

[Rain97]

(12-14-2017 12:59 PM)Agastya Wrote:  

Literally just pulled the guy outside and talked to him. Told him he needed to dial back the shit talking. He was making jokes about a school shooting that I was in, I made it very fucking clear that that crossed a line. He was also for some reason being a dick about me asking our manager how much our new role would pay us (which I think is a normal question). It's probably still going to be a little awkward but I feel a million times better than I did before.

Calling people out is one of the most useful and necessary skills on the planet, I wish it was taught more. I had to learn it the hard way. For the record this guy only really started to bug me earlier this week, before that he was generally cool and helpful. I'm proud of myself for tackling it within a day or two of it happening.

For the record I work in corporate sales. I like sales, it reminds a lot of daygame, I use the same skills that I developed over years of spitting game in college. The problem is that this particular company (and maybe every sales workplace) is full of complete boners from California frats. I'm pretty good over the phone and do decently well at my job -- the biggest issue is just that I don't relate to or like most the people at this place.

Also big thanks for the thoughtful and helpful responses I got here, especially Beyond Borders, I basically used his strategy word for word.

Good job man, no one should be making you feel like that.

[polar]

For CYA, it also wouldn't hurt to document the incident ASAP by writing up an email to yourself at work email and personal email (for time stamps) about what he said, your response, etc. The goal is to have something to present to HR if need be down the line, even if you choose not to at this point, and to have some proof that you're not the one starting beef.

[benji]

I've had this happen to me before and i would say first if he's being a dick call him out on it when he does it but not in an aggressive way. He probably wont expect it and if you don't feel you can do that then you should speak to HR or a superior about it and explain the situation. Just remember you're doing nothing wrong. You could smash him but he would probably play the victim card if you did something too imho.

Very good point made my Polar, have things written down of exactly what was said and how you handled it, not that they wont believe you but at least you will know exactly what to say and how to explain it as best as you can to someone higher up.

*My bad, just read what you did. Well done, hopefully that works and you can move on.

[the-dream]

Reading this thread makes me so thankful that I'm self employed!