[twogapz]

I'm facing some social sticking points and many of the members here have great advice, so I wanted to post some of these for feedback. I don't do well with spontanous social interactions. Some have mentioned sales as a good way to learn improving social interaction - are there any part time sales jobs that are generally available? I'm definitely down for doing this as long as it doesn't coincide with my 9-5 career.

Some feedback I've gotten directly and from interpreting people's behavior:

• I'm not funny
• People don't think of me as a social person
• When I open people, they act surprised. I definitely need to work on opening.
• For online openers, I get almost no response. Very poor at opening people online.
• I've tried opening people while I'm with friends, but my friends tend to dominate the conversation, so I feel like going solo is my only option if I want to improve.
  

I definitely want to improve my social sticking points, but outside of silence, a little direct feedback, and some interpretation, it's hard to identify the steps I can take to improve.

[Baphomet]

You don't mention where you're from, but I would suggest finding and joining a chapter of "ToastMasters."

https://www.toastmasters.org/

[Rhyme or Reason]

I'm going to leave this quote here, which is an article from Beyond Borders' blog:

Quote:

How (and Why) to Make Everyone in the World Your Friend
Posted on December 1, 2015 by Beyond Borders • 8 Comments
Do you ever feel alone…?

Or, like every person who bothers to interact with you wants something from you?

That people only open you or approach you to serve their own interests?

That the random interactions you have in your everyday life are meaningless, pointless, and shallow?

At a young age, it always struck me how there could be thousands of people around you, the houses and the lives inside them stretching for miles, and yet you’d still feel all alone.

But Are You Really Alone?

Or just alienated by way you respond to the people around you?

In a recent thread at the RVF, a guy was struggling with depression, and I interpreted (right or wrong) that one of his issues was constantly trying to seek out social interactions that would produce a result – like trying to meet the coolest people or find hot women who were all alone so he could try to seduce them.

Here’s a guy who lacks the social skills to break into these circles or seduce women of this caliber…

Yet every moment of his life, he’s sacrificing chances to connect with the people around him.

Haven’t we all been guilty of that at times?

It’s like how always thinking about some theoretical “later” can rob you of the riches in the present…

Constantly Seeking Out Those Perfect Social Situations Robs You Of The Social Potential In Every Moment.

Among some other pieces of advice, I did my best to describe how I constantly interact with people as I go about my day.

How I constantly joke with people or talk with them or do them small favors.

And I also mentioned all the ways this pays off.

You can read that post here if you like.

He replied that he’d tried doing something similar to that, but that it seemed most people he encountered were people he would never meet again, and that it therefore felt “shallow/empty/meaningless.” That it was pleasurable and enjoyable but producing no results.

You know what…

It’s Hard To Truly Connect With Others When You Only Do it to “Get.”

After all, if you just want a result, who is making it meaningless and shallow?

It’s only that way because you frame it that way in your mind.

That’s a choice.

And it’s a perfect example of how your thoughts affect how you feel.

It’s this type of thinking that makes everyday social interactions “wasted” and leads to nothing ever coming of it…

And it’s one of the reasons so many people feel alone.

Here’s How I Frame My Constant Reaching Out.

It’s my way of making the world a better place.

If I leave a smile on someone’s face, I made their day better.

If I change someone else’s dark thoughts and re-establish their hope in humanity, even for a moment, to me that’s worth it.

If I shake someone up and make them laugh, well, yeah, it’s fun for me too, but if laughter is the best medicine, in a way I may be healing them.

If I shatter some local Filipino guy’s perception of “rich, selfish foreigners who think they’re better than us,” or, back in California, some minority kid’s perception that “white guys are afraid of me,” I’ve broken through someone’s ignorance and forced them to question a poisonous stereotype.

I’ll Give You Some Examples Of How This Thinking Manifests in My Life.

The other night, this really big Indian guy walked by my in the club, and I could see he was fucked up. I stopped him and we bullshitted for a little bit. Friendly enough guy, just wasted.

I told him he should drink some water, and he said, “That’s probably a good idea.” And his eyes swam a bit, but he just went back to his corner of the bar.

I ordered a glass of water, walked up and tapped him on the shoulder, handed it to him, and then walked away. You should have seen the look on his face…

He came up to me a little bit afterward telling me, “You’re a good man.” Dropped his business card on me and said if I was going to be in Manila he was really established here and to get in touch.

A couple nights later, I was walking back from the 7/11 with these two broads, and two Filipino guys, University students, I think, were sitting on the steps. One was helping the other, who was trying his hardest not to puke. A block later, I saw a little convenience store, so I told the girls to wait. I went inside, bought a bottle of water, walked back, and gave it to the guy to give to his friend.

The girls were looking at me like I was insane…this isn’t an environment where you interact with random strangers on a dark street or go out of your way for them.

But the gratitude on the guys’ faces that I should do such a thing for no apparent reason…to me that’s all the reason in the world to do it. I shifted their perception of other people – their perception of foreigners.

Now, A Cynic Might Argue I Did These Things To Impress The Girls.

In both instances above I had girls with me. Your everyday “realist” will tell you that was my motive.

Stay away from these people.

Because they are poison.

They’re always looking for “reasons” behind good deeds, and they’ll always find them because they’re looking. And if you buy into that thinking, it will make you and your problems worse.

The thing is I’ve done this very thing when I was all alone, more times than I can count, and will do it time and time again in the future.

I’ve been doing just that most of my life.

And even if you could argue I do it to make myself feel good, isn’t it still better than the alternative?

Let Me Tell You Another Story That Exemplifies The Plight Of The Cynic.

One time I found this English guy on the side of the road in Cambodia without a shirt or shoes. He’d been knocked out by a tuk tuk driver the night before and had his wallet stolen – didn’t even know where his room was.

He looked a bit nuts at first, but I pulled over and talked to him. I picked him up on my motorbike and told him I’d help him figure out where his hotel was. On the way, I pulled into one of my regular restaurants.

“My money’s all gone,” he said.

“Don’t worry about it. Breakfast is on me – you need food.”

And I shit you not, he broke down in tears.

A grown man, the owner of a concrete business back in the UK, just sitting there crying in front of me in the middle of this restaurant.

“Who the fuck are you?” he says. “I don’t know anyone who would do all this. Nobody does this kind of thing.”

Uh, Yeah, Buddy, Actually, They Do…

Why doesn’t he know people who would do that?

I know a lot that would.

I’ll tell you why. Because he wouldn’t do it, that’s why.

Your illusions become your reality.

And when you close yourself off to the world and always seek a result from every interaction, well, that’s what you see all around you (like this depressed guy talking about how people only open him if they want to sell something.)

It took us half the day to find his place. He was staying in a 5-star hotel. He offered me money. He told me to go get my girlfriend and come back later for dinner on him.

I didn’t go back because I didn’t want it to become about the result…

I would never want it to become about the result.

I just told him to repay the favor to a stranger in the future. And if he truly does, how do you think it will affect the way he sees others?

If You Lived Out Some Real-World Version of the movie “Pay it Forward,” How Would it Affect Your Reality?

I see small kindnesses everywhere.

Isn’t the way it affects my vision of the world enough?

I could never recall all the random strangers who’ve helped me or opened their doors to me, often with no hope of anything in return and often even refusing “repayment.”

Why is that?

Part of me believes it’s because your illusions become your reality.

Part of me believes I see it and receive it because I deserve it, and maybe that’s a farfetched, even narcissistic thought.

But who cares? It’s not harming anyone to think that.

It’s only helping me – it’s only helping others. I earn it every day in every way I can think of, and it’s become a part of my personality and the vibe I give off, so mabe I deserve to be deluded.

I’ve Been Here Where I’m At Now For a Month – Manila, The Philippines.

I walk into the coffee shop and everyone knows my name and my order.

I walk into the local karaoke bar and the local pub and everyone knows my name and my order and the songs I want to sing.

I go the local market to eat and several shopkeepers come up to say hi to me or shake my hand.

The guy in the hotel said to me today, “How are you, Sir?” When I said “good,” he replied, “It seems you’re always feeling good, Sir.” Because I constantly project goodwill towards him, even when my day isn’t going as planned. I walk in and it gets better just by treating someone like a person when I don’t have to. In fact, unlike most foreigners, I call him “sir” back.

I was up in this swanky rooftop club for the second time recently and the bartenders already remembered my name and were giving me Belgian ales free of charge and then asked me if I wanted some cocktails. This is a place full of white foreigners just like me (most with a lot more money), so what makes them remember me so fast?

A moment later I met a French guy who started ranting to me about how the bartender was a snake and would always try to overcharge – the very same guy who’d been feeding me free booze all night. And what’s worse is I suspect the Frenchman was reading an honest mistake as an attempt to scam him…

Anyone you talk to, even other Africans, will rant to you about how Nigerians are the scum of the Earth. “Don’t even talk to them,” they’ll say.

The Nigerians I’ve met have been nothing but grand.

They picked me up in their SUVs in Phnom Penh and took me all over the city and paid for everything. They’d buy high-end bottles of whiskey all night and refuse my contribution (in fact, I can’t ever recall having a drink with a Nigerian that didn’t insist to buy the first round).

One guy wanted to fly me with him to Nigeria to show me what his country was really like. I’ve been so drunk with them late at night I couldn’t see straight or even figure out where I was, and they rolled me into a cab and sent me back to my hotel.

I could go on with anecdotes all day…

Why Do I Get These Reactions From People?

Is it really possible for you or is it because I have good social skills already?

I’m sure that’s part of it.

But how can you establish your own without building the experiences first? By starting at the bottom and working your way up.

And how can you desire it if you can’t even see the good in people?

I think it happens because this has been my go-to behavior and thought process for so long that it has become my reality. It’s who I am.

And when you reach out to people constantly and engage with people constantly, not because you want to get something from them but because you’ve truly convinced yourself that it makes the world a better place…

…Well, How Can That Part Of Your Very Personality Not Eventually Draw People To You?

How can people not get a kick out of interacting with you?

And not want to be around you and part of your world?

People are a lot better at instinctually reading you than you could possibly think.

So, sure, you can build more grounded social networks eventually. Especially if you stay in one place and keep doing this instead of constantly being on the move like I am.

But what I’m talking about is the difference between reaching out to people because you need the attention…

…Or reaching out to people because you suspect they might be the ones who need it.

Eventually Someone Has to Do the Reaching…

Over the years I’ve noticed that people often wear the disinterested look on their face as a mask. It’s like they’re just trying convince themselves they don’t need anyone else (sound familiar?).

Often, these people are dying for interaction.

Go into a bar at Happy Hour and you’ll often find a guy sitting there all by himself. Big fella with a huge beer gut. Blue collar look about him. Grumpy and closed off.

You’re both sitting there and his eyes are glued to the TV and neither of you cares what’s on there, do you?

You’re just fixing your eyes there because there’s nowhere else to fix them.

And the last thing you want to do is bug him or make yourself so vulnerable to reach out…

After All, You Can’t Afford To Show Weakness To A Guy Like This…

He might even purposely avoid looking at you.

Or if you say hi, he’ll nod grudgingly and go back to the TV.

But stop for a second…if this guy is so resistant to human interaction, what the fuck is he doing at a bar in the early evening when he could be sitting on his couch in front of the TV, alone, drinking the same beer and paying a lot less?

Clearly he’s hungry for human interaction.

And clearly so are you.

Yet you sit there trying not to look at each other and both pretending you don’t give a shit.

Over Time I Started Making It A Point To Break The Ice With These Guys.

Sometimes it takes a couple tries, but you say something about whatever you both don’t give a shit about on TV.

Or you get right to the point and ask him where he’s from or how his day is going.

It’s funny because they’ll always act a bit caught off guard at first. Or act grumpy and dismissive.

It’s a defense.

But you do it again and you can see him come alive, how suddenly the wall comes tumbling down and his entire expression changes. And suddenly he’s gabbing with you, and you’re making a new friend.

And you know what?

These manly, closed off, good ole’ boys often turn out to be the most generous, accommodating people on Earth…

I’ve Seen This Phenomenon All Over The World.

People act like they don’t care, but they’re protecting themselves.

When I walk through the backstreets of Cambodia or Thailand, or even in Western Europe or wherever, certain people do their best to ignore me a lot of the time. They’ll often avoid your eyes and maybe even have their scowl on their face, as if trying to repel you.

And it would be so easy to think, “Ah they must hate foreigners.” I’ve thought it often myself.

But I’ve made it a game to look right at them and smile and say, “How are you?” Preferably in their own language.

Or even just smile that big warm, genuine, welcoming smile. The game is “Can I Crack Through?”

And I tell you 8 times out of 10 their face explodes into a smile back.

And I find it was all a defense mechanism.

And the crabby old grandma running the family restaurant next to your hotel, the one who was always scowling at you, is eventually bringing you plates of fruit to snack on whenever you come in to eat and trying to marry you off to her grand-daughters.

Even Now Sometimes They Fool Me.

I was in this cheap little garage gym yesterday, and I’d never seen a white guy in there before. And this skinny English guy was doing pull-ups. As he walked past me, I said, “Hey, how’s it going, Man?”

And he had an angry look on his face and turned away and walked outside for a break between his sets.

Even with all the times I’ve seen guys do this, I couldn’t help but be a little offended. I said outloud, “Okaaay guy.” Hey, I’m only human, and inside I’m thinking, “Jesus, some of these fucking foreigners acting like you’re stepping on their turf because they’re not the only white face in the room.”

You know what? Five minutes later the guy had regrouped, and he came back in and you could see he made it a point to wander my way and rebreak the ice with me, and next thing you know we were having a conversation.

Silly me.

He was apologizing without apologizing. The wall was down.

People Want Interaction; They Just Have Their Guard Up.

And part of me actually believes that the guy will be a little more open to other people next time.

What’s more is I’ll probably see him in there again, and who knows what kind of connection he could turn into.

What’s better, though, is the presence you build there in the room over time. All the Filipinos working out in there and all the staff already know my name and are all constantly talking with me whenever I come in for the simple reason that I carry myself like this every single time I walk in. They give me foods to try, they invite me to parties. I constantly have to break off conversations just to do my sets.

Why?

Because this who I am and they know that.

So whether the interaction turns into anything directly tangible for me, the fact that THIS IS WHO I AM CONSTANTLY pays dividends you couldn’t put a price tag on. And, like anything, over time that interest compounds.

This One Girl I’m Seeing Now Is A Real Cynic.

I’m not much for cynics, especially the idea of dating cynical girls. Cynics are poisonous thinkers, and they can poison you.

But I can see it’s a mask, and I don’t take it all that seriously. Not to mention that, hell, if I was a Southeast Asian gal dealing with a semi-young, hot-blooded white male on her home turf, I’d start off a bit cynical too…

She’s always dogging on other Filipinas doing “sweet things” – like bringing food for guys they just met or otherwise buttering them up. She’s a tough nut to crack. Wink

“Being sweet is bullshit,” she says. “It’s not real.”

In the case of poorer Filipinas trying to land a guy to take care of them, I suppose this is true. They give to get. She can afford to frown on it because she’s got plenty of money.

But I can see one of the reasons this girl is attracted to me is because of the way I can walk into a room and interact with every person there. That within thirty minutes of entering the club I’ve spoken with just about everyone in my vicinity instead of putting on airs.

So one night she gave me the “sweet is bullshit” line when I reprimanded her about bratty tough-girl behavior.

I Got Real for a Second.

Leaned in with my hand on her shoulder, looked her in the eyes, and said, “Let me ask you something. When you see me being so friendly and open with everyone, do you think that’s really who I am? Or do you think that’s bullshit?”

She got a little starry-eyed as she explored my gaze.

Trying to determine if her own gut could be trusted.

“No,” she said, finally. “I really don’t.”

“So being sweet isn’t bullshit, is it? Not always. Some people are just that way. And by cutting yourself off from that, you only hurt yourself.”

You could almost see her muscles relax…

The wall came down a little bit further…

And I Think She Saw In That Moment It Was Guardedness That Was Bullshit Rather Than The “Sweetness.”

I reach out to people because that’s who I want to be, not because I want something from them.

Do I want to have sex with this girl?

Of course I do, but that’s not the only reason I look her directly in her eyes and get real with her.

Do I want people to like me?

Of course I do, but that’s not the only reason I compliment them or do them favors.

Do I want people to do nice things for me or to introduce me to their cool friends?

Of course I do, but that’s not the only reason I ask them their name, where they’re from, and what it’s like being them…

I reach out to people because, whether someone else calls it horseshit or not…

I’ve Convinced Myself This Behavior Makes Life A Little Bit Brighter…

So, give sincere compliments.

Make people laugh.

Make the bubble of world just around you a slightly better place…

And even if it doesn’t pay off in the beginning, you’ll feel better.

You’ll be less depressed. And so will those who come into contact with you.

You’ll be less poisoned by cynicism.

And you’ll have a lot more faith in humanity because, well…

All you have to do to see that there’s still good in people…is look inside of yourself…

And what better result could you ask for than that?

[RatInTheWoods]

Man, great words from BB.

I also think that frame is a pretty old school Australian way of being. Laid back, ego free and friendly.

Its the way to be and does get great reaction from people, and makes the world a better place.

[twogapz]

My efforts right now:

• getting feedback from girls on how I look and am a 6-7
• doing a public speaking like class and want to look at Toastmasters too
• working on improving fitness and taking 2 fitness classes in addition to visiting a gym 5 days a week
• accepting the nofap challenge and have seen some improvement - still a huge challenge
  

I've been looking for a part time sales job, but can't think of any ideas. I know a lot of members here recommend it to push past a comfort zone and work on persuasion.

My sticking points are I'm very uncomfortable speaking with others and relaxing socially.

[twogapz]

New sticking point with online interaction: how long do I stay committed to an opener if I get mostly no response? What's a good response rate for an opener - is 5% or 10%?

Opening with approaches generally "forces" a response and people like being nice face-to-face, but have no problem not responding online. I'm doing a mix to increase interactions, but am getting very little responses.

[MrTickle]

Reading "how to win friends and influence people" will help with basics. Not a big book and the core content is pretty timeless.

Good steps with toastmasters and gym.

[Rhyme or Reason]

OP

You should listen to the advice i posted from BB's wise words. That being, forget about the outcome. That's the sticking point you're not seeing... just talk to people without trying to get anything out of them.

[Exult]

Excellent repost of the BB write up.

As Rhyme noted, your openers should be to anyone. The male bartender, the older cashier, the mom behind you in the checkout line, the staff you see all the time that swipes you in at the gym. Openers with a smile should be standard operating procedure for your interactions in real life, and then when it's an attractive girl in line at the coffee shop you've already opened with success five times that week and you're about to make it six.

[yaku]

(09-27-2017 03:26 PM)Exult Wrote:  

Excellent repost of the BB write up.

As Rhyme noted, your openers should be to anyone. The male bartender, the older cashier, the mom behind you in the checkout line, the staff you see all the time that swipes you in at the gym. Openers with a smile should be standard operating procedure for your interactions in real life, and then when it's an attractive girl in line at the coffee shop you've already opened with success five times that week and you're about to make it six.

This is by far the best way to handle openers. No stage fright when you've said the same thing time and time again. And how they respond will tell you a lot about them as well.

[TimePlayer]

(09-01-2017 12:39 PM)twogapz Wrote:  

I'm facing some social sticking points and many of the members here have great advice, so I wanted to post some of these for feedback. I don't do well with spontanous social interactions. Some have mentioned sales as a good way to learn improving social interaction - are there any part time sales jobs that are generally available? I'm definitely down for doing this as long as it doesn't coincide with my 9-5 career.

Some feedback I've gotten directly and from interpreting people's behavior:


[*] I'm not funny
[*] People don't think of me as a social person
[*] When I open people, they act surprised. I definitely need to work on opening.
[*] For online openers, I get almost no response. Very poor at opening people online.
[*] I've tried opening people while I'm with friends, but my friends tend to dominate the conversation, so I feel like going solo is my only option if I want to improve.


I definitely want to improve my social sticking points, but outside of silence, a little direct feedback, and some interpretation, it's hard to identify the steps I can take to improve.

This could very well be your perception. No normal person gets surprised. They shouldn’t. You may even touch a person from behind and their surprise has nothing to do with you. I will just say “Oops!” and keep talking. If they are mad, it has to do with them or their day. If they were daydreaming, it may be a few seconds before they notice you. Still, her daydreaming in a public place has ABSOLUTELY nothing to do with you. Bottom line: people don’t or shouldn’t get surprised because you talk to them.

[heavy]

+1 for bumping that Beyond Borders blog post.

That's a real life-changer.

Did BB quit his blog? I used to read it occasionally.

[twogapz]

Thanks to all the responses. I am working to be the guy who is friends with everyone and I also know that it's not my intent, but how my intent is perceived. I've had to learn that I have to communicate in a manner that people identify and relate to, otherwise, even with good intentions, it's misunderstood. This is why feedback matters; is how I'm presenting myself coming off that way, or are people seeing something else?

Very hard to learn, of course. I'd like to think I'm friendly with everyone and there are a few people who tell me that I'm very energetic and enthusiastic, but not everyone does, so I know I can improve. Plus, even if someone is having a bad day, I'd like to still be the best person I can in that situation even if their action isn't personal or is a reflection of them.

Self-improvement is about making sure the person I strive to be is what I am presenting and showing with other people; otherwise, I think I'm like BB, but in reality, I'm coming off completely different.

Thanks again to all you. I rep you as much as I can for the great replies.

[twogapz]

Finished a hard class a week ago which had lots of public speaking and I made myself do more speeches than necessary for practice. Felt nauseated sometimes before but did the speeches even with the nauseated feeling.

I see a lot of advice and criticism about thirst and how thirsty guys are nowadays. I struggle with this too because I want to do well with girls, but don't want to come off as thirsty. Do any of you have tips on how to prevent this? I don't give attention to a girl who isn't enjoyable to speak with and I don't follow girls on attention-whoring social media, but how else can I improve here? Nofapping unfortunately means I feel a LOT more desire.

[RunsWithScissors]

(09-01-2017 02:04 PM)Rhyme or Reason Wrote:  

I'm going to leave this quote here, which is an article from Beyond Borders' blog:

Quote:

How (and Why) to Make Everyone in the World Your Friend
Posted on December 1, 2015 by Beyond Borders • 8 Comments
Do you ever feel alone…?
...
Make the bubble of world just around you a slightly better place…

And even if it doesn’t pay off in the beginning, you’ll feel better.

You’ll be less depressed. And so will those who come into contact with you.

What a great post, and perfect timing for me to read it. Thank you for sharing.

[Eddie Winslow]

(09-01-2017 12:39 PM)twogapz Wrote:  

• I'm not funny
• People don't think of me as a social person
• When I open people, they act surprised. I definitely need to work on opening.
• For online openers, I get almost no response. Very poor at opening people online.
• I've tried opening people while I'm with friends, but my friends tend to dominate the conversation, so I feel like going solo is my only option if I want to improve.
  

Honest question OP - are you EVER funny, even around close friends and family or after a couple of drinks? Can you make little kids laugh? Do you personally ever say something, do something, or even have a thought where you think "gee that was pretty funny?"

If the If so, your difficulties certainly all tie back to anxiety and fear of what others think. The only way to conquer this is consciously not give a shit aka improve Inner Game.

I have improved 1000x over in this area since I started approaching years ago. The thing that helped me was consciously pretending I knew the stranger I was talking to. Consciously shut off the part of your brain that is putting all that pressure on you to be perfect.

Start small and more importantly, sober. Compliment your roommate, relative, or close male friend on something they are wearing that you think is cool (tshirt, watch, new sneakers, whatever). 99% of the time they will graciously accept the compliment and feel happy you said something (the % for strangers is basically the same BTW). Alternatively, if you are too anxious even for that, give one of your parents a call and shoot the shit for 3 minutes.

Afterwards, consciously think about how effortless and low anxiety your tone is, how genuine your approving facial expression is, how your eyes are relaxed, how comfortable your limbs are, how you anticipating a positive response. All of these things combined create your "vibe". Record your facial expressions and voice on a smartphone if you have to.

Do this a few times until you understand what your relaxed vibe looks like. Then pick a stranger at the store (male or female) and hit them with a generic compliment using that vibe. If you hit them with that same vibe, they will likely respond in a similar fashion to how your friend did. It will feel good, and you can build off that, throwing in bits of "game knowledge" as you go.

When two friend are speaking, walk up to them and interupt to say hi or ask a question. Feel the comfortable vibe and acknowledge how it was not a big deal at all, and that they weren't pissed you interjected. Memorize the vibe, shut your brain off, and open two girls at the bar the same way.

Practice, practice, practice.

[twogapz]

Thank you Eddie. Sometimes, I make people laugh, but it feels rare. As a kid and in high school, I was very funny and made people laugh all the time.

I'll practice your good ideas on complimenting. The stickler for me is the compliment feeling legit.

[Alpone]

As for people "acting surprised" when you open, I've had this happen occasionally and calibrated my game accordingly. It usually comes from the way you approach a girl. If you come up to someone too fast or from an awkward angle (say, from behind), it can actually surprise people - especially if you start talking before you make eye contact.

I've found the smoothest approaches come from making eye contact first - even if just for a second. Then take a single, complete breath, then begin to speak. The "pregnant pause" is gold, gives you time to think and makes it seem like you've done this a thousand times before.

[twogapz]

Thanks for the feedback.

I've made strong progress because I applied a lot of the advice in this thread and other threads. I have a long journey, and I'm seeing positive results. Most people I meet now feel I'm very social and I can get some laughs like I did when I was younger.

I still don't get responses on Tinder at all, but I do feel more confident in social interactions and see improvement there. What's great is the less time I spend online, the better I feel. I've completely shut down all my social media accounts and wished I had done that a long time ago. That won't help me with Tinder, but I feel happier in life.

[chicane]

A quote from Dr. Temple Grandin "Autistics learn social interaction the way normal people learn lines to a play".

Practice helps a lot.

Read some books on Body Language, but stick to the ones written by law enforcement rather than the fluffy bunny ones. Then, make a point of analyzing your body language every few minutes and shift your position so that it matches what you are trying to express.

I do Toastmasters, it's great. A friend has recommended Improv and says it has really helped him.