[Ringo]

Brazilians are very social and it's uncommon to not have friends even at 40+.

At 25, I have about 10 very good friends, most of which I see weekly or monthly, and a few of which I only see on occasion because they live abroad.

Still, I make it a point to reach out to them every few weeks, even if just to say hi and ask them how they're doing. I'm always keeping tabs on them and I'm proud to say many good men consider me a reliable friend and would trust me with all they have.

One indicator I've read here and used when assessing girls is how old their longest friendships are. The reasoning being if a girl doesn't have long lasting friendships, that would likely point to her burning bridges and having to start over often.

I think it also applies to men.

I wonder if in the cases of the guys who posted here the lack of friends is a function of age (again, at 25 it's hard for me to tell), culture or lack of effort.

[Ski pro]

I found myself in this situation the other day, new child has taken up loads of my time in the last few months and I realised I hadn't seen any of my mates for ages (I say mates because I've got a handful of real close friends and they are scattered all over the place ) and it was as if I looked up and realised that I was suddenly very alone. My family is back in the country I come from, not where I live now.

Anyway, I realise that the situation is different in the US, a lot of you seem to move to where the work is, that isn't so common here in Europe but I solved my problem by reaching out to people.

I skyped my family, made an appointment to see my mechanic, had drinks with my mentor, invited a friend for lunch at my new place, sent a dozen messages to various people I had been meaning to catch up with.

It's the nature of Modern life that every is super busy. You have to be proactive in arranging to catch up with people.

[Duke Castile]

All the men dying in hospices uniformly regret that they didn't make more of an effort to maintain the friendships they had when they were younger.

It really doesn't take that much effort to stay in touch with your friends, and the great thing about it, is that you can rekindle and repair these friendships that you have neglected.

It's rewarding to have friends, I was thinking about these topics the other day.

[soviet_dissident]

(06-13-2017 02:18 PM)GreenHills Wrote:  

...

I also think that with so many gays, it ruins male friendships a bit. I don't go to bars much lately, but when I was going, I felt self-conscious about talking to guys. What if he's gay, what if he thinks I'm gay for talking to him? I usually say something about girls to figure out what's the deal, but why should I even have to do this!? I'm a man, he's a man and being gay should be some weird anomaly. Except that it's not.

The proliferation of gays is incredible. I live in a Southern city and I've travelled a bit in the South and they're surprisingly everywhere. I suppose I'm tall and in-shape, so they always find me (they can be pretty aggressive). I have to be extremely careful. (I have a suspicion that all these gays running around has more to do with adverse childhood experiences (i.e., the daycare generation) and less to do with physiology; or, perhaps people are predisposed to it and they have abandonment issues or w/e.)

A guy who I became very close friends with turned out to (most likely) be a closet homosexual, attracted to me. I honestly don't care a friend of mine is gay or not, but my usual experience has been that they end up wanting more from me than friendship, and blow up the relationship over something nonsensical because they either aren't being honest with themselves and/or with me regarding their attraction.

The problem is that gays generally are smarter (higher IQs) than the rest of the population. So for someone like me who religiously listens to Freedomainradio and reads a couple books a week, I don't have much in common with those who can turn a football match on for 4 hours and really enjoy it. And the nonsense most (hot) women are interested in? I can pretend for a night, but save me from that stupidity, baby Jesus.

[fortysix]

(06-14-2017 01:00 PM)soviet_dissident Wrote:  

...

The problem is that gays generally are smarter (higher IQs) than the rest of the population.

^ Why do you think this? (honest question)

[RoastBeefCurtains4Me]

I generally have my best friends at work. I've been lucky to have co-workers that were at least partially red pill in outlook, but usually with some blue pill tendencies. I have gone periods of years with mostly acquaintances. I've lived in my current city for 14 years, and as time goes on, I have more friends that I see 5-10 times a year. Between friends at work, and friends I see outside of work every week or so, it's not bad.

I find it easy to chat with the guy next to me at the bar, but about the only way I actually make real friends is at work. I'd like to branch out, and really start networking and creating my own social circle, or actually, create several different social circles, as I remember having in college.

I will say that in college, I usually met somebody from an existing social circle, and became a member of that circle, and with that approach, I was a member of multiple circles, that I sometimes brought together. This is much easier than creating a new social circle, and this is what I need to try to do again.

[PharaohRa]

I rather have a few very close friends that I know I can rely on than have many many friends who are nothing more than acquaintances and I treat them the same way I treat cash in my wallet. A good trustworthy friend is worth more than its weight in gold.

[LeeEnfield303]

(06-14-2017 06:47 AM)RatInTheWoods Wrote:  

Friends come and go, enemies accumulate.

A man is often defined by his enemies. Not the worst thing in the world....

[aryavritindia]

(06-13-2017 11:51 AM)RexImperator Wrote:  

I was just thinking about this and I realized it's technically true. I have a few close friends from high school and college, etc. but they've all moved far away or we've drifted apart. Yes they're still friends, but we haven't talked in years. As far as everyday life, I just have acquaintances, professional relationships, and family.

Anyone else feel this way?

Yes Bro, when we started our professional life, then our a friends and relatives go far away from us, so for that we have to choose a time and at that time we have to meet them all and enjoy that moment as we enjoy in whole year.

[jamaicabound]

Do you have a desire to have more friends? Personally I'm kind of an introvert, I enjoy a lot of alone time. Sometimes I'll see a tv show like Friends or How I Met Your Mother and be like man it would be nice to have "the gang" to hang with.

Then I realize we live in real life and have jobs and commitments and people dont spend all day hanging out in coffee shops and diners.

Granted many people do have a wide circle of friends. Sometimes I'll go to a friends birthday party and they'll have 50 people. What I don't know is if they are even close with those 50 people or if they send out a mass message to all their facebook friends and these people they have little to no connection with come out of the woodwork for a free open bar. On the other hand my birthday goes by and I have one longtime buddy who I don't see much but who always remembers to message me happy birthday. I normally dont do much outside of maybe getting together with family for a nice dinner and I'm totally cool with that.

Years ago I had a bigger circle of friends. I realized I was putting much more effort into the friendship than others and on a couple instances when I needed them to help me out ie picking up a car from impound or needed a ride because an emergency they couldn't help because they were "busy" Busy playing call of duty. At this point I realized I don't need people in my life unless they are going to be supportive and put the same into a relationship that I do.

To some extent I think even people with a social circle probably dont see them as much as you probably think.

I remember my grandpa told me one time if you have 1 good loyal friend who your friends with for most of your life consider yourself lucky.

[Zanardi]

(06-14-2017 09:34 AM)Ringo Wrote:  

Brazilians are very social and it's uncommon to not have friends even at 40+.

Can I come to Brazil? It sounds like my type of society.

[CallSignBigRed]

I am glad this thread was started because I knew for sure I wasn’t the only one in this boat. For a few years now I wanted to build and release an application that combats against this. Many of us have been traveling for many years whether in the USA or abroad and its hard to meet normal people or just in general even though those who have met me would be surprised.
The application would function similar to WeChat on how you can search people in your surrounding area, request to talk with them and start a conversation.

How this application would be different is it would be live based only, so when you run a search and you see X amount of people, every single person on that search thread will be live that moment. Couch surfing has ran a beta type of this, i tested it in a few cities and its garbage. So lets say you are new transplant wanting to go out that night whether going to the bars or some event across town, you can log onto this app, conduct a search and scan across the users on the list.

The users on that list will write a quick note saying “ I want to go to X bar tonight”. If you want to go with that person send the request, when they accept it will bring you into a chatroom where there is a timer on the right hand corner (Tbd) from there you have x amount of time to introduce yourself to each other, make plans and get each others number. When the timer runs out, you will never see that person ever again on this app.

This is a rough draft as I have quite a few other features that will enhance the user’s experience. I was quoted by a company for 200k estimate, kind of hard to make that leap as I have faith in this idea but I don't know if the demand will actually be there.

[AntiMediocrity]

It all comes to down human progression, it correlates with being social or the likelihood of having a shared pursuit. Let's address the social aspect first:

As a child, we're constantly pushed into social situations - this can be anything from "playdates" to educational facilities (perhaps educational should be in quotations as well). How we react to that differs on the individual, but without a doubt we are forced to interact with others. In College/Uni we tend to have a better idea of who we are and might become part of a clique, and that can mould our social life for perhaps the next 3-5 years, more more. Outside of that, it is a completely different ball game. We will either stay with our school crowd, or merely find people with common pursuits.

Which brings us to progression:

As youth, learning is important for us because it will shape our future. Even those that don't like learning are forced to engage in it somewhat due to it allowing us to actually have future prospects. With adulthood comes a huge difference, there are those who continue the pursuit of growth, but many, many more who do not because a) they're no longer forced to progress (no school) and b) there's no actual need to because they have what they need already (read: complacency).

In b) This can be someone who doesn't have a job, but gets by on benefits provided by the welfare culture of that country.

It can be someone who hasn't necessarily found the girl of their dreams, but settled or even worse - made a mistake and is lumped with a child and it's mother - and in either occasion they have a "partner" so the desire to progress is severely reduced. Or maybe they do have a great partner, and a great job too while we're at it, but because the obligation to progress is no longer there they simply take the days as they come.

Finally perhaps someone is still single, but has given up - choosing instead to play video games and watch porn because it still provides the hormonal benefits we as humans actively seek.

In all examples, there's barely any room for a friendship with single guy who cares about progress regardless of the condition of his life. He likely won't meet the jobless and he certainly won't meet the guy living at home playing his consoles 16/7, not to mention they've given up so progress isn't even on the cards. The one with a partner no longer cares about progressing due to the sheer level of complacency he has, or he chooses to invest all his time on building his children rather than himself.

This is why when you talk about your mountaineering, or your pursuit as an amateur musician, or your studying of world history, or your ultra-marathoning, or your international travels, just about anything which involves personal progression people can't relate. They gave up or stopped caring about that stuff years ago. Or they never really cared in the first place, only adhering to educational requirements.

No relating, no friendship.

___________________________

TL;DR when we're adults we find ourselves either chasing a life of progression (LOP) or in a life of complacency (LOC); an LOP is incompatible with friendships because hardly anyone cares about progression as an adult (no common ground), and an LOC isn't compatible because you simply don't care enough to go out and make new/maintain friendships.

Socialising is no longer a mandatory activity, either.

Quote:

Brazilians are very social and it's uncommon to not have friends even at 40+.

How highly-valued is personal progression in Brazil?

[Fortis]

The one thing I sincerely regret about growing up in the internet age is actually that it's too easy to curate friends.

You can avoid forming friendships with people who are "too" different now. back my dad's era, you were born in an area and you drew your crew frmo that spot. You didn't get to pre-select for IQ or EQ. Those guys were just your friends and you had to learn to work with them.

Now? You can avoid interacting with people who don't fit in your perfect little bubble and you miss out on valuable opportunities to clash with people and learn how to deal with weirdos and other shit.

[Spectrumwalker]

(06-13-2017 11:51 AM)RexImperator Wrote:  

Anyone else feel this way?

Yup. I may be alone, but I'm not lonely. For me it's nothing new. I grew up alone having only dogs and horses to play with until my teens. I learned to become my own best friend at an early age. And if I happen to die alone also, well, that's alright with me too.

I have one good friend in the states who I'd take a bullet for. We go way back and have been through a lot together. The man's like my brother but even now we only chat by whatsapp every now and then. Other than that, since leaving the USA and drifting through South America and Australia I spend like 90% of my time alone. In my life people leave just as quickly as they come. The remaining time with people I'm working for which never lasts that long, and then of course the women who inevitably walk out the door sooner or later never to be seen again. I keep friendships forged and women at an arm's length. Mostly for my own self defense if I'm honest. The sentamentalist in me doesns't like goodbyes. The closer you get to people the more there's more of a sting when it comes time to say farewell as laughs, handshakes, and glimpses of memories with the person flash before you. But such is life. I've been fortunate to become good pals with a couple RVF guys over the past couple years and hope to always stay in touch.

But there ain't nothing wrong with it. For guys like us here, mavericks blazing our own trails and/or avoiding our past lives, a life of solitude is to be expected. A lot of us here are standing against armies all alone in our own respective ways. Not to mention a special breed who can find it difficult to relate with most people let alone having the patience to even try. And Facebook, forget about it. People think it's strange when I say I don't use Facebook. "You don't want friends?", they say with perplexed faces to which I respond "I want to remember people I met along the way as I knew them when I knew them."

I think it was Tom Leykis who said "if I wouldn't invite someone to my house for a BBQ then I don't consider that person a real friend; only an anquantance." That's where I stand.

[MANic]

This truly is an increasing modern phenomenon. I personally have 2 best friends (one who I've known all my life (distant relative and shared primary and secondary education) and the other who was together with us in high school). Granted I don't see them as often as I would have liked. From our original group of six, three have wandered different paths and make contact sparingly.

My mates from uni were as good as dead the second I graduated. Different goals, priorities and misalignments in ideology are probably the key reasons why I have so few true friends. Those who know we assume the exact opposite but it's a case of two friends in a sea of acquaintances.

After seeing this thread, I've resolved to try my best to forge friendships between acquaintances who I believe are well matched. There are many good people who are surrounded by people and yet still lead lonely lives. Many men realise this post-divorce. Who do they turn to for a shoulder to cry/lean on?

Family is vital but no substitute for friendship.

To the poster that mentioned low-income groups having loads of close friends. the spirit of such friendship should have admired but in many cases those can be circlejerks of degeneracy. All in good measure.

[TorontoRocks]

Excellent thread with some very insightful posts. Thanks all for contributing.

A life without friends is a very difficult life. The same effort a man puts in to his work and health should also be put into forming and maintaining friendships. Unfortunately, its friendships that often get neglected.

Its also a warning to those in a LTR/marriage. Focus on forming and maintaining your male friendships. As a previous poster noted, once the breakup/divorce occurs (what, you think it won't?)....who are you going to turn to then?

[Sebastian]

I feel like, after college ages (you just hangout if you click), people want to hang out with you only if you can bring values to their lives.

'Is he going to introduce me to a cool social circle?'

'Can I learn from this guy for whatever I am interested in?'

It's more like a Business Deal. Whatever his intention is, it doesn't matter.

It is more blunt if you go to places like LA. They figure out pretty quick what you can bring to the table and are out if you don't meet the criteria.

I might sound bitter but in the end, I can't complain since I will be doing the Same thing.

[JackinMelbourne]

(06-16-2017 07:50 AM)TorontoRocks Wrote:  

Excellent thread with some very insightful posts. Thanks all for contributing.

A life without friends is a very difficult life. The same effort a man puts in to his work and health should also be put into forming and maintaining friendships. Unfortunately, its friendships that often get neglected.

Its also a warning to those in a LTR/marriage. Focus on forming and maintaining your male friendships. As a previous poster noted, once the breakup/divorce occurs (what, you think it won't?)....who are you going to turn to then?

Look, the fact of the matter is that you're your own best friend. Everyone else comes second or third.

Therefore the eternal order is:

1. you
2. things that keep you and people under you alive and give you the ability to prosper (fitness, education, projects, jobs and careers in this section)
3. your family pets and friends

All in exactly that order. It's been in that order for ever and applies to other species, not just us.

[zatara]

Sports are the easiest way to make male friends once you're finished with college and in your mid 20s and beyond. You'll stay fit, have a social outlet (drinking in the clubhouse/ team nights out), and have a good chance of becoming friends with guys of a similar mindset to yourself if you pick the right sport.

I've moved countries a few times and the first thing I do after sorting out my job and accommodation is always to look for the local rugby club's details and join a team. It gives me a decent social base in the city within a month or two outside of work, which is absolutely key.

[RexImperator]

A little addendum to my original post: I was talking with my barber the other day and coincidentally he mentioned the same exact phenomenon, and how he lost touch with his old crew. (Somewhat deliberately in certain cases.) So we've discussed the possibility of getting together to do some shooting and/or hunting.

[Elster]

It was liberating when I deleted Fb without even backing up pictures.
Very very few "friends" and relatives made an attempt to contact me which was fine with me as it meant there was a reason to still interact with some of them.
Still I've managed to build a circle while here, slowly but surely developing from seed to sapling

[Graft]

(06-17-2017 01:13 AM)Sebastian Wrote:  

I feel like, after college ages (you just hangout if you click), people want to hang out with you only if you can bring values to their lives.

'Is he going to introduce me to a cool social circle?'

'Can I learn from this guy for whatever I am interested in?'

It's more like a Business Deal. Whatever his intention is, it doesn't matter.

It is more blunt if you go to places like LA. They figure out pretty quick what you can bring to the table and are out if you don't meet the criteria.

I might sound bitter but in the end, I can't complain since I will be doing the Same thing.

That's a very accurate assumption. I've definitely been guilty of sizing up my future friends, but even so, my RVF crew in NYC is probably the most authentic I've crew I've had. The value that the RVF crew brings to the table is not found in a man's wallet or sandwiched two teenagers, but the ideas and values that we share.

[Easy_C]

Best experiences I've had is common interest groups. Sports, biker groups, reading, etc. all are great. The internet is also destructive to things as is gaming because a lot of the old social dynamics are gone: playing couch co-op or running through a tabletop RPG game used to make a lot of friendships.

[Zanardi]

OP, have you tried reconnecting with the old friends that used to get along with and didn't move away?