[SanMiguel]

I wouldn't normally post a thread like this but need a RVF perspective on something that happened last night.

Was having a meal out with my girlfriend of nearly a year, serious for half of that. Things are going great then we get onto the subject of a neighbour of hers - sort of a mutual acquaintance, has done some work for me and knows her through someone else - not exactly a friend to either of us but an ok guy. We talk about him a little then from nowhere she tells me they smoked weed together the night before.

This is pretty strange as she barely ever smokes so I naturally say that's weird and want more info. Next I get 'yeah he was round drinking with me and 2 friends, they left but he didn't want to leave. I asked him 5 times to go and he said no." I am pretty pissed but keep calm, ask for more details. She says she really did ask this guy to go 5 times, not worded particularly strongly by the sounds of it, something like 'I'm tired and need to go to bed' to which he's like 'no I'm not drunk enough, can't go home yet lol''. So he refuses but not in a forceful way, but still didn't go. So eventually she says ok we will smoke this joint then you need to go. They did that and he left.

This whole thing put me in a really bad mood immediately and ruined the night. I was pissed off with the guy obviously - someone asks you to leave their house, you do it. Never mind being asked 5 times! He is quite pushy and I have had to be firm with him in the past when saying no to something stupid like his offer to give me a lift home. He has also made a few weird comments - to her and to the mutual friend, about her semi-sexually and in a jokey way asked to rub cream on her back for pain relief (none of this was with me present). He is an ok guy but definitely a bit socially awkward, fairly stupid and delusional in life in general. Not someone I would ever be real friends with, sort of a wannabe gangster but physically harmless - he is 21 so younger than me/her by around 7 years. He has a long distance gf who is also a mutual friend of ours. He hasn't actually made a move and I don't really think he would. I do think that he has shown disrespect, maybe not intentionally - more through poor reading of social cues, but disrespect nonetheless.

With her I am also mad that she says she doesn't really like the guy (and I believe her) but allows him to drink with her and act the way he has. She says she feels sorry for him because he is a bit of a loser with not many friends (all true). The fact she thought the best way to get rid of someone you don't want in your house is to offer to smoke weed with them is concerning ... normally she is very smart. Another issue I have is a guy is refusing to leave her house - not in an aggressive way but still refusing, why didn't she phone me? I live less than 5 minutes away and would have happily told him straight and kicked him out. I actually text her goodnight around 10.30pm on this night, to which never got a reply even though this weed smoking was around midnight. We are not in the habit of texting every minute or every night even, but normally reply to each other if we do send a 'goodnight' text. It's worth mentioning that although I am aware of AWALT I see absolutely no way she would cheat on me, she is completely in love and especially wouldn't cheat with this guy who is no competition in any way.

This was last night and I am still pretty pissed today which is really annoying and ruining what could be a great day. I left her at her house last night and haven't spoke since. I intend to tell the guy face to face that if someone tells him to leave their house, he leaves. I will call him out on the weird stuff he said and then have nothing more to do with him. I am not sure what to do with her though, so far I see no point in any contact while I am this pissed off.

Writing this out has helped somewhat. I appreciate your thoughts and please tell me if you think I am overreacting or what you would do.

[Mufasa]

Quote:

why didn't she phone me?

Careful man. I think your girl is lying somewhat to you. You feeling weird about this is your gut trying to tell you something because deep down you know shit is off....Girls are experts at "not lying". She told you a truth that isn't a lie but omitted incriminating details know what I mean.

If you feel a tingle in your nuts it cuz a bitch is about to kick you in the balls, proceed with caution.

[MediumRare]

Be careful, do not write this guy off as being no threat.
He definitely has plans for her and obviously does not respect or fear you enough to stay clear.

You already know this which is why you wrote this thread.

Just because you as an intelligent man can see through his delusional front, does not mean your girl can, you will be amazed at how much utter bullshit seemingly otherwise intelligent girls will eat up.
If it's pushing the right buttons, attraction is not a choice.

He was also dominating her by not leaving which will cause her to be attracted to him.

You need to put it on him so he gets the message loud and clear, but without losing your cool.
Quiet but intimidating, tell him through your eyes not with words, look right into him and make sure he looks away first.
Hopefully u actually got something to back that up with.

Her not replying is also suspicious, maybe more happened and only partial truth is being trickled out to ease her guilt.
Or maybe she just felt guilty and perturbed for enjoying his dominant presence more than she would like.

Don't take it out on her, she's only a girl and can't help it really.
Seems like she's into you but if you're serious about her, your job is to protect her from advances by people like this guy, they only have limited self restraint.

Good luck

[Neo]

Yeah...well here's my interpretation.

Something probably happened beyond just the pot smoking, it could be as innocuous as her maybe getting 'the feels' for this guy but she feels guilty about something. She's trying hard to convince you that nothing was her fault.

First, you state she just blurted out they smoked weed together 'out of nowhere.' I wish I was there to read her body language when she said this. Clearly something in the conversation triggered an emotional reaction, was it guilt? Maybe.

Then when you ask for more information she says she tried to get him to leave, but he wouldn't. Now does that sound like a guy who 'would never make a move?' Nope. To me it seems like a dude who's persistent and is smelling blood.

Then there's this:

Quote:

She says she feels sorry for him because he is a bit of a loser with not many friends (all true)

I wish I had a dollar for every time I heard that line! What she's really saying is she has some type of emotional feeling towards him. 100%, don't believe that she doesn't for a second. This is backed up by the evidence that she still hangs out with him, although she says she doesn't really like the guy.

Here are two instances I remember clearly from my own experience. First was from an attached girl I was banging, she was cheating (with me) but I knew she had no intention of leaving her husband. It was just sex for me so I could care less. When I asked why she didn't leave her husband, guess what she said.

"I feel really sorry for him because he is a bit of a loser with not many friends." The line verbatim. BTW she's still married to him.

The next round. Met a girl started hooking up, after a month she cancels on me. Odd, through a mutual friend I found out she went to hang out with her ex. When I confronted her she got all pissy and said: "But I feel really sorry for him cause he doesn't have many friends!" But she was banging him before me.

Don't underestimate vulnerability game. There are some guys who are experts at the vulnerable/victim game and play women like guitar strings with it. I think this guy is more devious and Machiavellian than you think. Remember, girls need to know there is something 'wrong' with you, that's the only way they know they can sink their claws into you.

But ok what's done is done. I'd keep an eye on the situation and watch her behavior like a hawk for a while. Let us know how it goes.

[Leonard D Neubache]

(03-19-2017 07:38 AM)SanMiguel Wrote:  

...
With her I am also mad that she says she doesn't really like the guy (and I believe her) but allows him to drink with her and act the way he has. She says she feels sorry for him because he is a bit of a loser with not many friends (all true).
...

Strange situation but not complicated.

You tell your girl:

"Congrats, you don't have to deal with this loser that you don't really like any more. Give me his number. I'm going to text him the following message."

John Smith. You treated my woman with disrespect in her own house. By my word, which is absolute and encompasses all, you will not put yourself in her presence again unless I too am present. I will take a lack of reply as an affirmation. If this is difficult for you to understand then I will take great delight in explaining it to you in person. Good day.

Fuckwits that young don't understand subtle messages, and your girlfriend in any case is more or less telling you "I can't handle this situation and I want you, the man, to deal with it for me."

Deal with it for her.

p.s. Tell your girlfriend that unless she wants to find herself with the unenviable task of picking this motherfucker's teeth out of your fist then she better fucking respect your decision.

[PapayaTapper]

How did the topic of the guy come up? Who initially brought up the guy in the conversation at dinner? You or her? I think it's relevant

If she did then I think she might be "testing " your reaction to take a temperature on your relationship. Even if you think she's not the type to create drama she might be Why else not call you while he's there but only then bring him up later?

Did you just happen to mention the guy? If so her disclosure about smoking weed with him was defensive In her mind :"Oh shit he just mentioned (insert chodes name) He must know we hung out without him being there"...because that's how she ( all chicks ) thinks and would do if it were the other way around

Maybe nothing happened but you're right to be pissed. I'd calmly tell her (in your own fashion) "I won't have my GF smoking weed or hanging out with men late at night" State your position calmly yet firmly.With strong eye contact (super important) If it was a test this is what shes looking for. Lay down your law.

As far as chode boy. You know as well as we all do that joking around with sexual innuendo is barely hidden code for "I want to fuck you, just kidding...but not really ". He may be an awkward chump but he's a guy looking to get his dick wet like everyone else. I only know how I'd handle it. I'd stand my 6'3" 240 lb of contained Cuban fury an inch from his stupid face and say something like "Next time I hear you hung out with my GF alone the only fucking that will happen is me fucking you in the ass"

But that's just me

[pitbullowner]

(03-19-2017 08:30 AM)MediumRare Wrote:  

.

Just because you as an intelligent man can see through his delusional front, does not mean your girl can, you will be amazed at how much utter bullshit seemingly otherwise intelligent girls will eat up.

And depending on how hard she's friendzoned him she is about to get pounced on by him if she hasn't been already.


OP play your cards delicately here...I'd say do a soft fade for a couple of days to a week (if you can) and find some tail elsewhere for a little bit to clear your head.

[Mufasa]

(03-19-2017 09:06 AM)Leonard D Neubache Wrote:  

(03-19-2017 07:38 AM)SanMiguel Wrote:  

...
With her I am also mad that she says she doesn't really like the guy (and I believe her) but allows him to drink with her and act the way he has. She says she feels sorry for him because he is a bit of a loser with not many friends (all true).
...

Strange situation but not complicated.

You tell your girl:

"Congrats, you don't have to deal with this loser that you don't really like any more. Give me his number. I'm going to text him the following message."

John Smith. You treated my woman with disrespect in her own house. By my word, which is absolute and encompasses all, you will not put yourself in her presence again unless I too am present. I will take a lack of reply as an affirmation. If this is difficult for you to understand then I will take great delight in explaining it to you in person. Good day.

Fuckwits that young don't understand subtle messages, and your girlfriend in any case is more or less telling you "I can't handle this situation and I want you, the man, to deal with it for me."

Deal with it for her.

p.s. Tell your girlfriend that unless she wants to find herself with the unenviable task of picking this motherfucker's teeth out of your fist then she better fucking respect your decision.

[Windom Earle]

Don't discount the possibility that the entire story was fabricated as a mega shit test of sorts, to see how you'd react.

My thoughts are that if anything adulterous did go down, she'd be making every effort to conceal that fact from you, rather than casually bringing up weed smoking with this guy in conversation.

To have more certainly however, I'd be doing some cross examination. Ask your girl, casual like, how the weed was smoked i.e. if it was a joint, who rolled it? If he rolled it, you can say next time you see him "my gf says you're shit at rolling joints", whilst gauging his reaction. If he's dim witted enough, he'll either spill the beans or you'll at least get a read on his body language to get a feel if something doesn't add up.

[Latan]

OP, I think the anger you feel is your intuition, telling you more is currently happening than your girl is saying.

She didn't tell him "Get the fuck out of my house" 5 times.
She used some bullshit excuse like "I have to work early tomorrow, I'm not sure I have time now...".
He deflected her shit test, so could stay with her, even got to smoke her weed as a bonus.

I think she even could have feelings for him, and you saw her guilt.
Maybe she even fucked him once, because "the poor dude has no friend, so I felt pity for him, this doesn't count, blablabla".

If I were you, I'd do 3 things:

1- Go talk to him, Face To Face, and tell him, in no uncertain term, not to talk to your girl ever again, or there will be consequences.
Don't do that for the girl, there are billions other, but for youself : he doesn't respect you, so you put him back to his place.

2- Go silent on the girl for a few days / week, see how she reacts.
When you see her again, act cold, as if you knew everything and were ready to move on to an other relationship.
She might talk then, tell you what she really did.

3- In my meantime, begin approaching other girls, your relationship with this one might be already over.

Whatever you do, keep your cool, keep your frame, do not show any anger, only determination.
Anger is weakness, in the eyes of both sexes.

[SanMiguel]

Thanks for all the replies, really appreciate it. I do not see any way on Earth she could be physically or mentally attracted to this guy but know anything is possible with women. I also don't think this guy possesses an ounce of game except maybe his persistence. Without sounding like one of those guys with his head in the clouds, oblivious to the nature of women, I genuinely do not believe anything actually happened and I'm pretty sure the thought of this guy in any sexual way would be disgusting to her.

The topic of this guy came up in general conversation, nothing more. He is a funny thing to joke about at the moment for a number of reasons. Anyway, I went to his house earlier but no reply at the door - will probably try again later. It might be difficult getting through to him given that English is not his native language nor a good level but we will see...

She thinks I am behaving 'ridiculously' towards her and will cause problems as he lives so close and with the many mutual friends etc. She wouldn't meet me so we texted back and forth a bit and it's going nowhere so back to no contact. I said I have right to be pissed at her too, specifically no reply to the text while he was there or phone call to remove him. She says she handled the situation well because he left without argument after smoking the weed.

I am now thinking it's best to cut my losses on this one. Don't feel any need to add extra stress/drama to my life over a girl. Is a shame because she really is a great girl but aside from this situation our lives will likely be heading different ways in the near future anyway.

[Alpha_Romeo]

Next time you see her say, "Look, I took Johnny Shitbag out for a beer and we had a very interesting discussion about what went down the other night... [pause for dramatic effect while coldly staring into her eyes]... Now is there anything you want to tell me?"

[XXL]

You should be worried about her not him. The guy did what guys do. You cannot change that. Your girl is the person who allows something or not though.

Good thing us she did not tell you about that scene cause she wanted to avoid that conversation and explaining to you what happened there. She cares. We do the same if we actually are about our girl. We do not want to worry or bother her with details about our situations with other women.

[asdfk]

A fair warning. You might think that ripping on this guy together with your girlfriend will decrease his value in her eyes. This is not the case. I don't understand why, but the more you talk with another man in that way with a woman, the more curious she becomes about fucking him. Being persistent is 80% of game.

When I was in college, there used to be this guy who would try to bang every girl I fucked. A friendless, social inept and fat loser who just kept trying and trying without actually pushing at the right times and therefore was not getting anywhere, so I shrugged it off. One day, he succeeds (through persistence) with a girl who was actually meaningful to me. That taught me the hard way that you shouldn't allow someone in your social circle who is trying to leech of you.
Also, I banged a lot of girls in a relationship through social circle. So I guess the joke is on me.

[Turnus]

(03-19-2017 07:38 AM)SanMiguel Wrote:  

It's worth mentioning that although I am aware of AWALT I see absolutely no way she would cheat on me, she is completely in love and especially wouldn't cheat with this guy who is no competition in any way.

Be careful with this line of thinking young grasshopper.

[Gorgiass]

A plausible reason to bring it up is so that you don't hear about her being alone with so and so from someone else, and think she was alone and hiding it from you for some reason. Many women will go to great lengths to avoid a socially awkward confrontation, which calling you over to evict a neighbor and friend of a friend would have most definitely created. Run that scenario through your mind - what would have happened if she covertly texted you a brief message for help and you came over and found this dude who supposedly wouldn't leave, alone with her? Do you think that's a situation she's going to want to see go down?

I would've said something like "Man, that's fucked up, what a weirdo. I hope you didn't leave any drinks open in the room with him. Next time I want you to text me if something like this happens, don't worry I won't make a scene but he'll know that he doesn't belong there alone with you, that's for sure."

You need to be the strong man she can count on to have her back without losing his cool, not the needy guy who's paranoid she's going to bang some social reject who's alone in the room with her for ten minutes (and whether you tell us or her that that is your fear, it comes across as your fear from the very fact that you're this upset about it). Things are only a big deal when the person with the stronger frame makes them one.

Stuff like this happens all the time, don't blow it out of proportion.

Edit: and don't send some tough-guy thinly veiled threat via text, that shit never works and would make you look weaker than ever.

[rudebwoy]

The good news is that she told you, so I'm not sure why you would end a good relationship without any real proof.

I respect the fact that you went to his front door to confront him, texting and calling is weak.

Sadly, when dealing with attractive girls this shit is going to happen.
Guys will try their shit no matter what, this is why it's important to establish a strong frame with the gal from the beginning.

Finally, I have seen girls fuck all kinds of creepy guys or guys I thought were below me. I NEVER vouch for any girl because I know what they can do under any circumstances.

[doc holliday]

(03-19-2017 10:43 PM)rudebwoy Wrote:  

The good news is that she told you, so I'm not sure why you would end a good relationship without any real proof.

I respect the fact that you went to his front door to confront him, texting and calling is weak.

Sadly, when dealing with attractive girls this shit is going to happen.
Guys will try their shit no matter what, this is why it's important to establish a strong frame with the gal from the beginning.

Finally, I have seen girls fuck all kinds of creepy guys or guys I thought were below me. I NEVER vouch for any girl because I know what they can do under any circumstances.

It really is amazing the lengths guys will go to score some hot pussy, even if it is OPP (other people's pussy). There is absolutely no honor left amongst men these days so there is no doubt this dude was trying to get with this chick. Having the strong frame is critical because Rudeboy is right, this bs is going to happen. This chick needs to understand in no uncertain terms that you will walk with zero fucks given if she decides she wants to experiment with this or other dudes. I'm of the firm belief that the way to keep an attractive chick in line is to make it clear to her that you're the prize, not her. I've even gone so far as to tell chicks that which really gets their heads spinning. In the end just warn her not to do anything stupid or you'll walk. A person's ability to walk away is their ultimate power in any relationship so leverage it hard if need be.

[Travesty]

Uh has no one mentioned she is 28 and this guy is 21?

That's a college kid vs. what should be a fully grown and mature woman.

If a college kid can push a 28 year old woman to smoke weed when she does not want to she isn't a keeper. For her that should have been like babysitting a brat.

That would be like having a girlfriend you have to worry that her little brother's 16 year old friend could push her into getting fucked up lol.

[SanMiguel]

^^ Yeah that did come to mind. She is definitely strong enough to put someone in their place if needed so I am not sure the asking to leave 5 times if completely true. We haven't spoken since except texts which I can post here if they will help. The fact that when I said I was going to talk to the guy her reply was 'about what?' doesn't sit well.

I am leaning towards maybe she was bored/lonely that night and was happy to have someone to talk to and have a few drinks/smoke. She probably didn't want him to stay quite as long as he did but he wasn't exactly unwelcome to begin with.

Overall I've wasted a lot of time and energy being angry and thinking about all this. She says via text she was learnt her lesson and won't let him in the house again but is also really upset with me for 'taking it out on her'. I didn't want to talk through text and she wouldn't meet me so I didn't really get my argument across yesterday.

I realise this sort of thing will come up with hot girls and am usually very good at keeping cool or laughing off other guys attempts. This one seemed a bit more though because it wasn't as one sided as it should of been.

I haven't seen the guy yet but will do at some point. With her I will ask how she would feel if I didn't reply to her text at night, then told her I was actually drinking/smoking with another girl. And that if she really has a problem with any guy she comes to me without exception. She is quite aware that I will have no problem leaving without contact if necessary.

[Jetset]

(03-19-2017 07:38 AM)SanMiguel Wrote:  

Not someone I would ever be real friends with, sort of a wannabe gangster but physically harmless - he is 21 so younger than me/her by around 7 years. He has a long distance gf who is also a mutual friend of ours. He hasn't actually made a move and I don't really think he would. I do think that he has shown disrespect, maybe not intentionally - more through poor reading of social cues, but disrespect nonetheless.

With her I am also mad that she says she doesn't really like the guy (and I believe her) but allows him to drink with her and act the way he has. She says she feels sorry for him because he is a bit of a loser with not many friends (all true). The fact she thought the best way to get rid of someone you don't want in your house is to offer to smoke weed with them is concerning ... normally she is very smart. Another issue I have is a guy is refusing to leave her house - not in an aggressive way but still refusing, why didn't she phone me? I live less than 5 minutes away and would have happily told him straight and kicked him out. I actually text her goodnight around 10.30pm on this night, to which never got a reply even though this weed smoking was around midnight. We are not in the habit of texting every minute or every night even, but normally reply to each other if we do send a 'goodnight' text.

This is the most important excerpt.

"wannabe gangster"
"normally she is very smart"
"why didn't she phone me"
"never got a reply"

As you yourself say, she has good judgment. If she's showing bad judgment about a situation that, from your perspective, serves her no purpose, you should check your premises. Maybe it does serve her some purpose that you aren't being honest with yourself about and she actually knew exactly what she was doing. As others noted, she's 28. She knows better, and she was obviously occupied with this guy for some time.

Regardless of what actually happened, its a stupid game to play and someone will eventually be awarded a stupid prize. As you note, reverse the situation and it would be intolerable to her: some low-value skank hanging out at your house at night getting high while you ignore her texts? She'd be an idiot if she didn't figure out that there was only one way this person could be useful to you.

Not saying to next her, just saying that you're right to view this as a significant red flag.

[Chowder Head]

She probably only smoked a blunt with him. And by blunt, I mean his cock. Switch positions, how would she feel if she heard you were drinking and smoking with 3 broads and one of those broads stayed the night? If she's saying you're blowing it out of proportion, she had his balls bouncing off her chin. Because she would lose her shit if roles were reversed. This was disrespectful behavior. I'd have a face to face with that prick. She needs a spanking!

[Dalaran1991]

(03-19-2017 01:00 PM)SanMiguel Wrote:  

She thinks I am behaving 'ridiculously' towards her and will cause problems as he lives so close and with the many mutual friends etc. She wouldn't meet me so we texted back and forth a bit and it's going nowhere so back to no contact. I said I have right to be pissed at her too, specifically no reply to the text while he was there or phone call to remove him. She says she handled the situation well because he left without argument after smoking the weed.

Red flag.

She is definitely worried more about her social circle, which by the way includes this guy, than how you feel, and the potential seriousness of the situation.

With any of my LTR, the moment she is spending time alone with a guy (except for CLEAR professional situation) that moment she is on trial.

Spending time at night together with someone, is pretty damn serious, given how many of us here banged girls with boyfriend during day game.

I banged a girl who was in a LTR after we went to martial art class together. Her boyfriend is a Greek anarchist who was once arrested for molotov-cocktailing a government building.

Plus, I dont know about her, but none of my friends nor me enjoy smoking weed with someone whose company you find annoying.

As ever, its not what happened that counts. Its her reaction.

I wont tell you to next a LTR because I'm against it. This incident needs to be taken in regards to the general mood lately. I reposted here what Roosh posted in my LTR thread:

Quote:

1. She doesn't respect his authority. To test if this is the case, we'd need confirmation with other behavior. Has she been rolling her eyes at you lately? Has she been more flakey? Has she been more active on social media or with single friends? If she is losing respect for you, it's because the leash on her is too slack OR she doesn't want a leash at all. If it's the former, you have to tighten the leash by laying down the law and upholding it. If it's the latter, you won't be able to continue.

2. She has depression, bipolar disorder, or other mental disease. Does mental illness run in her family? Has she told you her mother/father/siblings are depressed? Because this problem can't easily be solved (medication has side effects), this will degrade her in your eyes as a potential mother.

3. There's another man in her orbit and she wants out of the relationship. Even when a girl emotionally checks out of a relationship, she rather be dumped so that she can play the victim to her family and friends. And when you do dump her, she will act as if she didn't want that result and try to half-heartedly patch things up. Unless you get confirmation by checking out her phone/Facebook/etc that she's talking to other guys, you won't be able to confirm this.

Good luck,

[Off The Reservation]

What ended up happening?

[Darkwing Buck]

(03-19-2017 01:00 PM)SanMiguel Wrote:  

Thanks for all the replies, really appreciate it. I do not see any way on Earth she could be physically or mentally attracted to this guy but know anything is possible with women. I also don't think this guy possesses an ounce of game except maybe his persistence. Without sounding like one of those guys with his head in the clouds, oblivious to the nature of women, I genuinely do not believe anything actually happened and I'm pretty sure the thought of this guy in any sexual way would be disgusting to her.

Don't be naive. Women are irrational as fuck. I'm sure plenty of guys thought those exact same things about me before I had my tongue down their girlfriend's throat. Smh...

Quote:

She thinks I am behaving 'ridiculously' towards her and will cause problems as he lives so close and with the many mutual friends etc. She wouldn't meet me so we texted back and forth a bit and it's going nowhere so back to no contact. I said I have right to be pissed at her too, specifically no reply to the text while he was there or phone call to remove him. She says she handled the situation well because he left without argument after smoking the weed.

I am now thinking it's best to cut my losses on this one. Don't feel any need to add extra stress/drama to my life over a girl. Is a shame because she really is a great girl but aside from this situation our lives will likely be heading different ways in the near future anyway.

She wouldn't meet? You don't have a girlfriend anymore. Also that bitch is probably lying or why would she be acting up...?