[dopvlur]

Hi RVF.

In the last 3 years all of you have been my friends, my mentors and the people I admire so much. I barely contribute, but I'm asking you advice for a male finding meaning in his life. General Stalin, WIA, Courage Reborn, CleanSlate, Suits, Fisto, Digital Nomad, Linux, Roosh, newbies, all opinions are welcome.

I'll start telling my lifestory, and isn't to justify my acts, past is past.

Me and gaming

32 years old, good looking white hispanic, 180cm, 88kg, 20%bf, dress middle class (Coach, Express, Emporio Armani, good shoes, etc), no problem gaming girls, 12 to 15 notches per year with minimal effort in the 20 to 28 bracket, keeping 3 to 4 plates spinning during the year. Notch count around 80, only daygame in malls and street, not a single one from online, I like the challenge doing Zero Date Bangs.

Family and education

I'm from a country in latinamerica, born in a very poor family, my mother left me with my grandparents, never knew about my father until last year that I research him trough government contacts and found him, first and last time I talked to him, told me he married twice, was a lawyer, great success, former alcoholic, impregnated my mother but never lived with her. My mother had other 3 kids from 2 different couples. Living with lovely grandparents and uncles, always the 1st in Elementary school, probably not rewarded so much, never had a bday cake or big gifts.

In secondary school I was top 3 if not the most popular in school, in Feb 14th received a lot of gifts, balloons and that shit. Make out with lots of girls, I had the fame of sucking titties and grabbing ass and pussy.

In High School started as well studying electromechanical technician, according to my family College was a waste of time and must start working in a factory. I ended up working in a factory 2 years in a very masculine environment, meeting contractors from many countries, and then I made the decision that life wasn't for me, and enter to study Psychology (1st career change). Got a few bangs at this stage, thinking that after 18 I would not be able anymore to fuck underage girls (and never do that as adult). Drinking heavily and partying hard.

In College I was working at nights and studying in the mornings, very tiring years, banging many girls, very focused, always 1st in class. Then I meet my ex-wife, at 21 years had the best sex of my life with her, and then started my life to distrust women, she told me she was on the pill, I throw to the trash the condoms and after 4 months she suddenly got pregnant. I thought my life was over and the right decision is to keep the baby and got married.

Got married and I was daydreaming all day, thinking about travelling, going out, watched a lot of porn and started to drink to forget about the marriage. Then she told me she had over 20 in the notch count, I felt betrayed and disgusted, also my kid was diagnosed with autism. Thinking in god and believing I don't deserved that life, why life gave me a kid with autism, why I chose that girl, after 3 years ended up moving, since then I watch my kid every weekend, my ex-wife marry again and has other 2 kids.

After separation without knowing of the MGTOW I was doing some of that, spend like 3 years of my life working in a shitty QA job, without having sex, fapping every night, crying about why I left my son, telling myself I didn't have the balls to accept the past of my ex-wife, why I left them and didn't forgive her.

At 27 I meet an ex-teacher from college and invited me to give class as assistant professor and my life changed, I was honor awarded for being the best in my class and was easy for him to recommend me, I accepted and until last year I quit. Being in college as professor I started a job as psychologist in the government then after 3 years I escalated lots of positions and finished managing people (2nd career change), was very proud of myself, started to go out again, very nice position, finished a masters, never dreamed about earning that much every month, having a nice life, found RVF and started to refine my gaming technique, started to travel all over my country and in US Los Angeles, San Diego (sometimes with short cash, but travelling anyway) living alone, dressing nice, plates coming to home every night, working out very hard, zinc, all 2016 in the wagon of no alcohol, no porn, no fap, no drugs, no cofee, just banging, working, and gym.

CASE STUDY

In september 2016 met a girl in a routine night in a food truck spot, she just was another number, I remember grabbed 3 number that sunday night, the next wednesday she was on my pad, I made the classic first date Teriyaki Chicken and I was fingering her 2 hours later. She refused to have sex with me (2nd date girl). The next date I was fucking her, she was another plate, solid 8, 28yo, engineer, nice car, etc. The sex was amazing and the chit chat too, I knew it she was on the wall, but I started to fall in love and asked me for a exclusive relationship, thinked about it 2 weeks then I accepted. It was hard telling 4 plates it was over.

We travelled a lot, and started to knowing her more, and found many red flags, clubbed pretty hard very young, traveled to Cancun, Mexico with her friends, wanted to marry and having a kid next year after knew me only 2 months, jelousy, she said notch count was 4, I didn't believe it, she wanted I started to drink with her after being sober an entire year. On the other side sex was always available, family treat me well, didn't know to cook but always she tried to learn, etc.

After 3 months I started to feel trapped, I started to drink once per week, I started to fap because I was daydreaming about getting all the juicy girls from the gym, I started to feel bad about myself, didn't watch my kid a few weekends because I was with her, I quit my job after 5 years looking for a change in another field, bought a PS4 after years without videogaming. I knew everything in myself started to change for bad.

So last night I tell her it was over, she cried a lot, she tell me she deserved a better men, that she missed opportunities from another guys that were looking for her, I told her I don't want to marry in the next years or have a kid (I'm afraid of having an autistic kid again), I felt very bad last night, for some moments believed it was a wrong decision, she texted me asking if I was loyal during our time (and yes I was loyal). I started to think last night I was going to die alone and she was only doing her best, that she was the one, that I was just being as always egocentric. Don't know if was the best decision, probably will never know, I just want to figure out the next step.

Now I don't have a job or business, no girl, no plates, I'll go out with my son later today with my uncles for a family reunion. I'll share this to my friends but I know they don't understand.

Have cash to live a year without work, job offers, many ideas and feel I can't stick to them. Start to play videogames seriously, start a blog, travel, accept a job offer, etc. Only have a planned trip to Mexico DF in march for concerts.

Feel my head is a mess and can't find any meaning of what am I doing, then this post gave me a lot of fresh air, thanks Courage Reborn.

(07-06-2014 01:58 PM)Courage Reborn Wrote:  

I struggle with frequent bouts of loneliness.

Choosing the life of a sovereign man is a lonely business.

I have girls in over a dozen countries. I think of them often. Miss them. Once in a while I revisit. But it's never the same. Experience has taught me that chasing the past is a waste of time.

Moving forward, through the loneliness, is the only way. Revisiting ex gf's, is never the right answer. Things ended for a reason. It's hard to endure the loneliness. But when I do, I come out the other side stronger.

Stranger in a strange country. A few flakes. An unsuccessful night out. A few blows like this, and I need a few days of recovery before my game is on point again.

But I know 1 thing for sure. The loneliness of a playboy is my personal choice. And I choose it over the confines of a blue pill prison. Loneliness is the price of freedom.

I've been in the game a long time. The longer I've played, the more price I have paid. In stretches of alone time, and bouts of loneliness.

I don't want to be a "player for life". That price is too high for me personally. But I take great comfort in knowing that due to the work I've put in, I will always have options.

Wanted to share with you, I want to meet any RVF in person, I have time and resources, also if someone wants to share me location independence tips being a mentor let me know, I offer you a nice wingman, advice in HR, and all my experience. Right now my only plan is to see my kid often, help him as much as I can do and years later look if he can live with me (if thats the better for him, due brothers, family, etc.), travel a few months every year if I can make a plan of location independence. Have a lot of free time right now.

Thanks for your time. I apologyze if this belongs to the newbie forum.

[kiwi12]

You don't sound like guy who studied psychology.

As a guy who battled inner daemons because of my fucked up childhood I recommend you to check this great thread by Dusty. Also you should read and practice stoicism. This book is great introduction into stoicism

Edit: Also you did the right thing by ending your mini LTR.

[dopvlur]

(03-04-2017 03:14 PM)kiwi12 Wrote:  

You don't sound like guy who studied psychology.

As a guy who battled inner daemons because of my fucked up childhood I recommend you to check this great thread by Dusty also you should read and practice stoicism. This book is great introduction into stoicism

Thanks kiwi! I'll read both books and will let you know my impressions. It will help for sure, something to reprogram what I tell to myself, what I deserve, simply enjoy life.

Many people guess I studied law or engineering, also I'm not english native and I don't write in english often.

[RatInTheWoods]

I think its sad that when you are in a LTR you feel trapped and miss stray pussy. I think a part of you knows what you will miss out on, but you can not help feeling that way for now.

So, you have done the right thing. An LTR is not for you, at the moment. That might change later.

You need to go back to the things that you know will make you happy. A job, Gym, plates and no commitments.

They are your happiest times, you know that, so move back to that discipline and happiness.

Good luck, and remember all the good things in your life, with gratitude when you are feeling low.
Think of the abundance, health and opportunites you have. How can you feel sad with that?

[dopvlur]

(03-04-2017 07:21 PM)RatInTheWoods Wrote:  

I think its sad that when you are in a LTR you feel trapped and miss stray pussy. I think a part of you knows what you will miss out on, but you can not help feeling that way for now.

So, you have done the right thing. An LTR is not for you, at the moment. That might change later.

You need to go back to the things that you know will make you happy. A job, Gym, plates and no commitments.

They are your happiest times, you know that, so move back to that discipline and happiness.

Good luck, and remember all the good things in your life, with gratitude when you are feeling low.
Think of the abundance, health and opportunites you have. How can you feel sad with that?

Thanks Rat.

I really appreciate your input, I'm in a state of paralysis and suddenly making decisions. Sometimes comes a feeling I deserve everything, but forget the hard work.

I need to calm down and look in everything I have right now and the position to choice what I want.

[Rawmeo]

It's all right to get into a LTR, but if you are at the point where you feel trapped and get a hard-on on every pussy that passes, you should have a side chick - if you find a girl that accepts it, then good for you, otherwise you just have to be discreet.

You did the right thing by dumping your first wife, but you should have known her notch count before dating her, so ensure that you don't end up with that. Virgins are the best, girls with 1-2 notches MIGHT do the trick, but a girl with 20+ notches is just wrecked. Along with an autistic son, you did the right thing by pulling the plug.

Now for your main question: Yes, ending your mini-LTR was the right move. She might be a good match for someone else, but she wasn't suited for you. Your life principles were no alcohol, no porn, and hitting the gym. She didn't respect that, so she's now a cement ball tied to your ankle - and needs to get ridden of. The same rule applies to friends, family, relationships, and acquaintances. If someone does not respect your lifestyle and is pressuring you to do things that you don't want, it's time to walk away.

Now here's what you should do now: Hit the gym again, stop drinking again, start gaming like before. Take a few years for yourself to do whatever you want, after all you're only 32 - then start looking for the perfect wife. But before that, you need to fuck enough so that you'll be satisfied for a long while.

It will feel lonely at first, but it's better to be lonely than accompanied by the wrong people.

[kaotic]

(03-04-2017 02:47 PM)dopvlur Wrote:  

CASE STUDY

In september 2016 met a girl in a routine night in a food truck spot, she just was another number, I remember grabbed 3 number that sunday night, the next wednesday she was on my pad, I made the classic first date Teriyaki Chicken and I was fingering her 2 hours later. She refused to have sex with me (2nd date girl). The next date I was fucking her, she was another plate, solid 8, 28yo, engineer, nice car, etc. The sex was amazing and the chit chat too, I knew it she was on the wall, but I started to fall in love and asked me for a exclusive relationship, thinked about it 2 weeks then I accepted. It was hard telling 4 plates it was over.

How long was it before you thought you fell in love with her ?

Its good you thought about the exclusivity.

Quote:

After 3 months I started to feel trapped, I started to drink once per week, I started to fap because I was daydreaming about getting all the juicy girls from the gym, I started to feel bad about myself, didn't watch my kid a few weekends because I was with her, I quit my job after 5 years looking for a change in another field, bought a PS4 after years without videogaming. I knew everything in myself started to change for bad.

You were definitely subconsciously were ejecting from the relationship and thinking about other things. Even consciously you knew it eventually.

Quote:

So last night I tell her it was over, she cried a lot, she tell me she deserved a better men, that she missed opportunities from another guys that were looking for her, I told her I don't want to marry in the next years or have a kid (I'm afraid of having an autistic kid again), I felt very bad last night, for some moments believed it was a wrong decision, she texted me asking if I was loyal during our time (and yes I was loyal). I started to think last night I was going to die alone and she was only doing her best, that she was the one, that I was just being as always egocentric. Don't know if was the best decision, probably will never know, I just want to figure out the next step.

The fact she said that means she wasn't really serious about you two - she was definitely looking around - I'd bet money if you saw her phone or FB messages she was talking to other dudes and had plenty of orbiters who were feeding her ego.

It even raises more questions that she started questioning YOU of all things about being loyal - this leads me to believe even more she might of been doing some shady shit.

We all die, regardless of being with or without someone.

In my eyes - you made a great decision.

You weren't ready - she obviously wasn't serious - you came out ahead.

Quote:

Now I don't have a job or business, no girl, no plates, I'll go out with my son later today with my uncles for a family reunion. I'll share this to my friends but I know they don't understand.

Have cash to live a year without work, job offers, many ideas and feel I can't stick to them. Start to play videogames seriously, start a blog, travel, accept a job offer, etc. Only have a planned trip to Mexico DF in march for concerts.

Wanted to share with you, I want to meet any RVF in person, I have time and resources, also if someone wants to share me location independence tips being a mentor let me know, I offer you a nice wingman, advice in HR, and all my experience. Right now my only plan is to see my kid often, help him as much as I can do and years later look if he can live with me (if thats the better for him, due brothers, family, etc.), travel a few months every year if I can make a plan of location independence. Have a lot of free time right now.

Thanks for your time. I apologyze if this belongs to the newbie forum.

You've got some time and money which is great.

FAMILY FIRST - take care of yourself and son.

Find something you love doing and make it a life.

Stop playing video games, start going to the gym instead, stop fapping.

Start looking for work and start posting more RVF - there are meetups happening all the time.

Start poking around the travel and meet up thread, stop drinking so much as well.