[VincentVinturi]

I've got a girlfriend who met a guy on Tinder about a year (before we were together) and she's talked with him "as a friend" ever since.

He "understands" her and she can talk freely with him about all sorts of shit including me.

He's coming to Thailand and she wants to meet him in person "as a friend".

She told me about it and obviously I'm not thrilled she wants to meet with a strange man who clearly wants to get in her pants.

I explained to her that his intention is almost certainly to fuck her, and that all of the girls who had boyfriends whom I've met on the side were usually cheating on their boyfriends with me.

I asked her what the purpose of the meeting was, for attention / validation, or what?

She assures me that's it strictly platonic and she just wants to meet with a guy she's been able to talk to about "everything".

I find myself wanting to strangle this strange dude I've never met because he intends to meet my girlfriend and I know what he wants.

I'm curious what you guys would do in this situation.

And in a more general sense, do you think it's normal for a devoted girlfriend to have orbiters?

I feel like this guy is a vulture waiting for an opening or a break up.

Context: we live about an hour flight away from each other in Thailand.

Any advice appreciated.

[eradicator]

You live 400 miles from this girl and are having a long distance relationship with her of sorts.

My suggestion is that you start gaming other girls. You can still meet this girl and bang her but at least now you know she is meeting up with other men, and most likely banging some of them.

[Rhyme or Reason]

Next.

[Phoenix]

It's not really a 'devoted girlfriend' situation though is it? Living an hour flight away in the same tiny country? Perhaps she feels he's more devoted to her than you are. She may have already banged him before you met too. Perhaps she sees him as a better marriage chance.

I think you already know what's up, you've been on the other side yourself before. I'm guessing if you want to keep her you'll have to play it as an ultimatum+concession. I.e. you give her more commitment of some form, but demand (and independently acquire proof) that she cuts that guy off.

But no, it's not normal or acceptable for a bona fide girlfriend to be maintaining orbiters.

[Resolute]

thread-59451.html

This type of question seems to be a reoccurring pattern.

As others have suggested, The solution is simple: Raise your standards.

That is the only answer you need.

You've already done the most difficult part. You left America and moved to a place with better women. Now you have to stop putting up with Western behavior. Stop accepting this bullshit. Would Thai guys put up with this? Even if they would, do you really want to follow the example of effeminate Asian men? (No offense meant towards Asians).

You have nearly UNLIMITED options as a foreigner whom, I'm guessing, has been able to permanently re-locate halfway across the globe. As a decent looking white guy in Thailand (if the profile picture is you), you should be killing it over there. Why put up with ANY bullshit, much less this kind of crap?

I can relate to you, or at least, what I think you're going through. After years of putting up with shit like this from previous girlfriends in the West, you feel like you "deserve" this behavior, as if it's "wrong" to ask for or expect better treatment. It's not. Women are SUPPOSED to follow our lead as men. Likewise, it is up to US to LEAD them. Left to their own devices, what do women generally do? Gossip and destroy. They need MEN to GUIDE and LEAD them into productive relationships and behaviors. If you are unwilling to do that, watch as they destroy whatever is in front of them, including your relationship with her.

[Mufasa]

Jesus christ guys I almost spit up my drink when the first responses are to next her lol

IF he has 108 rep points lets assume he knows what he's doing.

Option 1) Say no, find a way to flip it on her so you're the emotional victim if she does meet him
Option 2) Assassination..
Option 3) Meet him WITH her. "Hey he's an important part of your life and I want to be apart of that. I would like to meet this nice fella. I already bought my ticket see you soon xoxo" Then show up and use kindness to make this as awkward as fuck

IMO this girl is getting bold. I know know how committed she is to you because you didn't put that info out. But she did just tell you she wants to meet a tinder beau...Maybe a Freudian slip to see if your manhood will check her getting out of pocket??

[VincentVinturi]

(02-01-2017 09:53 PM)eradicator Wrote:  

You live 400 miles from this girl and are having a long distance relationship with her of sorts.

My suggestion is that you start gaming other girls. You can still meet this girl and bang her but at least now you know she is meeting up with other men, and most likely banging some of them.

I do meet up with other chicks and she knows about it although I never rub it in her face or even bring it up, but women know.

I'm 99% sure she's been totally faithful to me.

I have a sixth sense about that stuff and I can suss out inconsistencies, lies, etc.

But you never really know with women do you.

(02-01-2017 10:07 PM)Phoenix Wrote:  

It's not really a 'devoted girlfriend' situation though is it? Living an hour flight away in the same tiny country? Perhaps she feels he's more devoted to her than you are. She may have already banged him before you met too. Perhaps she sees him as a better marriage chance.

I think you already know what's up, you've been on the other side yourself before. I'm guessing if you want to keep her you'll have to play it as an ultimatum+concession. I.e. you give her more commitment of some form, but demand (and independently acquire proof) that she cuts that guy off.

But no, it's not normal or acceptable for a bona fide girlfriend to be maintaining orbiters.

It is a devoted girlfriend situation.

We're as serious as I've ever been with a girl.

That's why this meeting with a strange dude thing has me fucked up.

Thanks on this advice, I didn't think it was normal for chicks to entertain male company while in a committed relationship.

(02-01-2017 10:08 PM)Resolute Wrote:  

thread-59451.html

This type of question seems to be a reoccurring pattern.

As others have suggested, The solution is simple: Raise your standards.

That is the only answer you need.

You've already done the most difficult part. You left America and moved to a place with better women. Now you have to stop putting up with Western behavior. Stop accepting this bullshit. Would Thai guys put up with this? Even if they would, do you really want to follow the example of effeminate Asian men? (No offense meant towards Asians).

You have nearly UNLIMITED options as a foreigner whom, I'm guessing, has been able to permanently re-locate halfway across the globe. As a decent looking white guy in Thailand (if the profile picture is you), you should be killing it over there. Why put up with ANY bullshit, much less this kind of crap?

I can relate to you, or at least, what I think you're going through. After years of putting up with shit like this from previous girlfriends in the West, you feel like you "deserve" this behavior, as if it's "wrong" to ask for or expect better treatment. It's not. Women are SUPPOSED to follow our lead as men. Likewise, it is up to US to LEAD them. Left to their own devices, what do women generally do? Gossip and destroy. They need MEN to GUIDE and LEAD them into productive relationships and behaviors. If you are unwilling to do that, watch as they destroy whatever is in front of them, including your relationship with her.

Good stuff man, especially that last line.

Thanks.

[Truth Tiger]

Long distance in my experience just never works. Have done it several times and drama got out of control.

My sense is she's feeling out who wants to make deeper commitment and knows this will bother you. She's shit testing you big time right now. Given she's already been in extensive contact with this guy about 'everything' she has at least emotionally stepped out on you. We all know that's the precursor to her sexually stepping out, especially since you have no idea how sexual their communication has already been. I don't see any reason to salvage the situation much as it might hurt. Maybe since you have strong feelings you ended up dropping frame a bit more than she could accept so shit testing like this commenced.

NEXT.

EDIT: Agree with Resolute. You are absolutely totally the commodity. Act like it.

[Resolute]

NP. Based on your tenure, I can safely assume my meager contribution pales in comparison to your years of posts here. I only hope my 2 cents gives a small token of insight.

That said, I do want to add that I didn't necessarily mean "next her". I only intended to say that having standards not only isn't WRONG, it's REQUIRED if you want to have a good woman and a long-lasting relationship.

Can we assume the girl in this thread and the one I posted above are one and the same? If so, I'd like to say I agree with the sentiments written in your previous thread by others. If not, then maybe this girl is different from the last. Need more details to be sure.

[CleanSlate]

You have a small crack in the windshield right now. Leave it unattended, the crack is only going to grow longer and longer... and new cracks will branch out from the original one.

Soon you'll have a spiderman signature on your structurally-compromised windshield.

This is exactly how my first marriage ended.

Nip this in the bud, and if she won't honor your wishes, next.

[AneroidOcean]

(02-01-2017 09:50 PM)VincentVinturi Wrote:  

Any advice appreciated.

Have a girlfriend by all means, but:

1. Don't have a girlfriend who is a plane flight away.
2. Don't have a girlfriend if she talks all the time to a guy she hasn't met who she started contact with through a dating app (she's obviously attracted to him and he is attracted to her).
3. Don't have a girlfriend who is planning to meet this guy.

[Jason55]

Say what a coincidence I know four girls that are just friends too, while you are doing that, I can meet them too. Now I know its okay and you are so understanding.

[GlobalMan]

Even if she truly believes that it's all just friendly, she would certainly know how you would perceive it- any girl would, and wouldn't pursue this meeting - or even continue the communication - if she was as serious with you as you say you are.

That she doesn't seem to see this, or perhaps just doesn't care, should tell you something.

[LeoneVolpe]

(02-01-2017 09:50 PM)VincentVinturi Wrote:  

I've got a girlfriend who met a guy on Tinder about a year (before we were together) and she's talked with him "as a friend" ever since.

He "understands" her and she can talk freely with him about all sorts of shit including me.

He's coming to Thailand and she wants to meet him in person "as a friend".

She told me about it and obviously I'm not thrilled she wants to meet with a strange man who clearly wants to get in her pants.

I explained to her that his intention is almost certainly to fuck her, and that all of the girls who had boyfriends whom I've met on the side were usually cheating on their boyfriends with me.

I asked her what the purpose of the meeting was, for attention / validation, or what?

She assures me that's it strictly platonic and she just wants to meet with a guy she's been able to talk to about "everything".

I find myself wanting to strangle this strange dude I've never met because he intends to meet my girlfriend and I know what he wants.

I'm curious what you guys would do in this situation.

And in a more general sense, do you think it's normal for a devoted girlfriend to have orbiters?

I feel like this guy is a vulture waiting for an opening or a break up.

Context: we live about an hour flight away from each other in Thailand.

Any advice appreciated.

The easy answer is to next her, but if for whatever reason you're not quite ready to throw in the towel just yet...Remember: The best defense is a good offense. Flip the script. There's no better way to derail a girl from her own plans than to make her worry about yours.

Step 1. Start casually mentioning another girl's name in conversations with your current girl. This girl could be real or fabricated, but even better if she's real. You can call her a co-worker, mutual friend, or whatever. Doesn't matter.

Step 2. As the date your girl's supposed to meet this guy draws nearer, keep bringing this girl up with more frequency and with little relevance to whatever else is being discussed at the time. If your girl has any brains, she'll wonder why you're mentioning this other chick so much.

Step 3. Come up with some story about how (for whatever reason) you and this girl have to hang out together (conveniently) around the same time your current girl's supposed to meet up with this other guy.

If your girl isn't jealous, there's something up with that. Girls (especially ones in relationships they're serious about) can become very territorial when faced with the possibility of other girls moving in on their man. If she is jealous, it's quite possible she'll postpone or outright cancel her plans to meet with this other guy, which if she does your BS story is easy enough to wiggle out of. Just tell her something came up and plans changed. If, on the other hand, she doesn't cancel, you should have no problem nexting her at that point.

[Mentavious]

I wonder how she would feel if the shoe were on the other foot.

I mean, seems like she has to talk to another guy about shit that she can't tell you?

[Off The Reservation]

Move on from this one.

She is checking her options and by meeting this guy isn't loyal to you, even without fucking.

She is thinking he will give her something you aren't.

[John Michael Kane]

Unacceptable behavior. Would she be fine with you meeting random women "just as friends"? It flies in the face of reason. She is insulting you and testing the waters for other options. Profoundly disturbing behavior and a very good chance of her displaying possible future disloyalty. Next her right now man. This red flag is waving in your face.

[Fortis]

Vincent, I think you know what you should do. Next.

[Sombro]

Why is a member with veteran rep asking newbie questions?
April Fool's is still two months away.

[churros]

Girls often use orbiters as emotional tampons. A possibility?

I used to have a smoking Polish girlfriend. She'd often meet her "best friend" for coffee, who she strung along for many years.

When she got home from these dates, I would bang her out.

To be fair, the little rat finally did prize her away – but to another guy, and not himself!

Remember, she talks to her girlfriends about "everything".

[deekrivers]

I'd next her in an instant. She clearly wants to test the waters. You claim that she's your girlfriend but she can talk to this guy about everything. Sounds like you're not doing your job.

Best thing for you is to find another girl or two.

[Dream Medicine]

VincentVinturi, this reply has two parts -- the first is based on the OP (points 1 to 3 below), the second based on your subsequent comment (point 4**).

I think the most important matter here is your mental-emotional health. Most hot girls have orbitors but your girlfriend's behaviour is clear disrespect and causing you stress. That said, I think you could benefit from reconsidering your own approach.**

A few suggestions follow:

(1) Consider your level of attachment

Be honest with yourself about how emotionally attached you are. There is little context about the relationship here, so it's difficult to offer nuanced advice, however it appears that you are really into her. This should guide your decision-making below.

(2) Options to take: downgrading, seeking compliance, or nexting

a. Immediate downgrade, mentally and energetically. I mean to detach yourself from any future with her in your head, and start spending less time contacting her and doing things for her. I suggest meditating on detachment (example reference: https://buddhaimonia.com/blog/let-go-find-peace ).

Further, work on developing greater abundance, both mentally (i.e, the feeling of having options and being non-needy) and functionally (actually having other girls to meet).

b. Describe this situation to her in reverse, and ask her how she would feel if a "female friend from Tinder" was flying out to meet you and share deep conversations. This visualised role-reversal is one example of proactive mate-guarding that I have found to be more powerful than a straight ultimatum. As an aside, playing the jealousy game is a passive move and has potential for causing the opposite of your intended effect, namely making her seek others in spite of you. But by all means keep up your game.

If she suddenly comes to her senses and apologizes profusely, which could justify your ongoing involvement, then I would be sure to maintain a set frame for the future. As the man, you must ensure she knows what behaviours you expect from her - you must guide her constantly, but in a calm, detached, non-needy manner. Don't let this disrespect slide - it will only get worse if you don't address it now.

c. That said, this behaviour may continue no matter what you do because of her personality or simply because she doesn't live close to you. I predict that no matter your negotiation, this issue won't be resolved (see point #3). So, I would think about cutting her off completely if you are too emotionally involved to handle such doubt.

(3) Revise your concept of long-distance relationships

I would reconsider having serious long-distance relationships at all. These problems are very likely to come up again if you're not physically close enough to meet each other regularly.

(4) Consider revising your relationship strategy**

This chick is not your "girlfriend" and possibly never was. You wrote:

(02-01-2017 10:30 PM)VincentVinturi Wrote:  

I do meet up with other chicks and she knows about it although I never rub it in her face or even bring it up, but women know.

And then:

(02-01-2017 10:30 PM)VincentVinturi Wrote:  

It is a devoted girlfriend situation. We're as serious as I've ever been with a girl.

There is a minority of women who are ok with their boyfriends/husbands sleeping around as long as they don't have it rubbed in their face. However, even if it were true in this case, she is violating the main principle of the 'don't ask don't tell' policy - namely, she is telling you all about this other guy. And she knows this is causing you anguish. In case you wanna keep this MLTR (multiple long-term relationship) going you may want to re-frame the expectations, e.g., by telling her to shut up about other dudes.

What's more, you seem to be under the impression that this relationship is "devoted" even though you are sleeping around. Considering that she knows you're unfaithful, I think it's a bit rich to expect her to not follow suit. In an ideal world many guys would have one main chick and then sleep around on the side, while the main chick doesn't probe at all (e.g., by asking "where were you today grrrr?!") and remains 100% monogamous. However in most cases, including this one, it's still a pipe dream.

So, think about acting with more congruence, be disciplined with your relationship management, and work on your own emotional regulation:

a. Manage her expectations right from the beginning of the relationship.

If you want a serious relationship, then give it 100% once you've screened properly, gotten investment from her, etc (it's a must to develop intuition and skill in reading women, to work out where each woman can fit into your life).

Conversely, after screening, if you want a MLTR then act congruently. Don't lie and mislead them. There are enough jaded, non-trusting women in this world - no need to create any more by promising more than you can deliver. Some MLTR tips:

- Set relationship levels that are viable for the future -- limit how often you contact her, how often you meet, when you meet, what activities you share, people you introduce her to, money spent, and compliments given.
- Demonstrate through action and indirect dialogue (i.e., implicit sub-communication) what her expected role is rather than verbose discussions.
- Don't be careless. Never talk about other girls overtly, clean your place well before any new girl comes over, don't message or call other girls in their presence.
- Be consistent and congruent with your frames and decisions.

b. Manage your own expectations; don't get attached in a non-committed relationship, ever.

Don't mistake an open relationship for a devoted one. There is only 'today' with these women, the future doesn't exist. Drama is inevitable in MLTRs, therefore you must be willing to lose them or to walk away if the match isn't right. Again developing a mindset of abundance will help you here.

[General Stalin]

She knows you're fucking other girls?

C'mon man you can't expect this girl to be that naive. I don't know the naunces of your relationship but if you really want to keep her around in the long run then tell her "no"

If she does it anyway (which she might since you really have no way of know if she actually lives hundreds of.miles from you...) then drop her.

[Captain Gh]

Tl;dr: Nexting her would just be a way for his ego to not get bruised. A vet like him feeling like this, means that she’s good quality. For some reasons, she decided unconsciously to test the market, and it’s her right. Got to prepare his pimp game on in case she decides to go with dude.

As a vet from this forum... I definitely know that you have what it takes to manage this sticky situation. Unlike some who responded to your OP... I definitely don't think you should Next her. Way too harsh since in her feminine mind... she truly believes that they are great friends. Don't forget that women have an external world view... meaning she sees the world as her oyster literally, whereas men we see the world as it is from the input we receive. Women are straight output


In my opinion, you should act as if her meeting dude is not bothering you at all. Yeah I know easier said than done... but that's how I think you should handle it. You already had a convo with her about it, but from now on, backoff from any mention of that dude. In the meantime... you have to switch up your routine while making yourself more attractive. This could be picking up a sport, starting to jog... buying a lot of nice clothes in a short stint... any activity that instantly make you more attractive to other women, and don’t brag about it.


Women establish trust by relying on the routine of their man. By disrupting that routine, and acting aloof, distant but humbly towards her, she'll know she fucked up since you’re playing the women game aka being passive aggressive. By increasing your value, she'll realize that you could go ahead and love another woman if you want to. Women want to be loved... but that love she wants from men with game like you always starts with her giving up the pussy before men actually love her. She has to get dick before getting to the love part. Threatening passively through your actions only is the best way you'll be able to keep her. She has to value your love so much that she tells herself that this dick waiting for her is not worth risking losing this love… since she’s not assured this man will love her like you do


In the meantime... don`t necessarily cheat on her, but prepare yourself mentally since you might be back on the scene in a little while. It's hard to hear... but at this point you don't control the fact whether she'll stay with you or not. Nexting her right now would just be a way to not bruise your Ego... and protecting your ego is a lost occasion in knowing how you handle difficult situation like this. For whatever reason, she was not feeling fully satisfied... and she's testing the market right now. She's like a Lebron James set to hit free agency... and she'll leave if she wants to. You wouldn't want to fire Lebron just because there's a chance he could leave after putting in some amazing work. You put your best foot forward to convince him to stay... but you get ready in case he decides to bounce. Well your girl is currently in the same situation. For a vet like you to be feeling like this… she’s obviously been a good girl to you! Now it's her big decision... and you have no control over it. It is what it is!

[Captain Gh]

I truly understand the reason why a lot of you are saying that he should next her on the spot. But this is a women that let's him get some side pussy on the side we're talking about here! And this question ain't coming from a Beta chump... it's coming from a vet with +100 Rep points!

For him to be feeling like this... she must be a Goddamn good chick! For whatever reason unconsciously, she's having doubt he's the man for her... and she's testing the market... and was honest with him about it. Wouldn't next right away since she's been a good soldier. Would wait for her to try and come back around.