Read this article by Sheikh Noah Keller, a sufi-muslim teacher on the requirements for a sound marriage. Been lurking for a while, nice to finally contribute something.
http://untotheone.com/articles/articles-...ge-advice/
Interestingly he also wrote a letter to the Christians of Ukraine, a country commonly mentioned on these forums for its more positive culture.
http://untotheone.com/articles/letters/c...he-ukrain/
4. That the husband be the man of the family. The way of the prophets, the Sufi sheikhs, and of Islam, is that the man leads, supports, guides, and takes care of his wife and family. Allah says, “Men are keepers over women, because Allah has favored the one above the other, and because they expend of their wealth: So righteous women are worshipful, faithfully guarding their honor when their husbands are gone, as Allah has guarded them” (Qur’an 4:34). A man does not throw his weight around with meaningless orders, but is not the obsequious follower of the woman Allah has made him keeper of. He rather asks Allah to guide him in his decisions, listens to what wisdom his wife may offer, and then follows his best judgement, returning especially in the big decisions to his own istikhara.
5. That the wife be the woman of the family. There is a lot of bad advice around today about marriage that is far from any meaningful appreciation of men’s and women’s different natures. In previous ages of Islamic history, there was no need to advise anyone about the roles of men and women. But in our times, current cultural norms consider men and women interchangeable, forbid men to be men, and few wives can look up to the sapless males the theories have created. The present rules of behavior between men and women are merely adequate for how long most marriages today last.
We advise ladies in the tariqa to read and apply Fascinating Womanhood, which contains the best description of the akhlaq or proper way of handling oneself necessary for any woman who wants her marriage to succeed. Some of its remarks about the bedroom and women’s education are inapplicable to an Islamic context, but these are easily distinguished from the rest, and everyone who has followed the book has found that it works. Ladies find that once they start acting femininely, their men are able to respond with a manly sense of loving and protecting a woman. Women in the tariqa have also found a lot of benefit from The Surrendered Wife. A third work is Happy Housewives, especially useful for women affected by modern corporate values, though the author’s diction is occasionally indelicate.
The Man Seeking a Wife
The qualities praised by the sunna in a prospective wife are that she be religious, intelligent, amiable and well-mannered, fertile (as inferable from her mother or female relatives), from a good family, a virgin, pleasing in appearance, undesirous of an exorbitant marriage payment, and not a close family relative.
When seeking to marry a woman, the prospective suitor should make his intention for Allah, then send someone, preferably a family member, to her family to ask for a chaperoned meeting with her. The messenger should be someone who will honestly tell them how he is. He should inquire about the prospective bride from a religious and reliable informant, and not
for example someone who bears malicious tales (namima) between people. Women are better to send, as they normally notice details more closely than men, and can meet with her and her female family members. He should ask about her religiousness; her diligence in prayer and fasting; her shyness, reserve, and modesty; her personal cleanliness; her chasteness of speech; whether she stays at home; and how well she respects her parents. He should ask about the character of her father, and about her mother’s behavior, religion, and works.
It is a key sunna to then personally meet with the woman, to sit and talk with her as many times as it takes to make up his mind about marriage. The man and woman should make sure they communicate well, are comfortable with and like each other, and are on the same page in their religion. The man should not admire in the woman qualities admirable only in a man. It is better to avoid the “student type” whose mother has served her all her life with every conceivable labor at home to free her to study, hence never learned common sense, how to work, cook, clean, run a house, take care of children, or make a home comfortable. Nor should a prospective spouse come from a dysfunctional family, broken home, or household dominated by an aggressive mother. If a family seems a bit off, it usually is. If the prospective bride has debts, he must think of how they will be paid off. He should pray istikhara a few times after learning what he can about her.
The Woman Receiving a Marriage Proposal
Much of the preceding advice may be equally given to the woman whose hand is sought in marriage. She should send a reliable informant to ask about the man’s madhhab, his religiousness, his taqwa, tenets of faith, personal manliness and respectability, and whether he is true to his word. She should ask about his family and relatives, his group affiliations, who visits him, how diligently he keeps the prayer, and his uprightness and goodness at work.
The man should be financially responsible and have successfully held down a job for some time working, preferably for someone besides his father. A husband has to know how to work. The man should be religious, not high-handed, arrogant, sinful, or have heretical views. He should not be spoiled, meaning self-centered, quick to anger, and in need of instant gratification of his whims. A mama’s boy should be shunned. In our times, he should be free of addictions, meaning not only to illicit substances, but to pornography, gaming, blogging, endless surfing online, restauranting, the entertainment industry, adrenaline, and to the host of vices purveyed by the Internet to the profit of a few and ruin of many. Addictions destroy marriages. She should not hope to rehabilitate the man, but realize that “what you see is what you get.”
She should want him for his religion rather than his wealth, and the way he conducts his life rather than his fame. She should resolve to live with him in contentment with their means and to obey his commands, for that ensures affection and love.
One sin that often brings unlooked-for misfortune in marriage is revealing sins to another. In Islam to mention past sins is itself a sin. Allah has commanded us to hide all acts of disobedience, except when it would lead to actual harm to another. The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) has said, “Whoever conceals the faults of a Muslim, Allah will conceal his faults in this world and the next” (Muslim [00], 4.2074: 2699. S). This includes one’s own sins; and whether from one’s spouse, prospective spouse, or anyone else. It includes previous illicit sex, which is haram to mention and obligatory to conceal, even by deception if necessary. The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said:
All of my Umma shall be forgiven, except those who commit iniquities openly. Verily, open indecency includes a man committing an act by night, and then in the morning when Allah has concealed what he did, saying, “O So-and-so, last night I did such and such.” He spent the night with his Lord having concealed what he did; and when morning came, he pulled aside the veil of Allah (Bukhari [00], 8.24: 6069. S).
Imam Nawawi mentions this hadith under the rubric of “the prohibition of pulling aside the cover from one’s sins” (Sharh Muslim [00], 18.119). How many a person was unable to resist telling a friend or a spouse of the wickedness they did in their former life, and Allah requited them with contempt in the other’s heart that could never be erased, because there is no baraka in the haram. All of which refers to sins now finished, as opposed to ongoing habitual problems such as addictions, which the person asked about must truthfully disclose to a prospective marriage partner, since, like defects in a spouse that permit annulment of marriage, addictions ruin marriages, and the partner must know about them in advance to reach an informed decision.
The Husband
A man should be his wife’s friend, pleasant and courteous in speech, show her love and affection, and be relaxed and informal when they are alone. He should overlook occasional missteps, forgive mistakes, defend her honor, seldom argue with her, honor her family, continually promise her the best, and have the manly jealousy to keep matters between her and other men from exceeding permissible limits.
He should be calm and chivalrous with his wife, well-mannered, patient, and tender, and know how to dispel tensions and arguments with jokes, ridiculous asides, and amorous liberties. He doesn’t have to prove he is tough, but should always mean what he says. and not humor his wife’s whims or be so soft-hearted or indulgent that he worsens her character and turns her a domineering tyrant. If she has no adab or respect for him, he should send her back to her family
until she wants to be a wife. Whenever he sees something ethically wrong, he should be grave and critical. He should be moderate and fair, buying her gifts and flowers, paying admiring compliments, and spending ungrudgingly on her necessities. He is neither stingy, nor wastefully lavish in buying things of little enjoyment or benefit. He should leave the house to work during the day, even if wealthy, because it is difficult for a wife to respect a husband who hangs around the house.
If a man has two wives, he should be strictly equitable in time, attention, and advantages to both, and not let one bully or enamor him into being unfair to the other. With Imam Shafi‘i and all of our sheikhs I regard such equity as so difficult for most people to manage that marriage to more than one wife is religiously “superior not to do” (khilaf al-awla) under ordinary circumstances. Shafi‘i’s position is borne out by the word of Allah “You shall never be able to be completely fair between wives, however much you want to; So do not incline so wholly towards one that you leave the other one hanging; And if you set matters right, and prevent unfairness, verily Allah is oft-forgiving, all-compassionate” (Qur’an 4:129).
As a Muslim man, a husband should be clean in dress, make frequent use of the breath-freshening tooth-stick (siwak), and wear clothes neither intended to draw attention nor yet mean and sordid. He does not keep his hem low out of pride or high to appear ascetic. He attends the Friday prayer, always prays in a group, and does much dhikr and worship. He does not gawk around him while walking, look at other women than his wife, sit on the doorstep of his house with neighbors, or talk much with his friends about his wife and what takes place in his home.
The Wife
A woman should be her husband’s friend, while keeping a respectful shyness towards him, avoiding arguing with him, obeying his word in everything lawful. She should hold her peace when he speaks, keep his honor when he is away, and not treacherously take his property. She should smell pleasant, care well for her teeth and clothes, be content with her standard of living, be tender and loving, and keep up her appearance. She should honor his family and relatives, be appreciative for him, accept his deeds with gratitude, and show him her happiness when she sees him. She should give her husband first priority and attention rather than her children.
Otherwise, husbands eventually get tired of being ignored, spend increasingly long hours away from home, and begin talking about divorce or getting a second wife.
As a Muslim woman, she should prefer to be in her own home, taking care of her house and children, making sure that both are clean and orderly. She should learn her religion to properly practice it and raise her children Islamically. Her ambition should lie in perfecting herself. She should faithfully perform her prayer and fasting, study her own faults, and think of her religion. She should speak little, not waste time on pointless conversations, and lower her gaze. She should be vigilant of her Lord, make much dhikr, encourage her husband to seek and earn the halal, and not ask for many gifts from him. She should be shy and modest, neither harsh or coarse in word, have fortitude, be thankful, prefer others to herself, and be generous with herself and her effort. If a friend of her husband calls when he is not at home, she does not admit him, seek to understand his purpose, or speak with him at length—out of jealousy for her honor and that of her husband.
http://untotheone.com/articles/articles-...ge-advice/
Interestingly he also wrote a letter to the Christians of Ukraine, a country commonly mentioned on these forums for its more positive culture.
http://untotheone.com/articles/letters/c...he-ukrain/
4. That the husband be the man of the family. The way of the prophets, the Sufi sheikhs, and of Islam, is that the man leads, supports, guides, and takes care of his wife and family. Allah says, “Men are keepers over women, because Allah has favored the one above the other, and because they expend of their wealth: So righteous women are worshipful, faithfully guarding their honor when their husbands are gone, as Allah has guarded them” (Qur’an 4:34). A man does not throw his weight around with meaningless orders, but is not the obsequious follower of the woman Allah has made him keeper of. He rather asks Allah to guide him in his decisions, listens to what wisdom his wife may offer, and then follows his best judgement, returning especially in the big decisions to his own istikhara.
5. That the wife be the woman of the family. There is a lot of bad advice around today about marriage that is far from any meaningful appreciation of men’s and women’s different natures. In previous ages of Islamic history, there was no need to advise anyone about the roles of men and women. But in our times, current cultural norms consider men and women interchangeable, forbid men to be men, and few wives can look up to the sapless males the theories have created. The present rules of behavior between men and women are merely adequate for how long most marriages today last.
We advise ladies in the tariqa to read and apply Fascinating Womanhood, which contains the best description of the akhlaq or proper way of handling oneself necessary for any woman who wants her marriage to succeed. Some of its remarks about the bedroom and women’s education are inapplicable to an Islamic context, but these are easily distinguished from the rest, and everyone who has followed the book has found that it works. Ladies find that once they start acting femininely, their men are able to respond with a manly sense of loving and protecting a woman. Women in the tariqa have also found a lot of benefit from The Surrendered Wife. A third work is Happy Housewives, especially useful for women affected by modern corporate values, though the author’s diction is occasionally indelicate.
The Man Seeking a Wife
The qualities praised by the sunna in a prospective wife are that she be religious, intelligent, amiable and well-mannered, fertile (as inferable from her mother or female relatives), from a good family, a virgin, pleasing in appearance, undesirous of an exorbitant marriage payment, and not a close family relative.
When seeking to marry a woman, the prospective suitor should make his intention for Allah, then send someone, preferably a family member, to her family to ask for a chaperoned meeting with her. The messenger should be someone who will honestly tell them how he is. He should inquire about the prospective bride from a religious and reliable informant, and not
for example someone who bears malicious tales (namima) between people. Women are better to send, as they normally notice details more closely than men, and can meet with her and her female family members. He should ask about her religiousness; her diligence in prayer and fasting; her shyness, reserve, and modesty; her personal cleanliness; her chasteness of speech; whether she stays at home; and how well she respects her parents. He should ask about the character of her father, and about her mother’s behavior, religion, and works.
It is a key sunna to then personally meet with the woman, to sit and talk with her as many times as it takes to make up his mind about marriage. The man and woman should make sure they communicate well, are comfortable with and like each other, and are on the same page in their religion. The man should not admire in the woman qualities admirable only in a man. It is better to avoid the “student type” whose mother has served her all her life with every conceivable labor at home to free her to study, hence never learned common sense, how to work, cook, clean, run a house, take care of children, or make a home comfortable. Nor should a prospective spouse come from a dysfunctional family, broken home, or household dominated by an aggressive mother. If a family seems a bit off, it usually is. If the prospective bride has debts, he must think of how they will be paid off. He should pray istikhara a few times after learning what he can about her.
The Woman Receiving a Marriage Proposal
Much of the preceding advice may be equally given to the woman whose hand is sought in marriage. She should send a reliable informant to ask about the man’s madhhab, his religiousness, his taqwa, tenets of faith, personal manliness and respectability, and whether he is true to his word. She should ask about his family and relatives, his group affiliations, who visits him, how diligently he keeps the prayer, and his uprightness and goodness at work.
The man should be financially responsible and have successfully held down a job for some time working, preferably for someone besides his father. A husband has to know how to work. The man should be religious, not high-handed, arrogant, sinful, or have heretical views. He should not be spoiled, meaning self-centered, quick to anger, and in need of instant gratification of his whims. A mama’s boy should be shunned. In our times, he should be free of addictions, meaning not only to illicit substances, but to pornography, gaming, blogging, endless surfing online, restauranting, the entertainment industry, adrenaline, and to the host of vices purveyed by the Internet to the profit of a few and ruin of many. Addictions destroy marriages. She should not hope to rehabilitate the man, but realize that “what you see is what you get.”
She should want him for his religion rather than his wealth, and the way he conducts his life rather than his fame. She should resolve to live with him in contentment with their means and to obey his commands, for that ensures affection and love.
One sin that often brings unlooked-for misfortune in marriage is revealing sins to another. In Islam to mention past sins is itself a sin. Allah has commanded us to hide all acts of disobedience, except when it would lead to actual harm to another. The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) has said, “Whoever conceals the faults of a Muslim, Allah will conceal his faults in this world and the next” (Muslim [00], 4.2074: 2699. S). This includes one’s own sins; and whether from one’s spouse, prospective spouse, or anyone else. It includes previous illicit sex, which is haram to mention and obligatory to conceal, even by deception if necessary. The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said:
All of my Umma shall be forgiven, except those who commit iniquities openly. Verily, open indecency includes a man committing an act by night, and then in the morning when Allah has concealed what he did, saying, “O So-and-so, last night I did such and such.” He spent the night with his Lord having concealed what he did; and when morning came, he pulled aside the veil of Allah (Bukhari [00], 8.24: 6069. S).
Imam Nawawi mentions this hadith under the rubric of “the prohibition of pulling aside the cover from one’s sins” (Sharh Muslim [00], 18.119). How many a person was unable to resist telling a friend or a spouse of the wickedness they did in their former life, and Allah requited them with contempt in the other’s heart that could never be erased, because there is no baraka in the haram. All of which refers to sins now finished, as opposed to ongoing habitual problems such as addictions, which the person asked about must truthfully disclose to a prospective marriage partner, since, like defects in a spouse that permit annulment of marriage, addictions ruin marriages, and the partner must know about them in advance to reach an informed decision.
The Husband
A man should be his wife’s friend, pleasant and courteous in speech, show her love and affection, and be relaxed and informal when they are alone. He should overlook occasional missteps, forgive mistakes, defend her honor, seldom argue with her, honor her family, continually promise her the best, and have the manly jealousy to keep matters between her and other men from exceeding permissible limits.
He should be calm and chivalrous with his wife, well-mannered, patient, and tender, and know how to dispel tensions and arguments with jokes, ridiculous asides, and amorous liberties. He doesn’t have to prove he is tough, but should always mean what he says. and not humor his wife’s whims or be so soft-hearted or indulgent that he worsens her character and turns her a domineering tyrant. If she has no adab or respect for him, he should send her back to her family
until she wants to be a wife. Whenever he sees something ethically wrong, he should be grave and critical. He should be moderate and fair, buying her gifts and flowers, paying admiring compliments, and spending ungrudgingly on her necessities. He is neither stingy, nor wastefully lavish in buying things of little enjoyment or benefit. He should leave the house to work during the day, even if wealthy, because it is difficult for a wife to respect a husband who hangs around the house.
If a man has two wives, he should be strictly equitable in time, attention, and advantages to both, and not let one bully or enamor him into being unfair to the other. With Imam Shafi‘i and all of our sheikhs I regard such equity as so difficult for most people to manage that marriage to more than one wife is religiously “superior not to do” (khilaf al-awla) under ordinary circumstances. Shafi‘i’s position is borne out by the word of Allah “You shall never be able to be completely fair between wives, however much you want to; So do not incline so wholly towards one that you leave the other one hanging; And if you set matters right, and prevent unfairness, verily Allah is oft-forgiving, all-compassionate” (Qur’an 4:129).
As a Muslim man, a husband should be clean in dress, make frequent use of the breath-freshening tooth-stick (siwak), and wear clothes neither intended to draw attention nor yet mean and sordid. He does not keep his hem low out of pride or high to appear ascetic. He attends the Friday prayer, always prays in a group, and does much dhikr and worship. He does not gawk around him while walking, look at other women than his wife, sit on the doorstep of his house with neighbors, or talk much with his friends about his wife and what takes place in his home.
The Wife
A woman should be her husband’s friend, while keeping a respectful shyness towards him, avoiding arguing with him, obeying his word in everything lawful. She should hold her peace when he speaks, keep his honor when he is away, and not treacherously take his property. She should smell pleasant, care well for her teeth and clothes, be content with her standard of living, be tender and loving, and keep up her appearance. She should honor his family and relatives, be appreciative for him, accept his deeds with gratitude, and show him her happiness when she sees him. She should give her husband first priority and attention rather than her children.
Otherwise, husbands eventually get tired of being ignored, spend increasingly long hours away from home, and begin talking about divorce or getting a second wife.
As a Muslim woman, she should prefer to be in her own home, taking care of her house and children, making sure that both are clean and orderly. She should learn her religion to properly practice it and raise her children Islamically. Her ambition should lie in perfecting herself. She should faithfully perform her prayer and fasting, study her own faults, and think of her religion. She should speak little, not waste time on pointless conversations, and lower her gaze. She should be vigilant of her Lord, make much dhikr, encourage her husband to seek and earn the halal, and not ask for many gifts from him. She should be shy and modest, neither harsh or coarse in word, have fortitude, be thankful, prefer others to herself, and be generous with herself and her effort. If a friend of her husband calls when he is not at home, she does not admit him, seek to understand his purpose, or speak with him at length—out of jealousy for her honor and that of her husband.
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